


Aftermath

by Justkillingtimewhileiwait



Category: Chicago PD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-16 10:22:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 98
Words: 224,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5824864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justkillingtimewhileiwait/pseuds/Justkillingtimewhileiwait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story pics up after 301 and explored Erin's struggle to cope with the events of the last few months.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a sequel to this story that dives more deeply into the Halstead family.

Aftermath Chapter One

24hours. It had been 24 hours since she stood in Hank's office and suggested maybe she'd like to come back. She was surprised he'd agreed. Thought he'd finally had enough of her crap and would toss her out for good. But he didn't and for the second time in 15 years she sat on the edge of the single bed in Hank's spare room, her room, hands shaking in her lap. Trying to get a grip. This was the worse part. Once the alcohol and pills stopped numbing the pain, erasing the memories, the flood came. She had to hold it at bay. She couldn't let it overtake her. She'd never survive 30 years of nightmares consuming her all at once. Nadia's murder, oh god don't say her name, you'll only think of what you let happen to her. What happened16 years ago. Her murder had blown the lid off the box and there was no way to stuff it all back in. Jay was right she had to face it. But how ? It was bigger than anything she's ever seen. What had the damn doctor Hank made her see this morning call it? An elephant? More like the biggest fucking dinosaur that ever walked the earth.

Ok. 

Just breathe. 

And for god sakes don't cry!

How had she survived this part before? The answer brought another wave of pain. Camille. What she would give for 10 minutes with that woman right now. But it wasn't happening and dwelling on that would only sink her back in the hole she was desperately trying to climb out of.

Just breathe. 

In. 

Out. 

It's simple. 

You can do that. 

She caught her reflection in the glass and laughed a bitter sarcastic laugh. God she was a mess. Hadn't eaten or slept properly in weeks. It was a fucking miracle she was able to fight that bastards off who tried to kill her and Jay. 

Jay. 

Another wave of pain. This one laced with so much guilt. Thank god he was alive. She knew without a doubt that there was no drug, no amount of alcohol that would numb the kind of pain that loosing Jay would bring. She wanted to see him. Wanted to know he was ok. It couldn't have been easy. She's seen the video. Ranger or not there's no way he wasn't suffering. She'd called the emergency room desk to check in on him. Maggie said he was resting comfortably and would likely go home tomorrow. She offered to patch her thru to Jay's room. 

But she couldn't. 

She just couldn't bare to hear his voice. Not after what she'd said to him. Not after what she'd done. She didn't know what Monday was going to be like. Hank had given her the rest of the week to get her shit together and then she'd have to face him. Face Jay. She let out a long sigh. Would he brush her off? Would he refuse to work with her?

She deserved that. 

And more. 

She tried to comfort herself with the thought that at least he was alive. She'd seen the look in his eyes in the back of the ambulance. The question. The hurt. But she couldn't give him what he wanted. How could she after the mess she'd made? 

Fuck this!!! She jumped off the bed and started pacing the room. Fuck this!! Fuck all this!! The rage was blinding red. Her skin crawling, hands shaking, a cold sweat forming. She wanted to scream at herself to shut it the fuck off. A single tear slid hot and defiant down her cheek. NO! You will NOT cry. "Crying is for skankass whores like your mother" she heard her fathers voice boom in her head. She angerly swiped the tear away and took yet another deep breath. 

24 hours. 

She's made it 24 hours. She could do this. 

Couldn't she? 

A knock on the bedroom door startled her out of her self doubt. Probably Hank checking up on her again. She glanced at her reflection again. Suck it up buttercup or Hank's gonna see right through you and go back on his agreement, She said bitterly to herself. 

She took a deep breath and opened the door. 

"Hey, what's u…" Erin stopped, mouth hung open mid sentence. She blinked. Hard. Again. Yup, it was really him. She scanned his face, angry bruises and lacerations marked his beautiful features. Scanned his body, but his blue t-shirt and track pants covered any evidence that he's spent days being beaten and tortured.

"Hey" he said. 

"Jay! I… I… Whaa. ..wha" Erin stammered, unable to form words. 

He raised an eyebrow at her. Gave a half smile. "Thought I'd come see how you were doing" he shrugged. 

"Me? How I'm doing? But… But you're supposed to be resting. You're the one who… Who…" She couldn't finish. 

"I'm fine" he said strolling into her room and awkwardly bending to sit on the edge of her bed. He hid his pain well. But she knew him better. Two year they'd spent every day learning to read each other. Keep each other safe. 

The room felt tiny with him in it. Claustrophobic even. She hadn't been expecting this. Thought she had more time before she had to face him. 

Anger engulfed her again. "How can you be fine?" She demanded angrily. He just stared at her no emotion on his face. "Don't do that". She barked. 

"Do what?" He asked flatly.

"Pretend that nothing happened. Act like your some kind of machine that everything just rolls off. I saw what they did, I saw you. Got your ass out of there remember?" 

"Yeah, I remember. Then you ran. Been doing a lot of that lately actually. But I heard that maybe you were ready to stop running. Thought I'd come see for myself if it was true." She could see the hurt, anger even, in his eyes but his voice was steady. Withdrawn. She's done that. She'd pushed him away so hard he had closed himself off to her. Another wave of pain hit. How was she going to do this? 

She dropped her head. Stared at the floor. 

Jay gave a defeated sigh. "Erin" he practically whispered. She couldn't look up. Couldn't let him see. "I didn't come here to argue with you. I… I just needed to see you. Just needed to see for myself that it was true. That you're back. That my partners back" he said quietly. 

She shook her head, still examining the floor. "You deserve better that this. Than me." She whispered. 

"Erin." 

She couldn't look at him. Her feelings started to overwhelm her and she couldn't let him see. She needed more time before she could face him. He wasn't supposed to be here. 

"Erin. Look at me" he asked quietly. He got up, gingerly. Walked over to where she was leaning on the dresser. Slid a finger under her chin and gently raised her head until she was looking up into his eyes. 

"Don't you think you've done enough pushing away? Don't you think maybe it's time you started letting people, letting your family, help you?" He asked gently. 

"I'm trying" she said, trying not to let her voice show just how much she was struggling. 

He studied her face for a few minutes. Damn him for being able to read her so well. He nodded. "That's enough for me." His pocket started vibrating. He dropped his hand and gave a sheepish smile. "That must be Will. He insisted on driving me home from the hospital if I was gonna check out early. He's outside-"

"You checked yourself out early!" Erin saw red again. "Are you stupid?" 

Jay lifted his eyebrow at her. As if to ask her the same question. She sighed. He was right. After the way she'd behaved the last three weeks what right did she have to pass judgement on anyone? She dropped her gaze back to the floor. The silence was awkward. Erin strained to remember when their silence had ever been awkward. 

"I need to go. He's waiting in the car."

"Yeah, sure" she half shrugged. 

"Ok. Then I.... I'll see you Monday then?" 

"Ya. Monday." She replied without conviction.   
They stood in silence for a moment more then Jay moved tenderly out of the room. She watched his feet shuffle across the floor. She heard him slowly make his way down the stairs and out the door. 

Monday. How the hell was she gonna make it to Monday?


	2. Chapter 2

Aftermath chapter two

Erin stood at the sink absentmindedly rinsing the plate for the toast she'd eaten for breakfast. It was almost time to leave. Hank would be down in a few minutes and she'd have to put on her big girl pants and face them all. How would they react? Did they hate her? Would they accept her back? Trust her with their lives again? She felt her stomach roll. Was this even a good idea? Could she handle it? Was she ready? Did she really think she could move past this and do some good? 

She'd been over and over these questions all week.

A week. It been a week since she shot that bastard in the head. A week since she'd seen Jay beaten bloody. A week since she'd been numb. 

It was different this time, getting clean. She had anticipated the head aches, the cold sweats the nausea, the nightmares. She knew those would pass. And they did. Well except the nightmares. Those were kind enough to stick around. She was bracing for the pain, the heartbreak. After all that's what she was trying to push away when she took that first drink. But it didn't come. Not like she thought that first day. Instead she was angry. Really fucking angry. After Jay left she couldn't stay in that room another second longer. She threw on her runners and headed out the door. And she just started running. Pounding her feet into the ground. Faster. Harder. Over and over. 

When she finally looked up she was surprised by where she was. Well maybe not really. She hesitated a moment before opening the door. The smell instantly brought her back 14 years. It smelled like sweat. And aggression. And sweat. 

"Erin? Is that you? My god girl, look at you! Haven't seen you in ages! Not since you graduated the academy. What are you doing here?" Erin smiled half heartedly at the older man who made his way towards her. 

"Hi frank. It's been a long time. I umm... Not really sure how I ended up here actually just went for a run and, well I'm here" Erin said apologetically. 

Erin had first met Frank when she was 16. Hank had brought her here, to this boxing gym, after she'd slammed her fist through yet another wall in anger. Having to keep her shit together all day at that damn prep school was no easy task. By the end of the day she just couldn't contain it anymore and every little thing set her off. Camille had suggested therapy, to deal with everything she'd gone through. So Hank brought her here. Said it was the best therapy money could buy. And he was right. 

"Well," Frank said assessing her. "You're here now." 

"Yeah. Yeah I am" she replied straightening up. 

Frank gave a nod and stretched his arm out towards the ring. "Let's see what you got kid" Erin smiled at him and proceeded into the gym. 

And she'd gone back every day that week. Pounded the anger into the bag over and over again until she couldn't lift her arms anymore. 

 

"Hey kid, you think that dish is clean yet?" Hanks voice pulled her from her thoughts. 

"Oh, sorry" Erin said turning off the water and placing the dish to dry. 

"You about ready to go then?" Hank asked. 

"Yeah. Sure" Erin's stomach did a back flip but she pulled herself up. Tilted her chin up. If Hank thought for one moment she couldn't handle this she'd be out. 

"Ok, let's go." And he headed out to the truck. Erin took one last deep breath. This was it. Time to get back on the horse. She grabbed her go bag off the floor and followed Hank outside. 

 

Erin was grateful today that Hank liked to get to work before everyone else. It gave her time to settle in and start going through cases without feeling like a museum exhibit when she walked in. 

She had no idea how long she's been engrossed in paperwork when a coffee cup suddenly appeared in front of her face. She glanced up to see her partner flash her a good morning grin and turn to make his way towards his own desk. She watched for a moment as he settled in. Looking for signs that it was too early for him to be back. The cuts and bruises on his face had faded. But other than that she had no idea how he was feeling. 

She's though about calling him all week but didn't know what she would say. His blue eyes locked with hers. Studying her. She couldn't help but allow a small smile to spread on her face. He was doing the same thing she'd just done to him. Assessing her readiness to be here. They were quite the pair. He returned the smile soft and warm. Then they both turned their focus back to work. 

As the members of her team arrived they each greeted her as if it was a normal Monday morning. Like she hasn't missed a day and everything was fine. Casual hello, some small talk about their weekend, then settling in with their coffee and paperwork. She appreciated the informality and held out hope for what it meant for the coming days. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. 

 

"What was wrong with your coffee?" Jay asked. 

"What?" Erin replied, bewildered. They were on their way to interview a witness and the car had been filled with silence. Not their usual comfortable lost in thought silence but the awkward one from the other day. 

"Your coffee. I brought you a coffee this morning, like every Monday. Two sugars, one cream. You didn't touch it." Jay sounded almost mad. She turned her eyes from the road briefly to read his expression but he was staring out the window. 

"I, um nothing. It was fine" 

"Then why didn't you drink it?" He turned to look at her with demanding eyes. 

She felt an embarrassed flush creeping up her neck. Shit! Get a grip Erin. She readjusted in her seat. What was she going to say? She couldn't lie. What a way to start things off. She let out a slow sigh. "I'm not drinking coffee right now. With the, um. The caffeine. It makes me um jumpy" she snuck a quick glance at Jay he looked confused but understanding quickly dawned on his face. She's quit just about everything that was even remotely addictive this past week. She needed to detox her system and the caffeine only made the anxiety, headaches and shaky limbs more predominant as the withdrawal set in.

"Shit." She heard him mutter under his breath. "Sorry I wasn't thinking". 

"It's ok. No big deal" she replied as casually as she could manage. 

She stole another glance. Jay had returned his attention back out the window. Thankfully they would arrive at their destination in a moment and put an end to yet another awkward silence. 

 

Over the next few weeks Erin found herself a new routine. One that a few months ago would have driven her crazy with boredom from monotony. But these past few weeks she craved the routine. She woke early on work days, and alternated between going for a run and the boxing gym from her teen years. She felt a bit guilty about this. She knew she should be going back to her regular gym, especially since Antonino had just purchased it. But she didn't want to face her coworkers off hours. They'd been good to her since she's been back but she knew she had to work to prove she was really back. And to do that she couldn't let them see just how hard it was. She hit that bag with every once of pain, grief, regret, guilt, shame and anger in her body. But the next day there was always more to unload. Dr. Charles had told her to be patient with herself, break it off in small chunks. She wasn't quite sure what that meant or how to do that. And although she had grown to respect, even like the doc, therapy wasn't for her. She was surprised Hank had made it mandatory actually, along with the drug tests and living with him. He wasn't a therapy type of guy, hence the intro to the boxing gym all those years ago. But once a week she and Dr. Charles would do a little dance around how she was coping. At least he didn't push her. 

Today was particularly hard. She knew at some point Hank was going to let her leave the nest again and she had to be ready. This morning she'd grown a pair and finally went back to her apartment. When she entered the living area a wave of nausea over took her. It wasn't just the foul state the last partiers had left the space in. It was Nadia. Sweet Nadia. She was everywhere. Everything Erin looked at reminded her of Nadia and what Erin let happen to her. Erin knew, no matter what anyone tried to tell her, that she would always feel responsible for what happened to Nadia. She'd made that girl some big promises. And in the end it was her promises that got her killed. 

When Erin realized the tears that were falling from her cheeks she lost it. She wasn't going to do this. She couldn't let the grief, the guilt win. She couldn't get sucked back down. In an angry flurry she grabbed a garbage bag and started tossing everything she got her hands on into it. Every empty beer can, every painful memory was going out with the trash. By lunchtime she'd cleared most of the room and even managed somehow to drag her couch out to the dumpster. 

She'd just returned with several cans of paint and painting supplies when she heard a knock at the door. Who the hell was that? So help her if one of her mothers junkie friends had the nerve to show up at her door! Erin pulled the door open with force, ready for a confrontation. And there he stood. Arms laden with take out bags and soft drinks. Amused surprise painted on his face at the sight of her. A hot, dirty, sweaty mess primed for a fight. "Jay!" Her voice cracked with surprise. "What the hell are you doing here?"


	3. Chapter 3

She cringed at the way her voice sounded. But he just raised an eyebrow at her. "I, I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting you."

"Apparently," he chuckled "The Hawk’s made the playoffs. We always watch the playoffs together. I swung by Voight's, he said you'd come here so I thought I'd pick up dinner and we could watch the game." He raised his arms full of food to emphasize his point and motioned to let him pass with his load. Erin stepped back and held the door as Jay walked past her into the apartment. 

"Holy fuck! What the hell happened here?" Jay exclaimed. 

"I ah, I needed a fresh start" Erin said looking everywhere but at Jay. The apartment was stark. She'd moved what little furniture she had left to the centre so she could paint the walls and covered the wood floors with drop cloths to protect them. 

"What happened to the couch?" 

"I put it out by the dumpster"

"By yourself?" Jay's voice raised in disbelief and alarm. 

"I'm a big girl. I managed" Erin sasses back. 

"Are you crazy? What if you fell down the stairs? You'd be laid up for weeks, if you were lucky. Why the hell didn't you call me?" 

Oh shit. This was the last thing she wanted, Jay pissed off at her. They'd been doing so well the last few weeks. It was slow but they were starting to find their groove again. The awkwardness was fading. They'd even joked around a bit yesterday. She'd missed their banter. And they'd found their rhythm on the last raid working seamlessly and soundlessly to clear that old house and take their suspect into custody. 

When Erin didn't answer Jay let out a long sigh. "Forget it" 

Erin snapped her head around. "What?" 

"Just forget it. Look Erin, I.... I just... You don't have to do this on your own. We're here. All of us. I'm here." 

"I know. I just." She let out a sigh. "Thank you. Thank you for keeping your promise even when I didn't keep mine" 

"Erin" Jay pleaded

"No, Jay look I know I fucked up"

"Tripped up"

"What"

"Tripped up. Look I get it. I get what you went through, what you're going through. I'm not judging you. You don't owe me an apology. That's not what I want. I just... Your my partner. My friend. I just want that back." 

Erin nodded. She didn't have words for that. Despite everything that happened he still wanted her in his life. It was a little overwhelming. But she knew it's what she wanted too.

"Look let's eat this food before it gets cold and we can turn on the game and I'll help you paint." 

"Ok" she conceded. 

They ate in silence at first, sitting on the floor staring up at the tv. But after a few bad calls by the ref they fell into easy banter over the game. Eventually they got up off the floor and started painting the walls of Erin's living room. Erin was just finishing off the window trim when she heard Jay laughing. 

"What's so funny?" 

"You."

"Me?" Erin was confused. 

"Yeah, you." Jay shook his head amusement clear on his face. "You are the only person I know who can paint a wall and get more paint on your butt then the wall!" He laughed.   
"You checking out my ass again Halstead?" Erin teased. 

Jay froze. The smile slipped from his face and his eyes questioned. Erin shifted uncomfortably. She hadn't meant anything by it. They'd just fallen back into their old rhythm. Slowly a smile crept back across his face. "I'd never turn down an opportunity to check out your ass Lindsay" he wiggles his eyebrows. He'd called her Lindsay. He got that she was just joking around. She relaxed. 

"Shut up!" She volleyed back. 

"Original" he laughed at her. 

"bastard." She muttered under her breath. Jay chuckled to himself. 

They traded a few more jabs and started cleaning up the mess. Afterward Jay walked with Erin out to their cars. Erin was beat and looking forward to a hot shower and crawling into her bed at Hank's. 

"Thanks for your help. It was, it was fun." Erin offered. 

"Huh." He mused. "First I'm a bastard and now I'm fun."

Erin rolled her eyes. "I'll see you at work" she called as she slid into her car. Jay laughed and waved as he made his way across the street to his car.


	4. Chapter 4

Monday morning Erin entered the precinct feeling better about life than she had in a long time. But she knew there was still a long road ahead. Cleaning out her apartment had been cathartic. She laughed at herself. Cathartic... Too much time with Dr Charles she thought. She nodded at Sargent Platt as she made her way up the steps to buzz herself into intelligence. 

As she entered the bullpen Jay and Antonio both looked up to greet her. 

"Morning Lindsay, have a good weekend?" Antonio asked

"I did actually, you?" 

"Ya, drove up to see the kids" he smiled and his face lit up as he said it. 

"That's great! How are they doing?" 

"Good actually. I miss them like crazy though. But we planned a camping trip for when school gets out" Antonio beamed.  
Erin smiled back. That was good to hear. It'd been really hard on Antonio being separated from his kids but this job was just so demanding. 

She got to her desk and noticed the coffee cup and paper bag sitting on top. She looked across to her partner. 

"It's tea." Jay offered by way of hello. "Decaf, and a little something extra to prove I'm not such a bastard." He laid on his full smile. She couldn't help but smile back at the goof. She peaked in the bag and smiled wider. 

Chocolate croissant from her favourite bakery. 

"Kiss ass" she rolled her eyes at him but her smile let him know that she appreciated the treat. He winked at her, and she felt her stomach flutter. No, no, no don't go there, she told herself. That's the last thing you need right now. Just focus on getting through the day. She took a deep breath and settled into her work. 

About an hour later Erin got up to stretch her legs and headed to the break room to get some water. She felt Jay enter behind her. It never ceased to amaze her how she knew intuitively where Jay was and could anticipate his next move. 

"So I have some good news" she turned to watch him fill his coffee cup. 

"Oh?"

"Hank's letting me move back into my place next week!" 

Jay smiled. "Wow! That is good news." 

"Unhu I mean I need to get a new couch and stuff but... Hey, we should celebrate!" Erin surprised herself. She hadn't been planning on offering that up but she liked the idea of spending time outside of work with Jay. They'd always spent time off shift together, hanging out. He was easy to be around. It was nice to think they were getting back to a place where they could do that again. 

"Molly's?" Jay offered. 

The smile vanished from Erin's face. "I ah. I'm not sure I'm ready for that" she said quietly, looking away. She'd made a lot of progress and felt in control most of the time but Erin wasn't ready to temp herself in that environment just yet. 

Jay reached out and put his hand on Erin's arm to get her attention back. "Hey. It's cool. What did you have in mind?" 

"Nothing actually. Don't worry it was a dumb idea" Erin started to leave the room. Jay caught her arm. 

"No it wasn't. It's a big deal. Tell you what. I'll treat you to purple pig."

Erin's eyebrows shot up in surprise "Wait, are you offering to buy me dinner?"

Jay laughed, "don't get use to it!" He winked and sauntered off to his desk. Erin could feel the flush spread across her cheeks. She rolled her eyes. Get back to work, she barked silently at herself. 

As she was coming out of the break room she caught a glimpse of some uniforms turning the corner with a perp in cuffs heading towards the interrogation rooms. 

"Lindsay!" Hank called from his office. Erin popped in his door.

"What's up?"

"Take this file, grab Jay and talk to that guy." Hank said pointing in the direction the uniforms had gone. Erin looked at the file.   
"This the Boyd murder?"

"Yeah, Mouse picked up a van leaving the dump sight on the pods, ID'd this guy as the driver."

Erin walked passed Jay's desk motioning for him to follow as she looked over the suspects rap sheet in the folder Hank had given her.   
"Mike Greene, Guy's been busy, b&e, car jacking, assault, possession... Goes on and on" Erin offered to Jay. She looked up, he nodded at her and opened the interrogation room door, standing back to let her in. Always the gentleman she laughed to herself. She cleared her face of expression moving into the room and gave the suspect a scan. Erin's breath caught in her throat and she froze. Jay tripped over her at her sudden stop. 

"Erin? You ok?" He asked

Erin didn't reply. She stood, rooted in spot for what felt like an eternity staring eye to eye with the suspect. 

"Erin?" Jay prompted again. 

Erin didn't answer but suddenly turned on her heels and ran out of the room, pushed past the uniform standing guard in the hallway, and headed down the hall towards the lockers. 

She barrelled through the door and made a bee line for the garbage can. 

Up came breakfast. 

She clung to the cans rim trying to steady the swaying room when she felt a hand at her back and some cool wet paper towel touch her face. She grabbed the paper from Jay's hand muttered a thanks and turned away because she didn't want him seeing her like this. "Erin? You ok" he asked cautiously. 

"Yeah, fine" she said flatly. 

"Liar"

She turned on her heals and glared at him. "I said I'm fine."

"Bullshit." He glared right back. Then his expression changes. Softened. "Talk to me." The silence was heavy and they stared at each other. Please, his eyes pleaded with her. Erin sighed. Tossed the paper towel in the garbage can and sat heavy in the bench in front of the lockers. 

"I'm fine really. I. I was just caught off guard. The stench of him made me nauseous. I'm good now." She tried to brush off the incident. Taking a deep breath she looked him straight in the eye. He held her gaze and moved to sit next to her. 

"You sure?"he asked, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. His touch was warm. Reassuring. She closed her eyes briefly and basked in the feel of him touching her. Nothing steadied her like Jay’s touch. She opened her eyes and nodded. 

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks." She offered and stood to leave. 

"Erin,"Jay's voice stopped her retreat. "If you'd rather not do this I'm sure Atwater or Dawson can..."

"No!" she cut him off before he finished. She turned to exit the locker room. "I'm good. Let's just do this."

 

***

 

Two of the longest fucking hours of her life she'd been in that interrogation room, his stale cigarette mixed with cheep whisky, bad cologne, and garlic smell filling her nostrils, taking her back to a time she desperately needed to forget. Her nightmares started playing through her head and messing with her focus. All while he spewed so much bullshit she wanted to grab him by the ear and drag his ass down to the cage and beat the snot out of him. But she kept it bottled up. Well mostly. She kept reminding herself this was no where near the longest she'd ever sat across from scum waiting them out for the information she needed to solve a case. She kept reminding herself he was not the figure that taunted her in her dreams every night. 

Jay took the lead this time thankfully and for two hours they interrogated the shit out of the scum bag only to end up going in circles. 

She'd had enough. Enough of his lies. Enough of the games. Enough of the smell that took her back 16 years.

Erin exploded out of her chair, it flew backwards and hit the floor with a loud clatter. She banged her fists on the table. "ENOUGH!" She screamed. The Greene’s eyes widened in surprise and she felt Jay shift beside her, readying for whatever was coming next. "I've had enough of your shit. It's time for truth telling!"

"Or what?" He snickered at her. His nonchalant attitude only enraged Erin further. She moved around the table in one motion grabbed the prick by the neck and pushed him up against the wall. 

"Or I make sure you never score yourself another night with those skank hookers you love so much" she threatened moving her knee to put pressure on his groin. She tightened her hand around his neck more and twisted his wrist back and up. He winced and cried out in pain. Erin increased the pressure. He cried out more. 

"You gonna talk now?" Erin spit through gritted teeth. He only groaned louder. Erin moved quick, spun her body and slammed his head against the interrogation table. "Spill it!" She shouted. 

She felt Jay's hand on her shoulder. "Erin" he cautioned. She made eye contact with him. Without saying a word he let her know she'd gone too far and he wanted her to back off. She glared right back at him telling him to let her finish. But Jay didn't back down. She had no idea how long they stood arguing with their eyes. Finally the door opened "Lindsay?” Antonio questioned. "Voight asked for you, said he has something to share" 

Erin glared at Jay a moment longer before abruptly pushing Greene out of her hold. Blood from the broken nose caused by her slamming his head down smeared across the table. He staggered and fell on his ass on the floor. Erin stepped over him, pushed past Jay and left the room with a slam of the door. Antonio helped Jay continue the interrogation while Erin marched in fury towards Hank's office. 

"Erin!" A voice behind her called, halting her abruptly. She turned to face Hank. He'd been in the viewing room. 

"What the hell was that?" He demanded. 

"What was what?" Erin spat back. 

"You know damn well what I'm talking about."

"What, so you're the only one around here who can use aggressive interrogation techniques now" she accused. 

"Don't push me Erin" Hank threatened. She rolled her eyes. His glare letting her know he wasn't playing games. "Go take a walk. Clear your head. I want you in my office in 30" he barked then turned to go back and watch Antonino and Jay question the suspect. 

Erin shot daggers at the space Hank used to occupy then she crashed through the hall doors and down the stairs seeking the escape of the cool afternoon air. Her positive outlook from this morning had vanished.


	5. Chapter 5

Thirty minutes later Erin found herself sitting on the edge of the chair in Hank's office staring into his cool blue eyes. 

"I thought you had your shit together" Hank stated cooly. 

"I do."

"Do you? Because the Detective Lindsay I know has a cool head under pressure. She's observant and deliberate in her choices. She's the one I count on to keep her partners from acting too fast without thinking. The girl in that interrogation room was not that Detective. Care to explain." Hank asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Erin sat in silence. No way was she going to tell him what had her vomiting and smashing heads against tables. He'd kick her from the job so fast she wouldn't have time to blink. 

"We had a deal or were you just spitting lies to get your job back?" She could hear the irritation creeping into his voice. It pissed her off when he treated her like a delinquent. After all these years he still saw her as a reckless 15 year old. 

"I never lied to you!" Erin raised her voice in anger. "I've kept my end of the deal"

"Have you?"

"Yes I have! You know I have."

"Then what happened in there?" Hank demanded. 

Erin sighed. "I just got distracted." She brushed it off as nothing. 

They looked at each other in silence. Voight waiting for her to offer more. But she didn't know what to say that wouldn't tip him off to what had really happened. 

"Erin," Hank's voice had turned softer. "I can't have you distracted."

"I know," she whispered and straightened her back. 

"A distracted cop is a dead cop."Hank stated mater of factly. "And you were a hell of a lot more than 'just distracted' you were aggressive and dangerous."

"You're right." She said but still couldn't offer more. But maybe if she just agreed he'd back off. 

"Maybe you're not ready to be on your own." Hank sighed shaking his head, regret in his voice. 

"What!!!" Erin screeched. "Hank I've worked my ass off, done everything you've asked. Ive been clean and sober for weeks. I have one bad minute and you want to punish me. You lose your shit all the time with suspects. Why the hell am I always held to a different standard!" Erin screamed arms raised in question. 

"Because you're a better cop than me Erin. I made damn sure of it." He said quietly and firmly in contrast to her outburst. He gaze was steady and warm. He sighed again. "Erin, look I know I'm hard on you but it's what you need. You know I'm only doing what's best for you."

"Gee thanks."She muttered sarcastically. 

Hank opened his mouth to say more when there was a knock at the door. 

"Come in."he boomed. Ruzek opened the door. 

"Sarg, sorry to interrupt but we've gotta roll. Luke Boyd's daughter was just found dead in a dumpster."

"Let's go." Hank said getting up out of his chair. He gave Erin a pointed look asking if she was ready to get back to work. She nodded and he motioned for her to head out ahead of him. She grabbed her stuff and headed down the stairs to her 300. 

~~~~~~~

For the rest of the day Erin tried to stay focused on the second victim connected to their latest case and not the smell that wouldn't leave her nostrils. She and Olinsky chased down the details of the co-eds recent activities and spoke with her friends and fellow students. This case was intense and the state they'd found Jenna Boyd's body in was appalling. Erin was hoping Jay and Antonio were able to get some info out of Greene because she was afraid more Boyd's might start turning up dead soon. 

~~~~~~~

She climbed the stairs to intelligence wearily just wanting to wrap things up. The smell lingered in her nostrils still and it had been hours since she sat across from Greene. Erin could hear a little voice in her head telling her the best way to forget today, to forget the man in her nightmares, would be to find some dark and dingy bar and drink them away. Over and over again she told herself to finish her paperwork and head home for a shower and bed. But what does it matter Hank doesn't think you can do this. Why are you even bothering to try, the voice cackled at her. She prayed for a dreamless sleep tonight. You know exactly what will make the nightmares stop! You didn't have to think about all this stuff when you were high.

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! She cursed the voice and continued to push herself up the stairs and towards her desk. 

"Hey," Jay called as she approached. "How'd it go?"

"Not much to go on. Any luck on the security cameras?" Erin asked, exhaustion evident in her voice as she settled into her chair. 

Jay shook his head no and came around his desk to sit on the edge of Erin's.  
"So I made a reservation for seven. That should give you enough time to finish up here right?" 

Erin looked up at Jay. She could see the excitement in his eyes. She'd forgotten about their dinner. She let out a heavy sigh and rubbed her forehead. "Jay I'm sorry but I need to cancel." 

Jays face fell and disappointment clouded his eyes. "Why what's up?" He sounded concerned. 

"I'm just...." She paused, trying to find a way to let him down gently without tipping him off that she was still out of sorts. "it's been a long day and besides it doesn't look like I've much to celebrate anyway." Jays expression turned quizzical. "Hank doesn't think I'm ready to move out after all," she said with a shrug.

Jay looked around the room then moved closer, resting his hand on her arm. His touch caused goose bumps to form. She wanted to pull her arm away, the comfort was unwelcome, but she was paralyzed to his touch. 

"Hey what's going on?"

"It's nothing. He just doesn't like the way I acted in interrogation. You know because no one in this unit ever loses their tempter with a suspect." She said with a roll of her eyes. Jay stared at her. She hoped he would let it drop. 

"Well you still need to eat." Jay offered. 

"Honestly I'm not that hungry." Erin's stomach rumbled as if on cue. 

"Not hungry my ass. When was the last time you ate anyway?" Erin pretended to be interested in something on her desk. "Erin," Jay let out an exasperated sigh. "You need to eat." 

She glanced up at him and saw the concern etched on his face. She felt a wave of guilt she'd managed to push away these last couple weeks. She's made him worry so much already. "I'll grab something on my way home. I promise. I'm just tired it's been a long day." 

"You really want to go home to Voight after your exchange earlier? Look, you're not up to The Pig, that's fine. Why don't you come to my place? We can order in and watch the Hawks game." He offered hopefully. Erin never was able to say no to his puppy dog expression. 

"Fine," she sighed. "I have a bit to take care of here first,” she motioned to her desk. Jay's face lit with a killer smile. 

"Great! I'll wrap up and head out to pick up dinner. Meet you at my place in a hour?" He was practically bouncing 

"Yeah that sounds good." A smile, the first one since this morning crept involuntarily across her face. Jay was such a dork she mused shaking her head and trying to focus on getting through her work so she could get the hell out of there. Maybe spending the evening with Jay would help shut off the voices in her head.


	6. Chapter 6

Jay took the stairs up to his apartment two at a time. He chided himself for the nervous anticipation coursing through his body. It was ridiculous. Erin had been over to watch the Hawk’s games dozens of time the last two years. His mind fell back to the last time she'd been here, the last night they'd spent together before Voight had forced them to cool it. An ache filled his chest. Stop it! Jay scolded himself. It's too soon for that. You need to figure out what the hell is going on in that girl's head first. He didn't even want to think right now about the conversation he and Voight had had earlier. Well, conversation wasn't really the right word. More like Voight spoke and he listened and agreed. He'd broach that topic after he finally got Erin to open up to him. 

He knew she was lying when she said her vomiting this afternoon was nothing. He also knew her saying she was tired was a cop out for cancelling dinner. Something was up with her and he was damned if he wasn't going to get it out of her. 

Balancing his purchases in one arm he unlocked his apartment door and set to work preparing for her arrival. True, there wasn't much to do as he kept things pretty neat and simple but it been awhile since more than Will had been here. 

As he was laying out the containers of dinner he heard a knock at the door. An instant smile came to his face. Finally she was here. Chill the fuck out, he told himself. Jay opened the door to find Erin waiting on the other side, white square box in hand. "Hey," he greeted her. 

"Hi, sorry I took so long, figured I'd pick up dessert." She said holding the box up as an offering. Jay took it smiling and moved aside so she could come in. 

"I'm not sweet enough for you?" he teases.   
She laughed and rolled her eyes at him. God what a beautiful sound. For awhile there Jay had been worried he'd never hear that laugh again. Never see the way her eyes sparkled with mischief when they bantered. He gave himself an imaginary kick. Stop it. If she could read your mind right now she'd bolt out the door. 

They made small talk as they dished out their dinner and settled in front of the game. They teased each other and tossed insults at the tv as the Hawk’s blew one opportunity after another to make a goal while they ate. 

At the end of the first period Erin got up and began cleaning up their mess. "Leave it Erin, I can do that later." Jay ordered. She waved him off as she tossed take out containers into the garbage. Jay got up and came around to the kitchen. "Your so stubborn. Never listen to a damn thing." He teased. 

"Ha!" Erin laughed "sounds like your talking about yourself!" She volleyed back. 

"Whatever. You insist on cleaning up I get first crack at whatever's in this box," Jay teased, a huge grin on his face and he snatched up the box and moved out of the kitchen. He hadn't anticipated Erin coming up fast behind him and swiping the box from his hands. 

"No way! Your not stealing my favourites." She laughed and she slid around the other side of the couch cradling the box protectively in her arms. 

Jay started stalking her. "You know I could have that box in a heart beat if I really wanted to." He mused. 

Erin rolled her eyes. "You're all talk." Her eyes danced with excitement. Jay could feel his heart beat speed up. He stared at her contemplating his next move. Should he continue their game, take it a step further? Was she open to that? No. That's not the plan for tonight, he reminded himself. You need to know what's going on with her, what happened today. 

The smile fell from Erin's face. "What's wrong? Realize you can't win after all?" Her voice faltered. 

"Just don't want to embarrass you." He lied trying to sound light hearted. "You go ahead" Erin looked confused for a moment then shrugged and sat on the couch with the box on her lap. Carefully opening the box, she smiled at its contents then quickly picked up something small and popped it in her mouth. 

"mmmm" she moaned. Pleasure clearly displayed on her face. Jays gut tightened at the sound. His mouth dried. Really!?! You can't stay focused for two seconds. Jay sighed inwardly and came to sit beside Erin. He looked in the box and instantly smiled in understanding of her reaction. 

"Macaroons. From that Italian place you like so much!"

"Mm hmm" she mumbled with her mouth full. Jay reached his hand in the box cautiously, half expecting Erin to pull it away. But she allowed him to take one. He popped it in his mouth. He had to admit they were damn good. 

He let a few minutes pass enjoying watching her thoroughly enjoy the treats, contemplating where he should begin. He knew he needed to tread lightly. Finally he started. "Can we talk about this afternoon?"

"This afternoon?" She echoed confused. 

"Ya when you bolted out of interrogation and threw up the perfectly good chocolate croissant I brought you?" He reminded her, trying to keep his voice light. 

Erin sat quiet for a moment. Jay knew this was a bad sign. She was trying to think her way out of answering him. "There's nothing to talk about I told you the smell of him overwhelmed me." His heart sank. He'd hoped it wasn't going to be hard to get her to talk given how the evening had gone so well. He didn't understand why after all this time and everything they'd been through together she still was so closed off. 

"Erin we both know that's a lie. We've been in far worse places with far worse smells over the last two years and you never even flinched let alone lost a meal."

"Well today I did." She shrugged. 

"Yes," he started carefully "and i'd like to know why?"

Erin sighed, "Jay just give it a rest. There's nothing to tell so take off your detective hat and watch the rest of the game." She placed the box on the table and attempting to get comfortable. But Jay could see she was anything but. It was amusing actually, she was a great cop and incredible at undercover work but she couldn't lie worth shit when it came to him or Voight. She'd be terrible at poker he mused. He'd bet his last pay cheque she was lying to him now and he'd had enough of the game. His amusement faded. It was time to stop dancing around things. They hadn't spoken about what happened after Nadia's death and any time he tried to bring it up she'd found some way to side step the conversation. He knew she was doing better but he could also see that it was an uphill battle. He could see the dark circles under her eyes telling him she wasn't getting enough sleep. And although she looked strong and sober he could also see she was still masking a lot of pain. And whatever happened in interrogation today was weighing heavy on her too. 

He wanted to be there for her, help her get through this. He wanted to help her get back to where she was before Nadia died but she'd put up a wall and it was getting damn frustration trying to scale it. 

Jay reached for the remote and switched off the tv. "Hey!" she complained. 

"Hey nothing. It's time to talk." He said. "I'm done playing this game Erin. We need to talk and we need to do it now." He could hear the impatience in his voice, knew it wasn't the best way to approach her but he didn't care anymore he needed to get to the bottom of this, now.


	7. Chapter 7

"Excuse me?" Erin's voice turned up in surprise and anger. Jay knew once her back was up getting her to let him in was impossible but he wasn't thinking rationally right now. He could shake her for her stubbornness. Hadn't he proved over and over she could trust him? Why did they have to go through this every time? 

"Erin I know you're not ok. I know your still struggling with Nadia's death." Fire lit in her eyes. She jumped up off the couch. 

"She didn't die she was murdered remember? Raped, tortured and murdered. Right under our noses." Jay cringed at the angry desperate shrill in her voice. Yeah, he remembered. The guilt still ate at him too. He shouldn't have let her go out for that damn cake after the way Yates had eyed her leaving the precinct. He shook it off. He had to focus on Erin right now. 

He stood slowly and stepped towards her. "I remember Erin," he said gently. "I know you blame yourself. We all blame ourselves but you can't carry the guilt forever. Nadia wouldn't want that for you. It would have destroyed her to see the hole you fell into."

"Shut up!" She yelled. Jay was taken aback. Raw emotion shone in her eyes. "Just shut up." She made a bee line for the door but Jay recovered and cleared the space before her, blocking her exit. 

"So that's your answer. Every time something that makes you uncomfortable comes up you're gonna run? Thought you were done with that? Thought you were trying to face things?" He was angry now too and hurt. Why did she keep running from him?

"I run? I run!!" She spit back. "You're a hypocrite! You want me to talk to you about all these things but never, not once have you willingly shared a piece of yourself with me. Not about Afghanistan, not about your mom's death, not about why you won't speak to your dad." 

Jay stood there dumbfounded. Was that true? Was that how she felt? 

"Every time I ask you about something from your past you tell me it's old news or it's something I don't want to know. You want me to talk.... I have. I've told you more than anyone. When are you gonna start talking?" Her anger was palpable. He felt a sharp pain at the hurt he could see in her eyes. He didn't know what to say. 

He stood a little too long staring at her. "ya that's what I though." Erin said disgustedly. She pushed past him and opened the door. She quickly exited. Jay blinked, fuck, this wasn't going like he had planned. He needed to stop her. Get through to her and make her understand. He whipped the door open and shot down the hall in her direction. He caught her arm right before she opened the door to the stairwell. He needed to give her what she wanted to hear. Anything to stop her from running. Running right into another dark hole. 

"He cheated on her." Jay said between gritted teeth. 

"What?" Erin looked confused but she was also eying his hand on her arm with daggers. She wasn't pleased with the hold he had on her but he wasn't going to let her run away again. Words just spilled out in an angry shout. 

"He cheated on her. She was laying in a hospital bed pumped full of drugs dying of cancer and he was bending his receptionist over his desk," Jay continued bitterly, "My whole life he criticized me, told me I needed to work harder, needed to be more agreeable, needed to be more like Will. I disappointed him when I joined the army instead of going to college to join the family practice. He didn't even show up to my academy graduation, not that I cared by then knowing what he did to my mom. My whole life he put these expectations on me I could never live up to no matter how hard I tried and turns out he was nothing but a lying cheating bastard. Is that what you wanted to know? Does knowing that make you trust me? Will you stop with the wall and let me in now?" His voice was sharp and harsh. He'd never spoken those words out loud before. Never told anyone what he'd seen when his mother had asked him to bring his father dinner at the office because she was worried he wasn't taking care of himself between visiting her at the hospital and his own patients. Turns out he was taking care of himself just fine. 

Jay pushed the vile memory away and looked at Erin. She looked like a deer caught in headlights. Jay was immediately filled with regret at how he'd yelled at her. She didn't deserve that. She was right, he was a hypocrite. 

He took a breath, and loosened the grip on her arm. But he couldn't risk letting her go. He needed her to understand. "Erin, you're my partner. My best friend. The connection we have it's, I don't have the words for it but we're connected in a way I've never been connected to anyone before. When Nadia died all I wanted to do was ease your pain. I could feel it. It radiated off you in waves. I just wanted to help you. But you pushed everyone away and I felt so damn helpless. Nothing was right when you were gone. And I blamed myself for not trying hard enough to help you. And I'm terrified that if you don't face this, really face whatever's going on, you're going to end up back down that hole. I can't let that happen. I need you here. I'll do whatever I have to to make sure you don't fall again. But you have to let me in. You have to tell me what you need. Please," Jay pleaded. He didn't care if he sounded like a love sick puppy. He meant every word. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her. 

There was silence for a moment as they stared at each other. Finally Erin spoke, her voice softer. 

"Jay, I... I don't know what to say," He could see her anger had vanished, replaced with surprise, shock even. He didn't like that. Why couldn't she see herself the way he saw her. Why did she not feel worthy. He understood her trust issues but he thought he'd proven to her that he wasn't going anywhere. 

They stood in silence for a few more moments. He wasn't sure what to do next.   
"I'm sorry," Erin finally said breaking the silence. "About your dad" she said by way of explanation.

Jay half nodded half shrugged. He didn't want her pity. 

"It's not pity," she said, surprising him. "I have a little experience myself with shitty parents." She added dryly. Jay gave her a sympathetic smile. God he knew that was the understatement of the year. 

Erin looked around the hallway. "Let's go back inside" she suggested quietly. "We can talk more in there." Jay didn't know what to say or think. Did that mean he's gotten through to her? Was she going to talk to him? He watched her walk back towards his apartment. She looked back over her shoulder, "You coming? Or should we scream at each other in your hallway some more and let your neighbours call the cops?" She called to him, sardonic smile on her face. 

Jay snapped out of his thoughts. He quickly followed her inside and made his way to sit next to her on the couch. She sat uncomfortably staring at her hands. Jay decided to give it another try. 

"Im sorry I yelled at you," he started. She tried to speak but he put his hand up to stop her. "I'm just, I don't know Erin. I just want you to trust me. I want you to know that no matter what's going on, what went on in the past, I'm not going anywhere. It won't change what I think of you. You insist on doing this on your own. But it doesn't have to be that way." He stopped to gather his thoughts and catch his breath. What else could he say to make her understand?

"He reminded me of someone." Erin's voice was barely a whisper and she was staring at the floor. Jay held his breath, was she opening up? He didn't move, praying she'd give him more. "It was the smell more than anything else. He smelled like stale cigarettes, cheep whisky, god awful cologne, and garlic. The smell it... It reminded me of someone, something that happened a long time ago and it just caught me off guard." She was trying to dismiss it, dismiss him again but Jay wasn't having it anymore. They were finally getting somewhere.

"Who did it remind you of?" Jay asked careful to keep his voice calm.


	8. Chapter 8

Erin let out a long low breath and peaked up at Jay. Gone was the anger, hurt and frustration she's seen in his eyes earlier. He looked at her with that open caring look he gave her whenever she spoke of something painful. She hated talking about herself. Hated putting into words the things that haunted her. But what choice did she have? She knew she needed to give him something. How could she not after what he'd shared? And she knew she couldn't push him away anymore. He had been there for her, more than anyone. She couldn't deny the fact that he was the reason she was back. He was the reason she was trying so hard to keep her shit together. It hurt to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes. 

"He was a dealer and a pimp," she began looking off at nothing trying to find the right words. "One of my best friends, Karen, was one of his girls. He mistreated her of course and she was a mess." Erin stopped and looked at Jay for some sign he was disgusted by what she was telling him but he just continues with his open gaze, listening to her. "I tried to help her out when I could. Let her crash with me a few times. I tried to watch her back. But it was hard." 

"You had your own safety to worry about and you were just a kid," Jay interjected empathetically. 

Erin nodded. "She fucked up and somehow lost a drug delivery she was supposed to make. She called me in a panic. I tried to get to her, help her figure a way out." Erin's gaze went to the window as she took a minute to compose herself. No way was she gonna cry. "He decided to teach her a final lesson."

"What happened," Jay asked quietly placing his hand on her knee. 

Erin looked down at where Jay touched her. His hand was warm. Strong. She looked up into his eyes. He waited patiently for her to answer. She closed her eyes to block from feeling the sting that would come with her next words, "he beat her to death. By the time I got there, she was gone. He was standing over her with a Cheshire Cat smile on his face. When he saw me he laughed and then just left. There was nothing I could do. He knew that. I tried to but..." She stared down at her hands remembering Karen's blood on them as she tried to stop her head from bleeding, tried to get her to wake up. But it was too late. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "Anyway. That's what I though of when I walked into interrogation. Now you know."

Erin was done talking about it and she prayed she'd given him enough and he'd just let her be. She just couldn't give him more, not tonight. 

Jay's thumb traced circles on her knee. He nodded at her, understanding she was done for now. She let go the breath she'd been holding. He reached up and skimmed her cheek with his thumb and cupped her face gently. Intuitively she leaned into his touch, seeking the comfort his warmth always brought her. Her eyes closed of their own volition. She felt Jay's weight shift and his hand leave her cheek to be replaced by an arm across her shoulder. The tv came on. She opened her eyes a bit bewildered. Jay was settling into the couch and the last period of the hockey game was in full swing on the tv. Erin glanced back and forth between Jay and the tv, was that it? Just like that the conversation was over? But that's what she wanted right? Lord knows she couldn't sit there analyzing her feelings. It hit her then just how well Jay knew her. She just wanted to be with him. Be in a place that felt safe and let it go. And now that he knew what was bothering her he was giving that to her. Erin shifted and settled in to his side. His arm still draped across her shoulder. 

 

Erin felt the press of warm lips to her forehead. "Hey sleepy head" a soft deep voice whispered against her hair. She felt the warmth of his hard chest against her cheek, and the graze of his hand as it softly stroked her arm. Erin blinked her eyes open and looked up in to deep blue eyes. She smiled. Then the fog cleared. "Shit! What time is it? She asked sitting up out of Jay's embrace. 

"A little after 1am. You fell asleep and I guess so did I" Jay said with a laugh. "Got somewhere you're in a hurry to be?"

"Yes! Oh shit." Erin looked around franticly until she located her cell phone. No missed calls. She didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She got to her feet and quickly gathered her things. "Hank’s gonna kill me. You can be sure I won't be moving back into my place now!"

"Wait," Jay asked confusion in his voice "he's got you on a curfew too?" 

"Yup! If we're not working a case I'm to be in by midnight." She said with a roll of her eyes. 

"I didn't realize. I'm sorry I wouldn't have let you sleep..."Jay started to apologize. 

"No it's fine its not your fault. It's been a long day." Erin finished putting on her boots and looked up at Jay. "Thank you. For dinner, for the game, for being here for me, again. It was nice." 

"Even the part where we gave the neighbours a show," Jay raised an eyebrow teasingly. 

"Well, not so much that part but you know, you're not perfect." She teased back. "I'll see you tomorrow" she smiled and gave a quick wave as she hurried out the door and down to her car. She just hoped against hope Hank wouldn't be up when she came home. She wasn't looking forward to one of his late night interrogations and it been years since she had to worry about sneaking in late and facing him.


	9. Chapter 9

Erin slid her key into the door of Hank's house and turned the knob slowly. This is ridiculously, she thought to herself. I'm not gonna sneak around like a teenager. I haven't done anything wrong. Erin gave up trying to be stealthy and let herself in the house. She dropped her keys in the bowl and flipped on the light so she could see her way to the stairs leading to her room. She jumped slightly and her breath caught at the figure sitting in the arm chair across the room from her before her brain could process that it was Hank. "Jesus Hank, you scared the crap out of me! Why are you sitting here in the dark?" She asked a bit shakily. 

"Waiting for you" he replied flatly. "You lose your phone?"

Erin sighed it appeared they were going to do this. "No, I fell asleep" 

Hank raised an eyebrow in question. 

"I had dinner with Jay and we watched the Hawk’s game. It was a long day, the game was boring and I passed out on the couch. Jay doesn't know about your curfew so he didn't think to wake me. That's it Hank. Nothing happened. I'm clean. I'm sober. I'm not involved with my partner. I haven't broken any of your rules and I'm tired so if you don't mind I'm gonna go to bed" Erin said wearily as she headed for the stairs.

"I do mind actually. Sit down." Hank ordered. Erin stared at him a moment. Was he serious? He was going to make a big deal out of this? Erin sighed and crossed the room to the couch sitting down to the left of Hank's chair. She sat straight and braced herself to try and remain neutral and unaffected by his forthcoming rant. He didn't say anything just studied her. She didn't dare break eye contact with him. One thing Hank had no use for was someone who couldn't look him in the eye. Finally he let out a sigh and spoke. 

"I'm sorry," he said. Erin was stunned. What was he apologizing for? Hank Voight did not apologize. "I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. Your right, you have been working hard and I'm proud of you." Erin could feel tears welling up. Oh god. Why did he have to do this? Why today of all days did he have to decide to be the loving father figure. "I didn't know how else to handle you. You know me. I'm tough love. But I've thought about it, after our conversation earlier in my office, and I was wrong. That's not all you need. You need someone to be there. Someone you can talk to about all the stuff that's still whirling around in your head and not fear what their reaction might be. Someone who has your back. Someone like your partner." 

Erin was confused. Where the hell was he going with this? She didn't speak, had no idea what to say to his little speech. She looked around the room for an empty tumbler or any sign that maybe he's had a few drinks this evening. None showed itself. 

"I spoke with Halstead today while you were out with Olinsky." Oh crap, Erin thought. What now? "Told him you needed someone to have your back 24/7. He agreed." Hank looked at her pointedly and continued, "You know I don't like in house romance. You know why. But with everything you've been through, well it's more important you have people who you can count on to be there. I know you think you can, but you can't do this on your own. Yes, I need you focused on the job but I don't need you so focused your life becomes an empty shell and you go home at night with nothing to do but dwell on the past. You’ll fall right back in that hole. So I'm not gonna ask about what you do when your with Halstead, I don't want to know. Don't care. I trust him to be there for you. I trust him to have your back and that's what I need to know right now." 

Erin still couldn't speak. What was she supposed to say to this? He'd talked to Jay? Jay never mentioned it. Then again she and Jay had their own exchange tonight. Probably not the best time to bring it up. 

"I asked him not to tell you about our conversation. I wanted to talk to you myself first." Hank continued. "I don't know what went on with you today in interrogation. But I do know you could have picked a hell of a lot worse options than falling sleep on your partners couch watching hockey as a way of dealing with whatever's going on in your head."

Erin gave a half smile. She still wasn't sure what to say to all this. But apparently Hank wasn't done talking. "You do need to deal with whatever's going on in your head. Seeing Dr. Charles is still part of the deal but I think it's time you took a step forward. Starting Friday your free to go back to your place."

Erin's eyes went wide. "Are you serious?" Was all she could manage to say. Hank nodded. 

"You've still got work to do Erin. And I'm still going to be watching you but I think it's time." He smiled at her warmly. "And I'm here anytime, you know that." He said looking her straight in the eye. 

Erin felt a bit overwhelmed trying to process everything Hank had just said. But there was one thing she did know, she was grateful he was in her life. She stood, and so did Hank. She stepped forward and hugged him, hard. She felt him squeeze her back and drop a quick kiss in the top of her head. "I love you kiddo" his voice was lower and raspier than usual with emotion. Erin couldn't speak, trying to keep her emotions in check, but she nodded her agreement into his shoulder. 

He held her back and they stared at each other a moment. Expressing words of affection neither one of them were any good at voicing. Then he reached up and mussed up her hair. "Get to bed" he ordered in a humorous voice. She smiled and let out a small laugh, placing a quick kiss on his cheek. "Night," she barely squeaked out and she turned and headed up the stairs. 

Once in her room Erin sat heavily on the side of her bed. She was exhausted. Her emotions had run the full gamut today. Images of the day started to swirl in her head. Don't, she scolded herself. Don't start with this now. Just get to bed. Erin rose and changed for bed then climbed under the covers. She lay staring at the ceiling. He mind drifted over the day's events again. Hanks speech, her evening with Jay, the Boyd case, interrogating Greene. STOP! She demanded. She shifted under the covers and tried to make her mind go blank. Her cell phone vibrated on the nightstand. At this time of night that was never a good thing. She picked it up and checked the message. It was Jay. 

YOU GET IN ALRIGHT? HOW LONG YOU GROUNDED FOR? 

She rolled her eyes and smiles at the phone. Then typed back a reply.   
HOME FINE. APPARENTLY BREAKING CURFEW HAS ALLOTTED ME THE PRIVILEGE OF MOVING OUT.... STARTING FRIDAY NIGHT I’M BACK IN MY OWN PLACE. 

Jay's reply came quick.  
LOL WELL THATS GOOD NEWS!

IT IS. HEARD YOU HAD A CHAT WITH HANK TODAY.   
Erin couldn't help herself. She wanted to know what Jay thought of Hank's 'don't ask don't tell' revelation. 

HE'S SPOKEN TO YOU THEN? 

HE HAS. APPARENTLY YOU'RE MY NEW BABYSITTER...  
She typed it as a joke but truth be told she wondered if that was what Hank had really meant. Now that she was thinking about it, did he really trust her or was he just putting her on a longer leash? Her phone began vibrating in her hand. She looked down to see Jay was calling her. She hesitated a moment before answering. 

"Hey,"she answered quietly. 

"I'm not your babysitter."He said pointedly without greeting her. "That's not how we work. I though we had a deal? I though we promised to have each other's backs? He asked me to keep an eye on you. I said I would. But I always have, always will, no matter what Voight or anyone else says. I thought you did the same for me?"

Erin swallowed a lump of emotion. "I do, you know that. You know that's why I came back," she whispered. 

"I know. I'm glad you did." His voice was warm and laced with emotion too. 

The silence stretched out. The unspoken words hung heavy between them. She cared so much for this man. He had tried so hard to be there for her. He knew what she was doing and yet he never judged her, never turned his back on her. 

Erin swallowed hard again. No crying! "Jay I don't know what comes next. You were right earlier about me still having a lot to work through,"she confessed. She felt so uncomfortable talking about this but she didn't want him to think she wasn't grateful he was still in her life. She'd caused so much hurt already. 

"I know Erin, it's ok. I just want to be here for you."

"You are."Her voice was barely a whisper and thick with emotion. Oh god don't cry. What was it with the men in her life tonight? 

"Get some sleep," he gently encouraged. "You have to get up early if your gonna stand in the line at Starbucks to get my coffee and not be late for work."He teased.

She laughed. Thank god he knew when to back off the heavy stuff. "I am, am I?"

"Yeah well it's about time you paid me back for all the decaf tea I've been buying you lately." He tossed back.

"And here I thought you were being generous and thoughtful."

"Nope not me." He chuckled. "Goodnight Erin."

Erin rolled her eyes and laughed. "Goodnight Jay." She hung up the phone, replaced it on her bedside table and settled back into bed a smile still on her face.


	10. Chapter 10

He was laughing at her. She could hear his sick twisted laugh mocking her. Everything was blurry. She was trying to make sense of where she was but it was a jumble of colour blotches. 

"Erin," she knew that voice. "Erin please help me" the women implored her. "Erin please! Please make him stop." 

Erin tried to call out to the voice but no words came. The laughing swirled around her. 

"What's the matter Erin?" His sadistic voice taunted her. "Why won't you help her? She needs you! Save her Erin! Save her!" He laughed louder now. She moved forward despite not knowing where she was going. She had to try and find her. She dragged her feet as she moved to try and keep her balance as the blur moved with her. She opened and shut her eyes squinting to try and make sense of things. She wanted to cover her ears to shut off that damn laughing. She wanted to scream at him to shut up. No words would come. 

Finally things began to focus. She saw the blood first. So much blood. A pool on the dark wood floors flowing towards her. There was so much of it. She followed it back to its source with her eyes. Laying limp, bloodied and beaten was a girl who's face was turned from her. Slowly the head turned towards her. The girl raised her hand out to Erin. "Please Erin. Please help me!" She begged. Her eyes were desperate and filled with so much fear. So much pain. 

"Karen!" Erin's voice returned. She yelled to Karen and ran forward only to be knocked down by some invisible force. Erin scrambled to her feet and lunged forward again. She was kicked down again by a hard blow to the stomach, making it hard to breath. She couldn't see where it came from. 

Shrilled laughter filled the air and his venomous voice returned "what's the matter Erin! Why won't you help her? Why won't you help your friend? Help her Erin! Save her!" He mocked and laughed again. 

Erin got to her feet. She moved more cautiously this time. She took a step then another and another. Out of no where she felt herself being thrown to the ground. 

"Bitch!" He screamed at her. "You can't save her bitch! You can't save anyone!"

"Erin please!" Karen cried and begged. 

"It's ok Karen. It's ok. I'm coming. Don't worry I'm coming" Erin tried to reassure her. Then she smelt it. That horrid smell. He was here. It was him that was laughing at her. That dirty bastard pimp was still here. She would kill him! Kill him for what he did to Karen. Erin jumped to her feet. And tried again to get to her friend. Only to be knocked to the floor again. 

"Where are you, you son of a bitch!" Erin screamed. He laughed again.

"Stupid whore! You think you can stop me? You think you can save her? You? You can't even save yourself!" His laugh shrilled and felt like knives to her ears. 

"Erin! Please!" Her friend begged. Erin crawled across the floor towards Karen. Her body was limp, her bloodied hair covered her face now. Slowly Erin moved across the floor. Finally she reached Karen. She cradled her face and began removing the strands of hair away. 

"I'm here Karen. I'm here it's ok now!" Erin whispered. But as she moved the hair she realized it wasn't Karen who lay limp beside her. "Nadia! Oh God Nadia" Erin cried. Nadia's vacant eyes stared up at her. 

"Why didn't you come? Why didn't you save me?" Nadia asked. 

"Tell her detective Lindsay" a new voice said. "Tell your dear friend why you couldn't save her" black shoes appeared beside Nadia's battered body. Erin's eyes traced them to legs covered in dark blue dress pants, then further up to a crisp white dress shirt until finally she was staring up into the probing eyes of the man she hated with every once of her being... Yates! "Please," he said, his voice condescending, "enlighten us as to why you let your dear sweet friend get abducted and murdered by a psychopathic sexual sadist." 

Erin lunged to her feet and sprung forward to attack Yates but he vanished and she began falling, falling and falling into a deep dark hole. 

 

Erin sat up with a start. Her heart was racing. Her body covered in sweat. She was panting. Tears stained her cheeks. She looked around. The early morning sun peaked through the blinds and illuminated her room. Her room. She was in bed in her room at Hank's house. It was a dream. Another one of the fucking nightmares that plagued her nightly. Erin grabbed her pillow and threw it across the room in a fit of fury. God damn fucking nightmares!!!

~~~~~

Her Thursday morning was off to a crappy start thanks to yet another nightmare. She woke more exhausted than she fell asleep most days which wasn't good considering how busy their week had been. Late last night they'd finally solved the Boyd case and caught the murderer but by the time everything was squared away she crawled into bed well after 2am. She was running behind this morning and it was her turn again to grab coffee. She'd skip it but she didn't want to hear Jay whine or look at his pouty face. This brought a small smile to her face. The man could be such a little boy at times. So here she stood in line waiting to place his coffee order. 

"Can I help the next customer." A barista called. Erin stepped up to the counter. Erin placed her order for Jay's coffee and at the last second decided to order herself a coffee too. Fuck it, she thought, I'm not gonna make it through another day without some caffeine. 

~~~~~

Several hours later Erin was in the break room pouring herself her second coffee of the day and let out a huge yawn. "Still not sleeping well?" Jay commented as he came in the room to fill up his own coffee mug. 

Erin was caught off guard. How did he know she wasn't sleeping? She racked her brain trying to remember if she'd let it slip about the nightmares but came up empty. "Long days this week." She covered. 

"Yeah, it's been a brutal week for sure," Jay said as he filled his cup. "But you've been tired since you got back." His voice was light and he gave her a sympathetic smile. Erin didn't respond she just smiled back. She didn't really want to get into this at work. Jay glanced over her shoulder out the break room door then back at her. "I had a lot of trouble sleeping when I got back from overseas. Use to hav.."

"Jay!" Ruzek interrupted. "Got an urgent call from someone who says they're a CI of yours." Jay nodded at Ruzek and headed to his desk. 

Erin was left standing there completely floored. Did Jay just mention his past in the army? She wanted to kill Ruzek for interrupting Jay. She'd always been so curious about his time with the Rangers, about his past in general. Aside from his confession about his father the other night he'd given her so little. A few isolated stories here and there, mostly about how he and Will would drive their mother crazy with their boyhood antics. A few times he'd share a few details about Afghanistan but only if it was relevant to a case they were working and how he wanted to proceed. 

They'd ended up in Intelligence from two completely separate paths. On paper they couldn't be more different. The clean cut army ranger and the street kid. He was trained to kill she was trained to survive. Yet they understood each other in a way she didn't even know was possible. At times she swore she could read his thoughts and him hers. She topped up her coffee then headed back to her desk pondering, not for the first time, what Jay's life was like before intelligence and what he had dealt with as a Ranger.

As Erin made her way back to her desk Jay motioned to Hank that he had something for the team. Voight came out of his office to stand in the bullpen. "What's up Halstead?" 

"I just got off the phone with one of my ci's, he's got a lead for us on the online trafficking case we've been working." Jay announced. 

"Well, let's hear it." Hank encouraged. Jay proceeded to fill them in on his tip and the team spent the next hour checking facts and coming up with a plan of action. Turns out they were able to locate the club this ring worked out of and Mouse was sure he could bust the whole case wide open if her could get into their computers and install some kind of tracking software, it was all way to technical for Erin. All she knew is this meant they had to break into the club. But they'd hatched a plan that had her and Halstead sneaking Mouse into the back rooms, where they believed the computers were, in the middle of the night, while the rest of the team provided surveillance. It been awhile since Erin felt the rush of nervous adrenaline that came with this job. She was actually looking forward to it. 

They had quite a few hours before then and Hank suggested they finish their prep work then take a few hours to themselves. Erin's phone buzzed with a reminder of a date she wasn't looking forward to keeping. She pondered cancelling but knew she'd have to face him sooner or later. And later meant more probing questions. She pushed herself out of her chair, nodded her goodbyes and headed down the stairs to her car. 

On the way down she passes Antonio. "Hey Lindsay, where you off to? Hot date to squeeze in before tonight?" He teased with a chuckle. 

She laughed, "yeah, sure." She rolled her eyes and he gave her a friendly bump on the shoulder as she continued down the stairs. She didn't see Jay's head snap up at their exchange or the heartbreak and disappointment that flashed across his face before he pushed his chair back and escaped to the break room. 

~~~~~

Ten minutes Erin sat staring at the big wooden door watching people come and go, most likely leaving far happier than they had entered. She hadn't been here since before her trip to New York. She'd avoided it. Avoided the people who were inside. Avoided their concerned stares and supportive shoulder squeezes. Their heartfelt well wishes and gut retching stories of how they'd lost someone on the job too. Molly's use to be a safe haven, the place to come with her coworkers and join fellow first responders to celebrate wins or console each other after losses. But since Nadia's murder it became an unbearable hell of love and support she just couldn't stomach. They wanted to make her feel better. Wanted her to believe it wasn't her fault. They didn't understand that would never happen. 

And since she'd been back she was terrified of the looks. She was sure at least half of them knew she fell down a hole and wondered if she could really handle herself now. She was also terrified of taking a drink. She didn't know if she was ready to. Could she have just one or two? Could she act normal and socialize with these people again? Could she taste the burn of alcohol without wanting to drown out the voices of guilt, the nightmares? 

There was a rapping on her window and Erin jumped. She looked up to see the friendly eyes of Kelley Severide peering in at her. She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door as Kelley stepped back out of the doors way. "Hey stranger" he greeter her and moved in for a friendly hug. "Long time no see!" He smiled a genuine glad to see you smile. Erin did her best to return it. 

"Yeah, you too. How are things?" She asked trying not to let her distraction for her real purpose in being here make Kelley think she wasn't happy to see him. 

"Good, yeah things are good. How about you? You coming in to Molly's?" He asked gesturing for her to walk towards the bar with him. 

"Yeah, I'm good too." She said looking up and down the road for oncoming traffic before stepping off the curb and crossing the street to Molly's. 

"Why don't you let me buy you a drink, we can catch up. Casey's supposed to be here soon and a few of the others." He offered.

"That sounds great, it does but I'm actually meeting someone." She said with an apologetic smile. Kelley opened the door to the bar and stepped back to let Erin enter first. She smiled her thanks. 

"Nah, no worries. I'll catch you next time." He gave her shoulder a quick squeeze. "It's really good to see you Erin." He said sincerely. 

"Yeah, you too Kelley." Again Erin smiled and tried to keep her discomfort for being here from showing. She scanned the room for her date, making eye contact with a few friends and colleagues and nodding her greetings as she searched for him. She finally saw him sitting in a small booth in the far corner of the bar. He had a drink in front of him and was sitting bent forward, pen in hand, reading over something. As if he could sense her stare, he looked up and a bright smile graced his face when he made eye contact with her. He raised his hand and motioned for her to join him. Erin took a slow deep breath and moved forward towards the booth.


	11. Chapter 11

Erin walked through the roll up, arms laden with coffees. Normally he'd be the first to jump up and help her with her load, as much because his mother made sure to raise her boys to be gentlemen as it was because he wanted first dibs on his coffee. But tonight he stayed at the table double checking the equipment they were packing for tonight's operation. 

"Hey, Lindsay!" Antonio moved to greet her and help unload the coffees she's brought everyone, "how was your date." He chuckled. 

Bastard Jay though to himself. "It was fine actually," she responded a bit to cheerfully for his liking. He felt Erin move up beside him and place his coffee next to the equipment he was prepping. He didn't bother looking up but mumbled his thanks and pretended to be super focused on double checking the equipment. She didn't move right away. He could feel her eyes on him, he knew she could tell he was acting out of character but he couldn't lift his eyes to look at her right now. Then Olinsky called her and she moved away. 

He was confused and hurt. He though after their talk the other night and acknowledgment of Voight's sort of blessing that maybe they were moving towards being together again. Sure he knew it would take time. She had a lot to work through, hell he'd been through a bit himself but he never imagined she'd be seeing someone else. And who was this idiot anyway! God help him if it was someone from her past. She didn't need that, didn't need the temptation. She didn't need someone in her life who only wanted to use her. Things were hard enough for her right now without the added drama. He could see the dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She still wasn't eating as well as she use to either. And now she was drinking coffee to help keep her alert after weeks of swearing she didn't want any of that stuff in her system until she knew she was one hundred percent. He hoped to god she wasn't slipping.

"Earth to Halstead!" Jay was pulled from his thoughts. He looked up to see most of the team staring at him. "You done getting intimate with that stuff?" Dawson teased. Jay rolled his eyes and gave a short nod. Jay started methodically packing everything in the backpack they'd carry with them tonight as the team started a last briefing. 

\------

"Date huh?" Jay was leaning his elbow on the window frame and his head on his fist. He was staring out the front window of the car trying to sound as casual as he could. He snuck a look at Erin's face as he spoke. 

"Excuse me?" She asked confused, glancing at him then back at the road. 

"Heard you tell Antonino you were out on a date this evening." He stated flatly. 

"Hey you go anywhere good?" Mouse interjected from the back seat. "Because I'm seeing this new girl tomorrow night and I'm looking for somewhere to take her..." Mouse stopped speaking abruptly as he caught the daggers Jay was sending him. 

"Nah just Molly's," Erin said, a sly smile creeping across her face as she eyed Mouse then Jay. 

"Molly's!! You let some creep talk you into going to Molly's? You said you weren't ready for that yet? What the hell Erin?" This was worse than he thought. He scanned her up and down. Should he be worried she'd had too much to drink? And what the hell, he just suggested they go to Molly's on Monday and she turned him down. Mouse cleared his throat. Ah fuck Jay thought. He's forgotten they weren't alone. He took a deep breath to clear his head. 

Erin shot Jay a nasty look. "He's not a creep!" She said offended. "He's quite sweet actually. Great at listening. A doctor too, specializes in psychiatry. He's a bit older than I like but I'm sure his wife isn't concerned. Although he does ask too many questions for my liking." She smiled sarcastically at him. She was pissed at him for being concerned? But that was his job! He was supposed to look out for her. She'd do the same to him! He turned to look back out the window and her words started to sink in. Doctor, older, questions, listens, psychiatry. His head shot back around, his question clearly showing on his face.

"Yeah" she said flatly answering him. She glanced uncomfortably in the rear view mirror at Mouse. Fuck! He felt like an idiot. She'd met with Dr. Charles. But he was still confused as to why she went to Molly's. He looked at her again and as if she could read his mind the answer came. "He though it was time I got back on the social scene." She said with air quotes and rolled her eyes. She obviously didn't want to say too much given Mouse was with them. 

Oh, that was a good thing then. The doctor was right, it really was time Erin started being around their friends again. She'd been avoiding everyone outside of work far too much. Didn't she know how much they cared about her? How much they'd missed her? They didn't care about the past. Now he really felt like an ass though, calling her out like that, and being totally wrong. 

"Breakfast." Erin stated. Jay was confused. 

He looked over at her, "what does that mean?" 

"You can buy Mouse and I breakfast when we're done here" she said in a self satisfied tone. "You know to apologize for being such an ass." Jay heard Mouse chuckle in the back seat and spun around to stare the idiot down. No way was Mouse gonna bust his balls over this. Mouse immediately sobered and turned to look at something interesting out the window. 

"This is it" Erin interrupted Jay's death glare. Jay popped back around to have a look at their target. Erin drove past and found a place to park a block or so up. They'd make their way back on foot, unseen. The rest of the team had set up surveillance at various strategic point to ensure Jay, Erin and Mouse weren't interrupted during their break in. 

Once parked, they collected their gear and headed back towards the building they were going to break into. Time for fun, thought Jay. He loved this part of the job. Got the heart pumping in a way he hadn't felt since his days as a Ranger. He sobered at the though. Yeah he loved the recon work but no way in hell would he want to go back through the rest of his time overseas. Being a cop isn't all peachy keen either, the voice in his head interjected. His mind quickly jumped to being tied from above in the basement of Keyes house. He shook his head to clear it before that train of thought could distract him from his mission tonight and focused on moving silently through the late night darkness. 

\-----

Erin scanned the room again. It was a small dingy room mostly occupied by the old rickety desk and several tall filing cabinet. She watched Mouse fiddle with a computer on the desk, bouncing while he worked, adrenaline and anxiety pouring from him. Jay stood out in the hall making sure no one showed up and interrupted them. 

Everything seems to be going as planned, they didn't encounter anyone in the building when they broke in. All of the sudden Mouse swore. "What? What's wrong?" Erin asked scanning the room for any signs of threat. 

She heard the rumbling of metal sliding against metal. She turned to look in time to see a solid metal panel side down over the door then the room went completely dark. "What the fuck!" She grabbed for her flashlight and quickly turned it on, scanned the room with gun pointed. "What happened Mouse?" She demanded. He started rambling off tech jargon. "In english Mouse!" Erin shouted impatiently.


	12. Chapter 12

“I triggered a security counter measure and couldn't disable it fast enough. Looks like they built this room as a panic room as well." Erin tried reaching her team through her ear piece then took out her cell phone, no signal. "They must be jamming communications outside this room" Erin moved towards the door and contemplated knocking on it when she heard a faint banging from the other side. She returned the knock. At least she knew Jay was ok. He'd likely be working with the rest of the team to figure the quickest way to get them out. 

"I'm sorry." Erin could hear the shake in Mouse's voice. He'd come so far since she first met the nervous man-child Jay had claimed served with him as a ranger. But Erin put her trust in him, and gave him a chance, because Jay trusted him and she trusted Jay more than anyone, aside from Hank. Over the last few months she watched Mouse settle and find his groove in the team. He was quirky no doubt but smart as a whip. Quick thinker, always a step ahead of them with tracking down the Intel they needed and funny as hell. But there was something more in his eyes. You knew looking at him that this man had lived though something profound. Mouse had earned Erin's respect, and yeah she even liked the guy. 

"We're pinned down. They've got us pinned down. Why didn't I anticipate this? I should have known there would be some kind of lock down on the system." He berated himself. 

"Mouse easy, we wouldn't have come in if we thought the risk was too high. None of us anticipated this. This is not your fault. Jay's outside. I'm sure he's figured out what happened and alerted the team. You think he's gonna just leave us here? I can't find any immediate threat so lets just sit tight." 

Mouse sat at the desk with his head in his hands, knees bouncing under the desk. "He saved my life." Mouse said out of the blue. "Convoy blew up took out half the vehicles. Jay, he didn't leave. We were taking heavy fire. I froze but not Jay, he got us out."

"Sounds like Jay,"she said with a warm smile. "He's good backup." She could see how uncomfortable Mouse was being trapped in this room. She wasn't sure what his deal was but she'd seen first hand some of his anxious ticks. She hoped to hell they got that door open quick because she didn't want Mouse falling apart. 

Mouse looked up. "The best. The things we saw," He shook his head sadly. "The things we had to do," he said with a tinge of regret. "The horrible things people do to each other. You have to see and live with the aftermath of that. They took one of our guys, tortured him in ways you can't even imagine. Held him for ransom. It was game for them. You do what you need to do to save your guy. And somewhere along the line maybe some revenge sneaks in there. Then you gotta live with that, with the choices you made. With the images of those places burned in your mind." Erin’s mind drifted back to her childhood. Visions of her father and the other men in Bunny's life beating Bunny senseless, the pimps that her friends dealt with, the way they were mistreated, Karen's lifeless broken body cradled in her lap. Helping Annie bury Sandavol's body. 

"Mouse, no one can judge you for that. No one has the right to. Most people don't have the courage to do what you did." 

"You know don't you?"Erin was startled and confused by his question. Mouse looked up, his eyes cleared from his painful trip down memory lane. A knowing look on his face. "Jay said you had it tough growing up. He said some of the things you dealt with, not even the toughest soldiers would get through without scars." 

Erin balked at the idea. "Mouse it's not the same. It's not even close to what you had to face." She'd didn't like where Mouse's train of thought was taking her. She didn't want to think about those things anymore. She was fighting so hard to move past all this. 

"Don't be so sure," Mouse said. "Jay, he did some things, we all did, did some things to stay alive. Did some things to rescue our guy. At the time it was survival but afterwards it hit us hard each in our own way. Jay he carried a lot of guilt and a lot of anger. Was a time I didn't think he'd make it home. But I knew if I could get him back here, I knew he'd find his way. I knew he'd remember why he cared so much. I knew he'd see the good in humanity again. Wasn't surprised he became a cop."

"I can't imagine," Erin said softly, digesting all she was learning about Jay and Mouse. 

"Can't you? Seems to me you and Jay are a lot alike." Erin looked at him puzzled. "What you went through with Nadia," Erin's body immediately stiffened in response to her name. Mouse sensed the change and put his hand up in reassurance he wasn't going to try and upset her. "It just reminded me a lot of Jay, the way you dealt with it. People like us, people who see to much and have to live with tough choices, have to live knowing how horrid humanity can really be, We've all been down some kind of hole at one point or another." He smiled sympathetically at her. "What matters is you got out of it." 

There was a loud bang on the metal door. Not allowing Erin a chance to digest or respond to Mouse's words. Mouse's face transformed. He suddenly looked embarrassed as though he'd realized he'd shared to much. "I'm... I'm sorry, didn't mean to get all philosophical on you." He laughed uncomfortably. 

She smiled "it's ok mouse. Don't sweat it." They stared at each other for a moment. She understood he was asking her not to blab what he'd shared. She could do that, he deserved that kind of respect. She nodded, then so did he. 

There continued to be muffled banging on the other side of the door. "They're likely gonna have to cut through it with a blow torch or something." Mouse offered. Erin moved back from the door and hovered near the desk, continually scanning with her flashlight for any threats. Before too long the door began shifting and eventually Jay and Atwater busted their way into the room. 

"You okay?" They both asked in unison.

"Yeah we're fine" Erin answered. 

"Alright we gotta role. Mouse, Voight said just grab the damn computer and bring it with us if you need to, they know we're here now" they packed up and headed out. Erin prayed they wouldn't run into any resistance on the way, as tough as she now believed he was, she wasn't sure Mouse's nerves could handle it tonight.


	13. Chapter 13

She was sadly wrong about making a clean get away. The break in probably triggered an off site alarm because they were met with gun fire as they tried to exit the building. It had been hairy for a minute but they'd managed to get everyone out in one piece and catch the crew shooting at them. With a little classic Voight convincing in the cage, they were able to obtain information on the location of the other players in the online scam from one of the gun men. By 4am Erin was finally home, showered and unable to sleep. 

Mouse's words kept circling around in her head. She'd always wondered what scars Jay carried. What had he been through? She couldn't imagine her Jay falling in a black hole. Her mind flipped to Keyes. The guilt welled up in her like it hadn't in weeks. Voight had said it was her fault he's been taken. She'd seen the footage of what they did to him. How had he handled that? How had he moved past that? Her head jerked as if she'd been slapped. She'd been so busy wallowing in her own self pity she hadn't reached out to him. He'd put so much energy into helping her, being there, listening to her. And she'd done nothing to help him. She remembered yelling at him the other night, calling him a hypocrite for not sharing his past. She was disgusted with herself. How could she have said that to him? She jumped off the bed and threw some clothes on. She didn't think it through, didn't stop to consider the time or how he'd react to her showing up in his doorstep out of the blue, she just knew she needed to go to him and try and make it right. 

\------

He couldn't sleep. No surprise. It was always like this after the adrenaline high. So he sat flipping through tv channels. It was amazing how much garbage was on tv this time of night, or rather morning, he mused. He'd had a good scare there for a minute when that panic door came crashing down between him and two of the three people he cared most about. He calmed a bit when he heard them bang back that they were ok but he'd worried Mouse would get antsy in the small confined space and Erin wouldn't know how to calm him. He knew Mouse could handle himself in most situations but small spaces were a trigger for him. He'd been wrong of course. That girl could cope in just about any environment and she had amazing people skills. He reminded himself, of all people, Mouse would be safest with Erin. Still he breathed a cleansing breath knowing they were both tucked in their own beds now. Yeah but you wish she was here in your bed, a voice taunted him in his head. He didn't have the energy to deny it tonight. He did wish she was here. 

As if on cue there was a knock at the door. Who the hell is that, Jay thought. He muted the tv and got up to answer it. He opened the door surprised to find his petite partner standing there in sweats and a hoody, hair still wet from the shower. 

"Erin," He said surprised, automatically scanning the hall behind her for some kind of threat that would have drove her here at this hour. "What are you doing here?" He asked as he moved aside to let her in. "Is everything ok?"

"No, no it's not ok." She replied urgently. The skin on the back of his neck prickled. He scanned her body looking for some sign of trauma, took note of her clear eyes and flushed skin, deciding she was clean and sober. He wondered if he should go grab his gun, but Erin wasn't armed. 

She stood staring at him. Shifting from one foot to the other uncomfortably. "I came to tell you something." He lifted an eyebrow. Not that he minded seeing her but he was curious what had her racing over at four in the morning after the day they'd had. 

"What is it Erin? What's going on?" He asked gently, approaching her. 

She looked up into his eyes. Really looked at him. He got lost for a moment in the green and gold flecks of colour. God she had the most hypnotic eyes. He felt like she was staring right into him. It was unnerving actually, how much of him she could see. 

"I'm sorry," she said reaching out to touch his fingers. "I'm sorry I haven't been the kind of friend to you that you are to me. You're always there, always checking in to see how I'm doing. No matter how many walls I put up you don't let it stop you. And I, I took you at your word that you were okay. I let you get away with brushing me off whenever I knew something was bothering you. I let you go off and deal with things on your own, time and again. I though I was being respectful of your space but I know, as much as a pain in the ass as you are for pestering, that I always feel better when you chase me down and drag things out of me. So I guess that's why I'm here. To return the favour." 

It took a moment for her words to fully sink in. She was here because she though he needed her? Oh you need her, the voice in his head answered sarcastically, but not exactly the way she's offering. He shook the though away. He had too much respect for Erin to use her to chase his demons away. If they were going to be together again it would be because it was what she wanted too. 

"I know I don't really deserve to have you in my life," she began again. "Especially after all I've put you through these last few months." Jay stepped closer and place a hand on her hip and one under her chin. She was so wrong. Why couldn't she see that? Why did she continue to beat herself up? How did he get through to her?

"Erin, I told you there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I want you in my life. I need you in my life," his voice was horse and quiet even to his own ears. She didn't look away, didn't pull away from his touch. She just stared up into his eyes. The same look she had on her face the first night they'd spent together. 

Slowly, caught in the spell of her gaze, Jay closed the distance between them. He bent his head, looked at her lips then back in her eyes. She blinked once but didn't back a way. His lips came to rest gently against hers. Still she didn't move. After a moment his eyes closed. He felt her hand come to rest on his chest and the other at the back of his neck. She shifted up into her too toes then deepened the kiss. Maybe she wanted this as much as he did. 

Slowly his hands roamed over her torso, one moving to cup her head. She moaned softly into his mouth and his gut tightened. He broke the kiss and looked at her, waiting for the haze of lust to clear from her eyes. He needed to be sure. 100% sure. He'd promised himself long ago that he would always make her take the lead in their relationship. He'd never push her somewhere she didn't want to go. He never wanted her to wake up the next morning regretting being with him. Above all else, he wanted to show her that she deserves that respect. 

She nodded slightly giving him his answer. He smiled and traced his finger down her cheek. "Apology accepted," he whispered against her lips. She retuned the smile and returned to kissing him. 

\--------

Erin didn't know how long they lay in peaceful silence facing each other, legs intertwined absentmindedly running their hands over each other. She listened as their combined breathing returned to normal. Felt his heart slowing against her cheek. 

"I missed you."His confession surprised her. She felt the sorrow rise up and tears fill her eyes. Her breath caught. What could she say to that. She knew she'd caused him pain and she felt horribly guilty for it. She snuggled closer, buried her face in his neck, trying to gain her composure. 

"Jay, I. I'm sorry."

"Erin no. I told you time and again, you don't owe me an apology. I was joking before when I said apology accepted. You are here for me Erin. Have been so many times. It's just. That stuff. It's better left in the past." Jay paused and let out a long sigh. She felt like he was weighing something.. "I've been there." He said. Erin stilled. Silence filled the room. "I've been where you were. Where you are."He continued. "Loosing someone you feel responsible for. Watching someone under your protection die and being helpless to stop it." He stopped, took a long slow breath. "I understand the guilt. I understand needing to do anything to get away from it." It was silent again for some time. 

"How," her voice was horse and she paused to clear her throat. "Tell me how I get past it." He didn't answer right away. Taking time to sort his thoughts out. 

"I don't know. Time I guess. I wish I had some magic answer for you." He pauses again. "But being with you helps. I feel lighter when you're around. Sleep better next to you."His nose brushed her hair and she felt his lips on her temple. Erin brought her hand up and ran it through the hair at the back of his head. She kissed the nape of his neck. They didn't do this. They didn't talk about feelings. But she couldn't leave his words hanging in the air. 

"I missed you too"she whispered her confession softly. His arm tightened around her waste pulling her even closer. "I just couldn't...."

"I know" he soothed. "It's ok. We're here now. That's all that matters." 

"I don't want to fall back again" she confessed through quiet tears. For once Erin didn't fight it. She was exposed, vulnerable here with him in the dark. He stroked her hair and back.

"Then don't let go."His breath caressed her ear. She smiled softly. She felt safe here. Cherished. Valued. Jay wouldn't use her venerability against her like so many had in the past. They were new feelings for her. But they felt good. She was scared. Putting her trust so fully in someone else could be catastrophic. But she already trusted him in so many ways. Trusted him with her life, her secrets. 

Could she do it? She wasn't sure. But she knew in this moment she felt more ease than she had in months. His embrace was a balm. It soothed the hurt and eased the guilt. Better than the drugs and alcohol did, a voice in her head interjected sarcastically. 

She suddenly felt stupid for pushing him away. And then it hit her, his words, what he had shared. He'd just given her a piece of himself. He'd offered her a glimpse into his life, his struggle. How many times had she wished for that over the last two years? For him to trust her with his pain? Her heart ached for him. For what he must have gone through. And it struck her, Mouse's words, how two people with such different histories could have so much in common. She promised herself she would do better at being there for him. 

A thousand questions spun in her head. She wanted to know more about what he shared. But she knew him, knew if she pushed he'd close back up. Just like she did when she was pushed. Knew if she made a fuss over him he'd pull away, brush it off. She laughed to herself. God they really were so much alike in some ways. Maybe with time he would share more. Maybe now that she let him know she intended to be there for him he wouldn't push back so hard. But this, tonight, it felt like the first real step forward for her, for them. Maybe there was something to this, she mused as they both stilled and drifted to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

She was beat. The hot spray of the shower soothed her sore muscles. But it was done. She had moved back into her own place. She felt good about it. Especially since the turn in her relationship with Jay Friday morning. That hadn't been her intention when she'd rushed to his place in an exhausted state, desperate to let him know she was sorry for not being there for him. But she couldn't say she was unhappy about how things had turned out. As much as she wanted to do this on her own, as embarrassed as she was of the mess she made, she couldn't deny things hurt less when Jay was by her side. She just hoped she didn't screw things up. 

Jay had insisted on helping her settle back in, even before he realized that meant helping her shop for some new furniture. But he didn't complain about helping her carry her new couch up three flights of stairs. And they'd certainly had fun christening it. 

They'd had a heck of a week and her body was letting her know she was done. She'd like nothing more than to convince Jay to crawl back into bed with her and spend the rest of their Saturday there but it was Mouse's birthday and she'd promised Jay she'd join everyone at Molly's tonight. She was a bit nervous but Jay had given her one of those 'I got your back' looks and she figured it was now or never. 

"Hey, you can't hide in there forever!" Jay called from the bathroom doorway. 

"I'm not hiding," well not entirely she thought. "Be out in a minute." 

He was sitting on the bed when she came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped in her hair, another around her body. She smiled. She'd missed having him here. She missed the casual interaction. Erin walked directly over to him and stood between his legs. Holding her towel with one hand, she placed the other on his cheek. She enjoyed the feel of his scruff under her fingers. She traced her thumb across his lips all while he stared in her eyes. His hands found their way to the exposed skin of her thighs and caressed her gently. "You ok?" He asked softly. 

"Yeah, just tired. It's been a long week." She offered honestly.

Jay let out a long breath and nodded. "It has. We won't stay long but I think it would do you good to be around everyone. They miss you. They care about you. I'll be there if you need anything." He said his hands absently stroking up and down the smooth skin on her legs. His touch was soothing.

"I know. Thank you." She smiled. "Actually, I'm kinda looking forward to it. I wasn't but I miss the laughter. I miss watching the lot of you make goofs of yourself." She laughed and Jay did too. He stood and kissed her forehead. 

"Then hurry up and get dressed. I'm staving and I want you to buy me dinner first." He said with a wink, leaving the room to give her space to finish getting ready. Erin rolled her eyes and laughed then quickly dressed. She was starving too. 

Dinner had been really good. Jay surprised her and took her to the Purple Pig, said they needed to celebrate properly like they had originally planned earlier in the week. While they were waiting for their dinner to come he'd reached across the table and held her hand. His eyes dared her to pull away, which was her first instinct, but then she remembered they didn't have to hide being together. He rubbed small circles into her hand with his thumb while they talked. Erin would catch herself glancing around the room checking to see if anyone was watching from time to time.

"Embarrassed to be seen with me?" He tried to sound casual but she heard the hurt in his voice. His directness caught her off guard but she wasn't trying to hurt him. 

"No of course not," she squeezed his fingers tighter. "I just, I have to keep reminding myself Hank's not gonna walk in and fire us both. I just need a minute to adjust." She said by way of apology. 

He smiled at her. "But you want to do this?" He said raising their joined hands to indicate he meant them being together. 

"Yeah, yes. I do Jay. I want to be here with you. Like this." She understood his insecurity. She'd sent him enough mixed signals with the whole sneaking around behind Hank's back. And pushing him away after Nadia's murder. He didn't deserve that. She still couldn't believe he wanted to be with her. 

"Good." Jay smiled and raised her hand to his lips for a quick kiss just as their waiter arrived with their food. 

After dinner they drove to Molly's and Jay grabbed her hand as they walked up to the bar only letting go to open the door for her. "Ready?" he asked a reassuring smile on his face. 

"Ready," she replied. 

The cheerful buzz of Molly's hit her as they walked in the door. Scanning the room Erin guessed she knew about eighty percent of the bars patrons. She had to hand it to Hermann, Gabby and Otis. They'd turned this place into a safe haven for emergency responders. The place was packed and everyone seemed to be in the mood to celebrate the weekend. 

She took a deep breath. She decided to take Dr. Charles advice. She wasn't going to let the guilt of living eat her up tonight. It was Mouse's birthday and that was reason enough to put things aside and enjoy a few moments with the people she loved the most. They didn't deserve her misery.

Off to the left they saw Mouse surrounded by most of the Unit. Jay placed his hand at Erin's back as they maneuvered their way through the crowd to their friends. 

"Hey! You finally made it!" Mouse said loudly over the crowd. He greeted both Jay and Erin with a hug. It was clear Mouse had been enjoying himself for awhile now and Erin laughed as he exchanged jabs with Jay. A waitress brought them both a beer and they settled in at the table with their friends. 

///

 

Erin absentmindedly picked at the label on her undrunk beer bottle while she watched everyone banter around her. She smiled at their jokes but the easy laughter she used to let fly here wasn't present tonight. Jay understood her unease more than he cared to admit. It had been hard reassimilating into his family and peer group when he came home from Afghanistan, and again after the Keyes incident he'd had a few weeks where he had to fight the urge to be a hermit hold up in his apartment with a case of beer. Focusing on Erin's recovery was a good distraction from his own demons. 

He wished he could take the haunted look from her eyes permanently. Every once and awhile he'd catch glimpses of the old Erin but he knew Nadia's death had changed her and that she still had no closure. 

He stretched his arm across the back of her chair and rubbed small circles on her shoulder with his thumb. She turned to look at him. She was so uncomfortable with public displays of affection. He'd been a bit hurt earlier at the restaurant when she kept checking to see who was watching them but he knew she was right about needing time to adjust. Heck he'd be lying if he said he wasn't still a bit nervous of Voight going back on his free pass. Surprisingly Erin smiled at him and shifted slightly closer in her chair. His heart flipped, internally he rolled his eyes at himself. It was kind of pathetic really how little Erin needed to do to have him acting like a love sick fool. He leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Beers probably warm by now, you want me to grab you something else?" 

She bit her lip in contemplation for a moment. "Yeah actually a glass of water would be great." Her smile faltered slightly, embarrassed. He didn't like the idea of her being embarrassed about not drinking. If she didn't want to drink so be it. No one cared. Hell they were all so wrapped up in their own stories they likely didn't notice. 

Jay leaded in even more and placed a kiss on her temple. "K, be right back" he winked at her and she laughed making him smile even bigger. He slid off the stool and walked over to the bar. He missed the knowing looks and smirks that were passed around the table at his show of affection with Erin. He also missed the twenty dollar bill Atwater begrudgingly gave up to Dawson claiming something about an unfair bet under his breath. 

"Hey Jay, what can I get ya?" Asked Hermann from behind the bar. 

"Two glasses of ice water please" Jay responded, if Erin wasn't going to drink he'd join her so she didn't feel left out. 

Hermann made a funny face but started scooping ice into glasses. "You get roped into driving that crew tonight or what" he asked lifting his chin in the direction of Jay's friends.

Jay smiled, "yeah, something like that". Hermann moved away to fill the glasses with water and Jay leaned against the bar and casually looked around the room. He nodded his head at his brother and his group of co-workers when they caught each other's eye. Jay watched Will get up from his stool and headed in Jay’s direction when a hand landed gently on the exposed skin of Jays forearm. 

Jay turned to see who was trying to get his attention. A tall beautiful blond woman dressed in a very tight, very short black dress was starring at him, pressing into his side. She leaned in close. "Hi handsome I'm Katie, can I buy you a beer?"


	15. Chapter 15

Jay had to work hard to suppress his laughter. Her pick up seemed so cheesy to him. He dropped his arm from her reach and put some space between them. 

"Sorry not drinking tonight," he replied as kindly as possible. She pouted and tried to press herself up against him again. 

"Well maybe you'd like to get out of here then?" She said batting her eyes. 

Jays eyes went wide at how direct she was behaving. "Umm no sorry," he said awkwardly. He tipped his head in the direction of Erin "came in with my girl and intend on leaving with my girl. Intend on leaving with her every night if I have any say in it. But thanks" he offered her a smile to ease the rejection.

"Here you go Jay," Hermann places the two glasses of ice water on the bar top. 

Thank god, Jay thought. He said his thanks and quickly made his way towards the table, bumping into Will on the way. "Hey! How you doing?" Will said clasping him on the shoulder and changing directions to follow Jay to his table. 

"Good man! Gonna join us for a bit?" Jay offered. 

"Of course!" Will replied. "You didn't invite that tall drink by the bar to join us?" Will teased Jay. 

Jay rolled his eyes then gave his brother a pointed look, "don't start shit." He ordered. 

"Yes sir," Will mocked and have Jay a fake half salute while laughing. 

Jay placed Erin's water in front of her and settled back into his seat. She leaned over to speak to him so no one else could hear, "thanks, make yourself a new friend?" She asked. Her face held a serious expression. Of course she saw me get hit on, though Jay. Cant catch a break! 

"No, no" he stammered. "No friend of mine" he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. Erin raised an eyebrow in question. Jay leaned to whisper in her ear "told her you were the only one I was interested in leaving with," he said and gave her his best killer smile and wink, hoping to distract her. 

Erin's cheeks flushed and he didn't recognize the look in her eyes before she ducked her head and smiled. Shy? Was Erin acting shy? This he'd never seen before. Erin was not shy. It brought another smile to his face. He nudged her arm to get her to look up at him so he could tease her and see how crimson he could get her cheeks when he heard Will call out, "Shots for the birthday boy on me!" The table erupted in cheers. A waitress brought a tray of shots and they were passed around to everyone. 

/

She raised the shot glass to her lips. The smell of alcohol filled her nose, reminding her of the weeks she'd spend lost in a haze trying to forget. All of the sudden the noise in the room became too loud, the faces of the people around her too sharp. She felt her heart rate jump up and a sense of panic overtook her. She quickly put the glass down and closed her eyes. No! she demanded. Not tonight. Not here in front of everyone. She willed the panic attack to go away. It had been weeks since she's been struck with anxiety this strong. She suddenly felt Jays warm hand at her back, stroking her slowly.

"Easy," he whispered into her ear. "I've got you." She forced air in and out of her lungs as slowly as possible. The panic started to subside as she focused on the warmth of his touch and she risked a quick peak to see how many people were staring at her. To her relief everyone was too caught up in their banter and too many rounds in to have noticed her acting strange. The untouched shot glass that she'd placed in front of her was gone. She looked around further and noticed two empty shot glasses in front of Will. She looked up at him and he gave her a sly smile. She nodded her thanks and he winked at her. She couldn't help but smile. Damn those Halstead men were charmers through and through. 

She looked over at Jay and smiled to reassure him she was okay now. He dropped a kiss on her head and turned his attention back to their friends. His hand slid off her back and he laced his fingers with hers under the table, resting their joined hands on his leg. The kissing and touching was odd for her but she's be lying if she said she didn't like his attention, especially when it was clear he could have any girl in here. Any girl with far less baggage, she chided herself. She looked back at everyone. They were all laughing and joking. 

O and Dawson were teasing the shit out of Ruzek, telling Will how Ruzek has landed himself in a dumpster last week. Mouse was fast talking his way though a story of how they'd caught a perp thanks to his 'ingenious' tech skills while Brett and Mouch strained to keep up with his tech lingo and Platt just rolled her eyes at him. Atwater was trying to convince Ottis why his latest social meet idea would be great business for Molly's, while Burges made side remarks to Roman about how cheap Atwater was. And off in a corner sat Hank laughing over a Manhattan with Chief Boden. She was glad he'd finally smoothed things over with 51 enough to join the team here. 

The team. Her family. She looked around again fondly at the people who made up her family. They were a misfit crew for sure. They had all welcomed her back, without question. She felt overwhelmed by their acceptance yet a melancholy smile spread across her face. One member of that family was absent and would never join them again. She'd never be apart of a night like this. Erin's eyes begin to well up. 

She felt eyes on her just then and blinked away the tears that were starting to form. She looked up to see Dr. Charles looking at her from across the room. His words from Thursday echoed in her head. "You can't bring her back. But you can honour her by living a full, and yes, a happy life." He smiled and raised his glass to her. She smiled and raised her glass of water in return. For you Nadia. For you I'll try.


	16. Chapter 16

She sat up fast, panting, heart racing. Almost four months had passed since Nadia's murder and she was still having nightmares. Her eyes tried to adjust to the darkness of the room. She felt movement beside her and froze. But then his warm hand touched her bare back and she let out a shuttered breath. Jay. He was here, beside her. Not tied up in Keyes basement being tortured because she was too selfish to be his back up. 

"You ok?"he asked softly continuing to rub her back. 

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." She took another shuttered breath. 

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah, it's nothing." She didn't want to think about it anymore. She just wanted the nightmares to stop. 

He rubbed soft circles on her back and shifted his weight closer to her. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "I use to have a lot of those. Still have them from time to time. It's brutal. Some nights I just sit on the couch watching tv because I know if I go to bed the images are going to come."

"I can't make them stop. I just need them to stop." The frustration was clear in her voice. 

"I know." 

They shifted so she was resting her head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her. His body was warm in contrast to the chill she felt. His arms gave her a sense of protection she'd never felt before. She'd been allowing herself to give into that feeling these last couple weeks with Jay. She leaned her weight into him and tried to slow her heart.

Not for the first time, Erin's mind shifted back to her conversation with Mouse about Afghanistan last month when they were locked in that dark office. Lately her dreams were about Jay as often as Karen and Nadia. They'd spent a few nights a week together since she moved back into her apartment. Work had been brutal and very busy. Seemed like the nicer weather was bringing out all the crazies and they didn't have much down time. 

She'd missed hanging out with him. She'd missed his touch, the heat of his body, waking up to the smell of fresh coffee because he always rose before her. It was good to be back in their grove. The awkward silences had vanished and they bantered easily again. She still wasn't getting much sleep but the nights she spent with Jay were usually more peaceful. She was actually surprised she'd had a nightmare tonight with him here. 

Her hand drifted to the scar on his left shoulder from where she knew he'd been shot before coming to Intelligence. She traced the surface with her finger before gliding her hand down to his ribs where she felt the scar from where Keyes' men had tortured him. Back and forth along its surface her fingers softly stroked the spot. The images from the video Keyes sent them playing behind her eyelids. 

"What was your dream about." He asked softly, pulling her from the horrid images. 

"Tonight? You."

"You have nightmares about me?" He asked, surprised. 

"Yeah. Mostly about other things, things that happened a long time ago, Nadia," her voice broke on Nadia's name, "but tonight it was about you. About Keyes. About not being there for you." Erin's mind drifted to the images in her dreams and she shuttered. Jay pulled the covers up around her. 

"But you were there and I'm here now." He kissed the top of her head reassuringly. 

"Yeah." They sat in silence a while longer, lost in their thoughts about that day. Erin's hand drifted to a scar above Jays hip. One of the ones she didn't know the origin of but she could map them all out in the dark she knew his body so well. "Where'd this one come from?" She asked. 

Jays body stiffened but he answered, "Afghanistan. Shrapnel from an ambush." He didn't offer more. Erin decided this wasn't the time to push. 

"I'm sorry you went through all that." She said softly, not really knowing what the right thing to say was. "What you saw, what you had to do. You’re an amazing man. I'm sorry you got stuck with me."

"Don't. I chose to go. No one forced me. I was an adult. I signed up all on my own. You Erin, you were a child. They should have protected and loved you. You never should have gone through what you did. And I don't feel stuck with you! I'm glad you’re my partner.”

They sat in silence for a long time, Jay slowly caressing her back, Erin slowly tracing her fingers over his chest. She felt everything well up. She didn't know what had bewitched her but tonight, here in the darkness she needed to say the words. She needed to put voice to her fear, her guilt. When she spoke her voice was barely a whisper but in the quiet darkness he heard every word every ounce of pain. 

"It's my fault. Karen's death, Nadia's murder. You getting tortured."

"Erin how is what happened with Keyes your fault?” His voice was soft too, filled with concern and something she didn't want to put a label on. He squeezed her tighter. 

"Hank said it was. He said if I was there they wouldn't have been able to take you." She confessed. 

"That's not true." He let out a frustrated sigh. "its not true Erin. I'm sorry, I know he's a father to you and you love and respect him but that wasn't fair of him to say that. Whether you were there or not it would have gone down that way. I had to go alone and they made me as a cop before I even walked in the hanger. They set us up. You want the truth? The truth is I'd be dead if you hadn't shown up right when you did. You came back at the right moment. What happened with Keyes was not your fault. What happened with Nadia was not your fault. What happened with Karen was not your fault. You need to believe that Erin. You need to let that part go." His voice had risen at the end, desperate to absolve her of the guilt she carried. 

"Have you? Have you let go of the things that haunt you?" She asked gently. She honestly wanted to know. 

He was silent again for a long time. When he spoke his voice was distant. "No. I still see Ben Corson’s body. I still see the faces of the men we lost. They still haunt my dreams. I still think there's more I could have done, things I could have done differently." He confessed. 

She shifted to touch his face. "But there's not. You did what you thought was best in the moment."

"Yeah, I guess so. And so did you." Erin didn't know what to do with that. He'd turned her words around on her. Jay chuckled softly. What could possibly be so funny, Erin thought. She lifted her head and looked at him through the darkness, confused at the sudden change in mood. 

"We're quiet the pair you and I." She couldn't help but smile. He was right. They were quiet the pair alright. Pair. She'd never admit out loud how good that sounded to her. 

"Come on," he said shifting their bodies, "let's try and get some sleep." She was once again relieved Jay knew just when to back off. They got comfortable, Erin resting her head on Jay's chest while he stroked her back. The rhythmic caresses eventually soothed her to sleep. 

An hour later her phone rang. Erin begrudgingly rolled out of Jay's embrace to see who was calling. Although at four thirty in the morning she had a pretty good hunch. HANK VOIGHT displayed on her screen. 

"Yeah" she answered sleepily.   
"I need to speak with you as soon   
as possible. Meet me at the district and don't turn on the news."

Erin tried to clear the fog from her head, "what's going on?" She asked but Hank had already disconnected the call. 

"Voight?" Jay's sleep filled voice asked. 

"Yeah he wants me to meet him at the district. Told me not to turn on the news." That last part had her arms breaking out in goose bumps. It was a strange request. 

"Huh, just you?" Jay asked still not fully awake. 

"Yeah, just me." She replied, distracted by what Voight's strange request could mean. 

"K, I'll catch up with you in a couple hours then" he said, patting her leg and rolling over to fall back asleep. Erin would have been jealous of him if Hank's instructions hadn't been preoccupying her. She got herself up and dressed for the day. Once in her car she sat for a moment contemplating Hank's request not to turn on the news. Usually being told not to do something was a sure fire way of getting Erin to do it. But she had a bad feeling she didn't want to know what Hank was about to tell her so for once she listened to his instructions, started the car and drove to the district in silence.


	17. Chapter 17

The light hurt her eyes as she tried to open them. Everything was out of focus. She turned her head away from the blinding beam and felt a sharp pain travel up her neck and through the back of her head. She instinctively brought her hand to the back of her head. It was damp. She brought it back around to examine it and as her vision focused she saw the blood on her fingers where she'd touched her head. What the hell? 

Erin struggled to recall where she was and what had happened. When she had arrived at the district Hank had made her come sit in his office even though no one was around. He'd approached her slowly and with soft words, tipping her off that something really bad had happened. 

They'd gotten word that Yates had escaped prison in New York. Erin had flipped, no doubt Hank had anticipated this, which is why he got her alone and in the confines of his office. Then she begged Hank to let her go help find him. He had been reluctant at first but then had mumbled something about closure and agreed under the condition that Dawson accompanied her. She'd been surprised he hadn't suggested Jay but on the flight to New York Dawson confessed Hank had though Jay wouldn't be objective enough and would help Erin go off on some reckless crusade to take Yates out. 

This had pissed her off. Hank was notorious for administering his own brand of justice and if anyone deserved to rot in hell over sitting in a jail cell it was surely Yates. 

Within hours of meeting up with SVU they'd discovered Yates was making his way back to Chicago. Dawson and Erin rented a car and started following his tracks back across the country. The whole thing gave her a sickening sense of déjà vu. 

Last thing she recalled was they'd stopped at a gas station about 50 miles outside of Chicago to refill. She'd gone to use the rest room while Dawson went inside to pay and grab snacks. They were antsy, they were only a step behind him they knew, but they couldn't seem to catch up. As she stepped out of the restroom she remembered feeling something hard hit the back of her head and now she was here. Where was here anyway? Erin tried to prop herself up and examine her surroundings. 

She seemed to be in some kind of basement. The floors and walls were cold concrete, exposed rafters lined the ceiling. A small window was exposed high on the far wall. A large old table was placed in the centre of the room directly under the oil lamp light. The table had some kind of straps attached to it and a few stacked wooden crates next to it, like a makeshift table, had various sharp objects on it. 

Erin's stomach rolled. This wasn't good. This wasn't good at all. She continued her scan of the room. There were large work tables lining two of the walls with all kinds of tools and what looked like parts from an engine. Her eyes were drawn back to the table closest the window were she spied her gun, badge and utility belt. Whoever held her was either extremely stupid or extremely cocky. She wasn't bound and lay twenty feet from her gun and a viable exit. 

Erin needed to get out of there. She tried to stand but her head spun and she stumbled back to a seated position. She heard the door rattle like a lock and chain were being opened. She tried again to stand and at least get something to defend herself but she stumbled and felt herself quickly yanked back by the hair. 

"Detective Lindsay, surely you're not leaving so soon. We haven't had a chance to talk yet" 

Yates. She'd know that voice anywhere. She pushed down the fear that threatened to over take her and focused on the red rage that coursed through her veins. No way was he going to survive this exchange. 

She twisted to free herself when every muscle in her body tightened causing excruciating pain. She'd felt like this once before and instantly recalled that stupid taser training session intelligence had been forced to take. Her body dropped to the ground, out of her control, muscles pulsing and contracting of their own will, vision blurred from the involuntary tears that formed in reaction to the pain. She tried to focus on breathing. 

His shoes appeared in front of her eyes. For a moment she was caught somewhere between her nightmares and reality. Just breathe Erin. 

He hunched over her. "Take slow breaths detective. The contractions will stop momentarily, and then we'll begin. I've been waiting for this day. Patiently planning every detail." He reached out and gently pushed the hair off her face. Erin tried to move from his reach but her body still wouldn't cooperate. 

"Go to hell you sick son of a bitch," she bit out between clenched teeth. 

He slapped her hard. "That's no way for a lady to talk." He continued to stroke her hair. "Do you remember our first meeting detective? I knew then you were exactly the reason I'd come to Chicago. But I had to teach you some manners before we could play. You thought you were so smart. So much better than me. Tried to play your silly detective games on me. I had to take that fire out of your eyes. Had to knock you down where you belonged. And as soon as I saw Nadia I knew just how to break you. Nadiaaaa" he said it slowly letting the word sound like a sweet memory, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly. "I hadn't anticipated just how far you could drop though. Seems my relationship with Nadia had quiet the effect on you. Seems you lost your faith in justice, turned in your badge. I'm glad your back though. It will make our time together all the more special." 

Erin was bombarded with an array of emotion. She was confused, how did he know about her fall down the rabbit hole? She was sickened by the thought of him putting his hands on her, but mostly she was enraged that he dare utter Nadia's name. She pushed herself up and tried to lunge at him but she still had no strength and he struck her down. He stood over her and kicked her in the stomach repeatedly. He dragged her by the hair until she was pushed up against the table and twisted her arm behind her. Pain shot through her arm and shoulder. 

He grabbed a scalpel from the make shift table and held it at the opening of her shirt just below her collar bone. She twisted and turned but he pulled her arm up and back harder and pressed the blade of the knife into her flesh. She felt the hot sting of her skin slicing under the blades pressure. "Your feisty detective. Nadia was too. She fought almost until the end. Kept promising that I'd have the wrath of Sargent Hank Voight to contend with. Seems she was wrong. And in the end she did like all the others. Begged me to stop. Pleaded with me to end their pain and suffering. I can't wait for you to do the same." 

"Only in your dreams Yates," she spat at him. Again Erin squirmed and struggled but he brought his knee up hard and sharp into her abdomen causing her to buckle forward into him. He brought his arm around her back and stroked her hair. "There there detective, just breathe. Why don't we get you up on the table where you'll be more comfortable." Erin felt the bile rise in her throat. His touch was sickening. 

Then she heard it. The distinctive noise of a door being kicked in somewhere above her. Yates heard it too and dropped her abruptly, cursing. He reached up and grabbed the oil lamp smashing on the ground between himself and Erin. He turned and ran towards the window near the back of the room. Erin shielded her face from the burst of flame then struggled to her feet. No way was this bastard getting away again. He broke the glass and scrambled out the window while Erin watched through the dancing angry fire.


	18. Chapter 18

Erin held her breath and jumped around the fire. She diverted from her path to grab the gun she had noticed earlier and the flashlight from her utility belt. She took a deep breath and pulled herself up through the window, desperately trying to block out the pain. 

Everything was dark. Pitch black in fact. Erin stood and listened for a moment. She heard a fast sloshing noise heading to her left. She turned in the direction of the sound and turned on the flashlight. Tall trees surrounded her and fresh rain fell. Rain! Mud! She exclaimed, relieved she was catching a break. She scanned the ground with her light and picked up the tracks of Yates fresh foot prints on the muddy ground. Erin sucked in a breath and stumbles forward following them. 

There was no though to wait for back up. No thought to the pain that ripped through her side or pounding in her head. All she could see were the faces and names of every woman Yates had every hurt. She saw the endless piles of bones they'd dug up from the beach. She saw Nadia's poor body laying cold and broken wrapped crudely in a tarp, her eyes vacant and black like in Erin's nightmares. She saw the pimp that beat Karen to death. She saw the men who she watched beat her mother. She saw every woman, every child that she'd ever seen hurt at the hands of monsters like Yates as she pushed forward scanning the trees for him. 

Then she saw him. His quick movement to her left. She raised her gun and fired. Yates spun clutching his shoulder, she guesses she just grazed his arm. "Chicago PD get on your knees" Erin yelled. 

He laughed bitterly. "Come now Detective Lindsay, you don't think I'm going to make it that easy on you do you?" He mocked and started to move away. 

Erin took aim and fired again. This time hitting his leg just above the knee causing him to fall to to the ground and scream out his pain. The sound gave Erin an unexpected rush of adrenaline. "I said on your knees!" She called out as she stalked towards him holding her gun trained on his head. He looked up at her and smiled. She didn't hear the rush of feet behind her or see her team moving in around her. She didn't hear Hank calling to her to stand down, that they had it now. And for the first time since they'd been partnered, she was unaware of Jay’s presence over her left shoulder, gun trained on Yates. 

"Does it feel good detective? Does it feel good to have me on my knees." She twisted her hand, drew it back and hit him across the face with the butt of her gun. He fell to the side. "Shut up!" She bit out between clenched teeth. "Shut the fuck up. I'm tired of hearing you talk. It's my turn now." 

Yates struggled back to his knees "by all means the floor is yours detective." He bowed his head in mock respect. 

"You think this is funny? Its all a game to you. Taking and torturing those poor girls. It's all a calculated sick game to you. You've had it easy. You’re so interested in sharing facts with me. Let me share some with you. There are countries in this world where punishment more effectively suits the crime. I'm sure you know what I mean such you're such a fan of culture and history. You steal something you get your hand cut off, you rape a girl...." She paused scanned her eyes down his body repositioned her gun and fired. Yates bent forward screeching out in pain and clutching his groin. She watched as he panted and squirmed trying to regain his wits. The sight was strangely enjoyable. Her body tingled from the spike in adrenalin this caused. . 

Then she heard it the low bitter chuckle from her dreams. She'd shot him three times now he should be bleeding out on the cold wet ground. Instead he was still laughing at her. Erin felt as if she were loosing her mind.

"Do you really think I'm afraid to go back to prison? Hurt me all you want detective. Stand there and and dish out whatever justice you feel is justified but we both know you won't take the ultimate step. You won't kill me. You're too good a person, have too big a heart to kill an unarmed human." He panted out. 

She drew her shoulders back and her gun lowered slightly. Her head tipped to the side in contemplation. She always had hated being told what she though and what she should do. "You're right," she said in a raspy voice. Then she raised her gun level with his head. "But you're not human, you're a monster." 

She pulled the trigger. The sound of her gun cracked through the dark rainy night. Yates eyes filled with surprise then rolled back in his head. His body fell lifeless to the ground. Erin stood over him staring at his form. "You lose. Game over. Rot in hell Yates. Rot in hell knowing you were finally bested, and by a woman." She whispered shakily. She felt a hand at her left shoulder and someone else’s cover her right hand. She turned to her right to see Hank slip the gun out of her hand. 

"It's done now Erin, lets get you home" she heard Jay's soft voice in her left ear, but he felt so far away. She felt like she was in a fog. Drained. Dead of emotion.. Pain suppressed. He led her to the waiting ambulance. The medics helped her in and tended to her wounds all the while Jay sat beside her holding her hand and occasionally asking if she was okay or needed anything. 

She'd spent a couple hours at the hospital getting stitches and X-rays and fussed over before Jay drove her home. She'd spent the whole time in foggy silence only nodding her answers as the doctors peppered her with questions about where she hurt. She'd missed the hushed conversations Jay and Hank had with each other and the doctors. She was exhausted so much so that she let Jay wheel her out to the car in a wheel chair. She just wanted to go home and shower and forget the day. She buckled herself in and Jay reached across the centre console to take her hand. "Time to get you home" she nodded and leaned her head back against the seat, closing her eyes.

/

Her head shot forward as the passenger door opened. "We're home" Jay said gently, offering her a hand out of the car. He kept a hand at her back to steady her as they made their way silently up to her apartment. 

Erin kicked off her boots and began peeling off her clothes as she headed straight for the shower, leaving a trail of dirty and bloodied clothes behind her. She turned the shower water to hot and climbed in. 

She stood under the hot spray letting it wash the day's events away. She closed her eyes and placed her hands on the wall for support, as she dipped her head under the water. The water stung as it made contact with her wounds, a welcome sensation. 

As she stood there her mind drifted. The names and faces of all the girls Yates hurt began filling the darkness behind her eyes. So much pain. So much hurt. So much evil. Then an imagine of Nadia came, she was smiling and laughing. It was right after she'd passed her polygraph. Nadia was so excited. So relieved. So full of hope. She'd felt as if the whole world was at her feet. 

A pain like Erin had never felt before ripped through her and exploded in a sob out of her mouth. And then another and another. The tears poured from her eyes mixing with the water and steam as she heaved in response to the pain. She'd shoved it down so hard for so long she had no control to stop it now. 

She had no idea how long she stood bent over sobbing, clinging to the wall of the shower, surrounded by the spray of the scalding water and steam. She was powerless to control the sobs, feeling like she was being torn in half. Nadia was gone. Forever. And there was nothing Erin could do to bring her back. Erin's knees shook at the helplessness that overtook her. And then a cool hand pressed to her back and she heard the squeak of the water being turned off. A towel came around her trembling body and she felt herself being lifted. 

Jay carried her to the bed where he sat with her cradled in his arms. He said nothing. Offered no useless words of comfort, just held her. Held her until the tremors calmed. Held her until her breathing became less laboured. Held her until the last angry tear fell from her eyes.


	19. Chapter 19

When he heard her sobbing in the shower his first thought was of relief. She was finally going to let her grief out in the right way. His second thought was heart break. He wanted to fix it. Bring Nadia back, protect her from this pain. He'd do anything to make this better for her. His third thought was how helpless and useless he felt because there was nothing he could do to fix this. 

He knew she needed time to finally cry so he sat on the bed and waited but after 10 minutes of listening to her gut wrenching sobs he couldn't sit any longer. He went to the bathroom turned off the water, wrapped her in a towel and carried her to the bed. There he sat with her cradled in his lap, her wet hair soaking through his shirt. He didn't care. He just wanted to hold her and she was letting him. 

He didn't speak, knew there was nothing he could say that would help her right now. Besides she needed to cry. So he sat holding her tight waiting for her. Eventually the tears stopped and her breathing became more steady. She trembled and he reached to move them under the covers, careful not to cause her pain. She snuggled closer into him wrapping her arms around his torso. He sat stroking her arms and back and laying gentle kisses atop her head listening to her breathe, the occasional tremor still racking her body. 

"I miss her so much" she whispered. 

"I know, I do too" he said gently into her hair. 

He let some more time pass in silence. He wouldn't push her to talk tonight. He was just glad she was here, alive. He'd lost his mind when Antonio called to tell them Erin was gone. He'd been pissed at Voight too. Jay should have been the one to go to New York with Erin. He was sure he could have kept her safe. Antonio was a great cop but Erin was HIS partner. 

His mind jumped from worry to worry. The cuts and bruising he'd glimpsed when he took her out of the shower made his blood boil. It hadn't been hard to stand there and let Erin claim her justice, have her closure. Kill Yates. Truth be told as he stood to her left, gun trained on Yates head, he had been waiting for Yates to flinch. If he'd so much as moved an inch in Erin's direction Jay would have pulled the trigger. He just needed the tiniest excuse to end that monster’s life. But he wondered how Erin would feel about what she'd done once it all sunk in. He knew too well the toll that kind of justice could take on you. 

He knew Erin was still numb from the adrenaline. Tomorrow she'd be in a lot of pain. He knew from experience how intense the pain would feel the day after. The doctor had given her a prescription for pain medication and muscle relaxers. Voight had slipped it into his pocket and told Jay to call him in the morning with an update on how she was doing. He'd told Jay not to leave her side. He didn't need to be told. No way in hell was he leaving Erin alone. 

He was worried about her slipping too. Antonio had said she hadn't eaten properly since they touched down in New York and not at all today. She'd refused food at the hospital too, although after the doctors said she had two fractured ribs he could understand why. 

He just hoped that finally releasing all her anguish would be a good thing and not a push off the edge. He promised himself he'd do whatever was necessary to keep her from going down again. 

And he was worried what the effects of Yates abuse would have on her. No one had been able to get much information out of Erin about exactly what had happened with Yates. He hoped once the adrenaline ebbed she'd talk to someone. He prayed she'd come far enough in the last few months that she wouldn't shut back down. 

An aftershock of her sobbing tremored through her, pulling Jay from his thoughts. "Can I get you something? Tea? Something to eat?" He asked tenderly. 

She shook her head no. "I'm just so tired." Her voice was horse and quiet. 

He lifted her as gently as possible from his lap but her arms wrapped tighter. He was surprised but encouraged that she was seeking him out rather than pushing him away. "It's ok, I'm just going to get you some pyjamas and we can climb into bed." He soothed. She nodded and pulled the covers up over her. 

Jay turned on the bedside lamp, quickly found her favourite pyjamas and sat carefully on the bed. He began helping her dress and was almost sick to his stomach by what he saw. In the hours since they'd left Yates lifeless body for the coroner to deal with the bruises on Erin's face had swollen and deepened in colour. Butterfly bandages covered the crimson red gash on her chest. Deep purple bruises covered her abdomen, and a burn mark he was all to familiar with thanks to Derek Keyes screamed at him from her left side. 

A blinding rage of revenge stronger than anything he felt since Afghanistan filled him. The sensation took him back in time. Flashes of being held and beaten, flashes of watching men from his unit die, flashes of what they'd done to the people responsible for the torture and death began to bombard his mind in rapid succession. His heart rate quickened his breathing became shallow. He didn't hear Erin calling to him. 

Something soft and cold touched his face. Jay jolted back to the present. The cold chill ran through his body, grounding him back in the present. Yates is damn lucky he's dead, Jay thought. No way in hell would someone touch Erin and survive. 

"Jay? Jay are you okay?" Erin's voice was panicked and her eyes were full of concern. 

He smiled a sad smile at her and nodded. "Yeah, I'm just glad that bastards dead. Let's get you into bed." Jay finished helping her dress and stripped down to his boxers. He was thankful she was too exhausted to question him further. He turned off the light and climbed in beside her. Erin moved around awkwardly until she found a comfortable spot with her head resting on his chest. Again Jay was surprised yet comforted by her need to be close to him. 

Jay took slow breaths and tried to clear his mind. She was here. She was safe. Yates was dead. Nothing more could touch her tonight. Over and over he repeated these words in his head. As gently as he could he wrapped his arm protectively around her and focused on the rhythm of her breathing. He hoped a dreamless sleep would come for him tonight.


	20. Chapter 20

Erin woke on her back with a pounding headache. She struggled to open her eyes even in the dim morning light. She felt the warmth of an arm draped across her stomach, a leg laced through her legs and a body pressed up against her side. His head was nestled in her shoulder, warm breath falling across her neck. She smiled. It was embarrassing how good waking up next to, or rather tangled up in him felt. She turned her head to try and catch a peak at his sleeping form and pain shot through her spine. She winced and took in a sharp inward breath. Confusion as to why she hurt quickly turned to remembering. 

She closed her eyes again as her world spun with the fresh memories that bombarded her. She let the images wash over her. The cold damn basement, the table with straps, the crate of instruments, being tasered, being kicked in the stomach, the feel of Yates running his hands over her hair, the burst of flame from the oil lamp, the stabbing pain when she hoisted herself up and out the window, the feel of rain on her face, Yates kneeling in front of her laughing, the surprise on his face as she shot him, his lifeless body laying in the mud, rain washing his blood across the ground. 

Erin shifted to shake the image of Yates lifeless body from her mind, causing more pain to radiate through her body. The movement caused Jay to stir and wake. He lifted his head suddenly, eyes darting over her body. “What’s wrong? What happened?” 

She would have found his concern amusing if she wasn't in so much damn pain. "Nothing. It's fine. I just moved too fast. I'm ok." 

He sat up a bit further and gently backed off her body a bit "I'm sorry I didn't mean to put any weight on you.”

"No, Jay it's fine. Besides you were keeping me warm.” She tried to smile at him and reassure him. He opened his mouth to speak when they heard something crash to the floor in the kitchen. 

"What the hell was that?" She whispered. But Jay was already up and retrieving his gun from the bed side table. 

"Stay here," he warned and disappeared around the doorway. Fuck that! She said to herself. Erin gingerly rolled to a seated position. The pain was out of this world. But she couldn't let Jay face whoever was in her apartment alone. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" She heard Jay's angry voice from the other room. 

"Me? What are you doing here is more like it! Isn't it against department rules for you to be here?" There was no mistaking the woman's voice. It grated on Erin worse than nails on a black board. She needed to deal with this. Erin took as deep a breath as she could manage and rose to her feet. As quickly as she could she walked out to the living room. 

"Erin baby, you're finally up!" 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Erin's voice was horse and cracking from sleep and pain. 

"I heard on the news that awful man escaped from jail and thought I'd come and make you feel better. It's what a mother does." Bunny raised her arms in a selfless shrug. Then her eyes went wide as she registered the bruises on Erin's face and neck. "Oh Erin, look at you? Did he do this to you?" Her voice turned to venom and she pointed to Jay "Did you put your hands on my baby?" Erin felt Jay tense beside her. She wasn't sure she was in any shape to keep him from killing Bunny right now. 

"No he did not and you need to leave." She took a step forward and cringed in pain. Jay moved to her side. 

"Oh honey your in pain, here come sit down. I've got something to help you feel better." Bunny pulled a small plastic bottle from her pocket containing pills. "Let me just get you some juice to wash it down with." Bunny turned to retrieve a glass from the cupboard. Erin's blood turned to lava. It was too much. Too much seeing her here. Her presence sickened her, reminding her what a stupid fool she'd been after Nadia's murder. She couldn't be here. Bunny needed to leave now. A sense of panic started to over take Erin. 

"How did you get in here?" Jay demanded interrupting Erin's thoughts. He placed his hand or Erin's back and glanced at her. He could sense her anxiety heightening. 

Bunny turned and presented him with her sweetest smile. "I have a key. Erin gave it to me after Nadia passed, poor girl.” Bunny continued to pour Erin a glass of juice and she dishes two pills out of the plastic bottle. Erin could tell Jay was floored by what he was witnessing. Bunny's complete disregard for Erin's wishes had Jay stunned into silence. 

Bunny scanned Erin over. "So if he didn't do this to you who did?"

"It was a case," Erin said waving her question off. "you need to leave now."

"What! Hank let this happen to you? See Erin I told you that man was no good for your life! I don't understand why you'd want to go back to that job and work for him. He got Nadia killed and now your hurt. He's gonna get you killed too one of these days. Here," she said placing the pills on the counter. "come sit and take theses and tell me all about your night." 

"No!" Erin said more forcefully. She couldn't handle hearing Nadia’s name come out of Bunny’s mouth. "You need to leave now!" The effort made Erin cringe in pain. She looked up at Jay for support. She needed Bunny gone. She needed the drugs gone. With all the pain she was in and the events of the last few days she didn't have the energy to fight with her mother. 

Jay was finally snapped out of his surprise by Erin's silent request. He stepped between Erin and Bunny and straighten to his full height. He could be quite intimidating when needed. A skill set Erin often appreciated when they were dealing with volatile suspects. Or psychotic mothers, her inner voice quipped. "Get out Bunny. Now." His voice was cold and harsh leaving no room for argument but Bunny unwisely ignored him. 

"You're not going to intimidate me. This is MY daughter and I'm going to take care of her. You're the one who needs to leave." 

Erin saw the red creeping up Jays neck. He was about to boil over and trying so hard to hold it in for Erin's sake. Frankly Erin was about to blow herself. Erin had had enough. Her anxiety was replaced by rage, her pain forgotten. She stepped in front of Jay. "Get out. Now!" Erin yelled. 

"Erin, honey you've had a bad night lets just sit down. What did you do here anyway? Why is the furniture different? Did you paint? I liked it so much better the other way." Erin was done. Bunny was beyond frustrating and everything Erin experienced over the last few days came bubbling up. She snapped. Her eyes darted to the vase on the coffee table. There was no getting through to this woman. "I said get out!!" she screamed. Without a second thought Erin grabbed the vase and threw it at Bunny. Bunny ducked just in time and the vase exploded against the kitchen cabinets sending shards of glass and water in every direction. 

"Erin!" Bunny gasped "that's no way to treat someone who's trying to help you." Erin shot forward. She was going to kill Bunny! But Jay was faster, his arms came around Erin’s waist holding her back. 

"Are you out of your damn mind?" He yelled at Bunny. "You were told to leave. You have three seconds to get the hell out of here."

"I'm not going anywhere," Bunny yelled back "and if you even think about putting your hands on me I will bring charges against you. She's my daughter and I'm going to take care of her." 

"Take care of her?" Jay was beyond exasperated. His voice filled the space "Is that what you call what you do? You couldn't take care of a dead cat." 

Bunny gasped. "How dare you!!"

"No how dare you." Jay stepped towards Bunny, no longer in control of his temper. "How dare you inject your poison into Erin's life when she's repeatedly told you to stay away from her. How dare you pray on her vulnerability and use it to fulfill your own sick twisted needs. How dare you call yourself a mother when all you've ever brought to Erin's life is pain and suffering. You need to leave. NOW and I don't care if I have to drag you out by your hair!" 

"What the hell is going on here?" Erin, Jay and and Bunny all turned towards the hall. There stood Hank, tray of hot drinks in one hand, paper bag in the other, a look that would kill on his face.


	21. Chapter 21

"This doesn't concern you Hank. It's a family matter so just leave." Bunny spit at him. With deceptive calmness Hank put down the drinks and bags and stalked towards Bunny. Erin held her breath. 

"I'm going to say this once. You're going to leave this apartment right now. You're not going to come back. Your not going to call Erin. You're not going to see Erin. You’re not even going to send her a damn post card. If I find out you're anywhere near Erin I will slap a restraining order on you." Hank threatened. 

"You can't do that Hank, I know my rights." Bunny whined. 

"Your rights? You gave those up 15 years ago where this girls concerned" he said pointing at Erin. "She doesn't want you in her life. I don't want you in her life. So GET. OUT." Hank looked at Bunny with his most intimidating stare. Even Erin wouldn't contradict him with that look on his face. 

"Erin, tell him. Tell him I'm your mother and this is where I belong." Erin was astonished. She knew now the affects Bunny's years of drinking and drug use had because the woman was as dumb as a board taking her life in her hands and ignoring Hank's demands. 

"No, mom," the word dripped of sarcasm and contempt as she said it, "I won't tell him. But I will tell you one last time, Leave. Please. Just leave." Erin was exasperated and the exchange has taken what little energy her few hours rest had given her. She had nothing left emotionally or physically to deal with this anymore. Jay must have sensed her defeat because once again his hand was on her back for support. 

"Fine!" Bunny grumbled and slapped the tea towel she had over her shoulder down on the counter. "If that's what you really want." She gave everyone in the room a dramatic stare for effect. Erin rolled her eyes. When Bunny's words were met with silence she slinked out of the kitchen and around to the front door. "Don't come crying to me next time you can't handle your life Erin!" She called over her shoulder. "You've made your bed." After a moment she heard click of the door being shut. 

Relief flooded Erin and she sunk back against the arm of her couch. 

"Why the hell would you even let her in here?" Hank turned to Erin and demanded. 

"I didn't." Erin protested, while trying to rub the pain from her forehead. He stared, waiting for an explanation. Erin dropped her hand and looked down at the floor feeling ashamed. Defeated she admitted, "She had a key." 

"Well not anymore." Hank pointed to Jay "I want that lock changed by the end of the day."

Jay nodded his agreement. Had she not been in so much pain and already so tired again she would have protested, reminded them she wasn't a child and could take care of it herself. Instead she was distracted by the smell of coffee. 

"Is that coffee?" Erin asked hopefully, pointing at the tray of drinks Hank had come in with. 

Hank lifted a cup from the tray, grabbed one of the bags and walked toward her. He motioned to the couch. “Sit,” he commanded. Erin wasn't going to protest. Gingerly she moved to get comfy on the couch and Hank handed her the warm take out cup. "Stopped by the bakery on the way here and picked you up some breakfast. Yours is on the counter Halstead, help yourself." Jay thanked Hank and moved to grab his coffee while Hank sat on the edge of the couch next to Erin. "How you feeling this morning kiddo?" 

"Like I was hit by a bus" Erin admitted, taking a sip of her coffee. The warm liquid felt good sliding down her throat. 

"Can you manage?" Hank asked, his concern for her clear. She knew what he was asking, if she needed something for the pain. She contemplated for a moment but decided against it. 

"Yeah, it fine. Just don't ask me to help you move anytime soon." She gave a weak smile at her lame attempt at a joke. "Why are you here anyway?"

Hank reached up and ruffled her hair. "I was worried about you. I told Halstead I'd check in this morning. And you need to eat something. Figured this," Hank lifted the bag of baked goods,"was my best shot at getting something in you." 

"Thanks," Erin took the bag and removed the croissant from it. She began picking at the pastry. She still wasn't that hungry, the pain was distracting, but she didn't want to hear a lecture from either of the men in her life so she picked off small pieces one by one and let them melt in her mouth. 

"So, Will's going to stop by and check on you this morning." Hank informed her. She was confused and surprised by this. "Why, the doctor at the hospital said I just needed time to heal."

"I know but I'd like him to take a look just in case, before you leave."

"Leave? Leave where? What are you talking about?" Erin didn't know what Hank was up to. She didn't need any more stress in her morning. 

"There's no way you can come to work like this Erin, you need time to heal. And I know you. You'll go crazy sitting around here. I talked to Halstead last night. He said he had the perfect place for you to relax for a few days and maybe not dwell to much on everything."

"Your worried I'm going to fall down a hole again." She accused. Hank stared at her. He didn't deny it. Indignation filled her. "Hank.."she began. 

He placed his hand on her knees. "Erin, I trust you, you earned that trust back, but you've been through hell and back. You need time to heal. Physical and mentally. Getting out of here for a few days won't hurt, especially if Bunny's decided to inject herself back into your life. I approved a few days off for you and Halstead. Go. Relax. Then come back ready to work."

Erin opened her mouth to protest again but reconsidered. A mini vacation did sound good. Lord knows she wasn't in any shape even to sit behind a desk right now. She didn't know how she'd handle herself if Bunny showed back up. And she had to admit staring at these walls was likely to drive her crazy. "Ok." She conceded. Hank seemed surprised, like he'd expected more of a fight. But she was too damn tired. 

She'd showered and packed while Jay went home to get some things for himself. Will had stopped by and gave her a once over and some doctorly advice. He confirmed that all she needed was rest and time to heal. He too had offered her something for the pain but again she declined. She couldn't help but catch the satisfied look on Hank's face out of the corner of her eye when she'd told Will she'd manage without pain medication. 

After Will left Erin reclined on the couch and closed her eyes while she waited for Jay to return. She felt the couch dip as Hank sat down. She peaked through half closed eyes at him. He was staring at her. 

"Spit it out" she said flatly. 

"You weren't very forthcoming with what happened with Yates last night."

"Not much to tell," she said her voice devoid of emotion. 

"Erin," Hank warned. 

She let out a long low sigh. "Hank I'm fine."  
He just stared at her. Erin shifted to a more upright position. "Fine you want to know, I'll tell you." Erin briefly recounted the events of yesterday from the time she'd left the bathroom at the rest stop up until Yates escape out the window. 

"And that's it? That's all that happened?" Hank asked tentatively. 

"That's it? Isn't that enough?" 

Hank places a sympathetic hand on her cheek. "It's too much. If he weren't dead I'd kill him for laying a hand on you. But you know what I'm asking."

Erin's eyes went wide. "Oh god, no Hank no. Nothing like that happened. I mean, I think that was the plan but he got spooked when he heard you all breaking in the house and took off." 

A look of relief washed over Hanks face. "I'm ok" she repeated again. "Really I am." 

"And up here?" he asked tapping gently on her temple. 

Erin thought for s moment. How did she feel? "I'm exhausted Hank. I haven't really had a chance to digest it all you know? And then with Bunny showing up this morning..." Erin shook her head in disbelief. 

Hank nodded. "Fair enough. But I want you to see Dr. Charles when you get back." He commanded. She knew he was just trying to help her but it still annoyed her being told what to do. There was no energy to fight with him today so she just nodded her head in agreement. 

Jay returned with the building maintained man in tow. He rekeyed the locks on Erin's door and gave her the new keys. They collected Erin's bag and helped her down to Jay's waiting car. Hank pulled her in for a gentle hug. Then held her at arms length and gave her a pointed look. "Rest. I mean it kiddo. I need you back in the bullpen at 100%."

"I will," she promised. He nodded at Jay, they exchanged some kind of look and then Hank was helping ease Erin into the car. 

"What was that about?" Erin asked Jay once they were driving down the street. 

"What was what about?" he asked innocently. She knew he knew damn well what she was talking about. 

"The look you and Hank exchanged?" she stared at Jay. 

He glanced away from the road to smile at her. "He's just making sure his little girl is taken care are of." He said to sweetly, squeezing her leg. 

Erin rolled her eyes. Leave it to Jay to say something stupid to try and lighten the mood. "If I wasn't so banged up I swear I'd smash both your over protective heads together." She grumbled. 

"Well there's two things good about you being banged up then." Jay chuckled. 

"Two?" she asked puzzled and why was he laughing at her pain? 

"Yeah, two." He smirked at her. "Because with you out of commission it means I get to drive!" she couldn’t help but break out in a full smile as she watched a self satisfied grin spread across his face. The moron was so proud of his stupid joke. Hank was right, a few days away with Jay was exactly what she needed.


	22. Chapter 22

The drive up to the cabin was harder than Jay anticipated for Erin. She'd slept the first hour or so, still exhausted from her encounter with Yates and from dealing with Bunny's surprise visit. Once she woke up she was clearly uncomfortable. She'd tried not to complain but Jay would pull off the highway every hour or so just to give her a chance to stretch her sore muscles. 

This meant the drive was taking a lot longer than he'd planned for. They were still a couple hours away and Erin had been quiet for the last several miles, arms folded across her chest staring out the window at the endless line of trees. Jay didn't get the sense she was happy and he wanted to change that. He racked his brain for a funny story to help lighten her mood. 

"Did I ever tell you about the time Will, my cousins Ryan and Mark and I decided to search for big foot in the woods around the cabin?" Erin turned her head slowly towards Jay, her face remained neutral but he could see the hint of interest in her eyes. "So I was about seven and we decided that in order to find big foot we needed to blend in with the woods, like camouflage, but our nana had told us not to get our clothes dirty because we were going into town for the fair." Jay paused for dramatic effect and waited for Erin to catch on to where he was going with his story. He glanced at her again but her face was still stoic. "So we strip down to our briefs and cover ourselves with mud and stick leaves to the mud, you know so we look like a bush." Jay smiled at the memory of how ridiculous they all looked. "Then we creep through the woods looking for the perfect place to hide. We must have been out there a good forty five minutes trying to sit still and quiet when we all start scratching and squirming around. No one says anything at first, we were all trying to play it off. No one wanted to be the spoil sport but the itch just keeps getting worse and then it's burning everywhere and I mean everywhere! Finally Mark, he's the youngest of the bunch, breaks. He shoots straight up and runs screaming for his mom all the way back to the cabin. We all look at each other in relief, because no one wanted to be the baby to break first, and take off after him screaming. Our moms and nana are horrified when they see us. Like just flabbergasted. I mean can you imagine four mostly naked boys covered from head to toe in mud and leaves tearing out of the woods screaming at the top of their lungs." Jay chuckles as he remembers the look on his mom's face when she saw them. "They sent us right down to the river to wash it off, it was still early in the season so that water was so damn cold." Jay shivered at the memory. "Anyway we get out and all you can hear is this collective gasp come from the women. They're staring at us with this look of horror on their faces."

"Why? What was wrong?" Erin asked. Jay smiled, he'd piqued her interest after all. 

"Poison ivy," he said, his voice dropping deep with mock seriousness. "Everywhere, I mean everywhere! There wasn't a spot on any of us that wasn't covered in it." Jay shook his head. "Probably one of the worse experiences of my life."

Erin smiled. Not quite the reaction he'd been hoping for. He'd though she'd get a kick out of his story. He usually didn't have any trouble getting her to laugh. Instead she turned her head back out the window. "Great so on top of being eaten alive and being stuck out in the middle of no where without amenities, I'm gonna be scratching like crazy too," she mumbled. 

"Hey," Jay felt defensive now. "The cabin is amazing. I thought you'd love it up there. Its peaceful and beautiful. You said it sounded like a nice idea when we talked about it before."

"No Jay. I didn't. I said retiring with you sounded like a nice idea. Not being stuck in the middle of nowhere living like pioneers."Erin sighed. 

Jay's jaw clenched. He knew she was tired and in pain and had been through a lot so he was trying not to react to her negative attitude. "Why don't you just wait and see. You're gonna love it." He encouraged. 

"Right," she mumbled. 

"Have you ever even been to a cabin? Or camping?" He tired to keep his tone even. 

"Yeah," said Erin. "Hank use to take Justin, Camille and I, two weeks a summer, up to some rustic hunt camp here in Wisconsin. We stayed in these tents with wooden platforms, cooked over a fire, bathed in the lake and had to pee in a hole in the ground out in the bush. It was real glamorous."

"This isn't quite like that Erin," Jay countered. 

"Whatever." Erin was still staring out the window.

"Wow, thanks for being so open minded," he shot back. 

Erin sighed. "Jay, I'm sorry. it's just," she paused, seemed to be searching for what she wanted to say. "When you spend your childhood not having hot water or heat half the time and never knowing if there's gonna be enough money for food the next day, the idea of roughing it," she lifted her hands to make quotation marks when she said roughing it, "doesn't really sound all that fun." 

Jay felt his heart clench. It was so unfair what Erin had been through. "Erin," he said placing his hand on her leg. "I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that was like for you. Look, the cabin, it's not all that rustic. My nana made my grandfather do some upgrades over the years. She said as she got older she didn't want to work so hard to relax. There's a giant fireplace and wood stove to heat the cabin. We're on well water so there's running drinking water and flush toilets inside and we have a big propane tank that we use to run the water heater. There electricity too. It's a really cozy place with great views. There's even a screened in porch area so you don't have to deal with the bugs if you don't want to. And we're only about twenty minutes outside of town. I wouldn't take you somewhere you couldn't be comfortable while you're healing Erin." There was silence in the car for a few moments. 

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so miserable. I'm just tired and everything hurts." Erin apologized. 

"I know. I'm sorry I wasn't thinking the drive would be so hard on you. We're almost there." Jay gave her a sympathetic smile. 

She squeezed his hand on her leg and smiled back. "I'm glad we're going to have some time away together."

"Me too! I'm really excited to show you this place Erin. I've never brought anyone up here before." He gave her one of his most charming smiles. It was true. He'd never felt the want to share this place with anyone before. The cabin was special to him. Not only full of great childhood memories but it's where he'd come to heal after Mouse dragged him home. He was hoping it would have the same healing effect on Erin. 

Erin laughed a little, rolled her eyes at him and turned her attention back to looking out the window but she kept her fingers intertwined with his on her leg. After a few moments she turned back to look at him. "Poison ivy everywhere?"She asked a smile spreading across her face. 

Jay chuckled, "yeah. EVERYWHERE," he said dramatically. 

Erin laughed. "You must have been a sight running through the woods like that."

Jay laughed, "oh we were. If you're good maybe I'll try and find the old family albums. I'm sure someone snapped a picture of us."

"Now that I'm looking forward to seeing," Erin giggled. Jay laughed with her. Her change in mood lifted his spirits. He was excited for what the next few days could bring for them.


	23. Chapter 23

They pulled into town around supper time. It was a place frozen in time. Jay had come here almost every summer of his life and things never looked different. The main street was lined with old brick buildings, each one housed a family owned business. A diner, a barber, the gift shop, clothing store and so on. Hanging flower pots adorned each street lamp. Just off the main road was the grocery and hardware stores. 

Jay knew Erin was worn out from traveling, she'd fallen asleep shortly after the poison ivy story, but he had to stop and pick up supplies for the next few days. He debated letting her sleep but he didn't want her to wake disoriented and alone in the car. He still wasn't sure how she was feeling about everything that happened the last few days. At some point he was going to ask but right now he was more concerned with her getting rest. 

He settled on waking her, figuring she'd want some input on what they were going to eat while they were here. Gently he shook her leg. "Hey sleepy head." Erin moaned and began to stir. She went to stretch then grimaced in pain. "Easy." Jay soothed. 

"Are we here?" Erin sleepily looked around. 

"Pretty much. I stopped in town to grab some supplies and food."

"Oh ok." He heard the disappointment in her voice and felt bad again but they'd be at the cabin soon now. Jay exited the car and came around to help Erin out. It was a testament to how sore she was that she didn't protest the help. 

"I'm sorry Erin, I promise we're almost there. It's only another 20 min from here. We'll stock up quick and head out."

"It's ok Jay." She placed her hand on her tummy. "Is there any place decent to eat here? Maybe we could grab some dinner before we head out?" 

Jay smiled enthusiastically. A hungry Erin was a really good sign. "Of course! Do you want to do that first? The diner is right around the corner. They make amazing burgers." 

Erin's eyes went wide with enthusiasm. "Yes, please that sounds great." 

Jays heart sped up. It was good to see her smile. "Do you want to drive over?"

"No it's okay. I could use a bit of a walk actually."

"Ok it's this way." Jay pointed Erin in the direction of the diner. Her movements became a little less stiff as the walked. By the time they reached the edge of the parking lot Erin had thread her fingers through his. He ran his thumb across her knuckles and enjoyed the warmth of her hand against his while they walked. 

\---

The diner was just as Erin had expected it. A picture take right from a 1950's movie. Their waitress was friendly and cheerful. And while she had momentarily been taken aback by the bruising on Erin's face she recovered quickly and to Erin's relief hadn't asked about it. Jay made small talk with Erin while they waited for their food to arrive, telling her a little more about the town. It seemed like a nice place. 

When the food arrived Erin couldn't concentrate on anything else. She wolfed it down. Jay had been right, the burgers were amazing. "That was amazing." She said looking up to grab her drink. Jay was just staring at her. "What?" She asked. 

Jay let out a little laugh, "did you even taste it?"

She chucked her scrunched up napkin at him. "Yes," she said mock irritation in her voice. "I was hungry." She shrugged. 

"I saw." Jay continued to laugh and eat his burger. Erin stuck her tongue out at him and stole one of his fries. "Hey!"He complained 

"Oh, get over it." She laughed. 

Jay shook his head and pulled his plate closer to him. "My food. Stay away," he joked. Erin rolled her eyes and laughed out loud. A sharp pain shot through her ribs. She grimaced and grabbed her side. "You okay?" Jay sat up and reached for her free hand. 

"Yeah, just can't laugh like that yet." She leaned her head against the cushioned booth seat back and closed her eyes, taking slow breaths to help the pain pass. As much as she'd enjoyed stopping to eat she hoped they'd be at the cabin soon. She wanted to lay down in a proper bed. The whole way up she'd regretted her decision to forgo pain killers. Every bump in the road sent pain traveling through her. But Jay had promised they would be there soon and she was trying to be positive. He didn't need to hear her complain every two minutes when he'd gone above and beyond trying to make her comfortable and happy.

She must have dozed off because the next thing she knew Jay way leaning over her saying it was time to go. At the grocery store Erin offered to push the cart, more to use as a kind of crutch than anything else. They wandered up and down the isles picking out food for the next few days and then paid for their purchases. Jay helped Erin into the car before loading all the bags into the trunk. 

Twenty minutes later they were pulling up a long dirt drive completely encompassed by trees and brush. It curved slightly so Erin couldn't see more than a few feet up the road at a time. She did know that if they hit one more pot hole she wasn't going to be able to contain the scream of pain that threatened to erupt. Jay kept mumbling sorry as the car bottomed out in each crater. They crawled along the bumpy road as Jay swerved trying to avoid as many of the holes as he could. Just when she thought she had reached her limit a clearing came into view. 

As they rounded the last curve Erin gasped. "Oh my god" she whispered. She turned in disbelief to look at Jay. 

He had a huge grin on his face. "Still think it's a bad idea to retire here?"


	24. Chapter 24

"There's no way your grandfather had this dragged up the river by mules!" Erin exclaimed in disbelief. 

"All this, no. Just the original structure. He added onto it over the years as the kids and grandkids came alone. Do you like it?"

"Like it? Jay it's beautiful here!" Erin took a moment to really take in her surroundings. The cabin sat in a clearing of trees, the river set behind it. She could make out the original rectangular structure at the cabins centre but it had been build out on either side and a porch extended across the entire front, gardens softening the front edge. The roof extended up in sharp peaks making Erin wonder if there were vaulted ceilings inside. Beautiful picture windows were cut into the log sides. Everything looked well maintained making Erin wonder if someone in the family was here regularly. 

"We have a neighbor, about a 1/2 mile up the river who keeps an eye on things. He loves to garden so he enjoys looking after what my grandmother planted." Jay offered. Jay hopped out of the car. His excitement at being here evident. He circled round to Erin's side and opened her door, extending his hand to help her out. She took it and slowly climbed out of the car careful not to make any sudden painful movements. The sound of birds chirping, and the breeze rustling through the tree branches made her laugh. "What's so funny," Jay scowled at her. 

"Nothing. It's just all so peaceful and pretty and... Fuck" she exclaimed, her smile replaced by a grimace, smacking at her thigh. "And full of mosquitos!" She grumbled.

Jay laughed at her and extended his arms out in an apologetic shrug, "welcome to Wisconsin!" 

Erin rolled her eyes but chuckled with him. "Can we go see inside?"

"Of course." 

Jay kept a hand at Erin's back and led her up to the cabin. Once inside Erin was again impressed. She shouldn't have spent so much time stressing on the way up. The cabin was warn and comfortable. There was a large fireplace, functional kitchen and large windows on the back wall framed a beautiful view of the river. She had been right about the vaulted ceilings. Jay explained how his grandfather had changed and added onto the cabin over the years making sure there was room for the entire family to come up at the same time. 

He showed her the bedroom they'd be using while here. The large bed was covered with a soft quilt and was beckoning Erin to come lay down. "Go ahead," Jay encouraged. 

"What?" 

"Go ahead and lay down. I'll load everything in the house and get set up." 

"Are you sure?" Erin felt guilty for leaving him to do all the work.

"Yes. You're here to rest. So rest." He placed a kiss on her forehead, smiled at her, then left to unload the car. Erin carefully climbed on the bed and settle into the pillows pulling the quilt up over her. 

\----

Erin woke several hours later and made her way out to the great room. There was a fire going in the fireplace and Jay was reclined in a chair holding a beer and staring at the flames. He seemed so far away. Erin wondered what he was thinking about. 

He looked up as she slowly approached him. "Hey, wasn't expecting you up till morning. How are you feeling?" 

"A bit better actually. It was nice to stretch out. What time is it?" 

"Almost ten. You slept for a good bit. Can I get you something?" 

"That beer looks good. I'll go grab one though, you stay." 

But Jay was already up and moving towards the fridge. He stopped to loop his arm across Erin's waste and kiss her on his way. "Go sit. I'll bring it to you." 

"Thanks" Erin wandered further into the great room towards the sofa but was distracted by a bookshelf adorned with family photos, books, albums and ornaments. 

A picture of four young boys caught her eye. They were on the dock in swim trunks, wet hair plastered to their foreheads, proudly holding up fish they'd likely just caught. Erin recognized Will's red hair, he was probably about twelve in this photo, there were two boys who's features were similar enough that Erin guessed they were Jay and Will’s cousins, and then her eyes fell on him. His messy curls stuck out on the sides, freckles covered his face and torso, and a heart stoping grin she'd know anywhere stretched across his face. 

Jay came up beside her holding out her beer. "Find anything interesting detective?" 

"You were such a cute kid. What happened?" She teased. 

He gave her a pointed look but couldn't keep his lips from curling up at the sides. Erin giggled. She took her beer and thanked him but continued to look at the framed photos. 

"The little one is Mark, the oldest is Ryan." He offered confirming her thought that it was indeed their cousins in the picture with them. 

"You haven't seen much of them since we've been partners."

"No, they both live out of state and with both my grandparents passed we don't really have much cause to get together I guess. We trade texts and emails from time to time though." 

"And who are all these people?" Erin asked holding up a photo with a group of adults as well as Jay, Will and the cousins in it.

Jay pointed to the various people as he spoke "my grandfather and Nana, Mark and Ryan's parents, and that's my mom and dad." Erin studied the picture for a moment. Jay had his mother's eyes for sure. She was a beautiful woman. He seemed to favour her looks more strongly than his father's. His mom stood with one arm around each of her boys while Jay's dad stood to Will's side, one hand casually in his pocket. The stance was familiar, Jay often stood like that. She'd doubted he'd appreciate her pointing it out though. She loved seeing these pictures and getting a chance to know more about Jay. 

"You have a lot of great memories here." 

"Yeah, I do."

Erin smiled warmly at him. She took his hand and lead him to the sofa in front of the fire. Jay sat and spread his legs so she could sit between them, her back to his front. She leaned back and they stretched their legs out in front of them. Jay lay his arm across her waist and Erin intertwined the fingers of her free hand with his. He nuzzled her hair with his nose. "Tell me." She prompted. 

"What do you want to hear?"

"Anything. More silly stories? Adventures in the woods?" Erin needed to know everything. She needed to know the boy this amazing man had grown from. She realized how little of himself he'd shared with her over the last three years and now that she was here, in a place that was clearly so special to him, she wanted to feel that connection too. 

Jay chuckled,"alright. I don't really know what to tell you. We use to go fishing a lot, like you saw in the picture. And every summer our parents would ship all us boys up here to stay with our grandparents, they'd come up too for a week or so in the middle and then again to collect us before school started. We were boys so we got up to the usual trouble. Mostly we were building forts in the forest or horsing around in the water but our grandfather had us help him prepare the wood for winter and help Nana in the garden. She used to grow all their fruit and vegetables and then make preserves for the winter." 

Erin ate every detail up. It was all so foreign to her and stood out in sharp contrast to her own childhood experiences. She lay quiet against Jay listening to him recount stories of his adventures with his brother and cousins. She didn't think she'd ever heard him talk so much, but she loved the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms watching the flames dance in the fireplace, his voice painting pictures of carefree children playing in the sun.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just want to take a minute to thank everyone for the support. It's been a long break between chapters and I appreciate all the messages of encouragement and well wishes while I took some time to deal with my busy life. Im back to updating, hopefully once a week. Hope you continue to enjoy the story. Also I've had quite a few one shot requests and there are a couple I've picked out to write, others are ideas I've decided to incorporate into Aftermath. Again thank you all so much for the love and for reading along!

It was raining. Hard. Jay built a fire while Erin put together some lunch. Erin had half a mind to tell Jay she'd make the fire and he could put together lunch just to keep things from veering too close to traditional for her but she had little experience building a fire and didn't want to hear Jay tease her about it for the next century. 

Standing at the counter cutting up veggies she noticed the pain had subsided a bit today. They had ventured on a short walk along the river this morning and sat on an outcropping of rocks, dangling their feet in the cool water while trying to one up each other with stories of who had dealt with the craziest call while still on patrol. On their way back the storm clouds rolled in and the wind shifted, becoming cool and damp. A few minutes after entering the cabin the skies had opened up and heavy rain loudly pounded against the cabin, obscuring their view out the widows. 

Jay came up behind Erin, slipped one arm around her waist and placed a warm kiss on her neck. "Don't think I don't know your game Halstead," Erin teased, as Jay reached for the platter of food with his free hand to steal a bite. 

Jay laughed, "Was just coming to see if you needed a hand." He mumbled against her shoulder. 

"Mmmhhh," Erin smiled. "Well then you can be helpful and carry this stuff over to the coffee table, it's ready." 

"Yes ma'am," Jay teased, but he did as he was told and carried the tray over. Erin followed with their drinks and plates, set them down on the coffee table and settled into the couch with a sandwich from the tray. They made small talk while they ate and watched the fire dance to the scattered rhythm the rain played against the windows. 

Out of no where a huge boom of thunder and ear splitting crack of lighting resonated through the cabin. They both jumped, startled, then laughed at themselves. "I didn't realize we were in for such a big storm." Jay mused. 

"Are you worried?" Jay raised an eyebrow in response to Erin's question. "I mean about the cabin or loosing power or something," Erin clarified. 

"No, we should be good. I put a new roof on the cabin when I came home and there's a generator in the shed if we need it." 

Erin nodded. She mulled his words over, 'when I came home', she knew he was referring to his time overseas. She wondered, should she use the opening to try and make sense of what Mouse had shared with her that day they were locked in the dark office together? What did she have to lose? 

"Putting a roof on a cabin is no small job." Erin tried to keep her voice casual but Jay looked up from his plate with a knowing stare. Already he knew what she was after. Erin decided to just come out with it. They didn't play games with each other, never had, so why now? If he shot her down so be it. "Remember the club we broke into with Mouse? Remember the place locked down and Mouse and I were stuck in the office?"

Jay nodded but frowned, "Mouse doesn't do well in small dark spaces, ironic I know, given his nickname." 

Erin smiled, "he was nervous for sure. He talked a bit about Afghanistan." She paused and tried to gage Jay's reaction. As she suspected his face went blank, erasing any emotion from sight, he was shutting down. He looked over at the fire and watched the flames dance for a moment then put down his plate and turned back to look at her. 

"Erin, Mouse and I, what happened there, It didn't, we," Jay sighed. He couldn't seem to find his words. "We went through the same events but it was like we didn't, you know? Mouse, he can't do what you and I do Erin. Once the guns start firing and the shit hits the fan, Mouse, he shuts down. He's back there in the shit storm and it fucks with his head." He paused looking for the right words. "I don't need to tell old stories, I don't need to talk things through, I'd rather not actually. It was fucked up. There are things I wish I hadn't seen. Maybe things I wish I hadn't done. People I wish I could have protected better. But we did what we had to do to try and make things right, to try and stay alive. And that's it. I live with that."

"But you struggled. You told me you did."

"Yeah, with coming home." He was quiet for awhile looking at the fire. He massaged his forehead with his finger tips. A sure sign that this whole conversations was uncomfortable for him. "After awhile I came up here to get away from everyone. To be alone. Dealing with people was hard. And mom was gone, and I felt so guilty facing the families of....." His voice cracked and he shook his head not able to let that thought play all the way through. "I loaded the car up with beer and some clothes and figured I'd sit up here and drink it away." Again he paused. "But there was a storm, like this one, and the water was getting in the roof. So in the morning I climbed up there. The whole thing was rotten. So I started ripping it off and replacing it all. Then after that the dock needed repairing, and then the boat needed to be sanded and refinished and then Nana's gardens were over grown. And before I knew it the whole summer was gone and I hadn't been successful in drowning in my guilt, in fact staying busy and working my ass off helped me tune it out and there was nothing left to fix and I had no money left. I didn't know what to do with myself and I felt it all closing in again. Then Mouse turned up." Jay shrugged. "And now I'm here." 

Erin knew a hell of a lot more had happened in between what Jay wasn't sharing. Something must have happened to get Jay to change his mind and face civilization once again, to make him decide to be a cop, but she let it go. She understood sometimes you could only offer small pieces of the story. Besides she had a pretty good idea of what the journey from being lost and drowning in guilt to showing up everyday looked like. And she heard what he said about preferring not to tell stories. She could respect that. She had her own list of stories she never wanted to tell. 

"Your turn," Jay announced. 

"What?" Jay knew Erin was still digesting what he had shared, in fact he was surprised he'd shared it. Talking, especially about the past, was not his thing. But he remembered their argument in the hallway of his apartment and how she felt he never opened up to her. He also knew she'd put a lot of work into being more open with him. He'd just dropped a lot on her and and she wasn't ready for the spotlight to be turned on her but he needed to know how she was doing. There was no sense bringing her up here to heal if she was just gonna fall apart once she got back to the city. And since she was in the mood for deep conversation he was going to take full advantage. 

"I've let you avoid it for two days now but I need to know."

"Know what?" 

"Yates." He watched her carefully at the mention of that name. 

"Oh," Erin's face contorted as if she was trying to take stock. "He deserved it." She said, looking him straight in the eye. 

"I'm not questioning that, no one who loved Nadia is." He reassured her. "I just want to know how you're doing with it. How you're doing with what he did to you."

"Jay, I'm okay. Nothing happened. I mean nothing you and Hank are freaking out about happened. Honestly I just want to put it behind me. I know what I did won't bring Nadia back but..." Erin shrugged. 

"I get it, I do." He reassured her. She nodded. 

Another boom of thunder and crack of lighting sliced through the silence. "We're not gonna float away like Noah's ark or something are we." Erin chuckled. 

Jay laughed. "Nah, we're good." He wanted to let her off the hook and move on but there was one more thing he needed from her. "Erin, look, I'm not gonna hound you but I need to know you're okay. I can't watch you slip again. You're too important to me."

"I know, I'm sorry." She averted her eyes. 

He didn't want her to feel guilty anymore. She did what she felt she had to do and he could forgive that, he'd once been in that place too. "I don't want your apologies but I do want a promise."

"A promise?" She sounded doubtful. 

"You promise you'll come to me if things start to get overwhelming or you need to talk. No more keeping it to yourself. No more going it alone." He held his breath. Jay wasn't sure Erin was ready to make this kind of promise. But he needed it. He needed to be able to trust her completely again, as his partner, as the person he cared most for. 

"I have one condition." Jay braced himself, he'd no idea what she had up her sleeve but she wasn't saying no outright either so he waited for her to continue. "You promise the same." He wasn't sure what he expected her to say but it wasn't this. He thought about what she was asking for a moment. Could he do what she was asking? The answer came quicker and easier than he expected. 

"Agreed."

"Really?" 

"Really."

They stared at each other intently, binding each other to their promise then Erin slid towards Jay. His hand instinctively came up and cupped her cheek. She smiled up at him and he felt his lips curl up in response. She pushed herself up and kissed his lips, sealing their pact. As she pressed her lips against his he felt the air around them charge. She leaned into him more, laying her hand on his chest for support. He wrapped his arm around her and deepened the kiss, their promises turning to passion. 

Abruptly Jay pulled back. "We shouldn't do this" he breathed out. 

"What? Why?" Erin sounded crushed, he rushed to reassure her. 

"Because you're still in pain. I don't want to hurt you."

Erin smiled. "Jay, you would never hurt me." 

He hesitated, unsure if her body was ready but his heart swelled at her faith in him. He knew that kind of trust, especially in a man, didn't come easy for her. Erin climbed onto his lap twirling her fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. Involuntarily his eyes closed. God her touch felt so good. "You're sure?" He asked. She bit her lip and nodded, her eyes danced with mischief. Jay threaded his fingers through her hair and pulled her lips back to his. 

Their kiss communicated more than any words they'd ever spoken but it wasn't enough for Jay. He was consumed with a need to heal her, to undo all the damage Yates had done to her petite body, remove all the pain Yates drowned her heart in these last months. 

Jay lifted Erin carefully and lay her on the couch beneath him. Quickly and carefully he removed her clothes and then his own, he reached for the quilt on the back of the couch and pulled it around them. Slowly he ghosted soft kisses over the bruising on her cheek, trailing more kisses down and across her jaw, then throat and softly down the angry gash between her breasts. He felt her quickening heart beat under his lips. Her hands tangled in his hair. His name was a whispered gasp escaped from her lips. His hands tenderly caressed her soft skin, praying his touch could heal her and absolve her of her guilt. 

Time stood still as he made love to her, paying special attention to each of her wounds, the rain wind and fire their soundtrack, cocooned in the quilt. 

The intensity of Jay's ministrations overwhelmed Erin and as she drew closer to the edge of release she couldn't contain the flood of emotion. His touch was so gentle, so loving. He seemed to be trying to reach into her soul and help soothe all the battered and bruised parts. She didn't understand how or why he cared so much about what happened to her, about her, but now that she had experienced this kind of nurturing and acceptance she didn't want to be without it. As she tipped over the edge she was unaware of her tears. Jay held her close, breathless, but without placing his full weight on her. Even in his most primal state he put her first. 

His cheek brushed against hers and his head suddenly jerked up. "Sweetheart what's wrong? You're crying. Are you in pain? Did I hurt you? Shit, Erin, I'm sorry" in his dismay he tried to sit up off her but Erin tightened both her arms and legs around him and shook her head. 

"Don't. Please" was all she managed to whisper. Jay shifted his weight slightly to make sure he wasn't putting pressure on her ribs but stayed in her embrace. He ran his hand over her hair and down her cheek wiping her tears away. He placed gentle kisses on her forehead and eyes. 

"Talk to me." 

"I'm fine. I'm good. I'm sorry. It" her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "It was just intense." He smiled softly at her. 

She braced herself for the teasing or to hear a typical male egotistical remark about how good his performance was but he placed his lips against hers and murmured "me too."

The soft kisses continued as they came down from their shared high and Erin released her hold on Jay allowing him to shift onto his side next to her. She turned her body towards his so she could lay in his embrace and he recovered them with the quilt. 

"Ok?" He asked. 

"Yeah, you?"

"Perfect." 

"Yeah." A dreamless sleep came quickly for them both.


	26. Chapter 26

"Ready to go?" Jay's voice intruded on her thoughts. She was sitting on the stairs leading off the back deck, taking in the view of the river and surrounding forest one last time. Their short visit to the cabin had been good for her, for them. It was the first time they'd ever spent more than a few hours alone without work intruding on them and they'd taken full advantage of the time…...

 

Erin had found the old photo albums Jay had mentioned on the drive up and poured over them. He was an adorable kid. She teased him mercilessly about his freckles and having been an alter boy. 

The only awkward moment had come when Jay had threatened to tease her back when he saw pictures of her as a child. The amusement had faded from her face instantly. "I don't think there are any" she'd said sadly. "I don't ever recall there being a camera, and god knows there weren't a lot of happy occasions to take pictures of. I don't remember ever having a birthday party even. Plus we moved so much and sometimes in a hurry. I can't see Bunny packing photo albums in her mad dash to get away from her latest abusive drunken ass of a boyfriend."

She watched as Jay shifted uncomfortably, not knowing how to respond. This was part of the reason she didn't like to share. It wasn't kind to burden someone with her past and it made her feel different, an outsider. "Erin, I..."

"It's okay" she'd said trying to let him off the hook. 

"No, Erin it's not. Nothing that woman put you through is even remotely close to being okay." He'd answered, his eyes a mix of anger and sadness. She was learning to appreciate Jay's protectiveness and compassion and she was glad she didn't see any pity in his eyes. She had no space for pity in her life. It made her feel more worthless than any of her mother's low life boyfriends ever had. "We don't have to look at these pictures anymore if it's too uncomfortable for you," he'd offered. 

"Are you crazy!" She'd exclaimed "I love this, I'm finally getting to hear about your childhood, your family, plus I've got some great stories to hold over your head the next time I need to blackmail you." Erin laughed. 

"Yeah okay, maybe I don't want you looking at anymore pictures," he tried to grab the album out of her hands but she scooted out of his reach. It quickly escalated into a game of cat and mouse which ended with them spending the rest of the evening playfully making love…..

 

The deck boards shifted and Jay came to sit next to her. "Hey, what are you smiling at?" 

"Nothing in particular." She lied. Jay wanted to make Chicago by dinner time and there was no way they'd be leaving soon if she told him she was thinking about how good his hands felt on her body. "Just taking in the view before we go." A smug smile spread across Jay's face. "What?" 

Jay chuckled. "I knew you'd love it here." Erin rolled her eyes. She did but she wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of saying it out loud, so she shrugged. Jay laughed. "You won't admit it." 

"Admit what?"She asked, innocently batting her eyelashes. 

Jay shook his head at her stubbornness. "But you feel better right?" 

"Yeah, I do." She said, smiling at him. Erin turned back to look at the water again. 

Jay elbowed her arm gently. "We can come back you know, whenever you want." 

She nodded without taking her eyes off the water. "I'd like that." 

He stood, then offered a hand to help Erin up. She took it and came to her feet. Erin still felt stiff and sore but the pain backed off a bit more each day. She suspected Hank would have her on desk duty as long as he could tolerate her complaining. She intended to complain a lot. She wanted to get back to work. Back to normal. Whatever that meant now.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, the next several chapters started out as a one shot request from a good friend on Tumblr and a paragraph I spit out and posted on tumblr after watching PD 3 17. As I wrote it I realized how well it fit in with the themes of Aftermath and the development of Linstead's relationship. So if you haven't watched 3 17, these next few chapters will deal with events that happened immediately before, off screen during, and immediately after that episode. Hopefully it will all flow nicely with the rest of Aftermath. Hope you enjoy and thanks once agin for all the amazing reviews, PM's, messages and one shot requests!

Erin lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. She snuck a glance at the alarm clock to check the time. 11:30pm. She'd already been laying here an hour and sleep wouldn't come. Her mind kept playing out imaginary scenarios of all the things that could go wrong. 

She tried to clear her head, focus on something positive. She thought back a few months to her time at the cabin with Jay. A few months. How had it been that long ago already? But she knew the answer. 

Work. 

They'd been blasted with one high profile case after another, one heartbreaking story after another for the last few months. The entire team had been through the ringer lately. She should be exhausted, sound asleep right now, snuggled up against Jay's warm body. She'd become too used to sleeping next to him. They rarely spent a night apart since returning from the cabin. But instead she was laying here staring at the ceiling imagining all the things that could go wrong on Jay's new side job. She smacked her hand down hard on the bed. So much for visualization techniques, she muttered to herself. 

She needed to do something to calm her fears. Something to ease her mind. She understood why he'd taken the second job. She trusted him. She knew he was highly skilled and vigilant. She knew that better than anyone. But she didn't know his partner... The person who was doing her job right now, watching his back. THAT was the root of her fear. Who was this Terry? Jay seemed to really like him. That meant something, Jay was a great judge of character. But it wasn't enough to satisfy Erin's fears. Would he do whatever was necessary to protect Jay? It was time to get the answer to that question, she needed to put her mind at ease so she could sleep. 

Erin threw back the covers, climbed out of bed and dressed quickly. She grabbed her keys and headed out to her car, formulating an excuse on the way. Coffee. She'd bring them coffee. What person in their right mind working a night shift wouldn't be open to someone bringing them good free coffee? 

/

Jay walked up and down the perimeter of the plant nursery checking again that everything was secure. If he was being honest the job was boring, especially in comparison to his day job but the pay was worth it and with the cases he dealt with at work there was nothing wrong with a little boring in his life. His boss had just left for the evening but not before stopping to make sure Jay had everything he needed. 

Brianna. 

Now there's a woman he hoped Erin would never meet. To be fair, Brianna treated her employees well but Erin would see through her facade straight to her intentions to make her relationship with Jay much more than professional. True, Erin had nothing to worry about, he wasn't interested in Brianna, but he needed this job so he side stepped her advances, occasionally tripping over his tongue in an effort to evade her without offending her. 

"Jay," Terry's voice barked through on the radio attached to his hip.

"Yeah what's up?"

"Security cameras out front show a 300 just pulled in to the lot. Tiny brunette got out... Looks like she's carrying a try of what I hope is coffee. Please tell me it's someone you know?"

Jay smiled. Erin. "Yeah, sounds like my partner, let her in I'll be right there." He finished his sweep of the nursery and made his way to the security office. He was kind of surprised actually that it had taken her this long to check out his side job. Jay was just thankful Brianna was gone for the evening. 

When he entered the office Erin was perched on the edge of a desk holding a coffee and making small talk with Terry. 

"Hey man! She brought coffee, good stuff too!" Terry held up his coffee as evidence. 

Jay smiled "Hey," 

"Hey yourself, figured you could use this." Erin offered Jay the remaining cup from the tray on the desk.

"Thanks." He scanned her up and down. She was dressed more casually than she was at work this afternoon when he'd left. "You end up working late after all?" 

"No, pretty much left a few minutes after you." She didn't offer more. They stared each other for a minute, then Jay chuckled. Erin ducked her head before returning her attention to Terry. 

She had totally come to check out his side job and she knew he knew. He could call her on it but he knew his partner, knew she'd point out that if rolls were reversed he'd be doing the same and she would be right. So he sat back in his chair and watched as Erin made "small talk" with Terry, sizing him up to see if he met her standards for a suitable partner. 

He couldn't blame her, they'd spent the last three years being responsible for each other. It was hard to trust someone new with that job. But he'd told her this gig was low risk, that Terry was more than experienced, that he'd felt comfortable working with him, that everything here was run professionally. Besides, Mouse had been the one to design the security system. He kept his thoughts to himself though. Then his phone buzzed with a reminder. "Hey, time to walk to perimeter again. Wanna come with and see the place?" 

"I should probably get going. I didn't mean to keep you from your job."

"Come with me, I'll walk you to your car after." 

"Ok" Erin said good bye to Terry and left the office with Jay. They walked along, Jay pointing out different parts of the building as they went, Erin nodding silently. 

"Everything ok?" Jay asked. 

"Yeah why wouldn't it be?" 

"Because if I had to put money on it I'd say you were home, maybe even ready for bed, before you decided to bring me coffee," he cocked an eyebrow at her. 

Erin shrugged. "Yeah well, you know." 

"Had to meet him for yourself huh?" 

"Something like that." She smiled apologeticly. "You mad?" 

"No. If I'm being honest I'd probably do the same. Feel better?" 

"Yeah, I do." 

"Good. There's nothing to worry about Erin." They finished Jay's checks and he walked her to the 300. "Everything else ok?"

"Yeah, of course." 

"That's too bad, was hoping you were cold and lonely without me." He teased. 

She laughed. "Something like that." Jay's ego did not need to hear that she'd missed him sleeping beside her. 

He leaned down to kiss her goodbye. "Thanks for the coffee." 

"You're welcome," she said, stealing another kiss. 

"We still on for lunch tomorrow?" 

"Of course. But take your time. Go home and get some rest first. I've got some stuff to take care of in the morning."

"Okay, I'll text you when I wake up." 

"Okay," Erin climbed in the car and drove away thinking about Terry. She liked him. He seemed like a good guy and like he knew how to handle himself. Erin felt some relief but deep down she knew no matter how good anyone else was at their job, she'd never be okay with things jumping off and Erin not being the one at Jay's side.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys your reviews make me so happy! Thank you so much. This process, learning to write has been so enjoyable for me. I love getting inside people's heads and figuring out what makes them tick. Erin and Jay fascinate me. They are complex, passionate, strong willed and broken all at the same time. I was just telling a friend, the whole premis of Aftermath for me is Erin's recovery and Erin learning to trust, learning to let love into her life, coming to peace with Nadia's death and looking in the mirror and not seeing Bunny anymore. somewhere along the way I "fell in love" with Jay and realized he's on a very similar journey to Erin and what would it look like if they began to trust one another and decide to take this journey together.? (And oh ya, an overwhelming need for this man's backstory) As much as I try to stay true to their characters as portrayed in season one and two I have a need to let them grow and change as we all do in our own lives. I'm certainly no award winning writer, I've read some of the fanfic on here... You all are amazing and I'm very honoured to be in your company and grateful you think My words are interesting enough to read. Love and thanks to everyone!

Erin shook her head at herself and looked up from her desk. She spied Mouse across the bullpen, head bent over his keyboard. He looked up when he felt her eyes on him and offered her a small smile. This had become an unspoken routine between them and Erin didn't know if it made them pathetic or sweet. It was Saturday. They should be off, doing their own thing, enjoying their moment of down time. But instead they'd both made excuses of having paperwork to finish so they could be here. Near the scanner. Listening. Hoping they'd hear nothing. 

As usual Hank was hold up in his office, Erin doubted he spent much time anywhere else since there was no longer anyone at home needing his attention. If he knew why Erin and Mouse where here he said nothing. She'd expected some choice remark about it but Hank hadn't even raised an eyebrow. He'd just muttered something about the ivory tower needing too many damn reports before settling behind his desk. 

Truth of the matter was she still couldn't feel completely comfortable with Jay's side job. Sure she'd met Terry and got a good vibe off him. Sure she'd seen how professional the operation was but her stomach still flipped when Jay would casually drop that it was his turn to do the bank run. She knew Jay would take every precaution and that it was likely a low risk run but this was Chicago and they did move a high volume of cash on a regular basis. So here she sat trying to focus on her reports while the scanner hummed low in the background hoping she'd never hear his voice over it. 

Less than an hour later her worst nightmare came to life. At first she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. But it was his voice. She'd know it anywhere, even over the distorted scanner. And the panic in it, the adrenaline causing him to practically shout his sos call had her heart pounding out of her chest and her lungs incapable of drawing air. She barely registered his words. "....Taking heavy fire......man shot.....shots fired!! Shots fired!!" 

Mouse looked up at her and they locked eyes. Jay's words had the same affect on him. Hank appeared in his doorway, phone to his ear. Erin moved to grab her coat. "No." Hank ordered. 

"Hank," she pleaded. He raised his finger to silence her while he barked Jay's location and situation into his phone telling whoever he was speaking to to get there quick. Erin's legs wouldn't let her stay still. She started moving to the stairs, unable to wait for Hank to shut her down again. 

"Lindsay, get back here" he practically shouted at her. It was the Sargent tone rather than his volume that stopped her. "I need you here. I need you to start pulling together everything you know about this side job." 

"But Hank, he's MY partner." Erin's heart was still beating out of control. She needed to get to him. It was her that was supposed to be by his side when things jumped off. She knew exactly how he'd move, exactly how to cover him, keep him safe. Hank didn't back down. "So help him by doing your job." He said forcefully. "He was on a bank run right?" 

"Yes." 

"So it's likely they've been jumped and robbed." Erin nodded. Hank turned to Mouse, "Start scanning all the camera footage in the area. And call in the rest of the team." Mouse stared at him. "Mouse!" Hank said more forcefully. 

Mouse jerked out of his trance. "Yes sir, got it." Erin's heart was in her throat. Jay was taking fire, heavy fire he had said, and she wasn't there to back him up. Already she knew one of the security team was down. What if something happened to Jay. Erin had a sudden urge to vomit. A hand squeezed her arm. She looked down to see Mouse looking at her. "He'll be okay. It's Jay. He knows what he's doing. We'll have him back here soon." Mouse tried to reassure her but he didn't sound convinced himself. Erin nodded and set to work gathering information, trying to ignore the shake in her hands and the feel of her heart thumping out of her chest. 

It seemed like years had past by the time she got Al's text that Jay was actually ok, physically anyway, and they were headed into the district. He'd also let her know it was Terry who had been hit. Erin's heart ached. Jay had mentioned he was married and they were expecting. She knew Jay was going to feel responsible for him so she'd called Med to see if there was any update and to let them know to contact Intelligence as soon as they had any information on Terry's condition. 

She hadn't accomplished much else, too wrapped up in her worry, but she had managed to contact the business owner, Brianna, and she was on route to the district. Erin left what she was doing and headed down to the roll up to wait for them. There was no sense pretending she'd get something else done. She wanted, no needed, to see him the minute he walked in. She paced back and forth across the concrete floor as the minutes ticked by slowly, taking deep breaths trying to surpress her rattled nerves and the emotion that threatened to burst through. She would not cry. Jay didn't need a distraught woman hanging off him. He needed his partner and that's what she was going to be. She stopped and leaned against the wall, the cool concrete grounding her. Finally she heard the click of the door. And despite her promise not to, she pushed off the wall and walked straight into his arms.


	29. Chapter 29

Erin sat in the pew holding his hand. His grief was palpable. A living thing she felt like she could reach out and touch. It tore her insides apart. Her heart broke for him and for Terry's wife. Two days ago this woman had been revelling in the joys of finding out she and her husband were expecting a boy. Today she was saying goodbye to the man her son would never meet. 

Erin tried to keep her emotions in check. She'd been doing that since she heard Jay's voice over the scanner. She understood her role here, to support him. To sit quietly by Jay's side and be his rock. Just like he'd done for her so many times before. She owed him this, but more importantly she wanted to be this for him. 

She snuck another glance up at him. Her mind had difficulty reconciling this man in full dress uniform with the one she knew, always in blue jeans and a hoody. The uniform gave his past life. Something tangible that she wanted to know about but it was also something she couldn't bring herself to imagine. She had small glimpses now and then of who he might have been in that place but looking at him now, dressed to honour his friend, reminded her that she knew very little about Jay's life as a soldier. Deep down she knew he'd never be able to fully share that part of him with her. But she was beginning to be okay with that. She thought about her own journey. There were definitely things she couldn't share with anyone. Not even with Jay, the person she now trusted more than anyone, even Hank.

She felt a million miles away from him right now, even though he maintained a firm grasp on her hand. He had barely held it together since the robbery. She knew at some point he would need to break down and submit to his grief. She hoped that she could be there for him and hoped she knew how to be there for him. 

Erin looked again across the isle at Terry's wife and was struck by how lucky she was, having Jay here beside her. She immediately felt guilty for her luck. Things could change so fast and without warning. This woman and her unborn son would carry a lifetime of loss. It could have been Jay that was shot. Erin couldn't let her mind go there. She couldn't be his partner, the partner he needed, if she was going to start worrying about all the what ifs. There was a price to having a personal relationship with the person who put their life on the line for you everyday. Erin closed and then opened her eyes. These careening thoughts were getting her no where and this wasn't the time or place to be thinking about her own feelings. 

Erin returned to the district after the service and wake. Jay was planning on meeting Mouse afterwards and although he'd invited her to tag along she knew Jay and Mouse needed their time together, their common history helping them grieve. Jay had said he would swing by the district afterwards and they'd have dinner together. She was encouraged by his want to spend time with her. 

A short while after she'd settled in, Hank had sent her across town to follow up on a case they were working with another unit and it was late by the time she pulled into the parking lot at the 21st. She had sent Jay a text over an hour ago letting him know she'd be out for a bit but her screen still showed no reply from him. Although she spied his car parked in its usual spot so she assumed he'd be in the district somewhere. Erin decided to enter through the roll up and make her way up from there looking for him. 

When she located him her heart shattered into a million peices. He sat on the cold concrete floor back against the lockers, head hung between his knees shoulders shaking as sobs erupted from him. She wanted to run to him and wrap him up in her arms. But she didn't want him to shut down, shut her out. So she moved slowly, cautiously. 

When she was near she squatted down in front of him and gently said his name. There was no response. She wasn't sure he'd heard her. She placed a hand on his knee "Jay" she said again. He didn't look up. The sobs still racked him. She moved her hand to his shoulder and rocked onto her knees. Slowly she ran her hand back and forth across his shoulder blade. 

Without warning his hands came up to grip her waist and pulled her to him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders cradling his head to her neck. He squeezed her to him a little too tightly but Erin didn't care. He was using her for comfort instead of pushing her away. At that thought she had a flash of how Jay must have felt all those months ago when she's all but cut him out of her life when Nadia was murdered. She stroked the back of his head while he cried, placed gentle kisses in his hair. 

She couldn't form words. His grief overwhelmed her. Jay was a passionate man she knew. His anger she'd seen many times as his partner. His affection she revelled in daily but these emotions, regret, grief, helplessness he'd never let her see, she doubted there were many people who had ever seen this side of him. But she did understand this kind of grief. She did understand the sense of responsibility Jay felt for this man. 

After another moment Jay took some slow shuttered breaths. Eventually he lifted his head and gave her a sad almost embarrassed smile. "I know I promised dinner out but would you be okay with take out?" She heard the apology in his voice, one that wasn't necessary. She smiled back at him and ran her hand over the five o'clock shadow forming on his jaw. 

"Take out sounds perfect, let's go home." They helped each other stand and headed out, side by side.


	30. Chapter 30

The drive to pick up dinner and back to her apartment was a silent one. Not many words were exchanged over dinner either, instead they stared at the tv while they ate. Exhaustion had finally set in for Jay. They'd gone to bed shortly after and thankfully his body had been too tired to let his mind keep him awake. 

But not for long. He couldn't sleep so he'd come out to the living room to watch tv but instead he found himself staring at the letter, Terry's letter from the police academy. Again. He hadn't fought Voight on the week off because he knew better then to argue with that look in his eyes. Even Erin didn't argue when he looked like that. But he was pissed. What the hell was a week off supposed to do? He'd rather be at work focused on cases where he could maybe do some good then sitting here feeling helpless and not being able to change a damn thing that happened. 

Movement from the bedroom doorway caught his eye. Erin moved slowly towards him. Hesitant. Like she didn't want to intrude. She had the right idea. He was in horrible head space and he didn't want to take it out on her. He shouldn't have come over but he craved her closeness. 

"You doing okay?" She asked quietly. 

"Yeah. I'm fine." She nodded knowingly and carefully sat on the edge of the couch beside him, her eyes never leaving his face. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Nothing to be sorry for. I just wanted to check on you. This can't be easy. I wish there was more I could do."

"You've done more than enough Erin. Thank you." She shrugged but still looked at him probing. 

"What's that?" Erin asked, jerking her chin towards the paper in Jay's hands. He closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to think about it let alone talk about it. He didn't want to give voice to everything that swarmed in his head. But his mind jumped back to the spring and how desperate he was to just have Erin talk to him. Let him in. Let him be there for her. And he remembered the promise they'd made each other at the cabin. The truth was he wasn't ok. Not even close. He stared at the paper in hands. He wasn't sure what to say. Words wouldn't come. Reluctantly he handed it to her and watched her as she read it over. Her eyes went wide with surprise and when she looked up at him he could see the heartbreak in them. 

"I just...." Just what? He didn't even know. He bent his head forward and ran both hands through his hair, resting his elbows on his knees. Her warm hand rested on his back. 

"I'm here Jay. I wish there was something more I could offer than that. Something I could do or say that would make this easier." 

Jay shook his head. "There isn't. But thank you." Her hand made small circles on his back, meant to be soothing he was sure, but the sensation only made him feel more raw. How dare he. How dare he sit here feeling sorry for himself when a wife was grieving for her dead husband. When a child was about to grow up without his father. And it was all his fault. "I should have..." Should have what? "I knew something was off... If I had just..."

"Jay," Erin admonished softly. "You did your best. It's not your fault."

His head snapped up, forcing Erin's hand to fall from his back, and his anger took over. "How do you know, you weren't there!" He barked at her. He immediately regretted it when he saw the hurt cross her face but she recovered quickly. 

"I don't need to be there to know that Jay. I know you. I know how you are in those situations. You would have done your best to keep everyone safe."

"Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he just stay put? We needed to move together. Why the hell was Keith ducking?" Jay angrily asked one unanswerable question after another. Erin didn't bother trying to answer. They both knew there was no answer. She just placed her hand on his knee. He sat back against the couch and looked up at the ceiling. "How did I let this happen?" 

Erin moved to straddle his lap. She placed a hand on either side of his face and pulled his head forward until he was looking at her. "You didn't Jay. This isn't your fault."

"Isn't it?" He bit out. 

"No" she answered forcefully. "Loosing your friend hurts, I get that, but you are not responsible for his death." He closed his eyes. Her words fell off of him. He didn't believe her. 

"The worst part. Having to look at her tell, her I'm sorry. That its my faul her husband isn't coming home. My fault her baby doesn't have a father. I've never been good at that part, telling a wife her husband's dead and I couldn't prevent it from happening." He shook his head and dropped his forehead to her shoulder. 

No more words would come. They didn't need to. Erin knew. She could feel the anxiety and helplessness coming off him. She kissed the side of his head gently, repeatedly, tears forming in her eyes. What could she say? What could she do that would make this better for him? Nothing. Nothing but stay here holding him as long as he'd let her. 

He lifted his head and looked at her, regret on his face when he spied her tears. Gently he wiped them away with his thumb. She placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Then they rested their foreheads against each other, hands cupping faces. Their breathing falling into rhythm. He kissed her softly again and moved to tuck her head into his neck. Erin slid one hand down to rest on his chest the other wrapping around his back. Jay leaned his head back against the sofa and let out a long slow breath. 

"Thank you for letting me be here. I, this, it's like coming home all over again. That didn't go so well for me. You.... This," he tightened his embrace. He didn't know how to put into words what she did for him. She somehow grounded him. Calmed the panic. Held the anxiety at bay. He knew if he could just tether himself to her for a little while maybe he could get through this part. 

Erin lifted her head. She waited until he was looking at her and then ran her hand through his hair. "I got you," she whispered. His left hand stroked up her back to the back of her head he laced his fingers through her hair. Understanding passed between them. She somehow understood the words he couldn't give voice to. She somehow knew what he needed. Through this whole thing she'd been quiet strength at his side. No questions, no telling him how to handle things, even when he'd lost control she didn't pass judgment on him. She simply waited for him decide to come to her. 

They sat in silence for awhile, Erin resting her head on his shoulder, Jay absentmindedly playing with her hair. When he spoke again his jumbled thoughts left his head without filterIng. "When I think about his wife. The look on her face. Her loss. It's too much. It's not fair. She lost her husband, the father of her baby. She loved him so much. I just wish I could give that back to her. I don't know, trade places I guess." Erin felt a crushing pain hit her chest. She got up of Jay's lap abruptly and turned quickly from him so he wouldn't see how much his statement hurt her. 

She moved to the sink and started cleaning the dishes left from their dinner but her vision blurred with tears. Desperately she tried to regain her composure. She didn't want Jay to know just how much his words stung. 

This is why she shouldn't care. This is why she kept her walls up. Why she never let anyone in. Had loosing Nadia not taught her anything? It hurt too much. Jay was an amazing man. Selfless. Caring. He put others first. He'd sacrifice his own life to save someone else. They didn't make them more honourable than that. But the idea of losing him... The fact that he would sacrifice himself without thought to how it would effect those that loved him? Yes, damn it, she loved him. But at what cost? 

"Erin? Hey?" Jay didn't get why what he said would make Erin get up and walk away like that. He was being honest, sharing his feelings, wasn't that what she wanted? Wasn't that what they'd agreed to? It wasn't easy but he'd made her a promise and he was trying to keep it. He came up behind her and called her name again but she didn't respond. What the hell? He though as he placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. 

The air left his lungs. Tears streaked down her cheeks. He reached to brush them away with his thumbs. She tried to move away but he had her blocked in against the counter "Erin, sweetheart," she avoided his attempts to look at her. "Erin, what's wrong? What did I do?" She shook her head but the tears still fell. She couldn't do this. She needed to get out before it was too late. She needed to save herself from the pain that loosing him would cause. 

"Please Erin talk to me." Again she tried to move away but Jay wouldn't budge. "You promised." He said more forcefully. "We promised to talk to each other. I've been trying to. I've told you exactly what's going on with me. Now you need to do the same." 

She took a shuttered breathe. He was right. She had promised. And tonight he'd opened up more than she imagined he would, more than he ever had. She closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing heart. After another long breath she tried to talk. "It's just." Her eyes closed again and she sighed. "It's just maybe you have someone who cares about you like that too." It was all that would come out. 

Jay was taken aback. Floored. He knew she cared about him but... This was no small admission. He looked at her. She looked terrified. Like she was ready to bolt. His fingers caressed her cheek as he moved to hold her face, making sure she was looking at him. "I feel the same way about you Erin."

Her eyes went wide, then glossed over with tears again. She bit her lip and nodded before hiding her face in his neck, arms sliding around his waste. He hugged her back and buried his face in her hair. "You're scared," he said into her hair. 

She nodded but didn't lift her head. "Terrified."

He pulled back and looked at her. "Me too." He admitted. "But I'm not going anywhere. This... me and you," he said pointing back and forth between them. "It's permanent. We can call it whatever you want, label it however you want, but it's me and you. Just me and you. Always." 

She smiled up at him, her hand skimming back and forth across his chest and nodded her agreement. She went up on her tip toes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "Always," she whispered back.


	31. Chapter 31

Erin glanced down from the mirror at the invitation on the bathroom counter. She smiled at the memory of receiving it. She had just walked in the front doors of the district when Platt called her. 

"Lindsay," Platt barked and motioned for her to approach the desk. Erin pivoted away from the stairs to intelligence and walked to the desk but Jay had scurried up the stairs. 

"Chicken" she muttered to him.

"Yup" he'd called back over his shoulder. 

"What's up Sarg?" Erin greeted Platt with a smile. She was one of the few people who knew with certainty the kindness that lay beneath Platt's no nonsense approach to managing this district. An approach that kept everyone on their toes and accountable. 

"Here" Platt all but shoved the envelop at Erin. Confused, Erin unsealed it and pulled out the stiff card inside 'you are cordially invited to celebrate the marriage of Trudy Platt to...:' Erin read. 

"You'd better be there" Platt warned, interrupting Erin's reading, "and your plus one better be Chuckles or you're on my shit list. And you'd better not tell him I said that or..."

Erin put her hand up to stop Platt's threat "I get it" she chuckled, "we'll be there. Thanks." she said, tucking the invite into her bag and turning to head up to the bullpen. 

"Oh Erin," Platt called after her, "you'd better be wearing a dress and a hot one at that." Platt's face was devoid of emotion but Erin could see the twinkle in Platt's eye and knew she was getting a thrill out of her demand. Erin expression twisted in resignation but she nodded her affirmation, then buzzed herself upstairs.

 

Jay's voice pulled her back to the present. "Hey, you just about ready to.... Holy crap!" Jay had popped his head into the bathroom and when he laid eyes on Erin his jaw dropped. "You look amazing!" 

Erin blushed and smoothed out the imaginary wrinkles on the front of her dress. "Thanks," she answered shyly. She stepped towards him and pretended to straighten his tie. "You don't look so bad yourself."

"Ready?"

"Yeah, let's go." Erin pushed past him and headed for the living room. If she let him see the desire in her eyes they'd never make it to the wedding. And while she didn't mind at all the idea of an evening spent in bed with her partner, they'd been doing a lot of that in the weeks since Terry's death, she knew Platt would never let her live down missing the wedding. 

"I still can't believe Platt is getting married," Jay shook his head in disbelief. 

"I think it's sweet." Erin shrugged. 

"It's something." Jay volleyed back. Erin playfully smacked his arm. 

"Behave." She warned. 

"What? Me? And risk the wrath of Platt? Not a chance." He chuckled on the way out the door. 

/

The ceremony had been sweet. Simple. And most importantly, short. Dinner had been good but with the formal part of the occasion done everyone was easing back in their chairs with their preferred poison firmly in hand, ready to drink and laugh the rest of the evening away. 

She felt a warm familiar hand touch her exposed shoulder and turned to smile up at Hank. He turned his hand upward in a come here motion. She raised an eyebrow at him teasingly but stood and took his hand. They moved to the dance floor and took a place among the dancers. Erin smiled remembering it had been Hank who had taught her to dance before her first formal private school functions. It was then when she began to realize some of what she'd been missing out on growing up without a father who gave a shit about her. 

"I'm surprised you showed." Hank mused as he lead his surrogate daughter around the dance floor. "Weddings aren't really your cup of tea."

"She threatened me." Erin dead panned. 

Hank tipped his head back and laughed. "We both know she'd never follow up on a threat with you."

"Wouldn't she?" Erin laughed back. "I don't know, it's kinda sweet. She deserves this you know? Besides all our friends are here and it's just Molly's."

"You going soft on me kiddo?" Hank goaded. 

"What! No. Oh no. You don't have to worry about that. They'll be no playing house in my future Sargent. We cleared that up long ago."

Hank laughed again. "Good to hear detective." He winked at her. "But you do seem happier."

Erin tilted her head to the side and contemplated. "Yeah, I guess I am." She tried to be nonchalant but Hank spotted the sparkle in her eye. He gave her a little squeeze and dropped a kiss on her forehead. 

"I'm glad." He said looking her straight in the eye. Erin smiled softly up at him. The song ended and he escorted her back to her friends. "Enjoy the rest of your evening detective." He said quietly, winking at her. Erin's cheeks blushed bright red. Oh God, she couldn't let her mind process the innuendo in his comment. 

"Have a nice daddy-daughter dance?" Jay teased as she sat down. 

She smacked him but nodded and glanced over her shoulder at Hank. He'd taken up residence at the bar between Chief Boden and Al. They were all laughing at something Hermann had said. Erin smiled. She loved seeing Hank like this. Of late his smiles had come few and far between, she was glad he was here with their family. 

"What do you think?" Jay's voice intruded on her thoughts.

"What? I'm sorry I wasn't listening." Erin apologized. 

"Apparently. Everything ok?"

"Oh, yeah. It's just nice to see him like this you know!"

Jay looked in Hank's direction and watched him laughing with the men at the bar. "Actually it's kinda weird to see him like this." Jay replied.

"Jay!" 

"What? It is. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen that man laugh out loud in three years," Jay mused. 

"I know. I wish you could see more of the Hank I know." 

"Yeah, I'm not sure that's ever going to happen. Papa bear there may be ok with me in his unit but he's not gonna let down his guard where his little girl is concerned." Erin rolled her eyes. "We're not really gonna sit here and talk about Hank all night are we?" Jay inquired, innuendo strong in his voice. Erin raised an eyebrow in warning. "I'm just saying, there's music, free alcohol, that amazing dress you're wearing..." Jay back peddled. 

Erin smiled. "What would you like to do Halstead?" He wiggled his eyebrows at her. She roared with laughter then leaned in close placing her hand on his chest. "Oh don't worry babe, I have plans to help you out of that fine suit later." Jay's eyes went wide and his mouth opened and closed. Erin leaned back in, "but if we leave now, Platt will have both our asses writing parking tickets for the next month." Jay's eyes closed and he let out a long resigned breath.

"You're right. I'll go order us another round of beers and we can go tease Ottis about growing his moustache back in." Jay winked at her and left to fill their drink order. 

"Huh, just when I thought I was gonna get asked to dance again." Erin grumbled softly. 

"Beautiful lady in need of a dance partner? Sounds like my kind of job." Erin looked up to see Kelley standing over her, bowing with mock grace and extending his hand towards her.


	32. Chapter 32

Jay returned from the bar to see Erin's seat empty. He glanced around the room looking for her and his eyes were drawn back to the dance floor, back to the whisps of hair that brushed her bare shoulders, back to the span of smooth skin exposed by the low back of her dress, back to the large tanned hand sprawled across that skin. 

His jaw tightened. He took a swig of beer while he watched them. And then another while he decide how he felt about her dancing with Kelly Severide and what he was going to do about it. If she wanted to dance so badly why didn't she just say so? He was her date after all. He was her boyfriend after all. Sure he wasn't much for dancing, but neither was Erin. It worked perfectly for them. Yet here she was back on the dance floor, again. 

Ok granted, Voight had instigated the first dance and as much as he teased her, it was nice to see him play the daddy card with her now and then. He was hard on her at work, she needed to feel his approval and affection now and then. 

This though? The second he turned his back Severide had swooped in. He wasn't completely surprised at Severide, the man got around. But Erin? First to except a dance from someone other than one of their "family" and second from her ex? It was very unlike her. 

"You gonna keep burning holes into his head or you gonna go get your girl?" A voice interrupted his thoughts. Jay turned his head to see Al, one hand casually in his pocket, the other swirling a glass of honey coloured liquid. 

"She looks happy enough." Jay replied, cooly. 

"Does she? Hmm." Al's cryptic comment annoyed Jay, but he looked back at Erin and her ex. Severide was jabbering on about something while Erin nodded and smiled. Jay tilted his head to the side and really examined Erin. Her posture was stiff, her smile guarded. She wasn't miserable, but she wasn't as content as he'd first though. 

Al put out his hand and nodded at Jay's beer "I'll look after that for a minute if you like." Jay passed him the beer and muttered his thanks as he moved towards the dance floor. 

Erin nodded dutifully while Kelly recounted a tale about how he and Casey had pranked third shift last week. It wasn't that she wasn't interested, Kelly was still a friend after all, and some of his stories were actually funny, it was that she'd realized in the few minutes between Jay leaving to go get drinks and dancing here with Kelly that to dance was not what she wanted. What she wanted was to dance with Jay. They'd never done that. It wasn't really either of their thing. But here, dressed up, celebrating with their friends, she wanted to experience what it felt like to dance with a man she truly had a connection with. She wanted to know what the movies made such a fuss over. 

She caught sight of Jay stalking towards them over Kelly's shoulder. He didn't look happy. Erin shifted uncomfortably, not sure how this encounter would go. Jay and Kelly had always been friendly but Erin felt awkward now. 

Jay stepped up beside Kelly and tapped him on the shoulder. "Mind if I cut in?" 

Kelly smiled his charming 'I don't have a care in the world' smile at Jay. "Sure man," he said, taking a step back from Erin. Kelly nodded and winked at her, then cut Jay a sly smile and made his way towards the bar. 

Erin raised a questioning eyebrow at Jay. He'd been rather cool in his approach and she didn't know what he was thinking, was he mad? 

"If you wanted to dance you should have said so." Jay said, placing his arm around her waist and taking her free hand in his. He began moving but Erin's feet didn't comply just yet. 

"Are there rules about who I'm aloud to dance with?" Erin inquired, irritation at Jay's sudden show of machoism creeping into her voice. 

"Yes, no, of course not, its just..." Jay felt trapped, like no matter what he said it would be the wrong thing. 

"Just what?" Erin's defensiveness started to take over. 

"I... He..." Jay stampered and became impatient with himself, fuelling his now foul mood further. 

"Spit it out Jay." 

"I would have been happy to dance with you if I'd know that's what you wanted. It's just I didn't think you enjoyed this sort of thing." He said matter of factly. 

Erin shrugged. "It's a wedding. It's what people do at weddings." Erin tipped her head to the side and evaluated Jay. "Are you jealous." Some amusement at the idea of Jay being jealous of Kelly took the edge off her irritation. 

He made a face at her. 

Erin smile. "Jay you've nothing to be jealous of, especially not Kelly. There nothing there." 

Jay cocked an eye. 

"You went to get drinks, he asked me to dance. I had no reason to say no." She said, giving more explanation then she felt necessary. Jay's face remained expressionless. "Are you actually gonna make a thing of this because I'd like to get off the dance floor if you are." Erin said becoming irritated again and beginning to step out of Jay's arms. 

That caught his attention. "No of course not. I'm sorry, I want to dance with you. Can we just dance?" 

Erin sighed. It was what she wanted too, after all, wasn't it? She didn't know. This hadn't been what she's had in mind. She didn't want to fight with Jay and she now felt awkward and exposed standing in the middle of the dance floor. This was all so new to her. She'd never been in this kind of relationship before and as far as she knew neither had Jay. Knowing there were rules around who she could and couldn't dance with and having to consider someone else's feelings all the time was daunting and frustrating. 

She decided to give it a shot, stepped back against Jay and allowed him to lead her but somehow the magic of the moment was lost. Her mind wandered and she imagined how she would have felt if she'd come back to find Jay dancing with another woman, someone he'd slept with in the past, and her mood soured. She didn't like the idea of feeling jealous. Things were so much better, so much less complicated when she didn't let her heart get involved. 

"Hey," Jay whispered against her ear, "Where'd you go?" 

She smiled half heartedly up at him. "I'm sorry." Jay gave her a confused look. "For that," she said jerking her head towards Kelly. 

Jay looked across the room at Severide. He stood, drink in hand, too close to a pretty woman Jay had never seen before. He was laughing and flirting with her. What Erin had ever seen in him Jay didn't know. The man moved from woman to woman faster than Jay could keep up with. But maybe that was the appeal. Jay certainly had his share of uncomplicated hook ups. And Erin was known for keeping her walls up. God knows it had taken forever to get her to let her guard down with him. 

He looked back at Erin and shook his head. "Don't worry about it." He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and he began drawing soft circles on the exposed skin near the base of her back. He felt her body relax against him and he smiled to himself. This dancing thing wasn't so bad after all. 

Jay was ripped from his contentment when an elbow landed square in his back, hard enough to send him stumbling forward and almost knocking Erin to the floor. He righted her then turned to see who had bumped into him. 

"Shit sorry man," Severide apologized, a little too loudly. Jay could see Severide was well on his way to drunk, but Jay's annoyance from earlier returned. 

"What the fuck Severide?"

"Hey I said I was sorry," Severide replied, raising his hands up in surrender. "We were just having a bit of fun," he added motioning to the woman next to him, the same one from the bar, "and we didn't see you there." 

Jay's jaw tightened. He'd had enough of Severide cutting in on his fun with Erin this evening.

"Jay," Erin's warm hand rested on Jay's forearm. "It's fine, we're good," she said to Kelly. "Jay, let's go get a drink, babe." Erin tugged on his arm. He pursed his lips and stared Severide down a moment longer before turning and escorting Erin to the bar. 

Erin ordered them drinks as Jay stood quietly staring back at Kelly. She became irritated again. Jay had managed to distract her with his soft caresses and she had a moment where she though maybe she could understand the appeal of dancing but then Kelly had come along and fucked it up again. She was suddenly tired and her feet hurt from squishing into her pumps. "You know what, I just want to go home." She announced. 

Jay whipped his head around, "What? Erin I'm sorry. Let's...."

"No." She said firmly. "I'm done. Let's go home."

Jay regretted loosing his temper and spoiling Erin's evening. It wasn't often they were able to go out on a night like this. But he knew better than to argue with her. He motioned for her to lead the way and they skirted past the other guests making their way to the exit without saying goodbye. 

They drove home in silence and for a moment Jay questioned whether he should follow Erin up to her apartment. She didn't seem very pleased with him, but he didn't want to leave things sour between them either. Jay decided to go up, at least to walk her to her door, and gage things from there. 

Once inside Erin kicked off her shoes and headed towards the kitchen. Jay slipped off his jacket and loosened his tie. He heard Erin in the fridge, likely retrieving a couple of beers, but he headed towards the stereo before he could second guess himself. He fiddled with the stations until soft music came on, adjusted the volume and walked over to Erin, extending his hand. She places his beer in his outstretched hand, the corner of her lip twitching. He smiled, unimpressed by her sass but took the beer she offered and the one she held for herself and placed them on the island behind her. He wanted to give this one more shot. 

Again he extended his hand towards her. "I'd like to finish our dance, uninterrupted." Jay's tone was soft and unsure, like he was asking her permission. He felt kind of foolish but he really did want to feel her body relax against him again, like it had those few moments before Severide had elbowed him. 

Erin looked between his hand and his face several times before accepting his hand and stepping forward. He moved them into a more open space and pulled her close. Without her high heals, Erin's head tucked just under his chin. He liked it there. He again began running his fingers over the smooth warmth of her back hoping she would relax as she had before. 

It worked. Erin's body pressed into his and he felt the tension in her shoulders dissipate. They swayed slowly, getting lost in their own rhythm. Jay's hand absently traveled up her spine, stopping to twirl his fingers in the loose strands of hair that ticketed her neck before slowly meandering back down the length of her back again. 

Erin felt goose bumps rise on her sink as Jay danced his finger tips up and down her spine. She turned her face into his neck and inhaled his scent, relaxing further. Her free hand played with the shirt button covering the dip in his throat. She remembered how earlier she wanted to undo his tie and slowly release each one of those buttons. She smiled at the idea then lost her train of thought as Jay's fingers twirled in her hair. Her eyes closed and she exhaled slowly. 

As his hand traveled back down her back she decided she couldn't take anymore. She lifted her head and began working to undo the knot of his tie. Jay looked down at her. 

"This needs to go." She whispered, determinedly. 

"Okay." 

Erin freed the knot and slipped the tie from his neck, dropping it carelessly to the floor. She then set to work on the buttons of his shirt. "This needs to go to." She stated flatly.

Jay smiled and placed both his hands on Erin's hips. When she had freed all the exposed buttons she pulled his shirt from his pants and continued until the shirt lay completely open exposing his chiseled abdominals. Erin slid her fingers up over each ripple and across his broad chest. 

Jay leaned his head against hers. She could feel his warm breath ticking her face. She peaked up at him, looking between his lips and eyes. She had no idea who moved to make contact first, but the kiss was scorching. 

As they explored each other's mouth Jay's hand returned to Erin's lower back, searching for the zipper on her dress. Once found he pulled it down slowly, exposing the lacy trim of her panties. His hands slid up the length of her back and undid the clasp of fabric at her neck. He inched back from her slightly and release his hold on the fabric. Erin's dress slipped down the length of her body and landed in a puddle on the floor.


	33. Chapter 33

He woke with a start. His breath came in shallow pants. It took him a moment to orientate himself, to realize it was just a dream. 

For the second night in a row Jay woke from a disturbing dream about Erin. They were walking along a cliff. Laughing at some stupid joke they shared when Erin suddenly turned to him with a sad smile. She let go of his hand and stepped off the edge of the cliff. He scrambled after her but she had disappeared by the time he leaned over to grab her. 

Jay cursed and pushed off the covers. He made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. It was a stupid dream, cliche. But he knew why he was having it. For the last two days Erin had been quiet, withdrawn. A sharp turn from the relaxed, playful mood she'd been in since Platt's wedding. 

Her birthday was less then a week away and he knew her thoughts had turned to last years events, Nadia's death, and whatever other events in her life had made her birthday a day she dreaded. Since he'd known her, Erin refused to celebrate her birthday, barely let anyone acknowledge it. He was anticipating this year would be harder for her. How could it not be now that it was tied to Nadia in such a traumatic way? But he'd be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed in her behaviour. She'd come so far this past year, they had come so far. They'd been more open and honest then either of them had ever been with anyone before. They trusted each other. And they'd promised to come to each other when things got tough. Yet here he was alone in his bed, again, while Erin retreated into herself.

He wanted to talk to her about it, remind her of her promise, remind her of his commitment to her, of her commitment to him, but every time he got a minute alone with her the words wouldn't come. He didn't know how to broach it without sending her running in the opposite direction. He was tired of having to hunt her down and drag things out of her. 

Jay placed his now empty water glass in the sink a little too forcefully and glanced at the clock on the stove.... Five am. He sighed and deciding there was no sense trying to sleep for an hour before his alarm went off, he headed to the bedroom to throw on some work out clothes in hopes a run would help him figure out how to deal with Erin. 

 

/

 

She swung hard. 

Her fist making contact with a loud thud. She pulled back, adjusted her stance and swung again. This time her right followed by her left. 

Again. 

She readjusted and swung again, harder. 

Right. 

Left. 

Right. 

Left. 

Everything around her faded out. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears. She stared ahead with laser focus. All the anger, animosity, regret and sorrow that had welled up since she's found that damn box in the back of her closet penetrating the dark blue bag in front of her. 

Right. Left. Right. Left. 

Harder. 

Faster. 

She bounced on the balls of her feet and pounded the bag until her arms were numb and she could no longer see through the tears that filled her eyes. 

Her breath hitched and she lost her rhythm. Her step faltered and her right fist missed its mark, sending pain radiating up her arm. She cried out at the pain and grabbed her arm, bending forward. Gasping for air she ripped off the glove of her injured hand and threw it across the gym. 

"Erin you ok kiddo?" Frank rushed over, his voice filled with concern. 

"I'm fine," she bit out between clenched teeth. 

"What did you do? Let me see?"

"I said I'm fine!" she yelled, turning away. She was embarrassed. Embarrass at such an amateur mistake. Embarrassed at the tears that wouldn't stop. 

His hand touched her shoulder. She shrugged it off and ran to the change room. She needed to leave. Needed to get out of here. Away from everyone, away from the memories. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face this again. 

She dropped to the bench in the change room, defeated and, elbows pressed to knees, head in hands, let the first sob escape. 

A mistake. 

Another followed and another. She couldn't catch her breath. She pressed one hand to her forehead, the other to her chest, trying to recover. She could feel the trembling in her arms. Her vision blurred. Her head pounded. Panic took over as air refused to fill her lungs. 

"Tesoro, easy," he said coming to kneel beside her. She tried to shrug Frank's hand from her back. She hated it when he called her that. She was not his sweetheart. Stupid old sexist Italian man. But he held firm. "No Erin. Don't fight. Just focus on your breath. Breathe in... out." She shook her head. She couldn't. "Yes Tesoro, you can. Breathe," he demanded. "In..... Out.... NOW!"

She remembered how much she hated him when Hank first brought her here. When he'd made her confront her demons and use the bag to force them to relent their hold on her. It was her 'therapy.' 

But it wasn't working now. The demons had a hold of her by the neck and were choking her. Taunting her, reminding her of how useless she was. How everyone she loved was bound to be hurt or taken from her. How she was nothing more then the sum of her father's rage and her mother's addiction. 

Bad news. 

She slammed her fist down on the bench beside her then yelped at the pain, having forgotten her injury. 

"Tesoro, stop this. Get out of your head. BREATH!!" Frank yelled, his voice bouncing off the lockers. 

Erin relented to his demands. What was the point in feeling? In the end it wouldn't make a difference. It wouldn't bring them back. Eventually her breathing slowed, punctuated by shuttered breaths as she tuned out the voices in her head. 

"Good, now let me see your hand." He demanded, more gently. 

"It's fine." She was still pissed at him for seeing her like this. For calling her pet names. He wouldn't fuss over one of the men in his gym like this. It didn't matter that he'd seen her like this before. It didn't matter that he knew she hated his belittling endearments. It suddenly didn't feel like fifteen years had passed since Hank had lead her through the gym doors. She felt small and worthless all over again. 

"It's not, give it to me." He took her arm by the elbow and examined her wrist. When he laid his fingers on her wrist she inhaled sharply.   
"You've sprained it, maybe a fracture. You need to see a doctor and also ice." He stated matter of factly. 

"It's fine," she said, yanking it out of his hand. "I need to get to work."

He laughed a deep bellow. "No way Voight lets you work with that. How you going to hold a gun hu? How you gonna shoot the bad guys?" 

He was teasing her. He never had taken her desire to be a cop seriously. It didn't matter she'd not only become a cop but made it into an elite unit. He still saw her as nothing more than an obstinate girl. "I'll manage." She replied flatly. 

He shook his head and cursed under his breath in Italian. Something about stubborn women, but she ignored him and began collecting her belongings from the locker. 

"Go to the hospital." Frank instructed. 

"No."

"I'll call Voight."

She spun on her heels. "You wouldn't dare."

"Really?" he smiled at her. "You want to test that."

She glared at him. She should have known he was a rat. Why had she come here? Why not just go to Antonio's gym? She knew why. She couldn't risk them knowing she was struggling again. They thought she was fine. They had no idea what her approaching birthday was doing to her. The memories, new and old, flooded her, reminded her she was unwanted, worthless and incapable of keeping those she loved from harm. Shelby, Karen, Nadia..... A sob threatened again. No one knew about Shelby. Why the hell had she opened that box? She held fast to her anger with Frank. It was safer. 

"Careful you make my head explode with those death looks," he chuckled. "Then who's gonna show you how to throw a decent punch, hu?"

Her cheeks reddened with anger. 

"Go to the doctor tesoro. You will thank me later." He said standing and leaving the locker room. 

She closed her eyes and sighed in frustration, "Like hell I will," She muttered. "And I'm not your sweetheart!" she screamed after him. She turned back to the locker, slamming the door as hard as she could. 

/

She watched the clientele as they crept in and out of the entryway. They'd enter, they're pain and suffering evident on their faces and in their gate, and exit sometime later, having acquired a fix for their suffering, stumbling, eyes clouded over and unfocused. It was surprisingly busy for this time of day. She apparently wasn't the only lost soul in Chicago seeking an escape from her pain this morning. 

As they shuffled past her parked car she catalogued their features, attire, demeanour. This kind of observation had become second nature to Erin over the last decade, and she found it calming. If she was focused on them, she couldn't focus on the noise in her head. 

Unfortunately her refuge was interrupted by a buzzing on her passenger seat. She looked across at her phone. Jay's name lit up the lock screen. 

Jay. 

She's been avoiding him the last few days. It pained her to admit that. She missed him. She hadn't slept the last two nights without his warmth surrounding her. But he'd be so disappointed in her if he knew what was going on in her head right now. She couldn't face that. Couldn't handle admitting to him that she could feel the ground slipping out from under her. She didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes when he realized she hadn't been able to move past everything that had happened after all. He deserved better than this, than her. She'd been fooling herself thinking she could be good enough for him. Her chest hurt at the idea of letting him go. But she was being selfish keeping him tied to her. 

Her phone buzzed again. A text from Jay 

WHERE ARE YOU? 

She sighed. As much as she'd like to run and hide forever she'd have to see him today eventually and he'd know where'd she'd spent her morning within seconds. She reached across the seat to grab the phone, careful not to bend her now swollen discoloured wrist and gingerly typed out a message. 

AT MED, HAD AN MINOR ACCIDENT AT THE GYM, BE IN SOON. 

And before he could bombard her with a million questions she didn't want answer she dropped the phone back on the passenger seat and climbed out of her car and headed in the doors of the ED. 

 

.


	34. Chapter 34

As soon as Jay read Erin's text about being at Med he jumped up, grabbed his coat and headed down the stairs, calling over his shoulder to Mouse that he could be reached by cell if anyone needed him. She'd said it was a minor injury but Erin didn't go to the hospital for minor anything. He tried texting and calling her on route but there was no answer. "Damn it Erin!" He cursed as he made the turn into visitors parking at the hospital. 

He walked past her car on the way to the ED doors and peaked inside. Her cell sat face down on the passenger seat. Frustration washed over him. She'd spent the better part of the year responding to his texts before he'd even finished sending them and now she was texting him she was in the hospital and leaving him hanging. Did she even care about the promises they'd made? She'd told him how important he was to her after Terry's death but did she mean it? Her actions of late certainly didn't support that. 

She was reclined against the bed, eyes closed when he spied her in one of the ED exam rooms. Maggie was behind the desk. She smiled at him and nodded him to go on in. Erin's right arm was wrapped in ice packs. She was pale. Deep circles were under her eyes. He guessed she hadn't slept the past couple nights but refused to let his brain think about what she'd been doing instead. 

He moved into the room and her eyes opened. Surprise covered her face when she saw him. His jaw tightened. What did she think he'd do after a text like that and not getting a response from her? Of course he'd rush down here. Her eyes and nose were red. Had she been crying? A sympathy pain dulled his frustration with her slightly.

"Hey" he said. 

"Hey," she whispered back. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah, it's nothing."She said lifting her wrist slightly. 

"Nothing? Since when do you come to the hospital over nothing?" He challenged her. 

"Since Frank is a tattle tale and I didn't want to hear Hank's lecture and end up here anyway over nothing," She grumbled. 

He took some comfort in her being at the gym this morning. No way could she manage her boxing workout if she were coming down off a high or hung over. He shook those thoughts from his mind. He didn't want to go there. Didn't want to remember how bad things had gotten after Nadia died. "What did the doctor say?"

"Will thinks it's a sprain but he's just waiting on the X-ray results. He said they're busy and I may need to wait awhile." She sighed. 

He watched her carefully while she spoke. Her eyes were clear but an air of defeat, exhaustion and sadness surrounded her. He never wanted to shake and hug somebody so badly in the same moment before. 

"Did you eat?" The way she suddenly glanced away from him was all the answer he needed. He pressed his finger tips to his forehead. "Any idea when the last time you ate was?" He questioned more impatiently. 

"What is this an interrogation?" She snapped at him. 

Their eyes locked. Both bull headed and stubborn. Neither willing to concede to the others point. 

"We both know the first thing to go when you're upset is your appetite." He tried to reason with her. "I would prefer my partner not passing out on me when things jump off." He couldn't keep the frustration from his voice. 

"Yeah well it's looking like you won't have to worry about that for a few days now anyway." She shot back. 

"Well with where your head is at right now maybe that's a good thing." 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" 

Jay opened his mouth to answer but April walked in to check on Erin. He used the opportunity to slip out of the room before they could say something they both regretted. Things had gone south fast. He paced down the hall. 

He was pissed with her. Why did she hide behind her anger? Why did she insist on pushing him away? Hadn't he proven he was there for her, no matter what? Did her promises really mean nothing? 

He pushed through the doors to the cafeteria forcefully. People looked up from their tables, heads turned to look at him. He didn't care. Why he was doing this for her he didn't know. But even when she pushed him away he couldn't stop caring. He couldn't stop being there for her. He couldn't be another person who walked away from her when things got tough. He'd promised her always. What kind of promise would that be if he bailed on her every time they were tested? He needed to prove her wrong. He needed to prove to her that she was worth loving. And maybe then she'd finally stop running. 

/

He'd walked out. 

As soon as April entered, he'd turned and bailed on her. It was what she wanted. It was why she'd picked a fight with him, but deep down she'd hoped he'd put up more of a fight. That maybe he really was different. That maybe she couldn't scare him off so easily. The pain in her chest far outweighed the pain in her wrist as April checked it over and adjusted her ice packs, promising it wouldn't be too much longer. 

Erin nodded her thanks. It was all she could manage. With her left hand she rubbed back and forth across her chest bone trying to push Jay out of her mind. She stared at a spot on the ceiling imagining the details of the people she'd seen coming and going from the hospital while she sat in her car earlier, trying to calm her emotions. 

Something fell on her lap. Startled, she whipped her head up. There stood Jay. Two drinks in his hands. On her lap sat a wax paper square. 

"You came back." She couldn't keep the surprise from her voice and couldn't miss the hurt that crossed Jay's face at her surprise. 

"Please eat." Was all he said before placing her drink on the table beside her, taking a seat in the chair next to the bed and pulling out his phone. 

She stared dumbfounded and feeling foolish for a moment. Of course he came back. This was Jay after all. She swallowed several times to push back the lump that had formed and began meticulously unwrapping the sandwich. She wasn't hungry. She'd barely eaten since opening the box and taking a heart wrenching stroll down memory lane. Jay was right about her appetite being connected to her emotions. But something in her was driven to pick up the sandwich and take a bite if not for any other reason then to not cause Jay to be even more disappointed in her. She caught him stealing glances at her each time the sandwich came to her mouth. But he said nothing and didn't raise his head from his phone. 

About three quarters of the way through her sandwich Will walked in. The brothers greeted one another. Then Will held up the X-ray to Erin. 

"Good news is it's not broken. But you did sprain it so I ordered a brace, April will help you fasten it in a few minutes. Keep the brace on except to shower and when you're icing it. I can't sign you off for active duty the rest of the week. Come back in on Monday and we'll see how it is." 

Erin stared Will down. He laughed "Don't look at me like that. I'm not the one who threw a bad punch. Only thing that's going to make your wrist better is rest. Looks like you get bit of a break from chasing down bad guys. Jay's actually gonna have to do some work now." Will teased. 

"Easy for you to say you've never been stuck on desk duty." Erin was not please with Will's news. 

"Erin." Jay admonished. 

Erin let out a huff and thanked Will. He chuckled at her, nodded at his brother and left to treat the next patient. April came in a few minutes later and helped Erin velcro the brace on her wrist, the metal splint held her wrist firm and restricted her finger movement. No way could she fire a gun with this thing on. The idea of a week of desk duty further soured Erin's mood. But she had nothing but her own stupidity to blame for this injury. 

"Do you need help getting to the car? Do you want me to drive you back to the district? Mouse and I can grab your car later," Jay offered. His tone was flat. He sounded tired. 

"No I can manage." 

Jay let out a huff and rubbed his forehead. 

"What?" She looked at him expectantly. 

"Nothing, let's get going." He motioned for Erin to leave the room ahead of him. She collected her belongings and headed out past the waiting area, giving Maggie a wave goodbye as she passed the desk. 

Jay stopped beside Erin's car and watched her climb in before heading to his own car. He followed her back to the district. They climbed the stairs to the bullpen in silence. Erin had barely cleared the landing at the top when Voight summoned her.

"Lindsay, my office." He called out. 

Erin took a breath and headed in, closing the door behind her. 

"Ever think that maybe calling your boss to let him know you're gonna be late might be a good idea." He inquired. 

"Hank, I..." She began her excuse. 

"Save it. I spoke with Frank." He cut her off. 

"So then what do you want if you already know what happened."

He glared at her. "I would have preferred, no expected, a phone call from you instead."

Erin didn't answer. She had no valid reason for not calling him and she knew it. Better to let him have his rant and get on with her day. 

Hank sighed. "You've nothing to say?" Erin shrugged "Are you using?"

"WHAT!" The question came out of left field for Erin. 

"It's not a stupid question Erin. You're clearly struggling. Your eyes are blood shot, you haven't slept, you're not eating. Everyone is walking on egg shells around you. You think you're hiding what's going on but we all know you too well. Your birthday is days away, as is the anniversary of Nadia's death..."

"Murdered. She didn't die. Nadia was murdered." She spit at him. 

"Are you slipping again?" Voight ignored her interruption and pinned her with a stare. 

"No." She answered firmly staring right back at him. 

"Go home." He dismissed her. 

"What? I just told you I'm clean." She shrilled. 

"I believe you. Go home." He said without emotion. 

"Why?" She challenged. 

"Because your exhausted. Because you're injured...."

"I can do desk duty," she interrupted again. 

"Because you're emotional" he continued, "and irrational and you need to get your head straight. Because you're my daughter and I care about you and whether or not you or someone on this team takes a bullet because you're too distracted by your grief to do your job."

"Hank," Erin pleaded. 

"Erin please. I'm not punishing you," he said, his tone softening. "This is a hard week for you, always has been, a hundred times harder this year. I'm trying to help you. Go home. Eat something, get some sleep, be back on time in the morning." 

For the third time today Erin gave in to the demands of a man in her life. She turned, ripped open Hanks office door and stalked across the bullpen making eye contact with no one. Fuck this, she thought as she hurried out to her car. 

She pealed out of the district parking lot and headed towards the closest bar. She'd reached her limit. She needed a drink. Badly. The light changed and Erin brought the car to an abrupt halt. Her phone buzzed. She looked down to see Jay's name on it. She ignored it then a pain of guilt made her second guess herself and she answered the phone. 

"What do you want Jay?" She answered, exhausted. 

"Same thing I always want, to make sure you're okay. Like we promised. Remember that Erin?" He answered, the hurt evident in his voice. 

She wasn't being fair. He'd gone out of his way to be there for her, again, and she'd cut him off at the knees, again. He was right. They had made promises. And she was the one breaking them. He deserved so much better than this. 

The light turned green and Erin pulled forward. 

"Jay, I'm sorry. You've been so good to me. You don't deserve this." She apologized. 

"Erin, I've told you a hundred times. I don't want apologies. What I want is for you to stop running every time things get tough. I'm here. I've proven to you over and over I'm here. You promised to come to me. But you're not. How would you feel if it was the other way around? Or would you even care?" She could here the exasperation in his voice. Tears welled up. She hadn't meant to hurt him like this. 

Erin stopped at another red light. 

How could he even think she wouldn't care? She was about to correct him when she heard a screeching sound. She looked up to see a transport truck headed straight towards her. "Oh shit!" She gasped.


	35. Chapter 35

"Erin? Erin?" Jay called, "Erin what's wrong?" There was no answer on the other end of the phone. Dread filled Jay's belly as he heard exploding glass in the background. "Erin?" He tried again. But there was still no answer. Jay tore out of the locker room, where he'd gone to call Erin in private, and into the bullpen. "Mouse, ping Erin's phone. Now! And send fire and rescue to her location." Jay barked. 

His panic alerted the rest of the team. 

Voight rushed out of his office. "What's going on? "

"I think Erin was just in a car accident."

"Let's go. Mouse text us her location," Voight demanded. Mouse nodded but was already typing franticly on his computer. 

"I'll drive," Antonio offered and the three headed down the stairs. The rest of the team not far behind. 

The accident site made Jay want to vomit. Erin's car sat half crumpled under the cab of a transport truck. Two other cars were pushed sideways in the road and pinned together. Fire trucks, cop cars and ambulances blocked the intersection and a dozen firefighters worked to free trapped motorists. Casey, Hermann, and Severide were currently trying to saw the roof off Erin's car. Brett had maneuvered her way into the backseat and was hunched up over Erin covering her with a protective blanket. 

Jay, Voight and Antonio rushed to her car. "What's happening?" "How is she?" "What can we do?" They all spoke at once. 

"She's pinned down. Unconscious but breathing. May not be able to lift her out without prying the dash off her leg. Not much you can do but stay out of the way for now." Severide quickly filled them in. Antonio wandered off. 

"The driver?" Hank inquired. 

Severide pointed to an ambulance across the intersection. "Not his fault. Some idiot on a bike jumped the light, truck had no where to go. He's shaken up pretty bad. But didn't seem too hurt." Hank nodded. 

Jay began scanning the intersection for the bike and its rider, rage battling with his anguish. He was gonna kill the idiot. Antoinio's hand came down on Jay's shoulder. Jay looked back at him and Antonio shook his head. 

"Didn't make it." He said quietly and nodded in the direction of the bike. It was bent around a concrete post. An ambulance crew was loading the rider's covered body onto a stretcher. Jay's eyes closed, he said a quick prayer for the riders family then turned back to watch 51 work on extracting Erin from her car. 

As the seconds drew on Jay's distress grew. She had to be okay. There was no other option. He refused to believe she'd be anything but okay. The sounds around him grew quiet as he focused on this sole thought. 

She had to be okay. 

She would be okay. 

He stood frozen unable to process the sight unfolding in front of him. Blurs of black and yellow jackets crossed in front of his eyes. Sparks flew like fireworks as saws cut through metal. Emergency lights flashed all around them. All Jay heard was his heart thudding in his ears. 

Then the space in front of him filled. Jay blinked and focused on Chef Boden's features. 

"Halstead, are you listening? I said you need to back up. That truck is going to catch fire any minute now." He said, as he gently pushed Jay back. 

"No. No, you have to get her out." Jay demanded pushing back. 

Boden held firm. "We're working as fast as we can but you need to step back and let us do our job." 

Jay struggled to get past Boden but arms came around him in a bear hug, pulling him back, and another body stepped in to take the Chef's place so he could focus on the accident scene. "We got this Chef. We've got him." Ruzek assured the Chef. 

"Come on Jay," Atwater bargained from behind while Jay tried to break out of his bear hug, "let them do there job. She's gonna make it. You know she will." 

No he didn't. He didn't know anything except the last thing he said to her was accusing her of not caring about him. Jay pushed out of Atwater's hold and turned away from his teammates. His hands ran through his hair as he tried to gain control. He couldn't break down. 

Not now. 

Not here. 

Al came to stand beside him. "Hey," he said gently, placing a hand at his back. "Hey" he said again, forcing Jay to look at him. "Come on, keep it together. We don't know anything yet." 

Jay took a breath and nodded. As he turned to check on the progress a whoosh sound caught his attention and the front of the truck went up in flames. Jay's heart went to his throat and he bolted forward. Ruzek and Atwater leaped in front of him. Jay yelled and tried to fight them off not hearing them at first but their voices finally broke through his panic. 

"She's out. They got her out." 

Jay looked around franticly until his eyes spied Brett and Burelli loading Erin in the back of 61. Voight stalked from the ambulance towards him. 

"Go with her. We'll meet you there." Jay stood, stunned for a moment. He'd assumed Voight would insist on riding with her. "Halstead, go. Now." Voight commanded. It was all Jay needed to hear. He nodded and rushed to the ambulance, climbing in beside Erin and taking her hand. 

"How is she?" Jay needed something, anything. 

"Her blood pressures dropping." Brett said too distracted by caring for Erin to offer him more. He watched helplessly as Brett manipulated tubes and needles and barked out information to Burelli. He knew enough to catch on that Brett though she was bleeding internally and that it was serious. He squeezed Erin's hand and brushed the hair that was caught on the oxygen mask back off her face. There was a cut on her forehead, her head had likely hit the steering wheel and he wondered if it was that which had knocked her out. His thumb stroked the sink above the cut wishing she would wake up and start arguing that she was fine and didn't need to go to the hospital. 

Anything. 

"Hang in there Erin. We're almost there." He tried to reassured himself as well as her. 

When they entered the ED Maggie shouted orders for Erin to be taken to Bagdad and his stomach flipped again. He knew it was very serious now. He stood outside the exam room, arms crossed while Rhodes, Will and Choi buzzed around Erin. Jay tried to wrap his head around what was going on. Seeing her laying there, not responding to their probing, her stillness in the mist of the controlled chaos around her was incomprehensible. His tough as nails partner lay helpless and tiny while doctors and nurses probed, prodded and manipulated her. 

Jay cringed. She'd freak if she knew what they were doing to her. No way would she stand for that many people in her personal space, the needles in her arms, the tube down her throat, the scissors cutting her clothes away so they could get at her injuries. He wanted to yell at them to back off, give her room, but he knew they were trying to help her. He knew every invasive touch was to try and save her life. His knees when weak at that thought and his vision blurred. 

She had to be okay. 

Warm hands pressed into his forearms. "Jay, you need to let them work. Come and sit down." Nat encouraged. He ignored her. He didn't want to sit. He wasn't letting Erin out of his sight. "Jay," she tried again. "Jay we need some paperwork filled out. Do you think you can help with that?" Nat tried a different angle. 

He glanced down at her. She held a clipboard out to him. Reluctantly he took it and filled it in as fast as he could. But he didn't get far before Erin's gurney was being pushed past him, toward the elevators. 

"What's happening?" he demanded. 

Will came to his side. "She bleeding internally, they're going to operate to try and stop the bleeding. She may have some broken bones in the leg that was pinned down and we've also ordered a CT scan, she took a pretty nasty blow to the head. We need to see if any damage was done there."

"Is she going to be okay?" He looked his brother in the eye. He didn't need bullshit or Doctor speak right now. 

"I think so yes," Will answered without wavering from his brother's stare. "but there are always risks Jay."

"Risks with what?" Voight demanded as he came up behind them, the rest of the team filling in behind. Will explained Erin's current condition then offered to take them all up to the waiting area. He promised to check in with any news. On his way out he grabbed his brother's arm. 

"Jay she a strong, healthy woman. And Rhodes is a good surgeon. The odds of her pulling through this are high. Just think positive and try to stay calm," he tried to reassure Jay. Jay appreciated his brother's effort and nodded his thanks but he knew he'd have no calm until Erin was back at his side. 

Watching his back. 

Him watching hers. 

Where she belonged.


	36. Chapter 36

Two hours. 

Two hours he'd paced the waiting room waiting for an update on Erin. Periodicly one of the team would get up and try to talk to him, convince him to sit or offer to get him a drink, food. He shrugged them all off. They'd shuffle back to their seat before eventually getting up to try again. All but Voight, who sat unmoving in a far corner by himself drilling holes in the wall with his eyes and occasionally glancing at his phone to type something on the screen with impatience. The team knew better then to approach him. Al, seemingly the only truly brave soul among them, got up from his seat and casually strolled over to Voight. He sat down in the chair next to him. 

"Can I get you something Hank?"

"Yes, you can get me a damn doctor so we can find out what's going on with Erin!" he lamented at a volume meant to alert the nursing staff at the desk to just how disgruntled he was. 

Jay fished out his phone for the forth time since he'd been up here and texted Will again. 

YOU PROMISED AN UPDATE WHATS GOING ON?

But just like the other three times there was no response. Voight made eye contact with him, knowing Jay would be trying to nail down Will for info. Jay shook his head no and Voight went back to drilling holes in the wall. 

Twenty minutes later Jay watched Will saunter into the waiting room, far too relaxed for Jay's liking. It was all Jay could do to stop himself from throwing his brother up against the wall. "Where the hell have you been? You promised us updates," Jay shrieked at him. 

The rest of the team stood and made their approach, they were all desperate for news on how Erin was doing. 

"We were slammed downstairs. I couldn't just walk out of the ED." Will apologized. 

"You couldn't have got someone else to check for us?" 

"Jay as much as we're all concerned about Erin, she's not our only patient. I told you it's insane today. And we can't keep interrupting surgery for updates. But I do have some news now."

"What? What is it?" Voight demanded standing next to Jay. 

"Rhodes is just closing now. She should be in recovery soon and he will fill you in on what's going on with her."

"That's it? That's all you've got?" Jay yelled. 

"Well it's more than you knew five minutes ago." Will snapped back. He seemed to catch himself and took a breath. "Jay, look, I'm sorry. I know you're upset. Rhodes should be out in a few minutes. I got the impression things went well." Will squeezed Jay's shoulder. 

Jay placed his hand over his brother's and nodded. His shoulders slumped. "Thanks," he whispered. 

"Of course. I'm sorry I can't do more but I'll come check on her, on you both, as soon as I can. She's in good hands. I've got to get back to the ED now."

"Yeah of course, go." Will nodded at Hank and the rest of the team and headed back out of the waiting room. 

It wasn't long before Dr. Rhodes came out to fill them in. He explained how they stopped the internal bleeding, as well they set a broken bone in Erin's foot and confirmed she did have a mild concussion. The whole squad breathed a collective sigh of relief when Rhodes confirmed he was confident Erin would make a full recovery, but she was going to need time to heal. 

"A few weeks at home, then we can look at desk duty until her foot heals completely." His words loosened the knot in Jay's stomach but he knew Erin would fight the rest every step of the way. He didn't care. He'd take a fight from her any day over the news Rhodes could have delivered. 

"Can we see her?" Jay hedged. 

"It will be a little while before she wakes up but one or two of you can sit quietly with her for a few minutes at a time." He finished answering their questions, they thanked him and he excused himself to check on other patients with a promise to check in on her often. 

Jay wanted nothing more then to run down the hall to Erin's room but, out of respect for Voight's place in her life, he waited for his Sargent to make the decision who would go in first. Voight nodded at Jay to join him and began heading to Erin's room. Relief flooded Jay, he wasn't sure he would have survived the wait. He followed Voight into Erin's room.

She lay still, on her back, eyes closed. A clear tube pumped oxygen into her nose. Another ran clear fluids into her arm. The beep of a heart monitor let Jay know her heart beat was strong and steady. The brace still adorned her right wrist. A white bandage covered the cut on her forehead. 

He stood at the end of her bed taken aback by her appearance. She was pale and looked small and fragile, nothing like his fierce partner. 

Voight approached her side. He ran the back of his hand down her cheek and bent to kiss her forehead. He whispers something in her ear, Jay only caught the tale end of "... I love you kiddo, rest up." Voight then turned to Jay. "The ivory towers summoned me, I've been ignoring them until we knew how she was but I have to go." Jay nodded his understanding. "She can't wake up alone." Voight ordered. 

"She won't," no way in hell was Jay leaving her side. He couldn't believe Voight would even question that. 

"I mean it. Someone has to be here." 

"I'll be here." Jay assured him, firmly. 

Hank looked back and forth between Erin and Jay like he was trying to decide on something. He fixed his eyes on Jay, "when she was nineteen she had her tonsils taken out. The surgery went fine but we learned that she doesn't handle anaesthesia well. She woke in a panic, disoriented, almost delusional. She was shaking and nauseous. She can't be alone. Someone needs to be with her to reassure her, help her orientate her self. Erin doesn't handle being out of control very well." 

Jay felt the sting of offence. Voight actually though Jay didn't know Erin's issues with control? Didn't know his partner inside and out? He squashed his annoyance, fighting with his boss wouldn't do Erin any good.

"I'll be here." Jay repeated. 

Hank held Jay's eye a moment longer before heading to the door. "Text me with any news, any change." 

"Of course" Jay responded. He was pretty sure not keeping Voight in the loop would land him at the bottom of the lake. 

"I'll tell the others to give you a minute before heading down." Jay smiled his appreciation. He didn't think he'd ever get use to how Voight ran hot and cold all at once. 

When the door had closed behind Voight, Jay moved to Erin's side, pulled up a chair and sat down. He lifted her hand in his. It was cold and seemed so small and delecate. He tried to reconcile it with the strong hand that yielded her nine millimetre, wrestled perps into cuffs and decked more than one deserving asshole, that he'd come to rely on the last three years. As he stroked her knuckles with his thumb images of her calming touch on his face, the strength of her fingers when she massaged the tension out of his shoulders, the way her hands splayed out against his chest when they made love bombarded him. He brought her hand to his lips and lay gentle kisses on each finger. He hoped when she woke up they could forget the last few days and get back on track.

"Wake up soon baby, I miss you." He whispered.


	37. Chapter 37

Hey," Will softly called to Jay as he entered Erin's room. "She wake up yet?"

"No, Rhode's was just here, said everything looked good and it shouldn't be too much longer." Jay replied stretching. He'd been sitting with her for almost two hours while she slept. The team had all filed in and sat with him, two at a time rule be damned, this was their girl and there wasn't a sole in the hospital who was willing to take on the entire Intelligence Unit, until Voight had text them all to return to the bullpen. They had a new case. Jay promised to keep everyone in the loop and was grateful Voight thought Erin having company was important enough to give Jay a pass. 

As much as he wanted her to wake, part of him was glad she was resting knowing she hadn't slept much if at all the last couple days. That seemed like a lifetime ago now. He wondered where her head would be at when she woke. He braced himself for the sullen withdrawn girl who had replaced his passionate partner yet again but hoped the accident had brought her to her senses. 

He felt a tinge of guilt over the accident. Maybe if she hadn't been talking on the phone she wouldn't have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. And he regretted his last words to her. He knew she cared. Erin didn't share her feelings easily but when she did, they were genuine. She'd meant what she said that night in her kitchen after Terry's funeral. He'd just been so frustrated with her. He wanted to shake her out of her ridiculous thoughts of self blame and self loathing. He wanted her to keep her promise to talk to him about how much she missed Nadia. He had no idea how to get through to her and that was the most frustrating part of it all. 

"When was the last time you ate?" Will interrupted Jay's thoughts. 

Jay smiled at the irony. It had only been this morning he'd stood in this hospital and asked Erin the same question. 

"Go grab some food." Will instructed. Jay shook his head. 

"I can't leave her. She can't wake up alone."

"I'll stay. It's quiet downstairs and I'm finally on a break. Go grab something and I'll sit with her until you get back." Jay hesitated. He didn't want to leave her but he hadn't eaten since this morning and once Erin was awake, if what Hank said were true, he knew he wouldn't leave the room for anything. "Go," Will insisted. "I think I can handle anything that might come up while you're gone." He teased.

Reluctantly Jay got to his feet. "You're sure you can stay." 

"Yeah. Go."

Jay looked Erin over. She was still out cold. Their talking hadn't even made her eyelids flutter. She was a light sleeper so he figured he had the time if she was still so sound asleep. "You won't leave until I get back?"

"Jay, go." Will insisted.

Jay finally turned and left the room, heading quickly to the cafeteria in the hospital. 

Will settled himself in Jay's chair, propped his feet up on Erin's bedrail and tipped his head back. 

"Might as well get some rest while I can," he muttered. "It's too bad you're not awake. Now would be a good time to tell you embarrassing stories about my brother." Will mused. "We'll have to do that while you're here. Maybe I'll sneak up when he goes home and I can tell you what you've gotten yourself into." Will laughed, "or not, I got a six pack says Jay won't leave this hospital until you do. He's right gone on you girl. Never though I'd see the day," Will shook his head amused then closed his eyes. 

Not five minutes later Will's pager franticly vibrated. He cursed as he looked at the emergency code lit up on it. He called down to the ED, a tour bus had jumped a curb and flipped over several times. Multiple victims were inbound. 

Will jumped from his seat. "Sorry princess, gotta go. Don't worry, your frog will be back shortly," Will teased. He took a quick look at the machines she was hooked up to, out of habit, to make sure everything still looked good then headed out. He stopped quickly at the desk to let the duty nurse know Erin was alone. 

/

 

The light in the room was dim but it took a second for her eyes to adjust, another for her brain to process what she was seeing. The walls were a light cream colour. The bed she lay in had rails on both sides. The sheets were stark white and scratched her skin. A beeping noise emitted from something beside her. There was a tube jabbed in her arm and another rammed up her nose. She lifted her hand to remove the one in her nose only to discover her hand was wrapped in a brace. The motion made her more aware of her body and the pain that courses through it. 

Everywhere. 

A hospital. She was in a hospital. 

Why? 

She strained to remember. She was in the car.... Talking to Jay.... He was upset.... With her.... She'd hurt him. Then she remembered the truck barreling towards her. Her last though had been how she couldn't die because Jay would be left thinking she didn't care about him, she didn't love him. 

Erin looked around the room again. 

Empty. 

She was alone. 

Of course you are, stupid! What did you expect?

He had believed she didn't love him. He finally gave up. Isn't that what she'd deserved? Isn't that what she wanted? To save him from her misery? To help him realize she wasn't worth it? She'd had love staring her right in the face and she spit on it. 

And where was Hank? 

Probably tired of your shit too. 

He'd already given her so many chances. She'd finally pushed him to his limit. 

You're all alone little girl! How does it feel? Are you happy now? 

She'd successfully managed to push everyone she loved away. 

Alone. 

Lonely. 

So lonely. You gonna cry now? 

Her eyes welled up with tears and a chill ran through her. Her body trembled. She pulled the covers tight around herself trying make a cocoon and protect herself from the wave of pain that was washing over her. To shut the nasty voice in her head off. 

It's not going to work. You lost them. They all left your sorry ass. You weren't good enough anyway. It was only a matter of time before they figured that out. 

"Shut up!" She croaked out. 

But the thoughts persisted. She really had lost them. The one person she'd truly given her heart to and the man who saved her, she'd pushed them out of her life. The tears fell freely now as she wallowed in her self pity and heart break. Irrational and broken thoughts careening around in her head. 

A wave of nausea hit. Franticly she tried to reach the bedpan. Her hands were shaking so bad she knocked something off the table and almost dropped the pan. Her body heaved. She couldn't breathe and ripped the tube from her nose trying to free herself from its restraint. She heaved some more. She needed to get out of here. 

Panic set in. 

She had to get free. 

Get away. 

Now. 

Right now. 

The voice laughed at her. Where do you think you're going to go? Where do you think you can run to?

"Shut up!" Erin cried between clenched teeth. Erin ripped at the wires and tubes attached to her body and pushed back the sheets. She twisted to climb out of the bed and a sharp pain radiated though her abdomen. She cried out against the pain. 

/

Jay walked quickly down the hall to Erin's room. He'd only been gone ten minutes but he didn't want to leave her in the first place. He didn't like the idea that she might wake with a bad reaction to the anesthesia and be left feeling disoriented and out of control. He wanted to be there to reassure her and make her feel safe while she regained consciousness. 

Jay opened the door to Erin's room quietly, expecting her to still be sleeping and was greeted by a painful scream. He scanned the room. Will was no where in sight. Jay cursed. Why couldn't he rely on the self centred jerk just once? 

Erin was struggling to get out of bed. 

"Erin," he called gently. "Sweetheart, no. You can't get out of bed," he said dropping his food on the table and closing the distance between them. He tried to stop her as gently as he could but she fought back. He spied the used bedpan and knew Voight's fears had materialized. She'd woken up alone and her reaction to the drugs was awful. Jay kicked himself for leaving. She was shaking, clammy and had clearly been sick. He reached up and pushed the call button then tried to still her flailing limbs. 

"Erin. It's okay. You're okay. You're safe. You're gonna hurt yourself love, you need to stop." He spoke gently but firmly to her, trying to keep his own distress from his voice. He didn't want her ending up back in surgery. It was clear the accident had a huge impact on her because she was no match for him now and he easily restrained her once he caught her arms. Jay spoke, trying to make eye contact with her, hoping she'd hear him through her medicated fog. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to wake up alone. We though you'd be out for a little longer and I went to grab some food. I left Will here with you but he must have left."

She reached up for him. "Jay?" She was confused. Her eyes unfocused. He wondered if she thought he was a hallucination. 

"I'm here Erin."

She tugged him towards her and gently he enveloped her in a hug. "You're here?" she chocked out between gasps of air. 

"Of course I am. Where else would I be?" Her body shook. "I'm so sorry Erin. You shouldn't have been alone when you woke up. I shouldn't have left." She buried her face in his neck, wrapped her arms around his back and grasped his Tshirt as tightly as he's could in her hands. 

"You're here," she whispered again, trying to make sense of it, trying to reassure herself that he was real. 

"Always Erin. I'll always be here."

She clenched him tighter to her, making sure he was real. She had so much she wanted to say to him. Her mind raced in all directions. She needed to apologize, she needed to right her wrongs. She was a fool for pushing him away again. She didn't care if she didn't deserve him. He was here. She didn't want him to leave. She tried to find her voice, to tell him all of this. But she couldn't get it to work. Nothing in her body was cooperating and it terrified her. She took a shuttered breath. 

"It's okay." He soothed. He stroked her back trying to help her calm. "You're okay. Just breathe. I've got you. It's just the anesthesia Erin. It will pass."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to push you away I.." She began mumbling against his shoulder after a few minutes. 

"Shh," he interrupted. They needed to talk, yes, but not like this. He didn't want her rambling nonsensical things she might be embarrassed by later because she was half out of it. 

Finally a nurse came in. Jay explained what had happened. "She's pulled everything out." The nurse said, surprised.

"She's been sick too." Jay added. 

"We need to get her settled back on the bed so I can reinsert her IV."

It took a few moments for Jay to convince Erin to slide back up on the bed and that he wouldn't leave her alone with the nurse. The movement must have made her nauseous because she was grabbing for the bedpan once again. Jay helped her steady it then pulled her hair back off her face. The nurse came with a cool cloth and Jay helped Erin wash her face. 

"I got it." She said shakily taking the cloth from his hand. Jay smiled at her. Erin's head was starting to clear if she was starting to feel self conscious and refusing his help. 

She lay her head back against the pillows, closed her eyes and took several slow deep breaths. Each one less shaky then the last. 

"I need to put your IV back in now." The nurse hedged. Erin nodded and held her arm out but she didn't open her eyes. Jay watched while the nurse inspected and covered her old IV site then set up a new one. She reattached the heart monitor pads. Erin refused to let her reattach the oxygen tube. Jay felt some relief watching his stubborn girl emerge. A feisty Erin gave him hope she'd be okay. He felt some calm finally settle over him. The nurse set to work inspecting the rest of Erin's injuries. "We just need to be sure you didn't rip any stitches out." She explained when Erin protested. She brought Erin a drink of water and assured Jay Dr. Rhodes had been paged and would be up soon to examine her further. When she left, Jay perched himself on the edge of Erin's bed and closed his hand around hers. 

She looked up at him and blushed, "I'm sorry about all that." She said sheepishly. 

Jay looked around in confusion. "About what?" He asked innocently. 

Erin gave a weak smile. "Thank you" she said, relieved. This is why I love this man, she though. Her behaviour embarrassed her. She'd acted like a total freak and rather than use it as leverage over her or tease her about it Jay played it off like it never happened, allowing her some dignity. 

/

Once she regained her composure Jay helped her fill in the details of what had happened in the car accident. He text Voight to let him know she was awake. Rhodes came to check on her and Jay swore Erin was going to kill Rhodes when he suggested it could be a couple months before she was back to active duty. If she wasn't so weak and in so much pain Jay was sure Erin would have launched herself at him. The thought brought some more comfort to him. So had the colour that filled her face when she'd realized how crazy she had acted. 

But the colour was gone now and she looked pale again. And tired. Really tired. The episode had taken its toll on her. Jay hoped she was too tired to fight the rest she needed. 

"I said no." The determination in Erin's voice pulled Jay from his thoughts. Rhodes had been describing how Erin could self regulate her pain medication with the IV pump. 

"Erin controlling your pain will help facilitate your recovery," Rhode's began. 

"I don't care, I'm already I pain. I can deal with it."

"You're in pain because the dose was set too low. But not as much pain as you'll be in if we stop the medication all together. We can increase it. You'll be more comfortable."

"No. I don't want pain meds. Disconnect it." Erin shot Jay a pleading look. Jay's overtired mind kicked in. The pain meds, her addiction issues, her behaviour the last few days. She was worried she'd fall back again. Jay opened his mouth to support her but was interrupted. 

"Erin," Rhodes began. 

"She said no. Don't you have rules about respecting patients wishes?" Voight questioned as he entered, startling them all.

"All due respect Erin, I don't think you're in the right mindset to make this decision." Rhodes pushed. Erin's cheeks coloured with anger. 

"Then I will. Take her off the pain meds. Now." Voight commanded. 

Rhodes looked at Jay, trying to find some support but Jay shook his head. "It's Erin's decision." Was all he said. He didn't like the idea of seeing her suffer in pain but she had valid concerns about the narcotics. 

Rhodes shook his head, "I disagree with this. But apparently my opinion doesn't matter," he grumbled. Rhodes punched some buttons on the IV pump. "It won't administer any more narcotics. You should start to feel it wear off shortly. Let the nurse know if you need anything. I'll leave a note with them to page me if you change your mind once the full brunt of pain sets in." He nodded at them and left the room. 

"Thank you Hank," Erin whispered. 

Voight came up and kissed Erin on the forehead. "How you doing kiddo?"

Erin shrugged. "Feel like I've been hit by a truck." She gave a half smile trying to lighten the mood with her lame joke. 

Both Hank and Jay indulged her with a smile of their own but neither could find the humour in almost loosing her. "Do you need anything?"

"To get the hell out of here."

"Soon. I spoke with Olive. She and Justin send their love."

A tired smile lit Erin's face "How's Danny?" 

"Climbing on everything Olive said. Sounds more like Justin each day. She wanted to bring him for a visit to cheer you up but I told her it was..."

"Yes." Erin interjected "Please. If I'm gonna be stuck here least I can do is see my munchkin." 

"You sure?" Voight looked at her skeptical. Erin nodded. "Okay, I'll call her tomorrow and work something out." 

Erin smiled her first genuine smile in days. Jay was once again encouraged. Maybe this accident was a blessing in disguise. Maybe it would help Erin to realize all the good things she did have in her life. She didn't get to spend enough time with her nephew and he was growing fast. Jay was sure the visit would do her some good. 

An idea struck him and he excused himself to make a few phone calls while Voight was still here to be with Erin. 

Once Jay returned, Voight stayed a few minutes longer then ordered Erin to get some rest with another kiss to her forehead. Jay breathed a sigh of relief when Voight left without questioning him about how Erin had been when she woke up.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two quick things:   
> One thank you again for all the kind notes, reviews and messages. You keep me inspired and motivated and the support and feedback are so appreciated.   
> Secondly I apologize for the sporadic updates. I find it challenging at times to write regularly with all my other commitments and I appreciate your patience and for sticking with me. I'll be away on a trip the next few weeks so I'm not sure there will be time to write... Hopefully this update will tie you over.   
> Much love

There was a soft knock on her door then a blond head peaked around it as the door slowly opened. Erin opened her eyes. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night, fading in and out of consciousness, and she hated to admit it but Rhodes had been right about how bad the pain was. 

Everything hurt. Her broken foot, her stomach from the surgery, the places across her chest and neck from where the seat belt had forced her back in her seat when the truck hit, her head from hitting the steering wheel. Her arm from the stupid boxing accident. That seemed like a lifetime ago now, yet the pain still pulsed in her wrist. 

Jay had tried to help her get more comfortable but there just didn't seem to be a good position. In the darkness she had made him promise not to let them give her any narcotics for the pain, no matter how much she complained. She was sure it was part of the reason she'd acted so nuts when she woke up from surgery. He'd acquiesced and then she tried to send him home to get some rest but he outright refused. So they'd both been napping off and on all morning when the knock came. 

"Is this a bad time?" His soft voice asked. 

"Teddy!" Erin sleepily whispered, pleasantly surprised. She'd no idea how he even knew she was here. He fully entered the room. He looked better every time she saw him. His hair was a darker blond now, his natural colour, his face was clean shaven and his frame had filled out nicely now that he was able to take care of himself. He gave her a sheepish smile before glancing nervously at Jay. 

"Hey Teddy," Jay offered enthusiastically. Teddy nodded at him but didn't make eye contact with Jay. It disappointed Erin. Teddy still felt so uncomfortable around Jay. She understood why Teddy felt awkward, it had been Jay who had found him, along with the New York detectives, in the park two years ago. Teddy had been in a bad place, his lifestyle fuelled by the things he'd endured as a teen held captive and abused, when Erin thought his father had safely removed him from the hell that they existed in with Bunny as their mother. Erin still felt guilty about that. She should have tried harder to track Teddy's dad down and check in on Teddy, but by then she'd already started down a path to a dark place. Erin had tried to explain to Teddy that Jay didn't see him like that, Jay knew about her past too and had accepted her, made her feel valued even. Teddy was happy for Erin but he still felt uneasy around Jay. 

Teddy turned back to Erin and produced a bouquet of flowers from behind his back. "These are for you," he said laying them on her lap. 

Surprise and warmth filled Erin. She fought to suppress her foolish emotions again. She still couldn't believe how emotional she'd acted when she woke from surgery. The irrational voices had taken hold of her mind temporarily and sent her into a panic. Thank god Jay pretended it didn't happen. 

"Teddy they're beautiful! Thank you, come here," she said lifting her arms to offer him a hug. Teddy bent and embraced his sister, kissing her softly on the cheek. 

"How are you?" He asked, glancing nervously between Erin and Jay. 

Jay stood. "I'll let the two of you visit." He said heading for the door. Erin sent him an appreciative but apologetic look. He gave her an understanding smile. "Do you need anything while I'm gone?" Erin shook her head no and he quietly exited the room. 

"I scared him away," Teddy observed. 

"No you didn't. He just wants you to be comfortable. He's a great guy Teddy. There's no judgement there." Teddy nodded but looked at his hands. Erin reached out and took one. "Tell me about school. Shouldn't you be in class right now?"

She only got to see him every few months since he'd come back to Illinois. They talked on the phone and texted but Teddy still kept his distance, he said the city had too many bad memories attached to it. He had promised to stay close and not return to New York so Teddy had moved to to Springfield and was attending community college, studying hospitality. This kept him far enough out of their mother's negative influence but close enough to stay connected with Erin, they had a lot of building and healing to do if they were ever going to have what people called a normal sibling relationship. He'd also started seeing a councillor regularly. Erin was proud of him, proud of how hard he was working to make a new life for himself. 

"It's the end of the semester. Won't hurt to miss a day of classes." Teddy shrugged off the significance of skipping school to come and see her. 

"Happy to be almost done?" Erin asked. 

"Yes." Teddy smiled. "I was wondering, never mind," He looked back down at his hands and fell silent. 

"What is it?" Erin probed, never one to beat around the bush. 

"I graduate next month. Do you think you might be able to come?" He asked self consciously. 

"Of course! I'm not gonna miss my little brother's graduation. Are you crazy!"

Teddy smiled and looked away, embarrassed at the fuss she was making. 

Erin took his hand again. "I'm really proud of you Teddy. Really proud."

Teddy had a hard time accepting her praise and changed the subject. "I got a job offer."

"That's great. Tell me about it." Erin's heart swelled. She was starting to see the sweet boy she'd practically raised come though again this last year. His shield of bitterness and suspicion peeling back when he was around her. Conversation was beginning to get less awkward and he was slowly letting her in. 

"One of my instructors is retiring this year. He and his partner have decided to open a restaurant, French bistro. They asked me to manage front of the house."

"Wow! Congratulations, that's a big deal."

Teddy shrugged, "The partner is my boss at the restaurant I work at now. Said he liked my style." Teddy rolled his eyes self deprecatingly. 

"Teddy that's really great. Are you going to take it?" 

"I think so," He said nonchalantly. 

"But?"

"It's here, in Chicago." He let out a slow breath. 

"How do you feel about coming back to the city?" Erin hedged. 

"You sound like my therapist." He laughed flatly. 

"Sorry," She mentally kicked herself. She didn't want to make him retreat from her. But she couldn't help going into protective big sister mode. 

Teddy laughed, a little more relaxed. "It's okay. I think it will be good. It's a steady job with good people. It will keep me really busy. It will be a few months before it opens so I'm gonna stay in Springfield at my current job until they need me to help set up." His words came out quickly. He was trying to play it off but Erin could hear the excitement in his voice. This was a big deal to him. 

"Well I can't wait to come have dinner there." She offered enthusiastically. 

"You'd come?" He seemed surprised. 

"Of course. And you know you can crash with me until you get set up here right?" She wanted him to know she was here for him, to support him in his goals. 

"Thanks. I, um," he looked down again, picking at invisible lint on her bed. 

"Teddy you really don't need to worry about Jay. He's proud of you too. And he loves to eat so you're gonna have to get use to seeing his face at work," Erin laughed, guessing at why her offer had made him uncomfortable. 

Teddy laughed nervously, "I might take you up on your offer. Especially since I have no idea where mom is." Disappointment clouded his face. Erin's mood soured at the mention of Bunny. 

"Probably off snagging herself a new man. Teddy you can't get caught up in her drama. I'm here. Anything you need. I know it doesn't make up for not being there when,"

"Erin don't. It wasn't your job. You did more than you should have, hell I wouldn't have made it the first ten years without you. I don't know how you did it. You were just a kid and she left you to look after a baby..." His voice trailed off. Erin felt the air in the room change. This kind of trip down memory lane wasn't good for either of them. Since she'd woken up she had pushed the negative thoughts that had consumed her these last few days from her head. It was a bit cliche but the whole "near death" experience combined with the overwhelming physical pain she was in was competing for her attention and she couldn't focus on any one thought. 

"Hey," she encouraged, squeezing his hand. 

Teddy nodded, "I know. We don't need to go there. But you can't blame yourself for what she did or what happened."

"Maybe not, but I can blame her. She hasn't changed Teddy."

He nodded slowly. Bunny had initially been supportive of Teddy when he'd come back to Chicago but it didn't take long for Teddy to clue in that Bunny was just looking for the attention. She hadn't genuinely wanted to help him. Erin had gently encouraged and nudged Teddy and shortly after his return he'd enrolled in community college and made the move to Springfield, out of their mothers clutches. But deep down Erin knew there was still that little boy looking for his mother's love. He hadn't fully accepted that Bunny just wasn't capable of giving it. Erin had tried to make up for it when they were young, she tried to protect him and love him but looking back now she was beginning to see how futile the situation was. Teddy was right. They were just kids. 

"So what did the doctor say?" Teddy asked, changing the subject. This time it was his turn to take Erin's hand and help steer the conversation away from thoughts that led to dark places where nothing good would come of it. 

 

///

 

Jay left Erin's room feeling a bit disappointed. He'd hoped Teddy might have warmed up to him more, especially after the encouraging phone call they'd had last night when Jay asked Teddy to come visit Erin. He hoped seeing Teddy would remind her of what good was in her life. He knew she was being drawn back into believeing she was bad news and only brought pain to those around her. He figured a few physical reminders of what a positive influence she was, of how many people looked up to and loved her, might help chase those thoughts away. So he'd made some calls. 

Teddy had made an amazing turn around and Jay knew that it was in part due to the support he got from Erin. Jay often overheard them taking on the phone, Erin gently encouraging Teddy to reach for goals he didn't think were even options for him two years ago. 

Jay shook off his disappointment in Teddy's discomfort with him. This isn't about you, it's about Erin and getting her head straight, he admonished himself. 

Thinking of Erin's messed up head space had him flashing back to how she'd woken up. Anger filled him anew. She shouldn't have been alone. Jay forcefully pushed off the wall and went to find the one person he wanted to unleash his anger on. Once again Will was full of empty promises. 

//

Will was signing off on a patient chart when a strong hand gripped his right shoulder and spun him around. Will was caught off guard and didn't react fast enough to evade the fist that exploded against his face sending him staggering back against the desk. The pain ignited his anger and defence mechanism. Will recovered quickly, years of being ambushed by bullies had taught him to get back up and quickly go on the offensive. He threw a punch at his attacker without stopping to see who he was or why he'd come after him. But his hand was blocked and his arm quickly twisted into a painful hold. Will grunted out his pain between clenched teeth. He squirmed and twisted but his attacker had too strong a hold on him. 

"You son of a bitch, I told you not to leave her alone!" 

Jay. He should have know. Surprise attack had been the only way Jay had ever got one up on him when they were kids. But since he'd joined the army Jay had gone from the scrawny quick tempered kid brother, who Will used to enjoy setting off and using as a practice bag, to a deadly weapon. Not that he'd ever give Jay the satisfaction of knowing that. But what the fuck was Jay going on about? Jay had no reason to come at him like this. Will knew the only way to get a decent shot in was to make Jay think he'd given up. Will relaxed his posture and stopped struggling. 

"You were supposed to stay with her!" Jay yelled again. 

"What the hell are you taking about?" Will said calmly, disguising his hostility. 

"Erin. You promised you wouldn't leave her."Jay gritted out, pushing Will out of his hold now that he'd stopped struggling. But just as Jay released him Will let his elbow fly upwards, catching Jay square in the jaw and causing him to step backward. Rage lit Jay again and he flew at Will only to find himself being restrained. There was a flurry of activity and voices as Rhode's, Choi and several security guards worked to hold back and calm the two brawling brothers. It was several minutes before the circus subsided and Jay and Will were ushered out of the ED and into the doctors lounge, and several more before they were able to convincingly promise security they wouldn't destroy the room or each other if left alone. 

"I was paged you asshole. I had no choice." Will spat at Jay. "She was fine. Sleeping beauty."

"Not when I got back. She was having a full on panic attack. She doesn't do well with anesthesia and pain meds."

"Well don't you think that would have been good information to share with me? Had I know, I would have asked a nurse to sit with her. I had to leave, we had multiple traumas inbound." 

Jay stood silent, glaring at his brother. 

"No rebuttal because you know I'm right. I'm not the one who fucked up here Jay. You should have given me more information."

The air left Jays lungs in an exasperated whoosh. 

"Yeah, what I thought." Will shot at him. 

"Shut up." Jay volleyed back and then sat heavy on a chair. He began running his fingers across his forehead. 

Will knew his brother. He knew how much Jay cared for this girl. It couldn't have been easy seeing her hurt. Jay looked exhausted. But there was more to the story. "What's going on? This is more than you just being upset she got hurt and pissed she was alone."

Jay sat considering his words. "It's her birthday tomorrow."

"And?" Will asked, not understanding the significance. 

"She hates her birthday. I don't know why. But also Nadia was kidnapped on her birthday."

"Oh.... oh!" Will repeated understanding dawning now. "You think she's gonna backslide?"

Jay shrugged, "She's been withdrawn, not eating, spending too much time alone." Jay rambled off. "Now she's hold up in a hospital bed facing a long rehab. Cops like us don't handle being off the job well."

Will came and sat beside Jay. He placed his hand on Jay's shoulder and squeezed. "Sucks being in love." Will joked lamely. 

Jay just glared at him. "Wow, such great words of comfort and wisdom from my brother."

Will offered an apologetic smile. Jay cut him some slack. What could Will really say anyway? What could anyone say? Jay didn't know how to help her and yet again he was frustrated at his helplessness. 

"Dr. Charles," Will announced out of the blue. 

Jay turned to look at his brother, "What?"

"He's a smart guy. Maybe he can help you figure out how to help her," Will shrugged. 

Jay considered Will's words. He didn't want to push Erin to hard. And he certainly didn't want her to feel like he was talking about her behind her back and he knew how she felt about shrinks but he couldn't loose her to this again. Jay nodded slowly, "Thanks, I'll think about it."

Will nodded and squeezed Jay's shoulder again while standing. "I have to get back to work."

Jay nodded and looked up at him. A satisfied smile spread across his face, "you might want to clean that ugly face up first, you'll scare all the patients away." 

Will made a face at Jay then turned back towards the bathroom in the doctor's lounge. "Good luck explaining your jaw to Erin." Will shot at him over his shoulder. Jay's hand instinctively came up to rub the spot Will's elbow had nailed him on. It was tender. He opened and closed his mouth several times. Nothing broken. He pushed up out of his seat and decided to go in search of some food before heading back up to Erin's room. 

 

//

Jay knocked lightly then pushed open the door with his hip, arms too laden with food. He heard laughing as he entered and took it as a good sign but as soon as Teddy spied Jay the smile fell from his face, and like a switch was flicked, a wall came down and and discomfort replaced his relaxed posture. Runs in the damn family, Jay bitterly thought to himself. 

"Hey," Jay offered. "I was hungry and figured I'd pick you up something too."

"Smells good. What did you bring us? Is that take out from Kuma's? Did you bring us burgers?" Erin said excitedly, leaning toward the bags Jay placed on the table across her bed.

Jay frowned, "Rhode's said no solids for you for another couple days. But I brought you a tea and some soup. Figured it was better than hospital food." Jay cringed at the look that crossed Erin's face. He shifted uncomfortably, it never ended well for suspects when Erin looked like that and right now his privates were feeling a bit vulnerable. He thanked God she was confined to a bed. 

Teddy burst out laughing. "I'm sorry," he said between gasps of laughter. "But the looks on both your faces," he said pointing back and forth between them, "Priceless. Just priceless," he laughed some more. Erin turned her glare on her brother and he raised his hands in surrender, trying to stop laughing. 

Teddy's laughter caught Jay off guard. It was the first time he'd seen this side of him and much like his sister, his whole presence was transformed by his smile. Jay busied himself pulling out the contents of the bags while Teddy and Erin traded affectionate jabs. He prayed Teddy continued to forget he was there and stayed open like this. Teddy looked up at the tray when Jay placed a burger, fries and drink close to him. 

"I wasn't sure what you liked on your burger," Jay apologized. 

Teddy shrugged, "It's okay, I'm sure it's fine."  
He made eye contact with Jay for the first time and smiled his thanks at him. 

Jay felt like he'd won a small victory. He made a mental note that, much like Erin, food seemed to be a good way to win Teddy over too. 

Jay helped Erin get set up to eat. 

"Oh my god, what happened to your face?" Erin exclaimed. 

Shit, thought Jay. He'd purposely kept the left side of his face turned away from her so she wouldn't see the bruise swelling up on his face from Will's elbow. Cheap shot. Jay had been pissed he'd fallen for it. 

"It's nothing, eat." Jay tried to brush her off. 

"Don't brush me off Halstead. What happened to your face?" Erin demanded. 

He let out a sigh. "It's nothing, Will and I were just showing each other a little brotherly love." Erin's eyes narrowed at him then she grabbed his right hand and inspected his knuckles. They were a bit red. 

"You hit him. Why?"

"Erin it's no big deal, we're both fine. Your foods getting cold." 

Erin opened her mouth to demand Jay tell her what had happened but caught Teddy squirming uncomfortably out of the corner of her eye. She closed her mouth and decided to take things up later with Jay. She shot Jay a look letting him know the conversation wasn't over then turned her attention to her soup. They ate in awkward silence for several moments. 

"Teddy is going to help launch a new restaurant in the city. He was hired as front of house manager," Erin announced. Jay could see her pride and happiness for her brother. 

"That's great. Congrats man," Jay offered. 

Teddy shyly nodded. 

"It's a French bistro. Teddy said the chef has an amazing steak dish." Erin continued. 

Jay's face lit up, "Steak?"

Teddy and Erin burst out laughing. "See," Erin said between giggles, "I told you."

"Told him what?" Jay asked, confused. What inside joke did she have with her brother about him? Jay suddenly regretted leaving them alone earlier. 

"That there was nothing you loved more than steak," Erin laughed. 

Jay smiled, tilted his head to the side as if considering something and looked Erin in the eye, "Well, almost nothing," he winked at her and smiled wide. 

Erin's tummy fluttered and she felt a blush creep across her cheeks. She looked down at her soup. 

Teddy looked back and forth between them then fanned himself. "The temperature in this room just jumped a hundred degrees," he laughed embarrassed. "Maybe I should go."

Jay blushed and felt bad for making Erin's brother uncomfortable. "No, don't. How's your burger?" He asked Teddy. 

"Perfect actually," Teddy said, surprised. "You nailed the toppings." 

"Hmmm," Jay smiled. 

"What?" Both Erin and Teddy asked simultaneously, matching glares pinning him down. 

"Nothing," Jay raised his hands in surrender. His heart beat quicken being pinned by a double whammy of defensive states. "Nothing. I just ordered what I would have got for Erin is all. Just found it amusing you both like the same toppings."

Erin and Teddy looked at each other. Teddy shrugged and smiled. "Well, you know what they say about great minds."

"Huh, if you had a truly great mind you'd share that burger with me." Erin grumbled. 

Teddy laughed. "Doctor said no solids, remember? You're just gonna have to pretend your soup is a burger. Remember like how we used to do when we were kids?" A sad smile crossed Erin's face. When Bunny was out of it she'd forget to grocery shop, spending their money on drugs instead, and they often had to make do with whatever they could find in the cupboards. It made for some interesting meal situations and they'd make up a game pretending they were eating at a fancy restaurant with delicious exotic foods to help mask their hunger and taste buds. "One bite," Teddy announced.

Erin's eyes refocused on Teddy. "What?" She asked. 

"I'll let you have one bite," Teddy said, holding out the burger. He glanced cautiously at Jay, waiting for him to object or over rule him, but Jay sat silently observing the exchange. Erin took the burger from her brother, bit off a large bite then closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure, head falling back against the pillow. 

"So good," she mumbled around chewing. Both Jay and Teddy laughed at her. "You try being stuck on a liquid diet while people are eating burgers in front of you and see how you feel," she grumbled to them. 

Small talk littered the rest of their meal and all too soon for Erin Teddy was announcing his departure. He gave her a long gentle hug and kisses her cheek, promising to text her with details of his graduation. 

"You can bring this guy with you if you want," he offered quietly, thumbing towards Jay. Again emotion welled up in Erin's eyes. She knew how huge a step the offer was for Teddy. 

Jay stood and walked Teddy to the door offering his hand. Teddy looked at it for a moment then placed his own hand out, offering a gentle shake. He looked Jay in the eyes. "Thank you for calling me," he said sincerely. 

"Of course. Thank you for coming." Understanding passed between them. Teddy ducked his head, the connection still a bit too much for him, and left the room with one last kiss blown to his sister. 

Jay turned back to Erin to find himself under her intense stare. He shifted uncomfortably trying to figure out what he was about to get raked over the coals for. 

"You called him?" She asked pointedly. 

Jay swallowed and prepared himself with his rationale for the argument. "I did." 

Erin's face soften and a smile spread across her face, "Thank you," she offered emotionally. 

Relief washed over Jay and he nodded, coming to sit beside her. She tugged on his shirt sleeve and he leaned in for a gentle kiss.   
Erin smiled again before yawning. 

"You should rest," Jay announced. 

"We need to talk about your face." Erin countered. 

"After you rest," Jay bargained. 

"Promise?" Erin asked sleepily. She couldn't believe how tired she suddenly was and didn't have the energy to argue with him now, especially after he'd been so sweet arranging for Teddy to come visit and getting them lunch. 

"Promise," Jay agreed. 

"You should put some ice on it babe," Erin said, gently touching his jaw. Jay smiled. Even half asleep and confined to a hospital bed she couldn't stop taking care of everyone around her. Again he wished she could see herself though his eyes. 

"Go to sleep," he said softly, kissing her forehead. Erin nodded as Jay helped her find a more comfortable position to fall asleep in.


	39. Chapter 39

Erin woke from her nap when Rhode's came to make his rounds later that afternoon. Again she tried to convince Jay to go home and rest but he wouldn't budge. As sweet as he was being, she was worried he was exhausted. No way could sleeping in a chair be comfortable. 

Various friends and members of their team popped in and out for visits the rest of the day, making it easy for Erin to avoid thinking. It also meant she couldn't drag out of Jay whatever had happened between him and Will that left Jay with a bruise forming on his jaw, since they didn't seem to be alone for more than a minute. 

Merideth and Lexi had brought her some homemade soup for dinner, saving her once again from the hospitals "liquid" diet. Jay had looked please when she'd eaten the whole bowl without protest. She scolded herself for the pleasure seeing him happy with her brought. Who was she becoming? And when did a man's opinion mean so much to her? Her thoughts turned to Bunny and all her efforts to please whatever man she let control her life at the time. She let them run over her, manipulate, abuse and take advantage of her all in the name of so called love. 

Give your head a shake Erin. Jay is no loser pimp, Erin scolded herself. 

She was mad at even letting herself compare Jay to the assholes her mother use to bring home. But old habits and thoughts were so ingrained in her. She never believed real love existed until she lived under the Voight roof, and even then she thought they were the exception that proves the rule. She certainly never gave love a chance to find its way into her life. 

Until now, the voice in her head pointed out. 

She glanced over at Jay dozing in the chair. He was such a good man. A good cop. Loyal. Honest. Trustworthy. Protective without being controlling. 

She trusted him. He'd never wavered from his promise to be there for her. Maybe it was time to let him all the way in. But how did she keep him safe from the pain she always seemed to bring to those she loved? And how was she ever going to be worthy of his loyalty and acceptance?

Hank stopped in, interrupting her internal debate and waking Jay. Hank had snuck her a chocolate croissant. At Jay's surprised look, Hank teased Erin saying he was doing the hospital staff a public service keeping her happily sedated with chocolate so she wouldn't drive them all crazy being stuck in bed. Erin would have protested the joke at her expense had the treat not tasted like a gift from heaven, temporarily making her forget how much pain she was in. 

She was a little surprised at how sweet Hank was being but then she always was when he showed this side of himself to her. After all these years she still didn't quite believe he and his family had not only willingly taken her in but also loved her as if she were one of them. People saw Voight, the cold, aggressive, hard nosed cop who may or may not be dirty, but she knew his heart. She knew a man that could take a kid off the street and claim her as his own child. Yes, he was hard on her. Yes, he held her to a different set of rules than every other cop who worked under him, begrudgingly she admitted she needed that tough love at times, but here he stood looking at her with the same love and concern he showed Camille, Justin and Danny. 

"I spoke with Olive. She's going to bring Danny by tomorrow morning if you're still up for it?" Hank informed her. 

Erin smiled. "Yeah, of course. I miss the little guy." 

"Olive said he got excited when she mentioned coming to see you. Seems he's a big fan of his Auntie," Hank smiled. 

"The feelings mutual," Erin laughed and then cringed at the pain the laughter brought. 

"You should rest kiddo. The more rest you get the sooner you can get back to your desk and back to being a pain in my ass," he winked at her. 

"Wow, feeling so loved right now," she teased back. Hank laughed and tussled her hair. "You need anything you call okay?" Erin nodded and Hank gave her a gentle hug and quick kiss on the head, before nodding at Jay to follow him outside. 

"You know tomorrow is her birthday?" Voight asked in a low tone once they were in the hall. 

"Yeah," Jay blew out a breath. 

"How does she seem?" Voight asked. 

"Tired, preoccupied by pain. Teddy was here today, they had a good visit. She seemed happy he came." Jay offered. 

"Good. Keep an eye on her. Keep me updated. Rhode's said they'd release her in a couple days. We'll have to figure something out. I can't be down two detectives for much longer."

"Of course," Jay didn't like the idea of not being there to help her when she was released but he knew Voight was right. He needed to get back to work. He realized if Erin's birthday wasn't tomorrow Voight probably would have already ordered him back. Voight clapped Jay on the shoulder, reiterated his instructions to be kept in the loop and left. Jay returned to Erin's room only to find she'd fallen fast asleep. He decided to settle in for the night himself. 

/

She'd spent the first part of her morning having tests done. Ultrasounds, X-rays, new blood work. She hated every second of it. She felt like a lab rat. She wanted to scream at them to stop poking at her. And she was desperate for a shower. 

"When can I get out of this bed?" Erin asked Rhode's, not for the first time this morning. 

"Let's see what the tests say. If everything comes back good then I'll let the nurse help you shower this afternoon." 

"Promise?" Erin hedged, barely hiding the excitement from her voice. It was sad she'd been reduced to getting excited over the idea of taking a shower in a sterile room with a stranger helping her. She'd have to find a way around that last part. No way did was someone coming in there with her. 

Rhodes laughed, "let's just see what the tests say but everything seems like it's healing as expected. 

After Rhodes left Erin turned to Jay excitedly. She finally had a viable way to send him home to get some real rest. "Can you do something for me?"

"Of course," he replied. 

"Since they're gonna let me shower, I could use some personal things," She began. 

"You want me to go get them?" He guessed. 

"Do you mind?"

"Of course not." He fished out his phone and handed it to her. "Make a list."

"Thank you. And there's no rush. You should take some time for yourself too, shower and stuff you know?" She tried to be nonchalant but when she looked up Jay was giving her a pointed look. She deployed her final tactic. "Before you go, we need to finish our conversation about that bruise on your jaw." She pointed at his face. A slightly panicked look came across Jays face. He didn't want to discuss it with her, there was nothing else to say in his mind. 

"You're right, I've been hold up here with you for days. Olive will be here soon so you won't be alone. If I leave now I'll have time to shower and get some things for myself as well. I'll make it back in time to bring you some lunch." He rambled, pretending to ignore her last comment. 

"Okay," Erin conceded too easily. "But you are going to tell me what happened eventually." She said, offering Jay back his phone with her completed list on it. 

Instead of answering her he leaned in for a long slow kiss. "I won't be long he," said once he'd left her breathless. He turned to make a hasty retreat. Erin was left overheated and wondering who had played who in their little game. 

/

Jay rushed out of Erin's room. He wasn't looking forward to having to explain why he and Will had fought. Half way down the hall he stopped and realized she'd played him. She'd used the fight with Will as a way to hurry him to go home and take a break. 

He hesitated for a moment. She hadn't said a word about today being her birthday. She hadn't given any clues away as to where her head was at. It sucked that she'd spent the morning being poked and prodded but maybe it was a good distraction. Maybe since she'd been here for several days she'd lost track of time and didn't realize it was her birthday. Or maybe she was rushing him out because she couldn't run away herself and she was desperate to be alone with her twisted and painful thoughts. He wondered if he should leave right now after all. 

He looked at his watch. Olive was due in half an hour. He looked back in the direction of Erin's room. Then the nurses station. He decided to let them know he was leaving and asked if they could peak in on her before her sister in law arrived. The nurse reassure him and Jay reluctantly hurried off to fill Erin's list. 

/

He was thankful he kept clothes at her place. It meant he could shower and change there instead of making two stops. Jay took the stairs up to Erin's apartment two at a time. 

He quickly unlocked her door and let himself in, dropping his keys on the kitchen counter and heading for the bedroom. He came to an abrupt halt as he approached the couch. 

The scene before him tugged at his heart. An open box sat on coffee table and mounds of bunched up Kleenex scattered the floor. Whatever was in that box Erin had sat and cried over. When? He thought back over the last few days. Likely the night before her gym accident. He ran is fingers across his forehead. She'd sat here, alone and crying, likely most of the night. He was mad. Mad she hadn't reached out to him. Mad she preferred to sit here alone with her sadness. Mad he hadn't just shown up at her door demanding she keep her promises. And his heart ached for her. He wished he could take away her pain. Make right all the wrongs that had been done to her over the years. Bring back all the people she loved and lost. 

He looked back at the box. What was in it? He knew he shouldn't go through the box. He knew he was about to cross a line he swore he never would. He'd promised himself he'd never dig into her life, that he'd wait for her to come to him. But his gut told him that whatever was in this box was the cause of Erin's withdrawal the last few days. He needed to understand why she'd pulled away from him. He had no chance of ever completely breaking though with her if he didn't know what he was up against. 

He tried to justify looking, it was sitting out on the table, open. Jay shook his head. 

Just do it. You can deal with the fall out after. 

Jay sat on the edge of the couch and pulled the box closer to him. Gently he began fingering though the contents. He smiled sadly as he slowly shuffled though pictures of Nadia. The two women had taken goofy photo booth pictures one night, another picture was of the entire squad, Nadia smiling brightly. He missed her. He'd been skeptical when Erin announced she'd found their civilian aid. How an eighteen year old escort junkie fresh out of rehab was going to survive in their unit Jay didn't know, but he trusted Erin. No one could read people like Erin could, and she'd been right. Nadia worked hard and soon found her place in their family. 

As much as they all had told Erin time and again that what happened wasn't her fault, they all secretly carried some of that blame too. They all felt responsible for what happened to her, for not getting to her in time to save her. Jay set Nadia's pictures gently on the coffee table and picked up a new stack. 

His eyes went wide. Staring back at him was a sullen looking teen with dark hair and makeup. Too thin, skirt too short, same stubborn stance she got whenever she didn't want to do something. Erin was posed in front of a brightly decorated Christmas tree with Voight, Camille and a very young Justin. He flipped the picture over 'December 24th, 2000' it read in loopy hand writing he didn't recognize. Erin was fifteen in the picture. Her first Christmas with the Voight's. He looked at the picture for a long time. Her eyes were angry, lost. The same look she got whenever she talked about her childhood or Nadia's name came up. She didn't want to be in that picture. She was likely still not ready to trust that Voight wasn't going to kick her out on he ass. 

He flipped to the next one and his breath caught, she was beautiful. This was his Erin. It was a candid, likely taken without their knowledge, of Camille and Erin in the Voight kitchen. Their heads were thrown back in laughter, flour everywhere. The date indicated she was about 18 in this picture and she looked exactly like the Erin he knew, minus the purple streaks running through her hair. Jay wondered if Erin, ever the rebel, had dyed it to get a rise out of Voight. 

Jay continued to flip though the small stack of pictures, each one of Camille. Again he smiled sadly. He'd heard stories and these pictures confirmed for him that she was every bit the loving mother to Erin and Justin. She reminded him a bit of his own mom. God he missed her. Jay pushed the unwelcome heart ache away and flipped to the last picture. 

It was older again. Erin was about 14 or 15 in it and she had her arm thrown over the shoulder of another girl her age. They looked like they had been partying all night. Erin wore the same vacant expression she had the morning he'd tracked her down at the club eleven months ago. He didn't recognize the girl but given the nature of the rest of the pictures in this box he wondered if it was Karen, the girl Erin had nightmares about after Nadia died. 

He set the pictures aside and picked up a small worn book. 'Goodnight Moon' Jay smiled. He'd had this book as a child. His mom use to read it to Will and him and they'd fight over who got to find the mouse on each page. It confused Jay finding it here though. He doubted anyone use to take the time to read to Erin as a child based on what she'd shard of her childhood. Jay thumbed through the book remembering it's words and some papers fell out and fluttered to the ground. Jay set the book down and scooped up one of the papers. It was a picture, drawn by a young child. Two stick figure people, a sun, some flowers. The words on it were barely legible and spelled incorrectly but he could make out their message 'happy birthday Erin, love Shelby' 

Jay froze. Goosebumps formed on the back of his neck. He felt like he'd stumbled upon something he shouldn't be seeing. Shelby. Why was that name familiar? Jay racked his brain. Shelby. It hit him. Erin's CI file. One of her aliases had been Shelby. Jay looked at the picture again. Who was Shelby? He gently set the picture on top of the book and picked the other piece of paper up off the floor, except it wasn't a piece of paper but a picture, Polaroid. 

It was torn and frayed at the corners and creased. Jay turned it upright. Staring back at him were two little girls, both had long brown unkept hair, both dressed in tshirts and shorts, one slightly taller than the other. Jay guessed they were between four and six. He didn't recognize the younger one at all but he had a pretty good idea who the older one was. He'd know those eyes anywhere and she really hadn't changed all that much. Erin was a cute kid. But who was she standing with? There was nothing written on the picture. His uneasiness increased. He quickly and carefully put the picture and drawing back in the book. 

There were a few other things in the box, Nadia's letter of acceptance to the acdemy, a letter from Camille Jay decided not to read, he was already being too intrusive. 

This was Erin's memory box. Private. Sacred. 

He smiled sadly. He had one of sorts too, a few things he'd saved from his mom, fallen brothers he'd served with and his grandparents. It was not something he looked at. Not memories he wanted to dredge up but pieces of people he never wanted to let go of. It was buried deep in the back of his closet. Jay guessed that's where this box usually lived because given the amount of time he'd spent here, he'd ever seen it before. She'd pulled it out and tortured herself with the contents. 

Alone. 

Jay's phone buzzed with a message from Erin. She'd forgotten to put deodorant on her list. Jay sent her a quick acknowledgment then looked back at the coffee table. Guilt consumed him. He shouldn't have gone through this box. Carefully he placed everything back the way he found it and stood. 

Looking around he decided he couldn't leave her living room like this. She'd be home in a few days and he didn't want her to have to confront the mess. Jay tidied the room then quickly went to shower and pack Erin's things. His mind was preoccupied by the two little girls who had stared up at him from the last picture and the child's birthday card addressed to Erin. Who was Shelby? And how the hell was he going to tell Erin what he'd done?


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> p>So I received a little surprise a little while ago. A dear friend and big supporter of my writing surprised me with a lovely gift that I'm super excited about. I've been dying to post a new chapter so I could show it off to everyone. As you can see Aftermath now has cover art. @cb150681 thank you so much for this wonderful gift and for all the feedback and encouragement you give me.

 

"Knock knock," he called out as he stepped in the room. "Feeling up for a visit?"

Erin looked up from her phone, she was just replying to Olive, who said she was running late, and smiled "Sure," then scowled as she took in the black eye on his face. "What the hell were you boys up to?"

Will shifted from foot to foot not expecting to be pinned by her questions. He stammered for a moment.

"Spit it out Will. Why did Jay hit you?"

"Who's to say I didn't hit him first?" He countered.

Erin just stared. "Do you know how many fights I've been in? Do you know how long I've been a cop? How many fights I've broken up? Jay threw the first punch, the bruise on his face came from below, like someone had to get out of his hold and let an elbow fly," she stated dryly.

Will looked away. Girl knew her stuff. "Jay didn't tell you?"

"You're bother's a stubborn ass whose taking advantage of my diminished capacity." Will raised an eyebrow at her high handed talk. "He's managed to avoid the conversation so far," Erin admitted, slightly embarrassed.

"Trust me, there's nothing that seems diminished about you right now detective," Will replied sarcastically.

"Then spill it Doctor." Erin dared him.

"I, it's not really my place." Will faltered.

"Will," Erin stated as a warning.

"Yes ma'am," Will knew better than to mess with that tone. He'd heard enough stories about her to know she'd make his life a living hell if he didn't tell her what had happened. Besides its not like he'd been the one to attack Jay. He didn't mind getting his brother in trouble with his girl. Will came and sat in the chair beside Erin's bed. He rubbed his legs with the palm of his hands nervously, contemplating what to tell her. "And here I was thinking I'd come cheer you up with funny stories about my brother." He said, trying to distract her from her mission one last time.

"You can stir the pot in a minute Will, first tell me what happened with you and Jay," Erin said more gently.

"I screwed up." He shrugged. "well at least in Jays eyes I screwed up, and when it comes to you that's not an option. He felt the need to remind me of that." Will didn't offer more.

Erin was confused. "What are you talking about? Connor has been my doctor since I was admitted. He said I'm getting better. How could you have screwed up?"

Will sighed realizing he was going to have to give her the whole story. "When you were unconscious I sent Jay out to get some food. He refused to leave your side. I promised to stay with you and only then did he go but then I got a page to return to the ED, we had multiple traumas inbound. He didn't tell me you would likely have a reaction the the anesthesia and meds and you ended up waking up alone. Jay flipped out on me for leaving you."

Erin took in what Will told her. She was slightly embarrassed remembering her panic attack and was actually happy it had only been Jay that saw her that way. "It's okay Will, it wasn't your fault."

"Tell that to your boyfriend," he grunted.

Erin still got butterflies when people referee to Jay with that label. They'd rarely referred to each other in that context. Despite not hiding their relationship and having Hank's okay, they still didn't flaunt things around other people and they were still careful to maintain a level of professionalism around colleagues, even off duty. "I'm sorry he shouldn't have come after you."

Will shrugged, "it's okay. I get it. You're pretty much his whole world and it's not the first time we've thrown fists at each other, won't be the last. We communicate pretty well that way," he chuckled.

Erin let Will's words wash over her. 'You're pretty much his whole world' was it true? What had Jay said to Will about her? She wanted to ask more but she didn't want to seem like a love sick teenager. "You said something about childhood stories?" Erin raised an eyebrow and changed the subject. She'd talk to Jay about the fight but she was afraid if she said anything more to Will he'd peg her for a love sick fool.

Will laughed, "oh do I have some stories to tell you."

/

Jay could hear the laughter before he even got to Erin's door. He frowned in jealousy. Why was it everytime he left the room whoever was visiting her had her laughing? He needed to fix that. He wanted to make her laugh too.  
Jay shook his head at his childish thinking. If she only knew half the things she had him thinking she'd run screaming for the hills.

As he rounded the corner Jay came to halt. There was his brother flying Danny around the room like a plane while the boy giggled and clapped and Erin and Olive looked on in amusement. Erin's eyes were lit up as she watched the joy on her nephews face. His jealously was replaced by contentment. He'd feared the worst when he left, yet here she was, stuck in the hospital, on her birthday and smiling and laughing. He forgave his brother for being the one to put the smile on her face, he was just so happy to see it there.

When Erin spied Jay in the doorway her eyes lit further and her smile widened. "Hey you, what are you doing back so soon? You were supposed to rest," she gently admonished him. Erin scanned him over. He'd showered and shaved and was wearing clean clothes but he still looked tired. He wasn't gone long enough to have gotten any rest.

Jay shrugged and moved more fully into the room, "I'm good, I'll put this in the bathroom?" He asked indicating the bag of her things he'd retrieved. Erin nodded and Jay left momentarily to deposit the bag.

Will's pager went off and he returned Danny to Olive apologetically. "Well, lovely ladies it's been fun but duty calls," he said with a charming grin. "Danny, my boy it was fun flying with you," Will ruffled the baby's hair. He eyed Jay with a shit eating grin then walked over to Erin, surprising her with a hug. "Thanks for the talk. I'll pop up later to check on you," Jay eyed them distrustingly and Will clapped him on the shoulder a little too hard. "Catch you later baby brother." With that Will took off for the ED.

Olive shifted uncomfortably in the ensuing silence as Jay stared Erin down waiting for clarification on what his meddlesome brother had meant but Erin just blinked up at him and declined to elaborate. Let him stew for a bit, she thought. Erin pulled her gaze from Jay and instead focused on Olive and the baby.

"So how are you?" Erin asked enthusiastically.

"We're great! Justin sends his love."

"I'm sure he does, along with a few jokes at my expense," Erin rolled her eyes.

"He said it was his job as little brother. But don't worry I told him off," Olive laughed.

"Why thank you," Erin laughed. Jay, resigning himself to the fact that Erin was going to ignore him if he didn't drop the Will thing, settled in a chair on the opposite side of Erin's bed. Satisfied she'd won the round Erin offered Jay a smile and slipped her hand into his. He gave it a gentle squeeze. As much as she'd wanted him to go and rest his presence was welcome. Erin hated being in the hospital.

Olive nervously glanced at Erin then Jay before reaching into her diaper bag and pulling something out. "We made our favourite Auntie a little get well soon slash happy birthday gift, didn't we little man?" Olive cooed at Danny.

The spark went out of Erin's eyes at the mention of her birthday. She felt Jays eyes on her. She'd almost forgotten that it was today but Olive was helping Danny hand Erin a small colourful gift bad with mounds of tissue paper spilling out the top. She forced a smile.

"Thank you. Do you want to help me open it?" she asked her nephew sweetly as Danny tried to swipe a handful of tissue.

"Sorry he loves the paper. I swear he's found the gift and pulled the tissue out five times since I wrapped it yesterday."

Erin smiled. "That's okay. Can you put him beside me so he can help?" Olive obliged and Erin encourages Danny to pull out the paper.

"How did you even know it was my birthday?"

"Dragged it out of Justin when Danny was born. He said you didn't like making a big deal out of it but your his only auntie so.." Olives voice trailed off and she shrugged her shoulders apologeticly. "It means a lot to me, the way you and Hank have accepted me, accepted this," Olive admitted referring to Danny's unplanned arrival and the way everyone had embraced the news.

What could Erin say to that? She knew first hand what that acceptance had meant to her own life. She smiled at Olive then kissed Danny's forehead. "Nothing's more important than family to Hank," Erin whispered.

Olive nodded her understanding. Erin finished unwrapping the tissue from the gift and stared at what lay in her lap. Her heart swelled and ached at the simple but beautiful gesture that lay before her. Olive had framed a collage of pictures depicting Danny and Erin from the day of his birth to their most recent visit. In the middle were Danny's tiny hand prints and over top was nearly printed a simple poem.

'My Aunt  
Strong and brave, she kisses my fears away. Witty and wise, she'll never lead me astray. Beautiful and kind, it's her hugs I seek.  
Dependable and honest my secrets she'll keep.  
Like a mother, a friend, a cheerleader, a teacher there is no love that will ever run deeper.'

Erin's eyes filled with tears. She was powerless to stop them reading the touching sentiment.  
She tried to choke them back and form words to thank Olive for the sweetness of her simple gift but they wouldn't come. Instead she scooped Danny up and buried her face in his neck, inhaling the soft smell of his baby soap. It was true he wasn't blood but she loved this little boy with her whole heart and knew she'd move mountains for him if needed. He was her family.

"I'm sorry, I'm not the greatest poet," Olive apologized tentatively.

Erin's head shot up, tears shining on her cheeks. "You wrote that?" she whispered.

Olive nodded self consciously.

"Oh Olive," Erin breathed. "It's beautiful. I love it, clearly," she said waving to her face and letting out a small laugh, "because I'm sobbing. It's amazing. Thank you so much."

Olive smiled more confidently, "it's nothing big. Justin said not to make a big deal."

"It's wonderful. Thank you," Erin reassured her. Erin extended her arm out to her and Olive leaned in for a hug. Danny squirmed between them and the both laughed and peppered him with kisses.

Jay had sat quietly holding his breath as he watched Erin unwrap the gift. He'd been right about her loosing track of time in the hospital and was prepared for the worst when the reality of her birthday hit her. He now breathed out slowly. Erin was doing okay, for now. He smiled and offered his encouragement when Erin turned to show him the gift. He scanned each photo memorizing the way she smiled and looked so at ease in her nephew's company. She clearly adored the little boy and her role as Auntie.

It wasn't often he'd seen them together. Jay hadn't really attended any family events yet, a subject he hadn't pushed given her 'father' was his boss and despite giving his blessing he still felt, and knew Erin did as well, uncomfortable putting their personal relationship in his face. Better to 'keep it professional' where Voight was concerned in case he decided the line between partner and boyfriend was too thin after all.

Jay listened as the two women visited and chatted about Danny. Erin shared some stories about Justin when he was younger. Some from when she came to live with the Voight's and some Camille had shared with her. Olive laughed recalling the Justin she'd gone to high school with and pondered at the handful Danny was going to be if he took after his dad.

"Don't worry Olive, I'll teach you the secret to handling the Voight men," Erin teased with a wink and they both laughed.

The sound made Jay want to do a happy dance. A week ago he would never have believed he'd see her laughing on her birthday, and the day still had one more surprise in store for her. He just hoped he'd done the right thing by making that phone call.


	41. Chapter 41

"So Will came to visit you while I was gone?" Jay hedged shortly after Olive left. 

Erin smiled at Jay as she swirled her spoon around what the orderly had claimed was her lunch. She was kinda surprised, it was her birthday after all, why the hell was she eating hospital food today of all days. Well eating wasn't exactly the right word, as she'd yet to bring spoon to mouth. No she didn't want to think about her birthday and all her failures attached to this day. And she'd made it clear she didn't want anyone else to either but she though Jay had said he was bringing her lunch back when he left to get her stuff. 

Jay watched her play with her food. She hadn't answered him yet about Will. He wanted to know what had them so chummy when he'd come back with Erin's clothes but he also couldn't bare to watch her attempt to eat whatever substance was in that bowl. 

"You have real food on the way," Jay confessed. "Antoinio's coming by but he got hung up in court. He should be here in about twenty minutes." 

Erin let out a sigh and pushed her tray back. "Thank god," she moaned. 

"You don't think I'd actually let you eat that stuff, do you?" Jay laughed. 

Erin just shrugged. Now that her lunch plans had improved she was ready to focus on Jay's earlier question. "He said you hit him because of me," she stated without segway.

It took Jay only a moment to change directions with her. "He told you about the fight," he said unimpressed. Leave it to Will to sell him out. 

"He did, I didn't really give him much choice." Erin admitted. 

Jay smiled. He took some comfort in the fact that Will had fallen to Erin's intimidation. He'd no doubt, even from a hospital bed, she could be extremely persuasive. His brother wouldn't stand a chance against a woman like Erin. 

Erin stared at him. "What?" He asked. 

"You were out of line," she observed flatly. 

"Was I?" He said, too innocently. 

"Yes. You shouldn't have hit him. It wasn't his fault." 

Jay ran his hand across the back of his neck and blew out a breath while he sorted out his thoughts. "I know, I just.... Erin if you had seen the car... and then the truck caught on fire," Jay closed his eyes remembering how he'd though he was going to loose her. 

Erin grabbed his hand "Hey," she whispered. 

He squeezed back. "Watching you get loaded into an ambo is something I never want to see again," he confessed meeting her eyes.   
Erin met his gaze and nodded. She understood. The tension of the situation had built up inside Jay and unfortunately for Will he'd been Jay's release. She wasn't okay with that. 

"I get it but it wasn't fair to take all that out on your brother." She reprimanded him softly. 

Jay shrugged. "Maybe not. But he'll live. He clearly wasn't suffering when he was here just now." Jay grumbled. 

Erin smiled. Jay had such a tremulous relationship with his brother. They were just as likely to kill someone defending the other as they were to actually kill each other at times. "You should apologize." 

Jay jerked his head back and scoffed. Clearly her head wound was more serious than they'd thought. 

"Jay," Erin appealed. "He didn't deserve it. You made a scene in his work place. You could have done some serious damage, preventing him from working." 

"He's fine. Will knows how to take a punch. The poor baby will live," Jay waved off her misplaced concern for his brother. Jay had no doubt Will had played up the victim card. But he was surprised she'd bought into it. "Besides its not like he didn't get a shot in," Jay reminded her pointing to his chin. 

"You deserved it." Erin said flatly. It wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. "Apologize." Erin advised him. "Please," she said, "I don't want you fighting with him over me. He's your brother."

Jay's stubbornness subsided. He didn't like the idea of apologizing to Will. It wasn't their style. They duked it out then moved on like it hadn't happened. But Erin was clearly in an emotional headspace today and he didn't want to upset her, especially not after she'd managed to find a bit of joy this morning so he conceded, sort of. He nodded at her but refused to go as far as verbally making any promises. Erin regarded him carefully for a moment but seemed satisfied with his answer. 

"So what is Antonio bring me for lunch?" Erin asked eagerly. Jay smiled. It made him happy to see her hungry and looking forward to eating. 

"Don't get too excited, you're still not allowed solids," Jay reminded her. Erin frowned at him and Jay giggled. "It won't be much longer I'm sure. Did the test results come in while I was gone?" 

Erin shook her head no. "Still waiting, but I'd eat a shoe if it meant I could get out of this bed and shower," Erin confessed. 

Jay laughed sympathetically. He wasn't sure he'd be able to lay there either. "How's the pain? Do you need anything?"

Erin shrugged. She didn't want to admit just how bad the throbbing was in her foot right now. But Jay knew his partner. "Foot or tummy?"

"Foot," she confessed. "Tummy feels a bit better."

Jay stood and moved around the bed. He rearranged the pillows her leg was propped up on then slid his hand under the blankets and began running his hand up and down her leg above her cast. Erin closed her eyes. The heat from his hand and gentle pressure relieved some of the tension in her leg muscles. She moaned softly. 

Jay smiled. "Feel good?" He asked quietly. Erin only nodded. 

Jay continued gently massaging her leg but leaned up close to her face. The warmth of his breath on her cheek caused her eyes to open. She looked straight into his deep blue gaze before lifting her head slightly to kiss him. He cupped the back of her head with his free hand and gently deepened the kiss. Erin placed her hand against his neck letting his kisses block out everything else. The pain faded away, both physical and mental, and for a moment nothing existed but the press of his lips against hers and the warmth of his hands on her body. 

Somewhere in the distance a gruff coughing invaded her momentary escape. It broke the spell and Jay gently pulled away to see where the sound came from. Erin frowned as reality, along with the pulsing pain, came back into focus. She shot daggers at the offending noise. 

"Hey it's cool, I can take this food back to the district and eat it myself," Antonio laughed when he saw her expression. Erin instantly soften. Her meal had arrived, a girl could forgive hot kisses being interrupted for decent food. 

////

As Antonio left after lunch Connor came in to update Erin. The test results had come in. He was still concerned with her abdominal injuries and didn't want her moving around too much, but if she agreed to letting a nurse help her and didn't bend or lift anything, he'd okay the shower and allow her to get in and out of bed to use the bathroom. Jay thought Erin was going to jump up and kiss Rhodes she'd been so happy. 

As soon as the nurse arrived to remove her catheter, and help her shower, Erin banished Jay from the room with strict marching orders to not bother returning until he found Will and apologized. Jay begrudgingly left, hands jammed in pockets. 

He did not want to apologize. 

He'd never live it down. 

In fact he pondered all the ways he could make Will disappear without Erin suspecting rather than have to listen to Will bust his balls about how a girl had him so whipped he'd actually apologized. 

Erin just didn't get it. He wondered momentarily if he should talk to Rhodes about another head scan. But he suspected her reaction had more to do with her emotional head space today. She saw the burses and immediately thought of the type of violence and anger she'd grown up with, the type of abusive assholes they put behind bars regularly. 

This wasn't like that. He'd never lay a hand on her, or any decent human being. Nor would Will, ever. He knew underneath she knew that. They were brothers. Boys. They didn't sit and talk about their feelings. They duked it out. Used the physical outlet to expel the raging emotions they didn't know how to express. He loved his self centred ass of a brother. Would die for him. So what if he'd taken his frustration out on his face, God knows Will had come home more than a few times from being beaten senseless by bullies when they were kids to take it out on Jay. What they did was no different than her going to the gym and going a few rounds in a boxing ring, they just forego'd the gloves and mouth guards. 

He blew out a frustrated breath as he approached the doors of the ED. He could see Will leaning against the desk flirting up a storm with Nat. Another thing about his playboy brother he didn't understand. 

Until he'd done a 180 and decided to stay in Chicago last year, Will had made it a habit of hoping in and out of as many hot babes beds as he could. Now here he was mooning over his newly widowed co-worker, fresh off maternity leave. Her name had repeatedly come up over their weekly pizza and beer. She seemed nice enough, poor girl. He wondered if he should warn her but Nat didn't seem to be falling pray to Will's so called charm and she pushed off the desk returning her attention to the waiting patients. 

Jay sucked it up, might as well get it over with, and pushed through the doors. 

"Hey little brother. Princess finally get sick of you and realize you'd never be more than an ugly toad?" Will teased. 

Jay snorted. "I'll give you a c note if you call her that to her face."

Will laughed. "Maybe I already have."

Jay looked at him skeptical. "Ok maybe I was running out the door, responding to a page while I did it," Will confessed. At Jay's continued scepticism he added, "And maybe she was unconscious," he laughed and so did Jay. 

"That's about the only way you'd still be living," Jay teased. 

"I believe you," Will said soberly. 

Maggie interrupted, letting Will know he had a new patient waiting and handed him a chart. 

"What did you need?" Will asked Jay as he looked the chart over. 

Jay shifted, looking around the busy ED. At his silence Will looked up at his brother. Realization dawned on him. 

"She wants you to apologize," Will preened. 

"Don't," Jay warned firmly. 

Will's smile softened. "She doesn't get it." He offered empathetically. 

Jay shook his head. 

"No I suppose not many people would. Forget it, it's done," Will announced. 

Jay mistrusted Will's offer. 

"Seriously forget it." Will said again. 

"You're turing down an opportunity of a lifetime of gloating?" Jay asked disbelieving. 

Will shrugged. "Consider it your lucky day."

Jay eyed him suspiciously. 

"Look I've no desire to be on the receiving end any more than you the giving. If she asks it's done. We're good. Besides I got my thrill ratting you out." Will laughed. 

"Now there's the bother I know and love," Jay said sarcastically. 

Will chuckled louder. "Get out of here, I got sick people to fix up," Will tapped Jay's arm with the chart then turned and walked towards a treatment room. Jay stood there dumbfounded for a moment. Will was full of surprises these days.


	42. Chapter 42

It had been the most amazing and horrific experience all at once. But in the end having clean hair and body was worth the mortification of having a nurse in the room with her while she manoeuvred around IV lines and casts that couldn't get wet while balancing her weight on one shaky leg that hadn't been used in days. She was even wearing her own pj's now. Soft and comfortable. 

Erin was about to climb up on the freshly changed bed, a task that was apparently intimidating the hell out of her, for getting out of bed had proven one of the most painful things she'd ever experienced, when Jay poked his head around the door. 

"Hey, let me help with that," he called out, quickly crossing the room. Before she could reply, Jay had gently scoped her up and placed her on the bed."

"Jay," she laughed, embarrassed. 

"You want to end up back in surgery or stuck on desk duty the rest of your career?" He asked, irritation at her stubbornness in his voice. 

Erin shook her head. 

"Then let us, let ME help you Erin," he stated firmly. "I'd like my partner back sooner rather than later."

"Did you do it?" She questioned, referring to his apology to Will and avoiding his frustration with her. 

"It's taken care of," he replied flatly. 

"Thank you," she said, placing a kiss on his cheek. "For the help and the apology." 

Jay's expression softened and he nodded. "How was the shower?"

"Good. I feel more human now," she smiled. 

"Not to painful?" 

"No, just the getting in and out of bed part," she reassure him. 

"Then don't do it without help," he kissed her forehead to soften his admonishment, then Jay looked at his watch. 

"Hot date?" She teased. He laughed. "Jay if you need to go, it's okay. You can't be expected to be here all the time."

"I want to be here. But I've a hunch Voight's gonna call me back in the next day or so."

"I feel bad, everyone's picking up my slack." Erin admitted. 

"No ones complaining about the overtime Erin. And they know you'd do it for them."

"You didn't answer about the time. Is something going on?" 

"How are you feeling? You haven't slept in awhile. Do you want to try to have a nap?" 

"Jay?"

"Ever the curious detective you are," he teased. "No, I've nowhere to be. You've had a busy day I was just wondering if you should sleep before dinner."

Erin stopped to consider. "I am kinda tired. But honestly I loved seeing Danny and the stories your brother told me this morning really made my day," she said with a sly smile. 

"Stories?"

"Umm hmm," she said as she wiggled down into the blankets. "I'm pretty tired now Jay. You're right I should nap." 

Jay opened and closed his mouth. He should have made Will disappear when he had the chance. He wanted to ask what kind of nonsense he'd filed Erin's head with and adamantly deny whatever Will had accused him of but, despite her tactic to rile him up he knew she really was tired. He'd fish it out of her later. 

He must have dozed off himself because next thing he knew there was soft knocking on Erin's room door and a petite girl with a long brown braid and wide eyes tentatively stepped in the room. 

"Hi Jay," she whispered. "Is it okay to come in?" 

Jay smiled brightly. "Of course. We were waiting for you." Jay smiled at her. 

The voices made Erin stir. She stretched gingerly and tried to clear the fog from her head so she could focus on who was here. Erin's eyes went wide. This had been the last person she'd expected a visit from. She wasn't really comfortable with the young girl seeing her like this. She wondered who told her, then reading Jay's tentative expression, knew Jay had contacted her. 

"Amy!" Erin tried to greet the girl enthusiastically. 

"Hi Erin. Jay called to say you were here and had to miss our dinner this week and I know how much you don't like missing our dinners so Jay and Julie though it would be okay if maybe I brought dinner to you?" Amy offered in a nervous ramble. She'd come so far since they'd met two years ago but Amy's shyness came out when she was in unfamiliar situations. 

Erin had kept in touch with Amy ever since she'd convinced Hank to let her take Amy home after finding her held captive by a foster parent in a pedophile ring. She, and Nadia, had become quickly attached to the girl, both identifying with the abandoned and abused child in their own way. Erin had made sure she was placed with a trustworthy foster family and she and Nadia had maintained a relationship with her, neither woman fully confident the system wouldn't some how find a way to fail the sweet child again. Erin was determined to watch over her, be someone Amy could turn too and show her that the bad stuff was indeed behind her. Erin had carved out time to go over to the girls house once a month for dinner. Nadia had taken her to the movies and shopping a few times. Her foster family had encouraged Amy to try new activities and both woman had been sure to attend her piano recitals and sports events when work allowed. 

Julie, Amy's foster mother, stepped forward when Erin didn't answer right away. "Erin if its too much just say so. I warned Amy you may not be up for it." 

"No no it's okay. I'm happy to see you, just surprised. Come in," Erin recovered. 

The women came and sat, spreading their picnic feast across Erin's bed tray. They'd managed to find some tasty recipes that fit more or less within Erin's current food restrictions. While they ate Amy filled Jay and Erin in on the latest school gossip. 

Once they were done and cleaned up Amy glanced at Julie and Julie made some excuse for her and Jay to leave the room. When they left Amy begain playing with her hands in silence. Erin found the behaviour odd. Amy was usually so comfortable with Erin. They'd discussed all kinds of things openly. 

"So ah, I, um," Amy stammered nervously. 

"What's up sweetie?" Erin encouraged. 

Amy still couldn't find her words.

"Hey," Erin said, reaching for her hand. "You and me can talk about anything, remember?" It was hard for Erin to think Amy didn't feel comfortable with her. 

Amy nodded, took a deep breath and started. "I remembered it was your birthday today and I, umm, I know it's also a sad day because of well...." While Amy was aware of Nadia's murder, Julie and Erin had kept the details to a minimum, for fear it would set Amy's progress back, she was after all barely 10 when it had happened. 

"It's okay Amy." Erin squeezed her hand. It wasn't really. Erin didn't want to think about this now but clearly her young friend had something she needed to express and Erin could never shut her down. 

"I miss Nadia," Amy admitted. "So I figured you did too. And I got you something." Amy produced a small square box from her bag. It was wrapped in sparkly pink paper and tide carefully with a sliver ribbon. Tentatively, Amy placed the gift on the bed beside Erin. 

Feeling increasingly uncomfortable but still refusing to do anything to cause Amy any more upset, Erin picked up the gift and slowly unwrapped it. Nestled inside the box lay a delicate silver chain. From it dangled an equally delicate silver dolphin encrusted with smooth multicoloured stones. 

Nadia loved dolphins, is the first painful thought that came to mind for Erin. She checked her emotions and looked up at Amy appreciatively. 

"So I was reading a book on spirit animals a little while ago, I kinda like that stuff," she admitted self consciously. "and the dolphin, which I don't know if you know, but it was Nadia's favourite animal. When we were at the mall once she spent like forever picking out the perfect glass dolphin figurine. Actually it's the one you sent to me after, she, umm..... Anyway I was reading this book and the dolphin, It's supposed to like protect you and also bring you peace and strength and joy and I umm, I know you were really sad when Nadia died. I was too. And I know it kinda ruined your birthday. And Julie," Amy continued in a nervous ramble, "she saw how sad I was and she said that when people like die we shouldn't be sad we should celebrate their lives. And I just thought maybe... That maybe this would help. It would help keep you safe from all the bad guys but also you know like make you feel better because maybe Nadia is watching over us and we don't have to be sad because she's still with us and, I don't know," Amy stumbled, tears now filling her eyes, "Maybe we can get some strength and happiness from that." She concluded gulping a big breath. She had gone back to twisting her fingers together and staring at her hands while she struggled to explain her thought process. 

Erin didn't know what to say. She stared at the necklace willing herself to keep herself composed in front of Amy. She did not want to think about Nadia or talk about her feelings. Especially with Amy. Amy who looked up to Erin as a protector and mentor. She scoffed internally, if only Amy knew what Erin had done, had failed to do. If Amy only knew Erin was responsible for taking Nadia from her life. Would she still look at Erin like that? Eyes full of admiration and eager to please Erin? But here she sat, pouring her heart out, trying to find some way to offer Erin some of the peace and comfort she was seeking herself. 

Erin was in awe of the girl, so much braver than herself, confronting and discussing her pain. Erin fingered the necklace charm and allowed herself to consider Amy's words. This girl was amazing. Wise beyond her years. She'd been exposed, far to young, to the dark underbelly of humanity. Yet she'd thrived since going to live with Julie and Mike. 

"If you don't like it it's okay," Amy whispered. 

Erin shook her head. "No Amy, no. I love it. I do. I'm just a bit overwhelmed," she admitted. Amy deserved her honestly. She'd put herself out there. Erin owed her that in return. "This is.... It's hard for me to talk about. This gift, this is so incredibly sweet of you. Come here." Erin put out her arms and the young girl flew forward, wrapping Erin in a tight hug that caused her ribs and belly to contract in pain. Erin forced herself not to react to the pain but she lost her battle with composure and tears slipped from her eyes. 

"I don't blame you," Amy choked out between tears, her voice muffled in Erin's shoulder. "I just want you to know that." Amy sat back. "Julie said, that sometimes people who help other like you do, that sometimes they feel like they didn't do enough to help." Erin remembered how she'd shut out the world after Nadia's death and wondered what Julie would have had to tell Amy to explain Erin's sudden absence at a time when her support was most needed. A flash of guilt at having broken yet another promise to yet another person she loved sat in her belly. "But that's not true. I know it's not. I know you would have done everything... like you did for me. You would have saved her if it was possible," Amy gulped and squeezed Erin tight again. 

Erin's feeling swirled, confused and unnamable. She took a deep breath willing herself to pull it together for Amy's sake. "I'm so proud of you sweetie. So so proud. Nadia would be too." Erin sat Amy back from her so they could look each other in the eyes. Erin's tear stained cheeks matched Amy's. "Thank you for this, for the necklace. Thank you for coming to see me today." 

"I'm sorry I made you cry," Amy offered, sniffing and settling her own emotions. 

"No Amy, it's okay. I'm glad you came." She was really. Amy's perspective bounced around in Erin's head shaking loose some of the self hate she'd started to bury herself in again. 

"Really?" 

"Yes really," Erin said, wiping the tears from Amy's cheeks. "This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me on my birthday. You make me feel special."

"Good," Amy stated, some pride and confidence returning to her voice. "Because you make me feel special too." Amy's eyes lit with an idea. "Maybe... maybe we can do this every year! Well not the like hospital part because I don't want you to get hurt, but maybe we can do something happy and special instead of being sad for... well... you know..." Amy shrugged, loosing confidence in her idea. She dropped her head and began playing with her hands again. 

Erin placed her fingers under Amy's chin and lifted her head until Amy looked her in the eyes. "I think that's a great idea."

Amy smiled, pleased Erin liked the idea. 

A knock came on the door and Julie and Jay appeared. 

"We have to get going honey. You have to get up early for soccer practice." Julie softly announced. 

Amy sighed in disappointment, "Okay" she conceded. She gave Erin another big hug and Erin thanked them again, promising to call when she was released from the hospital. 

Jay saw them to the door then slowly approached the bed. Erin sat staring at the gift in her lap. 

"Nice necklace," Jay said pointing to the box. 

"Yeah," Erin smiled sadly as she fingered the charm. She was still trying to process Amy's ideas. She'd agreed to the anniversary idea simply because she thought it would help Amy move forward. She couldn't bare seeing Amy so sad, she'd been through so much. 

"Will you help me put it on? Can't do much with this," Erin admitted, holding up her braced hand. 

"Of course." Jay took the necklace from Erin. "Pretty smart girl," he hedged as he did brought the chain around Erin's neck. 

"You were listening?" she turned her head to shoot an accusing look at him. He had the brains to look ashamed. 

"Sorry. Julie thought it best. She's been concerned about Amy the last few days." He said as he brushed her hair aside and carefully did up the clasp of the necklace. 

"It's okay. She misses Nadia." Erin said sadly. Then shook her head. "You're right. She is a smart girl." Erin fingered the necklace around her neck. "A hell of a lot smarter than me."

"Maybe," he offered with a sly smile. 

"Shut up," she smacked him lightly, smiling back. 

Jay chuckled. "I'll let you hit me all day if it's gonna make you smile like that," he confessed. 

Erin felt warmth spread through her at his teasing comment. And without stopping to overanalyze it she spoke her mind. 

"I love you." 

Jays eyes went big with surprise, then delight. He reached out and cupped her cheek. A soft smile spread across his face. His eyes softening with emotion. 

"I love you too, so damn much." 

She couldn't help the smile that grew so big her cheeks hurt. "I know," she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. 

They both laughed at the cheesiness of the moment, they didn't do this, but it needed to be said. It was her apology for not keeping her promises, a bond that neither would break, a step forward that she needed to take and couldn't undo. Erin knew she couldn't run anymore. Not from this man. She knew there was nothing he wouldn't see her though nor she him. His actions over the last few days proved that. He'd gone above and beyond to make sure she felt the love of the people who mattered most to her. 

He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips. And then another, deeper one. Within moments Erin's skin flushed with excitement and anticipation. Jay broke the kiss suddenly, resting his head against her forehead panting. "You had to say it while you're stuck in the hospital, didn't you," he teased. 

Erin giggled. "Sorry," she shrugged, teasingly, "I can take it back if you li..."

"NO!" He cut in. "Hell no. Don't you dare!" He warned. 

She smiled and touched his cheek. "I won't," she whispered, "not ever."

He nodded, "me neither."

"Thank you,"she offered genuinely. 

"For what?"

"Everything. Amy, Teddy. Being here. Being so patient with all of my shit." She laughed self deprecatingly. 

Jay nodded. He had something he wanted to say but hesitated. He wasn't sure she was ready to hear it but he took a risk. 

"Happy birthday," he whispered.

Her eyes glossed over as she looked at him. The corner of her lips lifted slightly, then she pulled him back to her and buried her head in his neck, wrapping her arms around him. Jay held her for a long time listening to her soft breath as it tickle his neck. She didn't cry nor did she say anything to indicate how she was feeling but he liked to think that maybe this time next year she might not run and hide. Maybe she might even smile. 

///

They'd fallen into comfortable silence watching tv when Hank pushed open the door later that evening. 

"Hey kiddo," he called quietly to her. She smiled and lifted her arms, inviting him to come hug her. She'd secretly hoped he'd come today. He let his gentle embrace linger a little longer then normal and deposited a firm kiss on the top of her head. Jay excused himself to give them time alone. "How are you doing?" he asked, looking her over carefully and perching beside her in the bed. 

She felt his laser focus comb over her but she had nothing she cared to hide from him right now. "Pretty good actually, they let me have a shower."

Hank laughed at the enthusiasm in her voice, as if she'd announced she'd won the lottery.   
"That's good."

"It is," she laughed back. 

"How was your dinner with Amy?"

"Nice," Erin replied, not sure she liked how much Jay and Hank had obviously been communicating about her. She showed him the necklace Amy had given her but didn't mention the meaning behind it. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's okay. I know you're short right now." 

"I am. How are you managing?"

Erin knew what he was really asking. He wanted to know if she'd end up in the psych ward instead of here if they left her alone. "It's okay Hank, I'll be good without him."

"You're sure?" 

Erin nodded. "Yeah. Rhodes said I'd be going home soon anyway. I know you need him. I'm sorry I've caused so much trouble." 

Hank nodded, "I'm use to your brand of trouble," he teased tapping her on the nose lightly. "Not sure I'd enjoy life much without it." He changed the subject before things became too sentimental. "How's my grandson?"

Erin smiled brightly then chattered on about Danny, showing Hank her birthday gift. 

Hank smiled warmly at the pictures of Erin and Danny . "I'll have to ask Olive for copies of these. My grandson's a lucky boy." He said looking at her, pride shining in his eyes. 

Erin shifted under his gaze. She would never get use to compliments but his approval always felt good. 

"We're all lucky to have you Erin," he stated firmly. 

"I'm the lucky one I think," she said. She was grateful for the reminders she'd had of that in the last two days. 

////

After Hank left Jay helped Erin walk to the bathroom then she'd tried one last time to convince him to go home and get some rest since Hank had announced Jay'd be back to work tomorrow on his way out. He'd refused to even discuss the idea of leaving her. So she conceded and settled in to sleep. 

It had been a better day then she could have imagined. She glanced down at her bandaged wrist feeling like a lifetime had passed since the morning in the gym when she hurt it. She'd been given so many gifts today including the new softer memories that now lived amongst the old painful ones. She still felt responsible for Nadia's death and knew she always would. She still ached when she through of the people she'd loved fearcely and lost. She knew that wouldn't change either. But there was new love in her life too. People she needed to protect and be there for, people who wanted to be there for her. Shutting them out, denying that, wouldn't make the ache any less either she was beginning to realize. She wasn't going to give up on them. Or herself. 

"Jay," she whispered in the darkened room. 

"Yeah?" he answered. 

"Will you do something for me?" she asked softly. 

"Of course,"he said, becoming more alert. 

"Will," she hesitated, embarrassed, then starters again. "Will you lay with me? On the bed?"

He didn't answer and she felt silly for asking, but a moment later she heard him get up from the chair and then felt his hands come under her as he gently helped her shift over, making room for him on the bed. He climbed up and lay on her good side, above the covers. Erin curled her head into his chest the best she could and Jay's arms came to rest around her. They lay like that in silence for a few moments, his lips pressed against her forehead. She knew she was safe here. She knew he wouldn't let her fall again. She knew he loved her as much as she loved him. 

And with that knowledge she stopped fighting the ache. She was so tired of pushing it down and pretending it wasn't there for fear it would consume her. She realized she hadn't really let herself heal this last year, only learned how to hide more effectively from the pain. She knew he wouldn't let it pull her down. She knew she wouldn't let it. She knew she was stronger now and that the last few weeks had just been years of old habits kicking in when things got tough. She wrapped her arms around him and let the tears fall. Letting her family help her made her stronger, not weaker. Jay stroked her hair softly as her body trembled. 

"I got you," he whispered. "Always."


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so nervous about posting the last chapter. It was a big one for me personally as I've spent ages pondering how Erin would get past her grief and when and how Erin would finally (because to me Erin had to be the one to say it first) tell Jay she loved him. I wrote and discarded several different scenes and finally settled on the hospital scene. When the reviews and messages started coming in I felt an overwhelming sense of relief (I was sure no one would like it) and gratitude.   
> It's seems silly that a little piece of nonsense fanfic could have such a big piece of my heart, but it does and to hear that other people are connecting with it too fills me up in ways I didn't know I needed filling. I've said it before but I believe it can't be said enough, Thank you all so much for your support and feedback. It amazes me that so many of you take the time to review each chapter or send me a note. You all make my day and energize me. Special thank you's to my girls who listen to me ramble, preview scenes, hash out plot lines, dissect the shows and just generally deal with my crazy obsessiveness. 
> 
> PS charmita: there is so so much more to come, I'm not sure I could stop if I tried!!

She'd come to him. 

Finally. 

It had been painful, torture even, to lay there holding her trembling body while she finally released everything she'd bottled up. But he wouldn't have traded places with anyone in that moment. Eventually her shuttered breaths had evened out and she fell asleep with her braced arm wrapped tight around him, her good hand fisting his tshirt. 

Jay lay there in her darkened hospital room for a long time running through the events of the last few days. 

She'd finally said the words. Erin Lindsay admitted out loud she love him. He'd felt like a giddy school girl when it sunk in. 

He'd been completely caught off guard. He'd wanted to tell her a dozen times how much he loved her but knew the admission would send her running in the opposite direction. Her simple statement reassured him she really did mean all the other things she said and that she was finally read to be truly vulnerable with him. He had confidence now she'd work hard to keep her promises. 

His mind kept circling back around to the little girl in the picture and the birthday card addressed to Erin from Shelby. Were they connected? Was Shelby the little brown haired child next to the tiny version of Erin? And if so what did that mean? Or was Shelby someone Erin knew more recently? A victim she'd helped but lost? He knew how fully Erin threw herself into her job. She gave so much of herself, especially when kids were involved. Had she become attached to and then somehow lost someone she was trying to help? 

Once he'd exhausted every scenario he could think of, he proceeded to beat himself up for even looking in the box in the first place. He'd crossed a line, he knew, and coming clean to her wouldn't be easy. He didn't know how she'd take it but he knew he couldn't keep it a secret from her. 

He'd left her early this morning, promising he'd be back as soon as he could get away, to go home and get ready for work. He could still feel her sleepy kisses on his lips. 

"Halstead!" Jay's head snapped from the window behind Erin's desk back towards Mouse's desk and the direction his name had been barked from. "If your gonna sit there dreaming about throwing pebbles at windows all day..."

"I'm here, we're good. I called Judge Warren's office, his clerk said he'd get back to me in fifteen, judge was just about to take a recess," Jay replied to Voight's accusation, and focused back on the case they'd been working all morning. 

"And the dealership?" Voight barked. 

"Spoke with them, they agreed to cooperate and a uniforms picking up the surveillance tapes now," Jay confirmed. He caught Ruzek and Atwater making faces at him and glared back. This wasn't high school. They needed to mind their own damn business. 

Voight grunted and turned back to Mouse giving him instructions for when the tapes arrived then he stalked towards his office, shutting his door with a little too much force. Jay cringed. He needed to stay focused. They were running short and backed up. Last thing he needed to do was piss off Voight and screw things up for him and Erin after all the allowances Voight had just given them. 

Al's hand clasped Jay's shoulder from behind. "Hey kid don't sweat it. Come on. Check out this tow truck driver with me and we'll drop some lunch off to Lindsay on the way back."

Jay nodded appreciatively and pushed out of his chair, following Al down to his car. "Tell Pebbles we said hi, Bambam," Ruzek called out as Jay walked past. 

Atwater snickered. "I loved that cartoon man, vintage."

"You mean old," Ruzek laughed. 

"Nah man, vintage like O."

"Ha ha ha so funny," Jay bit out sarcastically and picked a pen off Atwater's desk to lob at Adam. Then Al 'accidentally' knocked all the files off Atwater's desk. 

"Hey man, not cool," Kevin called after Jay and Al. Jay ignored him, shuffling quickly down the stairs. 

Their stop in to see Erin had been brief but she'd looked better today. She was sitting in the chair Jay had occupied the last several days, dressed in the sweats and a tshirt he'd packed for her and his favourite black hoodie. He must have forgotten it there this morning in his dash to get home and then to work on time. She had her casted leg propped up in front of her. She and Maggie were talking in hushed giggles and when Jay walked in they'd taken one look at him and burst out laughing, a bright blush colouring Erin's cheeks. God she was beautiful... and he wanted to strangle her. What was she saying about him?

"I need to get back but call down if you need anything sweetie, Maggie said getting up to leave. "See you later freckles," she winked at Jay as she past him. Jay's face paled and a guilty faced Erin pretended to be interested in the frayed arm of her chair. 

"What stories exactly did Will tell you?" Jay asked his voice breaking as he spoke. 

"Is that my lunch?" Erin asked Al enthusiastically, pretending she hadn't hear Jay. 

Al chuckled and walked over to her. "Yeah it is. We checked in and the doc said you could try some solids today but nothing to heavy. We figured a sandwich from J.P's would go down nice?"

"Oh my god! Are you serious?" Erin shrieked enthusiastically. 

Al chuckled again. "Jay made me drive 12 blocks out of my way for that. But that look on your face was totally worth it," he said, placing the bag on the table beside her. 

"Thank you," she smiled up at them both. Jay paused from his glaring long enough to acknowledge her gratitude. 

"We can't stay kid, lots going on today. You need anything else?" Al asked. 

Erin shook her head "No this is great. Thank you," she said, her head buried in the paper bag trying to dig out her lunch. 

"Ok I'll see you later. Meet you in the car Jay," Al said, giving Jay a minute alone with Erin. 

He still stood above her glaring. "Freckles?" He asked accusingly. 

Erin shrugged and gave him her best puppy dog eyes. "I love your freckles," she mused. 

Jay licked his lips contemplating his response but he couldn't stay annoyed when she looked at him like that and used the word love in a sentence referring to him. Besides, he didn't have time to play games right now, as much as he wanted to. He sighed then bent to kiss her. "You will tell me what Will said to you," Jay warned playfully. 

"Or what?" Erin sasses back. 

Jay raised his eyebrows repeatedly implying there'd be 'consequences' and Erin laughed. She might actually enjoy Jay's trying to fish this information out of her. His phone buzzed and he quickly kissed her again before saying his goodbyes. 

"Halstead," she heard him say into the phone as he left the room. 

/// 

It was almost nine at night when he finally made his way up to Erin's room. Voight hadn't been kidding about things being busy. They'd got slammed right after Erin's accident and really couldn't afford to be down one detective let alone two. He'd texted her earlier to make sure someone was getting her some real food, happy to hear back that a couple of her girlfriends had popped by to hang out with her. He hoped they had already left. It had been a long day and he still needed to talk to her about the memory box. He knew as soon as they walked into the apartment she'd know he looked and he wanted to get out ahead of that. Make sure she knew he was coming clean because he wanted to not because he had to. 

No suck luck. He came in her room to see the girls sitting drinking coffee and talking a mile a minute, well all but Erin. She looked content but tired and was still in the chair, huddled under his hoodie, that she'd been in when he popped by at lunch. She smiles brightly and moved to stand when she saw him. 

"Jay," she said cheerfully. 

"Don't get up," he insisted coming to her aid. 

"No, I need to use the bathroom and then I think I'll go to bed," she said slipping her arms around him for a quick hug. 

"Well that's our cue ladies," Maddy, the most outspoken of the group announced. The girls began gathering their things, saying both hello and goodbye to Jay before giving Erin a hug and heading out. All but Kaitlin. She blushed shyly up at Jay before ducking her head and nervously mumbling her goodbyes to Erin. Erin watched her depart with a smile on her face. 

"She still has a crush on you, you know." She said cheekily. 

"Don't," Jay laughed. 

"She's single again, still not your type?" Erin poked.

Jay gave her a cocky smile, "someone else caught my attention." 

"Oh? Anyone I know?" She giggled. 

Jay didn't answer, just bent to kiss her. Like always things heated quickly and the sweet greeting turned heated. Erin's hands splayed against his chest and he placed his hands on her hips. He itched to let them explore but knew she was still covered in tender bruises and even if they were home there'd be no way things could go further. Erin gently pushed against him and Jay immediately broke the kiss. 

"What's wrong?" He looked her over concerned. 

She smiled shyly, "nothing I just really need to pee," she giggled. Jay let out a little chuckle and lent her an arm to help her walk. She changed while in the bathroom, a process all its own with a cast, an arm brace and a belly full of stitches, and then Jay helped her into bed. They talked about their days, Erin delivering the news that she'd be going home in two days max, and Jay filling her in on cases and district gossip. An hour had past in pleasant conversation when Jay decided to stop stalling and man up. 

A hesitant look came across Jay's face. He opened his mouth to speak then seemed to reconsider. The sudden change in his mood confused Erin. 

"What Jay?" She asked. 

He shifted in his chair and blew out a breath. 

"Whatever it is just say it," Erin encouraged. 

His eyes softened. He sat up and touched her cheek. But still he said nothing. His behaviour was starting to freak her out. And he couldn't seem to put his thoughts into words. She could usually read him like a book but she wasn't sure what was going on in his head right now. 

"Tell me Jay." She demanded, dread filling her. 

He closed his eyes. "Yesterday when I went to your place to get your stuff," he began. "I saw something when I went to your apartment. I tidied up the living room and I didn't mean to snoop but... It was there on the coffee table and... You'd been so distant and obviously upset. I was worried. And, I know I shouldn't have but..."

The box. She'd left the box laying out. She'd forgotten about that when she's coaxed Jay into leaving yesterday to rest under the guise of bringing her some pj's and personal things. Erin closed her eyes to calm her racing heart but a sense of betrayal washed over her. 

"You had no right to look," she said in a harsh whisper

"I know. I agree. I've just been so worried about you. You pulled away when you promised to come to me. I didn't know what was going on with you." He reasoned. 

Erin's mind raced... What had he seen? She frantically recalled the contents of the box. 

Pictures of Camille and Nadia. 

Okay. He knew the story there. 

Pictures of Karen. 

She could live with that. They're talked about her. 

Then her mind came to the book, had he opened it? Did he see what it hid? Fear and betrayal rose up. How could he do that? She trusted him and he went snooping through her things. 

"Erin I'm sorry," Jay began. "I know your upset but..."

"Get out," she demanded.

"What?" He said shocked. He'd been expecting anger but not this. 

"Just go," her words were strained. 

"Erin come on, I know I shouldn't have looked I agree but, what would you have done in my shoes?" He countered. 

"Please. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about this right now. Just go. Get some sleep." She said more as a plea. 

They stared at each other each trying to make the other back down. He knew she had a right to be upset but he couldn't bring himself to walk out, he'd rather she yell at him and they hash it out. 

His work phone buzzed and reluctantly he broke the staring match to check. Erin turned and glared at the wall. 

"Shit," he muttered. "We caught a case I have to go."

Erin wanted to ignore him, God knows she was upset with him right now. But she knew first hand what he could be walking into when he left and she couldn't let him walk out without any acknowledgement. 

"Ok," she said turning to look at him. 

"Erin I really am sorry. I wasn't trying to be a snoop." He tried one last time. 

She just nodded. "You need to go," she offered quietly. 

Jay sighed in defeat but bent to kiss her despite the distance she put between them. She kissed him back but he suspected it was more out of habit than love. 

"Get some rest" he said, then headed out. 

In the hours that passed after he left Erin obsessed over the ramifications of Jay going through her memory box. Had he seen the book and pictures? If he had she knew he'd want answers. Could she tell him? She trusted him yes, but with this? Even Hank had no clue. She'd kept her word and never breathed a word of it to anyone. 

You're not six anymore Erin. And you're a cop. He can't hurt you. The voice in her head tried to reassure her. 

Shortly after midnight regret set in. She'd been too harsh with Jay. He was right, if it had been her in his shoes she'd probably have looked too. She'd given him every reason to be concerned and her apartment must have been quite the sight to walk into. 

She picked up her phone and sent Jay a quick text. 

I'M SORRY I OVERREACTED. PLEASE BE SAFE TONIGHT. 

Ten minutes later his response came. 

ITS OKAY. I'M SORRY TOO. ALL IS GOOD HERE, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. GET SOME SLEEP. WE'LL TALK SOON

Despite his reassurance sleep wouldn't come for Erin. She felt guilty for her outburst but mostly she felt anxious. Come daylight she'd have to tell Jay her deepest secret. How would he react once he knew?


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: this chapter and the one that follows deal with issues of war, PTSD, violence and domestic abuse and may be a trigger for some readers.

Around three in the morning Voight sent them home to catch a few hours of rest. Jay contemplated going back to the hospital but in the end he decided against it. He had a feeling things could jump off at any time with this new case and he needed to be on his game. 

He was glad Erin had calmed down quickly, although he understood her reaction, he had invaded her privacy. As he pulled up to his apartment an idea struck him as to how to even the playing field for her. On his way to bed he stopped at his closest and dug the narrow black medal box from the back. He opened it, scanning the contents, removed a small red velvet box, then replaced the lid. He set everything on the chair and headed to bed. Exhaustion overtook quickly and Jay was asleep in minutes. 

///

"You better be here to tell me what I want to here Rhodes or you can just turn around and leave," Erin threatened the next day. 

Connor, having gotten to know Erin much better over the last few days, chuckled nervously. He knew she was mostly bark but he was glad he didn't have to test the sincerity of her threats today. They'd run a few more test earlier in the day and everything looked good to him. 

"First thing tomorrow morning you are officially rid of us." He said confidently. 

Erin beamed. "Really?"

"We're not that bad are we?" Connor fiend hurt. 

Erin pretended to consider her answer. "No," she laughed. "Of course not. Everyone's been wonderful but I'm going crazy sitting here. The food on the other hand..."

"Ha!" Connor laughed. "Like you would know. Do think I don't know you're team has brought you three meals a day?"

"And sometimes snacks?" She offered innocently. She really had to give it to her boys. Connor wasn't exaggerating, they had made sure someone stopped by or came to visit every meal with amazing food for her. She wondered now if they were just buttering her up for what they were saving her work wise when she got back. She suddenly saw an image of her desk full of every awful case they didn't want to deal with. Surely they'd brought food because they actually felt bad for her? 

"I get it. But just because I'm releasing you doesn't mean you can go back to leaping tall buildings in a single bound," he cautioned. 

"A little hard to do with this," she said dryly, sticking up her foot. 

"I wouldn't put it past you. You're all a little crazy in intelligence," Connor joked. "But seriously. You need to rest. No pressure on your foot. No bending or lifting, at lest for another week. Once the cast comes off you're going to have physiotherapy to complete before you'll be cleared for duty."

"But you think that will happen right?" Connor understood not getting that clearance was like a death sentence to a cop like her. 

"Yeah," he said relaxing his stance and turning from doctor to friend. "You follow directions and I think you'll be back to wearing your cape within a couple months."

"Months?" Erin bemoaned

"Don't push it Lindsay, injures like this can get the best of you if you're not careful. Do it by the book or you'll be filing Platt's paperwork for the rest of your career."

The over dramatized threat did the trick. 

"Ok," she sighed. "By the book." But she had one encouraging thought, if she was going to be out that long the boys couldn't offload their unwanted cases onto her. 

"I've made arrangements for crutches, although with your sprained wrist you won't be able to maneuver around much on them for another week or so and I spoke with the orthopaedic surgeon who operated on your foot. You have to book a follow up with him in about six weeks to get your cast off, probably a brace or waking cast on and make a plan for physiotherapy. I filled out the paperwork Voight dropped off for your medical leave. In the morning I'll sign off on your discharge papers."

"Medical leave." She sighed. "When do you think I can do desk duty?"

"Hard to say. You need to keep that foot elevated. It was a bad break. Let your abdominal injuries heal and if there's no swelling in your foot or other complications that arise maybe when your cast comes off. But don't quote me on that. You'll have to consult with the surgeon."

Erin nodded letting his words sink in. She was going to have to find a way to cope with being sidelined for so long. 

///

Jay came in after dinner that evening and had some more clean clothes for Erin. She had texted him her release news and he'd happily made a pit stop to pick up something for her to wear home in the morning. Hank gave him the go ahead to take the morning off and get her settled at home tomorrow. 

"Hey. I'm sorry I'm so late," he greeted her tentatively as he walked towards her bed. But Erin threw her arms out for him to embrace her, wanting to put last nights argument firmly behind them. 

"Hey," she said pulling him tight to her. "It's okay, when Atwater and Ruzek dropped off dinner they said things were pretty crazy. I'm sorry I got so mad," she apologized again. 

"No Erin, you had every right. I shouldn't have gone through the box without your okay. It was intrusive. And I umm, I figured fair is fair," he hedged and reached down to pull something out of the bag he'd brought. Jay held up the medal box, minus the little red velvet box he'd taken out of it last night. He hoped he'd be able to share that story with her sometime in the future. 

"What's this?"

Jay shrugged. "Basically my version of what I snooped in at your house."

Erin's eyes went wide. "Jay, I...."

"I want you to Erin. It's only fair. We trust each other. We said always. I don't want anything between us." He reasoned. 

Erin took the box from Jay, considering his words. She ran her hand over the cool smooth top. If she did this, opened it, she'd have to tell him for sure. Everything. 

"You're sure?" She questioned. 

He shrugged. "I'm not saying it's gonna be easy or pretty but yeah. I think we need this. We can't pull back everytime something tough comes up Erin. We have to learn to rely on each other as a couple the way we do as partners."

"You going all psychologist on me again?" she laughed. 

He smiled. "I know it sounds ridiculous but you know it's true."

She nodded then blew out a breath and undid the latch holding the box closed. Slowly she lifted the lid. There wasn't much inside. Some papers, pictures, dog tags, a flat box embossed with the US army logo she guessed held some kind of medal. It felt uncomfortable looking in this box. Maybe, had she been in the same circumstances Jay had been at her apartment she'd be more at ease but here, with him watching her, it was hard knowing she was delving into something potentially painful for him. 

Jay shifted and gently pulled the box from her hands sensing her discomfort. He reached in and pulled out a few pictures and papers. On top was a letter. He turned it to face her. It was Terry's acceptance letter to the academy. She smiled sadly at him as he set it aside, no explanation being needed since he'd let her be by his side while he dealt with Terry's death. 

"My mom," he said off handed, trying not to have an emotional reaction to her photo, as he held up a picture. "You've already seen pictures of her and the rest of my family at the cabin. You know how she died." He said less confidently. Erin nodded. She had no need to make him relive that. Based on her own experiences watching Camille loose her battle to cancer, she could imagine how painful it was for Jay. She knew he'd had a good relationship with her. It was evident in the way he treated women and the fondness in his voice whenever she came up in conversation. She let Jay flip past the picture. 

The next one he stopped at he had tipped away from her and stared at for a few minutes quietly. Erin watched emotion play across his face. Regret, anger, grief. Whatever was in that picture struck deep within him. 

He turned it to face her and Erin's breath caught in her throat. The picture depicted seven young men all with their arms flung over each other's shoulders, all dressed in fatigues. It was Jay's rangers unit. She understood the emotion that played across his face now. A weight pressed on her chest, she'd been so curious about his time in the army but now that she was staring at this picture she didn't know if she could ask him for this piece of himself. 

"Jay, you don't have to do this," she again offered. 

"I just don't want you to think less of me." He admitted. Erin was completely taken aback. 

"Jay I don't think that's possible." She said in disbelief. 

"You haven't heard what I did yet," he said bitterly. 

Erin grabbed his hand. "You did what you needed to do to deal with the situation. No one can hold you at fault for that. I don't need to know the details to know that. I've known you long enough to know what kind of man you are." She reassured him. 

Jay sighed. Erin took the picture from his hand carefully and looked over the faces. She recognized a few. Jay of course, she couldn't help but smile at how good he looked in his fatigues. Mouse, and two others, Tom MacKnight and Brian Sullivan. She'd met them briefly one night when they'd all turned up to Molly's before she and Jay we're seeing each other. They had all got together for some kind of boys weekend. They did that a couple times a year. 

The other three she didn't know.   
"Chris Mendes," Jay said pointing to one of the men she didn't recognize. "He died when our convoy was ambushed, the one that led to Mouse's medical discharge, near the end of my last tour."

"Derek Lee," he said pointing to the other one. "He, umm, he didn't handle coming home so well. Went back to Georgia, where he's from. Cut off all ties with us, with everyone, left his wife. About a year later we got word he'd died in a car accident. He was coming home from a bar, wasted, he shouldn't have been driving. At the funeral we found out he'd pretty much spent his days sitting in the dark bar drinking away his memories." Jay paused. "I should have checked in on him more." 

"Jay," Erin began to comfort him and try and absolve him of some of his guilt and sense of responsibility. 

"No Erin. I knew. I knew all about PTSD I knew he wasn't right the last time I saw him."

"You had your own issues to deal with Jay," she said remembering their conversation at the cabin and how Jay had difficulty coming home from war. 

"Yeah but I should have been there for him. It was my job," he berated himself. "Jake Hollingsworth," Jay said, pointing at the last face in the picture and changing the subject, then paused. 

Erin looked up at Jay as he swallowed hard then blew out a breath. Again she tried to let him off the hook. Seeing him like this was difficult for her. He was so confident, sometimes to the point of cocky. He was her rock solid partner. She wanted to protect him from the pain she could see on his face, absolve his guilt and erase the terrible memories. She felt helpless watching him and guilty for making him feel like he needed to relive all this to build a relationship with her. "Jay it's okay. I get it. We don't need to do this. You don't need to relive all this." 

But he didn't really seem to hear her. He seemed so far away and spoke without seeing her. "We were doing recon. I can't say for what, classified," he said bitterly. "But we were outside a complex of buildings. I was on the roof on the west side. Mac and Hollingsworth were trying to sneak in, get some pictures. Only thing was was they somehow knew we were coming and there was a fire fight. I had no line of sight on the ambush, they set off smoke grenades to cut off my sight lines. And by the time I'd scrambled down the roof to help they'd grabbed Hollingsworth. We," Jay paused. "Anyway we couldn't get him back so we regrouped and made a plan to go after them."

"We thought he was in a small village, had some Intel they had him in cave covered by a hut. We were told its was heavily armed and to prepare to go in meeting resistance. Mendes tripped a trigger wire as we snuck in and flash bangs started going off. It was chaos and smoke. I gave the order to breach the hut. Mouse kicked in the door to the hut and Lee rounded the door frame. He entered and was immediately staring down the barrel of an assault rifle. He reacted. Took two shots to the vest and we all fired." Jay stopped. "All Lee saw was the gun," He said again. "I cleared the room with Mouse while the rest of the team provided cover. The cave was just a hole in the ground they used to keep supplies hidden in, no sign Hollingsworth had ever been there. We found out later our informant had a beef with some of the men in the village and figured he'd use us to get his revenge. When the smoke cleared." Jay shook his head, "He was only eight or nine," he whispered. "Who puts an assault rifle in the hands of a little kid like that?" He demanded angrily. Jay ran his hands through his hair. 

Erin watched in heartbreak as Jay struggled to rationalize what had happened.

They'd killed a little boy. 

"Jay he shot at you. You reacted the way you were trained to. You couldn't see." She said, knowing all too well how quickly you needed to think and react in those situations. 

"He was just a little boy," Jay whispered again. Erin had no doubt the image of that boy haunted him and the rest of the unit. 

Jay's expression suddenly changed as anger and revenge took over his emotions. "We tracked them to the mountains." He said coldly. "They had him hidden up there." Jay was silent for a long time, again she read a flurry of emotion on his face. "They tortured him..... It was awful..... They'd had him for days and just," Jay's voice trailed off. "I didn't know humans could be that cruel, that barbaric. He was barely alive when we got there." Jay looked at the picture of his unit. "I was angry. I blamed them for what happened to the little boy too, we all did," he confessed. "I needed to make them pay. We needed to avenge him, the boy and Hollingsworth. What they'd did to Hollingsworth, they needed to pay for that. We justified it. You know? We all did. It was twisted, confused logic. We were no better than them," Jay confessed. 

Erin took his hand. "It's okay Jay." But he continued unaffected by her show of support. 

"We got Hollingsworth out. But he didn't make it. We didn't get there in time." Jay looked up at her with sad eyes and gave an apologetic shrug. "When I got home I went to see his wife. They had two kids. I didn't know what to say to her but I just... I felt a responsibility to her you know?" Erin nodded. "As soon as she saw me she lost it. Yelling at me to leave, throwing things at me, asking me why I let him die. It was..." Jay swallowed hard. 

Erin maneuvered herself so she could put her arms around Jay. "Something broke loose inside me. It was too much. The guilt. Why should I get to come home and not him? He had a family, people who needed him, I had none of that, no one who needed me, no reason to be standing there in front of her when she should have had her husband. I'll never forget the look on her face Erin," he whispered into her hair. 

"Anyways that's when I went up to the cabin," He said clearing his throat and trying to pull himself from his memories. 

Erin ran her hand up and down Jay's arms. She had an overwhelming need to absolve him of his guilt and reassure him he was an amazing man but she had no idea how to say it without somehow dismissing his feelings or the enormity of what he'd been through. So instead she ran her hands slowly over his arms, chest and face hoping her touch could convey her feelings. 

They sat in silence for a long time wrapped up in each other on the edge of the bed while Jay brought himself back to the present. Eventually he was brave enough to lift his head and look at Erin. He braced himself for the changes he expected to see in her eyes now that she knew what he'd done. She looked up at him and he was bewildered by what he saw. Erin eyes were full of the same love, respect, and trust that had always been there. 

She smiled at him sadly as she caressed his jaw line. "I wish I could think of something to say to make it better. Make it okay," she admitted. "But all I can think of is to tell you how much I love you." 

She watched as his eyes glossed over and the corner of his mouth lifted in a somber smile. He cupped her cheek, stroking it softly with his thumb then pressed his lips to hers. He held still like that for a few moments before embracing her again. 

"Thank you" he whispered. 

Eventually they moved from the edge of the bed and Jay helped Erin lay down. He'd happily laid beside her on the narrow bed and they fell into a comfortable silence intertwining their fingers allowing their thumbs to softly brush against one another continuously. 

After awhile Jay pushed himself up on his elbow and looked down at her. His eyes were full of questions. Of course they were. Erin took a slow breath. He wanted to know what he'd seen. He wanted her to talk to him about what was in her box and her mood this last week. He wanted to know why she hated her birthday, Nadia's murder aside. His desires were fair. She had promised him she'd go to him when she was struggling. And she'd just told him she loved him, again tonight. He'd just shared his most personal struggles with her. Not talking now would be a slap in the face to him. 

But it was hard. So hard to put everything into words. A weight settled on Erin's chest and her heart beat quickened. 

Easy Erin, she tried to calm herself. Your not a child he can't come back and hurt you anymore. You can protect yourself. And even if you couldn't, you think Jay and Hank would let that monster near you if they knew, she coached herself. 

Jay watched Erin with increasing concern. He read the fear on her face, something he rarely saw there. "Hey," he said gently turning her face towards him. "Whatever it is Erin, I'm here." 

Erin nodded meekly. "I want to tell you," she began "but it's hard," she confessed. 

Jay nodded and ran his hand up and down her arm. He seemed to silently encourage her. 

"I don't even know where to begin," she whispered. 

"How about with the picture. Who are the two little girls? One of them is you right?" He probed gently. 

Erin nodded "Yeah."

"And the other one?"Jay encouraged. 

"Shelby," Erin whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. "Her name is Shelby.," Erin said with more conviction. "And she's my sister."


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: this chapter depicts scenes of physical violence and domestic abuse, and may be a trigger for some readers.

She ran out onto the playground as soon as the bell rang and over to the doors where the kindergartens let out. It had been a good day. Her teacher remembered it was her birthday and surprised her with cupcakes. Usually the Mommy's sent in cupcakes for birthdays but her Mommy hadn't said anything about it even being her birthday when she's quickly hustled them out of bed this morning warning them to be quiet and not wake Daddy. 

Erin only knew it was her birthday because Mrs. Clarke, her teacher, had a big poster with all the kids birthdays on it beside the chalk board. Mrs. Clarke brought out the cupcakes right after lunch and the whole class had sang to her. They were chocolate cupcakes, Erin's favourite. At the end of the day Mrs. Clarke said there were extras and would she like to take one home for her and Shelby to each have after dinner. Erin nodded her head excitedly. Two chocolate cupcakes in one day. Yes, it was a really good day. 

Erin waited excitedly for Shelby's class to come out. She spied Jimmy W waiting by the path she and Shelby took to get home and she wanted to hurry and pass him before all the grown ups were gone. Jimmy W was the mean boy in Erin's class. He was bigger than her, almost eight, but Josh said that he failed grade one and had to do it over. Right now Jimmy W was angry with Erin. Very very angry. 

At last recess Jimmy W had been picking on Claire and he pulled her pigtails so hard Claire started crying. Erin didn't like watching Jimmy W make Claire cry. She didn't like the way it made her tummy feel whenever a bully picked on someone. So Erin marched over to Jimmy W. She didn't even think about him being bigger than her. She never though about those things when bullies made her tummy hurt. She didn't think at all. Mrs. Clarke said she has to learn to stop and think when she got herself into these situations but Erin didn't know how you were supposed to do that when your tummy hurt and and your brain filled up with red and made your cheeks hot. So Erin marched up to Jimmy W and kicked him in the shin as hard as she could and when he bent down to grab his hurting leg she pulled his hair. Hard. So hard she had some hair in her fist when she pulled away. 

Jimmy W screamed. Loud. It hurt her ears. Then his face went red. Redder than the inside of Erin's brain went. Erin knew that was bad. She ran away. He chased after her yelling he was gonna get her but Erin was a fast runner. The fastest in her class even. And she managed to hide from Jimmy W the rest of the recess. For the rest of the day in class Jimmy W stared at her and, when the teacher wasn't looking, he took his finger and drew a line across his neck. 

Erin knew Jimmy W was gonna try and get her after school. So she needed Shelby to come out fast so they could get away and follow some of the mommy's and daddy's who walked to pick up their kids most of the way home because Shelby was not a fast runner. Her Mommy and Daddy never picked her up. Not even once. 

Mommy was usually sleeping on the couch when Erin and Shelby got home from school, because she had to work at night time, and Daddy was at work. Daddy worked in the afternoon and after work he'd go to the place where Mommy worked. Mommy said it was because Daddy worked hard and he could relax if he went there for a drink. But Erin heard her Daddy say he didn't trust Mommy and he called her bad names. She heard Daddy say he had to go babysit Mommy every night. Except Daddy didn't say it just like that, but Erin wasn't allowed to say those words. She said one once to Eric when he stole her pencil and Mrs. Clarke had made her write a whole page of lines and stay in at recess. Erin didn't like having to stay in at recess. 

Sometimes Mommy was right and Daddy relaxed at Mommy's work and Mommy and Daddy would come home real late, long after Shelby said she was tired and Erin read Shelby her favourite book. Erin was a pretty good reader, Mrs. Clarke has said so. Long after Erin tucked them into bed, then Mommy and Daddy would come in the front door laughing and walking funny and bumping into things all the way to bed. Erin didn't mind being woken up so much on those nights. She liked her Daddy's laugh. It was scratchy and deep and reminded her of Santa Claus. 

But sometimes Daddy didn't relax at Mommy's work. Erin didn't like those nights. Those nights she pulled the covers up over hers and Shelby's heads and they lay as still as they could. Those nights Daddy was angry. Really angry. He would yell so loud Erin and Shelby would plug their ears and still hear him. And he threw things too. Then he said it was all Mommy's fault and he hit her. He called Mommy really bad words those nights. And her Mommy cried. A lot. Daddy didn't like the crying. Neither did Erin. 

Erin hoped tonight would be a happy night. It was her sixth birthday and she didn't want to sleep with the covers over her head and hear her Mommy cry. 

"Erin, Erin, Erin!" Shelby cried happily as she ran out to her in the school yard. Shelby flung her arms around Erin and squeezed tight. "Happy birthday!" She squeeled. 

Erin smiled. "Thanks," she said quietly. So many heads were looking at her now. Erin didn't like when people looked at her. She took Shelby's hand and squeezed it tight. "We have to go fast today," Erin told her. 

"Why?" Shelby always had so many questions. 

"Because," Erin didn't want to be impatient but she didn't have time for Shelby to ask a gazillion questions. Jimmy W was watching and lots of parents had left already. Why couldn't Shelby just listen to her. She was the big sister after all. 

"Because," Erin said. "Lets go." And Erin pulled her sister along. 

But today was a very very good day. Mrs. Clarke called Jimmy W's name just as Erin was getting to the path. She told him to come back inside the school. Jimmy W stared at Erin so hard she felt bumps on her skin and her heart jumped like the grasshoppers in the field that she and Sammy liked to catch at recess. Mrs. Clarke called Jimmy W again but this time using her mean voice. Even Jimmy W had to listen when Mrs. Clarke sounded like that. Even he knew there would be big trouble. He stomped off to the school. But Erin didn't want to take any chances. She squeezed Shelby's hand and pulled her as fast as she could all the way home. 

No one was there when Erin pushed open the door to their little house. It only had two bedrooms and one bathroom. And a tiny kitchen and living room. This meant Erin and Shelby had to be super quiet if they needed to use the bathroom at night because the floor creaked and it might wake up Daddy. That was a big rule in their house. Mommy said it all the time. Don't wake up Daddy. But no one was home right now. Erin figured Mommy had to go to work early. Sometimes she did that. She said her boss sometimes had a special job for her and it was a surprise so not to tell Daddy if Mommy left early because Daddy would get mad if the surprise was ruined. Erin and Shelby would do anything to make sure Daddy didn't get mad. Erin didn't know when Mommy was going to share the surprise with Daddy because she had been keeping the secret for a long long time. 

"Erin I have a surprise for you." Shelby said. 

"Empty your back pack first." Erin liked to get the jobs done first. That way incase Mommy and Daddy came home early they didn't get in trouble for forgetting anything. 

Shelby did what she's told. She's a good girl. She followed Erin everywhere which Erin thought was okay but sometimes a pain when she wanted to go fast. 

"Now can I give you my surprise?"

"Ok," Erin said flopping on the couch. 

Shelby handed Erin a piece of purple construction paper. "I made this for you." Erin unfolded it. 

"It says happy birthday Erin, love Shelby and that's you and that's me and that's the field you like to play in with the pretry flowers."

"They're weeds Shelby I told you that."

"Well I think they are pretty. And here's your present." 

Shelby gave Erin a folded piece of paper that's taped. She is smiling really big at Erin. 

"Be careful you don't rip it," Shelby said. 

Erin opens it slowly. Inside is a picture. It's a picture of Shelby and Erin at school. 

"It was on Mrs. Mathews desk. She's gluing pictures on a board for some people to look at at some meeting. She was telling Mrs. Cabral about it. She said she was taking pictures for weeks to impress these people. Anyway she had lots and I saw this and I knew you would like it."

"That's stealing," Erin said, "You have to give it back."

Shelby's lip quivered and her eyes went sad. Erin sighed. Shelby always cried so easily. 

"But she has so many pictures, it's only one and we don't have any. She won't notice. Don't you like it Erin."

Erin looked down at the picture. It was wrong to take it but it made Shelby so happy. She didn't want Shelby to cry on her birthday. 

"Sure," Erin said. "Thanks. I have a surprise for you too," Erin said. 

She went to the counter and brought over the wrapped cupcakes. Carefully she unwrapped them so not to wreck the icing. Shelby's eyes went wide. 

"Cupcakes!" She yelled and jumped up and down. "You have cupcakes! You have chocolate cupcakes with sprinkles!"

"Yup," Erin said. It made her feel so good to see Shelby so excited. "One for you and one for me. Mrs Clarke said so."

"Oh Erin," Shelby flung her arms around Erin. "Thank you thank you oh I know, we should have a party. You can't have cupcakes without a party."

"Shelby," Erin didn't want to make a big mess and risk Mommy and Daddy finding out. 

"It will be fun Erin. Oh I know we can pretend we're in the jungle. It can be a jungle party!!"

"Of course," said Erin. "Everything has to be in the jungle with you."

"Come on Erin. We can build a fort and it can be our rescue centre and we can have a party and eat the cupcakes." Shelby was already moving the chairs to make the fort. "Please Erin please say yes."

Erin couldn't say no to Shelby. Seeing her happy made Erin's tummy feel good. They built the fort and Shelby even talked Erin into letting them eat the dinner Mommy had left in the fridge for them inside the fort. Shelby promised to be super careful and not make a mess. The cupcakes were just as good after dinner as they were at school after lunch. 

They played for a long long time. A little voice in her head told Erin they should clean up soon but Erin didn't want to listen to it. It was her birthday and she was having fun. 

Shelby decided it was night time in the jungle and they had to read bedtime stories to the rescued animals. Erin knew this was just because she my wanted Erin to read her favourite book. Shelby went and got the book. And when she came back she stepped on Erin's card and picture 

"Shelby!" Erin yelled, "you wrinkled it!"

Shelby got the big eyes again. "I'm... I'm sorry Erin."

Erin sighed. Did she have to cry at everything? 

"It's okay," Erin said trying to make her feel better. She didn't want tears on her birthday. "Look. I can put them in the book it's nice and flat and will straighten it out. See? Come on let's read to the animals."

Shelby sniffed but nodded and sat down beside Erin. Erin read the story to Shelby. She didn't even have to look at the words she knew it that good. Shelby fell asleep before Erin was done. Erin liked Shelby the best when she was sleeping. She looked so pretty in her sleep. Erin wished she looked that pretty. 

Erin looked around. There was a big mess to clean up. But Erin was tired from all their fun. She was sure they still had time so Erin decided she would just rest for a minute to get her energy. Mrs Clarke said it was important to get enough rest. So Erin rested. She looked around at the fort and imagined how she could make it better if she had more blankets and some of those glow in the dark stars and a flash light and......

There was a really loud bang and Erin's eyes opened. 

"God damn bitch what the hell is this chair doing here," he yelled. 

Erin sat up in a panic. Where was she? 

"I don't know baby. Lets just go to bed," she heard her Mommy say. 

"Fuck you bitch. I almost cracked my damn head open. Why can't you keep this place clean. You don't do a god damn thing all day you can't even keep the house clean."

"I'm sorry baby. I'll clean it up. You go get into bed."

"Are you telling me what to do. Don't tell me what to do!"

"No no baby I won't. I'm sorry."

Erin was scared. She had fallen asleep. Both she and Shelby fell asleep in the living room with all the mess. Daddy was mad about it. Really mad because he was really loud. Shelby woke up and started crying. Erin covered her mouth to quite her. 

"What was that? You hiding someone here. You been fucking around on me again?"

"No baby of course not. I was with you all night baby remember?"

"You calling me a liar. You calling me stupid? You'll pay for that!"

Erin heard a smack then a thud and the floor shook. Shelby jumped at the noise and made a squeak. This was not good. No no. Not good at all. She had to get Shelby to be quiet. 

"What the fuck was that?"

She heard Daddy stumble over the chair. It made the blankets on top of them move. She tried to pull Shelby back away from Daddy but there was no where to go, the couch was behind them. He was yelling and saying the bad words and then the blanket came down on one side, covering Erin completely but not Shelby. Shelby cried louder. She was scared.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Daddy screamed at Shelby. "Did you do this? Did you make this mess you little brat?" 

Shelby couldn't answer she was crying too hard. 

Answer him Shelby, tell him you're sorry, Erin thought. Daddy picked Shelby up and the blanket pulled off Erin. 

"Answer me?" Daddy yelled at her. 

Erin wanted to get up and tell her Daddy she did it, tell him to leave Shelby alone. Erin's tummy hurt like when Jimmy W pulled Claire's hair, but worse. So much worse. She wanted to kick Daddy and make him put Shelby down but her body didn't work. She couldn't make it move. 

Daddy yelled at Shelby in her face. He was holding her up in the air by the arms. He was so mad. He shook her as he yelled. Shelby just cried and cried. Mommy didn't get up to help Shelby. She just curled up on the floor and cried too. 

"Stop crying!" Daddy screamed. Shelby cried louder. "I said stop crying. Your just like your skank ass whore of a mother you are," Daddy screamed. 

Erin wouldn't cry. Erin would never cry. She didn't want Daddy to yell at her like that. She didn't want to be like her mother. 

Daddy screamed more but Shelby wouldn't answer. 

"Fuck this," Daddy said and he threw Shelby down. Her head hit the table and her body fell weird. It was weird the way she was twisted on the ground now. And she didn't move. She wasn't crying anymore. 

Mommy screamed. It hurt Erin's ears. Mommy got up and ran to Shelby crying over her, shaking her. Mommy was yelling at Daddy. Daddy got madder and pulled Mommy off Shelby. Erin knew what came next. Daddy was going to hurt Mommy. Erin shut her eyes tight and plugged her ears. She felt the floor bump again. Then again. It went quiet for a long time but Erin didn't dare move. 

Then something was hurting her arm. Pulling on her. Her hands pulled away from her ears. Erin opened her eyes. Daddy was pulling her up. His face was so close to her. 

"You say anything you little bitch and I'll kill you. You understand me?" Daddy screamed at her. "You keep your mouth shut. You never had a sister."

Erin was confused. What was Daddy saying? Erin looked at the floor where Shelby was but she was gone. 

"You don't have a sister. Say it," Daddy shook her. Erin tried to understand. "Say it!" he screamed at her. She tried to get her mouth to work. Anything to make Daddy stop yelling. 

"I... I don't have a sister," Erin said but her voice sounded funny. 

Daddy threw her back, her tummy flipped but she landed in the couch. 

Daddy left. Slammed the door. 

Erin looked around. Mommy was curled up on the floor and she was rocking and crying. Erin couldn't see Shelby anywhere. 

////

"It was the last time I saw either of them," Erin said, her voice barely a whisper. 

Jay had lay with his arm around her while she told her story. It was gut wrenching. He prayed he never laid eyes on Douglas Lindsay. He knew without a doubt that if Voight had known what Erin just told him that her so called father wouldn't have lived long. 

"I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember Bunny was telling me to pack my things because we had to leave. She said we were never coming back. I didn't understand at the time. I packed some clothes and things and I grabbed Shelby some stuff too. I thought my father had taken her and we were going to meet them somewhere. I packed the book because Shelby couldn't sleep without it. I had fogotten the pictures were inside. Anyway I don't remember how, but we ended up on a bus and in the morning were were here," Erin said referring to Chicago. 

"Where did you come from?" Jay asked.

"Rockford," Erin said flatly. 

Jay nodded. 

"He killed her," Erin said. There was no need to dance around the obvious. "She hit her head off the table and fell. I'll never get the image of her little body just...." Erin cleared her throat. "He must have got rid of her body, maybe put it in his truck while I was blocking out the world, and drove it somewhere." 

"And you never said anything?" 

Erin shook her head no. "I was too afraid of him. I thought he'd come after me. When I moved in with Hank and Camille I heard Hank telling Camille that my father was in jail. I didn't see the point in making any more trouble for myself then since he was already in jail."

Jay nodded again. 

"It changed her." 

"What?" Jay struggled to keep pace with Erin's thoughts. 

"Bunny. I mean she was no mother of the year before but that night it changed her. She started using after that. On top of the drinking. She checked out completely."

Jay nodded again. 

"Say something." Erin needed to know what Jay thought of all this. 

"It's not your fault." 

Erin laughed stiffly as tears came to her eyes but she refused to cry. "How many times I've told myself if I'd just woken her, cleaned up and and put us to bed," 

"Erin, stop." Jay interrupted. "You can't do this to yourself anymore. You were six years old. God you never should have been put in that position. You never should have been left home alone like that. What if we were responding to that call Erin? What would you have said to that little girl?"

"Jay," Erin pleaded. 

"What would you tell her Erin?" Jay pressed. 

Erin shook her head. She'd hung on to the guilt so long. She'd hung onto the pain. It motivated her. It was part of why she worked so hard to protect victims and bring justice. She needed to make right all the bad she brought on the people she loved. 

"What would you say Erin?" Jay tried again. 

"I'd tell her it's not her fault," Erin confessed quietly. 

Jay brushed the hair off Erin's forehead. He was more in awe of her everyday. She was so damn strong. She'd overcome so much, beat every odd. The world had dealt her a shit hand but she'd picked herself up over and over and instead of having her hand out, telling the universe it owed her some kind of reward, she spent her days helping other people. She put her life on the line to maybe save someone else from the hell she'd had forced upon her. 

He tipped her head towards him and waited until she was looking at him. 

"I love you," he said softly, echoing her sentiment to him from earlier. 

This time it was Erin's turn to smile sadly and bury her head in his shoulder.


	46. Chapter 46

It was almost six weeks before the doctors cleared her for desk duty. Erin felt like time was moving at a snails pace. She was desperate to get back to work. She'd tried everything she could think of to convince Hank to let her come back early but he wouldn't budge. He said he "didn't want her anywhere near the district with that cast on."

The first few days had been rough trying to move around her apartment while still in so much pain. She couldn't put any weight in her foot and her wrist was still too tender to use the crutches. She'd been stubborn and didn't want to be taken care of, refusing to move back into Hank's, sighting a flight of stairs to climb every time she needed to pee. It made her feel weak and useless to have someone caring for her but by the time she hobbled up to the second floor landing when Jay brought her home from the hospital, she reluctantly had to admit she was going to need help.

_It's temporary,_  she'd told herself.

She didn't like how perfectly pleased and smug Jay had looked when she begrudgingly let him scoop her up and carry her the remaining flight of stairs. She could practically hear the 'I told you so' in his smile.

Almost six weeks later she allowed herself a small moment to consider that being waited on and cared for by Jay Halstead wasn't the worst thing a girl could have happen to her. Who knew he was so sweet and attentive? He'd made her breakfast each morning before he left for work and put it on the bedside table, he brought her dinner home each night and massaged her various aches and pains and he kept the apartment clean for her.

Laying on the couch reading a magazine while Jay had vacuumed about a week after she came home from the hospital had seemed both weird and strangely funny to her. She'd had a flash back to when he's told her she made him feel like a house husband early in their partnership.

Jay had caught her smiling at him. "What's so funny?" He demanded, turning off the vacuum so she could hear him, an unamused and suspicious look on his face.

"Nothing," she lied.

He cocked his eyebrow at her knowing full well she was lying. She burst out laughing at the sight of him in sweats and a tshirt, one hand holding the vacuum handle the other on his hip, while he waited for her to stop laughing at his expense and come clean.

"Out with it," he insisted.

She shook her head no. Jay let go of the vacuum and prowled towards her.

"Out with it or I'll hide the coffee where you can't reach," he threatened.

Erin's eyes went wide. And here she's been thinking what a sweet man he'd turned out to be. _Should have know he had a cruel streak,_ she though.

_Screw his pride_ , she laughed to herself, _he wants to know so bad I'll tel him._

"I was just thinking what a hot house husband you make after all," she said far to sweetly.

Jay's face contorted in a sour expression as he chewed the words 'house husband' over. But an over confident smile soon replaced it.

"Hot huh?" He asked straightening his posture.

Erin rolled her eyes and muttered "cocky ass" under her breath. She should have known that's what he would have fixated on.

"Oh I know you've been checking out my ass too when you think I'm not looking," Jay teased.

"Shut up," Erin playfully tossed her magazine at him. He laughed as he deflected it then came to perched on the edge of the couch beside her. He leaned in close, his eyes fluctuating between her eyes and lips.

Just as his lips brushed across hers he whispered "it's okay, you make a convincingly beautiful princess laying here," he stole a kiss and jumped away before Erin's attempt to smack him made contact. He laughed heartily. Nothing could get Erin fired up more then calling her a princess.

She'd been proud of how long she was able to give him the silent treatment after that, had it not been for him ordering her favourite food for dinner and feeling obligated to say thank you, she was sure she could have gone the whole night without saying another word to him.

The sweet kisses he'd given to her as a reply to her thank you broke the tension. That night they'd made love for the first time since the accident, for the first time since they'd expressed out loud their love for each other.

It had been incredible.

Jay's strong hands played gently against her skin, slowly coaxing pleasure from her. She couldn't help but feel the truth of his whispered words of love and endearment in his soft kisses and his attention to every part of her body. She savoured the feel of his muscles beneath her hands and repeatedly enjoyed the feel of his hair tangled in her fingers as his tongue played a symphony against her delicate skin. He'd teased and stoked her fire in a long intense burn before repeatedly tipping her over the edging and letting her fly. When he finally allowed for his own release he whispered her name like a reverent prayer. Erin settled into his side that night feeling safely cocooned and content. No, letting Jay Halstead take care of her wasn't the worst thing in the world by far.

Despite his administerings, she still had so much trouble getting comfortable at night and had no idea how he was getting any sleep with her tossing and turning, but he didn't complain and outright refused to leave her alone to go home and get some real sleep. He claimed it was because he was worried she'd slip and fall in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom and be left laying there with no one to help. Deep down Erin didn't mind him staying, she was enjoying their nights together, she just felt bad for being such a high maintenance bedfellow.

During the days Hank had made arrangements with Olive to spend time with Erin on her days off work. Each morning, after their play group, Olive and Danny came for a visit. They'd stay to make and have lunch with her before Olive took Danny home for his nap. It was the one silver lining to being immobile and off work, she got to spend a few days a week playing with her nephew. He was growing far too fast. Her heart burst with happiness every day when he excitedly crawled down her hall and climbed up the couch to shower her with kisses and hugs. Olive had said it was his favourite part of the day. Erin smiled sadly. It was the one part of being on sick leave she was going to miss. She'd made sure to plan dinner with Olive a couple times in the upcoming weeks, since she knew on desk duty there would be little overtime, so that she didn't miss Danny too much and Olive had said she'd swing by the district as well.

Mid afternoons while she was on leave Jay would call, usually waking her from a nap, although she'd always deny it. He'd check in on her and let her know if he was working late or not. A few days a week he'd managed to sneak away for a bit and bring her an afternoon coffee and treat from her favourite bakery.

But today, Monday, finally, she'd be going in with him. They'd taken off her cast and replaced it with a walking cast on late last week and she's started physiotherapy. Erin was thrilled, not only because it meant she could ditch the crutches, but more importantly it meant she could have a real shower.

Alone.

Without Jay hovering near the bathroom door asking her if she was okay every five seconds. He'd tried to insist he help her bathe but Erin drew the line. Having a sexy shower together and letting him help her with hygiene were two completely different things. So she'd rigged up a system of garbage bags and duct tape and a well placed chair to keep her foot elevated and cast dry and climb in and out of the tub to shower herself.

Not this morning.

This morning she'd taken off the walking cast, gingerly climbed in the shower and let the hot spray wash over her for a good half hour. She was careful not to put pressure on her foot without the cast on. The one person she was listening to was the orthopaedic surgeon. He'd been clear that if she wanted to return to active duty she'd have to let her foot fully heal and complete physiotherapy. No way was Erin going to loose her spot in intelligence over a bum foot. So as stubborn and independent as she was, she heeded the doctor's advice.

She walked into the district this morning with her head high and a bright smile on her face. She could feel Jay close behind her but he hadn't reached out to assist her like he did on the way down her apartment stairs this morning. Erin silently reminded herself to properly thank him later for allowing her to enter the busy front entrance of the district as his partner, as a detective for the CDP, as a member of intelligence, and not his hurt girlfriend who couldn't climb a few stairs on her own.

Platt had fussed over her of course. An embarrassment Erin endured out of respect for Platt's rank, appreciation for the support Platt had given her over the years and because it bugged the shit out of Jay that Platt was always so nice to her.

As she buzzed them in Jay grabbed the door to intellegence and mumbled "Are you ever gonna tell me why the hell she likes you so much?" Erin just smiled sweetly and focused on the task of climbing the fifteen stairs that stood between her and her sense of purpose in life.

Half way up, and out of view of the officers below, she felt Jay's hand come to rest against her back. She paused a moment to consider his help then reached out to take his arm. There was no sense trying to be a hero upstairs. She'd nothing to prove to them. They all knew, loved and respected her, even if she couldn't exactly have their backs right now. Besides each and every one of them had spent time at the hospital and at her house over the last month checking in, helping out and keeping her up to date on their cases and, more importantly, district gossip. They'd seen her in a hospital gown for god sakes. She could swallow her pride and let them see Jay help her on the stairs if it meant she'd be back to full duty sooner. Erin smiled softly. They were a bunch of over grown boys up there but they were her boys and she was thrilled to be rejoining them.

By 10:30 the thrill had worn off when everyone left in a rush to suit up and execute a bust. She looked longingly after them as they'd rushed down the stairs.

"Desk duty sucks," she moaned to herself.

"It won't be long," Mouse called out.

"What?" Eri asked confused, his words pulłing her from her self pity.

"It won't be long before you've beat them all down the stairs like you always do," Mouse clarified. "In the meantime wanna see something cool?"

Erin shrugged, "sure."

Mouse hopped up, disconnected his laptop and scurried over to her desk with it. He began excitedly showing her his latest tech addiction. Erin was no idiot, but Mouse rambled on so fast she'd barely understood two words he said. She nodded and hummed appreciatively in all the right places but her mind drifted. Being left behind while the boys got to have all the fun sucked. She wondered what it was like for Mouse here, especially when they all left. She knew he loved the tech side of the job. You could see the excited rush he got when things jumped off and they relied on him to navigate them through safely. The pride he felt when something he uncovered broke open a case always warmed her heart. But she wondered what it was like for him watching his best friend run out the door, towards the bullets, when it wasn't that long ago it had been Mouse at his side, not Erin.

"What?" Mouse asked, a shadow of his nervous twitch returning under her stare.

Erin popped out of her thoughts. "Nothing. I'm sorry I didn't mean to stare," she apologized not meaning to make him uncomfortable.

"Spill it."

Erin cocked an eyebrow at his directness.

Mouse smiles nervously. "You obviously have something on you mind, just.... share it.....Ma'am" he added unsure if he'd crossed a line by being so straightforward with her.

"Oh no, we're not doing that ma'am stuff again," she laughed breaking the tension and letting him know he was well within his rights to question her.

Mouse relaxed, "Then just say what you're thinking."

Erin hesitated then decided it was only fair to be honest with him. "I was just wondering what it's like for you here. This job and stuff," she said raising her hands to wave around the room.

"I'm incredibly grateful to Jay, to all of you for giving me a chance and for accepting me as part of the team," Mouse said, and then paused to consider his answer. "But I guess that's not what you mean is it?"

Erin gave a soft smile. "Mouse we didn't give you anything, you earned it. Voight's faith in Jay may have got you in the door but you earned your place here all on your own. And no, it wasn't exactly what I meant."

Mouse nodded, "it depends on the day." He said reflectively. "Some days I wish I was capable of running down those stairs too. Some days I beat myself up for not being able to do that stuff anymore. Some days I want to crawl back inside my tech cave and never talk to another live human again. And some days I feel comfortable in my skin. Like this is what I'm meant to do. I love the tech, obviously. I love that my strange obsession can actually do something to help someone."

Erin nodded, appreciating his candour. "You've made a huge difference Mouse. I'm not sure how we were effective without you."

Mouse blushed at her compliment. "I'm in a good place. Probably the best I've ever been. Everything's cool now. Well almost," he added.

"What do you mean?"

"It will be better when you're running down those stairs too," he smiled.

"Hate my company that much?" Erin acted offended but knew by his smile he was teasing.

"Not at all, I'll just feel better when you've got Jay's back. You calm him, make him slow down and think before he jumps in front of flying bullets."

"He's aggressive. That's a good thing in this unit," Erin defended Jay.

"No doubt. Was as a ranger too. Saved our asses more than twice. But you keep him grounded. Make him look at things like a cop, not a soldier. There's a difference you know?"

Erin nodded more out of acknowledgement than understanding. "I don't know, maybe. He's a good cop. I think I'm the lucky one."

"He is a good cop, one of the best," Mouse said with pride for his friend, "but so are you. We've missed you. It's not the same up here without you and I don't think I'm out of line by saying it's not the same out there without you either."

Erin blushed and looked away.

Mouse leaned in, "Want to know what Jay said the last time we had beers with our ranger buddies?" He teased.

Erin looked at him suspicious, she wasn't sure she liked the idea of Jay talking to his boys about her.

"He said,"Mouse continued without waiting for her answer, "and if you repeat this I'll give your phone the nastiest virus you've ever seen because I don't wanna get my ass kicked by Jay, but he said you were tougher than our whole damn Ranger unit put together and if he could only have one person to kick down a door with he'd choose you every time." Mouse rambled excitedly.

He reminded her of a school girl sharing secrets about boys at the back of the class the way his eyes shone with the thrill of telling her something she wasn't meant to hear. His admission made her both proud and embarrassed. She laughed, not knowing what to say, then shooed him away claiming they needed to be ready when the team was in place.

But Erin couldn't get his words out of her head. A sense of pride settled over her. He thought she was tougher than a ranger. Erin was even more determined to heal up and get back on the job. But there was another reason she was anxious to get back out there too, she felt incredibly uneasy letting Jay run into danger without being by his side.

Mouse's earlier words played in her head 'You calm him, make him slow down and think before he jumps in front of flying bullets.' She'd been worried about him since the accident but hid in the ignorance of not knowing his every move. Now that she was back upstairs she couldn't deny how dangerous their job could be. Her need for control and her emotional attachment to him had her feeling anxious as she listened to the teams' radio chatter during the bust. Her mind flew back to the day Terry had died and how easily it could have been Jay.

She waited for the familiar feeling of flight to take hold, the voice telling her to get out while she could, but it never came. Instead she focused on sorting through the details of their case to keep from thinking about how devastating loosing Jay would be. There was no running anymore. She had to accept the truth.

Erin Lindsay was in love, had even admitted it out loud. More than once.

She'd gone all in on a cocky, head strong, hot as hell boy from Canaryville who treated her like gold and there was nothing she could do but enjoy the ride and pray it didn't destroy her.

/

Erin heard the gate buzz and then the big metal door bang closed. The faint sound of foot steps grew louder as they came higher up the stairs. Both she and Mouse turned to see who was going to be joining them.

As soon as he made eye contact with her a cocky grin spread across his face. Erin couldn't help but smile back although, much like his brother, he didn't need to be encouraged.

"What are you doing here?" Erin asked by way for greeting.

"I brought you a little back to work gift," Will explained, nodding his hellos to Mouse. "I would have wrapped it but," he said apologetically holding up the large gift.

"Is that a stool?"

"Yup, adjustable height, on wheels, perfect for keeping a foot elevated in the workplace." Will announced proudly.

"You brought me a stool for my foot?" Erin laughed disbelievingly.

"Yes. You need to heal up, gotta make sure we get you out from behind that desk, my brothers moaning about not having his partner back is driving everyone crazy." Will said exasperated.

Erin laughed. "Trust me I want out from behind this desk just as badly."

"Well good. This will help. Here give it a spin," Will positioned the stool so Erin could prop her foot up on it while working at her desk.

"It really will help if you keep it elevated as much as possible," Will said more seriously.

"Yeah that's what the physiotherapist said too but the boys are gonna rake me over the coals for this." Erin laughed gesturing at the stool.

"I'm sure you'll find a way to make them pay," Will laughed.

Erin laughed and winked at him. "Thank you," She said genuinely, "but you didn't have to bring a gift to hide the fact that Jay wanted you to check up on me."

"That obvious huh?"

"Yup," she laughed.

"Well the stool is a good idea. How's the physio?"

"Good. I've got a bunch of exercises to do a few times a day and I go for treatments three times a week."

"Good. Make sure you do the exercises."

"Yes Doctor."

"Everything else feels good?"

"Yes Doctor, I'm doing fine,"

"Sorry but you know my brother,"

"You mean the big pain in the ass who's tried to keep me wrapped up in bubble wrap the last six weeks, no don't know him at all," Erin grumbled.

Will laughed. "He cares about you Erin, you scared the hell out of him. All of us actually."

Erin's expression softened. "I know. Thank you for checking in on me so much. I do appreciate it. Hey you wouldn't happen to have time to tell me more stories would you? You know to help cheer a girl up from being stuck on desk duty?"

Will laughed heartily, "didn't even make it until lunch and you're already depressed about being here."

"Stories?" Mouse interjected. "What stories?"

"Will told me some funny stories about Jay when they were kids while I was in the hospital." Erin teased.

Mouse smiled. "Oh this I need to hear."

"As much as I'd love to embarrass the hell out of my brother, I need to get to the hospital." Will said, disappointed.

"You sure? I ordered lunch for everyone as a thank you for being so good to me while I was off... You could stay..." Erin tried to entice him.

"I'd love to but I start shift in a few minutes. But I hear everyone will be at Molly's tonight to celebrate you're return to the fabulous life of public servant, so maybe if you both buy me a few..." Will trailed off laughing.

"Umm I believe everyones supposed to be buying me beers," Erin corrected him. Will shrugged and started making his way out.

"Tell freckles I said hi... And keep that foot elevated!" Will called over his shoulder. Mouse and Erin watched him leave.

"Freckles?" Mouse asked once he was sure they were alone. Erin smiled wide. She was about to recount the story Will had told her in the hospital when her phone rang.

"Maybe later?" She offered apologetically. Mouse pretended to pout but nodded and headed back to his desk.

 

 


	47. Chapter 47

"This isn't working," Jay said impatiently.

"What?" Erin replied confused, sliding around him to grab her hair dryer and bumping the razor from his hand. "Sorry."

"This. We need a bigger bathroom," he grumbled, picking the razor back up.

Erin just shook her head and went back to getting ready for work.

Jay blew out an impatient breath partially because sharing Erin's tiny bathroom when they both had to leave at the same time for work was a pain and partially because he'd failed to get any response from her.

Again.

He'd been dropping subtle hints the last few months about moving in together officially but each time she seemed to not catch on. Was she doing it deliberately? As a way to let him down easy? Jay didn't see why it was a big deal, hell, they'd been sleeping in the same bed more often then not for over a year, and every night since her car accident almost four months ago. Even after she'd been cleared for active duty last week he hadn't gone home, and she hadn't pointed that out yet. Jay just wanted to know where her head was at but Erin was keeping her thoughts on the subject locked up tight.

He knew two thing for sure. They were wasting a lot of money paying rent on two apartments, one of which wasn't even getting used. And they needed a bigger bathroom. He'd been thinking about buying a condo for ages but had put the idea on hold after Terry died.

Jay stood staring in the mirror for a long time. What would it mean for them if she said no? He wanted a future with her. Yes, she loved him, he didn't doubt that, but was she still afraid of commitment? He understood that fear. He wasn't exactly experienced with the whole commitment thing either. This felt right though. Well, almost, it would be better with a bigger bathroom.

_Stop pussyfooting around it,_ Jay told himself, _just be a man and ask her._

"Hey you almost done? We're gonna be late." Erin called from the bedroom.

"Yeah," Jay called breaking his staring match with himself. "Coming."

//

"For someone who hates my place so much you spend an awful lot of time there," Erin teased as she poured herself some fresh coffee in the break room later that morning.

"I don't hate your place," Jay countered, grabbing a cup, "I just think your bathroom is too small for the two of us."

"You do have your own bathroom," she said with a smirk.

"Yeah,"he conceded "but I'd rather share one with you." He hadn't planned for it to come out like that, here, at work, with the bullpen full of their colleagues, but it did. He waited and watched for her response.

Erin stirred her coffee with intense focus. Jay could feel the frustration building inside himself as she once again seemingly ignored his attempt to talk about living together. Then her head popped up and she looked him in the eye.

"So what do you want to do about it?" she asked pointedly.

Jay swallowed. _It's now or never,_ the voice inside his head egged him on.

"I think we should stop wasting money on rent and buy something.... Together," He hedged.

"You want us to do little white picket fences and perfectly manicured lawns?" She scoffed.

"No, no we're not exactly the white picket fence type, at least not yet," he laughed. He leaned in close and murmured, "Besides who wants to cut grass when we could spend our off time doing other things," Jay wiggled his eyebrows.

Erin laughed. "So what are you saying Jay? Besides the fact that you want to forego lawn maintenance for sex?"

Jay's eyes went wide at her bold statement. He looked around to make sure no one was coming in the break room or that her voice had carried into the bullpen.

"I was thinking more condo.... I was thinking we could buy a condo... Together." He said loosing confidence as he spoke. "If you want."

Erin tilled her head, considering the idea. She chewed on her lip. Then she pointed the stir stick she was using to stir her coffee at him. "Double sinks."

"What?"

"I buy a condo with you, it has to have two sinks in the bathroom." She elaborated.

Jay smiled. "I can definitely live with that."

Erin nodded but said nothing. She moved around him to throw out her stir stick and go back to her desk.

"Wait," Jay called. "Was that a yes? Are you saying you'll move in with me?" he asked quietly walking towards her.

Erin smiled shyly, "Yeah Jay. It's a yes." Jay's face lit in a huge smile. He leaned in for a kiss but Erin put her hand up to stop him, giving him a warning look. Jay pulled back remembering where they were.

"Sorry. Got a little excited." He said trying to compose himself.

Erin laughed. "Save the excitement for later detective." She winked, turned and walked back to her desk. Jay stood rooted in place watching her, stunned. Had that just happened? That easily? Had she really said yes?

Erin struggled to calm her heart rate and focus on getting back to work. She'd put him off for ages, pretending to ignore his hints, but she was too scared of loosing him to put him off any longer. It's not that she didn't want to officially move in together. She loved him, they'd been together well over a year and built their relationship on a solid friendship and partnership. They practically lived together anyway. But she knew that if she agreed to making it official he'd want to get a new place, something they chose together. She understood his reasons. They really did need more room and they were throwing away money on rent.

But that didn't stop the anxiety from setting in. It was a big step for her. There wasn't much difference between living together and marriage in her books and she swore she'd never do either. She didn't want to be like her mother. She didn't want to become dependant on someone else. She needed to make sure she held on to her independence. But those were bullshit excuses with Jay, she reminded herself. She only gained things being with him. He'd never let her compromise who she was.

_Stop hiding behind old excuses_ , Erin berated herself.

Hank abruptly opened his door and started barking orders at them, Erin quickly set thoughts of moving in with Jay aside and jumped to her feet.

/

Two weeks they'd been looking at condos and ads for condos and she found a reason to shoot down every one. He was actually surprised at how picky she was. Jay was hoping to get everything set up and done as soon as possible so they didn't throw away another months rent but Erin was dragging her heals. He wondered if she'd changed her mind.

They were standing in the living room of what Jay deemed the perfect condo. It had a killer view, open concept kitchen, room on the wall for a huge flat screen tv and two sinks in the master bath. Hell, it even had a second bathroom and bedroom. She couldn't argue location or lack of parking and there was even a pool in the building. Jay stood watching Erin prowl around the condo, while the real estate agent rambled on about all the features, waiting to hear why she thought this one didn't make the cut either.

"So what do you think?" the agent asked.

Erin stood looking out the floor to ceiling window in the living room and didn't answer.

The agent shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

Jay took pity on her. "I think it's great," he offered.

She smiled appreciatively at him then turned her attention back to Erin, who she knew she had to win over to make her commission. "The condo fees are really reasonable considering all the amenities in the building," she offered.

Erin didn't budge. Jay was puzzled by her behaviour.

"Erin?" He called stepping closer to her. "What do you think babe?"

She still didn't answer.

He placed his hand on her back. "Hey? You okay?" When she didn't answer he pulled her hair away from her face and tried to make eye contact with her. Her expression was sad and distant.

"I'll just give you two some time to chat," the agent said nervously. Jay nodded at her and mouthed thank you as she left the room.

"Talk to me Erin."

"It's perfect," she said her voice full of what sounded like regret to Jay.

"The condo?"

"Yeah. We should buy it." She said with the same tone.

"Then why so sad looking?" Jay probed. Erin shrugged. "Erin if you don't want to do this..."

"I do Jay. So much." She shook her head, "it's stupid. Childish. Forget it." She took a deep breath. "Let's do it. Let's get this one," she said trying to smile enthusiastically. "Unless you don't like it?"

"I do. I agree it's perfect but I still want to know what's on your mind," He tried again.

Erin looked out the window then back at Jay. "Promise not to laugh at me?"

Jay furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why would I laugh at you?"

She sighed. "It's just. It was the first place of my own. The first thing I did for me all by myself. To have the kind of money to have a place like that to call home? Not to worry about my security or being kicked out or having enough food. Not to be dependant on Hank and Camille. And then Nadia moved in and... We had so many laughs there..." She trailed off.

Realization dawned on him. It wasn't that she didn't want to move in with him, that hadn't been the issue at all. It was the change, feeling like she was loosing some control over her life, and her apartment held the last pieces she had of Nadia. She'd redecorated after Nadia died to wash away the painful memories but so much of Nadia still lived in that space.

Jay slipped his arm around her, "Hey we don't have to do this if it's too much. We can make living at your place work."

Erin shook her head no. "No Jay. I want to. I want to start fresh with you. I need too. I think it will be a good thing for me. For us. It's just.... It's just hard too. I'm sorry it's stupid," she said pulling out of his embrace but Jay stopped her.

"No, it's not. It's not stupid at all Erin. If this isn't the right place we'll keep looking." He assured her again.

"No," she said looking around. "This is it. This is the place."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah," she said finally sounding happy about it.

"Okay, I'll go get the agent."

Erin smiled as she watched him head off in search of their real estate agent.

/

"Why didn't you hire movers again?" Adam huffed as he manovered around the stairwell corner with Erin's couch.

"Because he's cheap," Kevin jabbed, balancing the other end of the couch.

"Ha! You're one to talk," Antonio laughed pulling open the door in the lobby for them.

"Hey how come we're doing all the heavy lifting and you're just grabbing a few little boxes?" Adam moaned.

Antonio smirked and slapped Adam on the shoulder as he passed by, "Seniority."

Jay laughed from inside the moving truck. "Don't let Erin hear you say that, she thinks she's the boss on this one."

"Jay the sooner you realize she is, the sooner you can accept your fate." Antonio teased.

"How did the two of you get this couch up there anyway? It weighs a ton!"'Adam huffed.

"Come on Adam, just think of the cold beer I've got waiting for you at the new place." Jay encouraged.

"Yeah and the elevators," Kevin added, sliding the couch into place on the truck.

"And the sixty inch tv Lindsay let him buy," Antonio added.

"How the hell you talk her into that anyway?" Kevin asked.

Jay smiled to himself remembering how he'd spent last Saturday night 'negotiating' his way into the tv. He'd have to remember for future use how easy it was to get Erin to agree to things when he teased her body just the right way.

"How much more is up there?" Jay asked jumping down from the truck and refusing to answer Kevin's question, but the guys passed a knowing look between them.

"Don't think anything. Erin was just checking everything was out when we grabbed this." Antonio said.

The guys stood talking while they waited for Erin. After ten minutes Jay decided to go up and make sure she wasn't struggling to carry something they'd missed.

"Erin?" Jay called walking into the apartment. "Did we miss something?" He said then came to a sudden stop. There in the middle of the living room floor sat Erin, tears rolling down her cheeks, cradling something in her hands.

She looked up at him, swiped the tears from her eyes and laughed. "I'm sorry,"she said.

Jay came and crouched beside her. "Hey, what happened?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. It's fine. I'm fine. They took the area rug down and I found this," She said holding out her hand. A small dolphin earring lay in it. Erin started laughing. "I came home one night and the place was trashed. I thought someone had broke in, even drew my gun when I heard noises coming from the bedroom. But it was just Nadia. She'd lost this. Spent hours searching for it. She was in tears, they were the only thing she'd had from her grandmother. She cried on my shoulder for ages. I helped her look some more and suddenly we were on the floor laughing at the state of the place."

Jay smiled. "Well now it a memory you can take with us," he offered not really knowing what to say. Erin nodded. "Do you want me to leave you alone for a minute?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm good. I'm just gonna quickly run through the rooms to make sure we didn't miss anything."

"Ok," he said kissing her head. "I'll meet you downstairs."

"Yeah." She smiled at him then grabbed his arm. "Jay?"

"Yeah babe,"

"I really am happy we're doing this." She reassured him.

He smiled at her. "So am I." Erin leaned up and places a lingering kiss on Jay's lips. It quickly turned heated and Jay deepened the kiss.

Erin giggled against his lips. "We'd better go before the boys take off and leave us stranded on the other end," Erin laughed.

"Should have hired movers," Jay grumbled as he got to his feet.

Erin laughed as she got up and wandered the apartment, looking around one last time. It was empty of all their things now but memories came flooding back to her. The day Camille, Hank and Justin had helped her move in. The nights she and Jay had watched hockey games and drank beer when they'd been only partners. Having her girlfriends over for girls nights. The time Jay burnt salmon trying to make her a romantic dinner and the apartment sunk for days. The countless nights they'd made love in her bed, on the couch. The day Jay helped her repaint the entire apartment. Coming home to find Nadia sitting at the breakfast bar, head buried in books, studying to make it into the academy. The ache returned and she rubbed her chest. She was getting use to feeling it now when she thought of Nadia. She let it wash over her knowing it wouldn't knock her down anymore. Saying good bye was hard but Erin knew with no doubt that saying good bye is what she needed to do. It was time. Time to build some new memories in a new home. Time to build a life with Jay.

Erin walked to the door then swung around to face her empty apartment. She took one last look down the hall.

"Good bye," she whispered.

She turned and walked through the door, closing it softly behind her.

 

 


	48. Chapter 48

Erin took a slow deep breath, raised her gun in front of her, then nodded at Jay. He nodded back then kicked in the rusted front door. 

"Chicago PD" she boomed as she moved with precision through the door and down the narrow hall. The stench of urine and cigarettes filled her nose but she shut them out, focusing on assessing the hallway for threats. The floor was littered with garbage, dirty clothes, and half empty food containers. A movement caught her eye on the floor and Erin pointed her gun in the direction it came from. A scraggly cat leapt out from its hiding place and scurried past her. She refocused on the doorway ahead. 

She felt Jay fall in behind her as they stepped carefully through the debris. They moved in sync towards the dimly lit doorway. They could here whimpering. 

"Chicago PD!" Jay called. 

"Don't come in here or I'll kill her," a man's voice called out. 

Erin moved to one side of the door frame and tried to peak around it while keeping her body tucked out of sight. She caught sight of a man, mid thirties, long dark hair, five ten, about two hundred pounds. He was definitely their suspect. The man had his back pressed to the wall and held a petite woman dressed in a frayed bathrobe against him, her hair was dirty, she looked like she hadn't slept in days and she had bruising up the inside of both arms. She was crying and whimpering. Erin suspected she was coming down off some kind of high. The man held a gun to the woman's head. 

"Christopher James," Erin called. 

"Get out of here or I kill her," James shouted. 

Erin glanced at Jay to see if he was on the same train of thought as her and he nodded his agreement, moving back in behind her. In the six months they'd been living together they'd only become more in tune with each other. Erin took a step into the room. 

"Put the gun down James." Erin commanded. 

"I'll kill her," he shouted. 

"Then I'll kill you. Let her go and everyone walks out of here," she countered. 

"Yeah with me in cuffs," James scoffed. 

"Well what do you expect after what you've done," Erin said, trying to keep her voice even. 

"You don't know shit. You got shit on me," he spit at her. 

"We have security footage of you dumping the body James," Jay said, almost sounding bored. They didn't want to rile him up further. 

A movement out the side window caught the suspects eye. Jay and Erin saw it too and Jay moved to get a better view. 

"Uniforms," he said quietly to Erin but James had seen them as well and became more antsy. 

"Tell them to back off or I kill her," James threatened, tightening his hold on the woman. 

"No please," the woman whimpered. James pushed his gun harder into her head. 

"Shut up Stacey," he threatened her. She only whimpered more. 

"Easy James," Erin soothed. "Don't make things worse for yourself." 

A flash of metal sent a burst of light though the room. Erin glanced at the window, the uniforms were now up on the back deck approaching them and looking for sight lines. The sunlight was reflecting off them and into the room. 

James freaked out, screamed at them to stop. Erin tried to calm him while Jay radioed for the uniforms to stop their approach. James' adrenalin escalated further. Erin focused her gun on James head and watched his body language. She felt Jay shift to gain a better position on James. They continued to try and negotiate with him. They needed him alive to help their case. The woman screamed, sending James over the edge and he pulled the trigger. A loud crack filled the room followed immediately by a second one from Jay's gun. James body recoiled back from the force of the bullet cutting through his shoulder. His hostage fell to the ground. The uniformed officers burst into the room, firing at James, despite Jay shouting for them to hold their fire. James fell to the ground. Jay approached James while Erin covered him. Jay kicked James gun away and checked for a pulse. He shook his head no at Erin before waving the uniforms in. 

"Both gone," he said to them. "Secure the rest of the house." He barked unimpressed with the way the situation had unfolded. 

"Yes sir."

"You good?" Jay asked, walking towards Erin as she lowered her gun. 

"Yeah, not how I wanted this to go down," she sighed. 

"Me either," he said, regret filling his voice. 

"Detectives! You're gonna wanna see this," one of the officers called. 

Erin and Jay quickly followed the sound of the officer's voice down the basement. It was dark, damp and cold and just as littered with filth as the rest of the house. They both pulled out their flashlights and moved towards the officer. He nodded at them and pointed to the far corner. 

"She won't come out," the officer said softly. 

Erin followed the beam of light with her eyes. There in the corner amongst boxes and bags, a small child was huddled on an old dirty mattress. They had been expecting the woman in the house, she'd been identified as James girlfriend but this child was a complete surprise. Erin looked back at Jay before pocketing her flashlight and slowly approached the child. She crouched down in front of her. 

"Hey sweetie, I'm a police officer. My name is Erin. I know you're scared but I promise you're safe now. What's your name?" Erin gently coaxed the little girl. 

"Lily," she barely whispered. 

The girl sat shivering with her arms wrapped around her knees, eyes clouded with fear. Erin took off her sweater and wrapped it around the girl's shoulders, being careful to move slowly so as not to startle the girl. 

"That's a pretty name. How old are you Lily," 

"Five," she murmured. 

Erin continued to speak softly to the little girl until finally she reached out her hand to take Erin's. As soon as the girl stood her eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted. Erin quickly moved to catch her before the girl's head hit the concrete floor. 

Jay shouted up for the emt's that were tending to the bodies upstairs to come down. They quickly assessed the girl and loaded her into the ambulance. With the rest of the team now on site Voight allowed Jay and Erin to follow the girl to the hospital. There was a chance she may have seen something that could help their case. 

When they arrived at the hospital Maggie directed them to the waiting area. "Nat's just assessing her now. I'll let her know you're waiting for an update," they both thanked her and went to find a seat. 

///

"What about this one?" Erin asked, showing Jay a picture on her phone. 

"Really? You like that?" He scoffed. 

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's so, I don't know, fussy." He scrunched up his face in disgust. 

"It's elegant," she countered. 

"Yeah like I said. Fussy." He laughed. 

Erin rolled her eyes. "We have to make a decision."

"Why? What's wrong with the one we have?"

Erin just stared at him. 

"I mean the one we have works. Why spend the money on a new one?" Jay asked dismissively. But he couldn't completely hide the teasing smile that threatened to spread across his face. 

"Funny, when I said that about the sixty inch tv you wanted to buy six months ago..."

"That was different." Jay stated plainly, interrupting her. 

"How?" Erin turned to look at him accusingly. 

"We use the tv. Everyday." He said with a smile, remembering how she'd put up a fight about the new tv until he'd spent the night teasing and pleasuring her body until she said yes. Maybe he'd get lucky and she'd turn that tactic on him. His smile widened. 

"Listen freckles," Erin began in mock seriousness, but Dr. Manning walked in, motioning for them to join her. Jay cringed. He was still pissed at his brother for telling Erin about that nickname and he hoped Natalie hadn't heard Erin use it. 

"How is she?" Erin asked. 

"Dehydrated. Malnourished. There's some signs of old injuries. I'd say she's had it pretty rough. A couple things on her blood work I didn't like so I've ordered more tests. We should know more tomorrow." Natalie informed them. 

Erin's blood boiled. Nothing set her off faster than people who hurt kids. "Can we talk to her?"

"No. She's still unconscious. I doubt she will wake before morning. Why don't you head home and come back then. I'll have more to tell you by then." Natalie suggested. 

"Ok Nat, thanks." Jay nodded. 

"Any word on any family?" Natalie asked. 

"Not yet. Mouse texted me awhile ago. He did some digging and we haven't been able to locate any relatives. Mouse said he wasn't able to find a birth certificate for her either." Jay explained. 

"Alright, well, let us know if you locate any next of kin, in the meantime we've contacted DCFS."

Erin and Jay nodded and said their good byes. 

After heading back to the district to work what was left of their case for a few more hours now that their prime lead was dead, Hank sent the team home. 

"Do you think they kidnapped her? I mean James had his hand in all kinds of pies." Erin asked, concerned, on the drive home. They still hadn't located any of Lily's relatives and they were beginning to suspect that perhaps she wasn't Stacey or Christopher James child. 

"Maybe? Mouse said he'd run her description through the missing persons database. And we got the okay to run DNA on both Christopher and Stacey. Hopefully tomorrow she can tell us more about herself. And maybe we'll get lucky and she'll know something about what James was up to. We gotta catch these guys before anyone else gets dumped in the river." Jay answered. 

"Yeah," Erin said, distractedly. 

Jay looked over at her and smiled softly. He could practically read her mind. Kids like this always tugged on her heart strings and she'd do whatever she could to help this kid. 

"We won't let anything else bad happen to her Erin." Jay reassured her. 

She smiled wearily. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm exhausted." 

"I know. Me too," Jay stretched his hand across the centre console and squeezed her leg. "You want to pick up take out?" He offered. 

Erin nodded. They stopped and grabbed food before heading up to their condo. Erin sighed with satisfaction when they came through the door. She was glad to be home. She kicked off her boots and headed towards their room. 

"I'm gonna grab a quick shower before we eat," Erin offered over her shoulder. 

Jay stared down at Erin's discarded boots that had mostly made it onto the boot mat. He fought the urge to straighten them in line with all the other shoes lined up neatly there. The sight took him back four months.....

Two months after moving in together they'd had their first blow out. Jay had tripped over her boots for the third time that week and had finally snapped. He was convinced she did it deliberately to push his buttons. 

"Damn it Erin, you're gonna kill someone. Do you have to be such a mess? How hard is it to put the boots on the mat?" He'd vented in frustration. 

One look at Erin's face and he instantly regretted it. He watched hurt morph to anger on her face. 

"Maybe you should stop being such a compulsive neat freak." She barked at him. "Maybe I'm a grown woman and can put my boots any damn where I please. And don't even bring up the bathroom again. The world isn't gonna end just because I didn't stand my boots up or put my eye liner away Jay. We're not in the army. You say I'm the one with control issues. Maybe it's you. Maybe you should just get over yourself and stop trying to change me." 

She'd stomped off to their room and slammed the door. Jay stood blinking at the empty space where she'd been. Sure he'd seen Erin's anger before, he watch suspects cave like babies after one of her tongue lashings. But he'd never been on the receiving end and he was at a loss as to what to do next. 

He wasn't being unreasonable. Was it so hard to put your shoes on the mat? How would she feel if he actually tripped and broke something? And why couldn't she keep the bathroom counter clean? He needed to use that space too. He was not compulsive! He was not going to let her throw this in his face like it was his issue. 

He decided to give her some space to cool down so they could discuss things rationally. When eleven o'clock came and went and Erin still hadn't emerged Jay decided to go check on her. He'd slowly opened the door to find the room dark. He heard Erin's soft breathing and realized she'd long since gone to sleep. He knew waking her would just make her even grumpier so he'd quietly discarded his clothes in the hamper and carefully climbed into bed beside her. 

She hadn't spoken to him for two days after that. She'd left early for work and managed to find excuses to partner up with other members of the unit. She came home late, clad in sweaty workout clothes, deliberately putting her boots in the middle of the hall floor and walked straight past him to their room at night despite his attempt to make conversation. It further enraged him but he kept silent. Finally he couldn't take the childish silent treatment any longer and decided to have it out with her. 

On the next evening Jay jumped up as soon as he heard Erin's key in the door and stood in the front hall making it so she couldn't pass him. She'd been startled by him standing there when she opened the door and almost dropped the bags she was carrying. Instinctively Jay reached out to help her. 

"Thanks," she muttered. 

"Of course," he replied. "What's this?" He asked referring to the bags of hot food. 

"A peace offering," she shrugged at his raised eyebrow. They stared at each other for a moment before Erin sighed. "I may have over reacted," she confessed, staring at the floor. 

All the fight went out of Jay at her pseudo apology. 

"I maybe could have found a nicer way to say something," Jay conceded. 

Erin looked at the boots on the floor. "Maybe I can try not to kill you with my boots."

Jay smiled. "And maybe you could keep your stuff on your side of the bathroom counter?" He offered tentatively. 

She smiled back, "Maybe." 

"I don't want to change you Erin. I just don't want to break my neck." 

"Maybe you should look where you're walking then," she'd said with a cheeky grin, letting him know she was trying to lighten the mood and move past this.....

Jay smiled now at the memory of the make up sex they'd had that night and gently nudged Erin's boots to the side. She had made an effort since then not to kill him with her boots and her makeup mostly stayed on her side of the bathroom counter since then. He wouldn't let this get under his skin. He knew tonight she was too distracted by their little mystery girl who lay unconscious in the hospital.


	49. Chapter 49

The next morning Erin and Jay met Dr. Manning outside Lily's room. Natalie spent some time filling them in on Lily's medical situation. After running additional tests they had diagnosed Lily with Aplastic anemia. Natalie explained the disease in technical terms. 

"What does that mean?" Erin asked. 

"Basically her body can't produce new blood cells. We've started her on immunosuppressive drugs but if that doesn't work her best shot at recovery is a bone marrow transplant. We've submitted her name to the donor list but no word on a match yet." 

"So she'll get better?"

"It's the hope. She's young which puts her odds of survival higher and chances of a successful transplant higher but there are lots of risks and she has a long road ahead of her. And even with successful treatments she could relapse. She's been sick a long time and the environment she was in didn't do her any favours." 

Erin and Jay exchanged a look of concern for the girl then thanked Natalie and headed into Lily's room. 

When they entered the room Jay stood at the foot of the bed while Erin moved up beside the girl to speak with her. 

"Hi Lily,"she said, "do you remember me?"

The tiny girl nodded. "Erin."

"That's right. And this is my partner Jay." Jay smiled softly. Lily looked up at Jay and a tingling sensation went down his spine. She seemed somehow familiar to him, although this was the first real look he was getting at her and he knew he'd never seen her before yesterday. 

There was something about her deep round green eyes that captivated him. He was enchanted by her. He didn't know why but he had an overwhelming urge to protect her, stronger than any other victim he'd encountered before. The nursing staff had managed to clean her up a bit and her long brown hair was now neatly tied in a single braid. She was still extremely pale, the bruising on her arms standing out in stark contrast to her pale skin. They held each other's gaze for a moment longer and Jay felt a brief connection with her, as if he could hear her thoughts. 

Everything's gonna be okay Lily, he silently reassured her. 

A soft smile formed on her lips. 

"My mommy and Chris aren't coming, are they?" she asked, turning her focus back on Erin. 

Erin reached out and squeezed her hand. "No honey, I'm sorry they are not."

"It's okay," the girl said quietly. "I would have just got in trouble anyway."

"Trouble?" Jay probed. 

"Yeah. I get in trouble a lot." She shrugged. 

"For what honey?" Erin asked softly. 

"Making too much noise. Complaining I'm hungry. I try to be good," she said, earnestly. 

"It's okay sweetie. You don't have to worry about that here. If you need something you just let the nurses know and they will help you okay?" 

Lily nodded. 

"Do you know if you have any other family honey? Do you visit with anyone? A grandma, an aunt or uncle?" Erin asked. "Because we haven't been able to find anyone."

The girl shook her head. "No, no one came over except Chris. Mommy said it wasn't allowed. And she made me stay in the basement all the time since the tv broke."

"Did you go to school?" They hadn't been able to find any records of Lily anywhere. She wasn't registered with any of the school boards. 

Lily shook her head no. 

"Have you always lived with your Mommy?"

Lily looked confused but nodded yes. "Well sometimes Chris stays then he goes away. But I don't know where. Mommy gets really sick when he's gone." Jay and Erin exchanged looks. James had likely supplied Stacey with her drugs and when he left, Stacey was left to suffer through withdrawals. 

"Did you ever see any of Chris' friends come over?" Jay hedged. He knew she said no one was allowed over but he had to try. 

"No." she shook her head again. "No one ever came over. Mommy said it wasn't allowed," she said again, nervously. 

"It's okay Lily," Erin again assured her. 

"Chris did something bad didn't he? That's why you came," she asked tentatively. 

"Yes, Lily, he did," Erin couldn't lie to her. "But he's not gonna hurt anyone anymore."

"And Mommy won't hurt me either?" 

"No sweetie," Erin said gently. She didn't know if they should spell it out for her, tell her in plain words that her mother was dead. 

Erin watched as a mirage of emotions crossed Lily's face. Relief, sadness, confusion. She remembered all the times Bunny had disappeared from her own life. Erin would feel fear at being left to fend for herself, relieved knowing there wouldn't be any violent men staggering in drunk with Bunny at night. She remembered being angry at her mother for not caring enough to stay and take care of her and Teddy, but also missing her too. That emotion always confused her. Why would she feel sadness when someone who clearly didn't care for her left her life? But she did and she knew Lily was feeling that too. Her mom was not coming and she was sad and sacred and confused. Erin felt compelled to make her feel safe. Nat had mentioned a child psychologist was going to be visiting with Lily later today. Maybe the psychologist could do a better job of helping Lily process what had happened. 

Erin and Jay continued to visit with Lily, gently probing to see if the girl knew anything that would help their case but it seemed James had kept his business dealings separate from his personal life. The short visit seemed to tired Lily out and she became sleepy. 

"The doctor said I'm sick and I have to stay here," Lily stated. 

"That's right," Jay nodded. "They're going to help you get better." 

"Are you going to come and visit me again?" She asked, her big round eyes looking at one than the other. 

Jay smiled, "would you like us too?"

Lily nodded shyly. 

"Then we absolutely will," Erin said brushing a stray strand of hair from Lily's face. 

Lily smiled then her face fell and she stared at the sheets on her lap. 

"What is it sweetie?" Erin asked gently. Lily remained silent. "It's okay, hey" she encouraged tilting the little girl's chin up gently and making eye contact with her. "You can tell us anything. No one is going to hurt or yell at you here."

"It umm. I," she hesitated. Erin and Jay waited patiently while Lily found her words. "I have a dog, Maddy, she helps me sleep."

"A dog?" Erin asked. They hadn't seen any evidence of a dog in the house. 

"Yeah, she's got pink spots and she's little. Mommy said she came with me."

Jay and Erin became more alert. "What do you mean came with you, sweetie," Jay probed gently. 

"Mommy said when the baby fairies brought me I had Maddy wrapped up with me in my blanket. I keep her hidden in my bed and she helps me sleep at night."

"Okay, Lily. We'll go see if we can find her," Jay reassured her now that they knew Maddy was a stuffed animal. They said their goodbyes and paused outside Lily's closed doors. 

"Baby fairy?" Erin questioned. 

"Yeah that got my wheels turning too. Would explain why there's no record of her, if they kidnapped her."

"But why kidnap and keep a child you have no intention of caring for? You kidnap a kid to get something, ransom. If they've had her since she was an infant..."

"It makes no sense. I'll head back to the district and fill Voight in. The house is still secured by the crime lab if you want to go look for the dog?"

"Yeah," Erin nodded, distractedly. 

"What are you thinking?" Jay asked. 

"I don't know. I thought maybe I would put my name on the list?" She said, hesitantly. 

Jay looked at her confused. 

"The bone marrow list. It's just a simple blood test to see if you're a good donor candidate. And if it helps?" Erin felt a need to help this girl. She reminded Erin all to much of herself. But she felt powerless at the moment. Adding her name to the donor list was the only thing she could think of to do some good. 

Jay nodded. "I'll go with you."


	50. Chapter 50

Erin had gone to Lily's house and found the stuffed puppy after they finished up at the hospital. Maddy was a white, floppy eared dog with pink spots. But the years of living in this neglectful home had taken its toll on Maddy, just as it had Lily. Her white fur was now a muddy gray, one of her eyes was hanging by a thread, an ear was half torn off and there was a hole in the seam of her belly where stuffing had been leaking out. Erin wasn't too fond of her smell either. 

Erin sighed heavily. She'd like nothing more than to throw away the germ infested scrap of material and buy Lily a new puppy to love, but she knew all too well when you had next to nothing the importance of something like a stuffed animal had in your life. Erin thought of Shelby's book, Goodnight Moon, in her memory box. Maddy was all Lily had now, there didn't seem to be anything else belonging to the child in the house except some unwashed, worn out clothing. 

Erin made a mental note to pick Lily up a few things to make her hospital stay more comfortable. Erin placed Maddy in a clear evidence bag she'd snagged from one of the crime scene investigators and headed out. She'd stopped at home to carefully wash and dry the puppy, grabbed some supplies from the store, then headed to the district. She'd already taken too much time and needed to get back to work. 

"What's all that?" Jay asked as she deposited the puppy, bags of sewing supplies, pyjamas and personal things on her desk. 

"Lily's stuffed dog. It was a dirty mess. I washed her and figured I'd try and put some stuffing in her and sew her back up if I got a chance before going to see Lily this evening. And I grabbed a few other things for her. Nothing in the house was worth keeping," Erin explained. 

"You can sew?" Jay mused. 

Erin made a face at him but laughed, "no but I figured I'd try." 

Jay smiled, appreciating once again how big a heart Erin had. 

"Where are we at with things?" Erin asked, needing to get caught up on the case. She scanned the board. Christopher James had been their best shot at breaking open this case. Large shipments of stolen prescription drugs had been making their way into the city. They were having a hell of a time getting to the top of the food chain on this one. This crew was careful. That was until Christopher James was caught on security cameras dumping a body. They'd hoped to use that to their advantage and have him flip on the crew boss but, since uniforms had shot him dead at the house, they were back to square one. 

"I filled Voight in on Lily, he wants us to expand our investigation to include her. He wants to know how she ended up in Stacey's care. Mouse is searching through missing persons and kidnapping reports. O, Ruzek, Dawson and Atwater are trying to track down any new leads now that James is dead and you and I are about to go question Stacey's associates," he said, lifting a small stack of files, "and see if we can't find out more about Lily."

Erin nodded, coming over to take the files from Jay, and thumb through them. 

"She's kept some interesting company over the years," Jay observed. 

"I can imagine," Erin said absently as she glanced from file to file. "We're ready to go?" She asked. Jay nodded and they headed out. 

/

"You okay?" Jay asked, trying to keep his voice light, but Erin had driven in virtual silence across town, lost in her head. 

"I don't know what it is about her, Jay." Erin confessed after a moment of silence. "I know I get protective of the kids, but this one, I don't know how she got under my skin so fast," she let out a deep sigh. 

"Me too," he confessed. 

Erin looked up at him, surprised. Jay had a big heart but he was usually much better at remaining more detached than her. The fact that in one short visit he'd also become invested in Lily surprised her. They stared at each other a moment knowing they were headed into dangerous territory. They knew Lily's likely fate, she'd end up in foster care if they couldn't track down her real family. They couldn't guarantee she'd be in a good home and with a health prognosis that wasn't great... 

Erin abruptly killed the engine on the 300 and climbed from the car. Jay sighed. He needed to clear his head of thoughts like that. He needed to stay focused. If things didn't work out well for Lily it was going to hit Erin hard and he needed to be her rock, not get pulled down by his own emotions. 

/

Three hours later Jay pulled open the door to the district and walked through alone. On their way back Erin had received a call from Med letting her know she'd successfully passed the first screening to be a bone marrow donor for Lily and they needed to do more tests. She'd dropped him off at the district and headed over to the hospital. 

Their fishing expedition into Stacey's life had been somewhat successful but it also left them with more questions. They'd been able to piece together how Stacey got Lily, but not where she came from. 

It seemed James had his hand in more than one pot. Not only was he moving prescription drugs but he also dealt in black market adoptions. Stacey's friends had said she'd had a miscarriage years ago that resulted in her not being able to have kids and she'd wanted one, bad. One day she'd showed up proudly showing off a new baby, saying James had made it so she could adopt the new baby. For a few weeks she'd shown off the baby but then one day she turned up without it. She never mentioned the child and they'd never seen it again. Everyone assumed child services had taken her given Stacey's party lifestyle. 

Erin and Jay had speculated that James had got nervous with all the parading she was doing, not wanting people to ask too many questions about where the child came from and, as Lily had said, he made sure no one came to the house or saw the child. It was also possible once the novelty wore off and the reality of caring for a child set in, Stacey had lost interest in showing off her new toy. 

Jay's blood boiled when he imagined the neglect and abuse Lily had endured over her five short years. He wished Christopher and Stacey were alive so he could take his anger out on them. He also wanted answers. Who's baby was Lily? Where had she come from? And how many more babies had James stolen from families? 

/

Erin trudged into the break room praying there was fresh coffee. She'd just come back from Med where she'd been poked and prodded and asked a million questions. But it was looking like she might be a viable match for Lily, so she'd willingly suffered through. She'd wanted to stop by Lily's room and let her know she found Maddy but Lily was sound asleep. They'd moved her out of Emergency and up to the paediatric floor. The nurse had said both the child psychologist and child services had been by since Erin and Jay had interviewed Lily this morning. The poor girl was tuckered out. 

Erin had peaked in on her quickly. The sigh of Lily laying there pale and tiny pulled at her heart. Bruises now ran the length of both her tiny arms. Alarmed at the sight, Erin approached the desk nurse and questioned her. The nurse had explained that the bruising was caused by the IV lines running into both her arms. She said bruising was common and occurred easily in patients with Lily's condition. But it still unnerved Erin to see the black and blue marks marring Lily's diminutive frame. Erin thanked the nurse, reminded her to call if there was any change in Lily's condition and let the nurse know she'd be back later to visit. 

Erin stopped short in the break room doorway when she spied Jay sitting, hunched over something at the table, face scrunched up in concentration. 

"What are you doing?" She chuckled. 

Jay looked up, thread purses between lips and mumbled, "sewing Maddy up."

Erin raised a curious eyebrow at him, amusement and affection clear on her face. 

"Two tours in the Army and a former plastic surgeon resident for a brother, a guy picks up some skills," Jay defended himself. 

Erin raised her hands in surrender, she wasn't going to tease him. In fact, she found it adorable he was sitting there sewing a child's toy back together. 

"How's Lily?" Jay asked, knowing Erin would have popped in to see her while at the hospital. 

"She was asleep. They've moved her upstairs."

"And how are you, you manage to endure their poking around?" Jay teased gently. 

Erin smiled, he knew her well, "yeah I'm good. They explained the donor process more, asked me more health questions and ran a few tests. They'll know how good a match I am in a couple of days." 

Jay nodded. He was glad Erin could help Lily in this way but he worried if the transplant wasn't successful how she'd feel. "I figured we could take Maddy to Lily once we wrapped up here tonight? I talked to Will, he said it would be okay if we brought her a small treat too," Jay offered. 

"Sounds like a plan. I picked up a few other things for her as well when I got the sewing supplies. We can give them to her tonight too," Erin said taking a seat at the table next to Jay. "Any news?"

"DNA came back, as we figured, neither Christopher or Stacey is a match to Lily. Antonio thinks we might have a new lead on the drugs and Al's been sniffing around trying to get a lead on the black market adoptions. Mouse has been through lists of missing persons and child abduction reports but none match up with Lily. He's frustrated. We don't even have a date of birth to work with for her. She might even be from out of state." 

"I know. Child services went to see her today. The nurse said Lily would likely be in the hospital for a couple weeks even if she didn't need the bone marrow transplant but I'd really like to find her family before she gets discharged."

"I know. I don't want her in the system either Erin," he said, squeezing her hand. "We'll find them," he reassured her. "Here, I'm done. What do you think?" Jay asked proudly holding Maddy up for Erin's inspection. 

Erin took the stuffed dog from Jay with a smile. She had to admit he'd done an amazing job sewing her back together. 

"She looks great. You did good baby," she said, pleased. Erin's eyes darted to the door before she quickly leaned in and deposited a soft kiss on Jay's lips. "Thank you," she whispered.

Jay smiled but it was soft and devoid of the usual cocky confidence he displayed when he knew he'd done something to please her. "I hope it cheers her up. She's been through enough."


	51. Chapter 51

She couldn't stop thinking about the tiny girl. Erin had made a call to family services that afternoon to find out who Lily's worker was. She needed to connect with them and see if she could advocate for Lily. She was relieved to hear it was Claira, Amy's worker. She trusted Claira. Erin knew she worked hard to protect the kids on her case load. Erin got the okay to talk to the psychologist, Amanda, who had interviewed Lily earlier, claiming she needed to know if there was any information that would help their case or help locate Lily's family. But really Erin wanted, no, needed to know just how much Stacey had screwed Lily up. Erin had slammed down her desk phone a little to forcefully after she thanked Amanda for speaking with her. 

"Everything okay kiddo?" Hank asked, coming out of his office with Mouse. 

"That bitch made Bunny sound like a Saint," Erin spat. She ran her hands over her face. 

Amanda had been able to get a little more detailed account of Lily's life from Lily. The details made Erin's stomach turn. Amanda also gently ensured Lily understood Stacey and Christopher were dead. Amanda had said Lily seemed apathetic. She suspected Lily was shell shocked by the police raid yesterday, having heard everything that transpired and was disconnecting herself emotionally. She was also sure Lily was having a hard time understanding everything that was happening to her. She was only five and had almost no exposure to anyone outside Stacey and Christopher. Her only contact with the outside world had been through tv, until Lily said it broke. 

"To be honest Erin, I was surprised her speech was as well developed as it was. But she is probably well behind her peers with both emotional and social development and she's definitely small for her age," Amanda explained. 

She went on to tell Erin Lily was generally mistrusting of everyone and particularly nervous around men. She'd become quite upset when a male doctor had tried to examine her. Erin was a bit surprised by this. While she's been guarded with them, Lily had displayed no fear of either her nor Jay this morning. Amanda's report to child services would recommend that Lily receive ongoing counselling to help the girl work through all the trauma she'd endured once she was discharged. For now, Amanda would be visiting with her regularly. 

As far as her abduction went, Lily didn't seem to have any awareness that she wasn't Stacey's biological child. Nor did Lily know when her own birthday was. "She said she asked her mother how old she was once, Stacey told her she was five. It was hard to get a sense of how long ago that was from Lily, at her age her perception of time is not well developed yet." Amanda explained. 

Erin felt overwhelmed and angry at everything Amanda has shared with her. 

"Not getting too involved are you?" Hank cautioned. 

"She has no one Hank! And she could die! They made it clear to me just how serious her condition is this morning when I did all those tests. You want me to let her die in the hospital alone?" She snapped at him. 

Hank simply stared at Erin waiting for the outrage his big hearted almost daughter let fly to subside and his rational Detective to return. 

"I'm sorry. She's five, well at least that's what we think. That excuse of a mother treated her like a toy and when she got bored of her, she tossed her in the basement with the rest of the old and broken junk." Erin seethed more quietly. 

"Yes well they got what they deserved." Hank said with distain. "But there's only so much you can do for this girl Erin."

Erin nodded. "I know but Claira is her worker so..."

"So she's in good hands. You need to focus on finding this girl's family," Hank's voice was harsher than Erin liked but she didn't push back. There was no point. Arguing with him wouldn't help Lily and with her luck he'd pull her off the case if she pushed things too far. Erin nodded without conviction and turned her attention back to the files on her desk. 

The day had dragged on in a frustrating way. Erin felt as if they were spinning their wheels on both the drug case and finding Lily's family. When Hank finally told them to head home and get some rest Erin hopped up and started gathering everything she wanted to take to Lily. 

"Want to grab something quick to eat on the way?" Jay asked, coming to take the bag from her. He'd kept his mouth shut during her earlier exchange with Voight, stepping between them was only something someone with a death wish was dumb enough to do, but his own feelings of contempt and anger towards Stacey mirrored Erin's and he was anxious to go check in on Lily. 

"Yeah, sounds good." 

/

They knocked gently on the door as they pushed it open. Lily's eyes fluttered open. She looked around in confusion, as if trying to remember where she was, before making eye contact with Jay. She stared, unblinking at him for a moment. Jay was once again caught in her spell. It was slightly unnerving the way she looked into him, but he let her. She had never had anyone to trust and Jay wanted her to know the he would never hurt her. The same slow smile from this morning made her lips twitch slightly upwards before she blinked and looked past him for Erin.

"You came back," she said with a mixture of surprise and relief. 

"Of course we did, you asked us too. And look who we found!" Erin exclaimed, pulling Maddy out from the bag. 

Lily's eyes grew bigger, if that were possible.

"I gave her a bath and Jay fixed her up, I hope that's okay," Erin asked, unsure if the child would accept the toy now that it looked so different. 

"Just like the doctors did to me," Lily whispered as she took Maddy gently from Erin's hands. She turned her over tentatively, examining the changes in her beloved toy. Her small smile returned. "Thank you," she said softly and she squeezed Maddy to her chest. 

Erin and Jay's postures simultaneously relaxed. They hadn't realized how much her approval mattered until Lily pressed the dog against her chest, eyes closed and cheek gently nuzzling its faux fur. 

"She feels so soft now," Lily inhaled deeply. "And she smells good. Like you," she said, looking at Erin. 

"We brought you a few other things too,"  
Erin said, placing the bag on Lily's lap. 

Excitement lit Lily's eyes briefly before being replaced by skepticism. 

"It's okay Lily. It's not much, just a few things to make you feel more comfortable in the hospital since you have to stay here awhile." 

It broke Jay's heart watching Lily. The child had likely never been given a gift of any kind and she didn't know how to react or what the cost would be to her. No five year old should be inherently suspicious and again he felt the anger in his stomach. He glanced from Lily's skeptical face to Erin's empathetic and reassuring one. His heart squeezed at the idea that Erin could directly relate to Lily's feelings right now. His anger further grew at the idea that Erin knew exactly how this child felt from her own childhood experience. He squashed the emotion down and tried to relax so Lily wouldn't sense and misinterpreted his feelings. 

Eventually Lily's excitement at receiving a gift won out over her caution. Carefully she spread open the handles of the bag and peered inside. She pulled out a colouring book and crayons, a puzzle, a brush and pretty hair elastics, some fuzzy bunny slippers and a pair of pyjamas. Lily ran her fingers over the soft fabric of the slippers and pyjamas. 

"Do you like them? Because of you don't I can get you something else," Erin offered. 

Lily nodded, "yes, they're soft. Can I wear them?"

"Umm hmm, the nurse said as soon as you're strong enough to walk to the bathroom she will help you change out of the hospital gown. And the slippers will keep your feet warm on these floor." 

As Erin was showing Lily how to manoeuvre the table over her bed so she could colour or build the puzzle Jay's phone buzzed. 

"Halstead," he answered, then paused to listen. "Ok, yup,we'll be there in ten." Jay disconnected the call. "That was Mouse, we need to head back to the district. Antonio found them, we're moving in tonight." Jay said, carefully choosing his words so Lily wouldn't catch on that they were about to execute a bust on the drug smuggling ring Christopher had been involved with. 

Erin nodded then explained to Lily that they needed to go back to work. They helped her settle in for the night, putting all her new things where she could reach them easily. Lily squeezed Maddy tight to her as Erin fixed Lily's blankets. 

"This okay?" Erin asked. Lily nodded. "Try to rest okay?" Again Lily nodded. 

"Will you come back?" Lily asked, just as shyly as she had this morning. 

Both Erin and Jay gave her a reassuring smile. "Of course we will!" Lily smiled back. Erin squeezed Lily's hand, "Lily the nurse has our number so if you need anything just ask them to call us okay? One of us will be here, I promise." Lily held Erin's gaze until she seemed satisfied Erin was telling the truth. 

"Okay," she whispered. 

Without thinking Erin leaned forward and kissed Lily softly on the head. "Have a good sleep sweetie. We'll see you tomorrow."

Jay was standing at the foot of her bed and gave Lily's foot a gentle squeeze, "Sleep well munchkin," he smiled at her. Lily nodded and closed her eyes.


	52. Chapter 52

They finished the briefing and headed down to the roll up to gear up. Antonio had worked with members of narcotics and the gang unit chasing down leads and they discovered a shipment was coming in today to be processed. They were going to raid a small factory that had been sold to a developer to convert into lofts. The developer abandoned it when the economy tanked a few years ago. The place had since been taken over by a new generation of drug smugglers with big plans to use Chicago as their gateway city.

This was their chance to catch the crew they'd hoped Christopher James could lead them to before he was shot dead. All three units had met at the twenty first to work out the details of the raid.

Erin took a deep breath and double checked her weapons before picking up her vest. Right on cue, Jay's hand came across her shoulder to tighten down the straps helping to secure her vest.

"You okay? You seem quiet?" Jay asked.

Erin turned to help Jay with his vest. "Yeah I'm fine." She replied.

"You sure? Because if something feels off, I'd like to know now." He probed.

"No, no I'm fine." Jay looked at her hard. Erin sighed. "I swear, I'm good. Its just a lot of moving parts, plus..."

"Lily," Jay finished her sentence.

"Yeah, I'm just trying to keep focused." Erin confirmed.

"Okay." Jay nodded, accepting her answer. They loaded the cars up and headed out to the address.

///

She took a deep breath of the cold air and prepared to cover Antonio as he made the turn. They came into a wider hallway. They were flanked on one side by floor to ceiling windows and the other by several doorways. They were going to have to clear each room one by one, but she knew the other half of the team, with Jay on it, was working their way towards them from the opposite entrance. They'd already done this in the basement and on the main floor and secured some suspects, without tipping off anyone else who may be in the building, and moved them to the opposite side of the property where they were out of sight.

Room by room they'd moved down the passageway as silently as they could. When they came to the third door it was Erin's turn to take the lead. She hugged the wall tight, aiming her gun around the corner first then slowly moved to gain a sight line. She stuck out her foot to open the partially ajar door slowly. She glanced up to see Jay moving into the doorway of the room next to her and a warning chill ran down her spine. The boom of rapid gun fire pearced the silence of the building before she could act on her instinct.

"Take cover!" Ruzek yelled.

Erin twisted to get back behind the wall and looked towards the source of the sound. Jay stumbled backwards out of the doorway. He tried desperately to regain his balance and fire his gun to cover himself but a suspect charged him and they crashed backwards through the glass window pane.

Erin flew to the buildings edge and looked down, terrified of what she'd see, while Antonio provided cover. The night was dark but the area where Jay had fallen was lit by the entrance way lights. Jay lay on his back on the ground with the suspect laying over him. After a moment the suspect was scrambling to sit up on Jay and begain hitting Jay in the face. She could see Jay trying to defend himself and keep the suspect from fleeing. His movement brought some relief but the fall combined with the weight of the suspect landing on him left him weakened and unable to overtake the suspect.

Erin glanced around the hall, there was shouting as her fellow officers converged on the room Jay had been hit from. She glanced back at Jay who was still struggling with the suspect. She couldn't leave him to fend for himself. He clearly wasn't in any shape to gain the upper hand.

"Do you have a shot?" Antonio asked, seeing the struggle below.

"Yeah," Erin nodded.

"Take it, now" Antonio barked, the adrenaline and stress of the moment evident in his voice.

Erin steadied herself in the open window frame, loose snow swirling in the wind through the broken window. She aimed her gun, took a slow deep breath, silencing the chaos behind her, and focused her scope on the suspect. When the suspect's body pivoted back and away from Jay, preparing to take another swing at him, Erin took her shot. The crack of the gun rang in her ears. She watched motionlessly as the suspect's body stiffened and then slumped. Erin sprang to her feet and focused back on the situation in the hall trying to gage where she was needed.

"Go, Lindsay! Go now," Dawson ordered her, pointing to the stairwell back the way they'd come in. It was all she needed. Erin flew down the stairs, gun held ready to protect herself, and across the gravel to Jay. He was struggling to remove the body from him.

"Jay, don't move. Stay still." She ordered with a shaky voice. She skidded to a halt above him and pulled the body off Jay. She checked quickly for a pulse but he was dead and no longer a threat. In the distance she could hear shouting and gun fire as the team scrimmaged with the crew in the building. But she was solely focused on assessing Jay for injury.

Jay reached for his chest. He was struggling to catch his breath, his laboured attempts creating white puffs in the cold night air. The fall with the weight of man on top of him had knocked the wind out of him.

"Easy Jay, slow breaths," Erin tried to help him calm his breathing.

The imagine of Jay's body jerking backwards from the impact of bullets flashed across her mind and she began carefully checking over his vest.

"Five, I count five entry points," she mumbled urgently to no one in particular. Her hands shook, _from the cold_ she lied to herself, as she tried to undo the straps and see if any bullets had penetrated his Kevlar.

He could feel Erin's hands franticly searching his torso. Her hands were cool against the biting heat of his chest. He knew he'd be covered in bruises from the impact of both the bullets and the fall based on the hot pain that ripped through him.

"He's good, he's good, the vest stopped them all," Erin called out, relief evident in her voice.

Jay wondered who she was talking to until he caught sight of Antonio rushing up beside her. Jay tired to sit up again but pain exploded through his ribs and Erin gently pushed him down.

"No Jay. You might have injured you're back, something could be broken, stay put." She said, voice shaky with concern. She cleared her throat, trying to regain composure. _Not the time Lindsay, stay focused,_ she commanded herself.

Jay heard Antonio radio for an ambulance. He wanted to tell them he was fine, just winded. He wanted to say he didn't need an ambulance and they needed to get back in there with the rest of the team but the weight on his chest was heavy despite Erin having removed his vest. He still couldn't catch his breath. He closed his eyes, willing himself to take slow breaths, and let his head fall back against the cold gravel. It was freezing outside. He opened his eyes to see light snow dancing in the air above him, making the world spin, but Jay couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel the snow flakes landing on his cheeks or the cold of the icy gravel beneath him.

All Jay felt, aside from the pain, was anger. He'd let that asshole get the jump on him. He knew something was waiting for him behind that door. He felt the chill run down his back as he approached, caught Erin's slight posture change as she looked up from her position in the next door way. She'd felt it too. But he wasn't gonna back down. He needed to breach the door, he was just about to reposition himself to a more cautious stance when the gun shots ripped through the door and into his vest. The force was more than he anticipated and when that asshole came flying at him he wasn't ready. Jay's jaw tightened as his frustration with himself mounted.

"All clear," Jay heard someone call through the radio left laying in the dirt next to his head.

He opened his eyes. Erin was still hovered over him, watching him carefully, Antonio standing watch above her. Jay reached his hand up to touch her cheek.

"I'm good," he said, hoping to remove the worried look from her eyes.

"If it's all the same, I'd rather hear that from a doctor," Erin stated dryly, but she offered him a soft smile.

Jay cringed as Brett and Gaby moved in to assess and load Jay into the ambulance. He pleaded silently with Erin to get them to stop poking at him, knowing how much she herself hated to be probed like that, but Erin silently shook her head no.

"Let them do their thing Jay," she said, her voice laced with apology.

The neck collar they forced on him, even though he repeatedly tried to refuse it, felt like its was choking him. He grimaced in pain as the gurney bumped across the gravel towards the ambulance. Brett quietly apologized with each pot hole they couldn't avoid. He braced himself as they lifted him up and into the rig. The doors slammed shut as Brett took her position next to him, radioing med with details of their inbound patient. A cool hand pressed into his and he turned his eyes away from Brett and up into the pretty green ones still clouded with concern.

"Nice... shot..." Jay wheezed out, hoping the remark removed some worry from her face.

The corner of her lip twitched upward. Jay had a sudden flash of Lily's reluctant smile from earlier but then it was gone.

"It was, wasn't it?" She tried to fiend the cocky humour she knew Jay needed to be reassured she wasn't going to dissolve into a babbling mess because she just witnessed him get shot and pushed out a second story window.

"Not quite as good as I could have made, but you didn't hit me so..." A cough overtook Jay in the middle of his attempt to tease her.

As Jay struggled to regain control of his breathing the small confines of the rig pressed in on him. He'd never had an issue with small places before but as his mind began to process what his body had just endured unease seeped in, replacing the adrenaline that helped keep him conscious until now. Jay closed his eyes again, shutting out the unwelcome thoughts, instead focusing on the muffled sound of the sirens and the press of Erin's soft hand in his.

.

 

 


	53. Chapter 53

"Lucky bastard is fine," Will said, walking up to Erin.

She'd been pacing back and forth along the hall outside the exam room waiting for Will to finish his assesment. The emotional reaction she'd mostly suppressed at the scene threatening to bubble over now.

"He just wants the attention. Thinks he's superman jumping out of windows." Will rolled his eyes.

"He didn't jump," Erin bit out. How the hell could Will act so caviller?

"Yeah well superman will live. He's gonna have some pain for a bit, worse so tomorrow, especially since he refused pain meds, to so he'll have to wait awhile before he tries that stunt again but nothing's broken, all his scans came back fine." Will waved his hands at the iPad he was reading in dismissal.

Erin shot Will daggers. This was his brother. How was he being so flippant? Will stepped closer and touched Erin's arm.

"Lindsay, he's fine. That's good news, no need to plan my funeral."

"No need for you to stand there and act like an ass either," Erin shot back.

Will closed and opened his eyes slowly. "I'm sorry. I promise he's good. I wouldn't say so if he wasn't, he is my brother after all. I checked every possible thing. Take him home. Make him ride the couch. I'll stop by in the morning after shift to look him over again." He said with more empathy in his voice.

Erin let Will's words sink. He was fine. Jay was fine. She tested the sentences out in her head. Will's words wared with the images of Jay exploding backwards through the glass. But eventually she allowed the relief to push out some of the anxiety.

"Go and see him, get him out of my ED, we need the bed for someone with actual injuries," Will said, flashing her a teasing grin and winking.

Erin couldn't help but smile a little. _Damn Halstead's were as cocky and charming as they came_ , she thought to herself as she mumbled her thanks and made her way to Jay's room.

Erin took a breath and heaved on the sliding glass door. Jay looked up from where he was sitting on the side of the exam table.

"See, told you I was fine," he smiled at her. Erin didn't respond. Instead she stared, wide eyed, at the bruises that were already beginning to form over his torso.

"Erin," Jay called out. His voice broke her stare. "Wanna grab my shirt for me," he nodded towards the table she stood next to.

"Yeah, sure," she said, picking it up and finally coming over to him. He tried to take it from her but Erin pulled away and began placing it over his head herself.

"I can do that," he objected, tentatively pushing his arms through the holes as she held the fabric out for him. Okay, he'd exaggerated a bit about being fine, partially because he could see she was still worried and partially because he didn't want to admit to himself how much it hurt. While he was technically still in one piece, every movement reminded him he'd taken a two story express trip to the ground with a two hundred pound package on top of him. How he hadn't broken something he didn't know.

Once he was dressed he shimmied off the table and tested his weight on his feet.

"I'll get a wheelchair," Erin announced.

"Oh no, hell no," Jay protested, staring her down, making sure she knew it wasn't open for debate. No way in hell was he gonna be wheeled out of here.

"Jay," she challenged.

"No," he said firmly.

Erin sighed and relented. "Do you need help?"

"Nah, I'm good. How are we getting home?" Jay was worried they'd be stuck in a taxi since they'd arrived via ambulance. He wasn't sure he could handle some maniacs driving.

"Dawson and Atwater dropped off the car. They couldn't stay, there was a lot to process from the bust. But they said if you needed anything they'd be back in a heartbeat."

Jay nodded. "They just want an excuse to get out of there," he laughed. He'd rather be back at the district grilling drug dealers than going home to laze around but Will had been an ass and wouldn't clear him for duty, not even desk duty. He had half a mind to get a second opinion.

"Let's go then," Jay said, taking his first tentative steps towards the door.

Erin walked close by his side ready to offer support should he need it. But Jay was every bit as stubborn as she was and made the trek to the car on his own, not even conceding to let Erin run ahead and bring the car to the door. Watching him climb in was almost as painful for Erin as it was Jay. Even in the dark she could see the veins popping on his neck from the strain of suppressing the pain. She briefly wondered if she should try and talk Will into admitting Jay for at least the night.

///

Jay stood looking up the stairs with a sense of daja vu. Of all the days for the elevators to be out. This had been one of the perks to the new loft, no more climbing flights of stairs.

"What's wrong? What do you need?" Erin asked, gently placing her hand on his arm.

"I was thinking you should carry me," he teased dryly.

"What are you that bad?" Erin questioned, not realizing he was joking. "Jay I knew you should have spent the night..."

"It's only fair," he cut off her worried rant.

Erin looked at him confused.

"I mean, I carried you the day you came home after your car accident," he smirked at her.

Erin blew out a breath. The big jerk was teasing her. She was worried sick and he was cracking jokes. "Ok," she'd play along.

Jay scoffed.

"You don't think I could haul you ass up these stairs?" She challenged.

"Oh I'm sure you'd find a way, not sure I'm in any shape to survive it right now though," he chuckled as Erin shot him an offended look.

"Shall we?" He said blowing out a breath. He'd delayed the inevitable as long as he could. He was going to have to suck it up and climb the stairs.

"After you," Erin gestured for Jay to go first. She might not be able to scoop him up but she could stop him from falling if she walked behind him.

//

  
They'd only been home long enough for Jay to have a hot shower and find the couch and already he was done being fussed over but he bit his tongue. After all she'd only offered to get him some pillows and something to eat. He should be thankful to have this incredible, beautiful woman waiting on him. Plus he knew it made her feel better. He remembered when she'd been laid up after the car accident how caring for her had eased his own mind that she was really okay. She'd hated almost every minute of it too in the beginning. _It's only a day or two Halstead let your girl do her thing,_ he bargained with himself.

He was still angry with himself over what happened. He'd tried not to stare too long in the bathroom mirror while he was drying off after his shower. The five welts on his chest stung with the reminder that he'd almost bought it. Not something he could afford to dwell on, so he'd pushed the thought quickly from his head and struggled into his pyjama bottoms and t-shirt.

He glanced around the apartment from his spot on the couch now while Erin was in the bedroom changing her clothes and retrieving pillows. She'd repositioned the coffee table so it was easier for him to reach and turned on the Christmas tree lights. Jay's foul mood evaporated as he watched the way the warm lights sparkled and cast soft shadows on the floor and ceiling. The pain in his ribs subsided as his senses were flooded with the fresh memory of picking out their first Christmas tree together. That had been a good day.

  
////

Two weeks ago:  
Jay came back in from his run a little more winded than normal. The air had turned cold overnight and the first snowfall of the season had dusted everything, making him exert a little more energy keeping his footing steady.

He dropped his keys, phone and ear buds on the hall table and rounded the corner to the kitchen in search of water. Erin was standing at the sink, seemingly unaware of his presence, washing out something he couldn't see and, was she humming?

Bemused, he paused to try and catch the tune. She hummed along for another moment before mumbled lyrics escaped her lips.

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow,"

The laugh escaped before he could repress it and Erin turned. Her cheeks reddened with embarrassment, then her eyes narrowed and her wet hand came to her hip. "Are you laughing at me Halstead?"

"I, I'm, no," he fumbled. He didn't know what he found cuter, his tough girl humming Christmas carols at the sink or the fiery vixen ready to tackle him.

He cleared his throat and tried to make his expression neutral but it was too late, she'd caught the amusement in his eyes and he knew he was in trouble.

Erin was extremely self conscious of her singing voice. He'd caught her once or twice singing along with the radio under her breath but as soon as she'd realized what she was doing and that he was listening she always stopped. He'd once made the mistake of telling her she had a pretty singing voice. A compliment he'd quickly regretted giving, no matter how true it was.

"I thought you hated snow," Jay teased. _Damn it Halstead, cut it out. You're gonna regret this,_ he berated himself but the devil on his shoulder couldn't resist having a little fun with her.

"I don't hate it. I hate driving in it. And chasing criminals in it and grocery shopping in it and cleaning it off the car but I don't hate it." She corrected him.

As hard as he tried Jay couldn't get the grin off his face. "Oh, that's all huh."

Erin glared at him, hand still on hip. "You're making fun of me." She stated, not sharing his amusement.

"No of course not," He put his hands up in defence and flashed her his best smile.

She began stalking towards him.

"You are." She accused.

She tried to look threatening but he knew how that smile affected her and she couldn't stop the twitch of her lip.

Jay backed up slightly, letting her have the upper hand for a moment then an idea popped into his head.

"Hey I've got an idea!"

His sudden outburst caught Erin by surprise and she halted her prowl.

"What?" she asked, with slow suspicion.

"Let's go tree shopping!" Jay exclaimed.

"What?" Her face scrunched up as she tried to make sense of his words.

"You know, a Christmas tree. Let's drive up north to a tree farm and pick out a tree. It's the perfect day for it." Jay elaborated.

Erin's head tilted to the side while she mulled his words over. She thought back to the last time she'd put up a tree. Hank's house, the Christmas before Camille died. Camille had made a big production of the holidays and once Erin felt her place was secure in the family she'd enjoyed all the fuss and tradition, although she mostly kept her excitement to herself. A small smile crossed her face as she remembered the Voight Christmas traditions.

"Isn't it too early?" She asked.

"Nah, My grandfather had a trick to keeping the tree fresh for weeks. It's the perfect time." Jay said, confidently.

"Ok," Erin shrugged.

"Really?" Jay was surprised she agreed so easily.

They had never really made a big deal out of the holidays before, always volunteering to work them. They usually found time to go out for dinner and exchanged small gifts, but now that they were living together, it just somehow seemed right they get a tree. Still, Jay wasn't sure what kind of memories this holiday held for Erin.

"Yeah, go grab your shower while I finish this up, then we'll go." Erin turned back to the kitchen to finish her chore.

Jay's smile returned. Not only did he get out of feeling Erin's wrath from teasing her but now they had a fun plan for the day.

They'd driven about an hour north of the city to the place they use to get their trees when Will and Jay were kids. The memories were mostly sweet if Jay shut out the thought of his father's infidelity and the fact that his mom was no longer here. She'd loved Christmas, their house was always full of wonderful smells this time of year from all her cooking and baking. And even though they usually spent the actual holiday up at the cabin with the whole family, mom had insisted on a tree for the house as well.

They wandered around for about an hour looking for what Jay deemed the perfect tree. Erin found it amusing how serious he took tree picking. She had just wanted something small to put in the corner but he insisted on something that would "do justice to their floor to ceiling windows" and "was scaled to their new loft," as he put it. She was just worried they'd end up the butt of a bad Christmas comedy trying to get his version of the perfect tree home and set up.

They'd bantered back and forth the whole time, at one point ending up in a take no prisoners snowball fight that had other patrons wondering if they should call for men in white coats and near by kids itching to join in. It ended when Jay tackled her to the ground and Erin shoved a fist full of snow down his back. The yelp he let out made her laugh so hard she couldn't catch her breath and Jay quickly sat up, pulling her with him. He'd rubbed and patted her back for a minute while she regained her composure then they'd helped each other to their feet and continued tree hunting.

In the end, he'd settled on something about 8 feet tall. They secured it to the car and Erin made them stop at several stores on the way home so she could hunt down the perfect decorations for Jay's perfect tree.

Once home Jay went full blown cocky Christmas tree expert setting up the tree and stringing the lights. Erin sat arms wrapped around knees on the couch clutching her hot coffee to warm up and watched him.

She had a hard time believing this was her life and not some corny cable Christmas special. It was all so domestic and fun. Jay had even loaded classic Christmas music onto his iPod and the loft was filled with the sounds of Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole crooning. Erin rolled her eyes when Nat started serenading her about chestnuts roasting on open fires, then quickly chastised herself for being so syndical. After all this is what she'd hoped for when they moved here wasn't it? To create new and happy memories to balance out the horrors they fought against daily and the misery of the past.

_You deserve some joy Erin,_ she reprimanded herself, _go with it._ Erin put down her cup and picked up a box of ordainments. Together she and Jay covered the tree with shiny balls and decorations. When they were done they both stood back to admire their work.

"Not bad if I do say so myself," Jay preened. Erin rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Yeah, yeah, at least you're better at picking trees then you are snowball fights."

"What, no way. I won that fight. No way were you getting out my tackle," he argued.

"Ha! You screeched louder than a ten year old girl in a room full of spiders when that snow hit your skin and you rolled off me," Erin teased.

"I did not! I sat up because you were choking," he reminded her.

"I wasn't choking, I was laughing. At you!"

"Rematch," Jay demanded.

"What?"

"Let's have a rematch." No way was she going to claim she'd won and get away with it.

"No way," she shook her head. "You're just being a sore looser."

"Oh yes, right now, rematch," He said, stalking towards her.

"No, no way." Erin said, ducking behind the couch.

They played cat and mouse around the living room until finally Jay caught Erin, threw her up over his shoulder and took off.

"Jay Halstead I swear to god if you toss me in the snow...."

But she couldn't finish as Jay tossed her on the bed. She was stunned just long enough for Jay to climb up over her, trapping her beneath him with his legs.

Erin's eyes instantly lit with desire and Jay smirked at her. "Nothing to say now?"

Erin licked her lips. If this was Jay's idea of a rematch, she was all in.

Gently Jay took her hands, kissed the knuckles on each in turn, then placed her hands above her head. Erin didn't bother to move them. Her heart rate had already quickened and she was eager to know what he had in mind.

Jay leaned forward, and whispered just above her lips. "Want to know the rules?"

Erin smiled and nodded.

"Keep your hands up there, and no giggling. You giggle, you loose," he whispered suggestively.

Erin had half a mind to start giggling now just to get to the punishment, but she would let him have his fun for a few minutes.

Jay trailed his fingers down her cheek, throat and circled the opening at the neck of her t-shirt. He followed the path his finger took with the lightest whisper of kisses. Erin's skin came alive, tingling with sensation.

Slowly he tugged her shirt up over her head and tossed it on the ground. Erin replaced her hands above her head and looked up into Jay's eyes. He was staring down at her. There was so much heat in his eyes as they roamed over her flesh that she broke out in goose bumps. Jay smiled at this.

Again he began tracing over her skin with the slightest touch of his fingers, then lips. Erin bucked when he skimmed over her ribs and bit down hard on her lip trying to suppress her giggle. Jay raised his head and looked at her face. He knew exactly how ticklish she was there. She willed herself to relax and Jay continued his sweet torture.

Again he tried to make her laugh by gently assaulting her ribs but Erin managed to hold it together.

Jay slid himself lower and began his assault on her belly. When he got no response he moved lower still. Gently he tugged on the waist ban of her pants, lowering them just far enough to expose the hallows of her hip bones.

"Shit," Erin cursed under her breath.

Jay looked up at her with a Cheshire grin. As ticklish as her ribs were, the insides of her hips were ten times worse. No way would she win this game. Jay sat up and took his time looking her over again.

There was a time when this kind of attention made Erin feel self conscious and there was no way she'd have lay exposed and vulnerable like this for any other man but now, here like this, with the man she trusted more than anyone, she felt almost beautiful and certainly safe.

Jay pretended to reach for her most ticklish spot and Erin tensed. At the last second he stopped, pretending to get distracted by something else.

"Bastard," she bit out.

Jay chuckled. "What's wrong babe?" He asked innocently "afraid of losing?"

Erin glared at him. "Not exactly a fair game," she protested.

Jay just laughed at her again and dipped his head down to blow gently across her hips.

"Enough!" She shouted and before Jay could react she'd twisted her legs around him and flipped him over. She quickly scrambled down until she sat straddling him and lifted his arms up above his head, holding them in place.

Jay cocked an eyebrow at her. "Cheating again?" He drawled.

"Gaining the upper hand," she said, confidently.

Jay barked out a laugh. He knew she knew he could easily turn the tables back to his advantage but truth was her boldness excited him. Jay enjoyed being in control in the bedroom and it meant the world that Erin trusted him and willingly let him drive here, but this, Erin being bold and confident in her ability to seduce him, this was a huge turn on.

"Off,"'she commanded tugging on his shirt.

Jay sat up slightly and pulled his shirt up over his head as directed. Erin took it and threw it on the ground on top of hers. Jay couldn't help himself and placed a firm kiss in her lips. He teased her lips until she opened her mouth, allowing their tongues to dance. Abruptly she pushed him back down on the bed.

"No, no way, you're not gonna distract me this time," Erin backed up slightly and undid the buckle of his belt, snapped open the button on his jeans and slid the zipper down, being sure to apply teasing pressure in the right places.

"Now these, take them off."

Jay obliged then lay back on the bed with his hands above his head. Erin bit her lip and tapped her finger on her chin pretending to decide what she should do next. Truthfully she was just buying herself some more time to stare at her incredible man.

Jay splayed his hands across her thighs and stroked them up and down letting his thumbs circle her inner thighs. Goose bumps rose up on her body again, her eyes closed involuntary and her head fell back as warmth spread through her. His touch was so distracting when they were like this. She moaned softly as his hands teased higher up her legs. He sat up slowly and again kissed her lips.

Erin felt drunk, her head spun as her hands explored the contours of his chest and shoulders. Jay lifted her up slightly and tugged on her pants. Erin complied, helping him remove them quickly and coming back to startle his legs. He pulled her body tight against him as he began kissing and nibbling down her neck, his hands continuing their exploration, slipping under the black lace hem of her panties.

"Jay," she breathed out.

"Hmmm," he answered, too drunk on the smell of her perfume and softens of her skin to offer more.

"We didn't finish the game," she whispered hoarsely.

"Later," he replied.

Jay slid one arm around her waist and the other cradled her head. He lifted her up and twisted, moving her to lay underneath him.

"Something else I wanna play now," he hummed as he undid the clasp holding her bra closed.

  
///

Erin returned in her favourite pjs with some pillows. Jay shifted and cleared his throat. That memory had heated quickly.

"You're back," he croaked out.

"Yeah, you think two pillows are enough?" She asked.

Jay nodded and Erin helped him find a more comfortable position. She'd paused in her pillow fluffing to place gentle kisses on his lips. Jay had quickly deepened the kiss, reaching up to grip her hip and hold Erin in place, Christmas tree memories still fresh in his head. Erin's hand came up to absentmindedly play with the hair at the nape of his neck. Now this kind of fussing he didn't mind. Not one bit.

All too soon Erin broke the kiss and pulled back to look at him.

"You sure you're not hungry or wouldn't be more comfortable in the bed?"

"Nah babe, I can't sleep at this hour, I'm good. I'm just gonna turn the tv on. Why don't you go though. You gotta be exhausted. You've been up for almost twenty four hours." He said, brushing her hair from her face.

Erin shook her head no. "Hank said to take the day as an on call so I can sleep later. I'd rather hang out here with you if that's okay?"

Jay smiled and nodded. He didn't mind one bit.

Neither was willing to put into words the scare they'd had tonight. Putting themselves in dangerous situations was their job. They were both the first through the door kind of cops. They knew and accepted this about each other, hell they backed each other up while doing it. They had made no room in their relationship for dramatic moments of emotional debriefing and tears over what could have happened on the job. They couldn't be effective partners if they acted like distraught lovers every time a shot was fired.

But if they snuggled a little closer on nights like tonight, each one more reluctant than usual to leave the others side, each one taking comfort in the warmth of the others body pressed against them, the feel of steady breathing and strong heart beats wrapped beneath arms, if their kisses were a little more urgent, if their eyes held and silently whispered I love you every so often, if they intertwined their fingers and drew soft circles on the others palm, reminding each other that they'd promised to protect, love and always be there for each other, then they could get back up tomorrow and break down another door trusting they would each come home safe, together.

Erin carefully snuggled deeper into Jay's side, covered herself with the blanket they kept draped across the back of the couch, and passed Jay the tv remote. About ten minutes later the were both sound asleep.

 

 

 

 


	54. Chalter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a little while since I expressed my appreciation to you all. First I want to thank you for sticking with me even though real life prevents me from updating as often as I'd like to. Second, and I know I've said it before, the countless reviews and messages of encouragement and support mean so much to me. You guys really know how to lift a girl up!! Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me your thoughts with each chapter. I love reading all your notes and reactions to what I've written. I can't believe I've been writing for a year now! Here's hoping you stick with me through the many chapters I have left to share! 
> 
> Oh and Happy New Year!

 

Erin had a bit of a battle getting Jay to lay around the house and rest through the weekend. Neither of them were good at sitting still for very long. He'd gone with her Friday, Saturday and Sunday when she'd run errands and visited Lily.

Erin was disappointed each day when Lily looked just as pale and didn't seem to have any more energy then the day before. She feared the medication wasn't helping her and they'd have to proceed with the transplant. Lily was a trooper though. She didn't complain about being in the hospital and not allowed to leave the bed.

After checking with the nurse Erin had brought Lily a pretty and comfortable nighty to wear instead of the hospital gown, since it was clear she wasn't going to be allowed out of bed and couldn't use the pyjamas Erin had given her any time soon.

While Erin had been picking out the nighty Jay had wandered off in the store. She finally found him in the toy department, a stuffed animal in either hand. He was looking back and forth between them.

"What are you doing?" she laughed at him.

"Do you think she'd like the rabbit or the bear better?" Jay asked, holding them up to her.

Erin smiled. She couldn't believe how Lily had got into both their hearts so quickly. Jay was much better at maintaining professional distance but watching him now made her worry they were getting in too deep. Were they setting her up with false hope about them? Erin planned on keeping in contact with her once she was out of the hospital, much like she did with Amy, but Amy was older with a better understanding of what Erin's role was in her life and she didn't go to see her every day.

"It just bugs me that's she's all alone in the hospital. She so tiny." Jay said, interrupting her thought. "If she had someone else visiting her, if we could find her family or even if she had a good foster family already I'd feel better about it." He reasoned.

Erin nodded. It was the same for her. She couldn't handle the idea of Lily being alone. Yes the nurses were great but it wasn't the same. And they couldn't spend a lot of time with her with how busy the hospital was. Lily needed someone who was just there for her.

"The rabbit," Erin finally said.

Jay looked back and forth between the two toys again then shrugged his shoulders. "I'll just get both."

Erin laughed, "come on then freckles let's get out of here."

Jay cut her an unimpressed look. "You think you're getting away with calling me that because I'm too stiff and sore to do anything about it but I'll be good in a couple days, and I'll remember," he threatened teasingly.

Erin laughed but didn't respond. She liked the way he'd been getting back at her for teasing him lately.

"And I really need to beat the shit out of Will for flapping his mouth to you so much," he muttered to himself.

Lily had lit up for a few moments when Jay gave her the bear and rabbit. But the excitement over new things to cuddle and new friends for her little Maddy tired her out quickly. She drifted off while Jay and Erin were still there. They sat for awhile and watched her sleep.

When the nurse made her rounds she asked Erin if there was any news on Lily's family. Unfortunately Erin had nothing to report. With no birth date to start with the list of unsolved infants reported missing was long and taking more hours to sort through then she and Mouse had with the rest of their case load. They were hopeful putting Lily's DNA in the system would provide them with a lead.

"She's such a sweet little girl, we've all become so attached to her," the nurse whispered as she replaced Lily's empty iv bag with a fresh one. "It's sad to think she'll have no one for Christmas this weekend."

Erin smiled sadly. She appreciated how amazing the hospital staff had been with Lily but she also felt for the little girl. Jay and Erin exchanged a glance. They'd no intention of letting Lily spend Christmas alone. They were on call for the holiday but both knew they'd end up here in their down time. Erin had already tried to figure out what Lily knew of the holiday and what she'd like to get for a present.

On Monday morning Erin got the call she'd been expecting but dreading. Lily's test results indicated she wasn't responding to the current line of treatment and the doctors wanted to proceed with the transplant. They wanted to schedule Erin in for the procedure later this week. After agreeing Erin hung up and let out a big sigh. Jay had been listening to her call from across the bullpen. Although still a bit sore, he'd downplayed the pain to the doctor and been medically cleared for duty this morning.

"Hospital?" He asked.

"Yeah," Erin paused, "they want to go ahead with the transplant."

Jay's heart sank. Although he was glad Erin was a match, he'd hoped it wouldn't be necessary both because he wanted Lily to get better on her own and because he knew the procedure would be painful for Erin.

"When?"

"Wednesday. I have to go clear everything with Hank," she said getting up and knocking on Hank's office door. Jay nodded, silently rearranging his plans for their Christmas celebrations in his head, knowing Erin wouldn't be up for much after the pain of the procedure.

At his short call to enter she opened the door and closed it carefully behind her. He looked up from his paperwork and watched as she took a seat and fiddled with her fingers. All these years and she still felt like a delinquent every time she had to ask him for something. She knew he worried about her getting too attached to Lily and now she needed to ask for time off to help her even more.

"Out with it kid," Hank commanded, having little patience today for games.

"The hospital called," she began. "Lily isn't responding to the treatment and they need to do the bone marrow transplant. I'm the only match they have." She said, trying to sound all business.

"When," he asked flatly.

"Wednesday, but the doctor said to expect to be off work for a week to recover," she hedged.

Hank sighed and sat back in his chair. "Not a great time to be down a detective."

Erin tamped down her anger. How could he be so heartless? Instead she tried to sound complacent. "I know, I'm sorry but the doctor said we can't wait longer."

Hank stared at her for a long minute. "I'm glad she's gonna get the help she needs, don't get me wrong. But I worry about you Erin. You're already in too deep with this girl."

Erin decided it was best not to respond. She gave a slight of nod and waited for the words she needed to hear.

"Obviously the time off is approved. Just be careful here Erin. I need your head in the game." Hank held Erin's gaze for a long time. Underneath her automatic stubborn defiant response she knew he was right and only expressing his father like concern for her. She'd had the same concerns, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him he was right.

"Thank you," she said, quietly getting up.

"Erin," Hank called as she was exiting. Erin turned to face him. "I'm proud of you for stepping up. It's not an easy thing to do." He smiled softly at her. Erin offered a small smile back, his approval always made her feel good. She nodded her thanks and headed back to her desk.

Taking her seat she met Jay's expectant gaze. "All set."

Jay nodded his understanding and they both dove back into work.

Over the next few days Erin worked long hours trying to prepare for her time off. Hank had okayed her to leave some of the paper work to do while she recovered but she still had a long list on her desk as well as Christmas shopping to take care of. With the cases she's been working she didn't have time to go see Lily again before the procedure Wednesday but she'd called her both Monday and Tuesday night. The doctors had explained to Lily what was going to happen. Lily only understood that they were going to take something out of Erin's body then feed it through the iv tube in her arm to help her get better.

"Will it hurt you?" Lily had asked over the phone.

"Not much sweetie, I'll be just fine." Erin reassured her.

"Okay," Lily had replied sleepily.

"I'll come see you in the morning before I see the doctor okay?" Erin tried to be cheerful.

"Okay," she replied more enthusiastically.

"You get some rest now and give Maddy a big squeeze for me," Erin said her goodbyes and hung up the phone.

"How is she?" Jay asked coming to sit beside Erin on the couch Tuesday evening when Erin hung up.

"About the same I guess," Erin shrugged.

"You should get some rest. Tomorrow's a big day."

Erin shook her head, "I can rest all week, besides I want to finish wrapping Lily's gift before I go to bed." She said as she continued wrapping the gifts she'd set in the coffee table.

"You all set for tomorrow?" Jay asked, knowing there was no sense in arguing with her.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be a one day thing but the preop nurse said they are gonna keep me overnight since I don't always do well with anesthesia. I was hoping they'd decide not to put me under but no luck."

"I talked to Hank, since you should be out of surgery and in recovery in a couple hours he said I could take the morning and be there when you woke up," Jay offered.

Erin smiled. "I scared the shit out of him and Camille when I woke up after having my tonsils taken out. I'm not surprised he's letting you stay."

Jay nodded. He didn't want to mention what had happened when she woke up from her car accident. He reached over and rubbed her back, "you nervous?"

"About the procedure? No, not really, I just hope it works." She said, leaning into him.

Jay nodded, "me too."

Jay kissed her head and wrapped his arm around her. They sat in silence for a bit not wanting to put their fears into words.

"Come on," Erin announced, forcing some cheer into her voice and squeezing Jay's leg, "lets go to bed."

"Thought you weren't ready for bed," he chuckled.

"I'm not, but it could be the new year before I'm feeling good and I have a little Christmas present in there for you," she said suggestively, thumbing towards the bedroom.

Jay involuntarily licked his lips and blinked hard. He stood up and pulled Erin to her feet. Then tugged her towards the bedroom without saying a word. Erin laughed as she let him lead her to their room.

//

A big yawn escaped her lips.

"Keeping you awake are we?" The nurse chuckled.

"Sorry," Erin blushed. She'd stayed up a little later than expected last night letting Jay enjoy unwrapping the red lacy gift she'd put on for him. She forced the telling smile from her lips and focused back on the nurse's questions.

"So no known allergies to any medications?" The nurse said checking over Erin's file.

"No, but you have the notes about my reaction to anesthesia and that I don't want any pain meds right?" Erin clarified.

"Yup, all here. It's why we're gonna go ahead and keep you overnight. Make sure you fully recover from the anesthesia. Okay everything else looks good. Let's get you changed and hooked up to the iv and heart monitors. Put this on and I'll be back in a few." The nurse instructed, handing Erin a hospital gown.

Erin hopped off the gurney and started to change. Her mind drifted back to her early morning visit with Lily. They had moved her to a different room, apparently one they could better contain her from germs and viruses in, standard procedure with bone marrow transplant patients they'd said. They'd had to wash up and don masks before entering. Lily didn't like the masks and was frightened at first until she heard Erin speak. She and Jay had visited for a few minutes but Lily could barely keep her eyes open. Jay promised Erin he'd peak in on her later.

A few minutes after Erin had changed into the gown and sat back upon the gurney the nurse returned with the anesthesiologist and doctor in tow. Dr. Fletcher, who Erin had met with last week during her screening, greeted Erin.

"So any questions before we begin?" He asked.

Erin was momentarily distracted by the prick of the iv line being inserted into her hand. "Umm, no I don't think so. Everyone's been pretty clear about how this works."

"Okay good. It won't take us long and you should be awake within a couple hours." He said flipping through Erin's file. "You've declined pain medication? Are you sure? There can be quite a bit of discomfort once the freezing wears off."

"Yes I'm sure," Erin said with confidence. The nurse finished taping the last of Erin's heart monitors on her chest.

The doctor nodded, "Lily's a lucky girl we were able to find a familial match for her."

"I'm sorry what?" Erin asked, confused. What was he talking about? Had they mixed up her file with someone else's?

"Yes, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a good match outside of the patients family. You're a pretty close match so her body is more likely to accept the transfusion."

"But, I'm not family," Erin's head was pounding. What was he talking about? They must have made some kind of mistake, mixed up the files and Erin wasn't a match after all. _Oh god,_ Erin thought, despair filling her, _Lily's not going to get her transfusion._

"That's not what this DNA report tells me. Says here your a familial match. Look," the doctor said turning the report towards Erin. "See these markers here, and here? Indicated a familial match."

Erin had no idea what she was staring at. The doctors words weren't making any sense to her. She must have looked as confused as she felt because Dr. Fletcher continued.

"Did you not know you were related?" The doctor asked cautiously. Erin shook her head no. "And my office didn't explain all this to you Monday when they called?"  
Again she shook her head no. Dr fletcher sighed and rubbed his temples. "You have my apologies dear. According to this report it appears you are Lily's aunt."

"Are you sure there hasn't been some kind of mix up?" Erin asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," Erin could only stare at the doctor completely dumbfounded. "I'm sorry, Erin it's obviously a lot for you to process but we really need to get started with the procedure if you are still willing?"

Erin nodded, still unable to process what she'd just learned. She felt the nurse's hands come up to guide her down onto her tummy. The anesthesiologist began speaking to her above her head but she couldn't make out his words. All she could hear was Dr. Fletcher's revelation repeating in her head. "You are Lily's aunt" But what did that mean? Who were Lily's parents? She tried desperately to focus her thoughts but everything became more muddled as sleep took over her.

 

 


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie or pretend to have any chill about it... the last couple weeks my personal life has been full of stress and heartbreak and reading all the reviews and private messages after posting the last chapter, well they made me feel pretty damn good. I'm incredibly grateful for all your kind words, they've given me the little boost I needed to dust myself off and get back to it. Thank you!

Erin could here male voices talking somewhere above her. They were low and she strained to make out their words. Nothing. She wasn't even sure they were speaking English. This thought made her heart quicken. Where was she? She tried to lift her arms but they wouldn't move. She tried to move her legs but... they weren't there!

She couldn't feel them.

 At all.

Panic set in. What had happened to her?

"Erin," she heard her name. She tried to speak but nothing came out. "Babe, it's okay. I'm here."

Jay. That was Jay's voice. She was sure if it.

"You're at Med. You're just waking up from the bone marrow procedure, remember?"

Erin tried to remember what Jay was talking about. But the fact that she couldn't feel her legs was freaking her out. Her arms finally cooperated a bit and she fumbled around trying to feel her legs. Hands came out to grasp hers. She still couldn't open her eyes but she could tell by the feel they were Jay's hands.

"She probably can't feel her legs yet," she heard the other voice say. "It's okay Erin, the freezing hasn't worn off yet. It's not unusual for your legs to go numb. It will wear off soon."

Will. That was Will's voice. She took some comfort in knowing he was there too. The idea of strangers staring at her like this made her uncomfortable.

"Take some slow breaths Erin," Jay coaxed. "You're okay. It's just the anesthesia messing with you," he said. She felt his warm fingers brush against her cheek and forehead. "I'm here. Everything's okay."

Erin slowed her breathing and concentrated on opening her eyes. The room spun a little then settled. She focused on the figure standing at the foot of her bed.

"Hey Princess!" Will gifted her with his most charming smile. She was too disoriented to let his tease bother her.

"Stop," Jay cautioned him quietly. Will just chuckled.

Erin turned her head towards the sound of Jay's voice.

"Hey," he said softly, giving her a gentle smile.

"Hey," she managed to whisper.

"How you doing?" He asked. She could feel his thumb rubbing over her knuckles.

"Okay I think. Can I... can I have some water?"

"I'll grab it," Will offered.

"Not feeling too sick? Dr. Fletcher said they gave you some anti nausea meds when they brought you to recovery."

"No, actually. Not too bad," Erin replied. The fog was starting to lift now and she felt more in control of her body. She was relieved she could feel her toes now that she had a better grasp on reality but her legs had a strange tingling sensation. She rubbed her hands along them. "It feels weird," she said.

"It will for a little bit," Will agreed, bringing her some water. She lifted her head and he tipped the straw for her to sip from. Erin whispered her thanks. "It shouldn't be too long before the tingling goes away but when it does the pain will set in. You'll probably want to shift to your side then. The nurses will get you some pillows for your knees. It will help to keep your back aligned for the next couple hours. Then you should be able to get up and move around a bit."

Erin only nodded her acknowledgement. She lay there quietly trying to orientate herself. As her head cleared Erin remember the conversation she had with Dr. Fletcher right before they put her under. She was Lily's aunt. She still couldn't wrap her head around it.

"Hey, where'd you go," Jay probed, squeezing her hand.

Erin focused back on Jay's concerned face. She wanted to tell him but she couldn't get the words to come out. Her mind raced trying to piece together how Lily could be her family. She needed to talk to the doctor more about the DNA results. She needed to be sure he was right. Then she would talk to Jay.

"Just tired," she said. It wasn't a lie really. She was still pretty groggy.

"You got no where to be Erin. Just rest. I have to get back to the ED, I just popped up to see how everything went, but I'll come check and see if you need anything later okay?" Will said, heading to the door. "I'm sure Dr. Fletcher will be by shortly to touch base with you too but he said everything was text book."

"Yeah, thanks," she smiled. Jay nodded his thanks to his brother and watched him leave before turning back to examine Erin.

"What?" She asked, self consciously.

"You sure you're okay?" He asked, scepticism in his voice.

"Yeah why?"

"You let him live after he called you princess!" Jay exclaimed, disbelievingly.

Erin smiled. "Had too, he's not gonna tell me anymore good stories about you if I beat him up." She teased.

Jay scowled. "Maybe I'll do it for you next time," he grumbled.

This made Erin laugh a little. Seeing a real smile on her face made Jay relax. He couldn't stay much longer so he was glad to see she was coming out of the anesthesia much better this time, although she seemed distracted.

Once Erin was moved from recovery and settled into her room for her overnight stay Jay reluctantly left for work, promising to be back in the evening.

Shortly after, Dr. Fletcher made his rounds. He was happy with how smoothly the procedure went and how good her incision sights looked. Erin felt awkward trying to talk to him while laying on her side but Will had been right about it being a much more comfortable position. She asked about Lily, relieved to hear she wasn't any worse. The doctor confirmed the cells they harvested from Erin would be ready for transfusion in a day or so. Erin asked more about the DNA report. He remained confident there had been no mix up with the paperwork.

"I don't have much more to tell you. Our tests focus on how well a patient and donor match. We need a high match percentage to consider a donor viable. You met the criteria. If you want more information you're going to have to do some genetic testing. But perhaps the best place to start is with a conversation with any siblings you may have."

Erin thanked the doctor and he left to continue his rounds.

_Lily is my niece_ , Erin found herself repeating over and over in her head. She had so many questions but her resolve to help Lily deepened. She was family, somehow. Erin wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. All caution about becoming too attached and involved went out the window. This tiny child was connected to her and Erin would do everything in her power to make sure she came through this okay.

After mulling the doctors words over Erin reached for her phone. It wasn't going to be an easy conversation but it was the only starting point she had.

"Hey Erin," he answered cheerfully.

"Hey Teddy, how are you?" Erin replied.

"Good, just getting some stuff done before I head into work this afternoon."

The new restaurant he'd told her about had finally opened about a month ago. She and Jay had gone to the grand opening and had been back a few times to eat. The food was amazing and watching her brother interact with customers with confidence made her so proud. Teddy and two of the other employees had found a decent apartment to split rent on and he seemed to be settling into Chicago well. She dreaded what she needed to ask him.

"Do you think you have time to stop by Med on your way in?" She hedged.

"Yeah, why? What's wrong? Did you get hurt?" He asked, his pitch raising in concern.

"No, no just an outpatient procedure but there's something I need to talk to you about." She tried to keep her tone light.

"Ok, I'll be there soon," he agreed.

Erin gave him her room number and hung up. She spent the time waiting for him to arrive trying to figure out how to ask him if he was Lily's father. Nothing else seemed to make sense to her.

He came in quietly. She'd fallen back asleep waiting for him. The touch of his cool hand on her forearm woke her with a start. She quickly recovered seeing it was Teddy.

"Sorry," he apologized.

"No, it's okay. Have a seat," she offered. Teddy pulled the chair over and sat beside her.

"Are you okay?" He asked looking her up and down.

"Yeah, I donated some bone marrow this morning. I'm good. Just a few days of pain but it will be worth it." She said dismissively.

Teddy nodded. An awkward silence filled the room as Teddy waited for Erin to tell him why she'd summoned him.

"Teddy there's no easy way to bring this up so I'm just gonna say it." She finally started. "Last week we executed a bust and we found a little girl. She's about five."

"Oh god Erin please don't drop some horrid story about how she was abused on me," Teddy pleaded.

"No, Teddy that's not where I'm going with this. Although she hasn't had it easy. But we found out she doesn't belong to the people we were there for. We think she was kidnapped or stolen in some sort of underground adoption. Anyway she's sick, real sick. She needs a bore marrow transplant and I'm a match." Erin continued.

"That's why you're laid up like this." Teddy deducted.

"Yeah. I had the procedure done this morning." Erin confirmed.

"Well good for you. My big sister, ever the hero," he said, a mix of admiration and sarcasm in his voice. Erin knew it was a defence mechanism that kicked in the second she brought up kids being hurt. She knew it was a trigger topic for him. She hoped all the work he'd done to cope with his history wasn't going to be undone by this conversation, by her.

"Teddy," Erin pleaded.

"What does this have to do with me?" He asked flatly.

"When they did the testing they found out she and I, Lily, her name is Lily. Anyway they found out Lily and I are related. Apparently I'm her aunt." She paused letting this news sink in. Teddy's head shot up.

"You think I'm the father?" he blurted out his voice pitching high at the end as his anxiety mounted. "No, Erin. No, no, no I can't be someone's father."

"Teddy.."

"No, what about Bunny or your father? Huh surely they have other kids. Come on the way Bunny gets around? She disappears so often and for so long she could have easily had another kid. It's not me. No way. No way can I be someone's dad. Look at me?" Teddy abruptly stood and began pacing the floor.

"Teddy please, I don't know anything. I just know that if you had a DNA test..." Erin tried to cam him.

"No, absolutely not," He cut her off.

"Teddy please. It could help us find out what happened to her, how she ended up with these people. Maybe find her mom," Erin hoped focusing on the girl rather than his potential paternity would help.

Teddy closed then opened his eyes. "Erin I can't. Do you know what you're asking me? Do you remember where I was five years ago? I just started getting my life back together. I can't think about that stuff again. I can't have a child in my life. Do you know what it means if I am her father? How she was conceived? Her mother probably gave her up! Think of the kid. She doesn't need to know that. I can't, do you know what people with my history do to ki..." he trails off.

"Teddy you would never hurt someone." She tried to reassure him. "And I'm not asking you to be someone's dad." Erin said, gently. "I get it. I do. I'm just asking you to help me help this little girl."

Teddy sat back down quietly for a moment longer before standing again, regret clouding his features for a moment before he erased all emotion from his face. His voice empty and distant when he finally responded. "I'm sorry Erin. I can't help you with this. I need to get to work." He walked towards the door and quietly let himself out.

Erin closed her eyes. She felt helpless not being able to go after him. It had been a bad move calling Teddy. She just hoped her request didn't send him spiralling to a bad place.

 

 


	56. Chapter 56

Erin tried calling Teddy later in the day but her call went straight to voice mail. She left a message apologizing for upsetting him and asked him to call and let her know he was okay. She felt horrible for bringing it up to him. He'd been so upset. She just hoped he wouldn't do anything to hurt the progress he'd made.

She'd also made arrangements to have a more in depth DNA test done for her and Lily. She didn't know how Teddy couldn't be Lily's father but it was clear he wasn't ready to help her figure out who Lily's mother was and she had to respect that. She also knew Teddy might be right about Lily's mother giving her up, given how Lily might have been conceived. But with Christopher James involvement something felt off to Erin. Erin needed answers. She would have to tread lightly but she needed to know where Lily came from.

Will popped in quickly, with a cup of tea and bagel for her, as promised. Although she hadn't been outright sick this time, the anesthesia left her feeling nauseous so she was grateful Will was thoughtful enough to grab the tea and bagel for her.

She was starting to feel at ease around him. Since she and Jay moved in Will occasionally came over to watch sports on their big screen tv, drink beer and eat pizza with his brother. At first she'd felt the need to disappear and give them guy time, knowing they were trying to rebuild their relationship, but both boys had quickly put an end to that and made sure she felt welcome to hang out whenever she wasn't busy with something else. Sometimes she made plans to hang out with her girlfriends instead, sometimes she'd flop down in between them on the couch and help Will gang up on Jay.

"Freckles managed to tear himself away from you?" Will teased, after checking how Erin was feeling.

"Had to if he planned on keeping his job," Erin laughed. "Think he's coming back later if work allows."

"Well I'm here till morning if you need anything. Just call down to Maggie, she'll find me." He offered as he was getting ready to leave.

"Thanks," she waved as he headed back down to the ED.

When Jay arrived later that evening Erin was shuffling out of the bathroom. She'd been able to change out of the hospital gown since she was doing well and only staying overnight as a precaution. But they hadn't been kidding about the pain. She felt like someone had repeatedly punched her across the back.

"Hey, need some help," he asked, coming to her side.

She didn't answer, gritting through the pain instead, but put her arm on his to help steady herself as she walked.

With Jay's help, Erin sat on the edge of the bed, letting the pain subside.

"Thanks," she said once she could talk.

"That bad?" He asked concerned.

"Apparently," she laughed sarcastically. "It's only a couple days and if it helps Lily I'd go through worse," Erin said.

Jay nodded his understanding. "Do you want help laying down?"

"Not yet. Actually there's something I need to tell you." She said. She couldn't keep it in any longer. She needed to talk everything that happened today over with him.

"Ok," Jay cocked his eyebrow in curiousity and came to sit beside her. When she didn't begin talking right away he became more concerned and shifted a bit closer to her.

"Hey," he nudged her. "Just tell me."

Erin nodded and began. "So this morning, right before they put me under Dr. Fletcher mentioned something to me. And at first I though there was some mix up and it was so sudden and then I was put under," she rambled, out of character for her. "Anyway I wanted to speak to him again to be sure before I talked to you and he's certain."

Jay's mind jumped ahead to try and figure out what she was about to tell him. Was she sick? Surely they wouldn't be able to use her bone marrow if she was? Was she pregnant? His heart skipped a beat, they were really careful about that. Erin wasn't going to handle this well if that's what it was. He was sure she still saw herself too much like Bunny in some ways and would think she'd be a bad mom. He'd have to push aside his own doubts about his ability to parent and help her see she'd be the best mom. It was a little soon, but he'd make sure she knew she could count on him.

"Lily's my niece," Erin interrupted his thoughts.

Silence filled the room as she let Jay process her words. The minutes passed and Erin became nervous. _What if this was too much for him_ , she had so much fucking baggage. _What if this was the thing that finally made it all to much for him,_ Erin worried.

The tires squeeled in Jay's mind as he made the sharp right turn in thought process. A mixture of relief and oddly disappointment washed over him learning she wasn't pregnant. He didn't want to give that last emotion too much acknowledgement. 

Erin was Lily's aunt. _Of course she is_ , he thought. He'd had a sense all along that he knew this child some how but couldn't place her. It made sense now. Lily reminded him of Erin.

"Her eyes," he finally said.

"What?" Erin asked. He'd been quiet so long she didn't know what he meant.

"You have the same eyes. It makes sense now." He said, smiling. "I couldn't figure it out, why she got under my skin so quick. The way she looked at me, looked into me actually. It's the same way you do." Jay looked up at Erin. "And that little sad smile, where just the corner of your lip turns up, she does that too."

Jay wrapped his arm around Erin and gently pulled her into his side. He knew that Erin would do whatever she could now to keep Lily safe. She'd come close to crossing the line already but now that they knew she was family, all bets were off.

"Well Voight can screw his 'you're getting too involved' crap with us now. She's family. We're gonna help her, whatever it takes." He assured her.

He didn't want Erin to feel alone in this. If Lily was Erin's family she was important to him too. He felt a bit relieved actually. He fought his feelings for this child, chastised himself for getting to invested in her. She was supposed to be a bystander in their case. Now he didn't have to fight it anymore. She was family.

Erin's body relaxed at his words. This man never seated to amaze her with his support.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Umm hmm," he mumbled, as he kissed her head. "How are you doing with all this?"

Erin let out a long breath. "It took me a bit to process. I still have so many questions. We need to find out who her mom is and how those monsters got their hands on Lily."

"Where do you want to go with this? Do you want to talk to Teddy?" He asked switching into detective mode. He agreed. They needed to find out who they were dealing with.

"I called him earlier. He came by." She said, half apologetically. She suddenly felt bad for not talking to Jay first but he was at work and as usual she just acted on her instincts.

"How did that go?" he asked, squashing the sting of knowing she'd not come to him first. In fairness she was still kind of out of it when he left for work, he reminded himself, and he hadn't exactly been accessible to her all day. It wasn't like Erin to sit on her hands so he wasn't surprised she'd called Teddy.

"Not well. Jay I think I may have fucked things up for him," She said, sadness filling her voice. "He was really upset and he rushed off to the restaurant and won't return my calls. I should have waited. I just felt helpless laying here and I figured it would give me some answers. Instead I triggered some pretty bad stuff for Teddy. I know better. I shouldn't have dropped this on him. I'm worried he'll do something stupid and it's on me if he does."

"I'll pop over to the restaurant and make sure he's okay," Jay reassured her.

Erin looked up at him with gratitude.

"How about I help you upstairs for a visit with Lily and I'll go see Teddy now?" He asked. The sooner he could ease Erin's sense of guilt the better he'd feel.

Erin nodded. "Have I mentioned lately that I love you and you're the best?"

"I am aren't I," Jay laughed.

Erin swatted him playfully.

"I love you too Erin. We'll get it all figured out. Whatever it takes." He assured her again.

"I ordered some more in depth genetic testing. Teddy doesn't want to do a DNA test. I was hoping we could learn more from the tests and maybe use it to help us find her mom." Erin offered.

"We should tell Mouse to focus in on the New York area, that's where Teddy was five years ago, right?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea. But also Teddy brought up a good point. It's possible the mom gave the baby up willingly, given, umm the circumstances."

Jay nodded. They were treading on delicate territory here. Once they located Lily's mom they'd have to go about making contact carefully.

"Part of me thinks we should stop looking," Erin thought out loud.

"Is that what you want to do?" Jay weighed the legal ramifications of not finding Lily's biological mother.

"No, I can't. I need all the prices to fit together. Plus Lily doesn't need any more surprises. We need to get out ahead of this. I owe it to her to find out now. But..."

"We'll protect her Erin. Whatever we find, we won't let it hurt her." He knew Erin was thinking of her own messed up childhood and drawing parallels. He couldn't blame her. Teddy wasn't ready to accept his paternity and it was likely Lily's mother might also reject her. It was on them to make sure Lily felt safe and wanted.

Erin nodded again.

"Are you going to tell her tonight?"

"No. I want to talk to Clara and maybe the psychologist. I don't want to do this the wrong way." Erin confessed. She though about it all day. She really didn't know what the best way to tell Lily was. She already had so much on her plate Erin's didn't know if this news would add to the confusion.

"Makes sense," Jay answered, helping Erin up.

Lily was asleep when they got to her room. Jay made sure Erin was settled in the chair beside her bed then left to check on Teddy.

//

Jay welcomed the blast of warm air as he stepped into the restaurant. The matradee smiled and greeted him and was about to ask him how many in his party when Teddy approached, interrupting.

"She send you to change my mimd?" He asked bitterly, waving Jay off to the room where the staff kept their personal things so they could speak more privately.

"No," Jay answered, looking him straight in the eye. "She's worried she upset you. You didn't return her call."

"Would you?" He asked, sarcastically.

"Probably not. But that doesn't mean she isn't worried." Jay conceded.

"So she sent you. Such a good boyfriend," his tease was meant as a jab but Jay let it go. He could understand where Teddy was coming from. Letting Teddy push his buttons wouldn't help anyone.

"She'd be here herself if she could. You know that." He replied sincerely.

Teddy stared Jay down. Jay was sure Teddy wanted to make Jay feel uncomfortable but Jay didn't back down this time. He'd promised Erin he'd make sure Teddy was okay and he wasn't leaving until he had his answer.

"Tell her I'm fine. She won't be getting a call about me being found dead in a dark alley tonight," Teddy bit out.

"Teddy," Jay balked at the audaciousness of Teddy's words.

"I'll have to excuse myself now Detective Halstead. My patrons need attending to." Teddy dismissed him.

Jay sighed watching Teddy walk back into the restaurant. He stood for a moment looking around the room wondering what he should do next. His eyes settled on the locker baring Teddy's name. He only hesitated a moment before acting on his impulse.

As Jay left disappointment set in. Whatever headway he'd made in recent months trying to get Teddy to feel comfortable around him was gone now. He wasn't going to be able to give Erin an overly encouraging report on her brother. He'd have to check in on him again tomorrow. The last thing Jay wanted was for Erin to burry herself in blame again.

///

Erin watched Lily sleep. After a few minutes she slipped her hand under Lily's hand and stared at it. Her tiny pale fingers were cool on Erin's palm. She couldn't help but think how bad news seemed to follow her family. They'd had the same rotten start in life, her and Lily. Not a legacy she wanted to pass on. But somehow Erin had to ensure Lily ended up in a good place. She didn't need Lily to carry a load like hers or worse, Teddy's. She had to make sure Lily had good people raising her. She had to keep her away from their family's curse. Erin hoped Lily's mother could do that. Now they just had to find her.

 


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience and support while I struggle this past while. I so appreciate all the love and feedback and can't tell you how much it's helped.

She'd been discharged. Erin packed her overnight bag as quickly as her sore body would allow, half scared they'd change their minds and would want to readmit her. She hadn't slept much last night between the pain and her racing mind but she had the next several days off to recoup.

As anxious as she was to be discharged she had no plans on leaving the hospital since she'd decided to spend the day hanging out with Lily. Earlier this morning she'd contacted Clara and Lily's psychologist to tell them about Erin's relationship to Lily. They made a plan to meet in the psychologist office this morning before Erin saw Lily.

Erin was having one last look around the room to make sure she didn't forget anything when a figure in the doorway caught her eye.

"Teddy!" Erin exclaimed, both relieved and surprised to see him.

"Hey," he greeted her solemnly. "Got a minute?"

"Of course I'm glad you're here I tried to call and apologize ..."

"Stop," Teddy interrupted her. "Let's just skip that part."

Erin closed her mouth, not quite sure how to respond to her little brother. It was obvious he was still pretty upset by everything she'd dropped on him last night.

Teddy came further in the room. "They letting you out?" He asked more gently.

Erin nodded.

"How you feeling?" He asked. Erin got the sense Teddy was uncomfortable and stalling the real reason he'd come to see her.

Erin shrugged. "Sore but it shouldn't last long."

"You going to see her before you leave?" Teddy asked, referring to Lily.

"Yeah, I was going to spend some time with her today." Erin acknowledged.

Teddy looked past Erin out the window and didn't respond. He seemed so conflicted. Erin wanted to reach out to him and take away the obvious turmoil she'd brought on him by telling him about Lily but she couldn't.

"Did you need me for something today? I can change my plans," Erin prompted, hoping to get Teddy talking.

"No," he replied abruptly. "I just came to tell you I changed my mind. You can run the test."

Erin's eyes went wide, "Ted..."

"Don't."," He said forcefully. "Don't make more of this than it is." He sighed then looked back out the window not able to meet his sister's eyes.

Erin waited, knowing he had more to say.

"She deserves to know where she comes from but," Teddy paused. Again Erin wished there was some way to make this easier for him. "But I can't offer her more than that," he said. The look of regret on his face broke Erin's heart.

"It's okay Teddy I get it." And she did, kind of. She understood the trauma he'd been though. But she knew he was a good person and she hoped at some point he'd feel capable of more. But Erin would make sure Lily knew she was wanted and loved and had good people raising her until then.

"So how do I do this?" He said, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"I'll call Jay, it's just a quick cheek swab. He can do it and send it to the lab." Erin said, thinking Teddy would feel more comfortable that way.

He gave a slight nod, "Does she know?"

Erin didn't miss that he wouldn't say Lily's name. She tried to put herself in his shoes. How difficult it would be finding out you potentially fathered a child under the circumstance he was in. But she also knew she had to do what was best for Lily.

"Not yet. I'm meeting with her worker today to figure out the best way to tell her I'm her aunt."

"Don't tell her about me. Not yet," Teddy said gruffly.

"Okay," Erin agreed. She hadn't planned on tackling that yet. She wanted the official word that Teddy was Lily's father and she didn't see how it would be helpful telling Lily who her dad was but that he didn't want to see her. "What are you doing for Christmas?" Erin asked, changing the subject.

Teddy smiled sardonically, "you want to have a family reunion," he laughed bitterly.

"No," she admitted with a chuckle. "I just have Christmas off for the first time in forever and with all this," she said waving her arms out, "I would worry if you were alone."

Teddy's shoulders relaxed, finally letting his guard down. He shuffled towards Erin. "You never will stop being the mom will you."

"Teddy, I'm not trying to Mother you," Erin kicked herself mentally. She just couldn't seem to say the right thing to Teddy these days.

"It's okay, it's not a bad thing. I appreciate it Erin. You did her job better then she ever could." He admitted looking at the floor.

But Erin couldn't accept the compliment. She couldn't forget the fact that she had been out being selfish and getting high to forget when she should have been home taking care of Teddy. Maybe if she'd been there she could have prevented DCFS from taking Teddy. At the very least she would have known that her mother had lied to her about Teddy's dad showing up and taking him. She would have tried harder to keep in touch and maybe then she could have prevented the hell he went through.

"I wish I'd done more," she confessed.

Teddy put his hand on her arm. "I'm okay."  
At Erin's questioning look he repeated his words more firmly, "I'm okay. Besides I actually do have plans. There's a big party booked at the restaurant tomorrow and Christmas day we're serving a free lunch for the homeless. Boss thought it would be nice to give back plus you know it's good for our relationship with the community," he laughed, half embarrassed.

"You really like it there," Erin smiled. She was happy Teddy had found a place for himself and the people he worked for and with did seem great.

"I do. I actually need to get going. We're booked solid today." He said leaning in to hug his sister goodbye. "I'll swing by the district on my way to the restaurant if you can tell Jay I'm coming?"

"Of course. Thank you for this. I know it's not easy," she said hugging him back.

/

Jay hung up the phone with Erin and let out a long slow breath. He looked down at the evidence bag on his desk that was preserving the DNA sample he'd swiped from Teddy's locker. He was just debating filling in the submission form when Erin had called to let him know Teddy would be stopping by for a swab. To say Jay felt relief was an understatement. He's taken the sample on impulse because he wanted to help Erin but he hadn't slept a wink last night from the guilt sitting low in his belly. It wasn't his style to go behind her back like that. But she needed, okay he'd admit it to himself, he needed to know too, who Lily's parents were. This little girl was quickly stealing his heart, just like her auntie had. He needed to protect her both for Lily's sake and Erin's. He wouldn't know how to do that until they had all the pieces of the puzzle.

When Jay got back to the hospital from checking on Teddy last night he went straight to Lily's room knowing Erin was still there. He'd stood quiet in the doorway for a moment watching Erin watching Lily sleep. Lily had seemed even more tiny and fragile if it were possible. It was clear without the bone marrow transplant things were not going to end well for her. He saw red every time he thought of what Lily had been through with Stacey and Christopher.

He watched Erin run her fingers over Lily's little hand. He knew Erin was committed to making sure Lily's life from here on out was happy and safe and he shared that commitment. He wasn't sure if Erin had thought ahead to consider what they'd do if it turned out Lily's mom was bad news or didn't want her. It was also pretty clear Teddy wasn't going to be able to take on the role of parent any time soon. Jay felt empathy for him, the kid had been dealt a really shitty hand. Jay had his own idea about who should raise Lily but he knew Erin, knew she didn't see herself as the nurturing maternal figure. Jay knew differently though. He knew exactly how big Erin's heart was and how loving and compassionate she was. He made a mental note to call his cousin Ryan in Boston. Ryan dealt with custody issues regularly in his law practice. It wouldn't hurt to find out what his and Erin's options were where Lily was concerned, just incase.

Jay ran his fingers across his forehead now, before pushing himself wearily to a stand, deciding to get rid of the evidence he'd stole and grab another coffee before Teddy turned up. Of course it didn't help matters that he was sleeping, or more correctly not sleeping, alone either. He'd tried to spend the night at the hospital with Erin but she'd refused to let him. While he was grateful to not have back pain from sleeping in the chair, he was certain he would have got more sleep had he been with her. He shook his head at himself. _You used to sleep in the sand with your pack as a pillow now you can't even go one night without that girl by your side,_ he chastised himself. At least he didint have to fess up to breaking into her little brother's locker. He was pretty sure that telling Erin about that would get him more than one night sleeping alone.

/

Erin left the psychologist office feeling conflicted. They'd decided not to tell Lily yet that Erin was her Aunt. Lily was so weak and barely conscious for more than a few minutes at a time now, having deteriorated quickly. Clara and Amanda, the hospital psychologist, felt it would confuse Lily, leave her with too many questions and heighten her anxiety. They felt Lily already had too much to process and this news should wait until she was stronger. They'd also made it clear that Lily would remain a ward of the state until the circumstances of her separation from her birth mother was sorted out, and only then would DCFS assess whether either of her birth parents were suitable to have custody of Lily. They also reminded Erin that although Lily presented quiet and demure with her and Jay, Lily had a lot of trauma to work through. They didn't see how adding this new information right now would be helpful if she was even alert enough to understand it.

Although Erin understood their points she felt like she was deceiving Lily. She just hoped that it was the right decision.

Erin came into Lily's room quietly and greeted the nurse who was checking on Lily. She was weak and sleeping lots but she'd be getting her transfusion later today. The nurse reminded Erin that if it worked it would still be a slow process and awhile before Lily had her energy back.

By mid afternoon Erin couldn't tolerate the pain of sitting in a chair anymore. She needed to stretch out and admitted maybe lay down for a bit too. But she was also going a bit stir crazy in the silence of the room. Her head was racing with a million different thoughts and sitting and doing nothing about them was driving her mad. Lily had only woken once for a few minutes and had been rather lethargic, barely aware of Erin's presence. So Erin kissed the sleeping girl goodbye, let the nurses know she would be back later and ordered a ride to the district. It was time to see if they had any new leads on Lily's mother and also fill Hank in on what the DNA had revealed so far.

Hank wasn't pleased to see her struggling up the stairs when she got there. She said a silent prayer of thanks that Jay was out somewhere because she wasn't really up to the double doze of the alpha males in her life chastising her for disobeying doctor's orders. When he was done scolding her Hank escorted Erin into his office where she updated him on Lily. She could count on one hand the number of times she couldn't read the expression on his face over the years, and unfortunately now was one of those times. He sat, hands folded in front of his face staring at her. Erin tried to sit still and maintain eye contact but between the pain and the awkward silence she felt like squirming.

Her patience ran short quickly. "Say something Hank," she demanded.

Hank dropped his hands. "Your niece huh," he said gruffly. "We know who the kids parents are yet?"

"No, Teddy agreed to a DNA test but before he did I had the lab run deeper genetic testing on Lily and I. It should be back after the holiday." Erin informed him.

"You think it's Teddy's?" Hank asked, still not betraying his emotions.

"Who else's could it be?" Erin asked incredulously.

"With your parents, come on Erin, don't be naive." He scoffed.

Erin brushed off his comment. "Mouse come up with any new information yet?"

"Nothing," Hank said before sitting back in his chair and sighing. "You don't want to know how many missing infants have been reported in this country the last six years."

Erin nodded, no she didn't need to hear that number right now. Hank sat staring at her again.

"What?" Erin demanded. She couldn't take much more of his glare.

"This changes everything." He states flatly.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," the defensive tone rising in her voice.

Hank shook his head slowly. Erin could see he was trying to consider his words.

"Just say it Hank, you think somehow this is going to pull me down or what? What do you think?" She asked impatiently.

"No I'm just considering the impact on my unit when you suddenly have a kid, and a sick one at that, to care for." He admitted.

Erin sat back hard in her chair, surprised. The motion made her wince in pain. "A kid I'd be caring for?" Erin shook her head feverishly. "No. I mean yes, I'm going to make sure I'm a part of her life and watch out for her but...." Her voice trailed off. No way was she fit to be someone's mom. Lily deserved the best after what she'd been through and Erin was far from that. She needed to keep Lily away from her bad news, not bring her closer. She couldn't risk something bad happening to Lily because of her.

Erin sighed in relief when their awkward conversation was interrupted by Al. Within minutes Hank and Al were corralling the rest of the team and heading out to make a bust. The bullpen was deserted and quiet. Erin scanned the board with their active case on it then shuffled through some paperwork on her desk before giving up the pretence. She was in pain and Hank's suggestion that she'd be mothering a sick little girl soon wasn't sitting well with her. She decided to head home and rest for awhile.


	58. Chapter 58

Erin sat at her desk sorting through the financial records of their current suspect. It was boring and tedious combing through all these numbers but necessary if they were going to prove his motive for killing his business partner. She sat back in her chair and stretched.

Being her first day back to work after the bone marrow donation she was still a bit stiff but thankfully the pain was gone. Raising her arms above her head to stretch caught Jay's attention and he looked up from his own stack of papers to make eye contact with her. His look was questioning and she smiled warmly at him, letting him know she was fine. When his own smile appeared she couldn't help but think of how he'd smiled at her when he'd sprug his Christmas Eve surprise on her.

//

Jay had met Erin in Lily's room Christmas Eve after work. After spending a bit of time with Lily, Jay took Erin to dinner. The restaurant was warm and cozy and their table was by the fireplace. They lingered over dessert, talking and laughing quietly. Erin had welcomed the distraction from her thoughts of Lily and the pain in her back.

When they were done Jay helped her with her coat and smiled at her. He looked like a little kid who'd just been told he could play all day in a toy store.

"What?" She laughed up at him. "Why are you smiling like that?"

"I did something." He confessed. She could see he was proud of himself.

"Oh?" She raised an amused eyebrow at him.

"When I heard you'd be off for Christmas and laid up a bit," he began, shifting a bit shyly, "we've never really celebrated Christmas. So I talked Adam into covering for me tonight and tomorrow," he admitted as he directed Erin towards the front door.

"You did?" Erin was definitely surprised. Jay was right. Christmas wasn't a big deal to either of them. With Jay's mom gone and Erin's screwed up family there wasn't much need to make a fuss. Although with Danny now getting old enough to take part in Christmas she she was kind of looking forward to watching the little guy open the half dozen gifts she'd bought him tomorrow night at Hank's. She was glad Justin and Olive would be in town this year.

Jay shrugged. "Getting the tree was fun." Erin nodded, it had been a great day. "I thought maybe you'd like making a few more Christmas memories with me?" Jay asked as he opened the restaurant door and motioned for Erin to look out towards the street.

Erin felt like she'd stepped back in time a hundred years. Directly in front of her stood two large megestic horses. Their deep red harnesses fitted with shiny bells and Christmas bows and they were hitched to a covered carriage that looked like it belonged in a fairy tail. The driver stood waiting by the door and nodded at Erin when she smiled at him.

Erin's mouth dropped open. "For us?"

"Mmhh," Jay replied. "We spend so much time in the ugly underbelly of this city.... I though it might be nice to remember how beautiful it is too. What do you think?"

"I... I'm speechless!" Erin laughed. "Jay Halstead I had no idea you were such a romantic!" She teased.

"Neither did I," he laughed. "But you seem to bring out all kinds of crazy things in me," he smiled, kissing her head. "Shall we?" Erin nodded. The driver opened the door and Jay helped Erin climb inside. They settled on the plush bench under warm blankets. Erin was impressed with how warm, cozy and elegant the inside of the carriage was.

Erin snuggled in close to Jay's side and watched out the large windows as they drove through the city and down by the river. She didn't know if she'd been enchanted by the way the snow and Christmas lights danced together as they took in the city view, the fairy tale magic of the carriage or the buzz from the wine at dinner mixed with the champagne she was now sipping but she was surprisingly warm.

//

"Earth to Lindsay!" Erin snapped her head around at the sound of her voice being called. Antonio was staring at her with a look half way between annoyed and amused on his face. His voice had drawn the attention of the rest of the team and she scanned the room, not missing the boys trying to hide their smiles and giggles.

_Bunch of school girls_ , she thought to herself as she cleared her throat. "Yeah?" She answered Antonio.

"You got a call on one," he said and turned back to his work.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she picked up the phone and connected to the call. Five minutes later she hung up feeling frustrated by the inconclusive evidence the ME had shared with her regarding their case. After filling the team in on what she'd been told she got up to get some coffee only to find the pot empty. With a sigh Erin changed out the filter and started brewing a new pot. She knew if she went back to her desk while she waited the boys would likely beat her to the fresh brew so she took a seat at the break room table to wait. Within a few minutes she found herself starring out the window watching the wind blow what was left of the Christmas Eve snowfall off the sill, once again taking her back a couple days to her Christmas memories.

//

When they got home from their carriage ride Jay had turned on the fireplace and Christmas lights then made hot chocolate while Erin changed into pjs and settled on the couch. They'd decided to curl up and watch Christmas movies. Erin let out a laugh when Jay came out of the bedroom wearing bright pyjama pants covered in Christmas trees.

"What?" Jay asked teasingly. "Tell me you don't want some of this right now?"

Erin laughed again but it died on her lips as her eyes traveled upwards. Jay's bright red tshirt fit snug and showed of his muscular build and Erin involuntarily licked her lips. She knew exactly how perfect her man was under that shirt.

"See," he said pointing his finger at her. "You can't resist!"

Erin rolled her eyes but decided two could play that game. She slid out from under the blanket on the couch and tried to move to a stand in a sultry way but the pain in her back left her feeling more like a wooden doll. Jay reached to help her but she put a hand up to stop him.

"I may have bought some Christmas nightwear as well," she said teasingly.

Jay regarded her grey button up flannel pyjamas with curiosity, his eyes widening as Erin slowly began unbuttoning each button on her shirt deliberately slowly. Once she'd undone them all she opened the top and slowly let it fall to the floor.

Erin watched Jay carefully as he swallowed past his enlarged Adam's apple. She let a satisfied grin spread on her face. There was no doubt he liked what he saw. She was thankful for this because the delicate scraps of deep red silk had cost her a fortune. Hooking her hands into her waist band Erin slowly shimmied her pyjama bottoms down and stepped out of them.

"What do you think?" She asked innocently, attempted a sexy twirl. "Do you want some of this?" She teased him with his own words.

Jay opened and closed his mouth several times before words would come. "We'll have to reheat the hot chocolate later," he finally mumbled before stepping closer and reaching for the soft skin of her waist. The heat in Jay's eyes gave Erin goose bumps.

Painfully slow he leaned down to capture her lips in first a sweet and then passionate kiss. He let his finger tips brush up and down her sides. Erin's fingers found the hem of Jay's shirt and pulled it up. When their lips parted so Jay could get the shirt over his head it broke the spell.

"Erin, you can't, your back," Jay reasoned.

Erin frowned. "I was in worse shape at the cabin and you had no problem taking care of me then," she reasoned, referring to how they'd made love after she'd killed Yates. When Jay still didn't move back to her Erin deployed her ultimate tactic. "What, afraid you can't handle the challenge?"

Jay's eyes lit with fire and his lips were on hers before her laugh could betray her. She'd learned long ago that if you wanted to get Jay to do something, just tell him he wasn't man enough and he'd out do himself to proving you wrong.

//

"What are you smiling at?" Jay asked as he came into the break room. Erin blushed, being caught in her x rated memories, and watched in silence for a moment as Jay filled first her cup then his with the fresh coffee. He carried the cups to the table and sat in front of her.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked.

It was then she realized she still hadn't responded. "Yeah," she smiled reassuringly at him. "I was just thinking,"

"About..." he encouraged

Erin's cheeks reddened again. "Christmas Eve," she admitted quietly.

Concern vanished from Jay's face and his eyes lit with amusement and laughter. "That's a good memory," he chuckled softly. They let their gaze linger warmly over their shared memory of making love Christmas Eve before Erin shook her head.

"Work, we need to get back to work," she laughed. Jay nodded and they both headed back out to the bullpen.

Mid morning Erin decided to call the hospital and check on Lily. Christmas hadn't gone exactly as Erin had envisioned it for the little girl and she'd had some rough nights since.

//

Lily woke as Jay and Erin came into her room carrying stacks of gifts for the girl the morning of Christmas.

"Good morning sweetie! Merry Christmas!" They greeted her with quiet enthusiasm.

Lily smiled back and looked at all the shiny boxes and gift bags. "Are those for me?" She whispered. Despite her weakened state Erin could see the excitement in her eyes.

"They sure are," Jay confirmed, coming to sit close to her. "How you feeling munchkin?"

Lily shrugged not really having the vocabulary to describe what it felt like to be in her state.

"The doctor said you'd start to feel a bit better each day sweetie but it's gonna take awhile before you start to feel really good," Erin explained sitting on the other side of Lily. "Do you feel like opening one of you're presents?"

Lily nodded shyly.

"Which one do you want first?" Jay asked getting up to get a gift.

"The snowman bag," Lily whispered excitedly.

Jay and Erin exchanged happy glances. It was so good to see Lily a little more alert and happy. They knew she'd tucker out soon, long before she'd make it through the mountain of gifts they'd brought. Okay, they'd gone a bit overboard but she literally had nothing and now that they knew she was family they were no longer concerned about crossing the line and having Lily become too attached to them. And it had been a lot of fun shopping for her. It wasn't all toys, Erin had justified to herself. Lily needed clothes and books and all the essentials she'd missed out on under Stacey's so called care.

Lily's eyes dances with delight and awe when she'd pulled the toy from the bag. The toy was something Erin and Lily saw on a commercial while watching tv the other day in Lily's room. When Erin told Jay about it he'd stopped at a toy store and picked it up while on a lunch run. Jay wanted to go out and buy every toy in the city if it kept that happy look on the little girl's face.

Jay helped her remove the packaging and assemble the pieces before a huge yawn escaped her mouth.

"You should rest sweetie," Erin encouraged.

Lily eyed the other gifts with concern. Erin smiled knowing her fear. "Don't worry, everything will still be here when you wake up, we promise."

Lily nodded and settled into a nap. The morning passed like this, Lily would wake, perk up opening a gift then fall asleep, the excitement wearing her out. At lunchtime Will took a break from the ED and brought up lunch for everyone.

"Merry Christmas little brother," he announced walking in with a large tray laden with food.

"What's all this?" Jay asked rising to help Will.

"We had a donor surprise us with a Christmas lunch, there's enough food down there to feed the entire hospital I swear. Knew you were up here, figured I'd share the love," Will explained as he bent to kiss Erin on the cheek and wish her a Merry Christmas.

They ate and talked quietly. When Lily woke Erin helped her eat a bit of soup. Jay couldn't help but notice Lily seemed to really trust Erin. He smiled warmly at them. It never seized to amaze him how nurturing Erin was with the people she cared about. He was often spoiled by her care and affection, especially when something was bothering him. Again he though of all the ways the world had wronged Erin and how she had a right to be cold and resentful but she continued to open up her heart and care for those who needed her. It wasn't always easy being with her, but it was moments like this one Jay knew he never wanted to be with anyone else.

Planning the carriage ride had taken Jay out of his element but the look of surprise and happiness on Erin's face told him it was a hit. He knew under her tough girl tomboy imagine there was a girl who was curious about all the cheesy romantic things her girlfriends raved about. He wanted to be the one who did those things with and for her.

"Have you seen Santa yet?" Will asked Lily winking at her. Lily looked back and forth between Jay and Erin and shook her head no. They knew that the hospital volunteers arranged for Santa to deliver a present to each child who was stuck in the hospital over Christmas. They hadn't mentioned it to Lily thinking she'd enjoy the surprise. "Well I'm sure he'll be by soon. I on the other hand need to head back downstairs."

They thanked Will again and wished him a Merry Christmas before he headed back to work.

A little later Santa made his jolly appearance in Lily's doorway. Erin didn't know if it was his deep voice, his large size or the beard covering his face but Lily's reaction couldn't have been worse. She cried out when she saw him and tried to scramble out of bed and away from him. Jay, who was sitting closest to Lily jumped into action scooping Lily into his arms, gently restraining her on the bed before she ripped any of her tubes out. Erin quickly ushered the shocked volunteers out of the room and asked them to call one of the nurses.

"It's okay Lily, you're alright, he's gone, you're safe baby girl," Jay soothed the shaking and frightened girl over and over as she clung to him. Erin came and sat beside Jay and stroked Lily's back also whispering reassuringly to her. It seemed like ages before her crying stopped and breathing slowed and even longer before they could convince Lily to let the nurse check and make sure she hadn't hurt herself. When she was finally calm enough to drift off to sleep she did so holding Erin's hand in one of hers and Jay's in the other.

//

  
The memory of how upset Lily had been seeing Santa brought Erin back to reality. The nurses had said she'd had nightmares Christmas night and again the next night. Seeing him seemed to shake loose some of the awful things she had tucked away in her mind. May had visited with Lily each day trying to probe a bit more and help the little girl feel safe.

"What did they say?" Jay asked leaning on Erin's desks when she hung up with the hospital.

"She had another nightmare last night but she played in bed with some of the toys we got her this morning before having a nap." Erin filled him in.

Jay nodded. The incident with Santa had shaken him. He'd never seen a child so distraught and afraid before and given the number of child victims he'd dealt with that was saying a lot. If she hadn't been connected to ivs and wires he would have carried her right out of there. The nightmares she was having bothered him too. He knew first hand how unsettling they could be and the idea that someone so young was experiencing them enraged him. Jay was sure he didn't want to know what had happened to her to cause all that trauma.

"Hey," Erin whispered, putting her hand on his arm. "Amanda is helping her with this and we'll stop by tonight, she'll be okay Jay." Erin reassured him. He nodded. Erin was right Lily was safe now and they would make sure it stayed that way, helping her put her traumatic past behind her.

"Lindsay," Platt called as she made her way up the stairs to the bullpen.

"Yeah Sarg," Erin replied getting up from her desk. Jay moved off the desk as well and headed back to his own.

"Courier dropped this off for you, figured you wanted it right away," Platt said, handing Erin an envelope.

"Thanks," Erin said reading the front. "It's from the lab," she said, looking at Jay. Erin ripped open the seal as she walked towards the break room, there was no need to announce all her personal business in front of the whole team. She pulled the document out and began reading it over. Her brow furrowed in confusion.

"What is it," Jay asked, having followed her into the break room.

"It's..." Erin began, "I don't understand." She said looking up at Jay confused.

"What does it say?" Jay asked, moving to read the papers over her shoulder.

"It says Teddy isn't Lily's father. Jay if he's not her father who the hell are her parents?"  
Erin exclaimed. 


	59. Chapter 59

They read over the report for a third time but the words were still the same. Teddy was not Lily's father. More confusing still, it was Lily's mother that shared Erin's parents. 

"So you have a sister somewhere you don't know about?" Jay asked. 

"Yeah well, guess we knew there was a reason her nickname's Bunny," Erin replied sarcastically. 

"Do you think she's older or younger than you?"

"Honestly I've no clue. I have no idea how long my parents were together before I was born or if she ever saw him after he disappeared. God with Bunny's behaviour I'm not even sure he's actually my father. I'm pretty sure she was sleeping with her boss when she was with my dad, and god knows who else. And she would disappear for so long sometimes, she could have easily hooked back up with my dad, got pregnant, taken off when she started to show and given a baby up without me knowing." 

"How do you want to handle this?" Jay asked. 

"Only one way to get answers," Erin sighed. She didn't want to see her, the last while without her in Erin's life had been so much better but there was only one way to find out who Lily's mother was and that was to confront Bunny. 

"I'll go with you." It wasn't a question. Jay didn't trust Bunny and he couldn't risk her getting inside Erin's head. 

Erin didn't bother to argue. At this point she thought it might be better Jay come along, if not for any other reason then for Bunny's protection. 

"Ok, after shift we'll track her down, get this over with," Erin sighed. 

/

Erin was dragging her feet, double checking paper work she knew was fine and finding things to keep her at her desk longer. She was dreading going to see Bunny but for Lily's sake she needed to suck it up and do this. She finally started clearing up her desk for the day when she heard Jay's personal cell buzz. He looked up at Erin then grabbed his phone and walked towards the hall telling her he'd be right back. His behaviour puzzled Erin. 

"Hello?" He answered. He was expecting his cousin to get back to him but he wasn't ready to have Erin know he was looking into their legal options where Lily was concerned. 

"Jay, its Ryan. Listen, I know you left a messaging saying you had some questions for me but, umm I have some bad news and I need a favour." Jay stopped walking, not making it out of the bullpen, Ryan's voice was shaky. 

"What's going on, what do you need?" Jay asked, becoming concerned. Erin's ears perked up at the concern in his voice. 

"It's dad, he, ah, he passed away a couple hours ago," Ryan almost whispered. 

Jay's hand went to the wall to steady himself. Erin crossed the room cautiously. "Ryan, I, I don't know what to say man, how.."

"Heart attack. Happened quickly apparently. I'm booked on the next flight home."

"Your mom?" Jay couldn't imagine how his Aunt was taking the news. 

"Her sisters with her, she's holding up, I think a bit in shock. But she mostly just upset right now because she has no idea how to get in touch with Mark," Ryan explained. "That's why I called. Think maybe you can track him down?" 

"Yeah, yeah of course. I'll see what I can do. Ryan I, I'm sorry man," Jay said. 

"Yeah, thanks man. I'll be in touch as soon as I land," Ryan replied. 

"What time you get in? I'll pick you up," Jay offered. Ryan gave him the details and they hung up. Jay let out a slow breath. 

"Jay?" Erin questioned

Jay looked up. He'd almost forgotten where he was and that she'd overheard. 

"Umm, that was my cousin Ryan, you know the one you saw pictures of at the cabin," Jay began. 

"Your oldest cousin?" Erin asked, knowing bad news was coming. 

"Yeah, he's in Boston, he called because my uncle, his dad, died today," Jay said barely able to believe his own words. 

"Oh my god, Jay!" Erin exclaimed with sympathy, putting her arm around him. Jay gave a half smile and draped his arm over Erin. He took a beat then focused on what his cousin asked him to do. He didn't want his Aunt stressed out any longer than necessary. 

"He needs me to track down his little brother, they've no way of getting in touch with him to tell him the news." Jay explained. 

"Okay, where do you want to start?" Erin said, shrugging her coat off and tossing it on Atwater's desk. 

"Erin you don't have to help." 

"Yes I do. You want me to try and track down a phone number for him?" She said turning her computer back on. 

"What about bunny?" Jay asked feeling bad this was getting in the way of helping Lily. 

"It can wait a day, Lily's safe and getting the treatment she needs. We can deal with the rest later. Let's get your cousin home," Erin assured him. 

Jay nodded. "Thank you," he said with appreciation and then started filling Erin in on what he knew of Mark. 

The youngest of the group, Mark had a care free spirit and never played by the rules. He'd taken off after squeezing through college, claiming he'd fulfilled his duties as a son and wanted to see what the world was really like. He'd pop up now and then to visit him parents and entertain everyone with tales of his adventures from around the world. Ryan said Mark hadn't been home in almost two years but had last Skyped his mom from somewhere in western Canada. He'd told her he was enjoying breathing in the mountain air. He apparently had some kind of online business that supplied him with enough cash flow to travel. 

It didn't take them too long to track Mark down but where they found him shocked the hell out of Jay. He was in the northern town of Prince George working as a fire ranger. 

"I mean I know he's a thrill seeker but I never thought he'd hold down a real job, let alone one so demanding," Jay told Erin, shaking his head. 

"How was he when you spoke to him?" Erin asked. 

"Taken aback. Not surprising, it's shocking news. Uncle Thom was pretty fit and healthy. But he said he'd make arrangements to get home as soon as he could and he was gonna call his mom right after we hung up," Jay filled her in. 

"That's good. I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from him," Erin said. She was sure Jay's aunt would feel relieved both her sons were coming home. 

"Yeah," Jay agreed. He paused for a minute and looked across at Erin sitting at her desk. "You don't have to," he began "I mean I know you've never met anyone other than Will, but if you wanted to, I'd like you to come with me, to the funeral and stuff," Jay said, trying to be nonchalant. 

Erin smiled softy. She had wanted to offer, she was dying to meet his family and of course support Jay but she didn't want to step on any toes or make him feel uncomfortable. A funeral wasn't exactly the best time to introduce your girlfriend to your family. Especially not to your estranged father. She was sure seeing him would be hard for Jay. "I'd be happy to go with you Jay, if that's what you want."

"It is," he confirmed. "Shit," he exclaimed looking at his watch, "I need to head to the airport and grab Ryan," Jay got up and started putting on his coat. Erin walked across to him. 

"Okay, I'll catch up with you at home later," she said kissing him goodbye. She watched Jay head down the stairs. She felt bad that his uncle had past away but she could tell Jay was looking forward to seeing his cousins. 

When he was out of sight Erin turned around the empty bullpen several times trying to decide what to do next. Spying her coat laying across Atwater's desk she remembered what her original plans were this evening. She knew Jay wanted to go with her but he had more important things on his plate right now. Erin suddenly wanted to get the confrontation over with as soon as possible. She grabbed her coat and headed out to the bar she knew Bunny was working at this evening.


	60. Chapter 60

The bar was one of those dark dingy places you were afraid to even sit on the bar stools in for fear of something sticking to you. Just the type of place she expected her mother to be working at. The place was pretty empty given it was so early in the week. An old man passed out in a booth at the back, a couple of construction types drinking beer and laughing too loud in another. She spied her mother behind the bar leaning over the counter giving the disheveled looking man in a wrinkled suit a show. She was flirting and chatting up a storm but he didn't seem to notice anything but the contents of his nearly empty beer glass. The man looked like someone had just shot his dog and Bunny clearly saw some sort of opportunity to move in and take advantage of the poor sucker. Erin rolled her eyes, it was all too cliche and predictable for her. She didn't want to be here, didn't want to see this woman's face again. 

She pulled out some money as she walked towards the bar. 

"Erin!" Bunny greeted her too sweetly as she caught sight of her. "What a surprise to see you honey."

Erin didn't answer. She's hoped after they'd kicked her out of Erin's apartment that day she'd never have to set eyes on Bunny again. Yet here she was, needing something from her mother. Her stomach turned. She slapped the money on the counter next to the man's glass. "Give you a hundred if you find yourself a new bar to drink in tonight." She said flatly. The man looked up at her then down at the money. He shrugged, slid the money off the counter, paid for his drink and left. 

"Erin! How dare you!" Her mother whined. 

"We need to talk," Erin said sternly. 

"What did I do now?" Bunny said, rolling her eyes. 

"Apparently you had another child with my father I didn't know about." Erin said not wasting time with pretence. She wanted in and out of here as fast as possible. 

Bunny paled. "I, I don't know what you mean baby." 

"Bullshit. I don't have time for your games tonight. Just tell me about her," Erin insisted. 

"Her?" Bunny said with confusion as she wiped the same spot on the bar over and over. 

"Yes her. Is she older or younger then me? Was she taken by DCFS or did you abandon her somewhere," Erin watched her mother's body language. She was acting nervous and wouldn't make eye contact with her. 

"Erin you're talking crazy, there is no her. I have two children you and Teddy." Bunny said dismissively. 

Erin's jaw clenched and the red rage she use to experience as a child filled her. She'd expected Bunny to deny the unknown girl but to deny Shelby's existence too? The men in the booth laughed loudly reminding Erin they weren't alone. 

"Get out," she turned and yelled at them. Bunny jumped, Erin had gone from zero to one hundred quicker than expected. 

They laughed at her, "don't think so honey, we're paying customers."

Erin, patience gone, pulled out her badge "CPD, bars being closed for the night, your drinks are on the house, now get the hell out."

They grumbled as they got to their feet and made their way out. 

"Erin! You can't do that," Bunny scolded. 

"Like hell I can't!" She spit at her. "Now stop the bullshit. Who is this kid you and dad had and got rid of?"

"I told you there is no one but you and Teddy but your father isn't Teddy's, you know that, " she said again. 

Erin knocked the glass left by the disheveled man across the bar, it flew across the room and shattered dramatically on the floor, her ability to control her temper gone. 

"Only me and Teddy! Only! You're gonna sit here and not only lie to me when I've got DNA tests to prove you had another child but you're also gonna deny Shelby!! Remember her!! Remember the daughter you watched my father kill and did nothing, NOTHING to stop!" Erin screamed slamming her fist on the bar for emphasis. 

Bunny backed away from the bar, motioning for Erin to calm down. "Erin! Shh, not here. I don't want to talk about this," she said eyes darting with paranoia. 

"Oh we're taking about this now," Erin laughed bitterly. 

Bunny changed tactics and bust into a sob. "How could you be so cruel to me. She was my child! Mine! I lost her. You've no right," she cried out. 

"Save your pity party, tell me about your other daughter." Erin gritted out. Her mother's dramatics only fuelled her anger. Her impatience grew. She was consumed with the need to know where Lily came from. As she stared at her mother her mind twisted. This was all Bunny's fault. Everything that happened to Lily, the horrors she'd been through, it was all because of Bunny. Another innocent child hurt by her selfishness and irresponsibility. It always came back to Bunny. 

Bunny sniffled and shook her head. "There is no other. No one else. Just the three of you."

"Oh so now you admit there's three... how many more mother," Erin circled round to the other side of the bar stalking towards her mother, fury like she'd never felt before radiating off her. This was all Bunny's fault. Erin was so sick of lives being ruined because of her mother. The longer she stood in the same room with her the more disgusted she became. 

"You're lying!" Erin said voice dripping with venom. 

"I'm not!" Bunny said, defiantly sticking her chin up. 

Erin grabbed her mother's shirt and jerked her towards her, "you've already lied to me tonight. There's a little girl lying in a hospital who was stolen from her mother, my sister, your daughter, now tell me who she is!"

"I, I have a granddaughter?" Bunny squeaked back trying to shake loose from Erin. 

Erin shoveed her up against the wall. Angry with herself for mentioning Lily, she took that out on Bunny too. Why couldn't Erin think rationally around this woman?

"Tell me!" She screamed in Bunny's face. 

"These no one!" Bunny said again. 

Erin slammed her fist into the drywall, punching a hole through it. She felt no pain. All the memories of her mother's neglect and abuse welling up in her, her anger grew. How could she have put up with this woman in her life for so long. How could she have gone running back to her time and again hoping that this time it would be different. 

"I swear to god," she said putting her hand on Bunny throat, "if you don't tell me who she is..." she didn't finish the threat. 

Bunny clasped her hands around Erin's trying to release her hold. "There's no one else I swear," she choked out, tears streaming down her face. 

"You're really gonna stick with that? Maybe I should go pay dear old dad a visit and ask him," Erin threatens. 

Bunny's eyes widened in terror. "No, Erin no, oh god no, don't! Please Erin he'll kill us if he thinks we're going to cause him trouble. I swear. I swear on Shelby there's no one else. Just you and her and Teddy." She gulped. 

Erin stared into her eyes. Bunny was a cunning liar for sure but she only saw truth and fear staring at her. The fear shook Erin out of her raging trance for a moment and she abruptly dropped her hands from Bunny's neck. She'd seen that fear in her mother's eyes before. Flashbacks to her childhood, watching her mother get beaten by her father or whatever man she'd let in their lives played through Erin's mind. She squashed down the empathy for the battered victim and reminded herself the poison Bunny brought to people's lives. 

She stepped back. "If you're lying to me," she warned again. 

Bunny regained some of her composure. "I'm not," she said pointedly. 

Erin's mind raced. If Bunny wasn't lying... if she only had two daughters... what did that mean?

"What happened that night," Erin whispered. 

"What night," Bunny fiend ignorance and her eyes darted around the room. 

Erin stepped back into Bunny's space. "You know what night I mean. Tell me what happened that night."

"Erin, I won't relive that, you can't make me," Bunny reverted to her grieving mother posture. 

"What happened!" Erin said forcefully. 

"You know what happened, you were there," her mother squeaked back. "He threw her, she it her head and fell, she died,"

"And then what," Erin demanded. 

Bunny shook her head refusing to answer. 

"What happened!" She demanded again. 

"He took her," Bunny whispered. 

"Where?" 

"I don't know," Bunny shook her head. 

Erin's frustration reached it peak again and she pushed Bunny against the wall. 

"What did he do with her," Erin spit at her mother. 

"I don't know, I swear Erin. He left. I wasn't gonna stick around and be next. I packed us up and we ran. You know this. Why are you harping on this. Why drag it all up? Why make me relive all this horrible stuff?" Bunny cried in confusion 

"What would he have done, where would he have taken her. Take a guess," Erin continued her interrogation. 

"Oh my god!" Bunny's eyes went wide as Erin's train of though dawned on her, "you think she's still alive! No, no!" Bunny shook her head violently her brain not wanting to accept the possiblility. "No, Erin, no she's dead. She fell, she wasn't breathing he took her away."

"Where mother, where would he have taken her. Think," Erin insisted. 

Bunny's closed her eyes, her body shook. "Cabel."

"What?"

"Cabel Welsh, he would have gone to see him. He always took care of those sorts of problems for that crew." 

Erin stared at Bunny again for a long moment, referring to Shelby as a problem made bile rise from her belly, before abruptly turning to leave. She wasn't going to get anything else out of Bunny. 

Bunny couldn't resist getting a jab in as Erin paced out the door "You're just like him," she she croaked bitterly after Erin. "You're just like your old man." 

Erin got in her car and slammed the door. Her heart was racing. She lifted her hands. They shook violently. She gripped the steering wheel tight trying to steady them. Closing her eyes she took slow deep breaths trying to calm herself. Her mother's words were hardly believable but Erin didn't think she was lying. Could it be true? Could Shelby really be alive?

She needed time to think. And she definitely needed a drink or three after tonight. Erin took one more deep breath, shook her head to clear it and started the car. She needed to head home and pull herself together before Jay got back. 

By the time she walked through the front door she felt like she'd run a marathon. The rage she'd been consumed by earlier left her body tense and sore. She toed off her boots and threw her coat over a hook then headed straight for the fridge. Unfortunately she hadn't beat Jay home. She must have sat longer than she realized in the parking lot trying to pull herself together. He intercepted her on his way out of the kitchen and passed her a beer, "was getting myself one when I heard you open the door." 

"Thanks," she said quietly and placed her hand around the bottle Jay offered her. 

"What happened to your hand," Jay asked spying the bloody cut knuckles. "Something jump off after I left?"

Erin turned her hand to examin her knuckles. It took her a moment to figure out where she'd hurt her hand. 

"Ah, no" she said evasively. 

But Jay didn't let it drop. He picked up her hand and skimmed his thumb over her knuckles. "You should clean this up."

"Yeah," she pulled her hand back, went to the sink and washed her hands. The warm water stung in the open cuts. 

"Your cousin get in okay? I figured you would have been out longer, get caught up a bit," She asked, changing the subject. 

"Yeah, he wanted to get to his mom, he'll be in town all week, we'll have time to visit," he answered. His Aunt had been a sobbing mess when her eldest son walked in the door. Jay had stayed for a few minutes but her grief made him uncomfortable and after promising to help with whatever they needed in the coming days he'd made his retreat. 

"That's good, although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. Jay if there's anything I can do," she offered turning to face him while she dried her hands. 

The sympathy in her eyes was real and he smiled sadly at her. "Thanks, I'll let you know," he offered genuinely before eyeing her knuckles again as she picked her beer up off the counter. 

Jay stood expectantly at the island. "You gonna tell me what happened?" He asked keeping his tone light. But truth was he was a little concerned. Erin's fist had clearly made contact with something or someone and if it wasn't work related...

"I went to see Bunny," she confessed, darting her eyes. 

Jays eyes widened with surprise then narrowed in annoyance. "Though we were going to go together, you said you'd wait," he couldn't quite keep the upward pitch of annoyance out of his tone. 

"Jay you need to focus on your family right now. A visit to Bunny was the last thing you needed."

"Clearly the last thing you needed too if you're coming back with bloody knuckles," Jay said sarcastically. 

"It's no big deal," Erin tried to blow it off. 

"No big deal? Erin you haven't seen this woman since she offered you drugs with a morning glass of juice after you shot Yates. You would have killed her then if you hadn't been injured."

"Jay," Erin said, stepping past him, trying to end the conversation. But he placed his hand on her shoulder halting her progress. 

"No, don't dismiss this. I told you I wanted to go with you, clearly your hand is the proof of why, you said you'd wait."

"And I decided to go handle it, you don't need this right now." 

"You're right Erin I don't. I don't need to be worrying about you going rouge and having violent confrontations with your whack job of a mother while my family is grieving," Jay bit out. 

"Then don't," she said defiantly, finally pushing past him. 

Jay turned to follow her, his frustration growing but his next words were interrupted by a firm knock on the door. 

Erin stalked down the hall and flung the door open. Blinking hard when she was greeted by two uniformed officers. 

"Detective Erin Lindsay?" One asked. 

"Yes?" Erin replied confused. She felt Jay come up behind her. 

"I'm sorry to do this ma'am," the taller officer began nervously, "but we're gonna have to ask you to come down to the station with us."

"Why?" Jay interjected. 

"There's been charged pressed against Detective Lindsay, sir," the officer said acknowledging Jay. "Assault charges."

Erin let out a bark of a laugh. "Unbelievable," she said. "Bunny just doesn't quit," she said shaking her head. 

Jay's jaw clenched. Erin was about to be arrested and she was laughing at her mother. He still had no clue what had happened tonight and now he had to deal with the fact that Erin could be spending at least the night in jail. 

"Where you taking her?" Jay asked. 

Erin's head flipped around to look at Jay, "Oh I'm not going anywhere. This is all just another one of Bunny's games." 

"Ma'am," the officer stampered nervously, "we'd really prefer not to have to cuff you." 

Erin looked between the nervous face of the young officer and Jay's. This was really happening. They were really going to take her in over something Bunny had made up. 

"Where are you taking her," Jay asked again. 

"Twenty first, sir." 

Jay nodded, "fine but you take her up to interrogation not lock up," he ordered. 

"Sir," the officer nodded. Jay knew they had a bit of lei way given Erin was a clean cop and in Voight's unit, no uniform wanted to piss off Voight and risk ruining their career. 

"I'll meet you there," he said to Erin flatly. "I'll call Voight, we'll be right behind you." 

Erin couldn't believe her ears. She looked up into his face. Jay's expression showed no emotion. 

Erin slipped on her boots and grabbed her coat deciding to save her words for when Hank turned up. 

"Lead the way," she said coolly to the officers.


	61. Chapter 61

She'd sat in the hard chair for almost twenty minutes now. Alone. Becoming more annoyed by the minute. She knew Hank and Jay were here but neither of them had come to spring her from this shit show of a circus her mother was trying to cause.

She let her angry fantasies of what she'd do to her mother for pulling this crap play out in her head.

She caught sight of herself in the two way mirror. 'You're just like him' she heard her mother's voice echo in her head. Erin dropped her eyes and stared at her bloodied and bruised hand on the table. A table she'd sat across from dozens, maybe even hundreds of criminals from, a table she was now siting on the wrong side of.   _Maybe she's right_ , Erin thought. How many times had she seen her father put his hands on her mother? _At least he had the excuse of having half a bottle of Jack piping through his veins,_ she scoffed at herself. Erin shook her head. She needed to find Lily's family and get Lily the hell away from her and all the trouble she brought. Lily wasn't safe around Erin.

Her thoughts drifted to her mother's denial of having any more children and the possibility that Shelby was alive. Her heart rate picked up. What the hell was taking so long for them to come in here anyway? She needed run Shelby's name through the system. She needed to find this Cabel guy and find out what they did with Shelby's body that night. Did they just dump her somewhere cold, alone. Was she dead and left to rot in the woods? Or was she laying there, clinging to life and if so what happened next? Imagines of her delicate tiny sister abandoned and injured mixed with the memories of finding Lily in the dark disgusting basement. Was Shelby alive? Was she looking for Lily? Was this all just one of Bunny's fucked up mind games or was Lily really Shelby's daughter? She needed to know and now, waiting was driving her crazy.

After what felt like an eternity the interrogation room door opened and Hank and Jay walked in. She bit the inside of her cheek, keeping the sarcastic remarks about how they took their sweet time to herself. Jay's face was blank. He looked tired as he scanned her over quickly, assessing her. Her lip quirked up just slightly, even when he was pissed at her he couldn't help but be protective. She felt guilty for yet again making him worry and letting her soap opera of a life over take him. She'd have to apologize, again.

Hank on the other hand, she could read clear as day. He was pissed. He sat across from her, like she was a suspect. Jay dragged a chair around to the tables side. Not quite treating her like the criminal Bunny was accusing her of being, not quite telling her he was an ally.

"Explain," Hank said a little too calmly. He didn't waste words on her tonight. A sure sign he'd already reached his limit.

"What did Bunny say?" Erin asked because she knew that's why he was at his limit, why it took so long for them to come in here, Hank had already gone rounds with Bunny and she'd drained him of all his patience.

"She has a witness. Claims you physically assaulted her. The marks on her neck back up her claims. Said you were a raving lunatic going on about fake babies she gave away and ghosts." Hank said in a clipped tone.

Erin closed her eyes in an effort to prevent rolling them. "A witness?" She scoffed. "You mean the drunk homeless old man passed out in the back that doesn't even know what year it is let alone what happened in the bar?" Erin said sarcastically.

She should have expected as much from her mother. Bunny would twist everything around to make herself the innocent victim.   _Did she really do anything to deserve your abuse_ , the voice in Erin's head asked.   _You just couldn't help it, couldn't help but put your hands on her, just like your old man,_ it reminded her.

"Erin its late," Hank said as a warning.

"DNA came back, Lily is a full match as my niece. Her grandparents are my parents. Her mother my full sister." Erin answered, all business.

"And you thought confronting Bunny with all this on your own was a good idea?" Hank retorted.

"I just,"

"You just nothing Erin. You loose your head when it comes to that woman. We all know this. It was only a matter of time before we ended up here. You didn't want to wait for Halstead, you should have called me." Hank lectured.

Erin had no response. Arguing with him would get her no closer to finding out if Shelby was really alive. So she stared at her hands and waited for him to finish. He reached across and took her injured hand in his. She looked up at him. He looked tired.

"Though I was long past bailing you out of trouble," he said dryly. Erin took her hand back.

"Yeah well trouble seems to run in my family," she said bitterly.

Hank shook his head, exasperated. "You let her get in your head too much."

"She's not wrong, not about this," Erin protested. "I can't tell you how many times I watched him do to her what I did tonight," she said referring to her father.

"Erin stop," Hank said letting her know he'd had enough dramatic antics for one night. He let out a long slow sigh. "She dropped the charges. So how about we move this conversation to the break room and you tell us what the hell is going on?"

Jay watched the surprise turn to relief on Erin's face. He couldn't share her ease. He'd just caught an ear full from Voight and then spent the last half hour listening to that crazy bitch rant and rave about how she was gonna ruin Erin and the whole Chicago police force before Hank took some rather unorthodox measures to make her change her mind and send her scurrying back to whatever hole she'd hopped out of this time, but he didn't know how long she'd be gone given she kept asking questions about Lily.

And the damage was already done. It was clear from Erin's statements that Bunny had already gotten in her head. Which was exactly the reason he'd wanted to go with her. His frustration with her hadn't faded and he was feeling on edge having gone a round with Voight over what Voight deemed his inability to keep his partner in check and having dealt with Bunny in the same week he was going to have to share air with his own father. He'd sat quiet in interrogation watching what felt more like a father chastising his daughter after she'd snuck out of the house then any kind of interview. He really had nothing to say to her right now, nothing that wouldn't make things worse so he let Hank do his thing and watched Erin's reactions. He knew the situation with Lily was messing with her head and clearly making her act irrational. He wanted to shake her, remind her to keep her head straight or she'd make things worse for the little girl, but he was glad they were getting out of this room.

"So?" Hank asked, placing coffee in front of Erin at the break room table. He left Jay to fend for himself.

Erin took a tentative sip of the hot liquid trying to straighten out her thoughts. She knew she'd have to tell Hank about Shelby for any of this to make sense to him and she knew the story sounded crazy enough without her babbling like an idiot.

"I had a younger sister, Shelby. One night my parents came home drunk from the bar, had a fight and Shelby started to cry. My father lost it, picked her up, shook her, yelled at her, when she didn't do what he wanted he threw her down. She hit her head off the table and fell. Bunny and I thought she was dead. He took her somewhere, I don't know where and Bunny packed her and I up and got on a bus to Chicago. That was the last time I saw either of them."

Hank looked at her confused. She knew he was surprised and probably disappointed she'd never shared this before but mostly probably wondering what this had to do with anything.

"I confronted Bunny about the DNA results. I was convinced she had another daughter, Lily's mother. Things obviously got out of control but she swore there was no other kids. Just me, Shelby and Teddy," Erin sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. The room was silent.

"You believe her," Jay said after a few moments.

She opened her eyes and shook her head. "It seems impossible but..."

"We prove the impossible true all the time around here," Hank said quietly. Erin was relieved they were at least entertaining her theory. It made her feel a little less crazy.

Erin told them what her mother said about Cabel Welsh.

"So we track this guy down and have a chat," Jay said planning their next move.

Hank sat contemplating for a moment then nodded. "Let's get some background on him first, see if we can't find a reason to bring him in here," Hank instructed. "But it's you and me," he said pointing to Jay. At Erin's move to protest he held up his finger, "don't, you need to take a back seat for a minute on this. We don't know what we're stepping in here and we need to keep your name and Lily out of it for now. It's bad enough your mother knows about her," he scolded.

Erin kicked herself again for mentioning Lily to her mother. Clearly she'd brought it up with Hank. She hoped they'd be able to keep Bunny away from Lily.

"We didn't tell her anything," Hank assured her, "but you know your mother."

Hank looked at his watch. "Its late but we can't risk your mother going to this Welsh character and giving him a heads up. Let's get to work," he instructed leaving the room.

Erin caught Jay's arm in his way by, "Jay," she began to apologize.

"Not now, let's just track this guy down," he said, his voice sounding tired.

Erin nodded. But she couldn't help but feel like she'd set in motion something that was going to tilt her world upside down.

 

 

 

 

 


	62. Chapter 62

It hadn't taken them long to track down Cabel. He had a rap sheet a mile long and owned a small body shop on the south side of town. Jay and Hank headed out, giving Erin explicit instructions to head home. It went against her entire being to let them boss her around but she knew she was in both their bad books, for good reason, and decided neither of them needed her causing them any more stress, especially since they were running with her insane idea that Shelby may still be alive. 

As she headed down to her car it dawned on her that she hadn't shared the DNA results with Teddy yet. She decided to give him a call and caught him just as he was closing up the restaurant. 

"Are you busy? Heading home to bed?" She asked after saying hello. 

"Nah, takes me a couple hours to unwind after work and I don't have to be back in until eleven. Everything okay?" He asked hearing the weary tone of her voice. 

"Would you mind stopping by my place for a coffee?" She asked. It was the sadness he heard in her voice that had him agreeing readily.

They made small talk while she made coffee, mostly about how things were going at the restaurant. By when they settled onto the couch Teddy put an end to the charade. 

"Erin what's going on? You look exhausted. You sounded almost upset on the phone. Did something happen with Jay? Is that why he's not here?" He questioned. 

"Not exactly," Erin began. "He's at work actually," she explained, reluctant to talk about everything that was on her mind. She needed to tell him he wasn't Lily's father but she didn't know about the rest. 

"Talk to me," Teddy encouraged but Erin just shifted her position and shrugged. "Look I know it's always been you watching out for me but we're not kids anymore. If there's something on your mind I can be a pretty good listener you know," he said smiling at her. 

Erin smiled back, he always had been a sweetheart. She liked seeing this more confident version of her little brother. It was hard for her not to think of Teddy as the little boy she used to protect and take care of. She had never really seen him as someone she could go to but he'd come so far. The therapy, new job and people he surrounded himself with now clearly were having an amazing impact on him. Everything that happened today had to do with Teddy too, so she decided to tell him the whole story. 

"The DNA test came back," she started, watching Teddy's body stiffen. She put her hand on his leg to steady him, "You're not Lily's father."

Teddy's body sagged with relief then he tilted his head in confusion. "Wait, what does that mean then. Who are her parents?" 

Erin told him the long story. She talked about her father, about Shelby, about what happened the night Erin thought Shelby died and about how Erin had confronted their mother earlier, despite telling Jay she would wait for him. She told him how aggressive she had been, what Bunny had said and how Bunny pressed charges against her. 

"She pressed charges!" he exclaimed, finding it unbelievable. 

"Yup, Hank did something to make her drop them but they are so mad at me right now. And honestly I don't blame them. Not only am I as bad as my father for putting my hands on her but I'm running around causing drama just like her," Erin said slumping back against the couch. 

Teddy looked at her with narrowed eyes, "That's bullshit." He stated bluntly. 

"What?" Erin stuttered, surprised at his boldness. 

"Erin you are not your parents and sitting here mopping and blaming yourself when frankly it's about damn time you put mom in her place, you need to stop. I get you don't like seeing your boyfriend upset with you but he didn't live what we lived through with her Erin, if he had he'd understand why you finally lost it. If he loves you he'll get over it."

"He does, and I know he will but Teddy I've put him through so much. I just feel bad you know," Erin tried to explain. 

"You're worth it," Teddy smiled at her cheekily. 

Erin shook her head, not able to let herself off the hook quite so easily tonight. 

Teddy decided to let it go for now and focus on what was important in all of this.   
"What will happen if they can't find Lily's parents or they turn out to be unfit to raise her?"

"They'll put her in the system," Erin said quietly. Teddy clenched his jaw and stiffened. Erin had no doubt he was remembering everything that happened to him when DCFS had shown up and taken him from Bunny. 

"You can't let them put her in the system Erin." He said becoming angry. 

"Teddy I don't know if I can stop it and I don't know what will happen, let's just wait and see what Hank and Jay find out." She tried to calm him. 

"You need to take her," he demanded. 

"It's not that simple in cases like hers," Erin shook her head. "And even if it was, I'm not the right person for her." 

"Why not," he asked incredulously. 

Erin paused for a moment before answering. "I know what you went through was horrible and I'm not by any means trying to compare... but I'm not mother material Teddy. My job is demanding, I have crazy hours, I couldn't even keep a fish alive let alone a person. And I don't have a maternal bone in my body. How could I? Look at my DNA. Hell just hours ago I had our mother pinned up against the wall, just like my father use to do."

"She deserved it," Teddy said apathetically. 

"Teddy!" 

"I'm sorry Erin but after everything she put us through, put you through, she deserves that anger from you. At some point she has to take ownership of her part in everything." 

They sat in silence for a moment Teddy contemplating his next words. "Do you remember how scared I use to be of thunderstorms?"

Erin tilted her head. She didn't know why he was bringing this up now but she did remember him crying and running to her whenever there was thunder. 

"You use to do this thing. You'd let me put my head on your lap and you'd play with my hair and sing to me, do you remember? It's the only time I truly felt safe. I know it sounds ridiculous because you were just a kid too. But I did, I felt safe. I still think about that every time there's a storm." He paused trying to find the words to convince her she was exactly what Lily needed. "You'd be a great mom Erin," Erin shook her head no, but Teddy grabbed her hand and waited until Erin looked at him again. "You would. She'd be safe with you. And I know first hand how capable of love you are, what you'd do for the people you love. How you used to protect me and make sure I had food and got to school and all the rest. The way you used to care for mom when she was completely out of it or after her current boyfriend had beat her senseless. You think because of where we came from that you're no good, that you're cursed to repeat their mistakes, that there's something bad in our blood, but it's not true, not for you. You're the exception Erin. You made it out. You have a good heart. You're a good person. Any kid would be lucky to call you mom." He said, his voice soft and full of emotion. 

Erin had to look away. As sweet as he was she couldn't accept his words right then. She wouldn't let anything bad happen to Lily but she wasn't the right person to take on the mother role in Lily's life and she was getting frustrated with everyone jumping to the conclusion that that's what it would come to. They still had no idea where Lily's parents were and if they could reunite her with them. Instead she dismissed him, telling him again that they didn't know what's going to happen and they may still find Lily's parents. Erin felt overwhelmed and confused and tired of all the what ifs. There was so much noise in her head. She needed answers. 

They sat in the silence of their stalemate, both trying to sort through the emotions their talk had brought up, so lost in thought they didn't hear Jay come in. He stood watching them for a moment before they felt his presence. The weary and sad expressions they wore had him wanting to turn and leave, not wanting to be the one to tell Erin what he and Hank had discovered tonight. His news would only add to whatever cloud hung over the room. 

They'd found Cabel, slugging back beers with a few buddies in the back area of his body shop. After telling his friends to beat it they began questioning Cabel. He'd played dumb at first of course, they all did. Then Jay stood by and watched as Hank persuaded Cabel to talk. The man would probably have a permanent limp from Voight's chosen technique but they got the information they needed. Jay cringed remembering what Hank did with the tire iron. Every time Voight resorted to his 'old school' interrogation techniques Jay was consumed by inner conflict. He prided himself on being a good honest cop and his moral compass screamed at him to put an end to Voight's use of violence but then a voice would creep up reminding him that he was a hypocrite because there was a time not so long ago in a hot dessert climate that he'd done far worse to people. And he couldn't wrap himself in a blanket of justice then, claiming his actions were for the greater good, to help save someone or solve a gruesome case the way Voight justified what he did. No, Jay had acted on a toxic mixture of rage and revenge acting out his vengeance on people who didn't deserve it. He shook the memories away when Erin looked up, startled by his sudden appearance. 

"Jay, we didn't hear you come in," she breathed. 

"Sorry, I thought you might be asleep and didn't want to wake you. Hi Teddy," Jay nodded at him. 

Teddy nodded back but didn't speak. 

"Did you find anything out?" Erin asked not able to wait any longer for news. 

"Yeah," Jay confirmed looking hesitantly in Teddy's direction. He wasn't sure how Erin felt talking about all this in front of him. 

"It's okay, I told him everything," She confirmed. 

Jay nodded. He looked between them, their anxious faces staring up at him, for a moment he put himself in Erin's shoes and all his earlier frustration with her impulsive actions vanished. Knowing what he was about to tell her and how it would rock her world he couldn't say how he would act if he were in her shoes. He felt bad for getting so upset with her knowing that he'd had thoughts of doing to Bunny exactly what Erin had for everything her so called mother put her through. Jay needed another minute to prepare himself before the words would come out so he turned and went to retrieve a beer out of the fridge. He twisted off the cap, tossing it in the sink and took a long pull of the cold liquid. He could still feel Erin's eyes on him and knew it was taking everything in her not to jump up and shake out of him what had happened. He returned to the living room and sat on the edge of the arm chair. Placing his beer on the table in front of him, he ran his fingers through his hair. 

"Bunny was right about your father taking Shelby to Cabel," he began. "He thought she was dead too, told Cabel to get rid of her. But when Cabel was digging her grave Shelby came to and he panicked."

Erin's eyes went wide, "She's alive! All this time! What did he do with her? Where is she?" She interrupted frantically. 

"He doesn't know, at least not anymore. He couldn't kill her, apparently he has some sort of a conscience and limits his services to disposal of already dead people," Jay said sarcastically. "But he was afraid of your father enough not to go back to him with her so he decided to hide her. He drove down to South Carolina with her, dropped her off with his sister, threw some cash and threats at her and made her swear to raise her, keeping a secret where she came from. They made up some story about her, changed her name and all the rest."

"And now? Is she still there?" 

"He doesn't know, said he hasn't spoken to his sister in years," Jay said watching both Erin and Teddy as they processed this information. After they finished questioning Cabel they'd taken him back to the District. Hank had called Mouse in and they were sorting through the details of Cabel's story. 

"They've probably kept her captive, brain washed her," Teddy said, his voice haunted by his own memories. "Probably why she never went to the police all this time."

"I have to go, I have to find her," Jay moved to the couch and sat next to her hearing the urgency in her voice. She picked up her phone with shaky hands. 

"We will, we are. Mouse is verifying his story. He does have a sister in South Carolina. Voight was taking care of our travel arrangements. He's going to text me with that info as soon as it's sorted out," he said putting his hand over hers. 

"We?"

"You and me," Jay confirmed. 

Erin nodded, a bit of relief coming knowing Jay would be with her but a sudden thought had her pausing. "Wait, your uncle's funeral."

"It's not for another few days. We'll be back by then," Jay reassured her. 

"But your family needs you, and you should be with them," Erin said, concerned it wasn't fair he was putting his own needs aside to once again deal with her baggage. 

"They'll be fine. Ryan's home, Mark is on his way and Will can check in with them. Aunt Helen has more than enough support."

"Jay, I," she shook her head. She would not be this selfish. 

"It's fine Erin, I want to go with you," he reassured her again. He really did want to go with her. Not just because this was bound to be an emotional trip for her but he was invested in Lily and what was best for her now. He was feeling pretty anxious to get to the bottom of everything too. 

"It's a good idea Erin, taking him with you," Teddy interjected before standing to leave. "Will you let me know what you find out?" 

"Of course," Erin agreed getting to her feet to walk him out. 

Teddy nodded his good byes to Jay and walked with his sister to the door. "If you need anything I'm here okay," he said hugging her goodbye. 

"Thank you," she murmured. "Same goes for you."

Erin came back in the living room. Jay was sitting on the couch watching her approach. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

"It's a lot to process," she admitted. 

"I know, do you want to talk about it?"

Erin shook her head. "I feel like that's all I keep doing. I just need to find her."

"We will," Jay assured her. "Why don't we try and get some rest? Voight text me our flight info, we leave pretty early tomorrow."

Erin agreed but she knew she'd get no sleep tonight. Her brain kept trying to wrap itself around what Jay had told her. Shelby was alive. But what had her life been like? Who were these people who had raised her? Did she remember her life, her family, Erin? Or had they brainwashed those memories away like Teddy suggested? She shivered at the though of what she could have gone through. If she remembered Erin would she hate her? Erin's fears mixed with hope as she though about getting her sister back. What was she like? Would she recognize her? Then her thoughts turned to Lily. Had Lily been stolen from Shelby? Who was Lily's father? Was Shelby looking for Lily? Erin couldn't imagine what it had felt like to learn your baby had been taken from you. Or maybe she'd given her up willingly. She shifted in the bed, not for the first time, and Jay rolled to face her, his arm coming to rest across her hip. His touch seemed to quiet the storm in her head. 

"Hey," he whispered. "What do you need?" He knew her mind must be racing because his was, it hadn't stoped is Cabel spilled his guts between cries of pain. 

"For you to stop being so perfect," she whispered, always in awe of how well he read her and how supportive he was. 

"Impossible, you're just going to have to accept living with this perfection," he teased. 

Erin smiled. He always knew how to break her funk. "I'm sorry Jay. For going to see Bunny without you, for all of this happening now when you have your own family you should be focusing on. For being selfish and emotional." 

"Erin," Jay interrupted her. 

"No, Jay. I mean it. You put up with a lot and I don't think I do good job letting you know how much I appreciate it, appreciate you. I know you're probably upset over your uncle's death and I realize you're probably going to have to deal with your father at some point in all this. I'm sure you have a lot on your mind but here you are supporting me, again. I'm grateful for that. This has all been overwhelming and more than a bit mind blowing but I just hope you know that I'm here for you too. I didn't do a great job of that earlier but I am here, for whatever you need." She said quietly, stroking his cheek with her warm hand. 

She felt him smile against her hand. His fingers squeezed her hip gently. This was his Erin, the woman who despite what the world threw at her, put others first. The one who took care of others ahead of herself. 

"I know you are, babe. And it's not like you planned any of this. We didn't know when we went to arrest James we'd find a little girl locked up in the basement and we sure as hell didn't know she'd be your niece. But she is and she needs us to help her. So we will, whatever it takes. And as far as the stuff with my family goes, well it's not exactly the introduction I had envisioned but having you with me is enough," he said leaning in for a kiss. 

She slid her hand down his face and placed it against his chest letting her lips linger against his for a moment before he tugged her closer, tucking her head under his chin. She slid her leg over his and snuggled in. She lay in his arms, painting soft circles on his chest with her fingertips and listening as his breathing evened out and he fell asleep. She promised herself no matter what the next few days revealed she wouldn't loose her head. She would be steady and focused, the partner Jay deserved, and the opposite of everything her DNA said she should be.


	63. Chapter 63

Steady and focused was exactly what she was. She didn't let the mild ocean air distract her as they drove down the strip lined with hotels, souvenir shops and family attractions in Myrtle Beach. The palm trees and sunshine barely registered as they made their way into the run down Ocean Queen Motel lobby. But she did register every detail of the woman behind the counter who checked them in. Cabel's younger sister was about five foot seven. The heavy set fifty five year old woman's bright red hair and matching nails indicated she went to the salon regularly. She had a faint southern accent when she spoke and her rough cough suggested she'd been smoking longer than Erin had been alive. 

Erin smiled politely and played the part of the happy tourist couple as Jay paid for their room. The place was deserted, being the middle of winter. She looked around wondering what it had been like for Shelby growing up here. They took their key and pretended to settle in their sparse and worn room. Erin had no desire to spend the night in the run down motel and if their plan worked she wouldn't have to. 

On the flight down they'd poured over everything Mouse had dug up on Cabel's sister and her husband. Karli and Mike O'Neil had inherited the second rate motel from Karli's parents and had been living in and running it since they were newly weds. It barely turned a profit, surviving on income from the busy season and, according to local police, Mike's side business as a drug dealer, although they hadn't been able to make any charges stick. They had three children barely a year apart in age, their eldest son, born six months after their marriage, was in jail, one daughter had died of an overdose, and youngest son had left home at sixteen and worked at a factory in Detroit. Only one child, Virginia, older than the rest by five years, had a birthday remotely close to Shelby's. Mouse hadn't been able to find record of her beyond a South Carolina birth certificate they knew was fake and he was going to spend time today expanding his search. 

But Mouse had worked his magic and found them enough leverage to coerce Karli into telling them everything she knew about Shelby. So when they were ready, Erin called up to the office with a complaint that their room had no pillows. Karli apologized and promised to bring some down right away. Within a few minutes she was knocking on the door. Erin let her in, making sure to block Karli's exit and that's when Jay confronted her. Erin watched Karli carefully as Jay questioned her. She knew if they had a chance at pressing any charges down the road she would have to take a back seat on the investigation. Jay slowly deployed his scare tactics and utilized the leverage they had over her to elicit the information they needed from Karli. Erin's senses were on high alter watching for signs the woman was trying to mislead them but she was sufficiently scared by Jay's threats and within fifteen minutes she was a sobbing mess, sitting on the edge of the bed telling them everything. 

Cabel had blown into town one late afternoon in March having driven all night from Illinois. He laid low until nightfall, keeping the girl hidden in the trunk. Karli's skin prickled when Mike opened the door to her older brother. They didn't have a good relationship and Karli was afraid of him. More afraid of him than she was her own husband. Cabel reminded them of how he'd made sure the family business went to Karli when their parents died so that she'd have some way of taking care of the baby she was dumb enough to get pregnant with. Then he'd reminded her how their poor excuse for parents had died and how easy it had been to make it look like an accident. He reminded her and Mike how much they owed him, that Mike's successful side business was all due to Cabel's contacts and having the motel as a front and that it was time for Cabel to collect. 

He'd gone back out to his car and brought in a heavy looking duffle bag. When he unzipped it Karli's whole body went cold. The small child looked weak, dried blood streaked down her face and on her clothes. Her eyes were wild with fear and confusion. Karli had tried to protest and Mike outright refused to take the girl in until Cabel pulled out his gun. The action made Mike reconsider his stance and they'd negotiate a deal. Karli and Mike would take the child, convincing everyone she was theirs and Cabel would make it worth Mike's while. 

So they'd set about getting her a fake birth certificate and new name. Getting the child to keep quiet had been pretty easy since she barely ever spoke and scared easily. It only took Mike a couple beatings to get the child to stop crying out at night for someone called Erin. She hadn't caused them any trouble growing up except for the damn mess she made with her painting and fell in line doing her share of chores around the motel. Karli home schooled them all, giving them what she called a real world education of maintaining a business. But the ungrateful brats all left home one after the other. Virginia being the last of the lot to go. 

"She let that damn fool headed Samantha talk her into running off," Karli said, her voice still shaky from crying. 

"Samantha?" Jay asked. 

"Daughter of our only employee. She lived here too in one of the rooms. I let the girls play together thinking there'd be no harm in lettin her have one friend, specially since Samantha's mama depended on me for the roof over her head. But Samantha was what they call spirited, always getting crazy ideas. Virginia don't have a rebellious bone in her body, so I know it wasn't her idea to get stupid and run off." 

Mike had lost it when the girls left and he'd been scared she'd go to the cops but Karli didn't think Virginia even remembered her life before coming to them. Karli endured many nights of Mike's anger while he hunted for Virginia and waited for the police to show up but nothing ever happened. 

"How long ago was this?" Jay asked. 

"Bout six or seven years ago now. Mike finally gave up after about a year and a bit, never mentioned the girl again. Guess he realized Virginia had no plans on sayin nothin." Karli shrugged. 

Erin considered the woman's words. It had been smart on her part to keep the kids home and out of the public eye but she felt for them basically being used as her slaves, helping to care for the motel. A pain swelled hearing that Shelby had called out for her at night and how Mike used fear and physical punishment to keep them all in line. She could feel anger bubbling up towards this woman for keeping Shelby captive here but she tamped it down, keeping herself focused on the details of what the woman said and leaving her emotions for another time. Right now they had to figure out where Shelby ran off to. She hoped Mouse would get a hit off of the name Virginia O'Neil. 

Jay pushed until he felt he had every last detail on Shelby's life. He kept looking at Erin, wondering if it was too hard for her to hear the sad story of how her sister had grown up isolated and abused, but her face remained expressionless and her eyes bore into the woman with a steadiness she reserved for the interrogation room. He was grateful he'd managed to turn the woman and get her to tell them everything but he was disappointed it wasn't going to get them any closer to finding Shelby. 

"Do you have any pictures of her?" Erin asked, finally speaking. 

"A couple," Karli sniffed. "In my room." 

"Take us there," Jay instructed. 

They followed Karli up the exterior stairs that led to the apartment above the lobby, watching her carefully. The apartment was small, kitchen and living area one room with two small bedrooms and a bathroom in the back. It was meant more for a couple then a family of six. The woman dug through some boxes that sat on a shelf below the tv while Jay watched her. 

Erin wandered down the hall and poked her head into each room. The kids room had two sets of bunk beds, a small closet and dresser. Erin wondered what bunk her sister had slept in, getting her answer when she noticed the wall of the lower left bunk was lined with sketches and paintings. Karli had said Shelby spent her free time painting and drawing. Erin sat down on the bed, running her hand over the faded comforter Shelby had spent her childhood sleeping under. She took a moment to admire each piece of art taped to the wall. Sunrise over the beach, wild flowers in a field, sketches of animals. Erin was in awe of her sister's talent. She remembered how much Shelby loved to colour as a child but had no idea she had such a gift. 

"You found her bed I see," Karli said from the doorway. The woman was still visibly shaken by Jay's threats. "She would have painted twenty four seven if I let her. Always had her head bent over that damn sketch pad. I'd find her painting at the most obscene hours. She'd climb up the fire escape to the roof and sketch the ocean when the sun came up and the sunset over the trees behind us. Stupid waste of time if you ask me but the girl got her work done and kept herself out of trouble which is more than I can say for the rest of them, so I just let her be."

Erin nodded, still captivated by the art. "Can we take these?" Erin asked, suddenly desperate to hold a piece of her sister. 

"Don't see why not. No good to me now anyway. Don't know why I haven't cleaned all this junk outta here, not like any of them little shits is coming back," she said bitterly but Erin heard the underlying sorrow and weariness in her voice. 

She refused to let it affect her. She would not see this woman as a victim, controlled by her husband and brother, and when they finally found Shelby Erin vowed to make sure each and every person involved would pay. 

She shook off the emotions and carefully pulled each picture from the wall and made her way back to the front room with Karli. Jay passed her a few worn photos and Erin had to work hard to keep from gasping at the sight of her sister staring up at her. All three pictures were take by the motel pool with combinations of Karli's other children or Samantha. She appeared to be about eight in one, looking much like Erin remembered her, her eyes were sad and she was the only one not smiling. In the second she was a young teen, hair cropped short and a shy look on her face. The last was the most recent, Karli said it was taken a few months before she left. She and Samantha were holding pool noodles. Someone must have said something funny as the picture was taken because both girls were laughing but Shelby's eyes were still sad. Erin couldn't stop looking at the picture. There was no question this was Shelby, the resemblance to both Erin and Lily was striking. Until now Erin hadn't been able to fully accept that Shelby was really alive but this photograph changed that. A lump formed in her throat. Sweet sensitive Shelby hadn't died all those years ago. She'd grown up in this sad worn through place then ran away with the help of her friend. 

"We need to find out where they went," Erin whispered not taking her eyes off Shelby's laughing face. 

Jay nodded. "I text Mouse Samantha's full name and sent him these pictures. He's incorporating it into his search."

Erin nodded in acknowledgment. If anyone could find her it would be Mouse.


	64. Chapter 64

An hour later Erin wanted to reach though the phone and kiss Mouse. 

"What do you have Mouse," Jay asked answering the phone. 

"It took some serious digging but I got you something. She doesn't seem to have any driver's license, credit cards or even a utility bill in her name in any state. Neither did this Samantha girl."

"They were probably worried this Mike asshole would track them down," Jay interjected. 

"I figured, so then I ran every combination of their names through every database and search engine I could find. I also scanned that picture into the facial recognition database and you'll never believe what I got a hit off of. I mean it's so off the beaten path... I really had to dig..." 

"Okay Mouse I get it, you're a genius just tell me what you found," Jay said impatiently. 

"There's a place called Seaside Art Gallery in North Carolina, in the Outer Banks. They run an art contest every year and encourage local artist to submit works of art. The winner gets their picture posted in the newsletter and on their website. Our girl won almost seven years ago. She changed her name but that's her face. Jay there's no way this isn't her," Mouse said with confidence. 

"Send me the photo," Jay ordered. 

"Already on it," Mouse replied. "You should see her art man. It's really good."

"Mouse," Jay barked getting his friend back on track. Jay's patience was wearing thin having listened to Karli's sob story. He wanted nothing more than to lock the woman up for her part in destroying Shelby's life. But they couldn't do that yet. Not until they found Shelby. He just wanted to move on to the next clue and find Erin's sister. He needed to end all of this for Erin. He needed to give Lily the loving family she deserved. 

"Yeah sorry. I searched their database. They required all artist to provide a mailing address on their registration form," Mouse explained. 

"You've got an address for her?"

"Not her no but the Samantha girl yes. She changed her last name too and they must have been posing as sisters. I checked and it seems like she's still there, its a place called Outer Banks Adventures," Mouse explained. 

"Text me the info, we've got a rental car, if we leave now we should be there by dinner time," Jay said, looking at his watch. 

"Will do."

"Pack up," he said to Erin as he hung up the phone. "We're heading out, I'll fill you in on the way." Jay didn't want to risk sharing what he learned from Mouse in front of Karli. 

When Erin left to grab their belongings from their room Jay took Karli by the arm and reminded her of what would happen to her if she told anyone they'd been there. But she didn't need the threat of jail time, she knew Mike would kill her before the cops could come and arrest her if she opened her mouth. 

/

"She can't get away with her part in everything," Erin said, breaking the silence as they drove out of town. Erin's distain for the woman was evident in her voice. 

"She won't," Jay agreed. "Let's just find Shelby first then when we know who all the players are Voight can coordinate with the local sheriff. I just can't believe Shelby didn't go to the cops when she finally left, and why she didn't try to leave sooner."

"She would have been terrified," Erin said looking at the pictures of Shelby in her lap again. "At first of Mike and his abuse. Our father was violent too. Shelby would cry and shake whenever he got going. She was shy and easily intimidated. And then as she got older she was probably scared of the world. They kept her so isolated she probably believed she couldn't survive outside that place. You heard Karli, she was convinced Shelby didn't even remember life before the motel."

"She remembered," Jay said, concentrating on the road ahead. 

"What? How can you know that babe?" 

"She changed her name when they moved to North Carolina," Jay said, glancing across at Erin as he drove. 

Erin looked at him waiting for him to elaborate, instead he handed her his phone. "Open the last picture Mouse sent me. It's from the local art gallery. They posted the name and picture of the winning artist."

Erin opened the text message and clicked on the picture. Shelby's face stared up at her, a spark of happiness in her eyes the other photos had been missing. Printed across the bottom was her name: Virginia Lindsay. 

Erin's hand flew over her mouth. 

"That's no coincidence Erin," Jay said, squeezing her leg. "She remembers."

Jay felt like hours had passed since he'd shown Erin the picture Mouse sent him. They hadn't said much in that time both lost in their thoughts. He couldn't imagine everything that was going though her head but he was filled with a overwhelming need to get to Outer Banks, he was thankful the interstate wasn't busy as he drove a little too fast up the coast. 

"I keep wondering how she's going to react when she sees me. I mean we know she remembers now, but it's been almost seven years since she ran away and there's no sign she tried to find me. Maybe she doesn't want to see me," Erin finally broke the silence. 

"I don't know Erin but we can reunite her with her daughter. I'm sure she will be happy about that," Jay tried to sound positive. 

"Yeah," Erin said looking back out the window. "I hope so."

It was mid evening when they navigated their way down the narrow two lane highway through the Outer Banks community Shelby lived in. The winter sun was setting fast but Erin took in the picturesque houses build to take in the ocean view. 

"Quite a different lifestyle here, wonder what one of these baby's rents for in the summer," Jay mused. 

Erin shook her head, "Probably way more than a couple of Chicago cops can afford. Besides I thought you were all rustic Wisconsin cabin not fancy beach house mansion," Erin teased. 

"I could get use to laying on a deck looking at a view like that," Jay said, pointing at the small waves crashing on the sandy beach. 

"Well I guess that's one small positive in all this," Erin said sardonically. "At lease Shelby doesn't have to deal with Chicago winters."

The parking lot of Outer Banks Adventures was empty and the business had been closed for several hours, operating on shorter hours during the winter. But there was an external set of stairs leading to a second floor and lights were shining in the windows. 

"Think there's an apartment up there?" Erin asked. 

"I do actually, would make sense if Samantha lived up here and used this as her address." Jay deducted. 

Samantha cautiously opened the door when they knocked. "Can I help you?" She asked suspiciously. 

Jay pulled out his badge. "We're detectives Halstead and Lindsay from Chicago. We were hoping you'd be able to help us locate this girl," Jay explained showing her the picture Mouse had sent him. 

Samantha looked at the picture, eyes going wide then up at Jay and Erin. Her hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. 

"Oh my god!" She exclaimed in shock. "You're her! It wasn't all a fantasy! You really do exist," Samantha exclaimed, tears forming in her eyes. "Wait, why are you here? What happened to Virginia? Where is she? Oh god please tell me I wasn't right!"


	65. Chapter 65

****

(Almost seven years ago) _It had taken her years but Samantha had finally convinced Virginia they were better off getting out of the shit hole of a motel and starting a life of their own. She would have left ages ago if she wasn't afraid of leaving her best friend here alone. Her life was much harder than Sam's having a violent alcoholic father to contend with. Virginia was hardly ever allowed to leave the motel property. Something Sam didn't understand given the way her siblings ran while around town._

_So when Virginia finally relented, Samantha pulled together months of online searching and years of dreaming and found them a place to start over. The day before they left Sam parked her noisy old junker in a lot down the street and stocked it with everything they'd need for their get away. She waited until their mothers left for bingo before heading across the courtyard to the O'Neil's apartment above the lobby. Knocking lightly, she let herself in._

_"What the hell do you want?" Mike had barked at her without looking away from the tv. Based on the number of discarded beer cans on the coffee table Sam knew he was already half in the bag._

_"Just come to get Vi, we're gonna watch a movie at my place," she explained nonchalantly. Thankfully Mike only grunted at her in response._

_Virginia emerged from her room at the sound of Sam's voice and the two girls headed out, ducking behind the building and down the alley to Sam's waiting car._

_Virginia's heart beat so hard she sore it was going to break through her ribs. Sam had to pull over not half a mile up the road so Virginia could be sick. But Sam had been right there, pulling her hair back and telling her it was going to be okay, they were finally free and going to live the life they had been dreaming and planning for years._

_And she'd been right. Virginia didn't know how she'd pulled it off but Sam discovered the most beautiful ocean side town full art and beauty for them to reinvent themselves in. They posed as sisters who's parents had died in a car crash and were looking for a fresh start. Virginia had insisted they change their last names, hoping no one from back home would find them. Sam still didn't understand Virgina's fear of Mike finding her. She figured the mean asshole would be happy to be rid of the girl who seemed to aggravate him just by existing._

_Sam found them jobs at a busy outdoor adventure company that tourist flocked to for a chance to drive alongside the wild horses that wandered the pristine beaches. She used the money they'd been squirrelling away for the last few years to pay first and last months rent on the three bedroom apartment above the store front. They spent their evenings exploring the quant beauty of the area. Virginia swore she'd never run out of things to paint here. But she couldn't help but keep looking over her shoulder and she began having nightmares._

_One night after a particularly bad one Sam managed to drag Virgina's story from her.  
Sam was shocked to hear Mike and Karli were not her real parents._

_"I think they gave me away. My daddy hated me so much. He was yelling and screaming at me so bad telling me I was useless and all kinds of awful things and then the next thing I remember I was being given to Mike and Karli."_

_Sam was heart broken for her friend. "Who is this Erin you keep calling out for in your sleep?"_

_Virginia smiled sadly then. "My big sister. She always tried to protect me but I think she though I was a pain in the butt, you know? I was always causing trouble for her. She got it way worse than me and it was always my fault. She took the blame on so many things just so I wouldn't get in trouble."_

_Sam had suggested they try to find Virginia's real family but she had outright refused, terrified it would only cause her more trouble. So Sam let it drop and encouraged Virginia to focus on her art, helping her convert the third bedroom into an art studio. It had helped. She poured everything she had buried inside her into painting. Sam had submitted some of Virginia's work to a local gallery and after she won first price they offered to display and sell some of her pieces. Virginia began to feel lighter, feeling validated and accepted for the first time in her life. Pouring her emotions into art helped her sleep better too._

_That's when she met him. He and his buddies had rented one of the massive cottages on the water for the summer. They'd come in to rent jeeps for the wild horse tours then come back to rent segways and then again for a kayak safari. Virginia had been manning the desk on all three occasions and Josh had openly flirted with her. Virginia's belly fluttered everytime he walked in the door but she was painfully shy and had no experience with men outside the beer guzzling neanderthals she grew up with. But Sam intervened on her behalf and somehow Virginia found herself on an awkward first date with the tall, dark haired Greek god. He'd kissed her that night, her first real kiss, and she felt like she'd floated off the ground._

_They spent the summer together, inseparable except when she had to work. For the first time in her life Virginia was truly happy, all but forgetting her fear of Mike finding her. Her art went from dark depiction of her past to the light and carefree emotions she felt falling in love for the first time. Josh was gentle and kind and loving, encouraging her to pursue her passion and didn't even laugh at her when he discovered he was her first love. He'd gone slow the night he took her virginity and held her close afterwards, whispering sweet promises in her ear until she fell asleep. It was the safest she'd ever felt._

_When fall came she swore her heart had been ripped clean from her chest. Josh had left to return to his life, promising he'd call and visit as often as he could but she never heard from him again. The number he'd given her was fake and when sympathetic Sam had tried to track him online she found nothing. Virginia felt dirty and used. She'd been someone's summer fling and all the sweet words had been nothing more than lies to get her into bed. She cried herself to sleep night after night until Sam had finally had enough and decided it was time for Virginia to stop letting some man ruin her life._

_Not two weeks later though Sam sat crying with her on the bathroom floor as she cradled the positive pregnancy test strip in her hands. Virginia was overwhelmed and terrified, not sure how she would cope with being a single mother. Once again Sam was her angel. Together they prepared for the baby, turning Virgina's art studio into a nursery and going with Virginia to prenatal classes. They'd tried again to find Josh but had no luck._

_Her anxiety over becoming a mother extended into other parts of her life and Virginia became paranoid the she was being stalked. She swore Mike was going to find her and kill both her and the baby. Sam tried to reassure her, they'd been gone for a over a year with no sign of any trouble coming their way, but Virginia wouldn't let it go._

_Shortly after the baby was born Virginia began talking about moving again. She was sure they weren't safe anymore. Sam came home one night to find the baby screaming and Virginia on the floor in a full on panic attack. She swore she'd seen Mike's old mustang slowly pass by the store several times that afternoon and was desperate to get away. It had taken some time but Sam had managed to calm her and reassure her it was probably just all the hormones and lack of sleep making her paranoid. She reassured her best friend they were safe and no one would hurt her or the baby here. She encouraged her friend to find time to paint, it had always calmed her before._

_Two days later Sam came home from her date with the new equipment manager to find the apartment empty. It was unusual for Virginia to have the baby out so late but it was such a warm evening and the sunset had been so beautiful Sam though perhaps she'd taken her advice, packed the baby up and gone to paint the red hues that streaked across the sky._

"She didn't come back," Sam said, tears falling freely now. "I looked everywhere for her, but couldn't find her. I called the police and told them she'd been scared but they said she probably just ran off with the baby and there was nothing to prove she'd been taken."

"But you don't think that's what happened?" Jay asked gently.

Samantha shook her head. "She took nothing with her. Not even the diaper bag, her wallet and everything was still here."

Sam got up then and disappeared into one of the bedrooms. She came back holding a framed picture. She looked at it with sad eyes before passing it to Erin.

Erin fought to keep the shake from her hands as she took the picture from Samantha. Hearing Shelby's story was astounding and devastating all at once. She felt herself loosing the battle with control and dangerously close to breaking her promise to be level headed though this. She turned the frame to look at the picture. Tears clouded her eyes making the image blurry but she fought hard to blink them back. Erin ran her thumb over the faces under the glass. A chubby cheeked, wide eyed baby girl looked up at her mother. Shelby's face was peaceful, a contentment in her eyes Erin hadn't seen in any of the other photos, and it was clear she adored her baby.

"She named her Lily," Samantha breathed through her tears. "And there isn't a day goes by I don't regret not believing her. I'm sorry," she gulped. "I'm sorry I didn't do more to keep your sister and niece safe."

Erin looked up at the heartbroken woman. They hadn't confirmed when Sam let them come in who they were to Virginia, not yet trusting the woman would help them. But Erin could see just how much Sam had loved her sister and she couldn't be angry with the girl. If it hadn't been for Sam, Shelby wouldn't have had her taste of freedom. Besides they didn't know for sure that Mike had come for her. There was still a possibility Shelby had in fact taken the baby and run. Erin ignored the voice of reason that told her Lily wouldn't have ended up being sold on the black market if that were the truth. But she was surprised whoever took Lily had kept her name the same. They either didn't think they'd be caught or were stupid.

"That's why she insisted on Lindsay right? You said her name was Detective Lindsay?" Sam asked, speaking to Jay before looking back at Erin. "Because you're her sister? You're Erin?"

Erin nodded, not trusting her voice yet.

"What is her name? Her real name? She wouldn't tell me, she wouldn't tell me where she was from either. I think she was scared I'd try to find you, I can get a little umm, enthusiastic about stuff like that," she laughed self depricaringly though her tears.

"Shelby," Erin said softly, "her name is Shelby. And we have to find her."

Sam shook her head, "Her? You mean them. Shelby and Lily."

"No just her, Shelby. We already know where Lily is. That's why we're here. We have to find Shelby and reunite her with her daughter."

 

 

 

 


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to again say thank you to everyone for sticking with me through sporadic updates and all the twists and turns. Your feedback has been amazing and so appreciated. So thank you for all the love xoxo

While Jay updated Voight and Mouse on everything they learned, Samantha took Erin to what had been the baby's room. After years with no word from her, and exhausting every way she could think of to search for her, Sam had to face the hard reality of trying to move on. She'd packed up all of her friend things and used the third bedroom to store it all, in case her friend did return. But she couldn't bring herself to leave the apartment or get rid of anything, not without knowing what happened to Shelby. So it sat collecting dust. Sam pulled open a box containing the sketches and paintings Shelby had done when they first moved to the Outer Banks. One by one she showed them to Erin. 

Erin felt the heavy sadness and loss in Shelby's works as she recognized image after image of their childhood. She paused, running her hand gently over a water colour depicting a little brown haired girl running in a field of dandelions. The card Shelby made Erin for her birthday came to mind instantly. Another image showed two young girls dressed as vets in a tree house nestled in the canopy of a rainforest jungle. Erin smile sadly. Playing vet to jungle animals was Shelby's favourite childhood game and the last thing they'd played together. Some pictures were more abstract, exploring emotion more than event. Red and black paint were angrily splashed and smudged across one canvas causing Erin to remember the drunken rages her father would go on. Another, done in greens and blues, seemed to convey sadness and loneliness. Erin didn't know a lot about art but she was blow away by Shelby's talent and ability to convey her feelings. 

"This box might make you smile a little," Sam offered, pushing another towards Erin. "She painted these while Josh was here."

Erin lifted several pieces out of the box to examine. You'd have to be blind not to see the artist of these paintings and drawings was in love. 

"I'd never seen her like that," Sam reminisced. "She was always so quiet and reserved but when she met Josh she changed. She held her head up, smiled all the time, I'd catch her dancing and singing along to the radio. And then it was gone. He was gone. Her heart was shattered. Neither of us saw it coming. I mean we knew he was going to leave but he kept talking about how they'd make it work long distance." 

"You don't know anything more about him?" Erin asked, knowing Jay would be having Mouse do his own search based on what Sam had told them. 

"No and I searched everything. He doesn't deserve to know Lily anyway, the way he left Vi, I mean Shelby, high and dry. I was so proud of her though. When the baby came, despite everything she'd been through, you could just see how much she loved Lily and how protective she was of her. Here," Sam passed another box to Erin. This small one fit in her hand. "Lily's birth certificate is in there and a beaded bracelet she's had forever. She said you made it for her and it was the only thing she had from before. She was wearing it the day they sent her away."

"She wasn't sent away," Erin gritted out. Where she'd once been afraid of her father now she only felt anger towards him. She hoped to hell he was still locked up because it was his only protection from what she'd like to do to him for what he did to Shelby and by extension Lily. 

Erin wasn't one to share her story with strangers but Sam had known and loved Shelby. She needed Sam to know the truth. So she told her about the night Erin thought Shelby died as she thumbed the faded beads of the bracelet between her fingers. 

Erin still remembered when she made the bracelet in her first grade art class. She'd brought it home, proud of the pretty pattern she'd made with the beads. Their father had been in one of his moods that night and Erin struggled to keep Shelby quiet. She'd promised her emotional sister that if she was quiet she could have the bracelet. Shelby had been eyeing it all evening and was eager to have it so she worked hard to be quiet and still. Erin didn't remember Shelby ever taking it off after that. 

Erin closed and opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt like she was drowning in memories. Memories she'd spent most of her life trying not to think about. 

She set the bracelet aside with the artwork and picked up the envelope containing Lily's birth certificate. They had finally found Lily's beginning. All the questions about where she came from were getting answered now. Lily was born in April, putting her birthday between hers and Jay's but the year surprised Erin. They had assumed she was six based on what Lily had told them but Erin could now confirm they tiny girl was only five. Erin's jaw clenched in anger. Stacey was so out of it she couldn't even keep track of how old Lily was. But at least they could right that now. Erin vowed to make Lily's birthdays everything her own weren't, filled with love and happiness. 

She wondered how Lily was doing today. They hadn't been able to go to the hospital to tell Lily they would be away for a few days but the staff had promised to let her know. She wanted to find Shelby so they could go home and hug the tiny girl and give her a mother who clearly loved her. Erin's chest tightened thinking about reuniting Shelby and Lily and she found herself missing Lily more than she anticipated. 

"How is she?" Sam asked, referring to Lily. "And how on earth did you find her and not Shelby?"

Erin sat back against the wall and told Sam the story of how they found Lily. 

/

Jay stood from the couch and began pacing the floor, running his fingers aggressively across his forehead. "You're sure? You're absolutely sure Mouse? Because if I tell her this and you're wrong..."

"Jay I'm sure. I checked and rechecked. Voight's right here, he saw it too," Mouse affirmed wearily. 

Jay heard muffled sounds over the line before Voight's voice came on. "She won't take this well Halstead, being her home, make some excuse."

Jay shook his head forgetting his Sargent couldn't see him. "She'll want to go there and we're a lot closer from here." Jay let out a sigh. "There's no way it's someone else? We're sure about this?" 

"One hundred percent," Voigh said firmly. There was silence on the line then Voight spoke again. "Jay," he said, his voice softening to a tone Jay rarely heard. "Just be straight with her, and call me with an update. And don't let her do anything stupid," his voice returned to the commanding tone Jay was use to at the end. 

"Of course," Jay replied. He ignored the wave of nausea as he hung up the phone. He knew from the start there was a strong possibility this is where they'd end up but he hadn't anticipated he'd be the one to have to tell her.


	67. Chapter 67

She knew. 

She knew by how he'd been out there in the living room talking in hushed voices on the phone for far to long. 

She knew by the way he approached the door to the bedroom, hesitant and light foooted like he was afraid to step on something that would blow up in his face. 

She knew by the tortured look he had on his face, the one he got whenever he had to tell someone something they didn't want to hear, like it tore his heart out to be the one to shatter their world. 

She remembered back to when they'd talked about his time in the army and how the hardest part for him had been facing the survivors. Telling the loved ones he came home without their husband, father, son. He'd gotten the look in his eyes just talking about those memories and she could see it in his eyes now. 

She had to look away. 

She could feel it building in her belly, the need to scream, lash out, refuse whatever words were about to come out of his mouth. She didn't want to hear them, didn't want it to be true. 

She'd been confused and scared when she thought Shelby died when they were kids. They'd had to run that night and Bunny changed, confusing Erin further. Bunny pretended their life before didn't exist so Erin did too. Then Bunny started using drugs, going out more, coming home with strange men, leaving Erin to fend for herself and then later care for Teddy too. Erin had no choice but to bury all her grief and guilt and she'd carried it all these years. 

Now it threatened to come up in a violent explosion. But when she forced herself to look back up into Jay's pain filled eyes the lid clamped firmly down on her emotions. 

She pulled herself up from the floor and took deliberate steps towards Jay, her eyes never leaving his. She wouldn't let him do this. She couldn't. He'd done so much for her, she couldn't stand here and watch him do the one thing that tortured him the most.   
So instead she wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his shoulder. 

"Don't say it," her muffled whisper reached his ears.

"Erin," Jay pleaded. He had a hard enough time getting this out without her denial. 

"No, I know what you're going to say, you don't have to. It's okay. I understand." She said squeezing him tighter. 

He tightened his grip around her, grateful that once again she could read him so well but also heart broken for her. Loosing her little sister was hard enough the first time but to have to do it twice...

"What's going on," Sam asked, getting to her feet. 

Erin took a breath and untangled herself from Jay's comforting embrace. 

"Sam I'm sorry," Jay began on a shaky breath, but Erin put her hand on his chest where his heart threatened to thump right out from under his ribs. 

"Shelby's dead," Erin interrupted, her steady voice betraying the angry grief screaming inside her. 

Sam's body jerked backward before she dropped down into the only chair in the room, her head falling forward into her hands. Erin stood immobilized watching as sobs shook Sam's body, barely registering Jay's warm hand running up and down her back. Erin felt like she'd left her body, the emotions were too much, and she was now observing the whole scene from behind a window like a cold and feelingless outsider. 

"I'm sorry," Sam gulped trying to calm herself. "I mean in the back of my mind I knew but I just didn't want it to be true."  
Her eyes darted between Jay and Erin. "How? When? How did you find out so quickly?"

Jay rubbed his palm across the back of his neck. He didn't know what was causing him more anxiety, Sam's dramatic display of grief or Erin's determination to show none. He felt Erin's soothing touch on his arm, the irony that she was comforting him made him upset with himself. "It's something we should have done earlier really, but I guess no one thought of it, or didn't want to think of it. There are samples of Erin and Lily's DNA and our Sargent got permission from DCFS to run Lily's along with Erin's against the Jane Doe database yesterday." He explained. Erin hadn't missed the part where Hank neglected to get Erin's permission to run her DNA but he'd probably assumed she'd flip out over the idea. She wouldn't have and it made her sad thinking he still didn't trust her to be reasonable even when she was hurting. Erin tried to let it go as she listened to Jay explain to Sam what had happened.

"When someone dies but can't be identified a sample of their DNA is put into a database and linked to a case file. The file contains whatever information police are able to collect from the body."

"So what did they find out about Shelby? Was she.. was she murdered?" Sam stammered out. 

Jay nodded sadly, "Cause of death is listed as affixiation due to strangulation but we'll have to wait until tomorrow to know more, when our Sargent can contact the Berks County Sheriff department and we can look at the file."

"Is that where she is?" Erin asked tentatively. 

"Yeah, in Pensilvania." Jay confirmed. "We'll head up there in the morning. Voight will call ahead of us and get all the details. He's also going to try and get them to run anything they might have collected against Mike's DNA."

"You mean there's proof he did it? All this time?" Sam stormed. 

"Maybe, it depends on a lot of things," Erin said trying to calm Sam down. "We don't know how they found her body and if there was any evidence to collect but if there is then we can test it against his DNA." 

"But wouldn't they have done that before?" Sam was visibly confused. 

"They would have ran it against any known offenders in the system. But we know Mike's DNA wasn't on file at the time."

"But it is now?" Sam asked. 

Erin and Jay exchanged a look. It was probably best they didn't tell Sam they'd collected samples of both Karli and Mike's DNA on the sly when they were at the Ocean Queen. They'd have to wait until they were back in Chicago to run them since they hadn't exactly followed protocol on this one. 

 

/

At Sam's insistence they'd spent the night. She felt numb and empty and completely exhausted but sleep only found Erin in short spurts. She spent most of the night staring at the dark ceiling in the room her sister had briefly called home and listening to Jay's steady breathing. She was grateful he slept though since one of them needed to be alert enough to make the long drive north in the morning. 

Sam rose early with them for an emotional goodbye. She'd written down Erin's address, wanting to send Shelby's art and valuable for Erin to give to Lily. The thought made Erin's heart clench tighter again. She didn't want to think about telling Lily they'd found her real mother and she was dead too. 

Jay reached across the centre console of the car and lay his hand on Erin's leg. "How you doing? We've been driving for a couple hours now, you need a break? Some food?" He asked tenderly. 

He knew she hadn't slept well and had eaten just enough to keep him from worrying the last couple days. He could feel the tension in her body but she hadn't yet given into the grief or even anger he knew she was feeling. He was worried about her keeping everything bottled up for too long. 

"I'm okay," she said lacing her fingers though his. Jay looked away from the road briefly and Erin made eye contact with him. She attempted to smile reassuringly but he could still see the exhaustion and sadness in her eyes. 

"You sure?" He asked, stroking her thumb with his. 

She nodded. "It's a lot, but I'm okay, I promise."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Will and I tried to start our own dog walking business?" He began, hoping a tale about the antics he and his brother got up to would at least lighten her mood for a little while. 

It worked, one goofy story led to another and soon Erin was laughing at the stupidity he, his brother and cousins had gotten up to as kids. 

"I honestly can't wait to meet them," Erin laughed. "Although I'm not sure I'll be able to keep a straight face now when I do." 

Jay laughed with her, taking in how beautiful she looked when she laughed. He squeezed the hand he hadn't let go of all morning, wishing he could pull her closer, wishing he could kiss her soft lips. Impulse took over and he pulled the car into a service station at next interstate exit. 

"We need gas again already?" Erin asked leaning her head over to check the gauges. 

"No, we need something more important."   
Jay unbuckled his belt and bent towards her, cupping her cheek and kissing her deeply. Her eyes went wide with surprise but she quickly sunk into his kiss, slipping her free hand across her waist to unbuckle her belt so she could angle into him more. She smiled against his lips before sliding her hand up around his neck and into his hair, pulling him even closer. And for a few moments all the weight lifted off her shoulders. 

/

Erin stood at the foot of the grave marked only by the brick with small numbers stamped into it. The winter wind whistled through the tress and light snow swirled around her. She could feel Jay's presence even though he stood a few steps behind and to her right, giving her a minute alone with her sister. The cemetery manager, Mr. Wright, stood a descreet distance from them, having driven them over to Shelby's resting place himself. 

Their visit to the Burks County Sheriff had been productive. Whatever Hank said over the phone to them Erin didn't know but she and Jay had been warmly welcomed and Shelby's file was waiting for them on the Sheriff's desk. He informed them that the evidence box had been ordered up from storage as it contained finger nail scrapings and hair and fibre samples collected from the body. He assured them they would be tested again since there were always new advancements in DNA testing and the results would be shared with them to compare against any suspect DNA the Chicago PD might have. 

It only took a few minutes to read through Shelby's file since they hadn't had much luck solving her case. A hiker's dog had discovered her body in French Creek State Park, a short distance from the main trails. She had been there a few days, wrapped in a tarp. Shelby appeared to have been killed elsewhere and dumped there. The bruising on her neck suggested she'd been strangled. She had defensive wounds on her body suggesting she'd put up a fight with her assailant. Her clothes matched the description Sam had given of what she last saw Shelby wearing. But there was nothing in the report to indicate there had been a baby at the scene, leading Jay and Erin to believe Mike had something to do with Lily being sold. 

They thanked the Sheriff and headed out to the cemetery where they were expected, Hank of course having already contacted them as well. After a short meeting Mr. Wright took them out to the grave site, where Erin now stood trying absorb that it was Shelby laying under the layers of snow grass and dirt. 

"She shouldn't be here," Erin turned and spoke to Jay. "Cold, alone, where no one even knows her let alone loves her."

Mr. Wright stepped forward at her words. "It can be difficult for families when they realize their loved one has been placed to rest under these circumstances. I spoke with your Sargent Voight and explained the legal requirements to have an interned body claimed and moved. He assured me he would start the process if that brings you any comfort."

Erin nodded. "Of course he did," she mumbled under her breath but she wasn't angry this time with Hank for being one step ahead in her messy llife without consulting her. This time she was grateful he was helping. 

With nothing else to do in Burks county, and unable to bring Shelby home with her now, Erin was anxious to get back to Chicago. They booked an early evening flight home. Erin stared out the window watching as the plane gained speed and lifted off the tarmac. The last few week she felt like she'd run a dozen marathons. Since they discovered Lily she'd been consumed by a compulsion to know every detail of where she came from. She had no idea investigating Lily's past would lead her here, to the knowledge that Shelby had lived a whole life, even more heart breaking than the one that had been stolen from her, only to end up having that stolen from her too. 

Erin had no labels to define the multitude of crushing emotions she'd experienced through all this. She only knew that now, watching the ground disappear below her, she felt like she'd left something behind, something she was sure she wouldn't be able to settle without. A piece of her she'd lost long ago had been found, dangled in front of her, only to be snatched away again. She needed to bring Shelby home, whatever hoops she had to jump through. 

Erin took one last look at the ground. "You'll be home soon," she whispered then settled her head against Jay's warm shoulder.


	68. Chapter 68

They walked into the funeral home, Jay holding Erin's hand a little too tightly. She ran her thumb over his knuckles hoping to ease some of the tension that had been building in him all morning in anticipation of seeing his father. She was grateful she could give him just a small piece of the support he'd given her over the last weeks, hell, years. 

They'd fallen into bed when they arrived home last night emotionally and physically exhausted. Jay had wrapped himself around her and she fell into a deep dreamless sleep, her mind needing a break from trying to hold everything in and being the strong together partner she'd promised she'd be through their cross country trek to find Shelby. 

This morning she stood under the hot spray of the shower coaching herself to turn it all off. To focus on Jay and his family today. She asked him over breakfast how he was feeling about today but he shrugged and said he was more concerned with how she was doing. The tension in his shoulders now and the grip he had on her hand said otherwise. 

"Hey Princess, Freckles!" Will greeted them loudly when he caught sight of them. Erin bit the inside of her cheek, hating the cocky way he addressed her and Will winked at her. He knew she would let the nickname slide here, too concerned with making a good impression on the Halstead clan. 

"Ok I assume you're Princess but how have I not heard Jay being called freckles before?" An older woman who had been talking with Will asked, amused. 

Will introduced Erin to their Aunt Helen's best friend Mavis. She went wide eyed when Will referred to her as Jay's girlfriend, making Erin feel uncomfortable. 

"I'm sorry dear, its just this is a first. In all the years I've known Jay he's never brought a girl around. It's a real pleasure to meet you," she said cheerfully, clasping Erin's hand between both of hers. "Now do you know anything about this Freckles name?" 

"Oh it's a good story," Erin chuckled. 

"Well now seems a good time for some lightheartedness doesn't it? Thomas would not be impressed with all these sullen faces on his behalf." Mavis egged Erin on. 

Jay cringed. He hadn't even got Erin through the front doors and he was already getting thrown under the bus. To think there were still hours left of this day to go, time that would no doubt include a run in with his father. He didn't want that man anywhere near Erin after everything she'd been though the last few days. Hell, he didn't even want to be near him. They hadn't parted on good terms when his mother died and he had nothing he wanted to say to the man now. But he was getting side tracked by thoughts of his father yet again today and that annoyed him. He was here to support his aunt and cousins, pay his respects and use it as a low key way of finally introducing Erin to everyone. He just hoped they didn't scare her off. 

"Actually," Jay interrupted, "if you don't mind Erin hasn't met anyone yet so I'd like to take her around and pay my respects to Aunt Helen," Jay said, shooting Will a death glare for instigating trouble and tugging Erin away. 

"Of course love, I should go check everything is the way your aunt wanted it for the service but I'm going to find you later dear and you can tell me that story," she said giving Erin's arm an affection squeeze.

"But it's my story," Will pouted. 

Erin snorted. "Come on cry baby, you can help me tell her later. Come make me look good in front of your family." She said letting on a bit of her nervousness. 

"You won't need any help with that, Princess. They already love you, the way Jay talks you up." 

Erin looked up at Jay a bit surprised. He talked to them about her? She didn't know when since she barely recalled him spending time with his family. He had mentioned a few emails and phone calls with his cousins but that was it. 

"Don't worry," Jay leaned in and whispered. "It was all good, no mention of your messy bathroom habits or snoring," he winked at her. 

"I do not snore!" Erin protested quietly. 

Jay just chuckled, "Believe whatever you need to babe."

"Actually I'm surprised you let this hooligan share your bed at all. Clearly he's finally managed to master the Halstead charm and has you fooled. Don't worry we'll correct that before the days out!" 

Erin turned to see who was ribbing on her man and looked up into a pair of deep blue eyes and a cocky grin so similar to Jay's it made her heart flutter. He was a hair taller than Jay, shoulders slightly narrower, though he appeared in excellent shape, his hair was a shade darker and straighter and his skin was free of the freckles Erin adored, but she'd bet her badge this was one of Jay's infamous cousins. She had only seen pictures of them as children but the resemblance both in looks and mannerisms was undeniable. 

"Ryan Halstead," he announced, confidently sticking his hand out, "you must be the incredible Erin we've heard so much about. You were definitely right about the beautiful part cuz." Ryan winked at Erin. She felt a hot flush creeping up her cheeks and her throat dried of embarrassment. 

"You're an ass Ry, a hand shake? Really? Is that anyway to make the girl feel welcome?" Another male voice piped in. Before she could have a good look at the new arrival Erin felt herself being turned and pulled into a bear hug, her head pressed against the hard chest of another man. "Welcome to the family, Erin. I'm Mark. Although by the end of this you'll probably be running as far away as you can," he smiled sardonically making Erin think Mark wasn't all that happy to be back amongst his kin. 

"Don't listen to my little brother, Erin" Ryan said pinning his brother with a look. 

Erin looked back up at Mark. He was the shortest of the four boys but it was evident in the way his dress shirt tugged across his chest he spent his life doing very physical work. His hair was auburn in colour, and his features more closely resembled Will's. His hazel eyes didn't sparkle with the same mischief his brother's or Will's did but he was just as confident and genuine in his welcoming of her. He seemed to have some sad and dark secrets buried behind those eyes and there was a palpable tension between him and his brother. 

Erin looked over at Jay. His skin was a bit flushed, likely from the embarrassment of the show his family was making of him bringing her and he shifted awkwardly. She slipped her hand into his. She didn't like seeing her confident partner off his footing. She wanted to be here to support him but regretted that her presence was making things uncomfortable for him. Jay seemed to sense her regret and pulled her into his side, smiling warmly at her and placing a chase kiss on her forehead. His actions reassured her that he indeed wanted her here. She straightened herself up and found her voice. It wasn't like her to let a bunch of over confident boys throw her off like this. 

"It's nice to finally meet you both. Will and Jay have told me so many stories and I'm so sorry for your loss," she said sincerely. Both Mark and Ryan nodded their accepted her condolences. 

"We're not allowed to be sad today, mom's orders. She said dad would be disgusted if the people came here to do anything besides have a drink and a few laughs in his name," Ryan explained. 

Mark nodded. "It will be way more than a drink with this family," he corrected his brother but ignored the warning look Ryan shot him and continued. "Stories huh? Somehow I bet you've only heard the ones that make us look bad, I'm sure I've got a few that could set the record straight on these two butt heads," Mark said pointing between Jay and Will. 

Ryan nodded enthusiastically. "Have you heard about Jay's nickname yet?"

"Oh I already beat you to that one," Will bragged. 

"Okay well what about Will's first date? Now that's a story that will forever change the way you see the good doctor here," Mark said slyly, while Jay and Ryan snickered. 

"Oh no," Will protested. "This is not the time or place for that. Besides Erin's a lady, we wouldn't want to offend her sensibilities."

This made Erin laugh. "Ha, have you forgotten who I work with and what I do? There's nothing here to be offended. Tell me!" She said, encouraging Mark to go on and giving Jay a look, letting him know she was disappointed he'd been holding out on her. 

Jay just shrugged in apology and slipped his arm around her shoulder. "So many stories, I can't tell them all at once! Got to save some for when we retire and are sitting out on our rocking chairs." He teased. 

Mark began and the five laughed as Will continued to protest and interrupt Mark's telling of the embarrassing tale. 

"Should have known the four of you wouldn't have the sense god gave you to act appropriately at my only brother's funeral," a gruff voice boomed. Mark and Ryan sobered and turned, as Jay's whole body became stiff, and Erin was able to watch Patrick Halstead stomp towards them. 

"Uncle Pat, Mom will be happy you're here, she's anxious to get the service started," Ryan greeted his uncle and tried to diffuse the situation. 

"Anxious to get it over with and get to her bridge club no doubt," he spit at them. Mark's face went red at the insult to his mother and Will placed a firm hand on his shoulder to stop him from lunging at his uncle. Instead Mark shook off Will's hand and stormed away. 

"I see you turned up, but that's what you do best right? Show up after they're dead," Patrick insulted Will. 

"Gee, nice to see you too Pop," Will said without affect. 

"And you, bringing a flousy to a private family affair. Thought that was more your brother's mo. What? No longer think you're better than the rest of us?" Patrick looked Erin up and down with disgust. She held her chin high, she'd dressed appropriately and respectfully for the occasion and she would not let this mean man make her feel like she didn't belong at Jay's side. Especially when the rest of his family had been so welcoming. 

Jay's posture straightened even more if possible and the look of anger in his eyes had Erin nervous she wouldn't be able to stop him from going too far for the first time since she'd known him. She knew Jay was protective of her, hell she still remembered the day early in their partnership he'd beaten the crap out of a pervert simply for cat calling at her. She had no idea what he'd do now given the years of resentment and anger he already had bottled up towards his father. "This is Erin. And she's the woman I intend on spending the rest of my life with so I'd watch your mouth the next time you speak about her," Jay threatened between gritted teeth. 

"You ungrateful little shit," Patrick began. 

"That's enough!" A woman snapped, interrupting him. "Patrick Halstead if you so much as say another unkind word at my husband's funeral I'll have these boys toss your insolent ass out on the side walk, I don't care if he was your brother. I won't have you ruin his celebration with your barefaced ignorance and contemptuous behaviour. Now go pay your respects so we can begin the service." Helen commanded, pointing Patrick in the direction of his brother's casket. Patrick glared at her for a few moments before pushing past Will in the direction Helen had motioned. 

Helen was a striking woman, even in her early sixties, and Erin liked her instantly. She was tall and thin with soft curves and jet black hair she cut in a stylish bob. Her face was kind and full of emotion. She took a moment to collect herself then turned back towards Erin. 

"I'm sorry dear, you'll have to forgive my brother in law. He's a miserable old fart. Please don't let his behaviour affect your opinion of the rest of us. Especially Jay, my boys tell me he's quite sweet on you and you won't find a better man this side of Lake Michigan." Helen asserted and pulled Erin into a hug. 

Erin nodded reassuringly, "Thank you and don't worry, I won't. And I'm so sorry for your loss," Erin voice was muffled against the older woman's shoulder. 

"I'm just sorry it took so long for us to meet and sorry you couldn't have met my husband," she smiled sadly. "He's nothing like his brother. Was, I guess it's was now," her attempt to cover her obviously grief at loosing her husband slipped causing Jay to step forward and place a hand on her arm, beating his brother and cousin to the reassuring gesture. But Helen quickly composed herself. "I'm sorry dear. I promised Thomas I wouldn't cry at his funeral, that we would have a grand celebration, but I'm having a bit of trouble with that."

"It understandable, Jay said you were happily married a long time and his death was unexpected," Erin consoled. 

Helen nodded. "Yes and the last few nights in that house have been awful, even with the boys coming home. It's too big, too empty without his personality filling it up."

"I told you, sell it, quit your depressing job at the hospice and move to Florida. You'll have all the bachelors chasing you around trying to wine and dine you." Mavis interrupted wrapping her arm around her friend. Helen waved her ridiculous notion off but smiled at her friends attempt to lighten the mood. Mavis whispered they were ready to begin and led her grieving friend into the chapel. 

"Ready to run yet?" Jay whispered as he lead Erin though the doors his aunt had just gone. The last half hour had been quite the circus, and they still had the service and wake to get through. 

"No," Erin whispered back. "Never." 

Jay slipped his hand back into hers, reassured by her confident answer.


	69. Chapter 69

Mark hadn't been wrong about how freely the alcohol flowed at Thomas Halstead's wake. Erin had been around enough funerals to know the kind of send off the Irish gave someone, and Thomas' kin lived up to her expectations. The chatter was loud, drowning out the music playing in the pub and jovial stories of Thomas' life were being shared while the beer flowed freely and platters of food were emptied and refilled at a rate even Erin was impressed with. 

Jay was somewhat subdued, keeping an eye on his father and keeping them strategically on the opposite end of the pub. He laughed quietly at the tales being told and had barely finished his one pint while most were on round four or five. She'd caught him glancing at his watch more than once. The large crowd seemed to make him uneasy. She kept close to his side in a show of steady support but at some point Erin found herself being pulled away and into an empty booth by Mavis. 

"Are you enjoying yourself dear? Had something to eat?" The older woman fussed. 

"Yes thank you." 

"Good. Thomas would have loved this, everyone laughing. Sad faces were not what he wanted. I heard Patrick was his usual asinine self towards you. Please don't pay him any mind, he's like that with everyone. You're more than welcome here. It's nice to see Jay settled and happy. Poor boy's been through more than his share." Mavis said clasping Erin's hand. 

Erin glanced back in Jay's direction. He was laughing at something Ryan had said but met her eyes, silently asking if she needed him to come rescue her. Erin smiled and minutely shook her head no. She was enjoying getting this glimpse into Jay's family even if it was under sad circumstances. She hoped Mavis would say more about what Jay had been through. But the woman changed gears. 

"Now, tell me about freckles," Mavis said, drawing Erin's attention back to her. 

"Well I'm sure Will can do the story more justice than I can," Erin began. 

"What story is that?" Helen asked, scooting into the booth beside Mavis. 

"Erin here was just about to tell me why it is that Will calls Jay freckles," Mavis explained, a conspiratorial smirk on her face. 

"Oh my! How have you not heard this story?" Helen laughed. "Oh gosh that was a day, you should have seen Katherine's face. I swear I though she was gonna drown her boys in the river, they'd taken their antics one step to far that day. Can you imagine? Quiet Kathrine all worked up, face beet red." Helen chuckled at the memory. 

"You were there?" Erin asked, trying to sound less interested than she really was. She couldn't help herself, hearing Helen mention Jay's mother. The boys rarely spoke of Kathrine, both becoming sad at the mention of her name, and Erin was desperate for any insight into what she'd been like. 

"Oh yes," Helen nodded. "Poor Kathrine had her hands full with those two and Pat didn't make it any easier for her."

"Well don't hold out on us woman! Tell us the story," Mavis insisted. 

Jay got an uneasy feeling everytime he glanced over at Erin. His aunt and Mavis were huddled in a booth with her, likely filling Erin's head with god know what ideas. He needed to put an end to it before they undid all the progress he'd made with her and sent her running scared again. They were probably planning weddings and babies and had Erin looking for the exits. But then Erin's head tiled back in laughter and he couldn't help the smile that spread across his own face. After all the stress and grief she'd been through these last few weeks it was so good to see her smile. It was absurd it was at a funeral but trust the Halstead's to find a reason to drink to much and laugh to loud. 

But as good as seeing her laugh was he knew she had a whole lot of grief and anger bottled up that she needed to process and release. He fluctuated between being proud of her for refusing to drink today and worried it meant she was holding on to her control a little too tightly. Jay let go a slow breath. He was exhausted both physically and emotionally from their trip and from trying to avoid his father. He knew if they crossed paths again there'd be nothing Aunt Helen or anyone else could say to stop the violent exposition that would ensue. He couldn't let that happen here and disrespect his uncle's memory or his aunt that way. And he didn't want Erin caught up in the ugliness. Erin laughed again, distracting Jay. God she was beautiful. 

"You are so in trouble," Ryan laughed clapping Jay on the shoulder. 

Jay looked over at him unapologetically. He was long past the being in trouble stage, having already accepted the fact that Erin owned his heart. 

"She's really the one?" Ryan asked soberly. 

"She is." There was no hesitation in Jay's answer. 

"And what about this business with her niece? You still want me to look into her options?"

"Yeah actually, and it's a bit more urgent now." Jay explained what they'd found out on their trip to South Carolina. 

"Man that's a rough deal," Ryan said sympathetically when he heard the rest of the story. 

Jay nodded. He wanted to get a jump on things for when Erin finally accepted that she would, correction, that they would be raising Lily now. Ryan could help them do that. 

/

They were laughing far to much now and Jay needed to know why. He crossed the room in a few strides. "What kind of nonsense are you filling my girls head with over here?" He asked the women who had been such a huge part of his upbringing. 

"We were just telling Mavis how you ended up getting caught for mooning Father Paul and the women's church auxiliary," his aunt said casually. 

"I didn't know they would all be there! The bet was to moon the girls soccer fundraiser. Will said nothing about Father Paul and the rest being there!!" Jay protested. But he smiled remembering he'd given Will a black eye as payment for setting him up like that. 

"Your poor mother," Mavis piped up. "Imagine having to explain how she knew it was her son.... because she recognized all the freckles on your..."

"Okay ladies I think that's enough for today," Jay said, trying to tug Erin out of the booth. He knew she already knew the story but that didn't mean he wanted to hear it all again. But Erin shook her head defiantly. 

"I'm not ready to go." She stared Jay down until he relented and scooted in beside her. If they were going to embarrass him to Erin, he'd at least be here to try and minimize the damage. 

"She would have loved you!" Helen announced, affection gleaming in her eyes as she looked at Erin. "Don't you think Mavis?"

"Yes you're right. You're mother would be very proud of you Jay. Not just for choosing such a lovely girl but for the fine policeman you've become," Mavis added proudly. Jay appreciated her praise but she'd always been a kind and supportive friend to his family. Besides the only person in the room who's praise he'd ever wanted Jay knew he'd never get. But there he was letting his father in his head again. "Now help me convince your aunt to move to Florida." Mavis pleaded. 

"I don't want to move to Florida! Not without Thomas. This is my home," Helen protested. 

"But you can't maintain that big old house by yourself and the boys have no plans on coming home. And it's about time you retired. You work far to hard. Thomas made sure you'd be taken care of so do right by him." 

"And do what Mavis? Knit sweaters for the grandchildren my boys don't seem to be in a hurry to give me? And where do you propose I live?"

"In a condo like I do, I'm telling you it's so nice not to have to worry about anything since Jeffery passed," Mavis countered, a sad smile crossing her face as she spoke of her late husband. 

"Where do you work now?" Erin asked trying to take some pressure off of Helen. 

"Loving hands hospice in Edson park. I'm a nurse. Use to work in paediatrics when the boys were growing up. But when Katherine got sick I took some time off to help care for her and after she left us a job offer came up there that I couldn't say no to."

"Don't know how you couldn't say no. Watching old people die is depressing." Mavis said with a shake of her head. 

"Mavis! Don't be so crude. We all deserve to go peacefully and with dignity." Helen admonished. 

"Not me, just take me out back and shoot me when it's time." Mavis said dismissively. 

Helen shook her head. "I'm in no place to talk about loosing you today on top of everything else," she chastised her friend. 

Mavis apologized and hugged her friend. Jay and Erin sat quietly watching the two friends banter. At some point Jay's hand had found Erin's under the table and he'd placed their intertwined fingers in his lap. 

"Anyway we shouldn't bother these love birds with our pathetic stories. You need to get out of here Jay. You've done your duty, paid your respects and all that. Go have some fun with this lovely girl." Helen instructed. 

"Aunt Helen," Jay began to protest.

"No I won't have it. I won't have you sitting round here any longer looking over your shoulder to make sure your father isn't coming to mess with you. You pay no mind to that old man. He's got no hold over you now. You live your life the way you want and be proud. You're a good boy." Helen said sternly. 

Erin couldn't help but smile at Helen. It made her feel good knowing that despite his tumultuous relationship with his father Jay had grown up surrounded by a loving family. 

"Actually if you really don't mind we should get going. Erin has an appointment at the hospital," Jay hedged. 

"Are you ill?" Helen asked with concern. 

"No, no nothing like that. My niece is and well, it's complicated but long story short I have to meet with her workers to figure out what happens next for her."

"Oh is this the girl Ryan was telling me about? The one who you found in that basement?" Helen asked. 

Erin looked over at Jay surprised. He hadn't mentioned he'd told his cousin about Lily. 

"I asked him to look to some legal things, didn't think you'd want the state making all the decisions about her care," Jay explained to Erin. He wasn't completely lying, that had been part of what he asked of Ryan. He just didn't think now was the time to get into the rest. 

Erin nodded at Jay, seemingly satisfied with his answer and turned back to Helen. "Yes I haven't seen her since before we left," Erin explained. 

"Well don't let me keep you then dear. It was lovely to finally meet you. Please don't let Jay be a stranger. He works way to hard and we miss him," Helen said rising to her feet. She and Mavis gave both Jay and Erin warm hugs. 

They made their way through the crowd saying their goodbyes and when they finally got outside Jay breathed a sigh of relief. He'd survived a confrontation with his father relatively unscathed and Erin was still by his side after meeting his crazy family. There wasn't much more he could ask of this day.


	70. Chapter 70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long hiatus. My life has been extremely busy of late and finding time to write has been difficult. I do intend to finish both this story and Won't Happen Again so I appreciate your patience while I juggle everything on my plate. 
> 
> Just want to take a second to thank you for your continued support. Although I've tried to connect with everyone who's left a review or messaged me, many of you are sweet enough to leave reviews as 'guests' and I don't get the opportunity to let you know how good your notes make me feel. So thank you! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! Looking forward to your feedback. Xoxo

He shouldn't have counted his blessing so quickly. 

The car ride over to the hospital had been routine enough aside from Erin's probing Jay to talk about his feeling at seeing his dad and how he was coping with his uncle's death. He didn't have much to give her there. Of course he was sad his uncle had passed and had confirmed his resentment and anger towards his father hadn't dimmed any since he'd last seen him but there was nothing there he felt was worth discussing. It was what it was and he was glad the funeral was over. He knew he'd see his cousins again before they returned to their lives outside of Illinois and would make sure to check in on his aunt in the coming weeks, but he wouldn't miss having to share air with his father. 

He could tell she was nervous about seeing Lily. Today they were going to tell Lily Erin was her aunt and about Shelby. He knew too that she was still holding tight to the reins of control on her emotions, this time so she could confront Lily in a calm and supportive way. He just prayed things went well and Erin could find an outlet for her grief and anger before those reins snapped. 

Snapped didn't even come close to what happened instead. An uncontrollable violent explosion is the term he should have used and something neither of them anticipated. They left the psychologist's, Amanda, office with a plan in place. Erin and Jay would go up to visit with Lily, catch up with her after being away for a few days, and Amanda would come in a short time later to help them talk to Lily about her birth family. But as they rounded the corner to Lily's room, and Erin literally walked into her mother, the plan evaporated or more accurately exploded like a nuclear bomb. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Erin barked, shivers of fear crawling up her spine. 

"What do you think? I have a granddaughter now and I won't let you or anyone else keep her from me."

Erin's fear morphed to rage so fast Jay didn't have time to step between the women before Erin had Bunny backed up against the wall. "You stay away from her," her deadly calm voice alerted Jay to the severity of her threat. 

"You can't tell me what to do. She's MY granddaughter. I've more right to her than you do and now she knows it too," Bunny spit back, her voice betraying her fear as she pushed her way out of Erin's hold. 

Jay managed to grab Erin just as she launched herself at Bunny. If the situation had been any different he would have mused at how much effort it took to hold Erin back, she was tiny but it took every once of his strength to keep her from tackling Bunny and beating her senseless as she screamed at her insane mother. 

"You bitch! How could you do that?"

"She deserves to know she has a family who loves her. I love her. You've been treating her like a stranger, lying to the poor thing."

"You really are a sick selfish piece of work. You didn't do this for her, you don't know the first thing about love." 

"Oh here we go with the poor Erin sob story again. Boo hoo! You had it so hard. Keeping coming at me Erin and I can press more assault charges against you. Be a shame if you're own boyfriend needed to testify against you," Bunny taunted. 

Erin managed to wrestle free from Jay's hold but he stood ready, his own temper barely contained listening to the shrill of Bunny's voice. 

"Get out," Erin gritted between clenched teeth. "Get out and don't even think about seeing Lily ever again."

"Well that's going to be hard to do since I intend on filing for custody of her. And if I were you, I'd cool that temper or I'll get a restraining order against you and then you'd never be able to see Lily once she lives with me." 

The beat it took for Erin to go from shock to exploding was enough for Jay to grab Erin round the waist and drag her back as she unleashed a string of explisives letting Bunny know just what she thought of that idea. 

"Over my dead body," Erin continued to scream as Jay dragged her through the door leading to the stair well. "You'll rot in hell before you get near her again." 

Jay gave Erin a shove through the door, he knew he was being a little too rough but he had to protect her. He knew Bunny played dirty and he couldn't risk Erin doing something she'd regret. Hell, he needed to focus on getting Erin out of there before he did something they'd all regret. Never in his life had he wanted to strike a woman but his hand ached to come up and... he closed his eyes. Entertaining fantasies about what he'd like to do to Bunny right now was not productive. 

"Get out of here, now," he warned Bunny and tried to take some satisfaction in the fear he saw in Bunny's eyes at his menacing tone. He watched her hurriedly retreat down the hall, only when she was almost out of ear shot did she have the nerve to call back at them. 

"This is far from over," she taunted. Once she disappeared Jay joined Erin in the stair well. 

Erin paced the landing like a caged animal rabid with anger. Adrenaline pumped though her, blurring her vision. And again she let loose a string of oaths letting him know exactly what she thought of her mother. 

"She thinks she's fit to raise a child. She thinks there's a judge in this country that would let the likes of her be responsible for a child. She won't get her. She can't get her. I won't let her Jay. So help me God I'll do whatever I have to to keep her away from Lily." The promise in her threats had Jay stepping in Erin's path. He didn't disagree with Erin but he wouldn't let her destroy her life. That certainly wouldn't help Lily. 

"I know," he said cautiously. "We won't let that happen Erin." Tentatively he placed his hands on her shoulders and bent until he could look in her eyes. "Bunny won't get near Lily again," he promised. Erin pulled out of Jay's hold and turned. Her voice hitched when she spoke again. 

"She shouldn't have got near her in the first place. I should have know she wouldn't leave well enough alone. I should have known she'd find her. And she told her," Erin whirled around on him. "Oh god, Jay what did she tell Lily? I have to," Erin broke off and made a break for the door, her need to scoop the small girl up and fix whatever damage Bunny had done overwhelming. 

But Jay blocked her path. "Take a breathe Erin." Her glare had him lightening his tone to soothing and supportive. "You can't go in there this wound up. It will only upset her to see you like this. Just take a second and we'll go make sure she's okay. We'll fix this." 

Erin massaged her fingers across her forehead. "I'm so sick of fixing things she does. So sick of cleaning up her messes."

"I know." Jay stroked his hand across her shoulders. "I know."

When she felt calmer they walked the rest of the way to Lily's room. Things weren't good when they got there. Amanda was trying to subdue Lily who was frantically trying to push her away, eyes filled with blind panic. 

"You can't make me! I won't go! You can't make me!" Lily cried out. 

"Lily," Erin called gently, quickly coming round the bed. It took several attempts but she finally caught the girl's attention and Lily launched herself at Erin, twisting her tiny arms around Erin's neck with surprising strength. The girl sobbed into Erin's neck, her muffled words broken by the crying. Erin cooed and soothed Lily, rubbing her back and peppering her head with kisses. 

"She said she was my grandma and she's going to take me away. I don't want to go Erin. I don't. Please don't let her, she scares me," Lily started crying again and climbed even further into Erin's lap. 

Jay stood next to Erin trying to help soothe the girl. "Lily, we're not going to let anything bad happen to you," he promised. 

When Lily finally calmed, Erin looked at Amanda who nodded at her. It was time to help Lily understand. "Lily, do you know why Jay and I went on our trip?" Lily shook her head. They took their time and slowly explained how they found out who Lily's mother was, why Bunny claimed to be her grandmother and Erin's relationship to her. 

"So she can take me then, that woman," Lily recoiled in fear. 

"No Lily, I won't let that happen. I promise you won't have to go anywhere you don't feel safe." Erin said before Amanda could answer. 

"Can I live with you? Since you're my aunt can you take care of me?" Lily's eyes were big and pleading. 

"Lily, it's not that simple," Amanda interjected, seeing the awkward expression on Erin's face. "Clara will talk to you more soon about all that but we promise to make sure whoever you live with will keep you safe sweetie. And for now you have to stay here. You have to rest and get better remember?"

Lily nodded but she still looked scared. 

After a few more minutes of snuggling Lily settled with her head on Erin's lap and closed her eyes, the aftershocks of her crying rippling through her body on a deep inhale every now and then. Amanda left, promising to have several more conversations with Lily in the coming days to help her understand and feel safe. Erin stroked her fingers through Lily's hair trying to help her settle. The poor child was scared and completely overwhelmed trying to make sense of everything she'd learned today. Unconsciously Erin began humming then whisper singing the song she use to sing to Teddy when he was frightened by thunderstorms. She didn't know where she'd learned the song, maybe from the radio, but its words always soothed Teddy. It seemed to have the same effect on Lily. 

But for Erin, tonight the sweet promises in the lyrics brought emotions to the surface she'd been fighting for days. She looked down at Lily as she sang. She was beginning to drift off, her face relaxing, her breathing evening out. She looked peaceful nestled in Erin's lap. Tears pooled in Erin's eyes as she couldn't stop her mind from thinking about Shelby, she was Lily's age when they took her. She must have been terrified. It was heartbreaking to think she'd gone through her short life feeling unwanted and unloved and all alone. And now here was her daughter feeling just as terrified and alone, a daughter she'd never get to know because someone had stole her from Lily. They stole her from you too, a sad voice whispered in her head. The pooling tears overflowed and slipped down Erin's cheeks. She tried to keep singing but the ache in her chest intensified, her sense of loss overwhelming. 

Jay sat back in the chair besides Lily's bed when the tiny girl settled against Erin. He closed his eyes and let the soft sound of Erin's lullaby wrap around him. When her voice wavered and hitched his eyes sprung open. Seeing the tears streaming down her face, he quickly rose and came to sit next to Erin on the bed, wrapping his arms around her and Lily the best he could from behind. Instead of calming her it seemed to have the opposite effect. Erin turned her face into his chest, no longer able to sing. Her body shuttered and she gasped quietly, finally giving in to the sorrow she'd been holding in for days. It hurt Jay to see her like this, to know she was hurting and there was nothing he could do to protect her from it, but it was also relieving to see her let go and release everything finally, especially here with him. 

Erin surrendered to the tears. She'd lost Shelby, and later Teddy for a time. She'd been too young and too weak to keep either of them safe. Now the system and her mother threaten to take Lily from her too. A sense of urgency combined with her grief. She couldn't let anything else happen to this sweet girl. The look on Lily's face when she asked Erin to take care of her haunted Erin. Lily was all alone and Erin was the only one left to protect her. Erin hoped Teddy had been right when he said Erin would be good for Lily because there were no other choices left. Erin knew what she had to do, the only thing she could do to try and protect Lily. Her sense of loss intensified as she thought about what it would cost her, she'd have to walk away from everything she'd worked so hard for. But she had no choice. She had to put this little girl ahead of her own selfish desires. She owed Shelby that much. Erin buried her face in Jay's shoulder trying to focus on the soothing warmth of his hand as it skimmed up and down her back. She took some calming breaths and tried to memorize his scent and the feel of him around her, knowing it would likely be the last time.


	71. 71

The drive home was silent, exhaustion the main reason. Erin removed her shoes and carefully lined them up on the boot mat when they got home. An action that surprised Jay given her emotional state. 

"Do you want to order something in for dinner?" Jay asked, heading to the kitchen for a beer. 

"I guess," Erin replied noncommittally, following him into the kitchen and waving him off when he offered her a beer. "Actually there's something I need to tell you first."

"Ok." The tone of her voice had Jay a little worried. 

She let out a sigh and opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, struggling to find the words. "I'm going to be leaving Intelligence," she finally spit out. 

"What? Why?" 

"Because Hank made it very clear when he took over I had to make a choice. It was either the unit or a domestic life and well," she paused for a breath, "I'm going to fight for custody of Lily. It's the only way I can truly keep Bunny from getting her claws in her, and with all her medical and emotional needs, there's no way he'll let me stay. He'll say I won't be able to juggle both and be focused." 

Jay nodded, she could see the wheels in his head turning, trying to find a way around Hank's stupid rules for her. She smiled sadly at him. It hurt like hell to know she'd have to give up her dream job. She'd fought hard to be there and proved repeatedly she was worthy of a place in that unit. It didn't matter that Hank, Antonio and Al had kids, or that Julie had been a mother of two. The rules were different for her. She knew this. She knew there was no argument that would change Hank's mind so she wasn't going to waste her breath on it. But it was the next words that would hurt her the most. 

"And I know," she cleared her throat, not wanting him to hear the anguish in her voice, "I know this isn't at all what you signed up for with me. And you've been more than amazing putting up with everything in my life. And I owe you, I owe you so much Jay, so I want you to know that it's okay. I don't expect you to do this or to even understand why I have to do it. So it's okay if," Erin's voice hitched but she forced the words out. "You can walk away." She said sadly, "I understand." 

Jay's eyes went wide with shock. "Walk away? Is that what you think I'd do after all this?"

"It's not fair of me to ask you to do this with me Jay. Lily has a lot on her plate, not just with her health."

"I'd never walk away from you Erin or Lily for that matter," he said, cutting her off. He dropped his beer on the counter and walked to her, putting his hands on her waist. "Erin, I fully expected we'd end up here, maybe even hoped we would, as soon as we found out she was your niece. I love you, you know that. We meant what we said about always being here for each other. And that little girl," he paused, searching for the right words. "She's been through hell. She deserves a real family, to be with people who can really love and protect her. She needs to be here Erin. With us. With both of us." He pulled her against him and she buried her face in his neck. He felt her arms tighten around his waist and the slow rise and fall of her chest as she took some calming breaths. He had some reservations about being a parent, sure. He didn't exactly have the best role model for a dad but everything about this felt right to him. He was glad Erin finally saw it that way too. 

"Are you sure?" She asked against his neck. 

"Erin if I thought you'd say yes I'd have asked you to marry me long before now. Maybe then you wouldn't be questioning my comment to you or to Lily." He said into her hair. 

Erin turned her cheek to rest against his shoulder and considered his words. A year ago they would have had her nervously pulling away, mumbling something about her mother's track record and her being bad news. But tonight she found comfort his words. She found herself feeling safe wrapped up in Jay's arms and feeling more confident in her decision to fight for custody of Lily. She loved him, trusted him completely and knew he meant everything he had said. 

"What makes you think I won't say yes," she offered in a quiet voice. She felt Jay stiffen then pull away far enough to look her in the eyes. His were questioning, searching for something. Whatever he saw in her eyes sent him striding quickly from the room. Erin stood dumbfounded, not knowing what to make of his reaction. He returned a few minutes later, a sheepish smile on his face, and tugged her towards the couch. 

His heart raced. It had stopped momentarily when Erin didn't give him the response he'd expected to his suggestion of marriage. When he saw the acceptance and even a hint of excitement in her eyes he didn't give himself time to second guess it and his insticts had him running to the bedroom, uncovering the old metal box at the bottom of the closet and digging out the velvet box he'd kept from her the day he'd shown her everything else he kept tucked away in there. Now they sat on the couch, Erin looking at him puzzeled. Her cheeks were stained with tears, eyes shadowed with exhaustion. She was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, and he had no damn clue what he was going to say next. He took a breath and hoped to hell he didn't sound like an idiot. 

"My grandfather was madly in love with my grandmother. He told me once that she made him work for it," Jay said with a fond laugh. "but he said that the kind of love you had to work for and earn was the love worth keeping. She'd told him she wouldn't marry a man unless he gave her four things. She said he had to make her laugh. They had to trust each other implicitly, he had to respect her as a person and they had to be best friends. She said only then was it true love and only a man who gave her those things deserved her. When he proposed he had this ring made." Jay said, pulling the box from behind his back and opening it. Erin looked down at it. Her heart skipped a beat, now fully realizing what was happening, and then she carefully studied the band of white gold which encircled four shimmering diamonds. "There's a stone for each thing, laughter, trust, respect and friendship."

"All encompassed in a circle of love," Erin whispered. 

Jay nodded, touched she understood. "When she died my grandfather was devastated. They had that special kind of love you know? They argued of course, but they were always affectionate, teased each other constantly and really loving. They were each other's rock. He gave me this after her funeral. We were pretty close. I guess of the four grandsons I was always the one most interested in learning from him, I don't know." Jay smiled sadly, he still missed the man who had taken the time and patience to teach Jay the things his father never seemed to want to. "He was real serious when he gave it to me. Said that I shouldn't give it to just any girl. That I had to make sure she made me earn her love. And that she had to believe in what each stone meant." Jay shifted off the couch, dropping to one knee and Erin held her breath. "Erin I'm not all that good with words, especially not the flowery ones, you know, but the laughter we've shared is some of the best moments I've ever had. I trust you completely with my life, with my heart, more than anyone else in my life, ever. I hope I've shown you just how much I respect you. You make me a better cop, a better man. I'm in awe of your strength and how, despite how unfair life has been to you, you still give so much of yourself to others, to the job. And you are without a doubt my very best friend. I think, I hope, you feel the same about me. If you do I'd like you to wear this ring. I'd like you to be my wife."

The room was completely silent except for the sound of Jay's heart pounding in his ears. He watched Erin's face carefully, suddenly worried he'd misread her earlier words and he'd rushed this. He should have waited. And definitely should have planned something more romantic. What was he thinking? He braced for a no. 

Erin reached out and cupped Jay's cheek with her hand. This man, she thought. This sweet, strong, amazing man. She noticed the hand that held the ring box was shaking and the look of adoration in his eyes warred with uncertainty. Her heart clenched, he wasn't sure of her answer. She swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. She needed to erase the doubt from his eyes. 

Her voice was unsteady and thick with emotion when she spoke. "Jay there's nothing I'd be prouder of than wearing that ring and being your wife." 

It took a beat for her words to sink in. She watched as the uncertainty in his eyes morphed to elation. And he quickly slid his arms around her, coming up to kiss her deeply. The scorching kiss lasted until they were forced to pull apart, desperate for air. 

"You said yes," he breathed, resting his forehead against hers. 

"I did," she smiled, trying to catch her breath from the intense kiss. 

Jay pulled back slightly and took the ring from the box. "I haven't had it sized yet," he apologized as he slipped it on her finger not knowing if it would fit. 

But it did. 

Perfectly. 

Their eyes met and they smiled knowingly at each other. Erin looked back down at the ring, twisting her hand, watching the stones catch the light and sparkle. 

"I know it's not fancy or a traditional engagement ring. I can buy you one of those too," Jay offered. He had wanted her to have this ring for the symbolic meaning it held for him but he'd fully expected they'd go pick out something she could show off. She deserved that. 

Erin shook her head vigorously, "No Jay. It's beautiful. It means so much that you want me to wear it. And the meaning of each stone, it's so beautiful. I do feel all these things about you too. I am the luckiest girl. I don't want another ring. I don't need some big expensive rock to prove anything. Besides, I'd have to take it off every time I went undercover. This is perfect. I won't ever have to take it off. I love it. I love you." 

Jay smiled, running a finger down her cheek, finding yet another reason to love her. "I love you too."


	72. 72

"I'll grab it," Erin called over her shoulder to Jay as she made her way to answer the knocking on their front door. Swinging it open, she wondered if she'd ever get use to knowing she would soon be related to the four most gorgeous men she'd ever seen. 

"Hey Ryan," Erin greeted Jay's cousin cheerfully. "Thanks for stopping by. I know this is a hard time for your family."

"Don't mention it, actually the distraction is nice. There's a few too many bodies in my parents house right now. It's good to have a reason to leave."

Erin nodded her understanding. "So Jay said he talked to you about us filing for custody of my niece?" 

"He did," Ryan confirmed.

Last night, after a slow and sweet celebration of their engagement, and a long hot soak in the tub together, they'd curled up and talked about everything that had happened in the last weeks. Jay told Erin Ryan was willing to help them with Lily and they arranged for him to come by and get things in motion. They wanted to get out ahead of Bunny on this one. 

"Hey man," Jay greeted Ryan from the kitchen where he was hunched over the stove. "You hungry?"

Ryan snickered at the sight of Jay in such a domestic pose. "I don't know, how do I know you're not gonna poison me?"

"Shut up," Jay volleyed back. 

"He's actually turning in to quite a good cook," Erin offered with a teasing smile. 

"Oh he is, is he?" Ryan laughed. Jay sent him a warning look. He didn't invite his cousin to brunch so he and Erin could gang up on him. 

Jay turned off the stove and carried the stack of pancakes and dish of bacon to the table. "Whatever, you don't want any, that just means more for me."

Ryan and Erin laughed but were quick to join Jay at the table. They continued their casual banter while they ate. 

"Is that Nana's ring?" Ryan asked, spying the band on Erin's finger as she reached for seconds of pancakes. 

"It is," Jay's proud smile came easy. "I asked Erin to marry me last night. Actually you're the first to know."

"Wow," Ryan sat back in his chair, taking in the idea that one of them was actually getting married. "Congratulations, that's great!" He offered genuinely and squeezed Erin's hand. "But you know, maybe you should have held out a little longer Erin, make sure you got the best Halstead?" He teased her. 

"Shut up," Jay fiend offence and tossed bacon at his cousin. Ryan just laughed. 

"Well the timing won't hurt anyway," he said popping the bacon into his mouth. "The courts usually favour married couples in these cases." 

Erin lowered her fork slowly, staring at Ryan and digested his words. 

"That's not why I asked her," Jay shot at Ryan, annoyed he'd think so little of Jay. "It's not why I asked you. It had nothing to do with it," he turned to Erin. 

She nodded. "I know. But he has a point," she shrugged. 

"Maybe," Jay agreed reluctantly. "But I wanted to ask you months ago. I just,"

"You were chicken," Ryan helped Jay finish his sentence. "He's been gushing about you forever," Ryan confirmed. "It's nice to see you finally grew a pair." He teased Jay. Jay made a nasty face at Ryan which sent him into a hearty chuckle. 

"Yeah well I don't see you hurrying to the alter," Jay teased back. 

"Well that's because the best girl is already taken," Ryan countered, winking at Erin. Jay got a kick out of the blush that spread across Erin's cheeks. "I'm sorry," Ryan offered to Erin. "I didn't mean it to come out like that, to imply that's why Jay asked you to marry him. I know it's not. But it won't hurt your case any either."

Erin nodded again but her silence had Ryan feeling like an idiot. 

"You remind me of them you know, our grandparents. They use to look at each other the way you two do. I'm happy for you, both of you. It seems like you have something really special."

"Thank you," Erin finally replied, embarrassed but also touched by his words. 

"Thanks man," Jay added. "Anyway guess we should clear the table and get down to business." 

They spent the next little while going over the process of applying for custody and coming up with a strategy for dealing with Bunny. Ryan planned to make a motion for them to have temporarily guardianship while the bigger decision of permanent custody was sorted out in the courts. 

"They'll be a home study by DCFS so you'll have to child proof and set up a space for Lily, bedroom and all. You'll have to prove you can attend to her medical and psychological needs and provide adequate childcare while you're at work. Get a plan in place for education of course along with all the rest. It's a point in our favour that you have a strong professional relationship with her worker. They're going to do background checks and want character references and individual interviews but it shouldn't be too hard to get through that. You're both cops after all."

Erin buried her head in her hands and Jay let his hand stroke over her back. "It sounds like a lot I know babe, but we'll make it work." He assured her. She nodded and mumbled her agreement into her hands before sitting back up. 

"I'm sorry," she apologized to Ryan. "It's been a long week I'm just worn out."

"It's alright. Why don't I get out of your hair so you can get some rest. I'll start working on the motion and see what I can dig up on Bunny. Just remember what we agreed on, no contact with her, at all, for any reason. She wants to speak to you you tell her to go through your lawyer, me."

"I'm afraid you're gonna regret that," Erin winced. 

"Don't worry, she doesn't sound any worse than half the crazies I've dealt with in Boston." 

"Well, thank you for doing this. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

"You'll take that back when he sends us his bill," Jay laughed dryly. 

"It's my pleasure. And there will be no bill." Ryan put up his hand to stop the protest on Jay and Erin's lips. "Just consider it my wedding gift." 

/

A week later Erin wondered if Ryan was regretting his generosity. Bunny was indeed making herself a pain in the ass. She'd tried to file a restraining order against Erin and when that failed she tried to have one filed against Jay. Thankfully that went no where too thanks to Ryan's quick work. She'd shown up at the 21st ranting and raving, trying to embarrass and dirty Erin's name until Platt had personally tossed her out on the sidewalk. And she'd followed through on her threat to file for custody. Where she'd gotten the money for a lawyer Erin didn't want to know but she didn't think there was a greasier one around. She'd made up all kinds of accusations about Erin being a dirty cop in a dirty unit and even tried to have her criminal record pulled. But there was nothing in it thanks to the magic Hank had worked when he took her in years ago. Hank even went so far as to shred the copy of her CI file he'd kept. You couldn't be too paranoid where Bunny was concerned. 

Hank. 

She was still in shock over his reaction when she went to see him on Monday to telll him she was fighting for custody of Lily. 

"All I ask is when you transfer me out, you put me somewhere I can still do some good." Erin had pleaded after she laid it all out. 

Hank had sat staring at her for a long minute before he replied and it annoyed the hell out of Erin. 

"Will you just say something," she demanded. 

"I told you so," he said, then smirked at her. Erin was about to go off when he cut her off. "Don't get all wound up. Thankfully for you I've been taking steps to prepare for this since you told me she was your niece. You won't be leaving Intelligence Erin."

"What?"

"Well not unless you really want to?" He challenged. 

"No of course not but, I don't understand, you've always been clear on this."

"Do you think you can handle it? Being a mother and a cop in this unit." He stared her down, watching for any sign of hesitation. 

"I know I can. I mean it's not gonna be easy and I'm scared to death of being responsible for a kid but I earned this. I've earned the right to try. I deserve it."

Hank's smile was one of pride. "Damn right you do. I'm not ready to give up my best detective just yet. I told you I had big plans for you. But you're right about one thing, it won't be easy. So you're gonna take some time off."

"Hank," Erin protested. 

"Don't interrupt me," Hank stood and moved to the chair next to Erin. "As soon as she's released from the hospital into your custody, and you will get custody, you're gonna take some furlough, a few weeks. She's gonna have a hard time Erin. Even harder than when you came to live with us and she's going to need you there twenty four seven at first. I'll have Burgess come up, that way, down the road, if you need to take time off to deal with any medical appointments etcetera, we'll have someone we trust to step in for you."

Erin nodded. 

"But, it's not a pass Erin. I expect the same level of focus from you as always. You want to stay up here, you need to give me the same commitment as always." 

She was too stunned to do much more than nod her head like an idiot again before they'd been interrupted by a breakthrough in their current case. 

They hadn't even had a chance to discuss the ring she knew he saw on her finger until hours later. 

"Was there something else you wanted to tell me before we were interrupted earlier?" Hank asked quietly at her desk when they got back from a bust. 

"Yeah, of course, we just didn't get that far earlier." She apologized. 

He motioned for her and Jay to join him in the break room. Erin closed the door behind them. 

"Let me see," Hank's stoic expression hid his emotions as he took Erin's hand in his. 

"It was my grandmothers," Jay barely hid the nervousness from his voice and watched carefully as Voight stroked his thumb over Erin's knuckles and nodded at him. 

"As a general rule CPD won't let spouses work in the same unit, let alone be partners. So it will be up to the commander to decide if you can both stay. My advice is to wait until just before the wedding to say anything." He paused, enjoying watching the two of them bristle at his words, well aware of the promises he'd made Erin just a few short hours ago about her place in the unit. "But I'll go to bat for you, provided this little piece of jewelry doesn't change anything in my bullpen." 

They were quick to reassure him and remind him how professional they were on the job. Hank almost couldn't contain his chuckle at that one. He couldn't deny they worked well together and produced good results but he did enjoy making them squirm. He may have given them a pass but he sure as hell wasn't going to let them get lazy or careless and forget who's unit they were in. 

Just before they walked out Hank let down his mask. "Erin," they both turned to look back at him. "I'm really happy for you, you got yourself a good one there," he nodded towards Jay, letting his love and pride for Erin shine in his eyes. "Make the three of us a reservation at Gibson's for later this week, my treat. I think it's time you brought him to dinner don't you?" 

Erin smiled and nodded while Jay swallowed passed the lump in his throat. He had no reservations about standing up to his boss and fighting for what was right on a case anymore, confident in his skills and place in the unit, but he was just like every other nervous guy on the planet when it came to dealing with his girlfriend's, scratch that, fiancé's father. 

Surprisingly the dinner went well. Voight had splurged on expensive wine to toast their engagement with and dinner conversation centred mainly around work and sports. Jay had a hard time recognizing Voight when he gushed about his grandson but he liked this side of him and could easily see why Erin was so loyal to him when he acted like this. After spending her childhood around abusive men, Voight's attention combined with his desire to protect and encourage her would have earned him her fierce loyalty. Watching their easy teasing and affection he could see why she struggled with making the right call when Voight went off the rails at work. He set ridiculously high standards for her but Jay could admit he would have worked every bit as hard as she did if he'd gotten half the praise and love Voight bestowed on Erin from his own father. 

And now, a little over a week after Ryan had come to brunch, Erin was sitting at her desk thumbing through all the medical information sheets Lily's doctor had given her. There was so much to absorb. She'd already spoken with Will twice in the last week to get his help understanding all the technical terms of Lily's illness. They had to worry about exposing her to viruses and making sure she wasn't taking unnecessary physical risks. Jay has seemed a bit disappointed when he realized she'd likely never play a team sport. He'd mumbled something about coaching little league that had Erin falling even more in love with how adorable he was. They'd have to start eating better too, Lily had a list of foods to help keep her immune system healthy. The hospital nutritionist had suggested they take the cooking class she offered for adult patients and caregivers. Erin had cringed at the idea of classes. She was a half decent cook, Camille having taken the time to teach her and Justin, she just didn't enjoy it much and she certainly didn't want to do it in a group. But she signed them up for the classes, something Jay found hilarious of course. If it helped them get Lily, she'd jump though every hoop and put up with all Jay's teasing about how he was going to enjoy having a wife to cook and clean for him. 

Their hearing for temporary guardianship was tomorrow. Mouse had spent every free minute the last week hunting for Lily's father at Ryan's request. As much as Erin wanted to let sleeping dogs lie on this one, Ryan reminded her the courts wouldn't grant custody without proof they had made a convincing effort to find Lily's father. Mouse turned up nothing. Except maybe a small crush on Samantha. The two had spent a lot of time talking via FaceTime since Mouse had asked her to fill him in on Josh. He seemed to keep finding reasons to have to contact her. Erin enjoyed the way Mouse's cheeks flushed every time she said Samantha's name, and maybe she made a point of saying it every chance she could slip it into conversation. 

There were still some huge question marks in their play for custody, the main one being how they would care for Lily once Erin's furlough was done. It would likely be several month before she was healthy enough to attend school and even then, with the hours they kept working in Intelligence they'd need someone to look after her after school and possibly overnight at times. 

"You ready to go?" Jay tapped on her desk interrupting her thoughts. 

"Yeah," Erin closed the information file and grabbed her coat. 

"Don't worry, it will be fun and Aunt Helen makes the best roast you've ever had," Jay said as they headed out. Jay's aunt had insisted all the boys come over for dinner before Mark headed back to Canada and she'd told Jay he'd better not turn up without Erin. 

"How's she doing?" 

"She seems okay. Ryan said she wants to sell the house, which he and Mark seem fine with but she was complaining about not having any purpose. I don't know why. She worked her butt off for years. My uncle left her pretty well off. If it were me, I'd be on the next flight out of this cold and find myself a beach somewhere and just enjoy retirement." 

"I though we were retiring to Wisconsin," Erin teased. 

"Oh we are," Jay promised. "But there's nothing wrong with getting out of the Arctic in the winters." 

Erin laughed. "I'm not gonna argue with you there." 

"Good, see, you're already good at this whole wife thing!" Jay burst out laughing when Erin smacked him across the chest threatening to do damage to his more delicate body parts. "Speaking of which, we haven't really talked about when you want to do this, or where."

"What, you mean a wedding?"

"Yeah, what big elaborate plans did you dream up as a little girl that I'm gonna have to suffer through?"

The smile dropped from Erin's face. 

"I'm joking babe," Jay mollified her. "Whatever you want to do I'm fine with. Hit me with it. What kind of wedding did little Erin dream of." 

"She didn't." Came her flat response. 

"Not at all?"

"No," she shook her head. "Jay up until we started dating I was one hundred percent sure I'd never get married."

"We don't have to you know. I'm fine like this," he offered earnestly. 

"No I want to, it's just. You know how I feel about being the centre of attention and I don't really see myself as the puffy white dress, walk down the isle kinda girl. And have you seen how crazy wedding planning makes people, especially girls?"

"Bridezillas!" He said with dramatic flare. 

"Exactly! There's no way in hell I want to be one of those."

"So what are you saying, you want to elope?" 

Erin wrinkled her nose. 

Jay pulled the car up in front of his Aunt's house and turned to Erin. "Hey babe, it's fine, honestly I don't really care, as long as you're happy we can do whatever you want."

"I don't know. It doesn't seem right to elope either. There's gotta be something in between right?" She let out a long sigh. "I want to marry you Jay. I do. I promise I'm not second guessing it at all. But I guess with everything else going on..." 

"Yeah, it's a lot right now, I agree. Let's focus on getting Lily, then we can figure the wedding stuff out." Jay agreed shutting off the car. 

"Thank you, you really are the best."

"Just remember that in twenty year," he laughed. 

"Why you plan on changing?" She accused playfully. 

"Not a chance," he smiled his most charming smile as he made his way around the car to her and tugged her in for a searing kiss. "You deserve only the best."


	73. 73

What was the best was Aunt Helen's roast, just as Jay had promised. The laughter and teasing that accompanied it was exactly what Erin's soul needed after the last few weeks too. The room was a bit on the warm side, though that was probably more due to the amount of charm the four Halstead boys had turned on her all evening. She was slightly angry with herself for the amount of times they'd made her flush in the last two hours. And really annoyed it took her the better part of an hour to regain her footing and start throwing sass back at them. She'd spent her whole adult life surrounded by men and held her own just fine, so why the hell she was letting these four fluster her she didn't know but she hoped she got over it soon. 

"So Jay said you were going to sell the house," Erin asked casually as she helped Aunt Helen clear the dishes. 

"Yes. It's too big and too empty. The boys have their own lives away from here now. They agree its too much for me to keep up with. I think they just don't want to be distracted from their lives by worrying about me."

"I think they love you very much." Erin was definitely won over by the way Helen's sons and even her nephews treated her with such love and respect. "Do you know what you're going to do? I mean after you sell?" 

"Mavis wants me to move to Florida but honestly I've no interest. I don't mind winter all that much and Chicago is my home. I just lost my husband. I don't want to loose my city too. But I'm not sure about going back to my job. Now that I've lost Thomas, well I just don't think I'd be comfortable there anymore. But I'm not ready to retire. I need to keep myself busy. I don't like being left alone with my thoughts, you know?" Erin nodded. She understood that all too well. A few moments passed while they focused on wrapping up the leftovers. Erin could feel Helen's loss. She couldn't imagine what it would feel like to loose someone you'd loved that hard for that long. "Ryan thinks I should buy a condo. He keeps going on about all the conveniences but I think he's just let Mavis talk him into it. You live in one don't you? What do you think of it, honestly?"

"We love it. We're pretty busy so it's nice not to have to think of cutting grass or shovelling snow. We have an amazing view, a gym, a pool. Why don't you come by for dinner and you can take a look around the building, see if condo living is for you?" Erin offered. 

"You wouldn't mind?" Helen seemed to perk up at the idea. 

"Not at all."

"That would be lovely. Thank you. And Lily? How is she doing? Ryan says there's a good chance you'll get custody of her?"

"Yes, we're hopeful. She's doing better each day. We spend at least an hour with her every day and she's been seeing the psychologist regularly too. She still has a long way to go." Lily was always happy to see them and they had told her about their plans to get custody of her but she was still scared and had continued to have nightmares. Amanda had warned them that a whole lot of other issues might creep up once they got her home. 

"Yes, I worked with quiet a few patients like Lily when I was in paediatrics. But she's young and if you stay on top of things she's got a good shot at having a long life."

"I'll admit it's been a bit overwhelming trying to understand everything she's going to need but Will's been a big help with the medical stuff."

"Did I hear my name?" Will asked as he brought the last of the dishes into the kitchen. 

"Yes, we were just saying how nice it would be if you carried the coffee into the living room so we can have dessert." 

"For a piece of your blueberry pie Aunt Helen I'd do just about anything!" Will kissed his aunts cheek and carried the coffee out. 

/

He'd been to court a million times. Sat up in the witness box giving testimony just as many times. He'd never felt nervous, always confident that he could handle anything the defence threw at him. He was a good cop, clean, and stood by his actions on the job. He knew his arrests would stand up in court. 

But this was completely different. He wiped his sweaty hands down his pants for the third time as he sat on the bench outside the courtroom waiting for their case to be called. Erin sat to his right talking quietly with Ryan and Mouse, who had come along to help explain to the judge what he'd done to try and locate Lily's birth father. 

Jay tried to focus on their words but his nerves were high, he was beginning to regret the second cup of coffee he'd downed at the District before they'd changed and headed over to meet Ryan for the hearing. In less than ten minutes his life was about to change. That had his stomach rolling uneasily. He'd spent the last weeks fiending confidence to be Erin's rock but truth be told he was just as shaken by all this as she was. 

It wasn't that he didn't want to do this. He'd fallen hard for the tiny little girl with Erin's beautiful eyes. But when they started working through the logistics of taking Lily in Jay realized there was nothing in his life up to this point that had prepared him for being a father. The home study had left him feeling anxious and overwhelmed, emotions he hadn't had much experience with in recent years. Jay tackled everything with confidence but when Clara started listing off all the things Lily would need to be raised right and was peaking into their closets and under beds Jay felt like he did the first days of boot camp during surprise bunk checks. 

Except back then the rules and expectations were clear. Everything was black and white in the army. He'd just started to get use to the swirls of colour living with Erin had brought to his life and now they were going to add a child. He had a feeling it would be like upending the whole paint set and watching it splash across the floor. They idea of such chaos had his jaw clenching but he promised himself he would not be the ridged dictator his father had been. 

The court bailiff emerged and called their case into the courtroom. Jay schooled his features as he took Erin's hand and gave her a confident smile. It's going to be okay, he silently told her. He watched as the anxiety in her eyes was replaced by her own mask of confidence and she nodded at him, giving his hand a squeeze. We got this, her silent look assured him. 

/

Jay clasped his cousin on the back and thanked him again. Ryan had been brilliant in front of the judge and the hearing had gone smoothly. They'd won temporary guardianship. The judge's lone reservation was their still unsolitified plan for consistent childcare. He'd warned them that they needed to have something in place before Lily was discharged from the hospital which would likely be in less than two weeks. 

On their way out of the courthouse Bunny appeared. She was disheveled and unsteady on her feet as she approached them yelling her usual accusations. Erin swore under her breath. 

"Don't Erin, don't engage her." Jay warned. They had too much to loose to get caught up with Bunny. 

"Murderer!" Bunny screamed, pointing at Jay. "They took my granddaughter and gave her to a murderer." Heads turned as the people coming and going from the court house stopped to get a better look at the drama unfolding on the steps. 

"Ma'am, you need to leave." Ryan said with authority, stepping in front of Jay. The move was a shot to Jay's pride, he could damn well defend himself, better than his cousin ever could, but Erin tightened her grasp on his hand. 

"Don't," she repeated his warning back to him. Jay held back but watched Bunny carefully. 

"I know what you did! I know what you both did," Bunny accused pointing at Mouse now too, "Somebody arrest these murderers!" Bunny screamed. "You think you can get away with it just because you did it over there!" 

"Okay, that's enough of a show for this morning I think," Ryan said pulling Bunny away. 

She continued to scream at them but Jay didn't hear her words. The world was silent as he watched Ryan herd Bunny down the steps and into a cab. A sheen of sweat broke out across his skin. He glanced at Mouse who'd frozen and gone ghostly white. Jay shook his head to clear the dark memories Bunny's words had awaken. He nudged Mouse. "Hey, she's bat shit crazy, just ignore her."

"She's high as a kite," Erin added, having also picked up on Mouse's spike in anxiety. "She knows you both served. She's just spouting bullshit because she's desperate. She doesn't have a chance at getting Lily now. Just ignore her, trust me you don't need that bitch in your head."

Jay agreed wholeheartedly, but he had a feeling Mouse had already let her in his.


	74. 74

It was still fairly dark. The air was thinner this time of morning, somewhat bearable. The dusty taste of heat he'd choked on his first few months here was mostly absent. He crept forward as silently as he could, his eyes focused through the scope on his riffle, keeping the sound of crunching gravel beneath his feet to a minimum. He was acutely aware of every sound around him. The hum of a generator in the distance helped cover the sound of their approach. He knew Lee and Mendes were precisely fifty feet to his right making their way towards the south side of the hut while he and Mouse approached from the north. 

He heard the exact moment they lost the element of surprise. The distinctive snap of a trip wire being sprung had him pushing Mouse to cover a split second before the fireworks began. The noise didn't bother him anymore. In the time he'd been here he'd learned to tune it out, he couldn't see through the smoke so he closed his eyes and pulled up an image of his surroundings in his head. Filtering through the noise of the loud bangs he braced himself against the edge of the brick wall and fired towards the enemy. 

"I'll cover," Mouse yelled when he'd scrambled back to his feet and laid against the wall beside Jay. They waited for a small break in fire and began leapfrogging their way to the hut, picking off the enemy as they went. They had to get there. Had to get to Hollingsworth before it was too late. He could hear Lee and Mendes circling around and knew they'd converge on the hut in a moment. Firing off a few more rounds and keeping his eyes pealed for threats Jay waited until everyone was in position then barked the order.

"Breach!"

Behind him he heard Mouse kick in the door, felt Lee move into the opening. His stomach rolled when he heard the bullets make contact with Lee's chest armour and he turned, they all did, and fired into the hut to protect their man. It was the kind of controlled chaos they had trained for but Jay barely heard the shouts and gun shots above the pounding of his heart. 

He couldn't loose another man. 

Hollingsworth was being kept somewhere in here and Lee could be bleeding out. He had to move quickly, neutralize any threats in the building, recover his men and get the hell out. 

Mouse covered him as he lifted the false wood floor covering the cave their informant said they'd find Hollingsworth in. Jay turned on the flashlight mounted to his riffle. Carefully he lowered himself into the hole and immediately took inventory of his surroundings. His brain struggled to process what he was seeing. 

He should be here. 

They were assured Hollingsworth would be here. 

Where the hell was he?

The cave was empty, save a few abandoned shelves. No sign any human had been here recently. 

Jay made his way back up to the hut. The room had quieted, enemy fire subsided. His men were gathered in a circle around a body laid face down on the ground. Jay's eyes met Mouses' horrified ones. Jay moved towards the group and tried to get a better look at the small body on the ground. Lee was crouched over it. Jay found some relief that he seemed unharmed. But then Lee looked up at Jay, his eyes full of remorse and apology. 

"I'm sorry," he crocked out. "I didn't know it was her." He looked away, ashamed. 

Her? Jay struggled to understand as slowly Lee turned over the limp little body. Jay looked down at the lifeless figure. Staring up at him were Lily's vacant eyes. 

/

Jay woke with a start. His heart beat a rapid rhythm in his chest. He blinked several times trying to regain his bearings. The room was still dark but the sharp red glow of numbers on his alarm clock told him it was morning, a few minutes before the alarm would sound. 

He felt the bed beside him, the cool indent in the pillow telling him Erin had been up for more than a few minutes. He hoped he hadn't disturbed her sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a nightmare sleeping next to her. But then again, given she wasn't in bed, maybe he hadn't been sleeping beside her. 

Jay flung the sheets off and headed to the bathroom. He turned on the tap and looked in the mirror. Get your shit together buddy, it was just a dream, he warned himself before splashing cold water on his face. But the image of Lily's dead body flooded his vision him again. He slammed his fist on the vanity before splashing more cold water over himself. A therapist would probably have a field day analyzing this shit but Jay summoned all his resolve and pushed the image away. He didn't need a god damn therapist. He needed to keep his head on straight. Especially now with Lilly coming home in a couple days. 

Jay pulled on a pair of jeans and headed out of the bedroom in search of Erin. He found her at the breakfast bar drinking what he assumed was coffee from the rich smells that teased his nose and staring at the laptop, a look of frustration on her face. 

"Hey babe, there's fresh coffee," she offered when she felt his presence. Jay came up behind her and placed a kiss on her neck before moving around the island to retrieve a cup. 

"You're up early." He observed. 

"Couldn't sleep." She offered matter of factly. "Trying to sort out this child care stuff. We've only got a week left and with everything I have to do at work before I take furlough..." Erin broke off. 

He knew the rest. Last night they'd interviewed yet another prospective caregiver for Lily. They'd had to abandon their search for child care centres when they realized Lily's medical needs, at least in the immediate future, were to great. So they'd switched to searching for an in home care provider. Jay had thought last nights interview had gone well. They'd thoroughly checked her background beforehand. The woman was pleasant and gave all the right answers to their questions. After more than an hour of talking with her Jay walked her to the door and thanked her for her time while Erin cleared the coffee cups to the kitchen. 

"So, she wasn't too bad," Jay offered, thinking they might have finally resolved the childcare issue. But his hopes were dashed when Erin shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. 

"Do you really think we can trust her with Lily?" Erin asked honestly. 

His confidence evaporated at her words. And that was it, the crux of their issue. No matter how good someone looked on paper or how well they interviewed, when it came down to it they just didn't feel like they could trust a stranger. Neither of them was built that way. So here Erin was, up before the sun, back at square one searching for someone to care for Lily. 

"We'll find someone," Jay tried to reassure both of them. 

"What if we make the wrong call? What if we hire someone just because we're under this time crunch and it turns out to be the wrong person? What if something happens to Lily while we're at work?" Erin asked, frustrated. 

Jay ran his hand over Erin's hair. He didn't have an answer for her. The what ifs were killing them both. They had good intentions, the best actually. They loved Lily and wanted to be the ones to keep her safe, give her the family she deserved, make up for all the hell she'd already gone through in her young life. But when it came down to it, neither of them had the slightest clue how to raise a child. Neither of them had taken on this level of responsibility before and neither was in the habit of making promises they couldn't keep. They couldn't break their promise to Lily but at times it was feeling like it would be impossible to keep. They had no clue what they were doing and it was scary as hell. So scary its giving you nightmares, a voice in his head reminded him. 

Jay dropped his hand from Erin's hair and tugged her towards him, trying to ignore that voice. "I don't know babe."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean to take it out on you. I'm just frustrated." She said, moving between his legs. 

"It's okay, I am too." Jay placed a kiss on top of her head. "Aunt Helen still coming over tonight to see the building?" 

"Yeah," Erin confirmed. 

An idea popped in Jay's head. "Maybe she'll know someone? She's worked with all kinds of care givers over the years. Maybe she can recommend someone?"

"Maybe," Erin considered. "We should get ready for work. We'll have to come back to this later." 

Jay nodded and released Erin. She took a couple steps towards the bedroom then stopped. "Share a shower with me?" She asked coyly, her eyes gleaming with mischief. 

Jay's dark mood instantly fell away and he rose, playfully scooping Erin up and tossing her over his shoulder. "Okay but I'm setting the temperature this time, you just about burn me to death when you do."

/

The shared shower had been just what he needed to shake off the funk he'd started his morning in. Momentarily forgotten was the dream and their shared frustration over childcare as they made their way up the stairs to the bullpen bantering over who's turn it was to pick up lunch. 

"After what I did for you in the shower this morning I don't think I should ever have to do a lunch run again," Erin smirked. 

Jay couldn't suppress his smile. She had outdone herself this morning, but he couldn't feed her ego too much. 

"I mean it wasn't bad, but I'm not sure it warrants that," he teased. 

Erin gasped in fake distain and smacked his chest lightly causing Jay to laugh but whatever retort Erin had she kept to herself as they rounded the corner to the final steps up and Voight yelled from his office for them both. 

"What did you do now?" Erin muttered quietly as they nodded their good mornings to everyone. 

"Me? Why is it automatically my fault?" Jay hissed back. 

Erin simply shot him a glare as she dropped her coat and coffee off at her desk and moved into Hank's office. 

"Good morning to you too Hank," she said over brightly, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. 

"Close the door," he grumbled without looking up. Jay stepped into the room and turned to close the door behind him, looking out the window. He scanned the bullpen out of habit and that's when he realized there was no sign Mouse had made his way in yet. Jay surpressed a sigh. This was the third time in a week he was late. He'd have to talk to him, make sure he was okay. Voight wouldn't put up with this for too long. 

"I heard back from the lab about Shelby's DNA," Hank begain without preamble. 

The news had Erin dropping into the chair opposite his desk and gripping the arms. She was sure she'd need the anchor to keep her from running out of the office and hopping on the next plane to kill the son of a bitch who killed her sister. 

"It's a match to Mike," Hank confirmed. 

"So you'll have him arrested?" Jay asked, his jaw tightening. He couldn't wait to get a few minutes alone with that asshole. 

Hank leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples, Erin knew this meant she wasn't going to like what was about to come out of his mouth. 

"I contacted the local authorities as soon as I got the lab report. They informed me the motel has burnt to the ground. There was a body found in the main building, female, likely Karli's, although they're waiting on dental records to make the final identification. No sign of Mike."

"So he burnt the place to the ground and skipped town," Erin bit out. 

"It appears that way. They put out an arrest warrant for him and I've contacted State police in North Carolina."

"Sam!" Erin exclaimed, "if he torched the motel and killed Karli,"

"He might be clued in that we were poking around looking into Shelby's disappearance. He might try to shut Sam up too," Jay finished. 

Hank nodded. "Or he might be trying to get as far away from this as he can. But I've made the State police aware of the situation regardless. Mike is on their radar. And I just got off the phone with Sam. She's agreed to take a little vacation, get out of the area for a couple weeks. She'll check in in a couple days."

Erin nodded, glad to hear Sam was taking things seriously. 

Hank's eyes looked past Erin out the window of his office. "What's the deal with him?" Hank directed his question at Jay. Jay turned and followed Hank's gaze to Mouse's desk. He watched as Mouse arranged then rearranged things on his desk before running his hands threw his disheveled hair. He looked like shit. He looked nervous. Jay cursed silently. 

"I don't know, but I'll talk to him," Jay assured Hank. The older man gave a nod. Jay was relieved Voight was leaving this to him, at least for the moment.

"So that's it? We just sit and wait?" Erin asked, returning their attention to Mike. 

"For now that's all we can do," Hank nodded. "Don't go getting any ideas either," he warned her. "You've got too much at stake now."

Reluctantly Erin agreed. They had to stay focused on Lily. 

Lily. 

A horrifying thought went through her mind. 

"What if Mike knows where Lily is? We know now he murdered Shelby so that means he had to have something to do with getting rid of Lily. What if he sold her to Christopher directly?"

"He'd be pretty stupid to come here," Hank reminded her. 

"And if he does we'll handle it," Jay assured her, reminding her who she was and just how capable they were of protecting Lily. 

Erin calmed and nodded. No way would Mike get anywhere near Lily. 

"I've put an officer outside Lily's door until she's released just in case but he'd have to be a whole lot dumber then we think to come looking for her. It's more likely he took whatever cash they had on hand at the motel and is running as far as he can get from all this."

It made the most sense. So Erin shook off her fear. With nothing left to discuss at the moment Hank dismissed them. Erin returned to her desk to put a dent in her paperwork and Jay headed to Mouse. 

/

"What's up man, what do you need?" Mouse asked as he and Jay walked into the room in the districts basement Mouse used as his tech cave. 

"Actually that's what I wanted to ask you," Jay said trying to keep his tone light. "You doing okay?"

"Fine," Mouse replied but he shifted anxiously from foot to foot and refused to meet Jay's eyes. 

"You sure? You seem a little off lately. If there's something going on you know I got your back right?"

"I said I'm fine," Mouse replied a little to sharply. This time he met Jay's eyes with an annoyed glare. 

Jay sighed. He didn't want to push if Mouse didn't want to talk but he knew he wasn't fine and he didn't want to see Mouse blow his life up again. 

"Look," Jay started. "I'm worried about you man. You've been coming in late, you're distracted, you look like shit. If something's up just say so. Whatever it is we can deal with it but you keep this shit up much longer and Voight's not gonna put up with it." 

Mouse ran his hands through his hair and paced back and forth once. For a moment Jay thought he'd gotten through to him. He meant what he said. Whatever was going on with Mouse, Jay would be here to help him get out of it. Mouse stopped his pacing and looked Jay in the eye. He was struck by how empty Mouse expression was. 

"I'm fine. It's nothing. This girl I was seeing was a handful. I cut her loose last night. It got a bit messy. It's all good. Voight has nothing to worry about. Neither do you, so can we get back to work now?" 

Mouse didn't wait for a response, moving around Jay to the exit. Jay stood in place a moment longer debating his next move. He didn't know what was going on with Mouse but he knew his best friend had just lied to his face. 

/

"You're right the view is lovely!" Helen said enthusiastically as she scanned the skyline out Erin and Jay's floor to ceiling windows. "What's also lovely is seeing Mary's ring on your finger. James would be so please with Jay's choice." 

Erin felt her cheeks flush slightly. While Jay tidied up from dinner Erin had taken Aunt Helen on a tour of the building to give her an idea of the type of amenities most condos had in Chicago. They'd come back a few minutes ago and Helen was admiring the view from the window while Erin poured their coffee. 

"Well I'm pretty pleased with my choice," Jay smirked proudly and sat beside Erin on the couch. 

Aunt Helen chuckled as she came to join them, taking a sip of her coffee. "It's nice to see you so confident Jay. You're Grandparents would be proud of the man you've become. But you're coffee making skills could use some work," she teased placing her cup back on the table. 

"Sorry, guess we like it a little strong," Jay apologized. 

"It's fine," she waved him off. "I'm just teasing. No sense in letting your ego get overblown. This evening was lovely. Thank you. And I think everyone's right. I can see myself getting use to living in a place like this." 

"That's great. We can give you the name of the real estate agent we used if you like?" Erin offered. 

"That would be fine. Now tell me, how are you doing? How are things with Lily going?" Helen changed the topic. Maybe it wasn't a subtle transition but she was done making small talk and wanted to get to the real reason she was here. She'd led her nephew and his fiancé on long enough letting them think this visit was about the type of housing she'd like to live in. 

"Mostly good. We think she'll be home next week," Erin offered but Helen could see Erin wasn't as happy as she should be about that. 

"How did she take the news?" Helen probed. 

"Good. She seems happy to be coming home with us but,"

"She's been through a lot. It will take her time to really feel secure here." Helen finished for her. 

Erin nodded. She could relate to what Lily was feeling. She'd been hesitate, skeptical, a little scared even, when Hank had brought her home. She kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and it was months before she started to accept that maybe he meant it when he said he just wanted her to have a safe place to live and try to make something of herself. She could be patient with Lily. At least on that front she felt like she was the best person to help Lily. It was all the other stuff she wasn't sure she'd be good at. 

"Nervous?" Helen asked watching Erin's expression. 

"Yes of course," Erin laughed a little at how obvious her fear at messing up must be. 

"Erin's worried we won't have childcare in place by the judge's deadline," Jay explained. "We both are actually. We haven't had much luck. Actually I was telling Erin we should ask you about that, maybe you might know someone?"

Helen nodded knowingly, "it's hard to trust a stranger with the people most precious to you. And Lily isn't you're typical child," she observed. 

"I'm terrified of making things worse for her," Erin confessed. 

Helen shook her head. "My dear, I don't think that's possible, you're going to be a great mother. And Jay a wonderful father. You both have excellent instincts and I can see there will be no shortage of love in this home. Lily will flourish here, you'll see." She felt for the young couple. They were jumping in the deep end with this child. She remembered how nerve wracking raising her own boys was at times. 

Her assurances felt nice but Erin, and Jay too if he'd allow himself to admit it, was starting to panic about this child care issue and their ability to be parents now that it was going to be a reality in a matter of days. 

"As for helping to find her a care giver, I do think I can offer something there."

"Really?" Erin asked hopefully. 

"Well, it may not be what you're expecting but I've been giving this a lot of thought since your uncle's funeral Jay. And I've spoken with my boys about it as well, they were both supportive. I just don't want to return to working at the hospice. I miss working with children. So I was wondering, what would you think if I helped you with Lily?"

Jay and Erin looked at each other dumbfounded. "Aunt Helen, we can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking, I'm offering." She corrected Jay. 

"But what about retiring?" He countered. 

"To do what? Still around and get old? No thank you. I need something meaningful to fill my day. Lily needs someone around who will love her like her own while the two of you are at work, plus I have all the medical knowledge to help with her recovery." Helen knew she was more than qualified for the job. 

"We work kind of crazy hours, sometimes in the middle of the night," Erin hedged. She didn't want to get her hopes too high. 

Helen nodded. It was time to come clean and reveal all her cards. "That won't be a problem. In fact I have a confession, I've already spoken to a real estate agent about finding a unit in this building. That way I will be close when you need me." Helen watched as her nephew and fiancé put together that tonight's visit had all been a set up for her to approach them about caring for Lily. When she saw the hope forming in their eyes she knew she'd be getting her way. 

"You really sure about this?" Jay asked, not wanting to take advantage of his aunt. 

"I am. My boys seem in no hurry to make me a grandmother, my nephew's little girl is the next best thing. If your mother were here I guarantee she'd insist on helping out Jay," Helen said, knowing she'd clinched the deal by bringing up Jay's mother. "I want to do this. Kathrine would do it in my place too. It will be just as good for me as it will be Lily. She needs family now, not some hired help." And with that she knew they wouldn't say no. 

The relief on Erin's face made Helen want to throw her arms around the poor girl and reassure her that everything was going to work out just fine, but she knew it would be some time before Erin would be comfortable with that level of intimacy in their relationship. All in good time, Helen thought to herself. She smiled as she watched the couple have a silent conversation with their eyes. She and Thomas use to talk like that. Her heart hurt so much when she though of him. She knew caring for Lily and helping this young family find their way would fill the emptiness his death had left in her. 

"We would love that," Erin began. 

"Good," Helen said, all business, no sense in letting them see her screech like an excited school girl. They might change their minds and have her committed. "We'll talk in a day or two once I've got the final arrangements made on the condo and work out the details. I'd like to meet Lily before she's discharged too, so she can get a feel for me. And maybe you can arrange for me to meet with her doctor so I can get up to speed on everything?"

"Of course, whatever you need," Erin assured her. "I think Lily will love you, at least as much as I do right now," Erin laughed. In the last few minutes she'd felt as if she won the lottery, a huge weight lifting off her. She knew intuitively she could trust this woman. Jay and Will adored her. Her own sons had turned into incredible men at her hands and clearly worshipped her and it was obvious she really wanted to do this. "Will is pretty up to date with Lily's medical stuff too if you want to speak with him in the meantime. I'm afraid I've been driving him crazy lately with questions."

"Nonsense. Will loves to feel needed, feeds his ego. I'm afraid you'll find all the Halstead men have huge egos," Helen laughed and then rolled her eyes at Jay's fiend innocence. 

"Seriously, Aunt Helen, you've no idea how much you're saving us right now, thank you," Jay offered sincerely. 

They chatted for a few more minutes before Helen hugged them both goodbye. When she left Erin leaned against the door, her body limp with relief. 

"I think I could cry I'm so happy right now," she confessed with a small laugh. 

Jay chuckled and pulled her into a hug. "See, told you there was nothing to worry about and it would all work out."

"That's not exactly what you said," Erin reminded him. 

"Close enough, but I think we should head to bed so you can thank me."

"Thank you?" Erin cocked an eye at him. 

"Yes, if it hadn't been for my great idea Aunt Helen wouldn't be taking care of Lily," Jay reminded Erin. 

Erin rolled her eyes. Aunt Helen was definitely right about the egos. "I'm pretty sure she's had that idea all on her own for a little while now." 

"Maybe, but you should still come to bed and thank me. I mean she's MY aunt after all. You wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for me," he countered. 

Erin couldn't help but laugh at the cute expression on Jay's face. How could she not love this man? "You go ahead, I'll clear up the rest of the dishes and be there in a minute." She laughed even harder at the broad smile of victory that spread across his face before he turned and headed down the hall to the bedroom. 

/

Jay swished the water around his mouth and spit the remains of toothpaste into the sink. He turned off the water and stood straight again, catching his reflection in the mirror. Instead of his own face staring back at him, his eyes filled with the image of Lily's dead body lying in the dust in Kandahar, her eyes vacant and lost. His ears filled with the shrill sound of Bunny's voice. 

"Murderer!" 

Jay looked away quickly. He felt his hands gripping the edge of the vanity, his breathing was quick and shallow, heart rate accelerated. 

"Stop!" He demanded, forcing himself to take slower, deeper breaths. He hadn't had a panic attack in years and he wasn't about to let one take over now. Besides, tonight was a good night he reminded himself. His aunt had just bailed them out big time and he was about to make love to his beautiful fiancé. There was no need to let some stupid dream mess with his head. And he sure as hell wasn't gonna let Bunny in there either. 

But his thoughts circled back around to what Voight had told them about Mike earlier. He'd convinced Erin that they were safe, even if Mike was stupid enough to come around he'd be no match for them. 

You can't be with them every second, his reflection reminded him. You've let other people die. Jay gripped the vanity harder. He forced himself not to think about Hollingsworth or the other soldiers who had died. He wouldn't let his mind see the little boy who died in that hut in Kandahar. He held back thoughts of Ben and Terry. He knew where these thoughts would lead him. 

"Don't do this. Not now. You are stronger than this," he coached himself quietly. 

He didn't care what the doubt in his head was saying. He would keep them safe. He'd do whatever it took to make sure Erin and Lily were never hurt. Tomorrow he'd talk to Mouse about installing some extra security measures in the apartment and whichever unit his aunt bought. The building was secure but he'd feel better this way. He would talk to Voight too, when Erin wasn't around, and see if more could be done to track Mike down. 

"You change your mind Halstead and decide to hide out in there?" He heard Erin call through the door. 

Jay's head snapped towards the door. "Hell no!" He called back, trying to sound playful. 

He took one last look at his reflection. "Don't let this fuck with you," he threatened himself. Then headed back into the bedroom. There was more pleasurable things to focus on tonight.


	75. 75

"Mouse!" Jay called again trying to get his friends attention. 

"Yeah?" Mouse swivelled his chair around and looked across the bullpen in Jay's direction. 

"I asked if you'd found anything on the footage the bank sent over?" Jay repeated himself. 

"Umm... yeah, I mean no. No sign of our suspect or any of his associates on the tapes." Mouse stuttered out. 

Jay signed. He didn't know how much longer he was gonna last. Today was the day. Lily was being discharged. He'd had a brick in his stomach all morning. Sure he was happy they were finally able to break the little munchkin out of the hospital but then that made her their responsibility and if anything went wrong... he cut that though off quick and focused back on Mouse. 

Thinking about Mouse wasn't making his stomach feel any better. 

He needed to make some progress on this case and so far it was all dead ends. It didn't help that it had taken Mouse twice as long as usual to go over the video footage. 

Jay looked him over. He seemed nervous, his hands were no longer steady, his stutter had returned. His eyes were red rimmed and had heavy bags under them. Jay knew what it all meant but was surprised by how bad it had gotten in the last couple weeks. Their little talk last week hadn't seemed to help and Jay got the feeling Mouse had been going out of his way to avoid him ever since. He needed to step in and help his friend, but he wasn't sure how since Mouse refused to tell him what was going on. He didn't for one second buy the messy break up story. And with a violent pedophile running around the city and Lily coming home today he was having a hard time juggling his concern for his friend too. 

Jay rubbed his temples. Another headache was coming on. The kind that came when it felt like he was carrying a hundred pound pack on his back with no clue how to get it off. 

/

Erin felt her cheeks stretch in a smile for a least the fifth time since they'd gone to pick Lily up. She looked over at Lily who was clutching Maddy and the two stuffed animals Jay had bought her before Christmas. They had packed the rest of her belongings and brought them home yesterday but Lily had kept the three animals to sleep with her last night in the hospital. While her arms held tight to her best friends her little head was leaned on Jay's shoulder. He'd scooped her up outside the car and carried her into the elevator. She'd looked so nervous looking up at the big building from the parking lot and Jay had been right there to make her feel safe and protected, the same way he always made Erin feel. The elevator dinged and the door opened. Sure Erin was nervous, okay scared shitless, about taking care of Lily but these little moments where Jay was being tender and protective were helping to keep her anxiety in check. He looked so confident holding on to her. Erin reminded herself with Jay by her side she should be able to do this. 

"We're here," Erin said cheerily, trying to help Lily feel better. 

They hadn't planned anything elaborate for Lily's homecoming, deciding it was best to have a quiet evening and let Lily meet all the import people slowly over time. They didn't want to overwhelm her. True, she'd already seemed somewhat comfortable with Will since he popped in on her for a few minutes each time he was on shift. Erin had noticed how he managed to coax small giggles and smiles out of her with silly jokes. She was glad of that given how afraid she seemed to be of most people, especially men. Hank was familiar too now. He had popped in from time to time and Erin choked up a bit now remembering how he'd crouched down to her eye level and introduced himself to her as Papa in the soft reassuring voice he saved for kids. 

Lily's introduction to Aunt Helen could not have gone any smoother. Like Erin, Lily took to Jay's aunt instantly. She spent several hours a day playing with Lily at the hospital before her release. True to her word, Helen had met with Erin and Lily's doctor as well as her psychologist and DCFS worker. Helen had charmed them as well and told Erin she would do whatever it took to help them get permanent custody of Lily. She was at the condo now, having insisted on preparing a quiet welcome home dinner for the new family. 

Once inside the apartment Jay set Lily down. "Would you like the tour?" He asked crouching down beside her. She nodded shyly. "Want to start with your new bedroom?" Lily gave another shy nod. 

Erin followed behind and watched Lily slip her hand into Jay's as they walked down the hall to Lily's room. Erin was nervous about the reveal. She'd asked Lily over the last two weeks about her favourite colours and the type of bedroom she might like. Lily had surprised Erin when she said she wished she could live in the ocean and swim with dolphins. 

Jay and Erin had been up late the last few nights painting the walls a pale blue and decorating. Sam had sent along some of Shelby's art work already and Erin hung a few of her ocean paintings. She'd found seashells and a few dolphin figurines to place on some of the shelves they'd put up and a beadspresd with sea creatures all over it. Jay had taken his time neatly arranging the toys and books Lily got for Christmas on shelves and in bins. They'd left plenty of room for Lily to add in things of her choosing over time. Erin hoped Lily would like the room but more importantly feel safe in it. She couldn't help but think back to the day they'd found her crouched in the corner of the cold damp basement on the filthy mattress. She wanted to erase those memories from Lily's mind and give her the childhood she deserved. 

Before they opened the bedroom door Erin crouched down beside Lily. "Everything in this room belongs to you. No one can ever take it from you. If there's anything you don't like, it's okay. We can change it. This is your home now and we want you to feel happy here okay?" 

Lily nodded. She hadn't said much today but Erin knew how overwhelming this must be for her. She remembered following behind Hank up the steps to what would become her bedroom in the Voight household. She remembered looking around the small bedroom with the creaky windows and feeling like it was all too good to be true, but eventually the space would become her safe haven. It was a space all her own where both her belonging and privacy were respected. A place that she could retreat to and feel safe no matter what was going on in the outside world. She wanted Lily to know what that felt like. Erin nodded up at Jay and he turned the handle on the door and pushed it open slowly. 

Lily hesitated before entering but eventually she let go of her tight grip on Jay's hand, readjusted her favourite stuffed animals under her other arm, and slowly walked through the door. She turned in slow circles, her eyes going wide and darting here and there trying to take everything in. She spied a collection of sea shells sitting on a low shelf and slowly moved towards them seemingly mesmerized. "Can I, can I touch?" She asked quietly. 

"Of course. Everything in this room is yours to touch and play with," Erin assured her again. 

Lily stretched out a hesitant finger and ran it over the smooth surface of one shell then the bumpy nubs on another before turning her attention to the bed. There was a large stuffed dolphin laying against several seashell and starfish shaped pillows. She glanced back over her shoulder for permission. 

Jay and Erin both nodded. "We thought maybe Maddy might like to have some more friends to play with," Jay said lightly. 

His heart melted at her bright smile and watched as she pulled herself and her stuffed animals onto the bed. They let her get her bearings for a few moments watching her stroke the soft fabric of the pillows and bedding. Erin couldn't help but notice how Lily seemed to be drawn to textures, always needing to experience things through touch. She had done that in the hospital too when Erin had brought her pyjamas and slippers the second time they'd visited. Erin remember Shelby use to love playing with playdoh and sand and of course her love of painting and drawing and wondered if Lily had inherited her mother's tactile relationship to the world and artistic eye. 

"So, what do you think?" Jay asked, coming to sit on the end of the bed. "Did we do an okay job?" 

Erin smiled again seeing the genuine concern in Jay's eyes. He wanted so badly to please Lily. He'd been so meticulous setting up her room. She just hoped he'd be okay the first time he walked in here after she'd made a mess. This made Erin chuckle. She knew he wouldn't get mad at Lily for messing up her room but she was going to enjoy watching him keep a lid on his compulsive need for order with a child in the house now. 

Jay shot a questioning look at Erin's quiet laugh but she shook her head, dismissing his question. 

"Lily?" She prompted when Lily hadn't answered Jay. "Jay asked if you liked everything okay." She sat next to the tiny girl on the bed. 

Lily looked around the room again before turning her big eyes on her new guardians.   
"If feels like a dream,"'she whispered. "But the good kind. Not the scary ones." 

Erin rubbed Lily's back. "Hopefully you won't have too many more scary ones, but we'll be here if you do. You can just call us, we'll be sleeping right across the hall. Want to see?" 

Lily nodded again and they led her on a tour of the rest of her new home. Jay smiled proudly when Lily's eyes just about popped out of her head seeing the size of his tv. 

"We're gonna watch all the good shows on this together," he assured her with a wink. 

Lily blushed and ducked her head shyly. Erin shook her head with a laugh. It seemed women of all ages fell for the Halstead charm. 

"All settled in?" Helen called gently as she made her way out of the kitchen. 

"Yes. I have a dolphin and seashells!" Lily exclaimed with quiet excitement. Jay and Erin exchanged relieved looks, excited themselves that they'd made Lily happy. 

"That's wonderful, I wonder if I could come and see them after we have something to eat?" Helen asked matching Lily's enthusiasm. 

Once again Lily gave a solemn nod "and maybe we could watch a movie after?" She hedged, looking up at Jay then the huge tv. 

"Absolutely!" Jay confirmed. 

Lily laughed at his silly grin and let Helen lead her to the dining table. 

/

"You awake?" Jay asked softly in the dark later that night. He felt Erin shift, roll over and lay her head on his chest. His arm automatically came around her shoulder and started stroking the soft bare skin. 

"Yeah. I keep thinking I hear her. And then I wonder what I'm gonna say if she has a nightmare to make her feel better."

"Me too," Jay admitted. 

"I'm happy she's here but I'm scared." Erin confessed then pushed herself up to look at Jay. "But I'm really glad you're here. I don't know how I would have done this without you. You've been amazing, so thank you." 

Jay swallowed past the lump in his throat. He was glad he was here too but how did he tell her he didn't feel like he was all that amazing? Instead he felt like he was holding on for dear life hoping to hell he didn't let her or Lily down. So instead he kissed her slow and gentle hoping she'd know just how much she meant to him. 

A blood curling scream had them both flying out of bed an hour later and across the hall to Lily's room. Jay's heart thudded wildly as he and Erin worked to cam Lily's panic. She was drenched I sweat and in her terror had peed the bed. Once her fear subsided enough for her to talk she began apologizing profusely. 

"Please don't be mad. I didn't mean to. I can sleep on the floor," she hiccuped. 

"Oh sweetie. We're not mad," Erin soothed her. "And we can easily clean all this up."

"There's lots more sheets, don't worry," Jay offered. He felt an overwhelming sense of anger building inside him towards the people who had hurt her. Lily was still reluctant to talk about it but, judging from how scared she was, some really bad things had happened to her. He was glad Christopher and Stacey were dead because Jay would likely have ended up in jail for the beating he wanted to give that price of scum for scaring and hurting Lily. He wanted to get his hands on Mike too. It was his fault Lily didn't have a mother after all. Instead he stripped down Lily's bed while Erin took the shivering little girl into the bathroom to wash up. 

By the time Erin carried her back into the room wrapped in a big fluffy towel Lily's bed was good as new. 

"Can I sleep with you?" She asked, her big eyes pleading as she looked between them. 

They knew what the psychologist said about her needing to sleep in her own bed but the truth was she'd scared them both so bad they needed the comfort of having her close as much as she did. So once Erin had helped her dress in clean pj's Jay held out his arms to her. It made him feel like the king of the world when she came and snuggled into him. In this moment his anxieties slipped away and he felt like he really could protect this tiny being. He breathed in the scent of her freshly washed hair. It was sweet, like strawberries, and innocent smelling. He couldn't stand the idea of leaving her all alone again tonight and one look at Erin told him she felt the same way. So he stood, gently lifting her in his arms as he did, and carried her across the hall. 

"Maddy!" Lily cried out at the last second. 

Jay turned to see Erin holding the puppy out for her. 

"Got her right here sweetheart," she smiled reassuringly at Lily. 

They settled Lily between them in their bed. She curled into Erin's side holding tight to her little stuffed puppy. Jay eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could just make out Erin's fingers slowly stroking through Lily's hair. The little girls' breathing soon evened out and Jay shifted so his arm reached across Lily to Erin's hip. Erin placed her own arm over his, completing the connection, and drifted off to sleep. 

/

The rest of the week felt like a blur to Erin. She spent her days entertaining Lily, trying to help her feel more at home and secure in their little condo. They had a visit from their new child psychologist who spent some time doing play therapy with Lily before helping Erin come up with strategies to help Lily deal with her traumatic memories. Helen popped in for a few hours each day to work with Lily too. Erin was glad for her medical training because Helen was completely comfortable giving Lily her medicine and attuned to her physical needs. She was also an amazing cook and seemed to get a lot of enjoyment out of feeding them, something Jay couldn't stop raving about. 

They couldn't venture out much, given they needed to reduce Lily's exposure to germs and how cold it was, so by mid week Erin was feeling a bit of cabin fever. It was always hard for Erin to be away from the job but being confined by the schedule of a sick child she was terrified of messing up with was making it even harder. She wanted to be a good mother figure for Lily but she was struggling with being at home all day. 

On Thursday Helen, sensing Erin's growing restlessness, put her foot down and insisted Erin get out of the house for a few hours. The idea made her feel incredibly guilty but Helen reminded Erin once she returned to work Lily needed to get use to her leaving and being home alone with Helen. So, she argued, this was an excellent trial run. Another wave of guilt hit when the crisp Chicago winter air on her cheeks made Erin feel like she'd just broken out of jail. Erin made the most of her time away though, getting in some time at the gym and stopping by the district with lunch for her team. Reconnecting with the boys for a few minutes had helped immensely and she found herself recharged and happy to come home to Lily. 

The nights didn't go nearly as well as the days but Lily did look forward to Jay coming home. He spent most of his limited time with her playing with lego. And she seemed to enjoy their evening rituals. She claimed no one could read her favourite books as well as he could and Erin agreed with her there. There was nothing sweeter than watching Lily curl up beside Jay while he read in funny voices making Lily shake with laugher. Nor, Lily claimed, could anyone tuck Maddy in as well as Jay either. But once tucked in for the night, Lily continued to have nightmares. 

Erin could see the toll the sleepless nights were taking on Jay and worried about how it would affect him at work, especially since she wasn't there to have his back. She'd considered going back early, thinking that over all Lily was doing better than expected, until Friday morning. 

Erin had gone into Lily's room to hang up some clean laundry before Clara came for a home visit. She paused to enjoy the sight of Lily playing with her stuffed animals on her bed for a moment. When she opened the closet the smell made her gag. Confused, Erin started rooting around for the source of the offensive smell shocked to find rotting food hiding in shoes and behind boxes. When she to turned to ask Lily about it she had disappeared from the bed. Erin quickly scanned the room, her heart breaking when she spied Lily curled in a tight ball in the corner, shivering with fear. 

Cautiously Erin approached Lily and crouched in front of her. "Lily," she coaxed, laying her hand gently on the little girl's arm. But Lily jerked away in fear. 

"Please don't hurt me," she begged. 

Erin felt her throat tighten with emotion. Not for the first time she cursed the monsters that had put their hands on her niece. 

Erin cooed softly to Lily, eventually coaxing her to look at Erin. "Lily there are lots of promises I can't make you but I can say without any doubt that I promise I will never ever hit you or do anything to hurt you ever. And neither will Jay."

It took some time but eventually Lily climbed into Erin's lap and confessed she hid the food because she was scared there wouldn't be enough to eat like when she lived with her old mommy. Again Erin had flashes to her own childhood and all the times she and Teddy had watched their mother drink away and snort up their grocery money. She remembered the hunger pains and how listening to Teddy quietly cry his belly hurt had led her on more than one occasion to steal food. She sat for a long time with Lily trying to find ways to reassure Lily that she'd never have to worry about being hungry again. 

Later that night when Erin was filling Jay in on the day's events she was caught off guard by how fierce and quick his temper flared. 

"I swear to god if they weren't dead I'd rip them limb from limb," Jay cursed loudly. 

He ranted for a good ten minutes about what he wanted to do to Mike before she was finally able to calm him, reminding him that Lily was just down the hall. 

She didn't know how her comment made him feel ashamed of his behaviour. She had no way of knowing the sudden outburst had more to do with his own feelings of helplessness with both Lily and Mouse. And the idea that he'd brought some of that anger into the place that was supposed to be Lily's safe haven disgusted him. She didn't know he was having flashbacks almost daily now to his time in Afghanistan or that they had turned up yet another dead little boy today and were still no closer to catching the pedophile responsible. Nor did she know he had stood over the sink in the locker room this morning willing his hands to stop shaking and his heart to slow down. It was getting harder and harder to suppress the panic attacks and the fear of losing control was shortening his fuse. 

He apologized, and before Erin could reassure him it was okay he was out the door, telling her he needed to go to the boxing gym to blow off some steam. Erin was left dumbfounded by the whole exchange and upset with herself for clearly having handled things with Jay so poorly. 

He still wasn't home when Lily woke with a nightmare, leaving Erin to comfort and clean her up by herself. At Clara's suggestion Erin settled in with Lily in Lily's own bed that night hoping to help Lily eventually feel safer in her room. 

When he did eventually get home Jay was upset to find their bed empty, thinking he had angered Erin and she chose to sleep in with Lily instead. He tossed and turned that night having nightmares of his own. 

Saturday night the nightmare was Erin's. But she was wide awake when her biggest childhood fear came to life.


	76. 76

Erin woke Saturday morning to a text from Jay saying he'd been called in. She knew they were working on a high profile case but Hank had told her to stay out of it when she'd popped by the other day, and Jay had been tight lipped too. She knew they were only trying to help her stay focused on Lily but it was uncomfortable being out of the loop. It also sent her imagination into overdrive worrying about her partners safety. She sent him back a quick text telling him to be safe and check in when he could then turned her attention to getting Lily and herself some breakfast. 

Jay didn't get home until after dinner that night. He was exhausted. Erin offered to make him something to eat but he'd only mumbled a no thanks before flopping down on the couch. He could tell by her tone that she'd already put behind them what had happened last night but he still felt bad he'd upset her enough she gone and slept somewhere else, not knowing the real reason she hadn't slept in their bed. 

When Lily asked him to play with her he just couldn't muster the energy, something else to feel bad about, but he offered to watch a movie with her instead. She eyed him closely and hesitated before coming to sit beside him. He cursed the Lindsay genes in her silently. The girl had inherited her aunts ability to read people and she clearly could see he wasn't the hero she'd thought he was and someone she shouldn't so blindly put her faith in. 

This led his thoughts back to the day's events. He'd turned up at the address Voight had texted him this morning and found himself standing over yet another young boy's dead body. That made four since they'd caught the case just over a week ago. They were dealing with a serial rapist and murderer and the Ivory Tower was flipping out on them to hurry up and catch the man responsible. Jay scrubbed his hand down his face. Four innocent boys dead. Four little boys he couldn't save. He'd make the sick son of a bitch pay when they caught him. 

Erin's phone vibrated on the coffee table in front of him. He saw Voight's name light up the screen. No doubt his boss was calling Erin to check up on him. Voight had sent him home for the night after Jay had tossed a chair across the break room in frustration. He had every right to be frustrated. They all were. They were supposed to be the best damn unit in the city and they had nothing. No leads. No way to stop this asshole before another boy was hurt. Erin scooped the phone up and answered it, crossing to the kitchen so as not to disrupt the movie. 

/

She disconnected the call to Voight. 

She remembered the first time she'd felt like this. It was shortly after Bunny had moved them back to Chicago, after Shelby had 'died.' Her mom had been drinking, a lot. 

She remembered it was dark and cold in their tiny apartment and she was afraid. She'd had a bad dream, the one about Shelby. She tried to wake her mom up but no matter how hard she shook her, Bunny didn't budge. 

Erin remembered the sick feeling in her stomach. She remembered thinking about all the terrible things that would happen to her if Bunny didn't wake up. It scared her more than the nightmares did. She remembered curling up in a ball beside her mother's unconscious body, trying to stay warm, and crying. 

She dreamt that night, dreams even more horrible then the ones she had of Shelby. She dreamt about the scary men Chrissie across the hall said her mama said would come and take little girls like her away and do mean things to them if they were bad.   
She woke screaming from her dream but Bunny didn't comfort her. She still lay passed out, oblivious to her daughter's fear. 

Erin had never felt so alone. 

Sometime in the early morning Bunny had finally woken. Erin's relief felt like ecstasy. She watched as her mother stumbled to the bathroom then back to the couch without so much as acknowledging Erin's existence. She picked up a half empty bottle of amber liquid and tipped it against her lips, taking a huge gulp. The relief Erin felt turned to rejection then blinding anger. 

She'd learned the bitter reality of her life that morning. She couldn't survive without her mother, but she couldn't depend on her either. 

For the next nine years Erin would carry the burden of having to keep her mother around and alive in order to keep her worse nightmares from coming true. 

Eventually Hank would make his way into her life and Erin's childhood fears would slowly recede to the back of her mind. But tonight, in one phone call, the one she'd been dreading for years, Hank had stirred up all those old nightmares. 

"Erin? Erin!" Jay called

"What?" Erin looked across the living room  
to where Jay sat watching tv. She hadn't realized she'd stood staring at her phone, taking her little trip down memory lane. 

"What did Voight want?" Jay could tell by her serious expression their boss hadn't just been calling to check in on him like he'd thought. 

"Umm, he was..." Erin took a breathe. She didn't exactly want to tell him in front of Lily. Jay took the hint, gave Lily a quick kiss on the forehead, got up and came to talk to Erin. 

"What's up?"

She took another breath before letting the words she'd always feared come out of her mouth. "Bunny's in the hospital, they don't think she's gonna make it."

"What?" Jay only took a beat before his mind cleared of everything and he went into action. "I'll call Aunt Helen to stay with Lily," he offered, dialling her number as he placed a reassuring hand on Erin's shoulder. Whatever hell that woman had put Erin through she was still her mother and Jay could tell by the look on Erin's face she was having a hard time with the news. 

Within a few minutes Helen was settled in their apartment, they'd kissed Lily goodbye and Jay was racing them to med. Erin hadn't spoken another word but she kept her fingers tightly entwined with Jay's. He was grateful for the connection that had felt strained these last few days because if anyone could send Erin off the deep end it was Bunny. Jay couldn't even fathom how he'd deal with that on top of everything else right now. 

/

"So what are you saying exactly?" Erin pinned Will with her directness. They stood outside the ED room where Bunny lay, unconscious and hooked up to what looked like every machine they had in the place. Will had explained how Bunny had been brought in, her injuries and what they'd done for her so far. 

"I'm sorry Erin but there's no chance of recovery. I'll give you some time but," 

"You want Erin's permission to take her off life support," Hank finished for Will. 

"Yes," he confirmed his eyes filling with empathy for Erin. He'd heard stories about Erin's psychotic mother from Jay but that didn't mean he wanted to be the one to give her this kind of news. 

Jay and Hank thanked Will and let him head out to check on his other patients while they gave Erin a minute to process everything. When they turned back to look at Erin she was already pacing half way down the hall. They approached her cautiously. 

Memories flooded Erin's mind. She remembered filling the tub up with cold water and dragging her mother's unconscious body into the bathroom and folding her into the tub. A girl of her size shouldn't have been able to do it but what choice had she had? If she couldn't get her mother to wake up she might as well be dead herself for the hell she'd have to live in. No matter how bad things got with Bunny Erin knew going into the system would be worse. And the woman hadn't even been grateful, she'd just barked at Erin to bring her her cigarettes. 

She'd remembered all the times Bunny had come to her with one of her scams. She'd profess her love and say how she wanted a relationship, a real mother daughter relationship, and then drop whatever mess she'd created in Erin's lap. Leaving Erin to clean up her mess, just like she'd had to clean the vomit off her drunk and overdosing body time and again. 

She turned to face Hank and Jay just as they came close. Instead of the sorrow they expected to find, her face was washed in anger. 

"She can't even die without making it my problem," she bit out. 

"Erin," Hank began. 

"Don't," she spit back before releasing a breath. "I have to call Teddy," she said more quietly and pulled out her phone. "I'll be back in a minute."

Jay and Hank exchanged uncertain looks. Anger wasn't the emotion either man had been expecting but she seemed to be taking the news better than either of them expected. They hey knew her well though, knew Erin's emotions often came in waves and she was good at pushing things down and saving them for later. 

Hank cursed when his phone rang. He grunted a few times then disconnected with a frustrated sigh. "They turned up another one," he informed Jay referring to the little boys they'd been finding dead all over the city. "Son of a bitch is working fast. I need to go. You stay with Erin for now. I'll tell her on my way out." And with that Voight stalked towards the exit Erin had gone through. 

Jay watched the exit, waiting for Erin to come back in, until his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number and answered with a cautious hello. 

"Jay, it's me, Greg," Mouse's voice was shaking. 

"Hey, what's up?" Jay asked carefully. 

"I, umm, I was wondering if you could come down here?"

Mouse's timing couldn't be worse but Jay didn't want to leave his friend hanging. "Where's here?"

"9th District. I ah, I'm kinda in a jam."

"What? Mouse what's going on?" Jay asked with mounting concern. 

"They picked me up, I asked for my phone call."

"Picked you up for what Greg?" Jay's blood ran cold. He was gonna kill Mouse if he was stupid enough to get caught with drugs again. He wasn't sure he'd be able to make it go away this time. 

"They umm, they think I tried to kill someone. Please come Jay. I'm freaking out here!" Jay could hear the panic in Mouse's voice. His instinct was to run to his friend, find out what the hell was going on and get him the hell out of there but he saw Erin walking up to him. He couldn't leave her now. Not here like this. 

"What's going on?" Erin asked quietly seeing the panic on Jay's face. 

He covered his phone with his hand. "Mouse was brought into the ninth. They're talking about attempted murder."

"Oh my god Jay, go!" Erin cried in dismay. 

"But," Jay motioned towards the room Bunny lay in. 

Erin shook her head. "I'm fine." At his disbelieving look she assured him again. "It's fine Jay. I'm okay. You need to go. Mouse needs you."

Jay stared Erin in the eye for a moment. He could see for now her words were true. She did seem okay. He didn't feel right about leaving her like this but he couldn't leave Mouse either. He glance across the ED floor and saw his brother talking to one of the nurses. He'd give Will a heads up on his way out, makes sure Erin had some support if she needed it. 

"Mouse, sit tight. And don't say anything to anyone. I'm on my way," Jay assured him and ended the call. "You're sure?" 

"Yes, Teddy's on his way. He'll be awhile with her I think. We'll be okay. I'm more worried about Mouse right now." She assured him again. 

"I'm sorry," Jay said defeated. 

"Don't be." Erin wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a quick kiss. 

"Will's on shift all night, if you need anything. I'll be as quick as I can," he promised. 

"Don't worry. Just go get him."

Jay placed a lingering kiss on Erin's head. He took one last look in her eyes. 

She gave him a reassuring nod and stepped back. "Go babe. I promise I'll be okay." 

Jay nodded and left. He pushed down the guilt at leaving Erin and set his mind to Mouse. Attempted murder? What the hell had his friend got mixed up in?


	77. 77

Erin stood in the open doorway of the ED room her mother occupied waiting for Teddy to arrive. She hadn’t actually been in yet. She wasn't sure it was a good idea to go in actually. Her mind had been over run with memories of all the times her mother left Erin to clean up her messes. Her jaw tightened in anger. She cursed her mother for putting her in this position. She'd like nothing more than to sign the damn papers allowing the hospital to pull the plug and walk out of there. But no, nothing with Bunny could ever be that clean. 

First there was Teddy, he’d sounded genuinely upset on the phone. He was going to want to say goodbye, maybe even want a funeral. She sighed. Erin didn’t know if she could go through with all of that. This last year her mother had gone too far, finally erasing any shred of compassion or love Erin had for her, and she couldn’t feel any sympathy for the shell of a woman who lay in the hospital bed not ten feet from her. She certainly didn’t want to play the role of the grieving daughter when she wasn’t. She wasn’t ashamed to admit that she felt some relief knowing Bunny now couldn’t try and block their custody case with Lily any longer. 

Then there was the police investigation. According to Hank, Bunny had been brought in after someone in the building called 9-1-1. Apparently a neighbour had seen the apartment door ajar and when they looked in Bunny was laying on the floor. Hank also said they had a suspect in custody. Erin was sure it was one of her sleazy boyfriends. She'd probably screwed him over and he'd lost his shit on her. How many times had Erin seen that before? Only this time luck wasn't on Bunny's side. 

She looked at her mother’s still figure from the doorway again. She’d spent all those years afraid of this moment. Afraid of coming home and finding her dead or having the cops turn up and tell her they were taking her to a group home because they found Bunny’s body in a ditch. Erin had no idea that Hank had her mother flagged so that when the police ran her name in an attempt to find next of kin he was the first to be notified. She supposed she should be grateful that once again he was looking out for her. She'd always dreaded the idea of getting a call saying her mother was dead or dying and Hank had found a way to intercept, making sure he could be the one to tell her. Erin wondered if her past could finally stop being a burden to everyone in her life now that Bunny wouldn't be around to keep dredging it up. She'd have to remember to thank him for always being there to help her deal with the drama. 

Hank wasn’t here now though, and neither was Jay. She wasn’t upset with either of them for it. When Hank had explained a case was pulling him away she almost offered to go with him and help, except she needed to be here for Teddy. She was glad she was able to give Jay permission to leave too, she didn’t want him sitting here dealing with her garbage yet again. Erin glanced down at her phone, checking for a text from Jay. She hoped it didn’t take too long to straighten our whatever nonsense Mouse got himself mixed up in. When he did text to say everything was okay she'd make sure to send him home. He still looked so tired and she didn't see a need to subject him to Bunny's last bit of theatrics. 

/

It took Jay more effort than he had the patience for to sweet talk his way into the interrogation room Mouse was in. Unfortunately the officers he was friendly with at the ninth district were not on shift and he had to promise to owe the Desk Sargent one to get ten minutes alone with Mouse, off the record. He headed straight to the interrogation room, figuring it was best to know Mouse's version of events before he confronted the detectives on the case. 

When the interrogation door opened Mouse's whole body tensed, then relaxed when he saw Jay. But the angry way Jay's eyes bore into him and the sharp tone of his voice made Mouse tense up again. 

"What the hell is going on?" Jay demanded. 

He'd called his friend because he thought Jay would believe him and help him out but the accusation in his voice made him think he'd made a mistake. "I didn't do what they are accusing me of!" He spit at his friend. 

Jay sighed, brought a chair around to the side of the table Mouse was at and sat heavily. "Never said you did. But let's face it you haven't exactly been yourself lately man."

"What the hell would you know about it?" Mouse's defences were up. He couldn't think clearly. His paranoia was getting the best of him. He'd been trying to protect Jay from everything but now, now he could see that all Jay saw was a loser sitting across from him. A guilty one. 

"I know you're sitting in an police station and if you want to get out of here you'd better tell me what the hell is going on!"

"Well maybe I don't want out of here!" Mouse flung his angry words at Jay. 

"Really?" Jay's frustration increased. Instead of taking things seriously Mouse was going to sit here and have a stubborn tantrum? "This is how you want to play it? Why the hell did you call me then because on the phone you sounded pretty desperate for my help getting out," Jay reminded him. 

Mouse slammed his fists on the table. He knew he'd fucked up. And he sure as hell wanted out of here but he couldn't stand the way Jay was looking at him nor could he risk involving his friend in his mess. Mouse was confused. He didn't know what the right move was. So far every one he'd made had blown up in his face. 

Jay could see the wild look in Mouse's eyes. He was freaking out, letting too many thoughts cloud up his brain. Jay took a breath. He shouldn't have come in guns blazing. He knew better. But he'd just left Erin alone in the hospital to face her dying mother while his boss was running off, two detectives short, to try and catch a psychotic child molester when really they should be at home making Lily feel loved and safe. Jay needed to put a lid on all the shit he'd been fighting with and concentrate on the moment. There was no way he'd be able to help Mouse if he couldn't get his friend to focus, to see him. He needed Mouse to talk and talk quickly so Jay could get back to Erin and then get back to work. 

Jay reached out and placed his hand on Mouse's arm. "Greg," he said calmly. "It's me. I'm here. I want to help you get the hell out of here but I need you to tell me what happened. All of it." It seemed to work. Mouse's eyes focused in before he closed them, running his hands through his hair and pulling at the ends in frustration. 

"They think I tried to kill her! I I didn't! I swear to you Jay! I just went over there to get her to back off, get her to destroy the recording. I never tried to kill her!" He pleaded. 

"Okay, I believe you," Jay tried to reassure him. "But you're gonna have to back up and give it to me from the beginning. Who is this girl?" 

Mouse laughed humourlessly. "She's no girl. She's the crazies bitch I've ever met." Mouse shook his head. 

"Who Greg, who do they think you tried to kill?"

Mouse closed his eyes again. His hands shook as he scrubbed them down his face. He was pale and looked more tired then Jay had ever remembered seeing him. He'd obviously been going through something even heavier than Jay had originally thought. Jay felt the now familiar sting of guilt. He should have tried harder to reach out to his friend, maybe he wouldn't be here now. When Mouse opened his eyes Jay couldn't read the expression on his friend's face, but the one word answer he spoke chilled Jay to the bone. 

"Bunny."


	78. 78

“Hey,” a soft voice called from behind her. Erin turned to see Teddy standing there. His eyes deliberately looking everywhere but into the room where their mother lay. 

“Hey,” she greeted him back, giving him a hard hug. 

"How, how is she?" Teddy asked. Erin could hear the hope in his voice. She hated to be the one to shatter that hope for him. 

"There's been no change Teddy. And there's not going to be. So maybe you should go in and say whatever you need to say to her," Erin suggested softly, motioning towards Bunny. 

"Have you been in?"

Erin shook her head no. 

"Come with me?" Teddy all but pleaded, reaching out his hand for hers. 

She wanted to say no but she figured she owed Teddy at least this so she took his hand. Together they pushed back the door to her room and walked in. The machines helping her breathe whooshed and hummed while a heart monitor beeped at regular intervals, otherwise the room was quiet. The siblings stood to one side of the bed listening to the machines, both unsure of what to do or say. 

"Remember the time she took us to Pier Park to ride the ferris wheel and I ate all that cotton candy while we were waiting in line?" Teddy reminisced with a sad smile a few minutes later. 

"Teddy," Erin cautioned. 

"Oh Erin stop. I know she was a shitty mother. I'm not living in la la land. But the woman is a vegetable. Standing over her and listing off all her sins seems kind of like kicking a dead dog don't you think?" 

Erin sighed. She didn't want to be here but she'd been a shitty sister most of her life and if this is what Teddy needed of her, if this would help him to keep moving forward on the right path, she would put her own needs aside and be here for him. 

"We were just coming over the top when you started puking. I was so grossed out," Erin said with a grimace. 

"Not half as grossed out as the people on the ground were," Teddy pointed out with a chuckle. Erin laughed too. "The operator started yelling at us. I thought we were going to get in so much trouble but Mom laughed it off and when we got to the ground she shrugged the guy off and took us to watch a movie." 

They fell quiet for a few minutes, each remembering how good a day that was for their little family. There hadn't been many of those. 

"What was she like?" Teddy asked. "Before... before you came back to Chicago. Was she a screwed up druggie back then too?"

Erin thought back to her life when Shelby was alive. "Sort of, I mean I don't think she did drugs back then but she was no June Cleaver either. She worked nights at a bar, and I'm pretty sure she was screwing her boss behind my dad's back, but she got us up for school most days, even packed us a lunch before sending us out the door. There was usually something for our dinner in the fridge when we got home too. My dad, he was a mean drunk, knocked us around a lot, so she was always trying to keep us from doing anything to set him off you know?"

Teddy nodded. "But she got worse after?"

"Yeah," Erin agreed. 

"Guess watching your kid die would mess you up like that," Teddy deducted. 

Erin didn't reply. She knew there was some truth in his words but she would never see her mother as just a victim, especially not in what happened to Shelby or the choices Bunny made after that. For Erin, right or wrong, Bunny would always shoulder some of the blame and responsibility. 

Teddy tentatively let his hand touch his mother's. It was warmer than he expected. "You're supposed to say something when you visit someone like this aren't you?" He asked to no one in particular. "Something to give you some closure? But what do you say to the woman who took you to ride farris wheels one minute and the next got so high she didn't even notice child services took you away?" 

Erin slipped her arms around Teddy's waist. "I'm sorry Teddy, I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you."

Teddy stretched his free arm over Erin's shoulder and squeezed. "It's not your fault Erin. I know how I acted when you found me in New York. I was angry, jealous even, to see you looking so successful and unscathed but I know that's not true. I know you went through your own version of hell because of her and I never blamed you for what happened to me. That's on her," he said, nodding his head towards their mother. 

The silence took over again, as they each struggled to push away the memories, the nightmares, they lived through. "So much for not kicking the dog," Erin replied sarcastically. 

"I mean she didn't actually expect us to stand here and proclaim our love and gratitude did she?" Teddy asked. 

"To be honest I expected this to be harder for you," Erin confessed. 

"So did I. I mean when you called I was taken aback and even when I first got here. I've always dreaded this day. But now that I'm standing here, I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling." 

"Well that makes two of us then." Erin said, finding some comfort in knowing her brother's feelings were similar to her own. 

"What happens now?" 

"When you're ready I'll go get Will, Jay's brother, he's her doctor. There's some forms I have to sign and then they turn all this off," Erin said waving her hand at the machines connected to Bunny. 

"And that's it?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Erin nodded. 

"And after?" 

Erin knew what Teddy was asking. She wanted to tell him no, she had no interest in planning a funeral, but she knew it was only right. She knew she'd sleep better at night knowing she did this the right way and she could see in Teddy's eyes he needed it too. "Whatever you need to happen Teddy we can do."

He smiled appreciatively at her. "Well then I guess you should go get you're future brother-in-law." 

Erin slipped out from under her brother's arm and poked her head out into the hall. It only took a moment to locate Will and catch his eye. She nodded at him indicating they were ready then ducked back in the room, this time crossing to the other side of her mother's bed. 

Within a minute Will came in, carrying a clipboard with the necessary paperwork and closed the door behind him. 

"Teddy you remember Jay's brother Will," Erin offered. Teddy gave a silent nod in the doctor's direction. 

"I'm sorry we're seeing each other under these circumstances," Will said with empathy. 

"Me too," Teddy whispered. 

"Do either of you have any more questions?"

Both Teddy and Erin looked over at their mother and silently shook their heads. 

"So does that mean you're ready?" Will asked, preparing himself mentally to turn off the machines keeping his patient alive. 

Erin and Teddy stood on either side of Bunny's bed and stared at each other. Were they? Was anyone ever ready to make this decision for someone else? 

/

He couldn't get her shrieking voice out of his head no matter how hard he tried.

"Murderer!!" She screamed at them on the court house steps. 

"Greg!" Jay said with more force, finally knocking Mouse out of his memories. He needed Mouse to focus and tell him what the hell had happened with Bunny and quickly because he knew once Teddy had said his peace Erin was going to sign the paperwork to have Bunny taken off life support. True, he wasn't going to loose any sleep over the poor excuse for a mother leaving this world, but once she was gone they'd escalate the charges against Mouse to murder. Jay needed to clear this all up before that happened. He quickly fired off a text to Erin asking her to delay signing the paperwork, that he'd explain soon. Then Jay took a beat to steady his racing heart and placed his hand over Mouse's. "I need you to tell me exactly what happened. From the very beginning," he instructed his friend. 

Mouse nodded and let his thoughts drift back to the day on the court house steps, the day Jay and Erin had won temporary guardianship of Lily. Jay wanted to know everything so he'd start there. 

"Just ignore her, trust me you don't need that bitch in your head," Lindsay said pulling them away from her psychotic mother and down the steps.

Greg followed them but he kept glancing over his shoulder then at the people around them nervously. Had they heard? Were they staring? He spent the car ride back to the district counting silently in his head while tapping each finger slowly to his thumb. That's what his therapist, the one he started seeing after Jay got him the job in Intelligence, had taught him to do when he got anxious. Count and tap and breath. It slowed his heart and stopped his mind from racing. More importantly, it stopped him from dredging up the memories Bunny's words made him think of. 

Somehow he made it through the rest of the day but once he got home things were too quiet, allowing the chatter in his head to come through loud and clear. He turned on the tv, found a hockey game, then turned on his computers. He grabbed a beer and some left overs from the fridge and pulled up his link to the traffic cameras. Okay, it wasn't exactly legal to access them from his home, but he needed to watch tonight. He needed to stay calm and keep his mind from running off on him. Tapping fingers wasn't gonna be enough to get him through now that he was alone. 

He'd never really been good at focusing. As a kid they'd diagnosed him with ADHD. His mom had been adamantly against medication, saying all he needed to do was try harder. He'd never been able to explain to anyone how his mind moved to fast, to many ideas coming at once and he was constantly jumping from one image to the next so quickly it sometimes caused him to stutter. 

The other kids had been brutal. Taunting and bullying him for being different, for talking funny. They called him stupid. His teachers hadn't been much better. They used to yell at him to sit still, stop starring out the windows, focus on his work. But he didn't know how to do what they asked. His mind, his body, just didn't cooperate. Greg soon started avoiding contact with others as much as he could. 

On his twelfth birthday his parents bought him a computer at the suggestion of the school's resource teacher. She said it would help him with his school work. It probably would have if Greg bothered to try. But by then he believed them that he was stupid and he didn't think a computer would change that. Instead he discovered online gaming and started building online friendships with other players. Greg remembered the first time he'd tried a hack. He was having his ass kicked at Mortal Kombat by Xkunglao375 who just never seemed to die, even when Greg knew he landed a solid shot. That night he stayed up all night searching the Internet for cheat codes. 

From there his curiosity took over and within a few months Greg had developed a reputation within his gaming community as the go to guy when you needed to know how to beat something. For the first time he had a taste of acceptance. He felt valued and smart. More importantly, when he was gaming or "doing research" as he use to tell his parents when they'd complain he spent too much time in front of his computer, his mind would quiet down. Instead of the onslaught of ideas and imagines, it would narrow down to a single stream and he learned how to make his fingers fly across the keys in tune with those ideas. 

His isolation frustrated his mother. She used to complain that he was like a mouse hiding in a dark hole, sneaking out at night for food. Much to Greg's embarrassment, the name stuck and his parents referred to him that way whenever they were done with his strange behaviour. 

It was dumb luck he graduated from high school and got into college. One day, in his tenth grade English media class, the teacher's computer crashed. Greg had hopped up and offered to try and fix it. Within five minutes he'd debugged it of the virus and got Mrs. Samuel's presentation up and running. She'd been impressed and asked him to stay after and help her prepare something for her grade twelve students. After that she became kind of a mentor to him, helping Greg pick courses and projects that played to his strengths. He still hated school and kept mostly to himself but at least he graduated. 

College hadn't gone so well. The pressure was real and he couldn't sweet talk his way into a passing grade by staying to help work on his professors presentations. He'd also discovered a group of friends who enjoyed gaming as much as he did. They also enjoyed getting high. Greg had instantly fallen in love with the effects psychoactive drugs had on his system. For the first time his mind was truly quiet and calm. The peace he felt was unlike anything he'd ever imagined and he quickly became addicted, finding a way to pay for his drugs hacking for his fellow students. Before he knew it he was flunking out of school and facing down his furious parents. They were at their wits end and refused to fork out another cent to support him. In a last ditch effort to set Greg on the right path his father packed Greg a bag and dropped him of at the Army recruiting office. 

Basic training had been hell, Greg had essential let himself become a couch potato, staying up all night to get high and gaming. His body screamed in protest but he soon found he was exhausted both mentally and physically to the point his brain was quiet. It didn't take long for Greg to find himself a job within the army that made use of his technical abilities and he turned his illegal hacking skills into a government asset. Soon he was being recruited by the Rangers to help coordinate covert missions. 

He remembered the day he met Jay Halstead, the cocky Ranger had signed up right out of high school and from what Greg could tell there was nothing he wasn't good at. Greg initially thought Jay reminded him of the jocks back in high school who use to tease and beat Greg up. But within a couple days Greg found he and Jay were two of a kind. While Jay did well at school, he had his own childhood issues that kept him isolated from the crowd. They became fast friends, watching out for each other, playing off each other's strengths. Their bond was quick and deep. 

After Greg snuck the team silently in and out of a heavily armed rebel base with his impressive technical skills, the men in his unit took to calling him Mouse too. For the first time Greg wore the name like a badge of honour. 

He hadn't meant to let his mind wander back to his time in the army. The whole point of staring at the traffic cams was to avoid that train of thought. But like Lindsay had warned, he'd let Bunny in his head. 

His memories ran the whole gamut of emotions. Those men were his family. He felt more connected to them than he did his own parents. The trust and loyalty was unlike anything else he'd ever experienced. They didn't care what had come before, everyone had a story, but dressed in fatigues they counted you as all the same. The types of missions they carried out, the level of danger and secrecy surrounding their unit made them a tight group. They only had each other to rely on most of the time. While it made the good memories even sweeter it also meant the bad times hurt that much more. Couple that with the gruesome things they did and saw and Greg could never let his mind drift to that time for too long for fear of getting trapped in the dark corners of his mind. And that's where Bunny's shrieks of accusation were threatening to send him tonight. 

He was three beers in when the knock came at his door. He wasn't sure who it could be at this late hour so he opened the door with caution. He was surprised to see a young boy, no older than twelve, standing on the other side. 

"Are you Mouse?" The boy asked looking bored. 

"Yeah," Greg replied looking out into the hallway. He saw no one else there. 

"This is for you," the boy said, shoving an envelope into Greg's hand. The boy turned and started walking back towards the elevator. 

"Hey, what is it? Who's it from?" Greg called after the kid. 

He just shrugged. "Some chick paid me twenty to bring it up here and give it to you," he offered before disappearing into the open elevator. 

Greg stood for a minute looking down the hall then back at the white envelope in his hand. He had no idea what it was. "Only one way to find out he muttered to himself." Greg stepped back inside, closed his door and crossed to the couch. Sitting down, he ripped open the envelope. 

There were three sheets of folded paper inside. Greg carefully unfolded them and scanned the words on each page. They were copies of newspaper articles. Each one detailed the trials of American soldiers charged with committing war crimes. Greg hardly noticed his heart rate kick up and hands shaking as he recognized the similarity in each case to some of the things his unit had done while in Afghanistan. 

He still didn't understand who had sent him these pages or why until he turned the last paper over. Scrawled across the bottom in black ink was a message for him. 'Help me get custody of her or you and your unit will be the next ones on trial.' 

Greg balled the pages up and pitched them across the room. He cursed her name under his breath. She hadn't been able to get to Erin or Jay directly so now she was coming after him. Greg went to the fridge and grabbed another beer trying to cool his anger enough to figure out how he should handle it. He considered telling Jay but then quickly dismissed the idea. He didn't need Jay handling his shit anymore. Bunny was a nothing and he could take care of this on his own. Besides she was probably bluffing anyway and he should just ignore her. She was taking a stab in the dark. She'd seen the War Crimes trials on the news and probably figured all of them were the same. 

He finished his beer, shut everything down and headed to bed. But sleep wouldn't come because no matter how much he tried to convince himself that she was bluffing and knew nothing Greg did know what his unit had done, what he had done, in Afghanistan. They were an honourable unit, they followed orders to the letter of the law, except those orders didn't always leave them feeling good about themselves at the end of the day. And there was that one time they went completely off book to bring Hollingsworth home. He ended up in a casket anyway and Greg had nightmares about the revenge they'd carried out for years. He knew Jay did too but no matter how many times he'd tried to get his best friend to talk to him Jay always shut Greg down. Greg knew if anyone ever found out what they'd done there was no way a jury wouldn't convict them of their actions. 

For the next few nights Greg tossed and turned between fits of nightmares. He dreamt of the little boy they'd killed, of Hollingsworth's burned and tortured body, of the things they did to those who took and hurt him. And he dreamt of Bunny's laughing face, holding Lily in her arms while the little girl cried, watching men in military uniforms drag Greg and Jay off to prison. It was slowly driving him crazy. He started downing energy shots to stay awake at work. Unfortunately they only enhanced his tics, making his hands shake more and his mind race faster. 

A few days later there was another knock at the door, another kid, another envelope. This time on the pages were pasted the names and pictures of the men in Greg's unit, the word 'murderer' written under each picture. Her message was again scrawled in black ink across the bottom. 'You're running out of time. Help me or go to jail.'

 

Greg's temper snapped that night. He wasn't going to let her intimidate him or threaten the happiness he'd watched Jay work so hard to finally have. He tracked her down at a seedy bar intending to intimate her into backing off but instead she upped the anti. She had proof she said. She'd tracked down Tom, one of the surviving members of their unit, at his usual Thursday night happy hour, and after pouring a few too many bourbons in him he'd apparently gotten real chatty about his time overseas. She claimed she recorded the whole thing and was going to send it off to Washington if he didn't do what she wanted. He'd tried to threaten her right back, call her bluff but she was seriously crazy. He understood now why she drove Lindsay so mental. Greg left feeling torn. There was no way he'd betray his best friend but he also didn't want Jay, himself or any of the others facing a trial either. He'd walked for hours that night trying to clear his head but it didn't work.

"The next morning, that's when you blew me off and said you broke up with your girlfriend?" Jay interrupted Greg's story. 

He nodded. 

"You should have just told me man. I would have dealt with her."

"No, she came at me. I needed to deal with it. You had enough on your plate with Lily coming home, your uncle passing, getting engaged, all the rest. I didn't need you to jump in and rescue me. I dealt with it on my own for once."

Jay bit his tongue. He didn't say that he didn't see it as rescuing Mouse, he saw it as having his back. He also didn't point out how his plan to deal with things on his own had landed him being charged with attempted murder. Thinking of those charges had Jay checking his phone. He still hadn't heard back from Erin. He hoped to hell she got the message and Bunny was still alive because from what he could tell Mouse's story wasn't going well. 

"What happened after that?" Jay prompted. "After the night you met her at the bar."

"Not much. I took a few days to think it through," Mouse replied. When Jay gave him a skeptical look Mouse confessed the full truth. 

He had spent the next few days thinking about what Bunny had said. Okay, more accurately, reliving everything that had happened overseas and trying to find ways to make the memories stop. But that only led to more drinking and when that wasn't enough he'd got his hands on a few joints. He knew it could cost him his job but he was so desperate to quiet the noise, stop the nightmares and push away the horrific memories and focus on how to deal with Bunny he couldn't worry about the job. That's when it came to him. He'd go to her, maybe offer her something else in exchange for the recording. He knew she didn't really want Lily, she was just doing it to hurt Lindsay. So Greg would offer her something else. He still knew how to get his hands on just about anything. He knew she'd back off if he could just find the right trade. 

"So you went over there?" Jay said knowingly. Mouse nodded. "Were you high?"

"No!" Mouse was offended but Jay had almost wished he'd said yes because sober Mouse was a jittery mess right now and his mind would have been racing when he confronted her. Jay knew first hand you needed all your wits about you when dealing with that woman. She could get the best of anyone. 

"It didn't go like you planned," Jay surmised. 

"No," Mouse admitted quietly before continuing, his words coming out fast and frantic. "She wouldn't listen to me. She actually claimed she wanted Lily and she kept threatening to send in the recording."

"And things got out of hand," Jay offered. 

"She's crazy Jay! You know that. She started yelling and I started yelling and all I could think of was how I needed to get my hands on that recording. She let it slip it was on her phone. I saw the phone sitting on the coffee table so I grabbed it. She went ape shit. She jumped me from behind. She was hitting and screaming. I didn't think. I just reacted. She was on me and I had to get her off. I swear I didn't do anything except push her off me."

"And when you did she fell and hit her head," Jay finished. 

Mouse nodded. "She bumped it on the coffee table but she was fine when I left, up on her hands and knees, I swear. I remember. As soon as I saw her getting up I ran out of there."

"With the phone," Jay concluded. 

"Yeah."

"Where is it now?"

"My place. I was gonna wipe it clean and dump it right after I listened to what she recorded. It's bad Jay. The things she got Tom to say. It could go really bad for us if that conversation ever got out." Mouse said with his head in his hands. 

Jay scrubbed his own hands over his face. He needed to think of a way out of this. They way Mouse had described Bunny's fall matched up with the injuries Will had told them about. Maybe she was conscious when Mouse left but it couldn't have been long before the internal bleeding became too bad and she passed out. Jay needed to know what evidence they had against Mouse. They'd picked him up in only a few hours after the 9-1-1 call so there must be something concrete tying him to Bunny that made finding him so easy. Jay was about to question Mouse further on that when a knock came at the door and a cop let himself in. 

"Detective Halstead? I'm Detective Moore, the one working this case. I understand Ms. Fletcher is your partners mother?"

"She is," Jay confirmed as he stood and shook the other cops hand. "If you don't mind I need a couple more minutes alone with Greg."

"I'm sorry Halstead but that won't be possible. That's why I'm here. I've come to process your friend here. I've just had a call that Ms. Fletcher passed away a few moments ago. So if you could please stand," Moore said, motioning to Mouse. "I've been authorized to escort you down to central booking. You're being formally charged with murder."


	79. 79

Erin dumped the coffee cup in the garbage can and turned to her brother. "You sure you don't want to come home with me?" They'd gone down to the cafeteria after Bunny had passed away to give themselves time to absorb the nights events and chat. 

"No, I'm okay I promise. I, I actually have someone waiting for me," he said, ducking his head shyly. 

Erin cocked an eye in curiosity, hoping Teddy would say more. 

"It's new, only been seeing each other a few months, but we were out when you called and I promised to meet up when everything was done."

Erin nodded and smiled. She was happy to hear Teddy had someone in his life. "How come this is the first I'm hearing of it?" She teased as they walked back towards the ED entrance where Teddy had parked. 

Teddy shrugged. 

"Sweetie you know all I want is for you to be happy right?" Erin asked, turning to look at him and putting her hand on his shoulder. "There's no judgement here."

Teddy took a breath and nodded. "His name is Luke. I met him at work. He comes in with his firm for business lunches often. He's an architect. He doesn't know everything about what happened before yet, but it's too soon for all that. I guess tonight I'll have to tell him some when he notices I'm not crying buckets over mom dying."

Erin nodded knowingly. She remembered how hard it was to open up to Jay about her past and she didn't have near the demons Teddy did. She hoped this architect would be as understanding as Jay had been. "He sounds great Teddy and I'm really happy for you. Maybe when you're ready we could have dinner or something?" 

Teddy gave her a look halfway between surprise and skepticism. 

"I promise not to go all overprotective big sister. I just want to spend time with you. We're both in better places now and I'd like for us to be friends, you know?"

Teddy smiled then. "Yeah, I'd like that too." He hugged her goodbye then, promising to check in tomorrow. 

She watched him walk through the exit doors then fished out her phone. She realized she hadn't heard back from Jay yet and he had the car. 

"Shit," she muttered looking at the black screen. 

"Everything okay?" Will asked, walking up behind her. At her startled expression he apologized. "I saw you come back in with your brother. Thought I'd make sure you were okay."

"Yeah, I just realized my phone is dead. We hadn't been planning on going anywhere tonight so I didn't charge it. Jay has the car. I guess I should call him from the desk phone. You think Maggie would mind?"

"She wouldn't but I'm done my shift. Why don't I just text him and drop you home?" Will offered. 

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not. Walk with me to the staff lounge. I'll grab my stuff and we'll head out," Will said while quickly firing off a text to his brother. 

"Thanks Will. I appreciate it. And everything else you did tonight. I owe you."

Will flashed a charming smile at Erin and casually draped his arm over her shoulder while they walked. He could see how tired she was and knew it couldn't have been easy for her tonight. "Erin you're family, you don't owe me anything. Well except maybe inviting me over for dinner when Aunt Helen has cooked?"

Erin laughed and nudged him playfully with her elbow. He had no idea how comforting it was to hear him call her family tonight of all nights. 

/

Jay scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. He'd tried everything he could think of but he hadn't been able to stop them from processing Mouse. He'd be spending the night in jail. Jay left a message for his cousin hoping he'd be able to help get Mouse out, at least on bail, as soon as possible. If only Erin had waited. He'd texted her again and tried calling to find out why she hadn't listened to him but it went straight to voice mail. Jay let out a frustrated groan. There was nothing he could do about that now. Right now he needed to get over to Mouse's apartment and find that cell phone and anything else he could tying Mouse to Bunny. 

Moore hadn't been forthcoming with information and refused to tell Jay what evidence they had on Mouse. He'd have to wait until tomorrow when he could talk to his buddy at the ninth district and get the inside scoop. 

After finding a spot to park around the corner of the building, Jay used the key he'd been given ages ago to let himself into Mouse's apartment. The state of the apartment had Jay feeling even more guilty. Empty beer bottles and pizza boxes littered the coffee table and kitchen counter. One look around this place and Jay knew things really had gotten bad for Mouse. He should have stopped by to check on his friend, maybe this wouldn't have happened if he'd just made time for Mouse. He tidied up a bit while he looked for what he needed, eventually finding the crumpled letters Bunny had sent to threaten Mouse and the cell phone. 

He turned the phone over in his hands several times before finally deciding to turn it on. He needed to hear what Tom had said. Jay took a seat on the couch and listened while Bunny baited Tom into talking. Mouse had been right. It was awful. As Jay listened to Tom recount the horrors they lived through and gruesome things they did to the men who took Hollingsworth something inside him finally gave way. The memories, the sleepless nights, the pedophile they couldn't catch, not being there for Mouse, Lily and Erin, it all came crashing down on him. His chest tightened making it hard for him to breathe.

He felt the panic set in at being unable to draw air. All Jay could think of was getting outside and getting air as fast as he could. He shoved the phone and papers in his pocket and ran out the door. His heart pounded in his ears while images of dead bodies flashed across his eyes, blinding him to his surroundings. Jay kept moving, desperate to get away but he couldn't draw air and his legs betrayed him. Jay reached out and steadied himself on the wall of a nearby building. The smell of burnt flesh, the same smell that overcame them when they found the room Hollingsworth was being kept in, filled his nostrils, nauseating him, and without warning Jay bent to wretch the contents if his stomach. 

The loss of control shamed and angered him. He needed to make it stop. He needed to escape horror movie Tom's words had dropped him into. Jay wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve and tried to focus on his surroundings. A neon sign across the street caught his eye. It was just the thing to rid the sour taste in his mouth and calm his nerves enough to get home. Jay stumbled across the road and into the bar. He slid onto a stood at the bar without looking around him and promptly ordered a drink. When it arrived he threw it back, enjoying the way it burned going down and then quickly ordered another and another. By the time the blond placed her warm hand on his arm Jay was numb, his mind gone quiet, drowned in the liquid balm. 

"Jay?" She said with surprise. "What are you doing here?"

Jay looked her up and down, she was beautiful. A memory of what her skin felt and tasted like under her body hugging designer dress flooded his senses. He'd used that body more than once to sooth the pain in his life. "Allie," he whispered before drawing her into a hug. 

/

"You sure you don't want to come up for a bit?" Erin asked one last time before climbing out of Will's car. 

"Nah, I have an early shift and should hit the hay, unless you need me," Will added, realizing maybe Erin didn't want to be alone. They hadn't heard back from Jay and when they'd checked in with Helen she was still alone in the condo, Lily long since asleep in her bed. 

"No Will, I'm good I promise. You head home and get some rest. Thanks again for everything and driving me home." 

"No problem. Call me if you need anything okay?"

Erin nodded as Will leaned across the centre console to give her a quick hug. She hopped out and headed into the building, turning to wave Will off once she'd let herself into the secure lobby. 

Erin let herself into the condo quietly, not wanting to disturb Lily's sleep. Helen greeted Erin as she was hanging up her coat. "I made some tea and a snack for you, figured you might like something to help you sleep?"

Erin smiled. She really was growing to love this woman. She was thoughtful and warm and seemed to know just what to say to Erin and when she needed to be left alone with her thoughts. 

"Thank you, you must be exhausted and ready to get back home. I really appreciate you staying tonight."

"Nonsense. I was happy to be here and if it's all the same, I'd like a cup of tea before I head to bed myself."

"Of course, actually the company would be nice." Erin agreed. 

"Still no word from Jay?"

"No, Will hadn't heard back. I'm going to plug my phone in now and see if he left me any messages."

"How is your brother?" Helen asked pouring them both a cup of tea and bringing it to the coffee table. Helen had met Teddy briefly when Erin and Jay had taken her to dinner at his restaurant one night before Lily came home. 

"Better than I expected actually. And he has a boyfriend," Erin added with a smile. 

"Well that's good news, when do you get to meet him?" 

Erin laughed quietly. Yes, Helen was getting to know Erin quite well. "I have a feeling Teddy will put that off for awhile. I think he thinks I'll interrogate the poor guy."

"Well, sounds like what any half way decent big sister would do," Helen teased. 

They fell silent for a moment while they ate their snack and sipped tea. 

"Okay, out with it. How are you doing?" Helen finally asked, pinning Erin with a direct but soft stare. 

"I thought being free of her would feel a lot lighter than this." Erin replied honestly after a moment to gather her thoughts. Over the last couple weeks she had shared some of her history with Helen. It was surprisingly easy to open up to her. She wanted Helen to be in the loop since Bunny had been trying to block them getting custody of Lily and also she knew it was important for Helen to understand the history if she was going to help Lily adjust to her new life. 

"Maybe," Helen considered. "But even with everything she put you through, she was still your mom." 

Erin scoffed. "Some mother." She shook her head before continuing. "Tonight Teddy asked about how she was before, you know when Shelby was with us, and I started telling him it was better because she at least use to make sure we had food then. How pathetic is that that I measure how good a mother she was by whether or not she was buying groceries?" 

"She was your mom, she wasn't so good at it but I know that you were scared of being taken from her. Getting that call tonight must have been difficult." 

"She was all we knew and we knew we were safer with her than in the system. And she sucked at it, we weren't safe at all. If anything it was me who took care of her. Not that she ever appreciated it." Erin said bitterness colouring her words. 

"But maybe that's why you don't feel as free as you though, you never got what you wanted from her," Helen offered gently. 

"Is this the part where you tell me I'll never get over not being loved by my mother?" Erin asked, but she toned down the sarcasm in her voice. Helen didn't deserve to have Erin take her feeling out on her. 

"No. I think maybe there was a point in your life where wanting your mother's love was an obstacle for you, got in the way of you being able to live the life you deserved. But I don't think that's the case anymore. Since I've known you I've seen a bright, strong woman who's willing to do anything for the people she loves. But I think it's okay, okay to be sad that you never got it. It's okay to be sad you were dealt a shitty hand, shitty parents, and you have to acknowledge there's no chance of ever having the relationship you wanted, needed, with her. And I think it's okay to grieve her Erin. It's okay to be sad she's gone. She hurt you, when you were little and especially this last year and she deserves your anger but that doesn't make it wrong to miss her either. Or miss what she will never be able to give you." 

Erin let Helen's words sink in. Is that how Erin felt? She wasn't sure. Her feelings towards her mother had always been complicated. But she did appreciate Helen's efforts and her lack of judgement. "It's late, I feel terrible for keeping you up. Thank you for this, for the talk, for watching Lily. You've been a life saver all around for us."

"Erin I don't need your thanks. I'm happy to be here. It feels right for me. I should be thanking you for opening your family to me. I can imagine that's not an easy thing to do." Helen said standing and gathering the dishes to clear. "And I know you're tired but I'm here if you want to talk about this, or anything else again. It's not healthy to keep it all locked inside and I'd be happy to listen."

"Actually it wasn't as hard as I expected to talk about it for once," Erin smiled. "Leave this, I'll deal with it all in the morning." She added, indicating their dishes. "And thank you. It's nice to have another person to talk to."

Helen complied, setting the dishes down and gave Erin a tight hug. "I'm so sorry Erin. For everything with your mother. But I meant what I said. You're an incredible woman and already an amazing mother. I'm proud of you."

Erin swallowed her emotions as she walked Helen to the door. It wasn't often she heard words like that directed at her. She'd grown to admire and respect Helen in the short time they'd known each other. Helen's praise touched the part of Erin's heart that was most bruised. The part her mother had damaged. 

After locking up Erin remembered her cell phone charging on the counter. Concern washed over her when she read and heard Jay's messages. Filled with guilt at not making a bigger effort to get in contact with him she dialled his number. It went to voice mail. She left a message then texted him but he didn't respond. Worried that something awful had happened to Mouse or even Jay, Erin dialled Hank's number. 

She was surprised to hear he hadn't heard from Jay either and winced at the way he snapped at her. "Why is this the first I'm hearing about Mouse?"

"I'm sorry Hank, I was at the hospital and my phone died. I figured Jay would have checked in if it was a big deal." She explained. 

Hank sighed. He'd almost forgotten what Erin was dealing with tonight while he was desperately trying to catch a killer. "I'm sorry kiddo. It's been a long night, long week actually. How did things go with Bunny? How's your brother?"

"He's fine Hank. We both are. But he wants some kind of funeral. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that."

"She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread over the lake."

"What? How do you even know that? And why would she want that?"

"Said she could fly away and be free finally. You know the way your mother spoke. We talked about it once after I told her you were coming to live with me. It's not important." He dismissed the subject not having the patience to rehash old conversations tonight. "I'll make a few calls for you on Monday if you like."

"No, no I'll do it. Sounds like you've got enough going on."

"I do, it's not an easy case." Hank sighed. 

"Anything I can do?" Erin again felt bad she was on leave and didn't like not knowing what was going on at work. 

"Just take care of yourself and that little girl. I don't need anything more to worry about right now." 

Erin rolled her eyes. She knew it was Hank's twisted way of saying he cared but it still stung a little that he thought she'd fall off the deep end every time something bad happened in her life even though she'd proven over and over this last little while that she could cope. 

"I will Hank. And if you hear from Jay..."

"I'll have him call you. He's probably still at the ninth district sorting things with Mouse. Don't worry kiddo. Get some rest."

"Okay thanks." Erin hung up and headed to her room, turning lights off as she went. She felt uneasy not knowing where Jay was or what was going on with him. She knew he hadn't been having a good week and felt like she hadn't really been there for him. Again she realized how much she hated being out of the loop at work. It made her feel even more disconnected from Jay. Erin peeled off her clothes and ran a hot shower, trying to wash the day away. She was just crawling into bed when Lily's screams broke the silence of the night. With a sigh she climbed back out for bed and headed across the hall, but not before grabbing her phone. She didn't want to miss when Jay called to check in with her this time.


	80. 80

Jay woke with a throbbing pain in his head and a kink in his neck. He rolled to his right, reaching for Erin hoping she'd take pity on him and bring him some Tylenol and water, but the bed had vanished and before he could right himself Jay fell to the floor. 

"What the hell?" He cursed, struggling to sit up. 

He squinted his eyes against the morning light trying to figure out where he was. It was a couch he'd fallen off of, one he'd never seen before. Nothing about the room was familiar. There were open boxes stacked against one wall like someone was in the middle of unpacking. The windows had no curtains to block out the blinding sun that was making his head throb harder. He sat back against the couch for a moment and rubbed his now sore knees, trying to clear his head. 

Sore bare knees. Jay looked down at himself and realized he was only in his boxers. 

"What the hell have you done Halstead?" He murmured to himself with disgust. 

He concentrated hard, forcing the events of the night before to come back to him. They came in pieces. Mouse's arrest, going to his apartment, the panic attack and drinking at the bar. But after that there was nothing. Jay spied his shirt and pants slung over a nearby chair and his cell phone on the coffee table. He pushed himself up onto the couch and grabbed for his clothes. He needed to figure out where the hell he was, what the hell he had done, and and get the hell out of here. 

"You're awake!" Came a cheerful voice. 

Jay turned his heavy head in the direction of the sound and his eyes met Allie's. 

She must have read the shock on his face because she took pity on him and explained. "I found you drinking or rather extremely drunk in a bar last night. When I offered to put you in a cab home you kept saying how you couldn't go home like that. You didn't want Erin to see you like that. How you'd let her down. I couldn't just leave you there, so I brought you here."

Jay looked down at his barely clothed body. 

"Nothing happened," she assured him, reading his mind again. "Just an old friend looking out for you. How are you? I've got Tylenol and coffee if you're interested."

"Yeah, that be great," Jay said, finally finding his voice as he finished pulling on his clothes. He took some comfort knowing he hadn’t been a complete idiot the night before. "Who's place is this anyway?"

"It's mine," she called over her shoulder as she moved to fix him a cup of coffee. "I got a job offer I couldn't turn down and moved backs few weeks ago. Still trying to get unpacked and organized though. Mom and dad are thrilled I’m back of course. They said you hadn't been round in awhile." She paused but Jay didn't respond. He was trying not to let the mention of her parents get to him. True he hadn't been around in awhile but he didn't need any more guilt at the moment, his cup ran over in that department right now. "Anyway I was out getting caught up with some old fiends when I saw you. Here these should help," Allie offered, placing two tablets in Jay's hand. 

He chased the pills with a mouthful of the hot coffee she offered him. Jay set the cup down and picked up his phone. 

"Fuck," he muttered to himself. As Jay scrolled the lock screen he saw missed texts and calls from Will, Erin, Ryan, Hank and Adam. In his drunkeness he hadn't even bothered to check his phone, let alone let Erin know where he was. He felt the guilty pile on some more. He was sure he'd be drowning in it soon. Like you drowned yourself in alcohol last night, the voice in his head reminded him. Or the way you let yourself drown in your memories? Jay pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes trying to stay focused on the moment. Allie may have sworn nothing had happened but he'd still gone home with another woman last night when he had a fiancé and child at home wondering where the hell he was. Explaining what happened to Erin wasn't going to go well, he thought as he listened to her concerned voicemails. The last message had him searching for his shoes. 

“Yo Jay, where you at? We got the son of a bitch. There’s another boy missing and we’re just waiting on Voight to get here to question him so we can find the kid. Get your ass in here,” Ruzek's voice demanded before the message ended. 

"I gotta go," Jay said frantically. 

"Right now? You haven't even drank your coffee," Allie protested. 

"Something's come up at work." 

"Jay,” but Jay just kept moving towards the door. “Jay,” she tried again. “is that really a good idea, you going into work right now, shouldn't we talk about last night?"

"What about last night? You said nothing happened?" Jay turned hard eyes on her. 

"Nothing happened with us no, but that's kinda my point Jay. You were so drunk you can't even remember what happened."

"Allie, look I appreciate your concern and your help but I really got to go." Jay stopped abruptly, realizing he left his car parked back at Mouse's apartment. "Shit, my car." 

Allie shook her head at him. "It's downstairs in the visitor parking," she said, grabbing his keys from her counter and handing them to him. "I had a couple of my friends follow us home with it."

Jay's embarrassment increseaed "Allie I, I'm, thank you."

"You don't have to thank me Jay. You'd have done the same for me. I just don't like seeing you like this."

"I'm fine really," he lied. He gave her a half hug and peck on the forehead. "I really need to go though." 

"Jay," Allie called after him causing him to stop and turn towards her. "If you won't talk to me, at least talk to someone okay?" 

Jay gave a noncommittal nod and mumbled his thanks as he ran out the door. 

 

/

He took the steps up to the bullpen two at a time despite his throbbing head. "Ruzek, where is he?" Jay demanded as soon as he caught sight of Adam. 

"He's in one, his names Michael White, but Voight was clear we wait for him," Adam answered stepping in front of a determined Jay. 

“Well where the hell is Voight?”

“I don’t know. He said he had something to take care of?” Adam offered with a shrug. 

Jay fumed. Voight was off taking care of some personal nonsense while kids were dying? Jay was so done with his boss’ mixed up priorities. "Well I'm gonna go keep him company until Voight gets here.” 

“You sure that's a good plan man?” Adam asked, trying to block Jay’s path. “You're looking pretty rough. What the hell happened to you?”

“It's none of your damn business just get the hell out of the way before I make you,” Jay barked. 

Adam threw his hands up. He knew better than to go a round with Jay when he looked like that. Besides technically Jay did outrank him. 

He’d fantasize about this moment since they’d first caught the case. Five minutes alone with the cowardly scumbag that prayed on children. Jay charged down the hall and flung open the door to the interrogation room. Cuffed to the bar against the back wall and seated on the bench was a middle aged man with reseeding dark hair. His dress shirt was wrinkled and gapped where the buttons strained against his considerable waistline. He was tall, Jay guessed about his height, and his large thick hands reminded Jay of his little league baseball coach. A picture flashed across his mind. One large hand on Jay’s slender shoulder, squeezing just a little too tight while the other beefy hand..... Jay lost his footing for a moment startled by the image he hadn’t allowed himself to think of in more than twenty years. Enraged with himself for letting his mind go there now, Jay stepped up to their suspect and unleashed the full weight of his anger. 

“Where is he?” Jay barked out with venom. 

“Who?” Michael asked, the calm of his voice echoed in the lack of emotion in his eyes. 

“Don’t play dumb with me. You know damn well who I’m talking about. Where’s the boy?” 

“Boy?”

Jay had no patience for this game today. The last of his self control snapped. Jay lunges forward wrapping his hand around Michael’s neck and squeezing. Michael struggled and sputtered, choking against the pressure of Jay’s hand. The more he struggled the tighter Jay squeezed, pushing Michael’s head against the wall. Jay brought his knee up into his midsection, making it impossible for Michael to twist away. 

“Where. Is. He.” Jay growled between clenched teeth. He’d give anything now to do just half the things to this scum he’d done in Kandahar. 

“Halstead!” A gruff voice shouted from behind him. Jay had been so focused he hadn’t even heard the door open. “I said get in the hall now Halstead!” The voice barked with authority. 

Jay pulled his hands back and snapped upright, his body automatically reacting to the authoritative command. But his eyes still burned into Michael. 

“Now Halstead,” Voight demanded. 

Jay backed up without breaking eye contact until he was forced to turn in the doorway. 

Voight wasted no time tearing a strip off Jay. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? I told everyone to wait for me. What part of that didn’t you understand?” 

“We don’t have time to wait Sarge. That boy could still be alive! I know I could get him to talk,” Jay screamed back.

“Seems to me all you were doing was stopping him from breathing. You could blow our whole case with the shit you just pulled!”

“Oh like you weren’t gonna come in here and do the same thing? You’ve done it a hundred times before,” Jay challenged him. 

“Halstead watch yourself,” Voight warned. 

“Watch myself? Is this case even important to you? I was getting answers while you were off doing god knows what.”

Voight’s jaw tightened as he strained to hold onto his last shred of control. “God knows what? I was off cleaning up a mess for you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jay scoffed. 

“Mouse... or did you forget all about him too like you did Erin and Lily? She’s been up all night worried sick about you and caring for that girl. Have you even called her yet to let her know you’re alive? And I don’t appreciate being kept out of the loop when someone in my unit is in trouble. What the hell were you thinking going over there without me?”

Jay couldn’t respond. Mentioning Erin’s name and that she was worried was like a sucker punch to his gut. On top of that Voight hit him with a reminder that he’d broken his promise to Mouse. Jay left his best friend sitting in jail with a promise to be back in the morning to clear things up. But instead he’d slept late and left Mouse hanging. 

“Nothing to say? While I’ve got plenty. First go home. You’re off this case, in fact your off period until I say different,” Voight instructed. 

“You’re suspending me?” Jay asked unable to believe his ears. 

“Consider it personal days for now but if you push me on this you’re damn right I’ll suspend you. You’re a mess Halstead. You’ve lost your edge more than once this week and you smell like the inside of a beer keg. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you but go home and get your shit together,” Voight snapped. 

Jay glared back at him for a long moment before reason set in. He knew the look Voight was giving him. The man wasn’t bluffing. Jay was pissed as hell but he knew when he’d been beat. He turned on his heals and stocked down the hall, pushing through the doors that led down to the roll up so hard they bounced off the wall with a loud crash.


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter 81

The hallway doors weren’t the only things crashing. Jay crashed down on the bottom step of the stairwell and cupped his head between his knees. He was exhausted, there was no other way to put it. He’d been waging war inside his head and with his body and with everyone around him and he was completely wiped out. Voight was right. He needed to get his shit together. Only problem was he didn’t know where to start. 

That was a lie. He knew exactly where he should start. He was just too chicken shit to do it. But he couldn’t avoid what he’d done forever so Jay pulled himself up and fished his phone out of his pocket. He took the first step to facing his fear and fired off a quick text to Erin letting her know he was okay and would see her soon. Then he took a deep breath and headed for the place he should have gone after leaving Mouse’s apartment last night, home. 

/

As he pulled into a parking spot in front of his condo Jay’s phone buzzed. He was surprised to see Mouse’s number flash across his screen. “Hey man, I’m sorry I wasn’t there this morning,” Jay began. 

Mouse let out a low grunt in acknowledgement. “Voight showed up, managed to get me out but I’m still their prime suspect.” Mouse said, his voice still shaking from the stress of the sleepless night he’d spent in lock up. He’d come home to shower, eat and rest, as Voight had ordered, but he just couldn’t sit still. So he’d called Jay to find out what happened to him this morning and see if he was up for some time at the gym. Mouse figured a few rounds would clear his head. 

Jay heard the tremor in Mouse’s voice and he instantly forgot his own issues, switching into caregiver mode. He wouldn’t admit it to himself but he’d take any excuse to not have to face Erin and tell her what he’d done last night, let alone why. “You doing okay buddy?” Jay asked. 

“Yeah, a little restless. Was thinking we could go a few rounds at the gym? Might help me settle.” 

“Yeah sure,” Jay agreed too quickly. “I’ll meet you there in a few.” Jay waited for Mouse’s agreement then threw the car into drive and headed for the gym. He told himself he needed to make up for letting Mouse suffer alone these last few weeks and be there for him now. He told himself the gym was just what he needed to clear his head and get his shit together like Voight had ordered. He told himself anything he could to justify why he was driving away from the one place, the one person he should be with right now, in denial of how far he’d fallen. 

“Holy shit you look like hell!” Mouse exclaimed as Jay walked in, the gym bag he kept in the car slung over his shoulder. “You’d almost think it was you that spent the night in jail last night,” Mouse laughed sarcastically. 

“That’s not even fucking funny,” Jay countered, pinning Mouse with a hard stare. Mouse raised his hands in surrender and silently watched as Jay made his way through the gym to the locker rooms to change. 

When he came back they gloved up in silence. Mouse was itching to ask Jay what was going on but he figured from the hard look in his eyes he’d let Jay loosen up in the ring for a few minutes first. There was no way his friend would talk with that closed up expression on his face. 

As they sparred Mouse felt his anxiety back off and noticed Jay’s posture loosen. “So what happened after you left me last night? Something jump off?”

Jay threw a few more punches before answering. “I went to your place,” he offered between jabs but didn’t elaborate. 

Mouse nodded, he’d noticed someone had been in the apartment when he got home this morning. And when he’d looked for Bunny’s phone it was gone. He’d wondered if it had been Jay that had come to collect it since there was no sign of forced entry and Jay has a key. “Did, did you listen to the recording?” Mouse asked as he took some quick jabs at Jay. Just thinking about what was on Bunny’s phone made Mouse’s anxiety creep back up. 

“Yeah,” Jay said without emotion, but his punches were harder then they’d been a moment before. 

“Guess it got to you too then,” Mouse observed, thinking he understood now why Jay looked so rough. “I figured Erin would have helped more.” Mouse ducked and weaved. 

“Erin doesn’t know,” Jay bit out between punches. 

“You didn’t tell her? Clearly you slept like shit. She didn’t ask?” Mouse was surprised to hear Jay hadn’t talked to her. Then again maybe she wasn’t in a place to listen. Her mother had just died after all. Murdered, Mouse corrected himself, and she probably thinks you did it. Guilt washed over Mouse. He’d have to talk to Erin at some point. He wasn’t sure what he’d say. 

“Haven’t seen her yet,” Jay confessed without making eye contact. “Haven’t been home yet.”

“What?” Mouse forgot his guilt and everything else, dropped his hands and took a step back out of Jay’s reach “Well what the fuck are you doing here then?”

“What do you think I’m doing? Trying to help you get your shit together!” Jay’s tone was back to harsh as he stepped towards Mouse, fists raised and ready to spar. 

A light went on for Mouse. He’d seen Jay looking like this before. Years ago, when they first got home from Afghanistan. Mouse’s stomach fell. Jay hadn’t been home yet because he’d been out drinking all night, trying to quiet his mind and avoiding confronting what he was feeling. Mouse only hoped Jay hadn’t done anything worse then than get drunk. He had too much good in his life now to throw it all away. Mouse sighed. Jay was here now trying to avoid dealing with things and there was no way Mouse would play a role in that this time. He may be pretty messed up himself but Jay had a lot more to loose. “I can handle my shit. You need to get your ass home Jay,” Mouse said forcefully. 

Jay barked out a laugh. “Yeah I saw how you’ve been handling your shit. So well you’re a suspect in a murder investigation.” 

Mouse felt his temper climbing. There was the judgement again. He didn’t want to be the sorry son of bitch Jay thought he needed to take care of things for anymore. He didn’t want to be Jay’s excuse for not dealing with his own shit. “Go home Jay.” Mouse bit out and turned to walk out of the ring. 

But Jay caught his shoulder and spun him around. “I’m not ready to go home. We’re not done here. Let’s go,” Jay commanded clapping his gloved hands together hard. 

“I’m done,” Mouse said flatly. “Go home and   
see your family Jay. Erin’s probably worried. I didn’t go through all this to protect your family just so you could blow it up.”

“Protect my family?” Jay’s voice pitched higher in disbelief. “You were trying to save your own ass.” Jay accused. “You let the paranoia get the best of you, refused to ask for help and look where it got you! You messed up bad. I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to save your ass this time.”

Jay’s words stung. Jay wanted to judge him? Well Mouse had a few judgments of his own. “Save my ass? Seems to me like you need to take a look in the god damn mirror Halstead. And don’t even try to deny you were out drinking and doing god knows what else all night when you should have been home, with your fiancé, with the little girl you told the court you’d love and do anything to protect.” Mouse reminded Jay. “Looks like you didn’t handle hearing that recording any better then I did. But go ahead and stand there and judge me, like you’re some damn saint all of the sudden. You seem to forget how many times I’ve had to save your ass too!”

Jay was angry. If he’d taken a second to think about it he’d know it was with himself not Mouse. He’d know that Mouse was speaking the truth and trying to get Jay to wake up. But Jay didn’t think. He rarely did when he was this angry. There were times the Halstead temper was a curse. Instead of taking a breath, he’d done what he’d learned to do as a kid when someone pushed his buttons. He swung. His gloved fist connected with Mouse’s jaw and the world froze briefly as Mouse’s surprise morphed to a rage that matched Jay’s. Mouse lunged forward and chaos erupted as the two men used each other’s body’s to work out all the anger, fear and anxiety they’d each carried alone these past weeks. 

They knew each other well, knew each other’s weaknesses, and managed to each get in some damage, tussling to the floor, before several members of the gym were able to pry them apart. 

It was several moments of heavy panting before either man could calm down and then shake off the men holding them back from each other. Mouse bent at the knees and rested his elbows to them while trying to breathe through the pain in his ribs. He felt Jay come up beside him. 

“You okay?” Jay asked, panting himself, and placed a hand on Mouse’s shoulder. 

Mouse shook it off without raising his head. “Go home Jay. Talk to her. She’ll get it,” Mouse assured him, thinking back to some of the conversations he’d had with Erin over the last couple years. “She’s stronger then you think.” 

Mouse felt Jay hesitate before he moved away from him. He prayed his friend took his advice. It was Erin who could help Jay this time, not him, Mouse realized. With any luck she’d be able to get him to deal with the things Jay was running from once and for all. That is if whatever he did last night hadn’t destroyed what they’d worked so hard to build.


	82. 82

Chapter 82

She was strong, Jay thought as he rode the elevator up to their condo. Strong enough to kick your ass when she finds out where you were all night, Jay cringed at the though. His head and sides throbbed from where Mouse has landed several punches. It wouldn’t take much effort for his partner to take him down in his current state and he wasn’t looking forward to the pain. His stomach growled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten in almost twenty four hours but thinking of food made him nauseous. When the elevator doors opened on their floor Jay stepped off the elevator and hobbled down to their door. 

If he’d looked like hell when he’d shown up to the gym he was sure he looked ten times worse now. He’d caught sight of his face in the rear view mirror. There was a nasty bruise forming under his left eye, some dried blood streaked across his cheek, likely from his split lip, and more blood splattered on his tshirt. He didn’t know if it was his or Mouse’s. He hadn’t bothered to shower or change at the gym. He’d just taken Mouse’s advice, ripped off his gloves, grabbed his bag and headed home. Now all he had to do was step through the door. His hand lingered over the nob for several minutes. He didn’t know what he was going to say to her. How could he explain where he’d been or how he’d been acting? How would he deal with the hurt in her eyes when she found out he’d spent the night with another woman? Thankfully he hadn’t slept with Allie but it still felt like a huge betrayal in the light of day. 

His phone buzzed, startling him from his inner conflict. He fished it out and saw a text from Erin. He’d said he’d be home hours ago and here he was worrying her again. He shoved the phone back into his pocket and forced himself to open the apartment door. 

He could hear Erin and Lily talking softly when he came in. They were seated at the dining table hunched over what looked like a colouring book. They both had crayons in their hands. 

“Can we make the octopus purple with yellow stripes?” Lily asked enthusiastically. Erin smiled softly and nodded in agreement before her eye caught Jay’s movement into the room. 

Jay watched as the immediate relief on her face changed to shock and concern. He noticed her jaw tighten and she pressed her lips together tightly. A sure sign she was also hurt and upset with him. Erin didn’t say anything to him but motioned he should go clean up before Lily noticed him. Jay nodded and retreated to their room to shower, grateful to have another reason to delay confronting her but also ashamed. They were supposed to be removing Lily from the world where the people she lived with came home hung over and looking like they’d been in a street brawl. Yet here he was bringing exactly that into her world again. 

Jay stood under the hot spray of the shower for a long time. It soothed his aches and pains and the sound of the water shut out all the noise in his head. It was the quietest his mind had been in what felt like forever. When he felt the water turn cold Jay turned it off, stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. He gave a half hearted effort at drying himself before slinging the towel around his waist and heading out into the bedroom. He jumped back in surprise when he saw Erin sitting on the edge of the bed facing him. 

Erin’s whole chest ached. Seeing Jay emerge from the bathroom in nothing but a low slung towel made it worse. Twenty four hours ago she would have teased him until that towel hit the floor and taken her time exploring every perfect inch of his damp muscular flesh. But not this afternoon. Now everything had changed. Last night truly had been the worse night of her life. The sad part was her mother’s death barely even rated next to the fear and worry she’d experienced last night not knowing where Jay was or if he was okay. The bruses forming over his torso and face told her the concern was well placed. 

Hank had talked her down off the edge of full blown panic and told her he’d track Jay down. It had helped a little but she didn’t sleep all night wondering if she should have insisted on pinging his phone and gone out looking for him. It wasn’t like Jay to disappear. Lily had had another nightmare and Erin had had more trouble then usual settling her. She was sure it was because she wasn’t feeling very calm herself. 

When Jay finally walked in the first flood of relief receded quickly when she took in how horrible he looked. She’d quickly motioned for him to go clean up before Lily saw him. The last thing the little girl needed was to have Jay’s bloodied face and clothes trigger some awful memories for her. When he’d gone back to the bedroom Erin called Helen and asked her to take Lily down to her place for a bit. It was clear Jay was in bad shape and she didn’t want Lily to hear their conversation. 

After Helen left with Lily Erin made her way into the bedroom. Jay’s clothes were discarded in a trial leading to the bathroom. The sight threw Erin momentarily. Jay always made sure they ended up in the hamper. Well except when they’d been discarded in the heat of passion. Erin bent to pick up his dirty clothes and threw them in the hamper. Then she picked up his gym bag and began emptying it of his dirty street clothes. Her stomach rolled. They didn’t smell like Jay. Instead she picked out the stale stench of alcohol, sourness of vomit and a sweet purfume. The sweet scent touched something on the tip of her memory, she could almost place where it came from, or rather whom, but it was just out of reach. 

Erin pushed against the ache in her chest and took a slow breath to steady her nerves. She would not jump to conclusions. This was Jay after all and no matter what he was going through he was as loyal as they came. Still she couldn’t completely push away the hurt she was feeling. He was obviously going through something much bigger than she’d guessed at and despite his constant insistence that she talk to him and promises to come to her if he needed support, he hadn’t. He’d clearly ended up drinking somewhere, had some kind of fight and she had no idea what else or whom with he’d spent the night. 

“Wheres Lily?” Jay asked, his voice sounding unsteady even to himself. His heart rate had picked up from the surprise of Erin sitting their waiting on him. The way her sad, tired eyes scanned his body didn’t help him recover. 

“I sent her down to Aunt Helen, figured we needed some time to talk,” Erin answered in a quite voice, her tone flat. 

Jay commanded his feet to move and he quickly dressed in sweats and a Tshirt before coming to join Erin, sitting on the edge of the bed. He’d felt her eyes watching him the whole time. She was watching him now. Her dark hazel orbs probing him. He knew he needed to say something but he felt paralyzed by her stare. 

“I was worried,” she finally said. 

“I know. I’m sorry,” Jay offered sincerely but no other words could get past the lump in his throat. His hand slid forward across the comforter in an attempt to clasp her fingers in his but she withdrew. Jay swore he could actually see the wall go up between them. 

“That’s it?” She asked sarcastically, letting a little of the hurt creep into her voice. 

Jay shook his head. “No, of course not, I just, I don’t know where to start.”

“How about with where you were last night? I was worried sick. But now after the way you just came home, I’m not so sure what I should be feeling.”

Jay nodded. He took a breath and prayed he could find a way to tell Erin without hurting her too much. “I went to Mouse’s after they booked him for Bunny’s murder.” Jay stopped abruptly, it donned on him that Erin probably didn’t know why Mouse was in trouble. 

“Hank told me,” she answered his silent question. “I’m sorry I didn’t wait to sign the papers. My phone died, I didn’t get your messages until I got home and charged it.”

Jay nodded. He’d been upset she’d disregarded his request at the time. But he understood now. 

“So you went to Greg’s,” Erin prompted Jay to continue. 

“Yeah, to look for the phone. His place was a mess Erin. I hadn’t realized how bad he’d let things get,” Jay paused and looked up at her. He wasn’t sure what he’d hoped to see in her eyes, understanding of his guilt at letting his best friend down maybe? But her expectant eyes told him to continue. He remembered she’d been home all week and hadn’t seen how off Mouse was acting.   
“I, um, he’s been struggling hard these last weeks. Bunny was blackmailing him. She’d recorded one of the guys in our unit talking about what we did over there. She was going to send it in, have us investigated for war crimes. Mouse, it messed him up bad. I, ah, I listened to the recording.” Jay ran his hand across his forehead then behind his neck. The memory of what he’d heard and how it had taken him back to Afghanistan made if difficult to swallow. 

But still Erin sat quiet, waiting. It was clear he was going to have to spell everything out for her. “I guess with everything else, the case and trying to be what you and Lily deserve, it just pushed me over the edge hearing all that stuff? I, um,” Jay took a breath. These next words were the hardest he’d ever spoken. “The memories just came too fast and too real and I had a panic attack.” He admitted shamefully. “I just felt so damn helpless and like I was letting everyone down and I just needed to make it all stop you know? I saw the bar and I went in. I figured a couple quick drinks would calm me down. I don’t know what happened. I guess I,” Jay stopped and examined his hands. How did he explain why he’d drunk himself into a blackout last night? 

“You fell in a hole,” Erin’s words had Jay looking up at her. The look in her eyes told him she understood exactly where his head was at last night. Of course she understood, Jay thought. If anyone could understand what it was like to be consumed by guilt and needing to block out pain it was Erin. 

“What happened at the bar?” Her voice was calm, even, but he could see in her eyes how much she was terrified of his answer. He wanted to reach up and cup her cheek, tell her something, anything to make her smile, make her eyes dance with the happiness that should be there right now, instead he was dragging her down in the hole with him. Hurting her in a way he swore he never would. 

“Nothing,” he croaked our. “I swear Erin, nothing. Allie was at the bar with some friends. She saw me there and let me crash on her couch, that’s it.” Jay said adamantly. 

“Why didn’t she bring you home?” Erin asked, her voice noticeably more rough. 

“I didn’t want either of you to see me like that. You’ve both been through so much. I’m supposed to be protecting you and Lily from that stuff not bring it home to you.” It was the only explanation he could offer but he hung his head in shame as he spoke. 

“No Jay.” Erin said firmly, making his head snap up. “What you’re supposed to be is my fiancé. My partner. I’m exactly who you should be bringing this stuff home to. Yet I’m the last to know. I’ve been asking you how you were doing and you kept telling me you were fine, that you wanted to be here with Lily and me. Yet I find out from Hank you’re working a gruesome pedophile case, that Greg could have killed Bunny. And know you’re telling me now you’re not fine with helping raise Lily, that you’re having flashbacks and panic attacks and getting black out drunk and going home with other women.”

Silence. The room was filled with silence. He knew he needed to say something but what could Jay say to any of that? Erin was right. He couldn’t bare to look at the pain in her eyes so he shut his trying to think of something, some way to undo all the hurt he’d caused. 

“I’m sorry,” she said when he didn’t speak. Jay opened his eyes and looked her over. Her apology confused him. Her hurt and anger he understood, expected, but he didn’t understand this. “I guess I’ve been so wrapped up in all my own shit again I didn’t see how much you were struggling. I knew you were tired but... I should have seen it. I should have been a better partner. But I guess I didn’t want to. I guess I needed to believe that you were okay so I could adjust to having Lily. I’m sorry. That was really selfish of me. I shouldn’t have expected so much of you. It wasn’t fair. Lily isn’t your problem.”

A vice gripped Jay’s heart. He wanted to drag himself back into the boxing ring and beat himself senseless. He’d fucked up, really fucked up and Erin was blaming herself. “Erin’s don’t apologize you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact you’ve done everything right. I’ve been so amazed by how you’ve dealt with all this. And I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be here. I love you. I love Lily, I just.... It’s scary, we both said that when she came home. I want to give you both the family you deserve. I don’t want you to feel like this is your fault. It’s not Erin.”

“How am I supposed to feel? How would you feel? You’re telling me you’re overwhelmed not just by work and awful memories but by a situation I caused. I brought Lily here. I roped you into all this. It’s my mother’s desperate, insane attempted to take Lily from me that made her open all these wounds for you and Greg. And you’re sitting here telling me that you didn’t want to tell me, you didn’t trust that I could be here for you.” Erin’s voice pitched as she tried desperately to hold herself together. 

Jay shook his head forcefully, “That’s not true Erin. I do trust you, completely. I just, it’s not fair to you, you’ve had so much shit thrown at you you shouldn’t have to deal with mind too.” 

“We promised.” Erin whispered emotionally. “We promised Jay. You stood in my kitchen and made me swear to you that I’d come to you with anything and you did the same. You tell me all the time how strong I am, how tough I am but yet here we are.” 

“Erin,” Jay reached out for her but Erin got up off the bed. He watched as she marched over to the laundry hamper, removed his dirty clothes and tossed them into the trash can in the bathroom with deliberate force. Under different circumstances he probably would have found her actions comical but right now all he could do was wonder how he’d stop her from tossing him out too.


	83. Chapter 83

The week was tense in their household. They’d spoken very little after Erin had made her dramatic display of throwing out the clothes Jay had worn to the bar. Erin was distant and Jay couldn’t help but feel like he was loosing her. He kept looking for openings to talk to her more but her body language was clear. She wasn’t ready to talk yet. So Jay had no choice but to respect her need for time. 

Hank stood firm on Jay being unofficially suspended and reluctantly called Erin back to duty on Tuesday, he just couldn’t manage their case load down two detectives. Jay felt bad he was the reason she had to cut her time home with Lily short. It was almost comical now, he thought self deprecatingly, the amount of guilt he carried. 

Erin asked Aunt Helen to care for Lily and when Jay pointed out to his aunt that he could watch her since she wasn’t supposed to start full time for another week, his aunt had not minced her words. 

“What you need to be doing is pulling your head out of you behind and fixing things in that brain of yours.” She’d said before quietly sliding a brochure from Veterans Affairs on PTSD across the table to him with a cup of coffee. “My father served. He came home a different man. Back then we were too dumb, too proud to talk about these things. A man was supposed to buck up and pretend like he hadn’t seen the face of hell. It’s not like that now. There’s no shame in what you’re feeling love. There’s no need to suffer like this alone. No need to put your family through this. You want to make things right with Erin? Want to show Lily how a real man behaves? Talk to these people.” She’d said and then gotten up and went to wake Lily for the day. 

He’d taken her words to heart, perhaps it was her choice of words. She knew he’d respond to the call to be a real man. She knew how much that comment would sting his pride. It was almost a dare. And she knew he was desperate to fix the pain he’d caused Erin. If she’d been younger she’d have done cartwheels when Jay told her he’d gone down to Veterans Affairs later that morning. She loved all the Halstead boys, they were her family after all, but she’d lost count of how many times she wanted to plunder the stubborn pride right out of them. Every last one of them had let that pride lead them down a path of stupidity at least once in their lives. 

Jay wasn’t really sure what to expect when he stepped through the doors of the VA. He was nervous when he’d approached the front desk and asked to speak to someone about their ptsd support group. But an hour later he was banging on Mouse’s door, feeling some semblance of control back in his life now that he felt a plan coming together. After apologizing for his behaviour the day before Jay dragged his friend to the gym. While they sparred Jay told Mouse what he’d learned and that they were both going to a ptsd group meeting that night. 

The first meeting had been brutal. Jay wasn’t a talker and sat silently listening to the other men and women tell their stories. He knew at some point he’d have to speak up but just being in the room felt like a huge step for him. He’d come home after Lily and Erin were in bed that night, slightly relieved to be alone. He wasn’t sure yet how to share what was going on with him with Erin. He knew he needed to, he knew it’s what she needed from him, but with the wall she’d put up talking was even harder. 

Erin wasn’t the only one who’d built up a wall around her. Taking her emotional cues from her aunt, Lily had become more leery of Jay. Or maybe it was the bruises marking his face that had Lily eyeing him cautiously. Jay had decided that being Erin’s niece, and so much like Erin, Lily would likely appreciate honestly and directness so Jay had sat down with her and told her he’d gotten the bruises sparring with Mouse when they’d both been upset and things got out of hand. She’d greeted his explanation with silence and asked to go play in her room after. Jay let her go but couldn’t help but feel frustrated with himself. 

“You should feel bad,” Aunt Helen chastised him from the kitchen where she’d been listening while preparing a meal. 

“Gee thanks,” Jay replied sarcastically. 

“What? You think I’m going to bake you cookies and tell you everything’s going to be okay?” She shot back just as sarcastically. She was more than equipped after all these year to handle anything one of her boys threw at her. 

Jay shrugged. “I mean the cookies would be nice,” Jay knew when he was in trouble with the woman who’d raised him along side his mother. He knew better than to sass her too, so he tried to muster up one of his charming smiles by way of apology but Aunt Helen’s face remained stern. 

“You’re a good man Jay. But you’re going to have to do more than talk to that child to show her you deserve her love.” She lectured. 

“Care to offer up some ideas?” He asked, still hoping his charm would ease him out of her bad graces. 

“Well, what did you want from your dad Jay? What was the one thing you wished for from him?”

Jay sat back in his chair, she wasn’t going to make this easy on him he realized. He didn’t like thinking about his old man. Every time he did he got the image of his father screwing his secretary while his mom lay in the hospital dying. But Jay pushed past that image, back further to when he was a child. What did he want from his dad? A lot. He wanted his dad to listen. He wanted his dad to take an interest in him. He wanted his dad to stand up for him when kids teased him, when people hurt him, when his coach...

“Time,” Jay answered abruptly, cutting off that though. “I wanted him to take the time to be with me, get to know me.”

Helen nodded. “I think there’s a little girl down the hall that would love someone to play lego or colour with her.”

Jay shook his head. “She’s pretty scared of me right now.”

Helen merely shrugged and went back to her dinner preparations. But Jay didn’t buy her nonchalant attitude. He felt like he’d been baited, dared even. This was becoming a theme with their conversations he realized. But he couldn’t refuse the bait. If there was one thing Jay didn’t do it was back down from a dare. So Jay got up and went down the hall to Lily’s room, muttering to himself how he’d had the dumb luck to get stuck with so many strong willed women in his life. “You’d be bored to tears without us love,” his aunt had called after him. Jay stopped in his tracks. He’d forgotten how well Aunt Helen’s ears worked. She’d foiled more than one of their childhood schemes with those super sensitive ears of hers. 

Jay knocked gently on Lily’s door then let himself in. After an awkward few minutes they both forgot themselves and got caught up building lego ships to explore the deep sea with. “Score another one for me,” Helen smiled to herself as she set the casserole dish in the oven. She’d be damned if she’d let this little family fall to pieces on her watch.

 

/

“Lindsay?” Sargent Platt called from the top of the bullpen stairs. 

Erin looked up from the file on her desk. “Yeah Sarg?”

“There’s someone here to see Jay, says she’s been trying to get hold of him all week. I told her to leave a message but then she asked for you.”

“Alright.” Erin said, pushing out of her chair. She gave a slow stretch. She’d been hunched over the stack of files for the last hour grateful for the distraction from her thoughts. Actually she was grateful to be here in general, as much as she missed the extra time with Lily. But being at home right now was difficult. She’d never thought she’d say that but the tension between her and Jay was thick. It was true, Jay was trying, he’d started going to a support group and was putting in a lot of time with Lily but there was something stopping Erin from moving on from the weekends events. She knew she was sending out signals for Jay to back off and leave her be right after she told him he should be talking to her. But she needed time. Erin pushed the thought from her mind as she walked through the secure door and down into the district lobby. Platt motioned to the chairs by the door and Erin scanned them. A familiar face had Erin checking herself before she approached. 

“Allie?”

“Hi Erin, I don’t mean to just turn up like this but I’ve been trying to get in contact with Jay all week, you know to check up on him. My parents have been asking about him and I thought it would be great to have him come over to their place for dinner, you know be around people who love him. Do you know where I can find him? I mean I’m not sure if you’re even together since he didn’t want to go home that night but you work together so, anyway he hasn’t gotten back to me and I was just wondering.”

“He’s fine,” Erin cut her off, forcing herself to appear calm and casual. Allie’s perfume flooded Erin’s nose. It was the same sweet smell that had been on Jay’s clothes last weekend. She knew that Jay had spent the night there but seeing Allie, smelling her scent now and remembering who she was to Jay had emotions she’d spent all week repressing pushing to the surface. Here she was, the woman he’d turned to instead of her. He’d told Allie he didn’t want to go home to Erin. She resisted the urge to rub the pain in her chest away. 

She could feel Platt’s eyes on her and knew her fellow officers would just love to see her make a scene. “He’s been busy spending time with our little girl.” Erin added, hoping the smile she forced onto her face looked more natural then it felt. 

“Oh, that’s good then,” Allie’s matching smile faltered and Erin felt herself loosing the battle with civility. Had Allie come here out of concern or on a fishing expedition? 

“Lindsay,” Platt called. “You’re needed upstairs.” 

Erin could have kissed Platt right there in front of the whole district. She was pretty sure there was no one upstairs who needed her and she was certain Platt had been eavesdropping but at this moment she was grateful for it. “I have to go,” Erin forced out pleasantly. “Don’t worry yourself about Jay. I’ll tell him you stopped by. Tell your parents WE’LL make plans to stop by as soon as we can. Things have just been crazy around here with our engagement and becoming parents.” She added, hoping Allie got the message loud and clear Jay had people who loved him at home. 

Erin didn’t wait for Allie to answer instead she turned and made her way into the stairwell leading down to the roll up, taking the steps as quickly as she could. Had she acted petty? Maybe. But she couldn’t help herself. She prayed no one was down here because she was sure she couldn’t hold it together any longer. 

Anger came first and she kicked at a chair. Then the helpless feeling of betrayal and jealousy she’d been telling herself not to feel all week. The same feelings that made her throw out Jay’s clothes. It didn’t matter if she managed to wash the smell out of them. Every time she saw that shirt she knew she’d think of the night he spent with Allie and she just couldn’t put herself through that. 

She would look in the mirror every morning and tell herself “He’s here. He wants to be here. He loves you.” She’d remind herself that she was the last person who could throw stones. She’d done worse hasn’t she after Nadia died? And she’d ignore the voice telling her they weren’t together back then and they hadn’t made promises when she did that stuff. But seeing Allie just now, live, in the flesh, her perfectly manicured body, her good upbringing evident in the confident way she held herself, smelling her perfume; It had been too much. Erin imagined Allie helping a broken and hurting Jay into her apartment. She imagined the intimacy of her helping Jay through one of the worst nights of his life while Erin sat at home worried sick and alone.

“Erin?” Platt’s usually loud voice was barely a whisper as she interrupted Erin’s thoughts. 

“Yeah,” Erin pulled herself upright, schooled her features and turned to look at Platt. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, fine.” she nodded. 

Platt looked her over and gave a satisfied nod. “Didn’t mean to interrupt your minute alone but this time Hank really is looking for you. He said it’s time to leave.” 

Erin nodded. She’d almost forgotten they’d planned to scatter Bunny’s ashes this afternoon. “Okay thanks. I have to run home change and grab Jay. Would you mind telling Hank we’ll meet him there?”

“No problem,” Platt smiled at her with sympathy. 

Erin felt her pocket for her keys, relieved she wouldn’t have to make the trek back upstairs for them. She’d be without a coat for the drive but she wanted to change anyway so she’d just grab another while she was home. 

/

Erin slipped the dark knitted sweater over her blouse and rain her hands over the smooth fabric of her dress pants. She chided herself for caring so much about her appearance given how Bunny had treated her all her life but Erin couldn’t bring herself to show up to her mother’s memorial in jeans. 

“I can’t believe she expects you guys to do this for her,” Jay quipped as he came out of the bathroom buttoning his dress shirt. 

“Why are you coming Jay? We both know you couldn’t stand her.” Erin snapped unexpectedly at his remark. 

“I couldn’t stand the way she treated you.” Jay corrected more gently, startled by Erin’s forcefulness. 

“Yeah she was a shitty mom but she was my mom,” Erin continued angrily. “She spent most of her life living in hell and maybe I need this as much as she does Jay. Maybe I just need to know that she’s finally free from all the shit this life threw at her. Maybe I need to do this so I can finally be free of her too. What’s so wrong with that? You know what? Just don’t bother coming.”

“Erin I’m sorry,” Jay began, quickly apologizing. He hadn’t intended to upset her and was surprised at her outburst. “I want to be there for you.” He added sincerely. 

“You know what I want Jay? I want to be there for YOU. I want you to LET me be there for you. I don’t give a damn about your apologies. I want you to trust me. Trust that I’m gonna hold up my end. I want it to be me you come to when you need to fall apart not your high school sweetheart.”

“Erin I didn’t go to her, I told you that’s not how it happened.” Jay responded trying to keep up with the quick change of topic. 

“But you didn’t come home either Jay. You should have come home.” Erin’s voice caught as she fought back tears. She would not let herself cry. “I’ve tried Jay,” she let out a shaky sigh. “I’ve tried so hard to push it out of my head. I tried so hard to tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that I’m being selfish thinking about it, that I should try to understand what you’re going through and I do understand at least in part, but I can’t get it out of my head. All I can see is you telling her you didn’t want to come home to me. And it hurts Jay. It hurts so damn much.” Erin didn’t want to be this girl but she couldn’t deny what she was feeling anymore. 

“Erin, I,” Jay stepped towards her, desperately wanting to ease the hurt he’d caused. But Erin put her hand up to stop him and continued. Her voice was more solid now, hurt replaced by anger. 

“She came by the stations today.” She pauses waiting for her words to affect Jay. They did. She saw the surprise on his face. “She said she’d been calling you. She implied we weren’t together anymore. She said you needed to be around people who love you. Do you know how much that hurt Jay? Do you know what it feels like to think that this girl was there for you that night and she thinks that I don’t love you? That I’m not what you need?” 

“Erin,” Jay tried again but Erin wasn’t done. 

“I know I’m not perfect Jay. And I don’t even pretend to know what it is that you went through but you trusted me enough to share with me before, when I was in the hospital. Why don’t you trust me now?”

“I do trust you Erin. I never meant to break my promise to you. I though I could handle it. I thought I was protecting you, letting you focus on Lily. I didn’t want to admit to you or even myself what was really going on or how bad it was. I didn’t want to fail you... or myself. I, I guess I was ashamed. Ashamed that it could get to me again. I didn’t plan to go to that bar or get that drunk or see Allie or go home with her. It just happened. I, I lost control.” His voice was a whisper by the end but he forced himself to continue. “And this week, you put so much distance between us. I was just trying to give you the space I thought you needed. I’ve been so scared of saying or doing another wrong thing and loosing you, I guess I just figured it was better to wait.” 

“So this is on me?” She’d thought having some time to process everything would make this easier but instead she’d only managed to send him mixed signals. 

“No Erin, damn it no,” Jay was so frustrated with himself. He couldn’t seem to say the right thing. He stepped towards Erin and took both her arms in his hands gently. He bent his knees, bringing himself down to her eye level. “This is on me Erin. All of it. I did this. And I want I fix it. I love you. I want to be here with you, marry you, raise Lily with you. Do all the things we’ve talked about. I messed up. Bad. I know I hurt you. I know that. I know I have to face all this crap I’ve been pushing down. I thought I’d done that long ago but it’s all come up again. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept it from you. And more than anything I regret making you worry. I should have come home. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. Whatever it is Erin. I’ll do it.”

The man she loved has spiralled right under her nose and she hadn’t seen the signs. Or maybe turned a blind eye to them, too wrapped up in learning to be a mother to a needy child. Either way she believed Jay when he said he was trying to protect her because that’s what he always did. His intentions were good even if they were misguided and ended up hurting her. But she didn’t need protecting. She needed to know that he saw her as an equal. That he believed she was strong enough to help him dig out of this hole the same way he’d helped lift her up. 

“Tell me you’ll talk to me. Tell me you’ll let me help you through this. Tell me I’m enough for you.” She hadn’t intended for that last sentence to come out. She felt pathetic asking for this but held onto a shred of dignity knowing she kept her tears in check. She hated this side of love. How it could make you weak and needy. She swore she’d never let herself be in this place needing a man to boost her self worth. Needing anything from a man. Being like her mother. But deep down she knew this was different. That their love was different. She knew Jay was different. But she let another woman get in her head. Allie reminded Erin of everything she wasn’t and never would be. 

Jay’s heart broke. They’d come so far only to end up back here, with Erin wondering if she was worth loving. Only it was him who’d pushed her back to this place. This time it was his past coming between them, his actions hurting her. He would find a way to fix this. He had to. 

Jay cupped her cheeks in his hands and waited for her to look up at him. “You’re not just enough Erin. You’re everything.” 

They stared in each other’s eyes, Jay trying to prove his word to her. She was about to speak again when her phone buzzed. She broke their connection and moved around him and picked it up off the bed, reading the message. “It’s Hank. He says their freezing their asses off. He’s wondering where we are. We need to go.”

Jay nodded knowing he wouldn’t get anything else for now, he needed to let her say goodbye to Bunny, and took a little comfort in the fact that she was letting him come with her after all.


	84. 84

*author note: I haven’t had a chance to reply to everyone’s reviews but please know that I do read them all and your words are so appreciated. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging me to keep going. I can never express how amazing you all make me feel. Much love!*   
/

“You’re everything.” 

The words kept playing in her head on repeat. They warmed her as she stood by the waters edge in the January cold and watched Teddy tip the urn of their mother’s ashes into the wind. They’d kept it quiet and simple. Hank, Teddy, herself and Jay had met by the lake. They stood in silence for a few moments, no one quite knowing what to say, before Teddy had taken the urn from Hank, opened it, turned it gently on its side and slowly let the wind catch the ashes. The dust swirled on the breeze and carried out over the water, some of it landing in the frigid waves. They watched, the sound of icy waves hitting rocks the only noise as they stood shivering, until the last of it had scattered. 

And that’s that, Erin thought without emotion. Maybe it was the cold, or the awful scene she’d just had with Jay, or the silence of everyone else that was there with her, but she just couldn’t summon any feelings towards her mother at the moment. Or maybe it was because Bunny had literally exhausted any kind of emotional response from Erin. The only thing she could really focus on were Jay’s words. 

“You’re everything,” he’d said and then she’d stepped around him to retrieve her buzzing phone because she didn’t quite trust what would come out of her mouth just then. She’d already let too many words fly. She felt slightly bad for the way she’d gone off on him out of the blue but it had been building for days and seeing Allie had pushed her over the edge. Maybe it was better she’d finally said it all out loud. 

She snuck a look up at him now. He stood close to her side, his arm resting around her, likely as much because he could see her shivering as it was to offer support. He still looked so tired. The bruises had faded in the last few days but still stood out in contrast to his paler than usual skin. 

She’d become more aware of how fidgety he was in his sleep the last few nights, that is when she didn’t wake to find his side of the bed empty. She’d gone looking for him one night, worried he’d given in to the temptation to ease his mind with drink, only to find him asleep sitting upright on the couch, the low light of late night tv illuminating his figure. 

She knew he was far from digging himself out of the hole he was in but he’d been trying to do everything right this week. Erin eased a little closer to him now, taking advantage of the warmth of his body. She’d said her peace this afternoon, as messy and unflattering as it was, and his response was more than she’d hoped for. He’d said she was everything. Now she needed to give him the chance to prove his words. She needed to take a risk and push her wall back down. She wanted him to talk, so she’d have to show up and listen. 

Hank had insisted on taking them to an early dinner afterwards. They sat in a quiet restaurant by the water eating and made small talk. Erin found herself staring out the window as the clear blue sky turned to streaks of red and purple and the sun fell. She hated how quickly the dark set in in the winter. It made days like today even more depressing and stole her appetite away. 

“I have some news on Greg,” Hank said, causing Erin to turn her attention back to the group. 

A look passed between her and Teddy. They’d talked midweek and Erin had filled Teddy in on what they thought happened to Bunny. They’d both agreed they held no ill feelings towards Greg. Bunny had manipulated him and as far as they were concerned Bunny was responsible for what happened to her. Erin had told Greg as much when she’d stopped by his place this morning on the way to work. She knew from Jay that he was feeling pretty bad about what happened to her mother so she wanted to ease his mind the best she could. Erin was shocked by his appearance. He, like Jay, looked like he’d been through the ringer. Greg had let her in but it had taken several minutes of her talking and reassuring him before he’d make eye contact with her. She could see he felt guilty and Erin didn’t want him carrying that around on top of everything else he had going on. It was then that she learned where all Jay’s bruises had come from. She was disappointed to hear the best friends had fought but was glad they moved passed it quickly and were trying to support each other through this mess. It was also relieving to know Jay hadn’t been in a bar fight the night he got drunk as she had feared. 

“What’s going on?” Jay asked anxiously, drawing Erin’s attention back to Hank. 

“I was able to get a look at the apartment building entry survelence camera footage finally,” Hank said gruffly. Erin knew homicide had been blocking Hank at every turn trying to keep Intelligence from getting involved in the case since it was a member of their unit accused. “It does show Greg coming and going but it also shows Todd Murphy, her current boyfriend, coming in about five minutes after Greg left and then leaving with a backpack about ten minutes later. The crime scene photos showed Bunny’s place had been tossed, that’s not how Greg described seeing it last.”

“So there’s reasonable doubt? Her boyfriend could have come in, they could have fought?” Jay inferred. 

Hank nodded his agreement. “He’s a known drug dealer,” he added. 

“So he could have been keeping a stash there? And left with it in the backpack?” Erin pondered. 

“Why would he toss the place?” Teddy asked, trying to follow their train of thought. 

“Make it look like break and entry, hoping he wouldn’t be tied to her death?” Jay guessed. 

“It’s possible. I’ve got Atwater and Ruzek out looking for this punk. When they grab him up I’ll have a little chat with him.” Hank said flatly. 

Erin and Jay eyed each other knowing full well what Hank’s seemingly casual statement meant. Erin pushed aside the uncomfortable feeling she always got when Hank was about to cross a line. Right now it was more important they get Greg out from under this mess. 

“In the meantime I got word they released Bunny’s apartment. I didn’t know if you wanted in there?” Hank asked looking at Erin and Teddy. Teddy paled and sat back in his chair, Erin remained silent, her face impassive. “I can have it taken care of,” Hank offered at their non response. 

“No,” Erin said slowly. “I, I think I’d like to go have a look.” 

“Are you sure kiddo?” 

“Yeah,” she said more confidently. 

“I’ll go with you,” Teddy added. 

“You don’t have to,” Erin shook her head. 

“No I think I need to. Can we go now?” 

Erin nodded, pushing away her half eaten dinner. Hank produced keys from his pocket and placed them in Erin’s hand. 

They thanked Hank for dinner and headed out to their cars. Once next to Jay’s car Erin turned to him. “I can ride with Teddy so you can get home and change,” Erin offered. 

“You don’t want me to go with you?” Jay asked. He wasn’t really interested in sorting through whatever mess Bunny had left behind in this life but he’d expected Erin would want his help and support. 

“I thought you had another meeting tonight? You said they had them twice a week?” 

“I do but I can go with you instead. I feel like I haven’t really been there for you with this.” He explained. 

Erin smiled gently at him. “I’m okay Jay, really. I’d feel better if you went to your meeting. Teddy and I will go to the apartment and then I’ll meet you at home.”

“Are you sure? You didn’t really eat much,” Jay didn’t like feeling like Erin was shutting him out. Her appetite was always a good indication of her mental state and Erin hadn’t had much of one at dinner. He’d hoped their conversation earlier had helped her but maybe not. 

“Jay,” Erin began placing her hand on his chest. “She’s taken enough from us. I need you to go to your meeting. I shouldn’t be long at Bunny’s. I’ll tuck Lily in and make us a snack, you should be home by then and we can talk.” She smiled meekly at him hoping the mention of food would reassure him and he could see she was ready to let her wall down. 

Jay reached up and tucked a stran of Erin’s hair behind her ear then ran his knuckles gently down her cheek. Her words had him feeling relieved and terrified all at once. He was relieved she wanted to give him, give them, a chance to work through things but terrified because he still didn’t know how to get the words she needed to hear to come out of his mouth. 

“Okay,” he agreed. “But I’ll leave my cell on vibrate. If you change your mind or need anything just call. I’ll be there.”

Erin nodded. “I know you will Jay.” And she did know but she didn’t need him to take care of her right now. She needed him to take care of himself. 

She placed a chase kiss on his lips and climbed into her brother’s car. 

/

Erin gave the crime scene tape covering the door a little tug. It snapped and sank to the floor. “You sure you want to do this?” She asked Teddy once more. She’d warned him on the drive over that the place was likely a mess between being tossed and the crime scene investigators going through everything. 

“Yeah, it seems like the right thing to do. Maybe it will help with the whole closure thing,” he shrugged. Erin nodded and turned the key in the lock. She pushed the door open slowly not sure what she’d find on the other side. The apartment wasn’t too much of a mess. Some couch cushions had been tossed, things knocked off shelves and a few drawers up ended but she’d definitely seen crime scenes in much worse shape. 

“So where do we begin?” Teddy asked as he wondered the small living area. “What do we do with all this stuff?”

“I don’t know. I guess see if there’s anything you want to keep and then arrange for the rest to be donated?” Erin suggested. 

They continued to wander the apartment not finding anything of significant value or sentiment. Thankfully Bunny didn’t have much clutter, the one good part about moving from man to man so often Erin though bitterly. In the bedroom closet Erin spied a decorative box, about the size of a shoe box, in behind Bunny’s shoes. She pulled it out and placed it on the bed. 

“What you find?” Teddy asked, coming in the room. 

“Don’t know yet,” she said, taking the lid off the box. To her surprise it was half filled with old photos. 

“You look surprised,” Teddy observed. 

“I mean we moved so much and sometimes in a hurry I didn’t think she had time to save anything. And I don’t ever remember anyone taking pictures.”

Teddy sat on the bed and took out a small handful of pictures. He thumbed through them slowly. “These seem to be all of her and whoever she was partying with. I don’t recognize anyone.” Erin shifted the box so she could sit beside Teddy and look at the pictures. She had to agree with Teddy. She dug out another small handful of pictures, the first few were much the same, Bunny partying, some old, some more recent. 

“Good to know she saved all the important moments,” Teddy said sarcastically. “I mean who would think to take pictures of their kids anyway?” 

Erin let out a single note of bitter laughter. How sad was it that their mom had no thought to document their childhood with photos. It just confirmed for Erin how little their mother valued them. Hell, Erin knew there were dozens of pictures of her in the stacks of old photo albums Camille had kept organized when she was alive. They were tucked away in the chest at the foot of Hank’s bed. Hank had practically forced Erin into Camille’s life yet the woman had accepted her and captured her teen years on film with the same love and thoughtfulness she did her own son’s. The thought made her heart close even further to her mother. 

Erin’s mind wandered to Lily. She didn’t ever want Lily to have a moment in her life where she felt like this, that she wasn’t wanted or loved or cherished enough to have the moments of her life captured forever on film. It seemed like such a small silly thing but not having that evidence that her mother at least had moments where she felt something for her children definitely hurt. 

Erin tossed the photos back in the box. There was nothing here for her, nothing more she’d ever get from her mother. It was time to walk away.


	85. Chapter 85

Jay rubbed his hands up and down his legs again trying to dry the dampness that kept forming there. It was a smaller turn out tonight then earlier this week with several different faces amongst the group. Attendance wasn’t mandatory and the VA offered several different ptsd group times to try and accommodate differing schedules but Jay and Greg agreed, at least while they were on forced leave, that they should probably make the most of the program. Given the choices they’d both made in recent weeks, and what it had cost them, it seemed like a good idea. 

But just because he was here didn’t mean he was feeling better. In fact tonight it was having the opposite affect on him. He wasn’t sure if it was listening to a man by the name of Matt talk about an experience he’d had in Afghanistan that touched a little too close to Jay’s own memories of his time there or Erin’s promise that tonight they’d talk that had his palms sweaty and his heart beating irraticlly. 

“You alright man? You look like you’re gonna chew your damn lip off.” Greg asked quietly. 

Jay nodded, making a conscious effort to release his lip from between his teeth, but he was lying. 

“So I see his face every night.....” Matt continued. Jay looked around the room at the faces of the other veterans. Their expressions solemn as they listened attentively. Matt’s voice faded into the background. The sound of Jay’s increasing heart rate filling his ears. He forced himself to refocus his attention on Matt and tried to concentrate. “He was just a kid....” a flash of a memory, a boy’s face, filled Jay’s sight. It was the kid they’d killed while looking for Hollingsworth. Jay closed his eyes and tried to take a slow breath but the boy’s face was replaced by Lily’s, just like in his nightmares. “I went mad with anger...” Jay thought of the recording on Greg’s phone. How Tom detailed their rage fuelled revenge on the people who’d tortured and killed Hollingsworth. The smell of the room they’d tortured Hollingsworth in filled his nose. A weight pressed down on his chest. He tried to draw air but the room was stifling all of the sudden. 

He had to get air. 

Right now. 

Jay jumped to his feet and blindly headed for the exit, stumbling through the doors, into the hall. He fell against a wall, gasping for air. 

He felt a presence beside him. “Slow.” The deep voice encouraged gently. “Focus on the wall, feel the cool brick under your hand. Breath in slow, now out slow. That’s right. Focus on the here, the now, the ugly yellow some overpaid government employee decided was a good colour to paint this old brick over with. Breath in... now out... there you go...” It was Miguel, Jay realized as the adrenaline subsided and he caught his breath, one of the group facilitators. He was leaning casually against the wall beside Jay like he had nothing better to do. 

“Jay how are you doing?”

“I umm,” more than anything Jay was feeling embarrassed. 

“It’s not uncommon here you know, what just happened to you.” Miguel tired to reassure him. But Jay didn’t want to hear it. 

“I’m fine,” he lied for the second time tonight and straightened to his full height. 

“I noticed tonight seemed to be a little hard for you. How can we support you right now Jay?” Jay looked at him, was this guy for real? But there was no judgement or condescending tone to Miguel. He acted like Jay having a panic attack was a normal every day occurrence around here. Well, he’d basically said as much a minute ago. Jay rolled his eyes. It wasn’t normal for Jay. He didn’t want it to be normal. He didn’t want to be like the men and woman in that room, controlled by their past. He needed to make all this stop so he could get back to his life. So he could keep his promises. So he could remove the hurt he’d put in Erin’s eyes. He realized Miguel was waiting for an answer. 

“I just, I just need to make things right. I need to stop hurting the woman I love.” He blurted out on a frustrated sigh. 

Miguel nodded. “It’s often the people we love the most we hurt. It’s hard for them to understand.”

“No it’s not like that, she’s not,” Jay shook his head. He didn’t have the patience to explain how he’d fucked things up with Erin. “I just need to talk to her but...”

“It can be hard to open up. And scary. Have you ever talked to anyone else?” Miguel asked still leaning casually against the wall. 

“What like a professional or something?”

Miguel nodded. 

“Like therapy?” Jay asked, a look of disgust on his face. 

Miguel smiled gently. “I know people have this idea about what happens in therapy but you might be surprised. Sometimes you can learn better ways of handling the memories, work through the panic attacks, the nightmares. It’s a safe place to learn to talk things through.”

“Isn’t that what this group is for?” Jay barely contained his sarcasm. 

“In part, everyone gets something different from coming here and some have other places they get support too. Sometimes we need more than one kind of help to get us through the toughest parts.”

“Like therapy,” Jay said again, the word still feeling vile on his tongue. 

“Yes like therapy, among other things. Sometimes talking one on one can be less overwhelming then talking in a group, at least at first. I can give you a referral if you like? You can think about it some more.”

Jay’s attention was drawn away from Miguel by the sudden noise drifting out from the meeting room. Group had ended and people were beginning to talk and mingle as they got ready to leave. 

“I, I should probably get home. My girl, she’s waiting for me,” Jay said, grateful to have an excuse to end the conversation. 

Miguel nodded. Jay mused at how often he did that and wondered if it was part of his training as a group leader. Did they tell him to nod and look at you like everything you said was interesting while appearing completely casual? Did he practice in a mirror? Okay now you’re just being an ass, Jay chastised himself. He realized he’d missed half of what Miguel had just said only catching the end “...But if you change your mind you can give me a call, I’d be happy to connect you with someone.”

“Yeah sure thanks,” Jay mumbled. 

/

Jay made his way quietly into the apartment so as not to disturb Lily if she’d already fallen asleep. He spied Erin at the table, busy moving some papers and a book around, and called her name softly but she didn’t react. Instead he heard her humming softly, occasionally singing along to some unheard music. Jay smiled. He loved the melodic rasp of her voice and wished she wasn’t so self conscious about singing in front of him. Sometimes she’d sing to Lily on the nights she was really scared after a nightmare and Jay would sit quietly and watch her. Her voice resonated low in his belly, somehow it both soothed and excited him. 

As he drew closer he realized she had earbuds in and was listening to music on her phone. There were photos, not papers, spread across the dining table and he could see the book was a photo album. He circled to her side trying to draw her attention without startling her. The movement caused her to look up. She smiled and tugged the earbuds from her ears. 

“Hey,” she greeted him. 

“Hey,” he echoed back. “Trying not to wake Lily?” He asked, pointing to her earbuds. 

“Yeah.”

“She settle okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing?” 

“Starting a photo album for Lily. I have some pictures from Sam of Shelby and when Lily was a baby and some from Christmas and stuff I printed off my phone.”

Jay cocked his head to the side, curious what brought this on all the sudden. 

“We went through her things.” Erin answered his unspoken question. “Bunny’s things,” She clarified. “It was depressing actually.” She laughed a bit. “And I guess, I guess I just want Lily to grow up knowing she’s loved, that we took the time to make memories with her that are worth keeping, that we cherish our time with her and value her,” she shrugged and looked at the table she was working on. 

Jay gave her shoulders a squeeze. It hurt knowing this amazing woman had grown up without any of the things she’d just mentioned. It reminded him how much he wanted to make her feel loved and cherished by him and he bent to kiss her cheek. “Erin with you in her life there’s no chance that girl will ever doubt she’s loved.” 

Erin’s heart swelled with emotion at Jay’s loving words and she placed her hand over his. After a moment to swallow past the lump in her throat and blink tears away she looked up at him. “Hungry? We had dinner pretty early.”

“A bit.” Erin moved to get up and grab them something but Jay stopped her. “But I can help you finish this first,” he said moving to the chair next to her.

“How was your meeting?” She asked once he’d sat down. 

Jay shrugged as he’s slipping some pictures into the album. It was do or die time. “Not so great. I um, had a bit of a panic attack,” he confessed trying to focus on the task of organizing pictures and not how hard it was to get the words out. 

Erin’s hands stilled and she looked up at him. He looked up briefly and the vulnerability in his eyes touched something deep within Erin. She hesitated for a beat before she got up from the table, wondering if her next move would make Jay uncomfortable. She didn’t want him to shut down before he’d even started. Pushing her doubt aside she moved to his lap and slipped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen briefly before he enclosed her in a tight hug and leaned his head against hers. 

Jay lost track of time. He lost track of everything but the soft scent of Erin’s hair as he held her in his lap. He’d come in, hands still sweaty from nervousness, still anxious about what he would say but now her warm touch calmed him the way it always did. His breathing relaxed as he revelled in the feel of her in his arms. It had only been a week since he’d held her like this but it felt like an eternity. 

Jay closed his eyes again and let whatever words would come fall out of his mouth. “This guy was talking about what happened during a raid and it reminds me of the boy, you know the one I told you about?” Erin nodded without lifting her head. She had a feeling Jay would talk more freely if he didn’t have to look directly at her. “I don’t know why it’s bothering me now. I’ve been having dreams about it but instead of the boy it’s Lily who we killed,” he admitted. 

Erin ran her hand up and down Jay’s back. She wanted to say something to make him feel better but she remembered when she was struggling the thing that helped her most was just feeling Jay close to her. 

“I can’t stand it Erin.” He confessed. “This feeling of not being in control of where my thoughts go, the way my body won’t listen to me. It’s why I used to drink when I first got home. It used to drown it all out.”

“The relief that comes in those moments of escape is everything. At least at the time,” she agreed quietly. 

Jay tightened his hold on her. As much as he hated she’d been through awful things in her life, he was grateful she understood what he was trying to say. 

“When did all this start?”

“I guess when we got custody of Lily. I want her Erin,” he reassured Erin quickly, pulling her back slightly to look at her. “I meant what I said when I asked you to marry me. I love you both. This is the life I want but,” Jay looked away. He was ashamed to admit how he felt. He was supposed to be her rock, he was supposed to be strong and protect them both. “I guess I’m scared.”

“Me too,” she admitted. “Terrified actually.” Erin cupped Jay’s face and turned it to look at her. “But do you think less of me for it?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why would you think I’d think less of you?” Jay didn’t have an answer for her. Jay seemed to search Erin’s face for something before looking down at her lap. She let the silence stretch for a minute giving Jay time to work out whatever he was thinking. She knew it wasn’t just Lily that had brought on the panic attacks and nightmares. He had a lot on his shoulders this past while. But she could agree it was completely overwhelming, becoming a parent all of the sudden, especially to someone so needy. It was a huge learning curve trying to understand her medical issues and helping her with all the trauma she’d been through. When he still didn’t speak she tried something else. 

“What do you need Jay?”

“You,” he confessed quietly, still not looking up. “I need you to not give up on me. Not give up on us. I know I hurt you but...”

“Shhh,” she hushed him gently and took his face in her hands. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Jay we’ve been through hell and back together; on the job, as a couple. You have nothing to prove here. You’re an amazing man Jay. Better than I probably deserve. I’m sorry you felt like you had to carry this alone but you don’t. And you don’t have to protect me from it, from you. I love you, all of you, even the dark and haunted parts. Same as you love me.”

Jay closed his eyes and let out a long slow breath. 

“Do you remember when I asked you how you coped with everything that was going on in your head, after Nadia was killed and I couldn’t sleep?” Jay nodded. “Remember you told me that being here with me helped?” He nodded again. “Does it still help?” 

“Yeah.” Jay ran his hand over Erin’s hair. It did help. He’d felt it the moment she’d climbed in his lap. 

“So be here with me Jay. Even if you don’t have the words. Just be here. Lean on me for a bit. I’m pretty good back up you know,” she tried to smile and lighten her tone to teasing, hoping it would lighten his mood a little. It worked. Jay gave her a lopsided grin before he buried his face in her neck. 

“Yeah you are.” She felt him take another deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“I am too,” she said, nuzzling her nose against his cheek and enjoyed the feel of his hands running up and down the length of her back. She lifted her head slowly and waited for him to do the same. “I love you too Jay, so much.” 

A slow smiled spread across his face and he leaned in tentatively to touch his lips against hers. Erin kissed him back confidently, deepening their connection. It took a fraction of a second for Jay to respond and their tender apology to turn to heated passion. After a week of feeling like they were worlds apart they were impatient to find their way back to each other. 

Jay slipped one arm under Erin’s legs and lifted her as he stood. They continued to kiss as he carried her to their room. Once there Jay lay Erin on the bed and climbed over her. Slowly he trailed kisses over her soft skin, removing the clothing blocking his path as he went. Each kiss an apology and a promise. 

When she was naked Erin pushed Jay down on his back and tenderly placed kisses over his face, neck and chest, removing his clothing as she went just like he had done to her. She knew it would take time for Jay figure out how to deal with everything he’d been through but she hoped her touch could heal him in some small way. She placed kisses across his lower belly from hip to hip, his muscles twitching under her ministrations. She slowly undid his belt buckle and then each button of his fly, making sure her fingers brushed up against him. 

Jay’s need to kiss away the pain he’d caused was replaced with an urgency to connect their bodies. He needed to feel her all around him. He needed to loose himself in her soft scent and let her warmth envelop him. Once she’d tugged his jeans down his legs he reached for her, sitting up to meet her for a searing kiss before again laying her on her back. He let the length of his body rest against hers and starred into her eyes. His heart rate kicked up but this time at the pleasure of feeling their deep connection return as she starred back at him. She smiled before fisting her hands in his hair and pulling his lips back down to meet hers. And Jay was lost. But this time instead of drowning he was flying and Erin was right there with him. 

/

They lay facing each other, snuggled under the blankets in the semi dark, listening to their breathing return to normal. Erin watched Jay’s face as his eyes followed the path his fingers were skating over her shoulder and face. 

“What are you thinking?” She asked carefully. 

“I’m mad at myself for upsetting you to the point you slept in another room this week. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to sleep away from me.”

“What are you talking about?” She asked, bewildered. 

“Saturday night, when I came home, you’d gone to sleep somewhere else.”

Erin propped herself up on one elbow. “No I didn’t. Well, not because I was upset with you. Lily’s new psychologist, she said we should try laying down with her in her bed after she’s had a nightmare rather than bring her in here. So that’s what I did.”

“Oh,” Jay felt a bit foolish now at his assumption. 

“Oh.” Erin agreed. 

They returned to their comfortable silence and Erin lay back down, shifting so her head rested against Jay’s shoulder. 

“Can I ask you something?” She asked some time later. 

“Of course.” 

“Why did Hank put you on leave? He won’t tell me anything.” 

Jay shifted, rolling onto his back and Erin sat up, crossing her legs. She looked down at him. 

“We were getting nowhere trying to find that pedophile. Dead boys kept turning up. It was brutal what that animal did to them Erin. We were all frustrated, Saturday I blew off some steam in the break room.” Jay could feel Erin’s expectant gaze. “I threw a chair.” He confessed. “Voight sent me home.” 

“You looked exhausted when you came in.” 

“Yeah, I was but mostly I was pissed. I was pretty messed up Sunday morning obviously. I heard Adam’s message that they had a suspect in custody and I just...” Jay blew out a breath. “As soon as I saw him I just lost it. I...”

“I know, I get it Jay,” Erin knew what it was to be consumed by a case, to be compelled to see it through, to be desperate to do anything to get justice, to make assholes like that monster pay. And after the night he’d had Saturday she could easily understand how on edge he would have been. 

“I put him up against the wall. Voight walked in and pulled me out. We had words, I got tossed.” He voice was clipped. She could tell he was still angry about it but wether it was at Hank for pulling him out or himself for crossing the line she didn’t know. 

Erin ran her hand over Jay’s chest soothingly. She couldn’t judge him for his actions, having been in his shoes herself. A quick flash of memory came to her. She remembered standing in the rain and the sound of her gun going off as she filled Greg Yates with bullets, making him pay for what he’d done to those girls, for what he’d done to Nadia. She imagined feeling everything she’d felt then and adding on what Jay was also struggling with last weekend. She couldn’t imagine being able to stand up under that weight. Her admiration for Jay shot up another notch. He may have fallen in a hole but it had taken a lot to put them there and he was now fighting to get out. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you.”

“It’s not your fault Erin.”

“I know but maybe if I’d been there.... I know how cases like this get to you.”

Jay placed his hand over hers and squeezed. 

“Is it because of Ben?” Erin asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

Jay felt his stomach roll and his skin heat up suddenly. He didn’t want to talk about this. He’d talk to her about anything, she could bring up any subject and he’d force himself to speak about it but not this. He couldn’t handle revisiting those memories on top of everything else going on in his head. 

He was shutting down. She could feel it. She wanted to back off, let it go but Erin had a sense they were on the edge of something important between them. He’d said he would talk. She wanted to prove that she could help him through anything. She remembered how Jay had got her to open up about her memory box in the hospital by sharing his first. She wondered if she did that now would he follow suit? 

“When I was almost fifteen my mom had this drug dealer. He use to come round pretty regular and when she didn’t have money to pay for the drugs she’d...” Erin shook her head. She didn’t want to think about the noises that came from the other room. She knew what sex was by then but what her mother did, what she allowed men to use her for, disgusted her. “Anyway one night he got pissed and knocked her around because she didn’t have any money and she said no to sex for once. He got it in his head that he was gonna get his payment one way or another. So he set his sights on me. I was pretty scrawny back then and he was a big man. I fought pretty hard but he overpowered me, broke my arm, some ribs.” Erin subconsciously rubbed her left forearm where the cast had been all those years ago. “I knew what he was gonna do and I knew when he was done I was dead. Bunny.... I don’t even know where she was..... I remember the exact moment when I realized I was dead, that I had no hope of fighting him off, so... I stopped fighting. I stared up at the ceiling just praying it would end quickly, just trying to make my mind go somewhere else, anywhere else. But then he stopped moving and I was being suffocated by his weight. Then the next second his body disappeared from on top of me. I guess the neighbours must have heard the racket and called the cops. It was Voight and his partner who responded. That’s the night I met him. He busted in and shot him, I don’t even remember hearing the gun shots, I just remember Hank pulling his dead body off of me and then sitting with me on the ambulance ride to the hospital. He saved my life.”

“Did he, did the dealer..”

“No, no... Hank got there just in time but... whenever we deal with rapist, especially when it’s young girls, I, I remember what it felt like, to be that powerless and the way my skin crawled when he touched me. And I want to make it right for those girls you know? I think about Karen and Nadia and what Annie went through and all the other girls who didn’t have someone come to their rescue like I did. And I need to help them get passed it, get some power back. I need to get pay back for them. Anyway I can.”

Erin waited a moment to build up her courage for her next question. Jay still felt tense under her hand but she’d come this far, they’d come this far. She had to try. 

“Did something happen Jay? Maybe when you were younger? Is that why you have such a hard time with these cases?”


	86. 86

He knew what she had done. He remembered doing it to her, on her birthday in the hospital. He’d thought he was supporting her then, trying to show her that he trusted her and she could trust him to help her get through everything she’d been dealing with. But this didn’t feel like support. It felt like manipulation. Jay’s defence mechanism was to get angry at her, deflect her, push her away. 

He didn’t want to talk about this. 

He was about to tell her so but he made the mistake of looking at her face. He didn’t see pity. He didn’t even see empathy. What he saw was hope. And it was the hope that killed his fire. 

He couldn’t do it. 

He couldn’t push her away from him after he’d practically begged her to let him prove himself. But how? How did he tell her something he wouldn’t even let himself think about?

“Jay,” she whispered. “It’s okay. If you’re not ready. If it’s too much right now. I get it. Just say so. It’s alright.” He didn’t realize his breathing had become shallow and erratic until he felt Erin’s hand resting over his heart while the other one cupped his face. He would not have a panic attack in front of her. Talking to her was one thing but this, this he would not let happen. He didn’t want her, of all people, to see him like this. 

“Jay,” she said again quietly. He closed his eyes and focused on her touch, letting it do what it always did. A few slow breaths later he felt his control returning. He decided then he needed to try and make her understand. He didn’t want her thinking the worst. He didn’t want her seeing him like that, like a victim. 

“It’s not...” Jay began, then cleared his throat. “It’s not what you think. I wasn’t...” he shook his head. Come on Jay, he scolded himself, just get it out. “What happened to Ben, those boys last week, that didn’t happen to me. Not like that. But you’re right. What happened to Ben is part of it. And,” his throat tightened and he couldn’t swallow. Jay closed his eyes. 

He felt the old rage rising. He’d been such an angry teenager. He’d picked fights with anyone who teased or bullied him and spent hours brooding in his room. In part because of what happened with that coach, because of what happened, or rather didn’t happen, with his dad afterwards. It made him angry now thinking about his dad. “I do know what it feels to be powerless. To feel weak. The way you wish you could rip your skin off when someone who shouldn’t touch you does. And I know what it feels like to not have anyone you can go to for help. Feeling like that, it makes me angry. So angry.” 

Erin could understand this. Jay was a strong man, both physically and mentally. He was smart and resourceful and she’s yet to be in a dangerous situation where she didn’t feel safe with him at her side. He was confident to the point of cocky at times. She could see how having that strength and confidence stripped from him these last weeks would be frustrating and humiliating for him. She wondered if his sense of helplessness as a kid lead to his decision to join the army, somewhere he could learn to focus his rage and at least become physical equipped to handle whatever was thrown at him. She pushed that idea away for now and just focused on listening to Jay. 

He took another breath. It was like a bandaid he supposed. Better to rip it off fast, better to get it all out in one go. “So I was at his house, the coach. My parents couldn’t make the practice and he’d offered to pick me up then bring me back home. On the way home he’d told me all about a new gaming system his son had got and suggested we stop by so I could check it out. I was pretty excited, my dad thought video games were a waste of money and I didn’t have many, so I agreed. Anyway he let me mess around for a bit and then, I don’t really know how it happened but he was telling me what a great player I was and how he could help me get even better. I remember he was standing too close, you know? I got goosebumps up and down my arms and the back of my neck. He put his hand on my shoulder while he spoke. His hands were huge. That’s what I remember most. How big his hands were. His grip was too tight. Then,” Jay swallowed hard and cleared his throat again. “Then he reached down to touch me. I felt...” Jay trailed off. Erin didn’t push. She had a pretty good idea what he felt. “My stomach heaved. I tried to pull away but his hands were so big. I couldn’t stop the retching and I threw up... all over him.”

“Bastard deserved it,” Erin muttered under her breath. 

“He flipped out, it grossed him out.” Jay continued, not really hearing Erin. “When he let go of my shoulder I took off and didn’t stop running till I was inside my house.”

“Did you tell anyone?”

“I tried. I told my dad I didn’t want to play anymore. He just freaked out. Went on about the money he’d spent and how I was just being a sissy. I tried to tell him the coach made me uncomfortable. He laughed at me. I was too ashamed to say what really happened. He wouldn’t have believed me anyway.”

Erin nodded. What young boy wouldn’t feel like that. 

“I tried to fake sick the next game but dad dragged me out of bed and drove me down to the game. He told me he didn’t want to hear anymore about it. I was playing and that was that. I could feel the coach’s eyes on me the whole time. I was scared,” Jay confessed, embarrassed to admit it. Erin squeezed his hand but said nothing. She didn’t want to make him even more self conscious. “I skipped a couple practices but dad found out I had been lying about going. Punishment for that in our house was the belt.”

Erin cringed. She didn’t like the image of her Jay as a little boy getting hit by his father. Her distain for the man grew. “What about your mom?” The few times Jay or Will had spoke of their mom it had been with respect and obvious love. Erin couldn’t imagine she would have turned a blind eye to what was going on. 

“I couldn’t talk to her. I was too ashamed. And she couldn’t have gotten me out of playing anyway. Once dad put his foot down that was it. She wouldn’t cross him. But she did start taking me to every game and practice and driving me home too. She knew something was up I guess. Dad gave her shit for that. Said she was babying me. But I was grateful for it. I never had to be alone with the coach again. But I kick myself now Erin. I couldn’t have been the only one. I should have done something to stop him.”

“Jay, you were just a kid.”

Jay shook his head. “I should have done something.” And Erin could see it now. That this was the part that haunted Jay the most. Not that the coach had touched him but that Jay somehow expected he should have been able to stop the coach from hurting others. That’s what fueled him whenever a case like this came up. Jay needed to do whatever was necessary protect those kids, the Ben’s of the world. It killed him that he didn’t protect the other kids his coach could have hurt. It was why he lost his edge when he couldn’t protect kids now as a cop. She sat holding his hand, stroking her thumb over his knuckles, while she thought about all this. 

She put all the different pieces of what Jay had going on in his head together. His time in the army and the demons and guilt he carried. His strained and unhealthy relationship with his father. The incident with the coach, another layer of guilt he carried, and how it related to the case he’d been tossed off of and their situation with Lily. There was no doubt Lily had been abused in some way. She was having nightmares just like Jay, likely further triggering his own awful memories. Each night she cried out Jay was suffering with her. He was feeling her pain and feeling helpless to protect her from it. It was all clear now how everything had layered on his shoulders and pulled him under. 

Erin felt the sharp pain of regret. She should have done better, been less selfish. She should have known to support him better. She gave her head a small shake. She couldn’t go back and change what had already happened. She’d just have to make damn sure her partner had the support he needed now, from her. 

“Erin,” Jay whispered hoarsely. 

“Yeah?”

“Stop thinking so much and come lay down with me.” He chided, tugging on her arm gently. 

Erin smiled. God he knew her so well. She scooter down the bed and lay her head on his chest. Jay wrapped his arms around her tightly. Erin wondered if she should say something to acknowledge what Jay had just shared with her but the silence stretched out between them. 

“The guy that runs the group, Miguel, he thinks I need therapy,” Jay offered offhandedly into the dark sometime later. 

“What do you think?” Erin replied, thankful Jay didn’t seem to misinterpret her long silence. 

“I think I just need to fall asleep with you in my arms every night.”

Erin hummed in agreement. She wasn’t too keen on therapy herself so she didn’t blame him. Plus it felt good to know he wanted her here. And she wouldn’t kid herself, falling asleep curled up to Jay was one of her favourite things. She could do this. She could be the support he needed to get through everything. “I can live with that. I just have one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“You keep talking to me.”

“Deal. Now be quiet. I’m trying to sleep.” He added with a playful squeeze. Erin smiled again and she snuggled into a more comfortable position against Jay. She had one last thought as she drifted off to sleep. 

They were going to be alright.


	87. 87

A week later the bullpen was anything but quiet when Hank announced Mouse would be rejoining the team within the hour, all charges against him having been dropped. The whoops of excitement echoed through the district. They’d caught up with Bunny’s boyfriend and Hank had muscled a confession out of him. Erin didn’t know how coerced it was and she wasn’t going to feel bad about not asking either. The fact was he was a dangerous drug dealer they were getting off the street, she’d take the win. 

Things were more settled at home this week too. Jay had returned to work, relieved to be back in his normal routine. He’d cut down going to meetings to once a week with the busier schedule but he had opened up some more about what was going on in his head to Erin. He’d often wait until they were settled in bed. He seemed more comfortable talking in the quiet darkness of their room while she lay in his arms. While Erin hated he was in pain, she savoured their talks. They’d broken through another wall in their relationship and were closer and stronger for it. 

The past weekend had been the complete opposite of the one prior. They’d caught Lily looking longingly out the window as it snowed Saturday morning and decided she needed to get out and be a normal kid for a bit. So they’d all bundled up and headed out to the park Jay grew up tobogganing at. Lily was reserved at first, her usual reaction to new situations, but they soon had her squealing with delight as they took turns shooting down the hill with her. 

They’d built a family of snowmen before Erin had cheekily nailed Jay wth a snowball to the side of his head. For Jay it meant game on and he quickly fired off several snow balls in Erin’s direction. They ducked and weaved taking shots at each other and laughed freely as they chased each other around the snowy park, eventually ending up rolling over each other on the ground trying to stuff snow down each other’s backs. 

Erin managed to momentarily get the upper hand and sat straddling Jay’s lap trying to catch her breath before she began her next snow assault. Out of nowhere Jay’s face was hit with and explosion of snow, shocking them both. Their heads pivoted rapidly in the direction the snow had come from. Lily stood not three feet from them the smug smile on her face rapidly deteriorating into guilt then fear. Erin looked back at Jay. He had snow in his hair, covering his eye lashes and up his nose. She couldn’t help but laugh heartily at how ridiculous he looked. Still stunned from the cold assault he’d just endured, it was easy to pin him down. 

“Quick Lily, get him again,” Erin called excitedly as she held down Jay’s arms. 

It was his instinct to fight her off and protect himself but Jay had seen the joy on Lily’s face at her completely impulsive and childlike attempt to join in the fun. He also saw that joy vanish when she’d realized what she’d done and thought she was going to get in trouble. So Jay let Erin hold him down, putting up a mild effort to appear like he was struggling while Erin egged Lily on. He watched as Lily processed the situation, working through that she in fact was not in trouble for her antics. After a beat she bent and scooped more snow into her hands and, with Erin’s continued encouragement, dumped it on his face. He let Lily get two more shots in, enjoying the sound of her laughter, before he couldn’t take the cold snow dripping down his neck anymore and flipped Erin over, giving her a small dose of her own medicine. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Lily dance, laugh and shout around them as she tried to cover Jay in as much snow as possible while he assaulted Erin. 

He didn’t want the moment to ever end. It was the first time they’d seen real joy in Lily’s eyes. It was amazing to see her acting like a little kid. Lily loaded her arms up with another load of snow to dump on Jay. On an impulse Jay reached out and snaked his arm around Lily. 

“Oh no you don’t munchkin,” he laughed and gently plopped her down in the snow half on top of Erin. 

She squealed with delight. He began burying his two girls in snow, careful not to get any on Lily’s face, as they laughed and chucked snow up at him. He called a truce a few minutes later worried Lily would get too cold and wet if they carried on much longer and plopped down beside them. Lily and Erin cheered in victory. Jay let them have it. The look of happiness on Lily’s face was more than worth letting them think they’d won. 

They’d wrapped up the outing with hot chocolate and treats from a local bakery. Lily’s eyes had practically popped out of her head when she took in the long rows of fresh pastries in the glass display. They told her to pick out whatever she wanted and after long and thoughtful consideration she’d settled on a bear shaped cookie. Jay chuckled as he watched her face morph with pleasure as she enjoyed every last morsel of it. It matched Erin’s face perfectly as she savoured the chocolate covered macaroons she’d picked out for herself. His girls loved their food. 

It had been just what he needed, what they all needed really. So much of their short time with Lily had been focused on her illness and how to help her deal with her trauma, they hadn’t really had a chance to do any of the normal and fun things with her. Today gave Jay a glimpse into their future. Sure there were still lots of hurdles to get over but for the first time he could see how good things were going to be for the three of them. He could get through his past and be happy again. Lily would grow and thrive with them and they could be the loving family Erin deserved and needed. 

/

With Bunny gone her petition to gain custody of Lily was mute. Ryan had expedited Erin and Jay’s own petition and two days after Greg was back with the team Erin’s phone rang with the call they’d been waiting on. 

“Erin?”

“Hey Ryan, how are you?”

“I’m good. Are you sitting down?”

Oh God, she though, what drama could be coming now. “Please don’t give me any bad news.”

Ryan hesitated a moment, thrown by the weariness in her voice. “Well I don’t think it’s bad news. Unless you’ve changed your mind about wanting Lily?”

“No, no of course not. What’s going on?”

“The judge set a date. He’s going to make his final ruling on your petition Thursday. Erin, it looks good. Really good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I spoke with his clerk, she may have given me a bit of heads up on what was in the DCSF and physiologist reports.” Erin smiled with a soft roll of her eyes. She had no doubt Ryan had charmed the clerk into spilling what she knew. Charm seemed to be a common Halstead trait. “They all recommend you and Jay get custody Erin.” He announced with enthusiasm. 

“They do?”

Ryan chuckled. “You sound surprised.”

“I, yeah I guess I was expecting, I don’t know maybe to have to do more,” she trailed off. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting. She’d been too scared to hope for the best. 

“I think you guys have jumped through enough hoops on this one,” he reassured. “Listen I have to go but I’ll be catching a flight out tomorrow afternoon. And then we have to be at the court house nine am sharp the next morning. You think you guys can swing that?”

“Yeah of course. We’ll be there.” 

“Okay, see you tomorrow then,” Ryan finished before hanging up. Erin set down her phone and stared at nothing, processing the news, as Jay walked in the bullpen from the interrogation room. 

“This guys an idiot. He really expects us to believe he wasn’t at the pawn shop when we’ve got security footage with him all over it,” Jay mused with a shake of his head before stopping dead in his tracks. Erin’s face was pale, her eyes unfocused. He set the file down on his desk and came round to her side, squatting down so he was eye level with her. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“What?” She snapped out of her daze. “Oh nothing. Nothings wrong.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” Erin shook herself out of her daze. “Yeah. I just hung up with Ryan. He’s flying out tomorrow and we have to be in court nine am Thursday. The judge is going to rule on Lily’s custody case.”

“You’re worried,” Jay tried to guess. 

“No, no Ryan said it’s a done deal, we should get custody no problem.”

“Good.” Jay nodded and gripped Erin’s shoulder gently. “That’s a good thing.”

“Yeah, it is.” She said unconvincingly. 

“Then why don’t you look happy?”

“I am. I just,” she blew out a breath. “This is huge. Are we... are we ready for this?”

“Absolutely.” Jay answered immediately with confidence, thinking back to their weekend. 

“You’re so sure all of the sudden, what happened to being scared?” Erin observed. 

“Show me a set of new parents that aren’t scared shirtless Erin. We got this,” he reassured with a wink and his signature smile before standing back up and walking back to his desk. 

Erin shook her head with a small smile of her own. That smile of his never failed to affect her. It was nice to see him smile like that again. She wasn’t one hundred percent sure Jay totally believed his own words given his recent confessions but for now she was going to let herself try to believe them. 

/

Of course Aunt Helen went to town with dinner plans the next night knowing her eldest son was coming home. Will somehow got wind she was cooking up a storm and invited himself over for dinner too. This meant Erin spent the evening listening to the three Halstead boys tease each other mercilessly. She couldn’t have been happier. The playful banter kept her from worrying about their court hearing in the morning and frankly she was enjoying Ryan and Will’s innocent flirting with her. She knew they were only doing it to get a rise out of Jay and he’d fallen for the bait hook, line and sinker. But what she enjoyed most about the impromptu dinner party was watching Lily watch the men goof off and laugh freely. More than once Lily had let out a little giggle at their antics. Erin could have kissed them all, helping her girl to see that some men were good, trustworthy and loving. 

Her girl. 

Erin’s tummy fluttered. By this time tomorrow it would be official. She’d legally be Lily’s mother. The thought didn’t scare her quite as much as it did in the beginning. She just hoped her sister would be happy with the life they were offering Lily. 

“So when are you gonna make me break out my monkey suit?” Ryan asked Erin. 

“Like you don’t wear a suit to work every damn day,” Will pointed out with a roll of the eyes. 

“Watch your language or there won’t be any pie for you,” Aunt Helen scolded. 

“Yes ma’am, sorry,” Will apologized, over exaggerating the remorse on his face. 

Jay snorted. “Kiss up.”

“Oh you’re just bitter because Erin won’t answer the question. She’s finally realized she’s got better options then you,” Will teased. 

“You know Will’s got a point,” Ryan joined in. “It’s not too late to change your mind. I mean now that you’ve seen what the rest of the family tree had to offer no one would blame you if you wanted to throw him back.” 

Erin couldn’t help but laugh at the glare Jay sent across the table to his cousin. 

“Boys that’s enough. If Erin had any sense she’d toss the whole lot of you in the river for the way you’ve been behaving this evening.” Aunt Helen scolded again. But there was no bite to her words. 

“What us? Come on Aunt Helen, you know we’re perfect gentlemen.” Will tried to charm her. 

Helen hummed knowingly to herself as she ate the last mouthful of her dinner. “The only thing I know is there won’t be any pie for the three of you if you don’t get to clearing the table and loading the dishwasher.” 

The boys reluctantly took their cue and mumbled their displeasure under their breaths as they tidied up the dinner mess. 

Helen shook her head at their complaints. “Same way they acted when they were boys. You’d think I’d sent them to the depths of hell.”

Erin laughed. “Jay’s actually quite good at cleaning up, far better then I am anyway.” She regretted the words immediately. Ryan and Will pounced on them, teasing Jay’s about how he should retire from the force and be a full time house husband. Erin gave Jay an apologetic smile in response to his glare. 

After a minute Helen intervened again. “Enough of the gibber gabber. Get the kitchen cleaned or only the girls get pie.”

The reminder of their reward refocused them instantly and Erin was impressed with how quickly her kitchen became spotless. 

Coffee and pie made its way onto the dining table. “But seriously Erin, any plans for a wedding yet?” Ryan asked returning to his earlier question. 

“Umm, not specifically. We wanted to get Lily settled in first and deal with all that legal stuff.” 

He nodded thoughtfully. “Makes sense.”

“What no come back for Erin?” Jay asked sarcastically between bites of pie. 

“Oh don’t be so sensitive Jay. She’ll marry you one of these days. It’s obvious to anyone the girl adores you, although Will you might want to get her a head scan or something because I can’t understand why,” Ryan chuckled and dodged the napkin Jay tossed at him. 

“No seriously, I was just curious.” Ryan said to Erin. He hadn’t meant to bring up something that made her uncomfortable. 

“You looking for a reason to spend more time in Chicago?” Will egged Ryan on. “Maybe a certain clerk who works for a certain judge?”

Ryan paled then shot Will a dirty look. 

Helen’s ears perked up. 

“That would be completely unprofessional and inappropriate. I wouldn’t put my case, your brother’s case, at risk like that,” Ryan said pointedly. 

“Right,” Will laughed. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t go after her once the case is settled.”

Ryan made a face and everyone laughed. 

“Come on man you couldn’t stop talking about her when we went out for beers last time you were in town.” Will continued to tease. 

“How are things going with that pregnant doctor lady you were pining over?” Ryan deflected. 

“Oh she’s not pregnant anymore,” Erin piped in helpfully, enjoying the way Will squirmed with the heat on him in front of his Aunt. “She had the baby ages ago. Will’s still pretty hung up on her though.” Erin could only laugh at the face Will shot her. Jay chuckled too and slid his hand onto Erin’s thigh. 

Aunt Helen shook her head. They really all were too much but she had to admit she enjoyed every second she got to spend with them. 

“Have you though about what kind of wedding you’d like dear?” Helen asked, putting an end to the discussion of the boys love lives before she learned things she didn’t want to know. 

“Sort of. I’m not really a centre of attention kinda girl. And I don’t want to spend a lot of money or fuss. I think Jay agrees on that,” she said looking to him for confirmation. Jay nodded his agreement. “Just something simple you know?”

“Your wedding day is an important event for your marriage,” Helen offered, disappointed Erin didn’t seem more excited about it. 

“I know. I want it to be special I just don’t want all the...” Erin waved her hands in the air not sure what word she was looking for. 

“Drama?”

“Stress?”

“Insanity?” Ryan and Will offered helpfully. 

“Exactly,” Erin agreed with a laugh. It was clear neither men were in a hurry to get down the isle themselves. “Just something small and simple with the people we love.”

“Do I get to come?” Lily asked. Her question surprised the table. They’d almost forgotten she was there she’d been sitting so quietly eating her dessert.

“Of course sweetheart.”

“Can I wear a pretty dress?”

“Absolutely!” Helen exclaimed as Erin nodded. “You’ll get to pick out the prettiest dress ever!”

Lily looked to Erin for confirmation and she nodded her agreement. It hadn’t occurred to her that their wedding would interest Lily. “Do you like weddings?” 

Lily nodded. “I like that show Aunt Helen watches in the afternoon when I get tired.”

“Say yes to the dress,” Helen confessed with a slight blush on her cheeks. The boys were careful to cover their smiles and snickers. 

“Are you going to wear a pretty white dress like on the show?” Lily asked. 

“Sure,” Erin shrugged. She had assumed she would but wasn’t overly excited about the idea of trying on dresses. She just wasn’t girly like that. “Would you like to help me pick it out?” 

Lily’s eyes got huge. “Can I?” 

Erin laughed. “Of course sweetie. I’d love that. Maybe you can help me with some other parts of the wedding too?” 

Lily nodded enthusiastically. Erin was amused at how excited Lily became talking about the wedding. She wondered what people would say if she just let the little girl plan the whole thing. It would certainly take the pressure of Erin. 

“Can we get married by the water? Those ones are the prettiest,” Lily declared. 

“Oh the cabin,” Helen chimed in. “It’s on the water. It’s so pretty up there in the summer. Have you been?”

Erin nodded. “A few times yes.”

“Now there’s a wedding I can get into,” Ryan added. “A weekend of fishing and hunting up at the cabin. Sign me up!”

“I’m in too,” Will agreed. 

“It’s not a bad idea actually,” Jay mused. 

“No.” Helen said firmly. “It’s a wedding not a boys camp out. There will be no hunting or fishing.”

The boys pouted. Erin felt bad for them. And honestly she kinda liked the idea of a wedding at the cabin. “Well it wouldn’t be so bad would it? If they had a couple days to camp out before the wedding?” 

Three sets of beautiful Halstead eyes turned to look at her with hope and excitement. For a moment Erin felt as if she’d just declared world peace. 

Helen shrugged. “It’s your wedding dear. Whatever you want we’ll make it happen.” She said sincerely. 

Erin nodded. She’d had about as much wedding talk as she could take for one night. “We can talk about it more later. Lily we need to get you in the tub and off to bed.” As obediently as usual Lily carried her dessert plate to the counter and headed down the hall. No one missed the skip in her step that hadn’t ever been there before. 

/

There was nervous energy coursing though everyone as they sat in the courtroom gallery waiting for Lily’s case to be called. Erin was surprised and touched that the entire Intelligence Unit has come for the hearing along with Will and Aunt Helen. Of course the psychologist, Lily’s doctor and Clara from DCFS were there in case the judge decided to call them for questioning before making his ruling. Erin was grateful Ryan had been able to coordinate with everyone to be here on short notice. 

Erin smiled up at Jay as he slipped his arm over her shoulder. He looked so handsome in his usual courtroom suit. It was tailored to fit him perfectly and the blue of his dress shirt emphasizes the depth of his eyes. Lily shifted between them. They sat protectively on each side of her trying to minimize her exposure to anything that might compromise her still weakened immune system. 

They had prepared her for today the best they could. It was unlikely the judge would call on her directly given her young age but they wanted her to understand what was happening to her and what the words permanent custody meant. She’d been excited when they told her it meant no one could take her from them and she’d get to live with them forever. She’d had time to better grasp that her real mother, Erin’s sister, had died and that she hadn’t been meant to be with Stacey. She’d started referring to Erin and Jay as aunt and uncle once she’d sorted it all out in her head. 

Lily had woken on her own early this morning and quietly dressed in her only dress, a Christmas gift from Annie. She was sitting trying to brush her hair when Erin came to wake her, surprised to see her already up and ready for the day. 

“Can you put these in my hair please, Aunt Erin?” She asked, holding up blue clips and elastics that matched the blue of her dress. 

Erin obliged. She was quickly realizing her niece had a taste for fashion and she made a note to take her shopping as soon as her doctor felt her immune system could handle being exposed to that many people. Most of her clothes had been bought out of necessity as she had nothing when they found her. Erin wasn’t particularly looking forward to a trip to the mall but she suspected Lily would love it. She wondered if she could get her friend Katelyn to tag along. She loved to clothes shop and figured she’d make the trip more enjoyable for Lily. 

Erin ran her fingers over the soft braids she’d put in Lily’s hair earlier this morning. There was a shine to her hair now and some colour to her skin. She’d put on a bit of weight too, much to Erin’s relief. Her doctors were hopeful she’d recover enough to start attending school in the next couple of months. Everything about Lily from her health to her behaviour was improving. Erin hoped it was enough to convince the judge they could keep her. She didn’t know what she would do if Lily didn’t go home with them forever today. 

The bailiff called their case and Erin pushed her fears and nervousness down as much as she could. Jay scooped up Lily and they, along with Ryan moved to the front of the court to face the judge.


	88. 88

Only a few chapters left to go! Hope you enjoy the final twists and of course the fluff. Thank you so much for all your reviews and notes. I feel very blessed xoxo 

/

Her new Mommy’s face had that look on it. The one she got when she was super quiet. Like she was thinking hard about something and trying not to let it worry her. Lily looked from her and up at her new Daddy. He looked down at her and smiled. She liked his smile. She liked the way his eyes looked when he smiled. They were blue. Blue like the painting of the ocean in the picture on her bedroom wall. Her new Mommy said her real Mommy painted that picture. She liked that blue. It made her feel happy. Like her new Daddy did when he smiled at her. 

He had stopped smiling for a little bit. He had stopped playing with her too. He had looked tired and sad and Lily thought she had made him sad. But he didn’t look like that much anymore. And he started to play with her again. She liked playing with him. He was funny and knew how to play the games she liked. He smiled lots when they played. Especially on the weekend when they played in the snow. That was really fun. She hoped they could play in the snow again. She was bored of having to stay in the house all the time because she was sick. Well except when Daddy played with her and made her smile. Then she had fun inside. 

He had smiled really big at her this morning when he saw her pretty dress. That made Lily feel special. He told her she was the prettiest little girl he’d ever seen and that he was the luckiest guy to have the most amazing girls ever. 

He called them that sometimes, her and her new Mommy. He called them his girls. It made Lily feel safe. It made Lily feel special because her new Daddy really liked her new Mommy. Lily could tell. He was always touching her in nice ways and doing nice things for her and making her laugh. And his eyes were very blue when he looked at Mommy. Very blue, happy eyes. So if he really liked Mommy when he called her his girl he must really like her too. 

Lily never saw her new Daddy hurt her new Mommy. Not even when they were playing in the snow. Mommy laughed and laughed then too. And he didn’t shout at Mommy and Mommy didn’t shout either. Lily didn’t like shouting. It hurt her ears. She remembered she was scared the first time she saw her new Daddy. He was so tall and he looked strong, stronger then the mean man who use to hurt her and her old Mommy. But she wasn’t scared of her new Daddy anymore. Mommy said that Daddy made her feel safe and that he would never hurt Lily. She believed Mommy. Mommy never lied to her. Mommy never got mad either. Not even when Lily did a bad thing and hid food in her bedroom or wet her bed. Mommy just hugged her and made her feel better. 

The best was when Mommy sang. Mommy had such a pretty voice and it made her forget all about her bad dreams and the bad people who hurt her. It made her forget about her old Mommy who made her stay in the dark basement by herself. Her new Mommy and Daddy didn’t have a basement. Lily was glad about that. 

Lily knew she shouldn’t call them Mommy and Daddy. Aunt Helen had said that Mommy and Daddy were her aunt and uncle. She didn’t know what those words meant but she felt silly telling Aunt Helen that. Aunt Helen was very smart. She always knew the answers to all her questions. But sometimes Lily felt like she asked too many questions and she didn’t want Aunt Helen to get tired of her and leave. Or hurt her. That’s what her old Mommy use to do. If Lily asked too many questions her old Mommy would hit her. And then she would leave. For a very very long time. Aunt Helen said that Lily should call them Aunt Erin and Uncle Jay. So that’s what she did. But in her head, where no one could hear, Lily called them Mommy and Daddy. Because they were just like the Mommy’s and Daddy’s on tv and she’d always wanted a Mommy and Daddy like that. 

Well today she was getting to keep them. Forever. At least that’s what Mommy had said but her face seemed like she wasn’t sure. 

Mommy touched her hair. She played with the pretty braids she put in her hair this morning. Lily didn’t like being touched but it was okay when Mommy and Daddy touched her. And Aunt Helen too. It felt nice when Mommy braided her hair. Or rubbed her back. And it felt nice when Daddy picked her up and carried her. She really hated when the doctors touched her, it always hurt. They said it was to make her feel better but it made her feel bad. Except Uncle Will. He was a doctor and he didn’t hurt her. He made her laugh. He had funny red hair and said lots of silly things. She liked the way he made Mommy and Daddy laugh too. 

Something was happening now. Mommy and Daddy were getting up. Daddy put out his arms to her and she was happy to be picked up. She didn’t like that bench. It was hard and hurt her bum. She tried to sit still and quiet like Aunt Helen told her to do today but it was so hard to sit still on that bench. Mommy and Daddy didn’t get mad though. Daddy was taking her to the front of the room with Mommy and Uncle Ryan. She had so many aunts and uncles now, whatever those words meant. It was hard to remember them all. But she did know that everyone she had to call aunt or uncle was nice to her. 

With her old Mommy she never saw any people. She didn’t have any aunts or uncles at her old Mommy’s house. Just the mean man who shouted and hurt them. He was very angry all the time. Lily was very lonely in the dark basement with no one to play with. Her old Mommy used to let her watch tv if Lily promised to be really really quiet, but then the mean man got really mad and broke it so Lily had to stay in the basement all the time. But now there were lots of people around. And Aunt Helen said soon she would go to school and learn and play with other girls and boys her age. Lily was worried about that. She wanted to play with other kids like the ones she saw at the park on the weekend but she was scared they might not like her. Lily had heard the doctors telling her new Mommy that she was small for her age and behind. Lily wasn’t sure what that meant but she was worried it would make the kids at school not like her and then she wouldn’t have anyone to play with. 

There was a man behind a big desk in front of them. Daddy said it was his job to make sure Lily was with safe grown ups. He was wearing all black. He looked like he had a black dress on. Lily thought that was funny. She’d never seen a boy wear a dress before. She didn’t think it was a pretty dress. Lily had on a pretty dress. It was her only dress. She put it on today so the man behind the desk could see that she was happy and a good girl for her new Mommy and Daddy. She liked this dress. It was her favourite colour and she liked the way it felt when she twirled around in it. Lily hoped one day she could have more pretty dresses. She was really happy that Mommy said she could have a pretty dress for the wedding. Lily was super excited she got to go to a real life wedding. She hoped it would be by the water. Lily really loved the water. She hoped Mommy and Daddy would let her go swimming. She’d never done that before but she bet it would be lots of fun. It looked like fun on tv. She would make sure to be extra good so they would let her. 

The man in the black dress was talking. Lily didn’t like his voice. It sounded hard, like the benches. Lily hid her face in Daddy’s neck and tried not to hear the man’s voice. She felt his arms tighten around her and he whispered nice things in her ear. He told her everything was okay. Lily believed Daddy. Daddy would keep her safe. Mommy said so. Lily peaked up and and she saw her new Papa Hank sitting on the hard benches behind Daddy. She felt bad he had to sit there. It probably hurt his bum too. Papa Hank winked at her and smiled. Lily wasn’t sure about Papa Hank. But Mommy said he wouldn’t hurt her either so she gave him a small smile back. 

Other people were talking now. Lily didn’t understand what they were talking about so she looked around the room. She didn’t like it. Everything looked brown and hard. If she made this room she would make it pretty and soft. She would paint it blue and orange and let everyone sit on soft pillows instead of hard benches. And she would give the man a pretty dress. A green one. The man looked like he might like green. 

Lily liked to play this game in her head. She liked to imagine the things she could make and all the pretty colours they could be. Her new Mommy said her real Mommy was a painter, they had lots of pretty pictures that she made. There were lots of pictures of the water. Lily wanted to be a painter too like her real Mommy. She hoped her new Mommy and Daddy would take her to the water and let her paint it too. She wasn’t brave enough to ask them yet though. Maybe if they had the wedding by the water Mommy would let her bring her colouring things. She’d promise to be really careful not to get any on her pretty dress. 

Lily jumped in surprise when the people around Papa Hank started to clap and cheer. It was loud and a bit scary. She looked for her Mommy. Mommy was crying. Lily got really scared. Why was Mommy crying? She didn’t want her new Mommy to cry. Lily wondered if she did something wrong. Maybe the man at the big desk didn’t want Mommy and Daddy to keep her after all. But she felt safe with them. Lily wanted to tell the man he was wrong, Mommy and Daddy were safe people. Lily started to cry. Lily looked at Mommy again. She was crying but she was also smiling. And Daddy was squeezing her and Mommy really tight. How could Mommy be crying and smiling at the same time? Lily didn’t understand. 

Mommy put out her arms and Lily jumped into them. She hugged Mommy tightly. She didn’t want Mommy to cry. She had to make it all better. Please don’t cry Mommy, please don’t cry, Lily said in her head over and over again. Mommy pushed Lily’s head up and looked at her. 

“Hey sweetie why are you crying?” Mommy asked. 

“Because you’re sad,” Lily answered. 

“Oh baby I’m not sad.” 

“You’re not?” Lily was really confused now. Why was Mommy crying if she wasn’t sad? 

“No sweetie I’m happy. Very happy. Do you want to know why?” 

Lily nodded, she was very confused. You weren’t supposed to cry when you were happy were you? 

“Because its all done. Just like we said. You’re ours now. Ours to keep.” 

“Forever?” 

“Forever.” Daddy said. He put his hand on her back. It felt warm. Lily stopped crying. The man behind the desk didn’t make a mistake after all. He knew Mommy and Daddy were safe people. 

Lily felt light. Lily felt like she could fly. She thought maybe if she put out her arms she might be able to float she felt so light. 

Mommy kissed her face where the tears were. “Does that make you happy?”   
Mommy asked. 

Didn’t she know? Didn’t Mommy know how happy she was that she got to stay with them? That she never had to go to any scary dark basements again? Lily nodded her head up and down lots of times. She gave Mommy her biggest smile. Mommy liked that. Mommy smiled back. Mommy gave her another hug. 

“I love you Lily. So so much,” Mommy said in her ear. 

“I love you, Mommy,” Lily said back. Because she did. She did love her new Mommy and Daddy and now she could tell them because she got to live with them forever. 

/

They’d chanced it and taken Lily back to the district for a small celebration in the break room. Everyone in the unit knew the drill so they were careful not to get too close to Lily and risk exposing her to too many germs. But they’d been excited for their partners and wanted to welcome Lily to their family. They’d got a cake and balloons and showered Lily with presents. The festivities had tuckered Lily out pretty quickly and Helen had taken her home after she’d finished a small slice of cake. 

With Lily gone everyone quickly got back to work while Erin and Jay put the break room in order. They’d been overwhelmed by all the love and gifts their chosen family had bestowed on Lily. 

“How you feeling?” Jay asked softly. 

“Good, happy. Exhausted,” she laughed. Now that the stress of waiting was done Erin could feel just how tightly wound she’d been. 

“You were pretty emotional,” Jay teased lovingly, walking towards her. 

Erin had let the tears flow back in the courtroom. Her very public display of emotion had surprised everyone. Erin shrugged. She was a little embarrassed by her ugly crying fit but she figured she was entitled. 

“She called me Mommy.” Erin whispered, her throat tight with emotion again. 

“I heard, how do you feel about that?” Jay took Erin’s hand in his. 

“I, I don’t know. I mean it feels amazing that she said she loves us and that she feels that good with us but, I kinda feel like I’m taking something away from Shelby too you know?” 

Jay nodded, lacing his fingers through hers. “You didn’t ask her to call you that though Erin. She came up with it on her own. I think your sister would be happy knowing her little girl is somewhere safe now, with her family and being loved so much.” 

“Yeah? You think she’d be okay with it?” 

“I think she’d want Lily to be happy and feel like she belongs. She does Erin. She belongs to us now.” 

Erin blew out a breath. “That’s a pretty big deal.” 

“It is. It kinda feels good though, no?” 

“Yeah, it does,” she smiled up at him. “Scary but really good. I feel like,” Erin paused. How did she put this into words? “I feel like I’ve got that piece I’ve always been missing. I feel like I’ve got something I belong to, something that’s mine. I don’t know if that makes sense,” she laughed at herself dismissively. 

“It does,” Jay reassured her. Jay knew she loved the Voights and was grateful for all they’d done for her but this was different. Lily was her blood and up until now blood had always meant bad news for Erin. Now, now she had a family of her own. 

“Thank you. Thank you for helping me get that.” Erin said squeezing Jay’s hand. 

“Thank you for letting me be a part of it.” He gave her a quick hug and kiss, careful not to let things get too unprofessional at work, although he suspected their boss would cut them a bit of slack this morning. If Jay didn’t know any better he’d have sworn Voight was excited. He hadn’t acted any different then his usual stoic self but Jay overheard Voight refer to Lily as his granddaughter more than once in the last couple of hours. Jay released Erin and headed to the counter to finish tidying up. 

“These are pretty,” Jay commented about the flower arrangement on the counter. “You want them on your desk?” 

“Sure,” Erin agreed as she wrapped up the cake knowing their coworkers would polish it off later with some fresh coffee. “Who they from?” 

Jay fished out the card and read it. “Hun. Don’t know.” 

Erin shot him a questioning look before coming to take the card out of his hand to read herself. She looked down at the bold black printing and read. 

CONGRATULATIONS! I’LL BE SEEING Y’ALL VERY SOON.


	89. 89

Erin carried the vase of mostly dead flowers to the break room so she could toss them out and rinse out the vase. It was hard to believe two weeks had passed since Lily’s custody hearing. Things had been going really well for them, Erin was almost afraid to admit that for fear she’d jinx them and some new drama would plague them. 

Lily had only had three nightmares since the custody hearing. Last nights still weighed on Erin’s mind. No matter how many times they’d heard Lily wake with a scream it still shook both her and Jay to the core, making them bolt upright in bed. Each time she had to fight the now ingrained habit of reaching for her gun to defend against whatever had caused Lily to cry out in distress, even though she of course didn’t have it strapped to her side while sleeping in bed. 

Jay had admitted he had the same reaction when she’d said as much to him during one of their now common bedtime talks. They didn’t alway talk about heavy things as they snuggled in bed post love making, but they did try to take a few minutes to connect with each other in a way they couldn’t do at work or while spending time with Lily in the evenings. They were both feeling the positive affects of these talks, Jay feeling like he was getting back on even footing. 

Last nights nightmare marked another milestone for Lily with them. It was the first time she spoke about her dreams. While Erin was relieved Lily was finally starting to open up, her words made Erin’s blood boil. Lily hadn’t wet the bed last night so Erin and Jay sat on it snuggling Lily between them, rubbing her back and reassuring her that she was safe and it was only an dream. 

“But it was real Mommy. The mean man was real.” Lily insisted. 

Erin and Jay exchanged a look. They knew she referred to Christopher James, Stacey’s boyfriend, as the mean man. She had yet to say anything else about him or her experience living in that house to them directly. 

“He’s gone now baby he can’t hurt you anymore,” Erin reminded her. 

“But he did Mommy. He did hurt me.” Lily’s voice shook with quiet fear. 

“How sweetie? How did he hurt you?” Erin asked. She had little hope Lily would answer but Lily gave her the opening so she had to try. 

“The basement is so dark and cold. And I’m scared and hungry. I was just going up to get some food. But he saw me. The mean man saw me and he got angry. So angry. He’s yelling and it hurts my ears and I run away but he is faster than me and he catches me and he hits me and yells and yells,” she sobbed into Erin’s t-shirt. Erin pulled her closer and whispered soothingly to her trying to help her calm down. 

“Did this happen in your dream or in real life?” Jay asked gently once Erin was able to settle her. He wasn’t sure given how she seemed to switch back and forth between the past and present as she told her story. 

Erin could see the tightness in his jaw. She admired how soothing Jay was keeping his tone. She placed a hand on his knee, offering him quiet support despite her own anger towards Christopher. He gave it a squeeze to let her know he was okay. 

“Both,” Lily whispered in answer to Jay’s question. 

“And is this what all your bad dreams are about?” Jay asked carefully. 

Lily nodded. Jay closed his eyes and took a slow breath. He had to bury the rage he was feeling towards James for hurting their little girl. He couldn’t let it show in front of Lily. He needed to help her and his anger wouldn’t help anyone right now. Jay racked his brain for some words that would make things better for Lily. 

“I have bad dreams sometimes too,” Jay tried. “They can feel pretty real and scary.” 

Lily peaked up at Jay, she eyed him up and down. “But you’re so big and strong. Nothing can hurt you!” Lily exclaimed disbelievingly. 

Jay smiled gently at her. There were times being a parent made him feel like a super hero and other times like the most helpless man in the world. He felt like both right now. 

“You know what helps my nightmares go away?”

Lily shook her tired little head. 

“Talking to Mommy about them. She’s a really good listener. And when I talk about them I realize those things can’t hurt me anymore. And I also realize how lucky I am because I have so many good things now.”

“Like Mommy?” Lily guessed. 

“Umm hmm, and you.” Jay reminded her as he reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear. 

“And your big tv?” Lily guessed again. 

Erin couldn’t help but let out a laugh. It seemed Lily was beginning to understand men, at least the man in her life. 

“Yes,” Jay laughed. “And cheeseburgers!” He added hoping this game would continue to help Lily forget her nightmare. 

“And ice cream,” Lily said, starting to perk up. 

“Coffee,” Erin chimed in making Jay laugh. He knew in a couple hours she’d be drinking down an extra large cup to help deal with their lack of sleep tonight. 

“And kitties,” Lily said with a little bounce. 

“You like cats?” Jay asked trying not to sound put off by the idea. 

Lily nodded. “When I’m a grown up I’m going to have lots of cats!”

“Okay, oh I know Aunt Helen’s double fudge brownies!” Jay added enthusiastically. 

“Daddy snuck an extra one when Aunt Helen wasn’t looking,” Lily told Erin with a giggle. 

“Oh he did did he?” Erin laughed and raised an eyebrow at Jay. “You know what I love best?” She said mischievously. 

“What?” Lily asked with excitement. 

“Tickling Daddy,” she announced as she launched herself at Jay. They fell back on the bed, Lily let out a squeal then helped Erin tickle Jay while he squirmed. 

It only took him a moment to free himself and go after the girls. While he tried to hold Erin’s legs down from kicking out at him in response to his fingers tickling her ribs Lily tossed one pillow after another at him. Jay was impressed with the spunk she was starting to show. Each day she became stronger and more sure of herself. He couldn’t let her attack go unanswered, plus she had ratted him out about the brownie, so he scooped her up and tickled under her arms making her scream. But the sound was a joyful one. After a few more minutes of jostling around Erin called an end to their antics. It was three o’clock in the morning after all and they needed to get some more sleep in. They tucked Lily in with all her favourite stuffed animals and gave her extra hugs and kisses goodnight. 

“Erin?” Jay asked as they settled themselves back in their own bed. 

“Yeah,” she answered. 

“Please don’t let her have lots of cats when she grows up,” he begged. 

Erin was confused. What did it matter if Lily wanted pets when she was older. “Why?” 

“Because I don’t want our kid to grow up to be the crazy cat lady,” Jay said seriously. 

Erin shook her head and chuckled under her breath. 

She laughed again remembering how dead serious Jay’s expression was last night as she dumped the dead and crumbling flowers into the break room garbage can now. The card that was sent with the flowers separated from the bunch and fluttered to the ground. Erin bent to pick it up, glancing at it briefly. She was still curious who sent it. No one she’d seen or spoken to recently had mentioned sending the flowers. With a shrug she tossed the card into the can and took the vase to the sink. 

“Erin?” Platt called through the open break room doorway. 

“What’s up Sarg?”

“Messenger just delivered this for you,” Platt said passing Erin a small brown box. 

“Thanks,” She said turning it to read the label. It gave no clue as to who it was from or what was inside. 

“How’s the munchkin doing?”

“Good, really good. She loves the magic sand you got her.” 

Trudy smiled, pleased with herself. “Well tell her I said hello,” she said before heading back towards the stairs. 

“I will,” Erin assured her. “And thanks for bringing this up.”

Trudy kept walking but tossed Erin a wave over her shoulder. 

Erin headed to her desk and fished out her letter opener to cut through the packing tape on the small box. She slit the tape and pulled back the lid flaps. The box was filled with blue packing popcorn. Erin shifted it around with the butt end of her letter opener until it revealed a small object. She’d been a cop too long to risk putting her hand into a package she knew nothing about. The object was a translucent orange pill bottle with a white lid. The label came from a local pharmacy and she didn’t recognize the patient’s name but the prescription was for a heavy narcotic. It looked like there was a folded piece of paper inside the bottle along with a few pills. Erin’s senses tingled. She fished out her phone and snapped a picture of the box and bottle just in case it turned out to be some kind of evidence. Then she put on a pair of gloves. Her actions caught the eye of both Antonio and Kevin, the only other people in the bullpen. Everyone else was out on various cases. 

“What you got?” Antonio asked, coming towards her. 

“Not sure,” she admitted. 

“Umm, should we have the lab open that?” Kevin asked nervously as Erin picked up the bottle carefully with her glove clad hands. Antonio and Erin exchanged looks considered Kevin’s question. 

“Your call,” Antonio finally conceded deeming the risk to be pretty low. 

Erin shrugged and opened the bottle. Just as carefully, she she pulled out the paper and unfolded it. She froze reading the boldly written words. 

YOU DIDN’T TAKE THIS WHEN YOU PACKED UP YOUR MOTHER’S THINGS. DON’T YOU MISS HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL?

The words confused her at first, she wasn’t quite sure if the message was meant for her or someone connected to the patient the prescription was made out to. Her second thought was that the writing seemed oddly familiar. Recollection came quick on the heels of that thought. Erin placed the note on top of the open box and rushed to the break room. Thankfully no one else had been in there since she’d thrown out the flowers and the card was still at the top of the trash can. She picked it out with her still gloved hand and carried it back to her desk. Antonio had dawned his own pair of gloves by then and was examining the bottle and note. Erin showed him the card from the flowers. 

“Looks like a pretty good match,” he agreed, comparing the handwriting. “What the hell is going on?” He asked Erin. 

She didn’t know but she knew the good luck had been too good to last.


	90. 90

They switched into detective mode pretty quickly. Atwater grabbed an evidence bag and prepared the box, pill bottle and note for the lab. Antonio started checking into the patient name on the bottle and Erin called Hank to fill him in. If this bottle had come from Bunny’s apartment they’d want to go over any evidence and video homicide had collected to see if it could help them figure out who sent it. 

Jay felt his anxiety ratchet up a notch when he and Al got back from talking to a CI on another case and Erin filled them in on what was going on. No one came after his partner and got away with it. He was thankful the unit wasn’t currently working on a high profile case because it meant Hank was taking this as a threat against one of his officers and making it a priority. Jay immediately started checking into anyone she’d put away who had recently been released. He was sure someone had payback on their mind. He was also sure he’d do whatever it took to get his hands on whoever it was before they hurt Erin. 

“So the pill bottle had a partial print on it that was a match to Bunny’s right index finger.” Atwater filled the team in as they gathered in the bullpen for an update. 

“So the likelihood it came from her place is pretty high then.” Dawson deducted, sitting on the edge of his desk. 

“I can’t find any connection between her and the patient, Gabriel Ross. But Gabriel called the cops about a couple months ago. There was a break in entry at his home. I spoke with Gabriel, there’s a long list of things that were taken from the house, jewelry, money, prescription meds, mostly things that are easy to fence. The detectives investigating don’t have and suspects,” Ruzek said as he wrote the date of the robbery under a picture of the pill bottle on the board. 

“Bunny knew lots of shady people. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d bought pills like that still in the bottle.” Erin reminded them. 

“Agreed. I doubt the actual bottle is going to lead us to anything. I want to know how our mystery man got the bottle out of Bunny’s apartment and to Erin. And I want to know who he is.” Voight told everyone with a stern look. 

“I’m going over all the video homicide sent over now,” Mouse piped in. “And I’m already cross checking the finger prints from the crime scene to see what pops.”

“We have nothing to go on with the flowers. They were send two weeks ago and Platt was at the courthouse with us when they arrived. The uniform that filled in for her couldn’t remember anything helpful about who delivered them and there’s nothing in the card to indicate what shop they were purchased at.” Jay informed everyone from his own desk. 

“Platt was able to identify the messenger service that sent the box though and I’m heading out to talk to the guy now,” Al finally spoke up. 

“Good keep me up to speed,” Hank commanded as he turned to walk back into his office. 

Erin followed him inside and closed the door gently. “He knew I used Hank. Why else would he word the note like that. If he knows that...”

“As I told Halstead a few minutes ago I’m well aware of what the implications there are.” 

Erin bit the inside of her cheek. She wasn’t sure how she felt about Jay already being in here talking about this. She shook off her defensiveness. He was her partner. It was his job to have her back. But she did worry that if they didn’t figure this out quick this would send Jay back down a hole. She couldn’t let that happen. He’d been working so hard to face his demons and get back in control. 

“Just focus on finding out who this guy is,” Hank directed, letting her know he wasn’t going to entertain any more side talk on the matter. 

They spent the next day exhausting every lead but they were no further ahead then when the package arrived. That night a quadruple homicide had Hank paging Erin and Jay out of bed. With a high profile case to solve the mystery of the flowers and pill bottle were put on the back burner. But not before Hank gave Erin a sage warning. 

“Watch your back. And if anything, any little thing seems off I want to hear about it immediately.” 

Erin gave a solemn nod. She didn’t want to admit it, especially since it would put Jay even more on edge, but she was a little creeped out by the whole thing.

/

The next days were a bit of a blur to Erin. They hadn’t got much sleep but that was the norm when a high profile case came in. They’d worked most of the weekend meaning they hadn’t seen much of Lily so after breakfast Sunday morning they gave Lily carte blanche to choose their activity. Lily had missed them and the abundance of snuggles and affection she’d had since moving into their home so she suggested they stay home and play games and watch movies. 

The quiet afternoon was a godsend for Jay and Erin. Spending time with Lily was a far better distraction from the gruesomeness of their job then a night drinking at Molly’s had ever been. Although they still got out for a few hours a week to connect with their friends, the recent struggles they’d been through had changed their perspective and they were happy to spend their free time focusing on building their little family. 

While Jay prepared their dinner Erin joined Lily at the table where she sat colouring.  
“Did you draw that bird by yourself?” Erin asked looking over Lily’s shoulder. Lily was filling in the last section of the bird’s wing with a bright blue crayon. 

“Yup, yesterday but I didn’t have time to finish colouring it before Aunt Helen said it was bedtime.” She explained. 

Jay set down the tea towel he was drying his hands with and came to look. “It’s amazing Lily. You’re really talented.” He offered genuinely. Erin echoed him with her agreement. 

Lily beamed at the compliment. “I want to be a painter when I grow up,” she blurted out. 

“You do?” Erin asked with a smile. She wasn’t surprised in the least. Lily would colour and draw twenty four hours a day if they let her. 

“Yes. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay. You can be anything you want to be,” Jay reassured her. 

“I can?”

“Yes of course.” Erin agreed. 

“What did you want to be when you were little like me?” 

A huge smile spread across Jay’s face. “Superman!” He exclaimed proudly. Erin laughed. She remembered seeing a picture of him in one of the photo albums at the cabin. He was probably Lily’s age. He was wearing just his bathing suit trunks and had a towel tied around his neck. He stood hands on hips, chest puffed out. The summer sun had kissed his sink making his freckles pop and his hair was a mess of curls. She’d teased him mercilessly about how adorable he was. 

“What about you Mommy?” Lily asked, bringing her back to the present. 

She thought back to the brief time in her childhood she’d allowed herself to daydream about the future. She’d been Lily’s age. Erin hesitated. She was embarrassed to admit what she dreamt of as a little girl and she wasn’t looking forward to having Jay hold it over her head for the rest of her life, but she couldn’t lie to Lily. When Erin finally accepted she was going to be raising Lily it was the one promise she’d made herself. She promised no matter what she would never lie to Lily. Bunny had lied constantly, about everything under the sun, and Erin had huge trust issues in part because of it. She wouldn’t let that happen to Lily, not with everything she’d already been through. “A singer,” she finally admitted. 

“You have a really pretty voice,” Lily said with admiration. Erin wrinkled her nose. She smacked Jay’s arm when he couldn’t hide his chuckle. “You do Mommy. I like it when you sing to me. How come you didn’t become a singer?” 

Erin again paused. She couldn’t lie to Lily but she wasn’t sure the truth was something she should share here. She decided to tell as gentle a version of the truth as she could. “My dad didn’t like me singing so I guess it kind of made me feel like I wasn’t very good.”

“Did he get mad when you sang?”

“Yes,” Erin admitted carefully. 

“Did he hurt you?” Lily asked her eyes wide and serious. 

“Sometimes yes.” Erin said softly. 

“That happened to me too. With my old mommy and the mean man,” Lily admitted with a whisper. They were getting more of these tidbits from her. It killed Erin every time her niece spoke about it but it was clearly helping her to finally get it out. 

“You know Lily that’s not how it’s supposed to be with Mommy’s and Daddy’s. They’re not supposed to hurt you. They’re suppose to protect you and love you and help you make your dreams come true.”

“Like you and Daddy,” Lily pointed out. 

Erin nodded. Her heart warmed. It felt good to known Lily felt safe and loved with them. 

“Why did you become a police officer. It’s not like a singer at all. Was it so you could put people who hurt their kids in jail?” Lily asked. 

“Kind of yes. I wanted to help people and try to make things better and safer for people,” Erin struggled to simplify her reasons in a way Lily would understand. One day she might tell Lily what Hank had done for her and her desire not only to give back but also find justice for her city. 

“Superman is kinda like a police officer so you kinda did get to be what you wanted when you were little Daddy. Except for the flying part.” Lily observed. 

Jay chuckled and beamed with pride. It reminded Erin of the little boy with his chest puffed out in the picture. Erin rolled her eyes. Lily was doing too good a job boosting Jay’s already inflated ego. She’d have to work on that. 

“Do you like being a police office Mommy?”

“Yes very much,” Erin nodded. 

“So you’re not sad you didn’t get to be a singer?”

“No,” Erin laughed shaking her head. “I think things worked out for the best there.”

“Well you can sing to me anytime you want to. I like it. It makes me forget the bad stuff.”  
Erin placed a gentle kiss on Lily’s head. She really was a sweet girl. They sat watching Lily colour around her bird for a few moments before Jay got back up to check on dinner. 

A thought came to Erin. “You know I saw a poster for an art daycamp at the community centre for this summer. I think it was for kids your age. Would you like to go?” Erin watched the excitement spread across Lily’s face as she nodded. 

“Alright munchkin, time to wash up for dinner,” Jay called across the island. Erin helped her pack up her colouring supplies then Lily raced down the hall to the bathroom. Erin got up to help Jay set the table. 

“She’s right you know, you do have a pretty voice.” Jay tried his hardest for nonchalant. 

“Don’t start,” she warned. 

“What? I’m just saying,” he said innocently. 

“Not happening Halstead. And don’t even think about repeating what I told her to anyone or I’ll be getting a certain photo from the cabin and making copies to cover every square inch of the district with, Superman,” She warned before heading down the hall to put Lily’s things away. 

Jay laughed heartily. He knew Erin well enough to know the threat was real and she would likely back it up but he had always found her tenaciousness attractive. 

While he waited for the girls to return from the bathroom and join him for dinner Jay decided to sort through the mail on the end of the island. It had gone ignored the last few days while they worked crazy overtime. Jay sorted the junk from the bills. A plain white stamped envelope marked only with Erin’s name and their address made him pause. When she came into the room he handed it to her. She was about to set it aside to open after dinner but something in Jay’s expression told her she should do it now. 

She split the seal and pulled out the single folded white paper from inside. Unfolding it she could see it was a copy of a court document. She scanned the document. Three things caught her eye. Her father’s name, the document was to confirm he had completed his jail sentence, and the bold handwriting at the bottom. 

26 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO GO WITHOUT SEEING EACH OTHER. IT’S GOING TO BE QUITE THE FAMILY REUNION.


	91. 91

“So this is all coming from my dad?” Erin shook her head in disbelief. 

After opening the envelope Lily had come back in the room ready to eat. Knowing they couldn’t discuss it in front of her, they had to set it aside until after they put her to bed. While Erin finished tucking her in Jay had run down to the car to fish an evidence bag from the trunk. He’d be taking the letter to the lab on his way into work in the morning. He’d also snapped pictures of it and text them to Voight before they sat down to eat. The letter indicated Douglas Lindsay’s release date had been days before the pill bottle had shown up. And since they didn’t get weekend mail delivery Jay guess the letter had arrived at their apartment either Thursday or Friday, the only two days Helen had picked up their mail for them since they’d been working long hours. Voight had gotten back to Jay saying he’d find out where Douglas Lindsay was but he wanted Jay to keep a close eye on Erin. He didn’t have to worry about that. Jay had no plans of letting her out of his sight. 

“It appears that way,” Jay acquiesced. 

“But why? What could he want from me now? I haven’t seen or heard from him since that night with Shelby.” 

“I don’t know Erin. But when we find him you damn well better believe I’m gonna be asking him.” 

Erin placed her hand on Jay’s shoulder. She appreciated how much Jay loved her and his protective side but she didn’t want him getting worked up. She worried this nonsense was getting to him. Strangely, now that she knew it was her father causing all the trouble she wasn’t half as creeped out as she was initially. She was mad as hell though. He had another thing coming if that bastard though he could intimidate her like when she was a child. He had no clue how much time had changed her. She hoped when they did find him she’d get a few minutes alone with him. She had a few things to get off her mind. 

But they couldn’t find him. He’d left the federal prison in Pekin with a few hundred dollars in his pocket and as far as they could tell he had all but vanished after walking out the gate. The prison had sent over an updated picture of him. Erin was staring at it now. He had only a vague resemblance to the man that had once terrorized her, her mother and little sister. His hair was grey, his face marked with wrinkles and he looked like a man worn down from spending most of his adult life behind bars. Only his eyes were familiar. They still bore the same cold hard look she remembered. They used to scare her. Looking at the picture she was relieved none of that old fear resurfaced. It was hard to believe it was mere months ago she’d been afraid to tell Shelby’s story. 

But her relief was misplaced. Over the next few days Erin continued to receive disturbing mail. First her gloves, the ones she wore at work, were destroyed when she put pressure on the wound of a gun shot victim. Thankfully the teenage had survived but Erin had to toss the gloves, there was no way she’d get that much blood out of them. The next day a package arrived at work for her. It was a new pair of gloves, similar to the ones she’s just thrown out. And of course there was a note with the same boldly written handwriting. 

TO REPLACE THE ONES YOU LOST 

Jay had hit the roof. Not only did her father know where she lived but he was clearly watching her. How else could he have know about the gloves? Hank had put Al and Antonio back on the case. He refused to let Erin or Jay work on it directly seeing how worked up Jay was. Mouse poured over traffic cam footage and anything else he could get from the area the shooting had been in, trying to catch her father on tape. But there was nothing. 

They’d had an argument that night, Jay frustrated that Erin’s concern for him seemed to trump her fear of what her father might be up to. 

“I’m not minimizing it Jay. I know he’s up to no good. I let Hank post a unit outside the apartment, I don’t go anywhere without you or another member of the team. I’m being careful but Jay, I won’t let him ruin our lives. You’ve just been through hell. I won’t let him pull you back down.” 

Jay paced the floor massaging his forehead. 

“Jay you need to breathe,” Erin approached Jay like he was a caged animal. “We can’t let him make us go nuts. I’m not going to do anything stupid.” Erin put her hand on Jay’s arm and turned him to look at her. She held his gaze. “I’ve got too much to loose now,” she said softly. 

She watched him close his eyes and exhale a raged breath. He tugged her to him and held her close, burying his head in her hair. She rested against him listening to his breathing and heart rate calm down.

“I’m sorry, I just,” he began. 

“I know. It’s okay. I’d feel the same if it were you. But we’re not going to let anything bad happen. We got this, remember?”

He’d given her an attempt at a smile then and a slight nod before pulling her back in for a kiss. 

/

Her attempt to keep them both sane was shattered when she got in her car to head home the next night. It was a rare occasion she was alone, Jay having been stuck on a surveillance detail. She’d said her good nights to everyone in the bullpen, no one thinking there’d be an issue with her walking to a police station parking lot on her own. She climbed in the car and instantly went ridged. There sitting on the passenger seat was a photo. It was Lily and, judging from her outfit, it had been taken today when she and Helen had left the hospital from her check up. 

Of course there was a message taunting Erin across the bottom. 

SUCH A SWEET GIRL TOO BAD ALL Y’ALLS EFFORTS ARE FOR NOTHING 

Erin saw red. Deep blind rage red. She gripped the steering wheel and let out a frustrated scream. No way in hell would anyone touch her little girl. In her madness she jumped from the car. 

“Where are you, you son of a bitch,” she screamed into the cold parking lot, drawing her gun. She spun around, eyes scanning high and low. She was alone in the lot behind the roll up. A few cars were still parked there, mostly those of her teammates. “Show your damn face,” she screamed again. “I know you’re here,” She was met with silence. She continued to turn slow circles looking for her father’s hiding spot. But she saw nothing. 

Dawson and Atwater let themselves out the side door of the roll up. They were laughing and razing each other, happy to be calling it a day when their eyes fell on Erin. She had her gun drawn and was turning her head wildly around. “Lindsay? What’s going on?” Antonio called. He and Atwater drew their weapons and approached her quickly and carefully. 

“He’s here,” she bit out. “I know he’s here. He’s watching. He wanted to see me find it.” 

“Find what Lins?” Atwater asked. 

Erin motioned towards the open door of her car. Kevin found the picture and carefully pulled it out, cussing under his breath, and showed Antonio. 

Within moments they’d called Voight down and searched the lot and surrounding block but they found no evidence her father had been there. 

“He probably high tailed it out as soon as you got out of the car,” Antonio grumbled. 

“Agreed. Head home. I doubled the detail on your building. There’s an officer outside your front door and they checked Helen and Lily are safely inside. Al’s gonna relieve Jay on surveillance and meet you there,” Hank said. “Text me as soon as you get in.” 

Erin agreed and once again started out towards home. 

/

Erin’s knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. She kept trying to get herself to calm down, she couldn’t face Lily this wound up, but the anxiety and adrenaline just wouldn’t subside. She needed to get home and see for herself that Lily was safe. 

At the next red light Erin closed her eyes. Lily was safe, she promised herself. Hank had said so himself. And in less then five minutes she’d be snuggled in Erin’s arms. A few minutes after that Jay would be home. There was no way her father would hurt her little family. Erin took another breath and opened her eyes. The light changed and she pulled forward. A few more blocks and she’d be reunited with Lily. 

She cursed under her breath when she saw the city truck blocking the entrance to the parking garage. A man in an orange safety vest approached her car. “Evening ma’am,” he greeted her with chattering teeth. “You trying to get in here?” 

“Yeah this is my building. What’s going on?”

“A pipe broke, garage is flooded, we’re working on fixing it now but you’re gonna have to park on the street overnight.” 

Erin thanked the man and rolled up her window, cursing her luck. Of course something would delay her from getting up to Lily. She pulled forward passing the uniforms detailed to watch the front of her building and gave a small wave. There was no parking. She figured at least half her building must have been parked on the street for the night. Erin turned the corner and found a spot a block down. 

She cursed again, pulling her zipper up and beanie down, bracing for the cold evening air she’d have to deal with for the walk back to her building. She fired off a quick text to Jay letting him know where there was parking so he wouldn’t waste too much time hunting for a spot, then climbed out of the car. The wind slapped her face. She loved Chicago but in the throws of February’s subzero windchill she’d give her right arm for some sun and sand. 

She pulled her coat tighter around her and ducked her head down trying to keep her face out of the wind as she walked. She didn’t see the man in the hoodie coming towards her until it was too late to step out of his path. He too had his head down braced against the cold and their shoulders bumped, causing Erin to loose her balance momentarily and stumble backwards. Her apology died on her lips when the man raised a gun to her head. 

“Oh it’s no accident ma’am,” he drawled in a southern accent. “I got tired of writin all them fancy letters, figured it was bout time you and me meet in person.”

Erin took stock of the man in front of her. He was a little shorter than Jay, a little older than Hank and bulky in build. His hair was slicked back and his brown eyes bore into her with anger and contempt. 

They’d been looking for the wrong man all this time. 

It wasn’t her father that had been trying to get her attention. This man’s eyes had a wild look to them Erin had seen plenty of times before and she knew he wasn’t scared to use the gun he waved at her. He was braced for any sudden movement she might make. Erin would have to outwit him to get out of this. 

“You’re surprised to see me? What all them fancy detective skills of yours and you couldn’t figure out who your admire was.” He chuckled, a raspy sickening sound, pleased with his own joke. 

“What do you want?” Erin kept her voice even but her adrenaline was pumping. As he spoke her right hand inched slowly towards her hip. She had to be careful not to draw his attention to the gun still clipped to her side. 

“You think you can come down my parts and cause trouble an not expect I’d be paying y’all a visit?”

“You know you won’t get away with this,” Erin threatened. 

“Won’t I now?” He raised an eyebrow at her. 

A dog barked somewhere across the street, drawing his eyes across the road and Erin took the opportunity to grab for her gun but he was faster for his size than she anticipated and he spun back around just as she was raising it up. A flash of light illuminated his face as the crack of gun fire shattered the semi quiet of the dark street. 

The force of the bullet knocked Erin backwards and her head hit the wall behind her. Hot pain course through her as she sunk to the ground.


	92. 92

I’m sorry!!! Okay maybe not lol. You’re reactions to the last chapter were amazing. Thank you once again for all the love, your feedback feeds my soul! Xoxo

/

Stupid bitch!” Mike cursed her and kicked her gun away. 

Erin struggled to push herself up against the wall, the pain in her left shoulder was excruciating and her head throbbed where she’d hit it. If she could just get her vision to clear and get up she might have a shot at taking Mike down. 

They’d written him off, none of their contacts had found any trace of him. So they figured he’d burnt the motel in South Carolina down with his wife in it and gotten as far away from anything to do with Shelby as possible but apparently he’d headed north and had Erin in his sights. 

“I wasn’t ‘posed to shoot you here, not yet. I had some plans for us first. Fuck!” He yelled pacing in front of her. 

Erin used his distracted state to try and get more upright. 

“You ruined everything! You ruined my whole damn life you and your daddy!” Mike waved his gun at her. “Maybe I should just finish you off now. Come back for the pretty boy and little girl later. She’ll have to meet her pawpaw without you.” He frantically looked up and down the street to see if the cops outside Erin’s building were coming yet. He was sure they’d heard the gun fire. They’d be here any second. Mike drew a frustrated breath. “It’s gonna have to do. Dead here or dead in a day or two is still dead,” he tried to appease himself. Mike pointed his weapon at Erin again, his finger slowly squeezed down on the trigger. “Damn Lindsay’s ruined my life now I’m gonna end all yours!” 

The gunfire echoed off the surrounding buildings and Erin’s eyes shut tight anticipating the pain. But she felt nothing. She heard a thud then footsteps pounding towards her. Her eyes sprung open. 

“Erin?” Jay called frantically as he ran towards her, his gun trained on Mike who was lying in a heap on the ground. 

“Jay!” She called in surprise. She watched as he kicked Mike’s weapon away and checked for a pulse. 

“He’s dead,” Jay confirmed out loud then rushed to where Erin sat propped against the wall. She tried to stand again. “Don’t move. Don’t move baby. Let me see,” his voice was shaky and his hands moved quickly but carefully, pulling open her coat. “Shoulder wound. It’s bleeding pretty bad,” he said and removed his hat to press up against her wound. Two patrolmen rounded the corner just as Jay was about to radio for an ambulance and he barked orders at them. “Secure that weapon and call a bus! Erin stay with me, keep your eyes on me,” Jay ordered. 

She wanted to tell him to calm down and stop shouting at her, she was fine, but for some reason she couldn’t get her mouth to work. “Hey,” he called to her again. “Eyes open, eyes on me!” 

Her eyes refocused on Jay’s concerned face. She hadn’t realized she’d lost focus. He was yelling at someone else now and she again tried to tell him to calm down. He didn’t need to be getting so worked up. All the yelling was making her head hurt but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Nothing would. The last thing she remembered seeing was the colourful flashing lights of the approaching ambulance. 

/

Jay paced the hall, running his hands through his hair in frustration for the millionth time. He’d ridden in with her in the ambulance. Her vitals were good, but she was loosing blood fast. Will had greeted them at the ED door with a team and they’d wheeled her into an exam room. Not five minutes later they were taking her up to surgery. Will swore she was going to be okay. The bullet hadn’t done too much damage and once they fished it out and repaired the injured artery Will said she’d be as good as new. That had felt like hours ago. Jay didn’t understand what was taking so long if it was such a routine surgery. 

He needed to see her. 

Hold her. 

Feel her soft skin against his. 

He needed to know she was okay. 

He needed to tell her how much he loved her and how sorry he was he didn’t get there sooner. He should have been with her all along. He cursed Voight for sticking him on that surveillance assignment while Erin had a stalker on the loose. His heart raced and he wore a path in the cramped hallway. He clenched and unclenched his fists. Thank god she had text him where she had parked and he’d only been a few minutes behind her. He’d heard the gun shot as he was parallel parking several cars down the block from Erin’s and called it in. Then he’d headed towards the source of the sound. 

He almost lost his lunch when he saw Erin slumped on the side walk, thankfully still moving, and a large man frantically waving a gun over her. He crept close enough to get an effective shot off but far enough to stay out of sight. He’d cleared his head and as soon as he was sure he’d fired, one shot straight to the back of the head. He didn’t care who the asshole was, he’d put a bullet in Erin, he was going down. 

Jay still didn’t care who he was. He was leaving all that to the rest of the unit to deal with. He knew at some point he’d have to deal with the brass but all he cared about was Erin and why it was taking so damn long for them to come out and tell him she was okay. 

“Jay take it easy man,” Will said coming up beside him and putting his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “You’re gonna pass out if you keep panting like that.” 

Jay swung around on his brother, “What’s taking so long?” 

“It takes as long as it takes Jay. She’s gonna be okay,” Will reassured him. “You need to sit down buddy I’m a bit worried about you right now.”

“I need to be there Will, when she wakes up, I need...”

“I know, you will be. And I warned them about pain meds already, they’ll only use what’s necessary for surgery. Now please sit down.”

Jay paced over to a chair and sat down hard. He dropped his elbows on his knees and that’s when he noticed his hands shaking. Shit. He ran his hands through his tousled hair and tried to calm his breathing. Hell if he’d have a panic attack right now. He had been weeks without one. He couldn’t let Erin down like that. He had to pull his shit together and be there for her. An image of her slumped on the cold sidewalk against the building filled his head. She’d passed out just as the ambulance pulled up. It had been the most horrifying moment of his life. Jay took a shaky breath and tried to clear his head. Will said she’d be okay. He had to focus on that now. 

Will sat down beside him. Jay felt Will’s hand rest on his back. He didn’t speak, which Jay was thankful for, but the contact was welcome, it grounded him. After a few moments he felt his control returning. 

“Okay now?” Will asked. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m just wound. We weren’t on duty, I just came across her on the sidewalk with that lunatic hovering over her. I wasn’t prepared,” Jay explained. It was one thing to kick in a door with his partner. It was another to come across your fiancé shot and laying on the sidewalk. He didn’t know if he could explain the difference to Will given his partner and fiancé were the same person. He’d probably just end up sounding crazy. 

“Did you get him?” Will asked, venom in his voice. 

Jay looked over at his face, surprised to see so much anger there. 

“She’s basically my sister now,” Will justified his anger. He’d be damned if someone was going to get away with hurting his family. 

“Yeah I got him.” Jay answered. 

“Good.”

“Thank you,” Jay said. 

“For what,” Will asked letting his hand drop off Jay’s back now that he could see he’d calmed significantly. 

Jay shrugged, embarrassed. Halstead’s didn’t talk about their feelings. 

Will smiled. “I’m not always a shitty big brother you know,” He said with a self deprecating smile. 

Jay let out a single note of laughter but sobered quickly. “You’ve been a pretty good one lately actually. Helping with Lily, making Erin and her feel like part of the family. Thanks for that too.” 

It was Will’s turn to shrug. He could tease his brother about his uncharacteristic display of gratitude but he figured he’d cut him some slack under the circumstances. “They’re pretty amazing girls you got there.”

Jay nodded, he didn’t need anyone to tell him that, and waited for the punchline but none came. He looked suspiciously at his brother. 

“What?” Jay raised an eyebrow. “No snarky remark?” 

“Nah, you did good little brother. I’m proud of you. And maybe a bit jealous.” Will admitted. 

Jay sat back in disbelief. This was rich coming from his playboy brother. “You looking to settle down with a wife and kids?” 

Will made a disgusted face. “Hell no, but you know, it would be kinda nice to have someone look at me like those girls look at you. Like you’re some kinda damn superhero.” 

“Well, I mean,” Jay motioned up and down his body, puffing up his chest with confidence. 

Will shook his head at his brother’s cockiness. “You know what? I should go check on Erin again, maybe call in a neurologist while she’s in there see if we can’t rewire her to see what an ass you actually are,” he joked, pretending to get up. 

Jay pulled him back down. He really didn’t want to be alone right now. The light mood between them faded. Will patted his brother’s shoulder again. “It won’t be much longer,” he reassured. 

/

And it wasn’t. They’d finally come out to get Jay and take him back to Erin’s room. As Will said, she was going to be just fine with some time to heal and a little rehab. She’d slept for another hour, her left arm in a sling, before she woke up groggy and nauseous. Jay had been ready with the bedpan and soothing words to help her get her bearings and thankfully she didn’t have an anxiety attack. Will had brought a cool cloth and a cup of ice chips in. After washing her face and sucking on a few ice chips Erin settled back against the pillow with a deep sigh. 

“Okay now,” Jay asked, softly stroking her right hand. “Yeah, my head and shoulder are throbbing though.” 

“Do you want something?” Will asked. Erin shook her head no and Will let the subject die. 

“When can I get out of here?” 

“Probably tomorrow, they just want to monitor you overnight.” Will answered. 

Erin grumbled. 

“It’s only one night babe,” Jay soothed. 

“Yeah but I hate being away from Lily. What if she has a nightmare?” 

Jay smiled gently at her. You’d never know this was the same woman who had been terrified of having kids. She was an amazing mom. “Aunt Helen is with her. They’ll be fine.” 

Will gave Erin a quick kiss and squeezed his brother’s shoulder before excusing himself. “You seem pretty good Princess so I have to get back downstairs. You need anything you know where I am.” They both mumbled their thanks and goodbyes as Will walked out. Once agin he’d gotten away with calling Erin princess. Jay just shook his head. One day it was bound to blow up in his face. 

“How are you?” Erin asked after he left. She let her eyes travel over her man. He looked tense. She reached up and caressed his jaw enjoying the prickle of his stubble under her hand. 

“Better now that you’re okay,” he said, closing his eyes to her soothing touch. 

“I’m sorry I worried you,” Erin apologized. 

Jay shook his head. “Not your fault. I’m damn glad you text me where you were parked though.” 

“Me too. He’s gone?” 

Jay nodded. 

“My hero,” she said with a small smile. 

Jay laughed silently remembering the first time she’d said that to him. He picked her hand up and gave it a soft kiss then kissed her lips gently. The contact felt good. 

“I want to go home,” Erin confessed. “Being here reminds me too much of last time.” 

Jay nodded. “I was thinking that too, it was almost a year ago. So much has changed in our lives since then.” 

“It has,” Erin agreed. 

“For the better though,” he smiled at her. 

“Yes, definitely,” she smiled back. 

“I’ll break you out first thing in the morning,” Jay promised. “As long as you take it easy at home.” 

Erin nodded. Her lack of protest wasn’t lost on Jay and spoke to just how much pain she was in and how the incident had affected her. 

“Will you lay with me?” She asked. Jay smiled. He remembered she’d asked him to lay with her last time and how she’d finally let him in. They’d come a long way in the past year. Jay was proud of them both. 

“Of course,” he answered. 

Erin slid over carefully and Jay climbed in on her good side, resting his head next to hers. Within a few minutes they drifted off to sleep. 

It was close to midnight when Hank finally got away from the district and peaked his head in to check on Erin. He’d been kept updated so he knew she was okay but he needed to lay eyes on her himself. Plus he had some information to share with her. His movement in the doorway roused both Erin and Jay from their sleep. Jay sat up wiping his hands down his face and greeted their Sargent with a slightly embarrassed blush. He didn’t know why he felt like he was doing something wrong laying down beside Erin, she was his fiancé after all, but Voight simply had that effect in him. 

After hugging Erin and asking how she was Hank filled them in on what he knew. “So we found a cargo van Mike was using just down from where you were parked. He had all kinds of notes and pictures. He’s been watching you all for awhile. He picked up your father after he was released and we found him stashed in an old garage Mike was using as home base. We think he planned on grabbing up Bunny too but she died before he could. He had plans to grab you, Jay and Lily as well.” 

“Family reunion,” Jay muttered, remembering one of the notes. 

Erin shivered at the thought. She knew from Mike’s own words he had planned to kill them all. “He said we ruined his life.”

Hank rolled his eyes. “Your father set in motion events that led to Shelby ending up on his doorstep, you went down there and stirred things back up when you were looking for Shelby and probably spooked him. We know he killed her. He figured out we knew. He was no saint. He didn’t have to take Shelby on but he was greedy and saw a chance to get something out of it for himself. He ruined his own life. Now he’s dead.” Hank paused for a breath then got back to business. 

“Mouse got him on video coming and going out of your parking garage, looks like he burst the pipe. Mouse went back over other footage and caught him on a few other cameras over the last couple weeks too. Once we knew who we were looking for he was easier to pick out.”

“We thought it was my dad, but it was Mike the whole time.”

“It was,” Hank agreed. 

“And my dad?” 

“He’s here actually. Mike banged him up pretty good.” Erin stiffened. “He won’t be coming anywhere near you,” Hank promised. “He doesn’t know you’re here and I have uniforms outside your door.”

“I’m spending the night,” Jay reminded her. 

Erin shook her head. They misinterpreted her reaction as fear. It wasn’t, just surprise. She’d talk to Jay after Hank left. She wanted to see her dad. She knew Jay would be more receptive to the idea then Hank. 

“We found Caleb Walsh’s body too,” Hank continued. 

“Mike’s brother in law?”

“Yeah, guess he was on the hit list too,” Hank shrugged. 

“Well he is the one who took Shelby to Myrtle Beach and dumped her on Mike and Karli,” Jay surmised. 

Erin shook her head. The whole thing was just a sad mess of wasted lives. 

/

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jay asked Erin again as they walked down the hospital corridor the next morning. 

“Yes,” She said with conviction. “I need to see him. I need to put this all to rest once and for all.” 

“Okay but I’m waiting right outside the door,” he reminded her. 

“Thank you,” She said sweetly, going up on her toes to kiss his cheek. 

He had his eyes closed when Erin entered the room. She took a moment to study him. He was banged up pretty good, split lip, bruises covering most of the right side of his face. Asleep it was hard to reconcile this battered older man with the monster from her childhood nightmares. 

Erin cleared her throat and Douglas opened his eyes. He blinked twice to adjust to the light then looked her up and down, a sneer on his face. “You’re not my nurse.” 

“No,” Erin confirmed. 

“Then get out, I’m trying to rest,” he said turning away from her. 

“Not just yet,” Erin challenged. 

“What the hell do you want woman?” The effort to speak so forcefully made him cough. 

What did she want? She’s spent her whole life running from her past and chasing after the dream that maybe she was wrong, maybe underneath all their flaws her parents were good people who were capable of loving her. Well Bunny was dead and gone, no hope of making amends there. Now here she stood in front of the man who donated the other half of her DNA. 

“I’m your daughter, Erin,” she said sticking out her chin. 

Douglas looked her over again then shook his head. “Don’t know who’s been filling your head with nonsense but I ain’t got no kids so you can just bugger off and leave me alone,” he gnarled. 

“My mother is, was, Bunny, Barbara Fletcher,” Erin said, trying to prove her point. 

“Never heard of the broad now piss off,” he barked. 

Erin opened her mouth to argue with him but her better judgement kicked in. Her instincts told her she could hold up a DNA report proving she was his kid and he’d still deny it. She was angry that his rejection stung. It shouldn’t have. He was no prize of a man. She should just turn and walk away but she’d come here to say something and she realized it didn’t matter if he was listening or not. She just needed to get the words out. 

“I’m not you. I’m not Bunny either. For a long time I thought that all I was was the sum of your and her worst parts. But I’m not. I’m not bad news. I can see that now. I’ve made a good life for myself filled with good people and you and Bunny, you don’t have any power over me anymore. You may be part of my past but I’m done looking back. I’m done cleaning up the messes you and mom left behind. I’m done letting you have space in my head. So if your amnesia ever clears and you feel like remembering you have a daughter well just give yourself a good smack in the head until you forget again because you don’t. I am nothing to you and you sure as hell aren’t anything to me.” Erin looked him over one last time then turned on her heels and walked out of the room. 

Jay had heard every word of Erin’s speech. He wanted to scoop her into his arms and tell her how much he loved her, how much he valued having her in his life and how proud he was of her but she walked out of her father’s room and kept walking right down the hall without even looking at him. He didn’t take it personally. He knew she was probably overwhelmed with emotion and just needed a few minutes to pull herself together. He could give her that. So Jay caught up and fell into pace beside her as they headed out to the car. He helped her slide in then ran around to the driver side. 

“Ready to go home?” He asked as he started the car up. 

“More than you’ll ever understand,” she said gazing out her window. 

Jay smiled empathetically and squeezed her hand causing Erin to turn and look at him. There was still so much emotion on her face but he could see her fighting to keep it in check. 

“I’m proud of you,” he said. “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I’m really glad I get to spend my life with you.” 

He watched Erin blink back tears and give him a watery smile. She nodded her head and squeezed his hand back but he could tell she was too choked up to speak. She didn’t need to, how much she loved him was written all over her face. 

/

Erin had spoken to Helen on the phone this morning and they agreed they wouldn’t lie to Lily but that she didn’t need to know the details of what happened either so when Erin walked in the apartment, her shoulder bandaged and arm in a sling, Lily was prepared. Helen had simply told her Erin was hurt at work and she needed to rest for a few days. Then she distracted the worried little girl by getting her to help prepare a welcome home party. Lily had made a colourful “get well soon” sign, Helen having helped her print her letters, and they did some baking. They’d also popped out and bought some flowers and some of Erin’s favourite snacks. 

Lily had brought Erin’s pillows and a blanket into the living room and insisted she help Erin get comfy on the couch so Lily could take care of her. Erin complied without complaint, Lily’s display of empathy and love was too adorable. 

“And you need to give her the tv remote Daddy!” Lily insisted. “Because she’s sick so she should get to pick what we watch.” 

Jay pretended to protest just to tease Lily but he’d happily give up his remote permanently if it meant he never had to go through seeing Erin shot again. He planned on spending some time of his own making sure Erin knew just how much she was cared for once Lily was safely tucked into bed.


	93. 93

Okay so I hope you like fluff because I promised a few special people I would end this journey on a ridiculous amount of fluff and feel good moments... but in classic me... there’s got to be a little more drama too lol! Hope you enjoy the last few chapters and as always I can’t thank you enough for all the love and support. You all make me feel amazing! Xoxo 

/

The next month flew by. Much to Erin’s relief her shoulder healed nicely and she was back to kicking butt in Intelligence, sometimes the bad guys, sometimes the overgrown boys she worked with. She wanted to kick their butts today. She knew they were up to something, they went suspiciously quiet every time she came in a room where two or more of them were gathered. Jay was at the top of her shit list because she knew he was lying to her when she asked what was going on. The man couldn’t lie worth a damn and she sometimes wondered how he’d survived working so long undercover. Erin had a sick feeling the cagey attitudes had something to do with her birthday this weekend. While she’d grown more comfortable with the idea of acknowledging her birthday since last years drama, she hoped to hell they weren’t planning anything elaborate. She still hated the idea of being the centre of attention, and Nadia and Shelby were still the predominant focus for her whenever she thought about her birthday. 

“Would you just spill it already,” Erin insisted to Jay as they drove to interview a witness. 

“Spill what?” he asked, biting his lip and turning to look out the window so Erin couldn’t see his face. 

“This is ridiculous Jay, you know I know something is up and you know how I feel about my birthday and surprises.” 

The car was quiet for a moment while Jay thought. Finally he let out a sigh. “You have to promise not to say anything. It will break her heart.”

“Who’s heart?” 

“Lily’s.” 

Erin gave Jay a confused look. 

“She overheard Aunt Helen and I talking about your birthday,” he explained. “And she got so excited Erin. It was so sweet I didn’t have the heart to burst her bubble. She wanted to throw you a party.”

Erin’s face remained serious. A party. This was not good. 

“The kid’s never been to a birthday party before, what was I gonna say to her?” Jay reasoned. “She begged to keep it a secret. She’s been working so hard. Please just go along with it,” Jay practically begged. “I know it’s not your thing. I understand why. But I couldn’t say no to her Erin.” 

It was Erin’s turn to let out a sigh. How could she protest now knowing all this birthday nonsense was coming from her sweet little girl? “Fine,” She grumbled. “But only because it’s Lily.” 

Jay’s face burst into a huge grin. “It won’t be that bad,” he promised. 

“Easy for you to say,” she muttered as she climbed out of the car. 

/

Jay was right. It hadn’t been that bad. Maybe it was because she had been focused on Lily and the pure excitement she radiated. Jay had taken Erin out Saturday afternoon claiming Hank needed them to follow up on a lead that couldn’t wait until Monday. He had been grateful for Voight’s help setting up the rouse because Erin had bought it completely. Just because she knew about the party didn’t mean Jay was going to let her know exactly when or where it was happening. 

When they got home he paused outside their condo door. “Remember Lily really wanted to surprise you.” He said, suddenly feeling bad that she had no heads up for what she was about to walk in to. 

It was all the warning she got that the party was happening now before he turned the key in the lock and opened the door. Within a second she was enveloped in a loud cheer of happy birthday and hoots and whistles. She wanted to bury her head in her coat but she plastered a smile on her face and was nearly knocked over by the force Lily had come running at her with. She was relieved to see they hadn’t gone crazy with the guest list and only included their closest friends and work family but their spacious condo felt significantly smaller with a couple dozen people buzzing around it. 

Aunt Helen had helped Lily bake a cake. It was in the shape of a dolphin. “Like the necklace you like to wear,” Lily had explained. 

She and Jay exchanged meaningful looks and Jay slid his hand up and down Erin’s back in quiet support. Lily had no way of knowing that dolphins made her think of Nadia or that terrible night two years ago they’d lost her. But Erin forced herself to smile and tell Lily she thought the cake was beautiful, it really was after all. And when Lily beamed under her compliment Erin found she didn’t have to put so much effort into smiling. 

The evening ended up being pretty fun. She couldn’t help remembering what Amy had said to her last year in the hospital about turning their grief into a celebration. Amy had come with her foster parents for a couple hours. Lily had met her a couple times now, as Erin tried to keep up seeing her once a month, and was quite taken with the older girl. The two had disappeared into Lily’s room to play when the noise and chaos had gotten too much for Lily’s senses. Both girls had pouted when it was time for Amy to go home. Despite the age difference the girls had bonded quickly. Erin was glad. She couldn’t think of anyone better for Lily to look up to. 

But the highlight of the evening was when Lily presented Erin with her gift. She had drawn a picture of her family and Jay had taken it to be framed. It took everything in Erin not to cry in front of everyone at the sweet image Lily presented her with. The moment reminder her so much of the card and picture Shelby had given her all those years ago on their last day together. She did now what she wished she’d done then and paid full attention as Lily took a minute to explain her creation. She drew the three of them holding hands in the park with their extended family playing like kids on the playground. 

“... and Uncle Kevin is doing chin ups on the swing set because he’s super strong, and Aunt Helen is getting the snacks ready because she makes the best snacks, and that’s Uncle Will hanging upside down on the monkey bars because he’s always silly.” 

Everyone had a good chuckle, including Will. Lily had managed to capture a little piece of everyone’s personality. She had titled the picture ‘My Family.’ Erin looked around the room at their guests, they were all in the picture. She touched the dolphin necklace around her neck she had specifically put on for today. She missed Nadia so much and Shelby too. But maybe Amy had been right about finding ways to celebrate them and life, Erin reminded herself again. It certainly was hard to be sucked into a hole of sadness when she was reminded of all the blessings she had in her life. Erin was quickly learning Lily was the biggest blessing of all. 

 

/

Birthdays seemed to be the theme over the next little while with Lily’s a few short weeks after Erin’s. She and Jay had been discussing Lily’s birthday present for most of that time. Discussing wasn’t really the right word. It was more like Erin was doing everything in her power to convince Jay they should get Lily the kitten she wouldn’t stop talking about and Jay was refusing to give an inch. She had no idea he had such distain for cats. But after how excited Lily had been for Erin’s birthday she really wanted to make Lily’s special. They’d already planned to take her to Shedd Aquarium. They hoped getting up close to some marine life would excite her since she was so fascinated by anything to do with water. And afterwards they were going to have a small party at the condo. Erin wanted to give her the kitten then. Aunt Helen had been on board to help hide a kitten in her condo until it was time to give it to Lily. 

“Jay it’s not like they are a lot of work,” Erin reasoned, turning to face him while they sat on the couch one night after Lily had gone to bed. “And Lily understands that she will have to help take care of it. I don’t see what the issue is?”

“They’re not a lot of work,” he agreed, muting the tv. “They’re not a lot of anything. What exactly is the point? You can’t take them for walks or play fetch with them or anything. They just sleep all day when they aren’t staring you down and attack you in the middle of the night.”

Erin laughed. “Did someone have a bad experience with a cat once?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he pouted. “Besides you promised you wouldn’t let her become a crazy cat lady,” he reminded her. 

“One cat won’t make her a crazy cat lady, and her therapist said it might help. Remember what she said about animals being used in therapy?” 

“She’s probably a crazy cat lady too,” Jay said dryly. 

“Jay!” Erin chastised him. 

“What? Have you seen the freaky sweaters she wears? No sane person would dress like that.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Erin rolled her eyes but couldn’t keep her lip from twitching upward. Lily’s therapist was amazing at her job but she did have very interesting taste in clothing. 

“Am I? Have you been to her house? Can you verify she’s not a crazy cat lady? I bet she has at least five cats and hoards of stuff everywhere.”

“So crazy cat people are hoarders too?” Erin shook her head at the ridiculousness of Jay’s logic. 

“You remember that old woman we did a wellness check on last winter? You remember how hard it was to move around that place from all the stuff she had piled everywhere? And how many cats did she have?” Jay gave a satisfied nod knowing Erin couldn’t argue with him. Then he looked away and shuttered remembering the smell of the place as they’d waded through piles of junk to make sure the old lady was still breathing. He’d been surprised she hadn’t passed out living in that smell. The cats had stared at them the whole time they were there too. Jay tried to shake the memory from his head. 

Erin sighed. Her man was as stubborn as they came. Once he dug his heels in there were very few things that would make him change his mind. Fortunately for Erin she knew all Jay’s weaknesses. 

“You remember the black lacy outfit I bought last Christmas?”

Jay’s head spun towards her, he licked his lips subconsciously. Erin was pleased to see she had his full attention. 

“You remember what I did when I was wearing that outfit?”

Jay’s mouth opened and closed, his eyes wide with excitement at the memory, he couldn’t form words and just nodded dumbly at her. 

Erin had him right where she wanted him. She reached out and ran a finger seductively down his chest. “If you agree to get Lily a kitten I’ll wear that outfit whenever you want.”

“Whenever I want?” He asked in disbelief, his voice cracking. 

“Umm hmm,” she purred and batted her eyelashes at him. 

“And you’ll do that thing...”

“Absolutely,” She rasped and licked her lips to emphasize her point. 

“Whenever I want..” he repeated. 

Erin nodded. “We could go to the bedroom now if you like, I could give you a little preview?”

“To seal the deal,” Jay said, swallowing big. 

When Erin nodded Jay got up from the couch abruptly and tugged Erin up behind him, not even bothering to turn off the tv or any lights. He practically dragged her down the hall. Erin had to work hard to hide her smile. Not only had she just got her way on the cat issue but if she were being honest she’d enjoyed their erotic black lace filled evening every bit as much as Jay had. She’d never tell him that. In fact she’d probably cut out her tongue before she’d let on to Jay that this was as much a win for her as it was him for fear he’d renege on the deal. 

/

The day of Lily’s party had Erin on edge and she was driving Jay crazy. She must have cleaned and rearranged decorations a thousand times. It was so out of character for her to obsess over details like this. She fussed over food trays and balloons until Jay couldn’t take it any more. 

“I thought I was the one with OCD in this relationship,” he teased coming up behind her as she wiped down the counter again. 

Erin didn’t even crack a smile, she just kept scrubbing at an imaginary spot on the granite. 

“Hey,” Jay said empathetically and put his hand over hers. “Relax. Everything is perfect. She’s going to love it.”

Erin sighed and tossed the cloth in the sink. “You think so?”

“I know so. She’s going to be blown away when she sees all this,” he said waving around at the cheerfully decorated living room. 

“Do you think she suspects?”

Jay shook his head no. Helen had helped them get Lily out of the house this morning so they could decorate. They were going to pick her up at the park, so she wouldn’t find the kitten at Helen’s, and take her to the aquarium. The plan was for Helen to let everyone in their place so when they got back they could surprise Lily. She’d enjoyed surprising Erin so much Erin was banking on Lily loving being surprised back. 

“She’s going to love it Erin,” he reassured her again. 

“I just want her to have the perfect day.”

“I know. I do to. Honestly I don’t see how she can’t. You’ve gone all out,” Jay said with a bit of a chuckle. 

Erin looked around the room. There were balloons and banners and decorations everywhere. Erin laughed at herself. “I guess I did kinda go a bit nuts,” she admitted. 

Jay kissed her forehead. “It’s perfect.”

All of Erin’s anxiety about giving Lily the perfect day vanished the second they walked into the aquarium. Lily was ecstatic. Her eyes darted everywhere and she wanted to see everything at once. They spent hours exploring every corner of the aquarium. Lily was mesmerized by the circular reef exhibit and walked slowly around it dozens of times trying to spy all the different fish. She wasn’t even shy to touch some of the fish and rays in the touch tanks. Erin took dozens of pictures and video of Lily and she and Jay found themselves having a blast, caught up in Lily’s excitement and wonder. They finished the visit in the gift shop. Jay had encouraged her to pick out something she liked and when she couldn’t decide between a stuffed sea turtle and a book about penguins Jay had announced she could have both since it was her birthday. Erin laughed. She may have gone overboard decorating but Jay’s inability to say no was gonna have them working overtime until they were seventy. She couldn’t be mad though. Lily deserved a little spoiling and Jay was just too cute doing it. 

Lily had squeezed his neck in a tight hug. “Thank you Daddy,” she’d said as she put a wet kiss on his cheek. “This is the best birthday ever in the whole wide world.” 

Lily had been a little premature with her declaration though because two hours later she sat on their living room floor surrounded by their friends and family and had tears of joy streaming down her cheeks as she cuddled the little orange tabby cat she’d just scooped out of its box. “You got me a kitty! A real life kitty!” She exclaimed. “I can keep her?”

“It’s a him, but yes, he’s yours. But you remember the deal?” Erin reminded her, thrilled Lily loved her gift. 

“I know I have to help take care of him. I will, I promise! Oh Mommy he’s so soft and cuddly! I love him so much!” She announced and buried her face in his soft hair. The kitten purred and mewed at Lily, tolerating her excited affection. When she finally put him down the kitten amused himself rolling and playing in the mound of discarded gift wrap. Lily laughed happily watching his silly antics. 

“What are you going to name him?” Hank sat down on the couch behind her and asked. 

Lily sat with a serious expression on her face contemplating her difficult decision. “Freckles,” she finally announced. “Because of the spots on his nose.” 

Will, Helen, Erin and Ryan, who had flown in for the weekend, choked and sputtered as they tried to contain their laughter. Jay shot them daggers. Of course she’d name the damn cat Freckles. Will and Erin were going to torture him even more with the stupid nickname. He was never going to have peace again. “I knew we should have got the black one,” he muttered under his breath. 

“What’s so funny?” Sam asked Greg as they stood on the other side of the room. 

“I’m not sure, but you can bet I’ll be finding out before the nights out,” Mouse replied slyly. 

“Well I hope you’ll share,” Sam flirted shyly. She had flown up from North Carolina to meet Lily. Erin though Lily’s birthday would be the perfect occasion. Sam had readily agreed, bringing Shelby’s paint set as part of her gift to Lily. Not only was Sam anxious to get reacquainted with Shelby’s little girl but she was curious about the man she’d spent so much time FaceTiming. At first Greg had only contacted her to try and find Lily’s birth father but then he’d started checking in on her once Mike had taken off, under the excuse they wanted to make sure she was safe. And by the time Jay had shot Mike there was no denying their friendship or the chemistry that had sparked between them. They talked every couple of days now. They’d both been nervous about finally meeting in person but the relaxed party had provided the perfect setting to finally meet each other. 

“He’s got it bad,” Erin whispered to Jay a few minutes later when they went to the kitchen to get Lily’s cake. 

“Who?”

“Mouse,” She said as if it was obvious. 

Jay scanned the space and found Greg talking with Sam by the windows. They were standing close and talking low. Every once in awhile Sam’s fingers would brush across Greg’s arm. He seemed completely captivated by whatever she was saying. “Huh, who knew,” Jay said with vague surprise. 

“Umm apparently everyone but you,” Erin laughed. 

“Really?”

“They’ve been flirting, I mean FaceTiming, for months!” Erin said, surprised Jay hadn’t noticed. 

“That was just case stuff.” He dismissed her. He wasn’t going to buy into gossip. 

Erin shot Jay a look like he was crazy. 

“What?”

“How is it you’re such a kick ass detective when you’re completely clueless about what’s been going on right in front of your nose with your best friend and Sam?”

Jay shrugged. 

“Next you’re gonna tell me you think Ryan actually flew in for Lily’s birthday and not as an excuse to see that judge’s clerk from Lily’s custody hearing.”

Jay looked over at Ryan who was laughing with Adam and Antonio about something. He looked back at Erin’s expected gaze. He shrugged again and went back to putting candles in Lily’s cake. “You think I’m a kick ass detective huh?” He asked with a cocky grin. 

Erin rolled her eyes. She’d walked into that one. It was probably the only part of the conversation Jay had even heard. “I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t stop puffing up you chest and start lighting these candles,” she said with a laugh. 

“You happen to love this ass,” he reminded her. 

Erin scoffed. 

“Don’t deny it. I know you’re checking it out whenever I leave the room. I can feel your eyes on me.” 

“Maybe I’m just happy to see you go,” she teased back. 

On impulse Jay swiped a dollop of icing from the base of the cake and smudged it on Erin’s nose. 

Her mouth dropped open in surprise and Jay laughed. “You did not just do that?” She cried in disbelief. 

Jay’s hands moved quickly, lighting each of Lily’s candles as fast as he could. He knew he only had seconds before Erin recovered and got her payback in. 

“Candles are lit, time to sing,” he said, hurrying to scoop up the cake and walk around the island into the living room. Erin’s mouth fell open again, stunned. She recovered and quickly cleaned the icing from her nose before anyone noticed. Oh that man is going to pay, she thought to herself. No one was the wiser that the bright smile lighting up Erin’s face as they sang to Lily had more to do with the revenge plans she was dreaming up in her head then with watching the sweet girl anxiously waiting to blow out her candles.


	94. 94

Freckles was better at revenge then Erin could have ever planned herself. She liked the cat more and more each day, mostly because the cat decided Jay was his favourite person and it was driving Jay crazy. He followed Jay around, often causing Jay to curse under his breath as he tried not to trip over the little creature. When he sat down to watch tv he was barely comfortable and Freckles would jump up on his lap. Jay would cringe and hiss in pain when his little claws would need into him as the cat purred and turned in circles trying to find the perfect spot to lay down in. At first Jay had simply picked the cat up and plopped it on the floor but it would only jump back up for Jay to try and push him off again. 

Lily had caught him shooing the cat off his lap one day and burst into tears. She ran down the hall and into Erin's arms. "Daddy doesn't love Freckles. He's gonna make me give him away! Don't let him give Freckles away Mommy, please," she begged. 

Jay had of course followed Lily and if he hadn't felt guilty enough the look Erin shot him would have done it. "I don't hate Freckles," Jay tried to comfort Lily. "It's just his claws hurt when he walks on me," Jay tried to explain. "I don't want to give him away." 

"You promise?" she sniffled and looked up into Jay's eyes. Her stare bore right through him and her stern expression was an exact match of Erin's. He knew he'd never get away with lying to either of them. 

"I promise," he said honestly. 

After that Lily brought Jay one of her soft blankets to keep on the couch. "To put on your lap so Freckle's claws won't hurt."

Jay knew when he was beat so he begrudgingly let the cat sleep on his lap while he watched tv. Erin wondered if Jay even noticed the way he'd started to absently scratch the feline's chin and massage its back while he stretched out and watched baseball. But he didn't. Just because he let the cat sit on him didn't mean they were friends. He'd only conceded to the tv viewing arrangement because he couldn't bare to break his daughter's heart. 

Jay smiled. 

His daughter. 

Sometime between the custody hearing and Lily's birthday he'd caught himself thinking and referring to her that way more and more often. Now it was second nature. It was amazing how short a time it had taken to feel like they belonged together. He knew he'd do absolutely anything for that girl. Well, anything but put up with the cat sleeping on his head. 

Sometimes in the middle of the night Freckles would pounce on the bed, often clawing half Jay's back up in an attempt to climb over him and onto Jay's pillow. No matter how many times Jay pushed him down beside him, Freckles would climb back up and curl himself around Jay's head. He'd wake up in the morning with cat hair up his nose and in his mouth. One night he'd closed their bedroom door to keep Freckles out but the damn thing had cried and clawed at the door so long Erin had got frustrated and got up and let him in. She appeared to have no empathy for Jay. 

"He's only doing it because he knows you don't like him," Erin explained, amused with his frustration. 

"That makes no sense," Jay countered. 

"If you'd be friends with him he'd leave you alone. Cats always go to the people that don't like them," she explained like she was some sort of feline expert. 

"So they are stupid on top of creepy?" 

"They're not stupid and what's so creepy about them?" 

"Erin only stupid people hang out with people who hate them. What if I was gonna hurt him? Hanging around me would make it easier. And the way they watch you all the time is creepy," he shuddered. 

"Don't be ridiculous you're not gonna hurt him. He knows it. And you're just being paranoid."

"How does he know it huh? I'm not paranoid, that thing watches me wherever I go."

"Because he's smart," Erin beamed in victory. "And maybe he likes looking at your butt as much as I do." 

Erin let out an uncharacteristic screeched in surprise when Jay lunged for her. She hadn't anticipated he'd toss her on the bed so he easily pinned her hands above her head and started tickling her. She bucked wildly trying to push him off her but he held her legs down with his own. Only when he could see Erin struggle for air from laughing too much did he let up. 

She promptly smacked him with a pillow. "What was that for?" She panted. 

"For taking the cat's side," Jay huffed and gently lobbed the pillow back. 

Erin laughed. "You really don't like cats?" 

Jay raised an eyebrow at her but saved the sarcastic comeback. Hadn't he been saying all along he didn't?

"Well you look pretty cute, big tough guy with a kitten snuggled up against you at night," Erin teased. 

Jay rolled his eyes but Erin knew him well enough to know he lapped up her deliberately placed compliment about him being big and tough. 

After the kitten got sick Erin no longer bought Jay's tough guy 'I hate cats' act.   
Freckles was uncharacteristically subdued and his appetite seemed to disappear. On his second day of this behaviour Erin came home to find Jay sitting on a stool at the kitchen island. He held Freckles in his arms and was trying to spoon feed him small pieces of tuna. "Come in little buddy," he cooed to the cat. "What's wrong huh? Why won't you eat? Don't you feel good?"

Erin stood hand on hip, bemused smile on her face, and watched Jay cuddle and coax the little animal. When he looked up and noticed her she saw real concern in his eyes. "I think we should take him to the vet. It's been two days now and he's not playing or eating and last night he didn't even come to our bed. I found him laying by the balcony door."

Erin would have laughed at the idea of Jay getting up to look for the cat in the middle of the night if she too wasn't concerned for his health. Erin agreed it was time to see if there was something really wrong with him.

"Will he be okay Mommy?" A sad Lily asked as she kissed the top of Freckles head before they put him in the cat carrier. 

"I think so baby. Animals get sick just like us sometimes. The vet will take good care of him and help us make him feel better." 

/

They checked in and then took a seat in the vet's waiting room. Jay sat the cage on his lap and whispered reassuringly to Freckles. 

"So much for hating cats," Erin teased. 

"What? Just because I don't like them doesn't mean I want the poor thing to suffer," Jay defended himself. 

"I don't want to see him suffer either Jay but there's a big difference between feeling sorry for the poor thing and cooing at it like it's a baby," she laughed. 

Jay shook his head and went back to scratching Freckles through the cage door. 

A few hours later they trudged off the elevator and slowly down to their front door. Neither of them was looking forward to facing Lily without the cat in their arms. 

Lily heard them come in and ran down the hall to greet them. Her eyes frantically scanned them and the space behind them and when she didn't see Freckles or his carrier tears pooled in her eyes and her lip trembled. Erin bent down and put out her arms immediately. But Lily didn't come to her. 

"You said he'd be okay!" She cried. 

"He is, he will be," Erin corrected herself. "He just needs to stay with the vet for a few days. He has to have an operation but he'll be okay. When he's all better we can bring him back home." 

"You promise?" She asked skeptically. 

"Yes, I wouldn't lie to you sweetie," Erin assured her. 

Only then did Lily finally snuggle into Erin for a hug. 

Jay stood watching his little girl's heart break. He almost fell over when the vet told them how much it would be to remove the cyst on Freckles kidney but one look at Lily's little face and he knew he'd part with double that just to see his her smile again. He wasn't sure he could bare bringing her bad news. He'd asked the vet over and over to confirm that Freckles would come out the other side of the surgery. He'd even channeled a bit of his inner Voight, letting the doctor know exactly what might happen to him if he was yanking their chain on the cat's prognosis. To his surprise Erin didn't give him shit about that but he suspected it would tear her up just as much to see Lily hurting. 

That night Erin woke cold and alone in their bed. It was just after three am and she wondered if Lily had had a bad dream, sending Jay to her room. It was unlikely Erin would sleep though Lily calling out for them though. Uneasy, she decided to get out of bed and check up on her family. Lily's door was closed and when she cracked it open the nightlight illuminated the room just enough for Erin to see Lily sleeping like a peaceful angel, no sign of Jay. She was relieved because bedtime and been rough with Lily worrying over Freckles. Erin gently closed her door and headed for the living room. It had been ages since he'd gotten up to watch tv in the middle of the night but there he was slouched back, feet propped up on the coffee table, watching what she was sure was a dry and boring documentary. 

"Hey," she whispered coming to cuddle in beside him. 

"Hey," he answered, kissing her forehead and slinging his arm around her. 

"Everything okay?"

Jay nodded. "Couldn't sleep." Erin looked up at him waiting for him to elaborate. "It's that damn cat. I guess I got use to it sleeping with me," he grumbled. Erin tried to cover her amusement. 

"We've barely had him a month," she pointed out as she pulled a blanket from the back of the couch around her and snuggled in closer to Jay. He only shrugged in reply. 

"So much for hating cats," she teased. 

Jay squeezed her arm but didn't have the energy to banter with her. 

"That vet better know what he's doing," Erin commented flatly. 

"Especially with what we're paying him,"  
Jay pointed out. "I called Will, Lily kept asking me to explain what they were going to do to Freckles and I felt like an idiot. He's on days tomorrow so he's going to come over for dinner and see if he can't answer her questions better."

"Not a bad idea, hopefully it will help her feel better." Erin said with a yawn. She knew she should probably head back to bed but she hated sleeping alone in their bed, especially if it was because Jay was having trouble sleeping, so she closed her eyes and let the sound of his heartbeat under her ear lull her to sleep while he watched his show. Eventually Jay fell asleep too, soothed by the warmth of Erin's body nestled against him. 

/

Jay snuck out early from work the next day and picked Lily up from school. She'd started going a week after her birthday and so far was loving it. Today Jay was taking Lily to the animal hospital to see Freckles. He'd had his surgery this morning and they had called Erin to tell her he'd come through with flying colours. Jay and Lily were able to pet Freckles and visit for a bit but he was still being kept subdued with pain medication so he wouldn't do any damage to where they'd cut into his abdomen. The visit reassured Lily a little bit that her best friend was going to be okay. It also made her feel better to see Freckles wasn't alone, the previous night she had cried thinking he would be cold and lonely in the strange place. The vet had encouraged them to bring a blanket from home that had their scent on it for Freckles to curl up on so he felt less anxiety during his recovery and Lily spent several minutes arranging it perfectly in his cage while the vet tech patiently held Freckles. But Jay still saw sadness in her eyes when they had to leave Freckles and knew he had to do something to erase it. They made a quick stop for ice cream on the way home. 

"She's not gonna eat her dinner," Erin scolded gently when they came in licking their dripping cones. She probably would have been more annoyed if they hadn't brought her a cup of her favourite chocolate. Jay was no fool. After this many years as Erin's partner he knew how to keep himself out of the doghouse. 

Will showed up just as dinner was being served and he didn't disappoint. He'd somehow managed to find a stuffed animal that looked exactly like Freckles, even drawing black dots on its nose to match Freckles markings. He'd also brought a little backpack with bandages and some other medical supplies including an old stethoscope he cleaned up for Lily. After dinner he drew her a picture of Freckles anatomy and explained what the vet did to make Freckles better in a way she could understand. Then he showed her how to use the stethoscope and sew stitches and bandage up her new stuffed cat. Lily was enthralled and more importantly, relaxed. Somehow Will managed to alleviate the last of her worries. Jay and Erin sat on the couch watching Will and Lily play doctor. Will was in his element and they were thoroughly entertained. 

While Jay was tucking Lily in to bed later Erin took the opportunity to ask Will about Jay's distain for cats. 

Will chuckled. "We had this crazy ass cat when we were little. I mean the thing was psychotic. It use to stalk us and pounce on our feet when we least expected it. It had a thing for Jay and would hide under his bed only to jump out and scare the crap out of him," Will continued to laugh. "Jay's got a soft spot for all animals but cats are definitely the bottom of his list. He use to beg mom to get him a dog but she refused, saying he and I were more than enough work for her." 

"Are you talking about Spaz?" Jay asked coming back into the living room. 

"Spaz?" Erin asked. 

"Yup, it was so crazy that's what we named him," Will laughed. 

"Crazy isn't the word for it, demented is more like it. That thing creeped me out big time." Will and Erin laughed while Jay shuttered. 

Thankfully Lily's bedtime went much smoother that night and the rest of the week while Freckles recovered. When it was finally time for him to come home Jay went to great lengths to ensure Freckles was comfortable and safe. He even carried him into their bed at night much to Erin's amusement. 

"We need to keep an eye on him, he's worth a fortune now. I don't want him getting into anything while he's recovering. We can't afford it," Jay defended himself. 

Erin simply nodded and hummed. If that's what he needed to believe she'd let him. In the end Jay decided having Freckles in their bed wasn't such a bad thing after all because from that night on when Freckles curled up on Jay's pillow Jay simply moved over to Erin's side and wrapped himself around her. Even when she was asleep she'd feel him against her and shift closer to him. Secretly he thanked the cat because there was nothing that helped him sleep better then having Erin snuggled up against him. 

 

/

Spring was in full bloom when Jay's birthday rolled around. Both he and Erin agreed they were surprise partied out from the girl's birthdays but Erin still wanted to do something special for Jay. Not only had he had a difficult year but she wanted to remind him just how much he meant to her. He accepted and supported her without condition and had jumped in without hesitation to be an incredible father to Lily. 

The weekend following Jay's birthday was forecast to be unseasonably warm so Erin made some calls and chartered a boat. She figured Jay deserved a day to just kick back and forget about everything in the world. She'd originally planned for just Will and Mouse to accompany him, Erin having taken him for dinner at the Purple Pig and bought him a new outfit he enthusiastically unwrapped her from the night of his birthday, but Jay insisted she and Lily join them. 

"Come on Erin, the way Lily loves the water? She'll be in heaven and you and I barely get any time to hang out and have fun we've been working so hard." He didn't have to twist her arm. She happily agreed to join them. The idea of lounging on the boat deck all day sounded heavenly. 

The day was perfect. It was sunny and warm with hardly any breeze and they ate and laughed and relaxed for hours. The water was still too cold to swim in, however that hadn't stopped the boys from taking turns pushing each other overboard, but Lily had loved every minute on the boat and Erin loved seeing Jay let go of all his stress and just enjoy himself. 

She and Lily did have one surprise up their sleeves though. Erin felt like Jay had made so many concessions when he chose to be with her. He'd made the things she'd never dared to dream about a reality and she wanted to make at least one of his childhood dreams come true too. She just hoped Freckles wouldn't hate her for what she did.


	95. 95

"Erin?" Jay called over his shoulder. "Why is there a dog in a crate in our living room?"

Erin and Lily exchanged excited smiles as they dropped all the gear from the boat onto the hall floor and went to join Jay in the living room. 

"Surprise Daddy!" Lily shouted and danced around. "We got you a puppy just like you always wanted!"

Jay was dumbfounded. He looked between Erin and the small dog who was now standing in his crate pawing at the door, curious and excited by their arrival. He was young looking, dark brown, his ears flopped from side to side as he cocked his head and judging by the size of his paws he was going to be a decent size boy when he finished growing. "Chocolate lab?" Jay asked when he found his voice. 

"Yeah, he's a rescue though, almost four months old, the mom was brought in pregnant and they've been adopting the litter out. Will said chocolate labs were your favourite." Erin watched Jay carefully. He seemed more taken aback then excited by their surprise gift. She wondered if she'd made a mistake with this surprise. 

Lily plopped on the floor in front of the crate. Jay watched as she started talking to the puppy and petting him through the door. 

"How long has this been in the works?" Jay asked, turning back to Erin. 

"A couple weeks. I heard you grumbling a few times after we got Freckles about how you wished he was a dog and then Will told me how much you liked them and how you never got to have one and," Erin took a breath and swallowed. "You've given me so much Jay, done so much for me and Lily and we have this wonderful life now with you. I just wanted to do something like that for you but if this isn't it, it's okay, the shelter said they'd have no problem adopting him out if he's not the right fit for us."

"I just," Jay paused to gather his thoughts. "A puppy is a lot of work, can we put one more thing on our plate right now?"

"I thought about that and well your Aunt, she said she was kinda lonely during the day now that Lily is in school and she misses having a dog," Erin began. 

"They always had a dog in that house," Jay confirmed with a hint of envy in his voice. 

"Yeah and she pointed out how she'd feel safer taking Lily to the park and stuff with a dog too. I kinda felt bad putting another thing on her but she really seemed excited about the idea and said she'd be happy to keep him with her during the day."

"I guess with my uncle gone and giving up her job and Lily in school now she would get kind of lonely," Jay thought out loud. 

"You haven't said how you feel about it?" Erin reminded him. She was still anxious about what he thought. 

A slow smile spread across Jay's face and he pulled Erin into his arms. "You really got me a dog?"

She crinkled her nose. "Bad surprise?" 

"No babe, definitely not a bad surprise," he said before he planted a firm kiss on Erin's lips. 

Lily was watching them carefully. Erin had warned her that they might not be keeping the dog. "So you like him?"

"Yes baby girl I do," he confirmed. 

"So we can take him out now and play with him?" 

Jay laughed and came to sit on the floor beside Lily. He unlatched the crate and the puppy barreled out and onto his lap. He seemed to sense he'd been accepted by this new family and did his best to show Jay just how happy he was about it, pouncing on his chest and licking his face. Jay scratched the little boy between his ears and laughed. When his face was thoroughly clean the puppy moved on to Lily. She fell backwards laughing as he climbed all over her, licking whatever skin he could get at on her face and arms. Erin was elated. Her two favourite people were happy and laughing. She couldn't ask for anything better. The puppy scampered over to her and jumped at her legs. Erin sat down and let the little guy give her the same greeting he had Jay and Lily. His rough wet tongue scratched her cheek as he showed her affection. 

"So I guess all we need now is the mini van," Jay joked a few minutes later. Could their lives get any more domestic?

"Oh hell no," Erin said adamantly. "I will never be a mini van mom!"

Jay laughed and leaned over for a kiss. "Just another reason I love you so damn much!" 

"So?" Erin asked after she'd been thoroughly kissed. 

"So?" Jay echoed her question. 

"What are you gonna name him?" 

"Yeah Daddy you have to give him a name!" Lily said climbing into his lap and pulling the puppy on top of her. 

Jay rubbed the puppy's belly as he gave it some thought. "Max," he finally answered. "That's what I wanted to call my dog when I was little if I ever got one."

"Max it is," Erin agreed.

Thankfully Freckles and Max seemed to come to terms with each other fairly quickly. They even worked out sleeping arrangements on their own. While Freckles still curled up on Jay's pillow, Max made himself a warm nest at the bottom of Lily's bed, much to the little girl's delight. Erin laughed at the set up given the cat was supposed to be Lily's and dog Jay's. But she still thought she had the best deal in the family since Jay had been nuzzled up against her every night since Freckles came home from his operation. Jay kept her warm and she felt safe and loved feeling his arms wrapped around her. 

"Thank you," he whispered that night as they snuggled down into bed. "I know I was kind of shocked before but it really was a great surprise. I really have always wanted a dog." 

"You think I'm crazy, a kid, a cat, a dog all in less then six months," she observed. 

Jay kissed her shoulder and pulled her closer. "No, the way I see it; go big or go home," he laughed. Erin laughed with him. That was certainly what they'd done. 

/

The next months flew by and Erin grew slightly panicked when she looked at her to do list and realized she only had a few days before they went up to the cabin to prepare for their wedding. 

She still couldn't believe it. She, Erin Lindsay, girl with commitment issues and so much baggage she could buy out a luggage store, was getting married. 

But there was no panic or cold feet when she thought about the man she was marrying. There was no doubt he was good for her. A blind man could see how genuine his love was. She loved him just as fiercely. She'd given him a part of herself she'd never shared with anyone, opened up her heart in a way she swore she never would and while it had been scary at first there was no fear left now. For the first time she was focused on enjoying her present and daydreaming about her future rather than wondering when her past would creep back up to knock her down. 

Erin hadn't anticipated the level of crazy her life had reached in the last few months though. A child to suddenly raise, one who came with medical issues and emotional trauma and homework to help her catch up to her peers. Two young energetic pets who fluctuated between terrorizing their household and completing the perfect cuddle pile. And a wedding to plan, all be it a simple one, Erin couldn't believe how many details there were to cover. 

Thankfully she discovered what amazing girlfriends she had. They had been more then willing to divvy up some of the wedding planning and help Erin out. She didn't understand how picking out flowers, food, decorations and dress shopping could be so exciting for them but she was really glad it was. Not only did it give her less to worry about but it also brought a bit of fun to the process for her and Lily. The girls had certainly made sure Erin laughed a lot when they got together. 

In the end, it was a still a wedding. That meant no matter how low key Erin insisted on keeping it there was bound to be drama. She really should have given Jay's offer to elope a little more thought. Not that she and Jay were the source of the drama. No, they for once were on an even keel despite, or maybe because of, the level of crazy in their domestic life. It was everyone else making Erin's head spin. She felt more like she had been dropped into a reality tv show then escaping for a long weekend away at the cabin. 

It started when they first arrived at the cabin for the Fourth of July long weekend. Lily's eyes had almost popped out of her head taking in the beautiful and serine landscape. She of course was drawn to the river but Erin and Jay reminded her that they would take her swimming after they unpacked the car. Lily and Max were allowed to play in the yard if they promised to stay well back of the water. 

Will, Ryan and Mark arrived a few minutes behind them and then Erin's girlfriends, Maddy, Kaitlin and Anne pulled in. They were all there to help clean and set up for the wedding then the boys were taking off on an overnight fishing trip while the girls enjoyed a night in the cabin. Erin and Jay had forgoed the traditional bachelor/bachelorette parties, much to Adam and Kevin's disappointment, though the crew had taken Jay out drinking till all hours the weekend before, instead wanting to maximize the time Hank had agreed to give them off to spend at the cabin. The property became a flurry of activity as everyone worked to unload vehicles and organize supplies. As they came and went out of the house they all were conscious to check in on Lily. 

But then things got out of hand. Ryan and Will accidentally knocked a wasp hive down while moving the table off the back deck. Angry wasps exploded from the hive and through the open screen door into the cabin. Screams and yells erupted from the house as everyone scattered, trying to avoid getting stung. Once they pulled themselves together the group was focused on how to get the bugs out of the cabin without anyone getting hurt. 

The pseudo emergency distracted them and no one saw Max chase a squirrel down to the rivers edge, Lily followed behind him frantically whisper yelling for him to get away from the water before they got in trouble. The pup, having lost sight of the squirrel, quickly became curious about the water. A dragonfly buzzed passed him over the waters edge and he bound into the rivers, splashing water all around him. 

Lily, distraught he was going to get hurt or them in trouble, tried to coax him away from the water but he was six months old and not yet trained to listen to her commands. The dragonfly zipped along the water and up over the dock. Max followed, scampering up into the floating wood slats. Cautiously, Lily walked down the centre of the dock trying to corner him and grab him by the collar to pull him back to the grass they were allowed to play in. Max wasn't having it though. At the end of the dock several dragonflies buzzed every which way and he barked and leapt after them, snapping his mouth open and shut trying to catch one. The sudden frantic movements had Lily off balance and when he leapt for one that flew over her head his body weight landed against Lily. She lost her balance. With a startled scream Lily fell backwards, falling into the water.


	96. 96

A chilling silence fell over the adults when Lily's scream reached their ears. As one, the entire group turned towards the sound. In slow motion they watched a huge slash of water envelop the little girl. Less then a second later the group tore down to the dock as fast as they could. Max stood at the edge of the dock barking at Lily as she franticly waved her arms and cried out, swallowing huge mouthfuls of water as her head bobbed below the surface. After disappearing for a third time the dog launched himself into the water. A moment after that Jay and Ryan were diving in fully dressed, eyes trained on the last spot they'd seen Lily go under. Thankfully the current wasn't strong and Jay's hands found the loose fabric of Lily's dress in the murky water. He grabbed hold of it with one hand and reached out further with the other until he felt her body. Pulling her right against him, Jay pushed up off the bottom of the river and surged towards the surface. 

Ryan emerged a few feet down stream a second after him from where he had been searching for Lily and helped Jay get her back to the dock. Will and Erin were there to pull her up. Jay climbed out, frantic to check Lily was okay, while Ryan retrieved the dog. Will went to work checking Lily over, just as Mark ran his medical bag down from the car. 

Lily choked and sputtered. She was frightened and gasping for air. Erin lay down beside her and tried to calm her so Will could finish checking her out. Jay brushed his dripping wet hair off his face and watched his brother's steady hands move over his daughter's tiny body. He held his breath as Will listened to her chest through his stethoscope. Once Will decided her lungs were clear of water he let Erin scoop her up. Annie had found some towels and Jay helped Erin wrap her in them. Erin scooped Lily up and carried her to sit in a sunny spot on the edge of the back deck. Jay rubbed his hands up and down Lily's back, arms and legs, helping Erin to calm and warm her. 

The guilt was overwhelming. They both beat themselves up. They should have been watching her more closely. Lily was a great kid and always followed their rules but they'd forgotten how young she was and that they needed to be more vigilant here then in their childproofed condo. They'd come way to close to loosing the little girl who'd quickly become the most important thing in their world. 

Everyone, satisfied Lily was physically okay, gave the little family space while they comforted Lily. 

"I'm so-or-ry," Lily hiccuped. "Ma-ax wouldn't listen," she tired to explain. "I, I was scared he- he'd get hurt." 

"It's okay baby," Erin soothed her. "We should have been watching better."

"It's our job to take care of Max and you," Jay said. "We should have been watching better." He repeated Erin's words. 

"Is... is he okay?" She asked calming down slowly. 

"Yes, Uncle Mark is drying him off," Jay assured her. "Next time he gets himself into trouble how about you come get us instead?" Jay suggested. He didn't want Lily to feel like she'd done something wrong, he should have been paying better attention to the two of them, but he wanted to prevent any future mishaps. 

"Okay," Lily nodded. "Does this mean I'm not allowed to go swimming?" She asked with chattering teeth. 

"You still want to?" Jay asked in shock. 

Lily nodded. 

Jay and Erin exchanged surprised looks. They though for sure the incident would leave Lily terrified of the water. But apparently the only terror was what they felt watching their little girl almost drown. 

"Why don't we get you dry and warm and all have some lunch. If Uncle Will thinks you're okay after that then we can go swimming," Erin offered. Personally she didn't want anything to do with the water after today but intuitively she knew it was important to get Lily having a positive experience as soon as possible after her trauma. She knew Will had said she was okay but she wanted him to check her over again. Silently she thanked the heavens they had a doctor in the family. 

They took her swimming, which Lily thoroughly enjoyed, but neither Jay nor Erin could shake the fear watching Lily fall had brought or feeling of guilt the rest of the day. Jay was particularly hard on himself. He'd got over confident the last few months. Things had been going so smoothly for them he started to believe that maybe this parenting gig wasn't that scary after all. But he was too cocky. He knew this property, knew the dangers of the river and current having grown up here, and knew how easy it was for accidents to happen. Lily had never been in an environment like this and it was up to him to teach her and keep her safe. He made a mental note to get her in swimming lessons as soon as possible when they got home. They planned on bringing her here a lot and he didn't want a repeat of today. He promised himself he wouldn't take his eyes off her the rest of the trip too. To that end he approached Erin after they'd tucked Lily into bed. 

"I don't think I should go with the guys tomorrow," he hedged. 

Erin's own guilt had been consuming her and she misread Jay's intent. "You don't think I can take care of her," she said with a defeated sigh. 

"What? No! Of course not Erin. You're an amazing mom. I just don't think it's fair to put it all on you. This is my family's cabin. I knew what could happen. I should have been watching. Besides, I want you to relax and enjoy the weekend. You've worked so hard to give us the perfect wedding, I don't want anything to take away from that. You keep downplaying it but I know this weekend is a big deal for you. I'll watch Lily while you have fun with your friends and finish getting ready."

Erin shook her head. "We both should have been watching Jay. I may not have grown up here but I'm no idiot. I know how dangerous the water can be. I should have know something like this was bound to happen. You've been looking forward to going off with the boys for months now. I promise I'll do better. You don't have to worry. I'll keep her close."

"It's not either of your fault you know," Ryan said, coming in the kitchen. They both turned to look at him. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but you're beating yourself up needlessly. You weren't the only ones here. We were all keeping an eye on her and it still happened. It's no ones fault. That's why they call it an accident. And thankfully she's fine. Hell remember the stuff we use to get up to? And how many times did we toss each other in that water with no adults around? It's a bloody miracle we're all alive and in one piece. Lily learned a valuable lesson today. It was a good reminder for all of us. But I guarantee she won't be going anywhere near that water alone again. Stop beating yourselves up. Everything worked out fine."

"Gee you don't sound like a lawyer at all," Jay quipped. 

Ryan took the sarcasm in stride. He understood why they felt so awful. "You're doing a great job with her. She's a completely different kid from the one I first met. Don't let this take away from that."

"You just don't want to get stuck out in the woods with Will and Mark alone," Jay said dryly. He appreciated Ryan's attempt to make them feel better but it was going to take more then a speech to shake what happened today. 

"Ha!" Ryan laughed. "You got that right! Come on you two, I know you feel bad but she's fine. And she's going to be just fine if we stick with our plans. Besides, you're not the only ones who got a good scare. I don't think anyone here is going let Lily stray too far the rest of the weekend," he smiled empathetically. 

They tried to take Ryan's advice and not beat themselves up so much, ultimately agreeing that Jay would go on the boys trip the next day. But by the time their fresh caught fish dinner was ready the next night Jay was wondering if he should have stayed behind with Lily and Erin at the cabin after all. 

/

When they were little kids the four boys were inseparable whenever the two families got together. Sure they teased and taunted each other, occasionally wrestling and fighting, but they were cousins and brothers and when they came to the cabin all that mattered was how much fun they could have before one of the grown ups caught on to what they were up to. 

As they got older things began to change. The tension in Jay's household increased as his relationship with his father deteriorated. He felt he couldn't live up to his golden older brother in any way. Will, unbenosted to Jay at the time, was having his own issues and found his stress relief by taking it out on Jay. By the time they were teens Will and Jay barely spoke a kind word to each other. When Will refused to come home to be with their mom as she died it all but killed what was left of their relationship. 

At the same time tensions were mounting between their cousins. As the oldest and youngest of the four, Ryan and Mark shared a larger age gap. While Jay was off fighting a war and Will was chasing tail in med school, something happened between the other set of brothers. On his eighteenth birthday Mark up and left Chicago. He became a nomad, wandering from job to job and place to place, often taking unnecessary risks and pulling dangerous stunts. 

While Jay himself had a huge desire to get way from his father and out of Chicago, enlisting in the army, he didn't quite understand Mark's motivation. Things in the other Halstead household had always seemed like a fairytale in comparison to growing up in Jay's house. And he nor Will understood why there was so much animosity between the two brothers. They had dramatically different personalities and career choices but even that didn't explain the hostile undercurrent between the two. 

Their camping trip started out well enough. They set out on the well worn path down the river's edge the next morning. The plan was to hike the five miles down stream to their favourite fishing spot set up camp, catch some dinner, drink a few beers in front of a camp fire and head back early enough the next day to get ready for the evening wedding. All four of them were excited. They'd been young teens the last time they did this, sneaking beer into their packs when their grandparents weren't looking, and going down river to stay up all night drinking and daring each other to do ridiculous stunts. While they were more mature now and skipped the death defying dares, the trash talk flowed freely as they hiked. A few times they had to stop, catch their breath, and wipe the tears from their eyes they laughed so hard. And while the good natured insults and embarrassing memories kept a smile on everyone's face, Jay didn't miss how Ryan and Mark barely spoke directly to one another. That is until they disagreed on the right bait to catch a fish with. 

"Typical of you, Mister I have a Harvard law degree, to think you know everything."

"Oh give it a rest Mark, I spent just as many summers here as you learning from our grandfather how to fish. A few more actually since I was the first to come along."

"And there it is folks, the chosen one has reminded us all of his place in the world."

"Alright," Jay broke in. "Enough of that."

"Yeah," Will backed him up. "We're here to get Jay drunk and make him say stupid shit on video we can blackmail him with later."

"Shut up," Jay laughed and splashed his brother. Will covered his face laughing, then splashed Jay back. 

"Awe, would you look at the brotherly love," Mark said sarcastically. "When the hell did you to become so chummy? You use to hate each other's guts."

Will and Jay looked at each other and shrugged. Neither was interested or comfortable talking about relationship stuff. 

"Things change," Will said dismissively. 

"Yeah you finally took your head out of your ass and came home," Jay pointed out but there was no bitterness in his words. Will could hear he was only teasing and answered by tossing a bait worm at him. Jay cussed him lightly before shrugging and using the worm to bait his hook. Silence fell amongst the group while they all tended to their rods. 

"I've been thinking about moving back," Ryan announced out of the blue. 

"Oh yeah? Things heating up that much with the clerk?" Will teased. 

"Her name is Beth, and no that's not the reason why you jackass," Ryan volleyed. "It just feels like time. Boston, it just doesn't hold the same appeal for me anymore." 

Mark barked out a note of laughter. "You mean since Kate saw through your act and tossed you to the curb." 

"I'm not doing this with you again. Not here," Ryan cautioned. Will and Jay exchanged looks. They had no idea what the other guys were talking about but they could feel the tension rising and knew how arguments ended between Halstead's. They made a silent pact to do what they needed to keep the peace. 

"What? Afraid people will find out who you really are?"

"Oh stop being such a whiny baby! God, I can't believe you're still on this," Ryan shook his head in disgust. 

"Still on this? You slept with my fucking girlfriend! Who the hells brother does something like that?"

"She wasn't your girlfriend," Ryan pointed out calmly. 

"I took her out on dates, you knew how I felt about her, but did you care? No, you just swooped in, the big college hero home for the summer, and did what you do best; take whatever you like. Next thing I know she's packing up and heading east with you and you didn't even so much as offer an apology!"

"She was too old for you," Ryan scoffed dismissively. 

"She was too good for you," Mark shot back. 

"You need to get over it," the older brother instructed. 

"You need to get over yourself! It's pretty fucking low to go after your little brother's girl."

"Oh for fuck sakes Mark, if she'd wanted you she wouldn't have even looked at me. You're really not all that," Ryan jabbed. 

Mark lost it and lunged at his brother. It took a beat for Will and Jay to get over the shock of what they were hearing and jump in, trying to pry their cousins off each other. The four men ended up rolling on the ground fists, elbows and knees flying in every direction. Ryan ducked just as Mark swung at him and his punch landed on Jay's cheekbone. It was game over for Jay then and he wrestled his younger cousin to the ground, pinning him perp style until he calmed. Will pulled himself up and stood guard in front of Ryan. 

Mark started to speak. "Shut up," Jay yelled in his cop voice. "Everyone just shut the fuck up. We're hear to fish and drink and that's it. No more of this crap." Something in Jay's tone took the fight out of his cousins. There was silence as all four steadied their breathing. When Mark's body finally went slack Jay released him and slid to the ground beside him. 

They picked themselves up off the ground, wiping the dust and dirt from their cloths. Mark stormed off to the make shift fire pit and stoked the fire, testing its readiness to cook dinner. The rest of the boys cleaned up the fishing gear and got their catch ready for cooking. Will looked up from closing the last of the tackle boxes just as Jay stood from cleaning the fish guts off his hands in the river. 

"Oh shit," Will exclaimed. 

"What?"

"Your face," Will pointed at Jay. 

"What about it?" Jay asked, touching his face. His heart stopped when his right cheek bone felt tender. He remembered catching Mark's fist to the face when they were trying to pull Mark and Ryan apart. 

"She's gonna kill you," Will said to Mark as he walked towards the fire. 

"Who?" Mark asked, confused. 

"Erin," Will clarified ominously. 

"It's that bad?" Jay asked, suddenly panicked. 

"Why me?" Mark asked defensively, ignoring Jay. 

"Because you're the dumbass who started it," Will reminded him. "And it was your fist that did that," he added, pointing at Jay's face. 

"How bad is it?" Jay asked again. 

"She's gonna kill all of us," Ryan amended as he placed the foil wrapped fish in the hot coals. 

"A tiny little thing like her? No way," Mark scoffed. 

"Is it really that bad?" Jay asked more urgently. 

"You don't know her. A fright train doesn't stand a chance against her when she gets mad," Will said with obvious respect for what Erin was capable of. 

"You'd really sell me out like that?" Mark asked feeling betrayed by Will. 

"To save my own life? Hell yes," Will said as he searched for something to wrap the ice he was fishing out of the beer cooler in. 

"Would someone answer me already? How bad is it?" Jay yelled. 

"Bad enough," Will said gravely, passing him the ice. 

"Fuck!" Jay said and plopped down on an old log they'd dragged over to the fire pit. He pressed the ice to his cheek. 

"Yup we're all fucked. There's only one thing to do," Will announced. 

"Hide Jay and tell Erin we lost him in the woods?" Ryan offered helpfully. 

"Not a bad idea but if we show up without him she'd probably just shoot us all. Nope the only thing to do in this situation is get fall down drunk," Will announced, pulling four beers out of the cooler. They each took one from him and twisted off the cap. "Here's to you Jay, may we all live long enough to see you marry the girl of your dreams tomorrow."'

The boys laughed half heartedly and clinked their bottles together. They settled in around the fire and quietly watched the flames dance as their food cooked. Jay couldn't relax. He knew he should have stayed back with his girls. If his face looked half as bad as Will was making it out to be Erin was going to be livid, or worse heartbroken. As much as she wasn't big on weddings, she'd put a lot of effort into making theirs perfect and now he was going to look like an idiot as she walked down the isle to him. He had to do something to make it up to her. 

"Okay, but she wouldn't really shoot us, right?" Mark asked sometime later, breaking the silence. Ryan, Will and Jay only stared at him. Mark swallowed hard. He'd dated enough to know you were only asking for a world of trouble pissing a bride off on her wedding day. And his cousins seemed genuinely worried. Guys like them, raised the way they were, weren't easily spooked. Mark had never been afraid of anything really. He'd climbed the side of a mountain with his bare hands and he'd parachuted into raging forest fires but suddenly he had visions of his cousin's tiny bride bringing a world of pain on him like he'd never known and his skin prickled. 

"Is there more beer?" He asked urgently. Will let out a soft chuckle and passed his now pale cousin another bottle.


	97. 97

I have been so crazy busy lately I haven't had a chance to respond to all the wonderful reviews and messages you all have been sending me. I'm so sorry. I'm loving reading all your thoughts and feedback and appreciate you all so much. If I haven't gotten to you yet please accept a great big thank you for taking the time to send me a note. So glad you are loving this story still. I had originally planned to end at 100 chapters but after talking the ending through I think I may end up with about 105 chapters. Hope you're not disappointed by this news!   
Much love xoxo  
______________________ 

"What the hell happened to your face?" she screeched the second she laid eyes on Jay and the blue and purple bruises on his cheek. The three men behind him tried to quietly move away but Erin made them freeze in their tracks. "Don't even think about it," she ordered. "What did you do to him?" she demanded. She pinned each of them with a hard gaze. The furry in her eyes kept them rooted in place. "Answer me!" she demanded

"It's my fault," Mark stepped up. 

"Actually it's mine," Ryan piped in standing beside his little brother in solidarity. But Mark seemed more annoyed with Ryan's support than grateful. 

Erin looked between them. She didn't need this right now. "I didn't ask you who's fault it was I asked you what you did to him," she bit out trying to regain her calm. 

"I said some things I shouldn't have," Ryan confessed under her glare. 

"I over reacted," Mark admitted. 

"We fought," Ryan confirmed. 

"And they tried to break us up,"  
Mark finished pointing at Will and Jay. "I guess I hit him by accident."

Erin stood staring at them in silence for a long minute. "One night," She whispered. "The four of you can't help but act like idiots for one single night," she said closing her eyes. Her hand came to her forehead. She suddenly felt a headache coming on. 

"Erin it was an acc.." Will started but Erin put up a hand to stop him. 

"Maddy call the photographer back," Erin called over her shoulder. "Tell her not to worry about being late. We don't need her. There's not going to be any wedding photos," she finished dryly. 

The boys all cringed as the meaning of her words set in. Even as a bunch of bachelors they understood the photos were the reason half the wedding nonsense existed. They hung their heads in shame and guilt at the idea they'd ruined Erin's wedding. 

"Erin," Jay began, trying to get her to be reasonable. 

"Don't," she warned. "Don't talk to me right now," She said before turning and walking away. 

Jay went to follow her but Annie put a hand on his chest. "Give her a minute to digest. It's been a crazy morning. Just give her a minute and she'll calm down." 

Jay nodded. Hesitantly Annie reached up and touched Jay's cheek then gently turned his face side to side. "We can cover it," she said with a self assured nod. 

"You think?" Will asked hopefully, stepping forward. 

"I've covered worse," Anne admitted, embarrassed. 

Jay gave her an empathetic smile. He didn't like the idea that Erin's best friend had far too much knowledge in how to cover up bruises. 

Kaitlin came up beside Anne and inspected Jay's face. "I think I have the right stuff here," she agreed with Anne. "Get yourself washed up and ready and meet me in the kitchen a half hour before the wedding starts. We'll fix you up so no one will even know." She said with a confident smile. 

Jay mumbled a thanks and wandered into the cabin, intent on finding Erin. She sat at the kitchen table alone, having scared everyone off in her sudden burst of anger, sipping a glass of orange juice. When she looked up Jay stopped moving. 

She let out a deep sigh and gave him a weary smile. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I was just caught off guard."

Jay started moving again, reassured she wasn't out for blood anymore. "It's okay, you have every right to be upset. Annie and Kaitlyn think they can cover it though, hopefully."

Erin frowned and knitted her eyebrows together. She didn't like that her friends had skills at covering bruises. "I wish that was our only problem."

"Hey," Ryan called coming into the cabin, Mark, Will, Kaitlyn and Annie behind them. They moved cautiously waiting for Erin's reaction. When she only gave them an embarrassed smile they came to sit with her and Jay. "We heard things weren't going so well this morning? How can we help?" 

Erin shook her head. "I don't even know."

"What's going on?" Jay asked, taking Erin's hand in his. This was supposed to be a happy weekend for them, for Erin. He'd kill whoever had his bride upset on her wedding day. 

"Well, you heard the photographer is going to be at least an hour late, she got lost. And the caterer called this morning. Her shop was broken into and ransacked last night. Most of her equipment and food for today were destroyed." Erin sat back and closed her eyes on another long sigh. "We should have just eloped."

Jay slid his chair closer to her and pulled her to him, massaging the back of her neck and shoulders. He placed a kiss on her head. He wanted to fix this but with a few dozen people about to show up for the wedding he wasn't sure how. 

"Give me the number for the caterer," Ryan said with authority. Erin lifted her head off Jay's shoulder. The way his fingers pressed into her sink had some of the tension leaving her body. She wanted to forget the whole thing and beg him to go back to the bedroom and continue his ministrations. 

"Why? I don't see what else can be done," she said defeated. 

"I'm not just a pretty face you know. I may have some hidden talents," he winked at her. When he failed to get the intended smile from Erin he offered an explanation. "I use to date a chef. I may have learned a few things to impress her, if I can talk to your caterer we can go into town, buy up whatever supplies we need and help her cook up a feast for the hungry masses."

"It was mostly barbecue," Erin said considering his idea. 

"Perfect! I make a mean steak!" Ryan said with confidence. 

"You don't have to do all this, you're supposed to be our guests," Erin replied. She wanted to be hopeful but she felt guilty. 

Ryan waved her off. "We're not guest, we're family and we kinda owe you," he said sneaking a glance at Jay's cheek. 

Erin contemplated the idea. A car rolled up out front and she frowned. "The guest are already arriving."

Jay looked out the window and watched Kevin, Adam and Kim climb from the car. "Those aren't guest. They're free labour," he announced. "Mark go down to the Johnson's and the Rylie's. Invite them for a wedding cook out and sweet talk them into lending us their grills. Take those goons outside with you for help hauling them up here." Mark nodded and headed outside to intercept Jay's coworkers. 

"Will and I will go with you to town Ryan," Kaitlyn offered. 

"That's a good idea, otherwise we'll have nothing but cow and beer tonight," Annie laughed. The group chatter took over and Erin was lost listening to everyone talk over each other, working to solve her wedding problems. She turned to look at Jay when he squeezed her hand to get her attention. 

He smiled at her reassuringly. "We got this." 

Erin let a smile spread across her face too. For the first time since she woke up this morning she relaxed a little. It didn't matter if all they had was steak and beer. The people who loved them would be here with them and she would be married to her best friend by the end of the day one way or another. 

As everyone started to disburse to their assigned task Jay ran outside and pulled Mark aside. He had finally figured out how to properly make up for the bruises on his face and maybe some of the other stupid things he'd ever done. 

/

The rest of Erin's apprehension vanished when Aunt Helen, her best friend Mavis and Hank arrived. 

Aunt Helen, Erin thought on a deep exhale. Again Erin thanked the heavens for getting to be apart of such an amazing family. Helen had quickly come in and taken command, organizing people and food preparations. She'd assigned Kim to watch Lily and banished Erin and Jay from the property with a picnic basket, promising by the time they got back all they would have to do is get dressed. 

At first Erin had protested but now she was leaning back against Jay's chest, sipping wine from a plastic wine glass, eating snacks and watching the breeze cast ripples on the water. They'd taken a small motor boat upstream to what Jay called the perfect spot for a picnic. He was right. The soft grassy shoreline was sunny and warm and incredibly peaceful. 

"I feel almost guilty," Erin admitted. 

"Don't," Jay replied. "You deserve this. We deserve this. We hardly ever get time to do this babe. It's the perfect way to start our marriage."

"Hmm," she agreed. It was nice to get a break from the drama and start things with some peace and quiet and more importantly, alone time. "I just hope I have enough time to get ready."

"You will. The wedding isn't until six. Aunt Helen said to have you back by four. Besides you don't need to do much, you're perfect just like this."

Erin looked down at herself clad in a tank top and shorts. She hadn't even had a shower yet, just pulling her hair into a pony tale while she was finishing working on the wedding this morning. She laughed. "I don't think you want to marry me like this."

"Why not?" He said angling himself to look at her. "Babe you don't need fancy clothes and make up. You're beautiful and I'd marry you right here like this any day. I love you."

Erin's stomach flipped just as Jay's lips touched hers. He wasn't one for flowery words but when they did come out of his mouth they had Erin floating ten feet in the air. 

"I love you too and I can't wait to be your wife," she confessed against his lips when they came up for air. 

"Even with this," he asked carefully, pointing to his cheek. He'd finally seen his face in a mirror at the cabin and had cringed. Erin's freak out had been completely justified. 

Erin ran her hand gently over the angry bruise. "Even with this," she said pulling herself up to kiss the damaged skin gently. Jay found her lips and as it often did their tender kisses turned heated. The warmth Erin felt hearing Jay declare his love for her turned to fire as he tore his lips from hers and teased her with sensual kisses down her neck. His fingers snuck under the hem of her top and danced upwards. 

"Jay," Erin breathed in warning. He hummed, his lips against her skin. The vibration coursed through her and travelled south. Her concerns about things going to far in such an open spot left her head as she arched closer to him. She felt rather than heard him chuckle at her body's response. 

A moment later he lifted his head from where he'd been kissing her collar bone and let out a long breath. "God I want you," he admitted.

Erin looked around her and sighed. "Not exactly private," she said, a bit disappointed. 

"Mmm, no, guess we'll just have to wait until later." He lifted his eyebrows teasingly and gave her his signature charming smile. 

Erin smiled a wicked smile of her own remembering the lingerie she'd picked out for under her wedding dress. She'd decided on a simple lightweight gown to match the relaxed outdoor wedding, saving the intricate silk and lace designs for her underwear. She had no doubt Jay was going to loose his mind when he laid eyes on the small slips of white fabric. She'd had fantasies for days about him unzipping her dress and revealing the surprise underneath. 

"Oh don't worry it will be that good," Jay laughed cockily at the expression on her face.

Erin blushed realizing she'd got caught up in her fantasy again. "I'm going to hold you to that," she countered. 

"I'm counting on it," they both laughed and got lost in another searing kiss until the sound of an approaching motor boat reminded them they weren't alone. Pulling apart they resumed their earlier position, Erin laying back against Jay's chest, and let the sound of water and birds calm their now racing hearts while they sipped the last of their wine. 

/

Mark sat back on his heels and took in his handy work with a satisfied smile. He'd paddled out in the old row boat to the diving dock twenty feet off their shoreline just over an hour ago to set up his cousin's surprise for his bride. If she wasn't blow away by what he'd done then, well frankly, she didn't deserve Jay, plain and simple. 

Mark shook his head. His cousin was head over heals for that girl. He'd spent the little time he'd been home razzing Jay thoroughly for letting a girl whip him so completely but truth be told he was a bit jealous. Mark loved his life, especially working up north as a fire ranger, but these last few months since his dad died something had changed in him. Seeing Jay so happy wasn't helping. He'd thought about coming home, at least for a bit, but he was reconsidering now that Ryan had announced his plans to move back. 

Ryan, Mark though with a huff. Everyone thought Ryan was a sent from above, do no wrong hero. But Mark's blood still boiled whenever he thought of his older brother. He knew it was years ago and they were young but he couldn't accept that he should just get over it. You just didn't betray your brother like that. 

He was stewing in his thoughts when a scream for help shattered the peace of the lake. Mark looked back towards the cabin. There seemed to be no trouble up there. Aunt Helen had everyone hurriedly running around organizing Jay and Erin's wedding. The scream came again and this time Mark caught the direction of the sound. It was coming from down stream. He took one last look at the dock, satisfied he was done and everything was safe, then hopped in the row boat and pushed off the dock towards the sound. He rowed frantically, not sure what he was heading for, cussing Jay for taking off in the motorboat and leaving him with this antique. He heard the scream again coming from the shoreline of the opposite side of the river. He dismissed his aggravation. He'd been in worse situations with far less. Whatever was down that river he'd deal with. 

/

Erin was in shock. Complete and utter shock. The cabin had been in chaos when Aunt Helen had sent her and Jay off on their romantic picnic. It had reminded her more of the command post at the scene of a major crisis then the serine retreat Jay had made her fall in love with. But now? It had been completely transformed. Her breath caught as she stepped off the dock. She didn't have words. 

An arbour of flowers and white lace surrounded by chairs was set up near the water. They would become husband and wife there within the next couple hours. Erin's tummy fluttered excitedly at the thought. The cabin deck had also been decorated with flowers and twinkle lights. In fact the lights had been strung everywhere. In the trees, down the dock and around what was now the outdoor kitchen. Tonight everything would glow and twinkle. Barbecues and tables had been set up in an orderly fashion near the shed. Erin could smell the makings of a feast and her mouth watered. Everything looked beautiful and complimented the natural beauty of the forest the cabin was nestled in. She felt the tears fill her eyes and bit down on her lip. It was ridiculous to get so emotional over something like this. Jay's arms came around her from behind. 

She'd stopped dead in her tracks when she stepped of the dock and Jay worried something was terribly wrong. He scanned the cabin and land around it. He had to admit it was an impressive sight, like something you'd seen in one of those romantic chick flick movies he thanked god Erin rarely made him watch. But maybe it was all wrong? Maybe this wasn't what she had planned. 

"Everything okay?" He asked with concern. If it wasn't he'd yell down the place until they fixed whatever was wrong. She may not have dreamed of weddings and romance when she was growing up but he wouldn't accept anything less then perfect for her today. They were only doing this once and he'd be damned if it wasn't going to be one of the happiest moments of her life. 

"It's beautiful," she whispered in awe. Jay's whole body relaxed at her words. 

He turned her to look at him. "You had me worried for a second. I though they screwed it all up," he said motioning toward the cabin with his chin. 

Erin shook her head, still taken aback by everything. Sure she knew what the plan was, her friends had dreamt up and sold her on the romantic vision. She had been working hard most of yesterday and this morning to bring it to life but seeing it complete far exceeded what she had imagined. "It's amazing. Do you like it?"

Jay looked around the property again. "Yeah, it's incredible! Especially the smell coming from those grills."

Erin laughed and smacked his arm playfully but she had to agree. Whatever solution they'd come up with to their food problem smelled wonderful. 

"There you are!" Kaitlyn called frantically as she ran across the lawn to them. "We need to steal her away now Jay, time to turn her into a girl." Erin crinkled her nose and shrugged apologetically at Jay. He stole a quick kiss before Kaitlyn whisked her away. 

/

Erin hardly recognized herself. Her hair pulled up with loose strands curled and framing her face. Her makeup flawlessly applied by Kaitlyn, highlighting her eyes. The soft white fabric of her dress hugged her perfectly in all the right places and flowed freely to her feet. She smiled remembering the day she spent shopping for it with Lily, Helen and Annie. They'd been out a few times with some of her other friends before that but none of the traditional gowns appealed to her or felt right with the kind of wedding she had in mind. But as soon as she'd slipped the simple long dress on Lily had swelled with excitement. "You look like a princess Mommy!" And Annie and Helen had agreed, tears in their eyes. That had been it for Erin. 

She looked at herself in the long mirror in the cabin master bedroom again. She felt comfortable in this dress, like the best version of herself. That's what she wanted to give Jay. He'd accepted her warts and all but today, today she wanted to give him all her best parts. All the parts she'd guarded carefully. She knew without hesitation that she could trust him with the most vulnerable part of herself, with her heart. 

The sparkle of the ring on her left hand caught her eye, Jay's grandmothers ring. She thought of the night Jay proposed to her, the night she decided to fight for custody of Lily. She thought she was about to loose him but instead he'd got down on one knee and promised to be by her side forever. Now here they were about to make it official. Erin tilted her hand back and forth watching each of the four stones of her ring catch the light. Laughter, trust, respect, friendship. There was a stone for each of the things his grandmother had desired in a husband. By all counts their's had been a beautiful marriage. Erin felt a warmth wrap around her and a calm revelation filled her. Her's would be a beautiful marriage too. 

She took one last look at herself and smoothed her hands down her dress. Surprisingly she wasn't nervous. There were tons of people outside but she knew they all loved her and Jay. And frankly none of them mattered. The man standing under the arbour waiting to promise to be her partner for life was the only thing she was focused on. 

There was a soft knock on the door then Hank peaked his head in. "Ready to do this kid?"

Erin nodded. She hadn't originally wanted to walk down an isle or be given away. It didn't fit in line with how she saw herself. The idea of being given away grated on her. But she's changed her mind after having dinner with Hank one evening a few weeks back. He'd actually asked if he could do it, said he'd always wanted to walk his daughter down the isle. He felt it was one of the greatest moments a father could have escorting the strong fearless woman he's helped raise into her new life. A life she'd worked hard to build for herself. Plus he admitted, pleased with himself, he wanted to see the slight look of panic on Jay's face when he placed Erin's hand in Jay's and told him he'd better do right by her. 

"You're horrible," Erin had laughed. "Jay is a good man and you know it. You wouldn't still have him in your unit if he wasn't."

"He wouldn't still be alive if he wasn't," Hank had answered gruffly. "Keeping the man in your life on his toes, not only is it my responsibility as your father figure, but it's one of the few joys a man like me has."

Erin shook her head but said nothing. 

"Yeah I'm ready," she replied smiling at the memory and stepped towards Hank. 

He cupped her cheeks with his hands and looked down at her, pride and love shining in his eyes. "You look beautiful, stunning. I wish Camille could see you now. She'd be so proud."

"Thank you," she accepted his compliment shyly. She swallowed back her tears. She'd though of Camille too several times while planning the wedding. 

Hank's expression turned serious. "Any reservations?"

Erin smiled. She had no doubt that all she needed to do was say the word and Hank would whisk her out of here and take her back home, no questions asked. She knew she could always count on him when it mattered most. But she shook her head. "None," She said with conviction. 

"Good," he said and stepped back offering her arm. "Shall we go then?"

"Wait!" Someone called coming down the hall to the bedroom. It was Kim. Erin's heart sunk. What drama could be unfolding now? Then a terrifying though crossed her mind. What if Jay wasn't sure? What if he'd gotten cold feet and changed his mind?


	98. 98

"What is it Burgess," Hank barked impatiently. 

"It's Mark! He's back," she proclaimed, trying to catch her breath. 

"He was gone?" Erin asked. 

"Yeah, we didn't notice either with everything going on but he just rowed up, he's a mess and he has a girl with him, she's injured. Apparently there was a bear? And she called for help and I guess Mark heard. Anyway Will is looking at her now and they asked me to come tell you. They want you to just hang out here for a few minutes while they..."

Erin put up her hand to stop Kim's rambling. "Of course, where is she?"

"In the kitchen, but," Kim tried to block the hall. 

Erin pushed past Kim and walked urgently down to the kitchen. "Is she okay?" She called as she came into the room. 

There was a flurry of voices as people tried to shuffle Erin out of the room and others helped Will set up an area for him to work on the girl.  "Jay can't see you yet!" Kaitlyn hissed at her. 

"Then send him back outside!" Erin huffed. 

"You all need to get the hell outside," Will barked. Erin peaked over Kaitlyn's shoulder and saw a thin blond haired woman laying on the kitchen table. Will had pulled off his jacket and dress shirt and was tending to her in a t shirt and dress pants. At his order, guest started shuffling out the door to give him room to work. 

"Do you need anything?" Erin called to Will, unable to suppress her need to help in a crisis. 

"I'm good, thankfully my medic pack is fully stocked and I've got some extra hands. No need to mess up that pretty dress... holy shit," Will exclaimed when he'd looked up at her. He stood in awe. His brother was one lucky son of a bitch. "Damn girl you really are a princess!" 

"Will!" Mark barked. "Ogle later. Alyssa's suffering here!"

Will snapped back to reality and got back to work on his patient. 

"What happened?" Erin asked Mark. He was a filthy mess and had some scratches but from what she could see he looked alright otherwise. 

"She came up here by herself for the weekend to hike. Came across a bear with her cubs. Mama bears can be aggressive if they think their cubs are in danger. Guess this one thought Alyssa was a threat. Damn girl took off running. She tripped, fell onto something that cut her open pretty good, probably some tree branches. She got herself cornered on the waters edge. I heard her screaming for help.  I scared off the bear and brought her back here," Mark quickly explained. 

"It's a damn good thing you were there," Ryan added as he passed Will some gauze. 

Mark barely acknowledged the comment, just letting Alyssa squeeze his hand and moan in pain as Will worked to clean and sew up her wounds. The room went silent as Will finished tending to Alyssa. 

"She gonna be okay?" Erin heard Jay ask. She hadn't realized he was still in the house since Kaitlyn had stopped her at the end of the hall and wouldn't let her into the kitchen. 

"Yeah, looks like it," Will said, still focused on the shaken woman. 

"Good, Jay get outside. Erin back to the bedroom. Mark go clean yourself up. Kaitlyn help me take this poor girl to get herself cleaned up," Helen ordered coming towards Alyssa. "Come love, we'll find you something to change into and a nice spot to relax and watch the wedding from."

"No, no, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to crash your wedding. I can just go," Alyssa exclaimed weakly, clearly mortified. 

"Don't be ridiculous," Erin waved her off. "You didn't crash anything. Mark said you're all alone up here and we can't have you out wandering the woods with that injury. Stay, relax for a bit and I'm sure Mark will be happy to take you back to your car and things when you're feeling better."

Mark nodded his agreement. 

"She's right. You need to rest. Get some food in you," Will agreed. 

"I just, I feel so bad for causing all this drama in the middle of your big day."

Erin couldn't stop it. She felt it bubbling up from deep within and there was nothing she could do to stop the laughter that escaped her mouth. It enveloped her, causing her whole body to shake and tears to spring into her eyes as she laughed almost manically. She could feel everyone's curious and baffled gaze on her but still she couldn't get the laughter to stop. After several more minutes she finally managed to pull herself together. 

"Oh honey," she breathed. "It wouldn't be my wedding, my LIFE, it if wasn't full of drama of one kind or another! And this certainly isn't the first incident today, probably won't be the last either!" Erin took a calming breath, feeling her sanity return.  "Please stay, honestly. You've walked into a party full of cops and doctors," Erin said waving towards Will. "We'd do nothing but worry all night if you leave and that WOULD ruin my wedding." 

"Thank you," Alyssa said, ducking her head. 

"Alright, that's decided then. Let's get things moving," Helen called, sounding like a quarterback. 

/

Twenty minutes later calm was restored and Mark and Alyssa, freshly washed and dressed, joined the guests outside. Jay stood with the minister, his brother, Greg and Antonio by the arbour waiting for Erin. He hadn't seen her when they'd all rushed into the kitchen. As temped as he was to push Kaitlyn out of the way, he wanted the thrill of seeing her for the first time as she walked towards him down the isle. 

A huge grin spread across Jay's face as Lily and Danny made their way down the isle towards him. Lily's blue and white dress bounced with each step as she scattered flower pedals on the grass. She was so proud of herself and her role in their wedding. He doubted they'd ever get the dress off her now that she was finally allowed to wear it. She'd been going on about it for weeks since she got it, asking if she could just try it on every day. It killed him to say no each time but Erin promised she could wear it whenever she wanted after the wedding. 

After the kids came Annie then Maddy and finally Kaitlyn. Jay let out a quiet note of laughter as he watched the flirty looks that passed between her and his brother. Apparently they'd hit it off on their shopping trip today. Ryan said he felt ill watching the two of them flirt as they'd cleaned out the grocery store in town. Jay didn't mind Kaitlyn, she was sweet and she'd done a great job covering up his bruise. But he'd never regretted turning down that date with her. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. He watched Will smile at her. Maybe she'd end up with a Halstead after all. 

All thoughts left his brain when his eyes fell on Erin. The sight of her made him hold his breath. Will was wrong. She didn't look like a princess. 

She looked like an angel. 

His angel. 

Everything else faded away as he watched her walk towards him, her eyes trained on his. He barely registered Hank's handshake or thinly veiled threat to be good to his girl. Jay took Erin's hands in his and simply enjoyed the beautiful vision before him. He cast an annoyed glance at his brother when Will jabbed his elbow in Jay's side. 

"This is the part where you speak," Will stage whispered. 

Jay looked around confused, as everyone tried to cover their laughter. His eyes fell on Erin. 

"You haven't heard a single word have you?" She asked, huge smile on her face. 

He blushed and shook his head. "How can I when you look like this?"

Erin let out a little giggle. Oh her man was a charmer. Doubly so dressed in this suit. They'd opted for no ties, deeming it too formal for the setting, so the top two buttons of his shirt were open allowing for some breathing room in the evening heat and affording her a delicious view of the freckles that were splashed across his collar bone. She'd have to remember to thank Kaitlyn later. She'd worked her magic and the bruise on Jay's face was gone. 

"It's time for the vows," Erin directed Jay's attention to the minister who stood between them. Jay readjusted his grip on her hands, which he refused to let go of, and turned to look at the older man. They'd planned to stick with the traditional vows but now, here in this moment, they didn't seem right. There was nothing traditional about the way they'd met or how their love had grown or the life path they were on. His grandmother's ring winked at him from his bride's finger. As the minister began to speak Jay held up his hand, still joined with Erin's, to stop him and impulsively let the words come out of his own mouth. 

"I, Jay, take you, Erin to be my lawfully wedded wife and partner in every way. I promise to stand beside you and support you in all you do, to lift you up when life becomes too heavy, to come to you when I need help carrying my load. You are my best friend. I promise to love and cherish you, to trust you, to respect you, to make you laugh and ensure that everyday you know you are not only enough but you are my everything. Always."

Erin gasped and there was complete silence around them. He watched tears flow down her cheeks and prayed they were happy ones, that he hadn't just destroyed her perfect moment. Erin unlaced her fingers from his and swiped the tears from her cheeks. She stepped towards him and pulled his head down to hers, pressing her lips against his before burying her head in his neck. Jay encircled her in a hug and held her there tightly. After several moments the minister cleared his throat. Neither moved. 

"Umm guys?" Will said, laughing lightly as he placed a hand on both Jay and Erin's shoulders. "I don't think we're quite done yet." 

They pulled apart slightly and looked at each other. They couldn't help but laugh at themselves. Erin stepped back and looked at the minister. He gave her a nod ready to give her the lines of the vows but Erin shook her head. She took Jay's hands back into hers. 

"I, Erin, take you, Jay to be my lawfully wedded husband and partner in every way. I promise to stand beside you and support you in all you do, to lift you up when life becomes too heavy, to come to you when I need help carrying my load, to love and cherish you, to respect you, to make you laugh and to ensure that every day you know that I trust you completely with my life, with my heart. You are the most loving, generous man I've ever met. You are my best friend. You are my everything. Always."

Lost in each other's gaze neither remembered the rest of the ceremony, waiting only for the moment when they could seal their lips together and join their separate lives into one. It was a long kiss, passionate and tender and full of hope and promise. They were deaf to the cheers and clapping around them. When they finally came up for air and the world slowly came back into focus the realization that they were now partners in every sense of the word hit. Erin let out a laugh and jumped towards Jay. He caught her around the waist, lifting her to him, laughing with her. He'd never seen a more beautiful sight then this smile on her face. He made one more vow: to keep that smile on her face for the rest of his life. 

/

Their reception was filled with lots of laughter and fun, amazing food and great music. Once Will had a few beers in him he'd brought out his guitar. A few other guest and neighbours were musically inclined and another guitar, a banjo, some bongos and other instruments appeared from where Erin didn't know but the stereo had been shut off and the make shift band gathered around the fire pit and began to play. Erin danced with Lily and their guests. Justin danced with her long enough to get a couple ribs in about her letting everyone see her in a dress. Antonio twirled her around when a salsa beat was picked up only to be cut in on by Adam and the Kevin. Even Al and Hank took turns dancing with her. Erin savoured the jovial moment. She loved these boys, her family, but too much of their time together was spent in ugly circumstances. It felt good to have something to celebrate with them, to let go and relax with them. 

Of course her new family wasn't going to be outdone by her squad. Mark, Will and Ryan all took turns dancing with her and making sure Jay noticed, causing Erin to laugh. 

But her favourite dance, aside from dancing with Jay, had been with her little brother. To her shock he'd brought his boyfriend. Teddy had spent months coming up with excuses why it wasn't the right time for Erin to meet Luke, but here he was at her wedding. 

"He's cute," she nodded her head towards her brother's date. 

"He is," Teddy agreed with a shy smile. 

"I'm surprised you brought him," she offered lightly. 

"Figured you wouldn't have time to interrogate him today," Teddy quipped. 

"Teddy," she began. "I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable or ruin your happiness," she tried to reassure him. 

"I know," he admitted reluctantly. "Actually it wasn't my idea. Luke kind of wouldn't let it drop. He wanted to meet you."  

"Well I'm glad he did. I like him. And you seem happy."  

"I am."  

"Good. That makes today perfect then," she'd said and pulled him closer for a tight hug. 

By the time she was finally back in her husband's impatient arms she was almost ready to sit down. "They've all been hogging you all night," Jay pouted. 

Erin wrapped her arms around Jay's neck and pressed her hips into his as they swayed to the music. "Don't worry you get me every night from here on out."  She kissed his pouting lips until he'd kissed her back thoroughly, promising those nights would be filled with delicious wickedness. 

"Ah Jay," Mark interrupted awkwardly. 

Jay broke the kiss and sent his cousin a glare. "What?"

"Sorry man," Mark put up his hands in apology. "But you said to let you know when it was almost midnight."

"Right," he said glancing at Erin nervously. "Is it all ready?"

"Of course," Mark assured him. 

"Good, okay get everyone together then."

Mark nodded and headed off to start gathering people by the water. 

"What's going on?" Erin asked confused. 

Jay gave her a sheepish smile. "I kinda did something."

"Oh?" Erin raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Trust me?" He asked, an unsure smile on his face. 

"Of course," she replied. 

Jay put out his hand. Erin took it, albeit nervously, and followed Jay down to the water. Once there she looked up at him still confused. Jay wrapped an arm around her. 

"It's a little to late for the proposal," he said holding up his now wedding ring clad finger. "And this isn't exactly Mackinac Island, but I wanted to do something special for you, to apologize for this," he said pointing to where the bruise was on his face. "And, well, just because," he finished, kissing her cheek. 

Jay nodded at Mark who fiddled with something in his hand. A few seconds later Erin heard a hiss come from the diving dock out on the water followed by a popping noise then the sky was lit up with an explosion of light and a loud bang.  Her mouth dropped open. 

"Fireworks!" She exclaimed with disbelief. Jay nodded. Erin laughed in awe as the sky was lit up over and over. She threw her arms around Jay and gave him a searing kiss before turning her attention back to the sky. Lily ran to them in excitement and Jay scooped her up in his arms. The three stood close enjoying the thrilling display of light. 

Mark smiled in satisfaction. She was a keeper after all, he decided after seeing Erin's thrilled reaction. He'd gone into town on his own at Jay's request and hit up the fireworks store. Then come back and remote wired dozens of fireworks on the dock. It was something his grandfather had done for them as kids every Fourth of July and Mark had always helped, curious about how it all worked. The collective oohs and awes over the display from the fifty plus wedding goers gathered by the water made him feel proud. This was why his grandfather had dragged the old cabin here so many years ago, to bring his family and friends together. Mark felt good seeing the old traditions find new life, new friends, new family. 

Mark turned his attention back to Alyssa. He'd pulled a chair down to the water for her next to his set up. "You doing okay?" He asked placing a hand on her knee. She smiled appreciatively at him. "Yes thank you. You've all made me feel so welcome. You have an amazing family. I feel kind of bad you've been taking care of me all night."

"Don't," he reassured her. "I'm having a great time," he said with signature charm. Alyssa blushed. Even in the dark the Halstead smile could melt you. 

Will looked around the crowd as they watched the fireworks. It felt good to be here, surrounded by friends and family. It had been years since the cabin had seen this kind of festivity. He was glad he was still alive to see it. He'd thought for sure they were all dead this morning when Erin caught sight of Jay's face. 

"Thank you," he said leaning down to whisper in Kaitlyn's ear. 

"For what," she smiled up at him. 

"Helping make all this happen. My brother and Erin, they've been through a lot. They deserve this. I don't think I've ever seen them happier."

Kaitlyn nodded. "I know. I love seeing Erin like this. No one deserves the fairy tale more," she agreed. "But that's not really what you're thankful for," she flirted. 

"It's not?" He asked, turing to face her. 

"No, I think you're just thankful I was able to cover that bruise on your brother's cheek and save you and your cousins from an untimely death."

Will chuckled. "You did do a good job," he conceded. "And I mean, weddings are a lot more fun then funerals."

"They certainly are. They have a lot of traditions though," she said pretending to consider something. 

"We don't seem to be sticking to many of them with this wedding, isn't really Jay and Erin's thing." Will shrugged. 

"That's too bad," Kaitlyn fake pouted. "There's one I was kinda curious about."

"Oh, what's that's?" Will asked, his curiosity peeked. 

"You know the one about the bridesmaids and the groomsmen?" 

Will laughed heartily and draped his arm over Kaitlyn's shoulder. "Nights still young," he observed looking around. "I think there's still a few unopened bottles of wine somewhere."

Kaitlyn smiled. "I know where the clean wine glasses are," she offered. 

"After you," Will said, motioning for Kaitlyn to lead the way. 

Erin tugged on Jay's shirt as she watched her new brother walk off with one of her best friends. 

"What's up," he asked, setting Lily down now that the fireworks were done. 

Erin pointed towards the disappearing figures of Will and Kaitlyn. Jay smiled. He wasn't surprised at all. The smile vanished when he looked down at Erin's serious face. 

"If he hurts her I'll kill him," she threatened. 

Jay kissed her head indulgently. "Pretty sure she can handle herself. I have to admit I'm a bit jealous though."

"What?" Erin asked incredulously. Surely he wasn't regretting turning down that date with Kaitlyn years ago? It was Jay she would kill if so. You didn't tell your wife something like that on your wedding day. 

"I've been dying to sneak off with you since this afternoon. And looking at you in this dress all night hasn't been making it any easier," Jay grumbled. 

Erin gave Jay's chest a pat, relieved she didn't have to kill him before she'd got her money's worth out of her new underwear. "Patience my husband."

"I think I've been pretty damn patient," Jay argued good natured. "Its time for this man to be alone with his wife."  With that Jay gave Erin's hand a tug. 

"Jay," she said pulling back. "We can't just take off. We have to thank our guests and what about Lily?"

Jay stopped and looked around. He ran a frustrated hand down his face. "Okay, fine. We'll quickly walk around to everyone. Aunt Helen said she'd take care of Lily tonight so we'll just give her a kiss and then we can go," he said tugging on Erin's hand again. This time she let him pull her. There was no sense arguing with her stubborn man. Besides she was pretty anxious to get some time alone with him too. 

After saying their thank you's and good nights they found Lily sitting by the fire with Greg and Sam. He'd flown down to North Carolina a few times to spend time with Sam, eventually inviting her to be his date to the wedding. By all accounts things were going well and they'd found a way to make a long distance relationship work. For now. Erin had overheard Helen telling Sam or rather selling Sam on all Chicago had to offer. 

Lily was deep in conversation with Sam when Jay sat in the Adirondack chair next to her, pulling Erin down in his lap. Erin was happy to see the two of them had formed a bond since Lily's birthday. Sam was their only remaining connection to Shelby and Erin knew it would be an important one for Lily. 

"Can I ask you something?" Lily asked carefully. 

"Of course Lily, you can ask me anything," Sam assured her. 

"Was my real Mommy... was she nice?"

"Oh yes honey. She loved you very much. And she would be so so happy that you're here now," Sam said stroking the curls she'd styled into Lily's hair this afternoon. 

Erin watched as Lily absorbed Sam's answer. She smiled. Her little girl was very contemplative, always carefully thinking about what everything meant. 

"Can I ask you something else?" She asked again. 

"Anything," Sam repeated. 

"Can I come visit you at the ocean some time?" 

Sam looked over at Jay and Erin before she answered. Erin gave a slight nod. It wasn't a bad idea actually. She wasn't opposed to spending some time on the beach and she couldn't see what it would hurt showing Lily where her mother had lived happily. 

"I would love that," Sam answered. 

"Lily sweetie it's time for bed," Aunt Helen called, walking towards the group. 

"Do I have to?" Lily asked, turning to her parents. 

Erin nodded. "Yes baby, we're actually going to go to bed to, we were just coming to say goodnight to you."

Lily pouted. "But I'm having so much fun!"

"I know sweetie, but it's been a long day and you need your rest," Erin reminded her. Lily had been doing so well but Erin was afraid to push her body's limits too far. With all the excitement and extra treats she'd consumed today Erin was afraid she'd be sick. 

"If you hurry we'll come tuck you in and I'll read you the mud puddle story you love," Jay bargained. 

This got Lily moving. She hugged and kissed both Sam and Greg then took Aunt Helen's outstretched hand. The four of them watched as Lily and Helen made their way up to the cabin, stopping so Lily could say goodnight to everyone she crossed paths with. 

"Erin I can't believe it!" Sam exclaimed. Erin turned her attention back to Sam. "Even since April she's matured so much and she looks so healthy!"

Erin smiled proudly. It was true. Lily had loved starting school and even the few short months she'd been there her social skills and confidence had grown. 

"She really is doing well. I'm sorry she put you on the spot about coming to visit. She's just got this fixation with water. I don't understand it," Erin said shaking her head. 

"It's alright. I'd love it if y'all came down for a visit. Shelby was like that. She'd spend all damn day on the rooftop of the motel when we were little just staring at the water and colouring. And when we moved to Outer Banks I couldn't get her off the beach. As soon as she got a break from work that's where she would head. She'd be out there painting and dreaming, she wouldn't even notice the tide coming in around her. Almost lost her backpack of paint supplies more then once," Sam laughed. "And she use to take Lily for walks on the beach. She'd put her in a sling and they'd walk for hours."

"I was thinking, I hadn't talked to Jay or his family yet, but I got a call from the cemetery in Pennsylvania. All the red tape has finally been cleared for us to bring Shelby home. And I was thinking maybe we could bring her here? Mr. Wright, the cemetery manager, was telling me they have these tree urn things you can plant," Erin trailed off and turned in Jay's lap to read his expression. 

He smiled softly at her and nodded his head. "That's a great idea," he said giving her a gentle kiss. 

"Oh Erin she'd love it here and she'd be by the water. Oh it would be perfect. It's so beautiful here. But here I am talking your ear off when you too are trying to sneak off and be alone," Sam giggled. 

Erin blushed and Jay pushed her gently to her feet following behind her. Erin shot Jay a look letting him know he was being a bit rude to Sam. 

"We did promise to tuck Lily in," he reasoned. 

Erin snorted but smiled. They hugged and thanked Greg and Sam then headed off towards the cabin themselves. Jay saw the crowd of guest gathered on the deck talking and celebrating and made a quick turn. 

"Where are we going?" Erin asked confused. 

"Around to the front door. We've stopped and talked to enough people. It's time for bed," he said matter of factly. 

This time Erin didn't disagree. She was ready for the next part of their celebration. The light grew dim as they rounded the front of the cabin. Erin and Jay walked in comfortable silence up the front steps. A sound, much like a moan, caught their attention. 

"Who's there?" Jay called, squinting in the dark. 

"Shit," a female voice swore. The sound was followed by shuffling and bumps and out of the dark corner of the porch Adam emerged. 

"Damn Ruzek, you scared me," Jay cursed. 

"Sorry buddy," Adam apologized. But he seemed cagey. 

"What the hell are you doing out here?" 

"Ahh," Adam stammered. 

Adam looked like he'd been caught stealing ice cream from a baby and Erin didn't understand why until Kim came out from the same dark corner Adam had been in. Her eyes went wide with surprise, the two had long since broken up, Kim swearing off men, but clearly they'd got caught up in the same spell everyone else at their wedding had. Erin quickly schooled her features and tugged on Jay's arm. "Come on babe, Lily's waiting on us." 

Catching her cue, Jay mumbled a goodnight in Adam and Kim's general direction and disappeared in the house with Erin. Once the door was closed they took one look at each other and burst out laughing. 

"I think we got the wrong gift for our guests," Jay chuckled. "We should have given everyone condoms." Erin agreed with a laugh. She had a feeling their wedding would be talked about more for the fireworks between the guest then the ones Mark let off over the water. 

"Well, we have some in our room," Erin teased. 

Jay gave her a wicked smile. "Oh don't you worry, we'll be using those tonight," he assured her. "Let's get Lily her story read so we can get to the most important part of this wedding." Erin didn't even bother to give him a hard time for making his libido the priority. She was right there with him. 

After reading to Lily and kissing her goodnight Jay finally had Erin outside their bedroom door. She'd gone to walk in but he stopped her with a boyish grin on his face. Erin tilted her head to the side studying, wondering what he was up to, when he bent and lifted her in his arms. 

"Jay," she laughed. 

"Hush wife!" Jay said in a cave man voice. 

Erin stared at him straight faced. "How long have you been waiting to say that?" She asked. 

"Since the day we met," he confessed shyly. 

Erin scoffed. 

"It's true," he admitted.  "I walked into the bullpen, saw you, and a strange voice popped in my head. It said you were the one. I've never wanted to run out of somewhere so damn fast in my life."

Erin laughed but was touched by his sweet admission. "We both did our share of running," she reminisced, tightening her arms around his neck. 

"We did," Jay said pushing open the bedroom door with his foot. "I'm glad we're done with that."

"Me too," Erin agreed and leaned forward to kiss her new husband deeply.


End file.
